The Wrong Kind Of Booty

by Fuckoff

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Romance, Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Princess Celestia
Length: 6745

You ever tried having two immortal goddeses fight over your heart? Not as nice as you might think especially when you've accidentaly stolen the hearts of said goddesses whilst trying to rob them. Hey! Being a priate ain't easy trust me I kn

Tempest has been a pirate for nearly all his life... but he is no ordinary pirate. He is cunning, quick, dashingly handsome, strong and most importantly a gentlecolt.

The life of a pirate isn't easy, there's the gambling, the drinking, the fighting, the bedding of sultry mares and of course the plundering of vast riches. However Tempest steals the one thing he could never have foreseen... The hearts of not one but two princesses who then wage bitter war over his heart. So you go ahead and listen to his story and you tell me if you think being a pirate is easy.

Published 2013-06-14 16:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-14 16:10:02 UTC

Chapter 1

Have you ever barged into a royal ball fighting the captain of the guard himself? Well, have you? I thought not. I have and I wouldn’t recommend it… actually I take that back I really would recommend it if it scored you the heart of a princess and I sure as absolute hell would recommend it if it scored you the hearts of two princesses … But wait! Before you go galloping out the door with your rapier and pirate apparel I feel I must tell you that the fallout from such an event is unpredictable at best.

You see, it’s like this. When two mares fight over a stallion, things can get pretty ugly. I mean there’s the fighting, the bickering and just general nastiness. Now imagine that these two mares I mentioned were immortal goddesses with immense power us mortals can only dream of, and let’s just suppose shall we, that they held beauty that would make even the straightest of mares turn gay just for a night with them.

Now imagine them fighting over a mere mortal stallion, oh say for instance somepony like me. Each vying for my heart. Now you try add the fact that both these goddesses were slightly crazy due to their lengthy sexual suppression… You are familiar with the concept of rape right? Good, just checking… Oh, sorry about that getting off topic aren’t I? Ahem where was I… oh yes… my name is Tempest… just Tempest… well if you want to get technical it’s actually Captain Tempest and I suppose I should tell you a little about myself.

Well… I was born in the seaside city of Trottingham, I’m a unicorn and as far as I know I was abandoned at birth by my parents. So I grew up on the streets fighting for everyday of life until the day I met my true family… it’s quite a riveting story would you like to hear it? You would? Great! Well it was way back when I was just a colt no older than six or seven…

***

…One day I was minding my own business in the crowded markets of Trottingham when a group of guards started harassing me for no reason… what? It’s true… I was just trying to get some lunch in the only way I knew how… deft hooves and cunning… okay okay I was stealing… it was only a loaf of bread though. Anyway I was securing lunch when a bunch of guards came upon me…

“Hey you! Stop right there!” One of them shouted sprinting over toward me.

I froze with fear as he approached, grinning widely.

“Well well what do we have here? I think we’ve caught ourselves a thief men” He chuckled and stared directly into my green eyes.

“Do you know what we do to thieves in Trottingham, boy?” he asked menacingly, leaning in so I could feel the heat of his breath.

I shook my head slowly and gulped. My legs were knocking together in fear and a knot had worked its way into my throat.

“We cut their hooves off” he said slowly not blinking, awaiting my reaction, whilst the other guards started to chortle softly.

I was in absolute shock, positively horrified at what he said. It apparently showed because the guard burst out laughing as did the others.

“Look at his face! Priceless!” one of the guards choked out between bouts of laughter.

“H-he actually believes it” another said.

My face burned red as the guards tormented me. ‘How dare them!’ I thought no longer afraid. However what I did next wasn’t the smartest of moves.

I looked the guard straight in the eye and drew my hoof back. “Hey mister” I said softly.

“What?” the guard sneered.

“Think fast!” I shouted and threw all my strength into a single blow which landed on the guard’s nose.

I heard the guard roar in pain as he withdrew rubbing his nose furiously, his eyes watering. By then the other guards had stopped laughing and that was my cue to depart.

I bolted through the crowded market ducking and weaving through the mass of ponies. I could hear the guards behind me, trying to push through the crowd but their large size made it difficult. Despite my advantage the guards had soon leveled the playing field by taking to the air.

I was not sufficient enough in magic to do any good at that point so I ran as fast as I could through all the nooks and crannies of Trottingham. I knew the city like the back of my hoof which is perhaps what lead me to that particular alley.

A guard had zeroed in on me and began to dive rapidly toward me. I rolled out of the way just before he got me, crashing painfully onto the hard cobblestone street. That last ditch effort had crippled me as I tried to stand but an intense pain in my right hind leg caused me to cry out and fall back down.

The guard had circled back around and landed in front of me. I recognized him as the one I had punched. I started to crawl away from him slowly but he only laughed at my pitiful efforts to flee.

“You’ve got heart kid I’ll give you that. Not many would dare strike a guard but you’re gunna have to pay for that” he said removing his helmet and razing his hoof to strike me. I shut my eyes and waited for the beating, but it never came. Instead I heard a loud smash and cautiously opened one eye just in time to see the guard slump forward unconscious with a stupid look on his face.

A largely built brown stallion stood behind the guard holding what was left of a rum bottle between his teeth. He had a ragged beard, unkempt mutton chops and a black patch adorning his left eye. “Hey buddy *hic* you should pick on someone *hic* you’re own size” He said in a gruff voice, dropping the broken bottle on the ground and walking over to where I lay.

“You okay kid?” he asked swaying slightly. Goddess he smelt heavily of rum and sea salt nearly making me gag, however I managed to choke out a reply.

“Yeah, I guess so” I replied, wincing as I tried to stand. I felt a hoof on my shoulder and winced with pain as I felt him lift me up onto his back.

“Easy kid, you had quite a tumble *hic* there” he said slowly, trying not to slur his words as he walked quickly through the streets with me bouncing on his back.

I had no idea where he was taking me so I decided to make small talk to calm my nerves. “So who are you sir?” I asked politely.

“The name’s Ocean Spray” he answered with eyes forward. “What about you kid, what’s your name?” he asked.

“I don’t have a name mister, my parents abandoned me when I was just a new born foal” I replied truthfully. He stopped in front of a large oak door and turned to face me.

“Well that simply won’t do, oh no no, everypony needs a name and a family and I think I have a solution for the latter.” He said knocking on a door and walking inside when it opened.

“Well who’s this then, captain?” a voice asked.

“I found this one outside the tavern picking a fight with a guard and before you ask he don’t have a name nor a family” Ocean answered bluntly.

“My, that is unfortunate and I suppose you are thinking of adopting him into our little band of merry misfits then hmmm?” the voice replied musingly.

At the mention of adoption I felt a warm surge within my heart. ‘Adopted’ I thought over and over incredulously. It was unreal, the thought had never crossed my mind before. I had always accepted the fact that I would always be alone. Suddenly Ocean shifted and I rolled off his back onto the floor, shattering my train of thought.

I stared up at the silhouettes of the ponies gathered around me as Ocean replied. “Yes if that is what he wants. What say you kid… wanna be a pirate?” he asked bluntly. Staring intently at me with a smile on his face as my reaction became one of intense surprise.

“You’re pirates?” I asked incredulously. I had often overheard the guards talking about the ponies who sailed the sea and stole riches from wealthy merchants. Some ponies idolized them whilst others shunned them and now I was being offered not only a life but a family too. It overwhelmed me and I started to weep. Tears of joy rolled down my cheeks and the ponies gathered around all smiled warmly at me.

“I’ll take that as a yes. Welcome to the crew of the Maelstrom kid. We sail at first light so get some rest” Ocean said picking me up again and carrying me over to a hammock, placing me down gently inside. I quickly fell asleep, exhausted from today’s events. A small smile had formed on my lips as I slept… I had finally found a family… I wasn’t alone anymore.

***

Bet you smiled at that huh? I knew you would it’s a very heartwarming story. Perhaps one day I’ll tell of my adventures on the Maelstrom. But for now you’ll have to settle for the main event. It’s one hell of a story, so let’s not waste any more time.

On with the story which come to think of it starts in very much the same way except I was in Canterlot for some reason…

…About seven years later…

I strolled casually around the markets in Canterlot enjoying lustful glances from some gorgeous mares as I walked by. They giggled softly as I darted to a nearby rose bush and plucked a single rose from it. Using my magic I gently levitated it toward the group of giggling mares and placed it in front of them bowing then continuing on my way.

As I walked I felt my stomach grumble. By the heavens I was famished. I scanned the market for any sign of an easy meal. ‘Aha’ I thought as I spotted a delicious apple pie. My mouth watered as I watched the steam roll off it and smelt the scent. Only one pie could smell that good and it was a famous Apple family pie. I hesitated for a second whilst I thought about the implications of stealing from one of the legendary elements of harmony.

In Canterlot it was a jail worthy offence to steal, somewhat lesser then the punishment in Trottingham which was a public lashing. I decided that my stomach should rule my head and proceeded with my original plan.

I approached the stall cautiously trying to avoid the watchful eye of the orange mare standing behind it. ‘Slowly Tempest slowly. Nice and easy’ I thought encouraging myself to be cautious. I reached the stall and was greeted by a friendly voice.

“Well hi there, can I interest you in a delicious treat, made from fresh Apple family apples?” The orange mare said slapping me on the back… hard.

“Ah… yeah… sure?” I said not quite sure if I should abort the mission or go along with it. I was really quite nervous and it obviously showed.

“You okay partner? You look whiter than a ghost” the mare said, her eyes narrowing “hey wait a minute I know your face from somewhere” she said rubbing her chin thoughtfully.

‘Crap, she couldn’t know… could she?’ I thought. “Uh… I think you must be mistaken I’ve never met you before” I said nervously.

“Yeah I guess so… Anyway you wanna buy something or not?” she asked impatiently dropping the topic.

“Yeah okay I’ll take an apple pie thanks” I sighed with relief and began pulling out my bit purse, resigning to the fact that there would be no free lunch today.

I handed over two bits and took the apple pie and wishing the orange mare a good day before walking off to find a shady tree in which I could sit under and consume my delectable treat.

I noticed a lovely oak right next to a beautiful fountain. ‘That’ll do nicely’ I thought to myself as I walked over and proceeded to plonk down on the ground with my back resting up against the tree trunk.

I looked out at Canterlot. It really was a beautiful city compared to Trottingham. The streets were a beautiful white quartz stone, the gardens that lined the streets teemed with wildlife and perhaps the most striking feature was the Royal Palace.

‘Imagine the riches the princesses have stashed in there’ I thought. My pirate nature shining through as I began sub-consciously formulating the ways I could break inside and help myself to the vast riches that surely awaited inside.

“Huh” I said aloud. It would be surprisingly easy to break in. There were quite a lot of holes in the security which somepony as cunning as myself could exploit.

I took a mouthful of pie and temporarily forgot all about my wealth fueled fantasy. It was delicious, which made me sort of glad that I had actually paid for it. This way I could enjoy the fullness of the flavor without constantly looking over my back for guards.

As I munched happily on my pie my attention turned toward the ornate marble fountain, more specifically on the carved feature of the fountain.

The regal sisters looked absolutely astonishing as always, even in marble their grace and beauty was captured perfectly by the sculptor.

I admired the craftsmanship of the feature. It was quite impressive, truly worthy of royalty. I had almost finished my pie when I caught my reflection in the water and as always stopped to admire the handsome devil staring back at me.

‘Hello handsome… why, you should be immortalized in a statue as well... Hang on what’s this?’ I thought noticing some minor faults in my normally flawless feature.

My normally well groomed light brown mane had hair sticking up in some places. I quickly rectified this by running the flat of my rapier across the top of my head.

“There… All better” I exclaimed to my reflection. I quickly scanned for anymore anomalies but to my relief there were no major catastrophes, just some grime on my normally sheik white coat, my braids were coming undone slightly though…

… Oh just so you know this is the significance of the braids… I love telling ponies about it…

Each pirate has a braid in their mane to signify to other pirates that he/she is a fellow pirate. As well as being a signal to mark your piracy it also acts as a ranking system, the more you have the higher your flank is up the chain. For instance; one braid means that you’re just a pirate in training; two braids mean that you’re now a fully-fledged pirate and are able to serve under any flag; three braids means that you’re a veteran pirate, a respected member of any crew; four braids mean that you’re a first mate and have some command experience; five braids mean that you’re a captain and you’re ready to take command of your own vessel and terrorize the seas. That is pretty much it… well except for the last category but I’m sure you wouldn’t want to hear about that would you? You would? Fine, then I’ll tell you… if a pirate wears six braids then he/she is a pirate lord. That means that they have achieved the status of a legend, they are feared and respected by all other pirates but more or less have the same standing as a captain.

So now that you are up to date with that piece of pirate knowledge let us return to where we left off…

… So I used my magic to secure each of the five that currently dangled in the breeze. The truth was I had only been elevated to a captain several days ago and had never been inland before, not many pirates ever have. So that is why I decided to come to Canterlot. What better way to start my tour of Equestria than in her shining capital.

I tore my eyes away from my braids and moved on to the next problem. My ear ring had a bit of muck on it, so using my magic again I carefully removed it from my right ear and lowered it into the water of the fountain, cleaning it and placing it back into my ear again, making sure to fasten it carefully as it was the thing I treasured most. Ocean Spray had given me that ear ring when I earned my first braid.

Another quick look told me that I had addressed every problem and could move on. I downed the rest of my pie and rose lazily to my hooves brushing the crumbs off my vest. I stole one more glance at the regal sisters and an idea popped into my head. Turns out I was a bit short of change and there was a rather large unprotected “bank” conveniently located in the center of town.

“Time to make a withdrawal” I said, slyly grinning at my own genius. “Ladies” I said tipping an imaginary hat at the statues of the royal sisters and pivoting on my hooves to once again stroll carelessly through the streets of Canterlot… I had a castle to plunder…

***

Sooo let’s just skip all the preparation and jump right to the finale… Fine… For those of you who wish to know about the boring stuff here’s a brief summary of the rest of my day leading up to the heist…

Made way to castle… analyzed castle security measures… found a point of entry… left to find accommodation… found an inn… purchased room… asked inn keeper about anything interesting happening… was told it was nightmare night… informed of large royal ball to celebrate… surprised face… ‘perfect’ I though… easy to sneak in whilst guards focused on royal ball… formulated rest of plan but changed it when I met mare with invitation… spent the next two hours “persuading” the beautiful mare named Spitfire for her invitation to the royal ball… I asked her how she came by invitation… she said she was a part of and I quote “The most elite flyers in all of Equestria… The Wonderbolts”… confused face… “Never heard of them” I said truthfully… received long explanation, the invitation and one of her feathers as a token of appreciation… nighttime came… left Spitfire asleep peacefully… had cold bath... put on pirate “costume”… added mask for mystery… then took it off cause it made me look stupid… groomed mane and brushed teeth… catalogued arsenal… just for peace of mind… flintlock pistol and rapier… angry face… forgot musket balls… calm face… just use pistol as precaution, guards wouldn’t know if it was loaded… groomed mane again… walked downstairs… paid inn keeper… went outside… walked through streets toward castle… admired myself in shop window… saw more mares walk by… asked if they knew how to get to the castle (of course I already knew)… they giggled and offered to escort me there… arrived at castle main entrance and thanked mares for their “assistance”… wiped lipstick of face and stared at castle… surprised face… castle was really quite dressed up… walked to main gate… showed guard invitation nervously… guard nodded… I walked inside… got “lost”… found bar… ordered rum… began execution of plan…

There happy now? I told you it was a brief summary didn’t I? Anyway time for the real story to start… Now!

***

I downed my rum in one go. Reviling in the reassuring burn I confidently slammed the glass down on the bar top and rushed off to meet my destiny head on.

I walked quietly down the deserted corridors sticking as well as I could to the shadows. ‘Well… This was easier than first thought. One would expect there to be more guards guarding the royal coffers.’ I thought pleasantly as I continued on my merry way.

… Half an hour later…

By now I had climbed three flights of stairs and walked down at least six hallways before coming to a stop in front of a set of large gilded mahogany doors.

“Ah… This must be it!” I said aloud, savoring the moment before thrusting the doors wide open. However, instead of the vast horde of treasure my eyes were expecting, I was greeted with a much different scene.

The room in question consisted of a highly polished marble floor with the emblem of the sun displayed dead center and white marble walls adorned with golden pillars. There were various ebony furnishings such as; a large round table complete with four chairs; a bar with assorted liqueurs, rum included (which I made a mental note to inspect closely later); a rather long dressing table with many different assortments of perfume, jewelry boxes and photographs cluttering it.

Perhaps the most striking and condemning feature was the large circular, four poster bed in the back middle of the room. I walked over to the bed to further inspect it. There were large colorful drapes hanging overhead. The sheets were incredibly soft and lush, no doubt made of the finest and most expensive silk in all of Equestria.

Whilst I mused over the bed a small glint of light caught my eye and I turned my head toward one of the walls where I could see a small inconsistency in the marble work. To the untrained eye this would seem to be nothing of concern, however to me it practically screamed hidden room.

Upon further inspection I came to the conclusion that there was indeed a secret room behind there but I needed to find a lever or button of some sort to reveal the entrance way. Again my keen eye sight honed in on an oddly shaped perfume bottle which seemed out of place given the fact that it was actually a stallion’s cologne amongst mare’s perfumes. Honestly it wasn’t hard to discern the difference because I was actually wearing that same cologne right now but it did make me wonder why somepony ever thought that would fool anyone.

I used magic to fiddle around with it a bit until I heard a click and a section of wall slid across. ‘Jackpot’ I thought rubbing my hooves together in anticipation.

To my pleasant surprise my hopes were not dashed as I found the most magnificent gem I had ever seen. In fact I had never seen a gem like it before. It was a dark violet color that seemed to brighten the more you looked at it. The gem pulsed as I reach over and grabbed it in my mouth, removing it carefully from its pedestal. All seemed fine until I heard a soft click and a ball of magical light sprang from the pedestal and raced out the open door flying off down the hallway.

Seconds later I heard yelling and the sound of hooves racing toward my position. ‘Uh… that can’t be good’ I thought trying desperately to think of a way out of this mess. I had to think of something fast… Slipping the gem into my vest pocket, I levitated my flintlock pistol out of its holster and raced over to the bar where I quickly removed the glass stopper from the rum bottle and rammed it down the barrel. I turned to face the door and readied my pistol but not before taking a large shot of rum to calm my nerves.

No sooner had I put the bottle down when a guard came pounding through the open doors, leveling his spear at me and beginning to speak but I cut him off.

“Sorry mate, but I’m gunna have to… stop… you there” I said smiling as I pulled the trigger. Two seconds later there was a bang and a puff of smoke as the gun powder ignited and propelled the makeshift musket ball into guard’s face. Making a loud ping as it bounced off his helmet, knocking him out.

I stepped slowly over his crumpled form and proceeded to curse as I saw the mass of guards running toward me. I turned and sprinted down the nearest guard free hallway not knowing where it lead. I ran past multiple doors on my way toward what I hoped was the main entrance.

I turned a corner and found myself at dead end with a large cracked wooden door in front of me. I turned around to see if I could possibly backtrack but only cursed again when I found the guards bearing down on me.

I scrambled inside the cracked door and proceeded to barricade it with whatever I could find. I laid a large heavy bookshelf on the ground and positioned it in front of the door, praying that it would keep the guards out while I made my escape.

There was a loud crash as the guards charged the door moving the bookcase slightly. It was then I knew all hope was lost. *Bang* the guards rammed the door again causing the bookshelf to slide further.

I looked around the room, frantically searching for anything that may help. It must have been an old armory because that’s where I found it… A freaking cannon… already loaded but missing the igniter which rendered it useless.

“Surely there’s something?” I said hoping that a divine power would hear my plea and gift me with an igniter. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed a small torch and I praised the heavens.

Gripping the torch with my magic and using my hind legs to position the cannon in front of the door. I quickly went about composing myself and leaning on the cannon casually. I remembered one of the first lessons I learned as a pirate. Using an open flame to ignite a cannon was extremely risky but it was a risk I had to take.

There was a loud crash as the guards bashed the doors open, I lowered the torch to the cannon and barely had time to bang out my one liner.

“Evening gents got to run now… It’s been a blast!” I said quickly before the cannon exploded causing the guards to dive out of the way as the cannon ball whizzed past shattering the door and covering them in debris.

“As you were lads” I said casually stepping over the dazed guards and taking off back down the hallway to freedom, trying to reload my pistol at the same time.

***

I had almost made it to the entrance hall and could see the open doors when a rather serious looking white unicorn stallion wearing a royal guard dress uniform blocked my way.

“Halt! You may go no further thief… Surrender now or die” he said stamping his hoof on the ground making his multi tonal blue mane shake around his head.

“You can’t be serious… wait a minute… you are?” I taunted trying to make him mad so he would let his guard down but he remained calm and collected.

“Oh I’m very serious” he said drawing his rapier with his magic and taking a dueling stance.

Now I was no stranger to swordplay and could best many a fellow pirate, when it came to dueling guards that made it slightly more complicated.

I dropped my cool attitude and drew my own sword. For some reason I performed the dueler salute which he returned. ‘Dammit, why’d I go and give away my only advantage’ I thought mentally kicking myself for my stupidity. I was now oath bound to fight honorably as was he.

We circled each other, neither one of us wanting to make the first move. I backed slowly down the hall as he lunged, finally breaking the stalemate with the point of his sword flying dangerously close to my face. I performed a quick counter lunge, using his now off balance posture to my advantage, causing him to jump back to avoid being skewered. He regained his form and lunged again launching a quick barrage of fast jabs which I parried and countered by stepping forward and pre-empting his withdrawal, performing a counter attack and slamming the hilt of my rapier into the side of his head.

The stallion cried out and momentarily dropped his guard presenting the perfect opening to end this, but alas my earlier stupidity meant that I now had to offer him a reprise and allow him to return to en guard. During this brief lapse I noticed that we had moved from the entrance hall down the hallway toward the ball room coming to rest in front of its giant double doors.

My thoughts were shattered when the stallion re-engaged by initiating a deadlock, where we repeatedly struck each other with rapid attacks and parries.

As the stallion and I exchanged blows I managed to knock his sword to the side allowing me to nick him on the cheek just under the eye. This enraged the stallion and he retaliated by quickly disengaging and bucking me through the door… and into the crowded ball room.

Ponies everywhere gasped in surprise as I regained my composure and continued the duel. Launching a quick repulse which he deflected easy enough.

I jumped on to a nearby table as he executed a low cut which signaled the end of the “honorable fight”. Now I was free to use all my tricks. I kicked a bowl of hot soup at his face but he swatted it out of the air with a casual flick of his sword.

I jumped down from the table and backed slowly down the aisle toward the stage exchanging blows with the stallion all the way down.

Once I reached the front of the hall I went all out, throwing everything I had at him. All notion of honor had long since been forgotten as we fought fiercely, neither one of us backing down. I cried out as he lanced my front leg, burying the tip of his sword in it. I stumbled and fell backward onto an occupied table.

“Oof” I cried as I hit the table and fell flat on my back. The stallion wasting no time brought his sword down in what I was sure would be the coup de grace, but I quickly remembered my pistol, although unloaded the gun powder inside would cause a nice distraction and a few burns.

I quickly used my remaining magical abilities to hold both the sword and pistol. I felt his sword crush against mine and I felt him gaining the upper hoof. He was so focused on me that he didn’t see the pistol until it was too late. I pulled the trigger and sure enough two seconds later a bang and a flash told me that the damn thing had fired.

Ponies screamed as the stallion roared back with powder burns on his face, temporarily blinding him. I used this distraction to leap up from the table, tossing the useless pistol away and launching a desperate barrage of middle-to-high thrusts. The stallion having just recovered rolled out the way and got shakily to his hooves.

By now we were both exhausted and struggling to maintain correct posture, but still we carried on. Neither one of us was going to stop until the other lay defeated or dead. As I threw the last of my strength into a final series of slices I felt myself being lifted into the air and pulled away from the stallion.

“What? What’s happening?” I demanded looking for the perpetrator of this grave injustice, for stopping a duel meant robbing the duelists of their honor. I struggled to break free of the magical grip that had now ensnared me. That’s when I saw them and momentarily stopped struggling to gawk.

‘Hmmm…… Dammit!’ I thought once again trying desperately to escape, for the ponies that had stopped the duel were none other than Princess Celestia and Princess Luna. It seemed as though I were being held captive by Princess Luna whilst my opponent was being dealt with by Princess Celestia who seemed to be doing a smash up job at soothing the stallion by putting him to sleep.

Although the situation had taken a turn for the worst I actually felt honored to stand before the royal sisters… well floating before them rather.

‘Well this is just perfect’ I thought sarcastically as I felt myself being dragged toward the Princess of the night. I crossed my fore hooves defiantly and turned my head away in mock disgust.

“Thou shalt look at us when we address thou!” Princess Luna bellowed in her thundering Canterlot voice.

By the heavens it sounded like a cannon had gone off right next to my head and I now had a loud ringing in my ears which prevented me from hearing her next words although I could still feel the wind from them.

Her eyes burned with frustration when I did not respond and she shouted again making my eyes water. ‘Forget this’ I though finally motioning to my ears hoping she would get the picture and stop shouting.

To my relief it seemed that she did understand and brought me closer to her mouth to compensate. At that moment I had a brilliant idea, I noticed a pulley system hidden within the wings of the main stage. One of the ropes had a large bass amplifier attached and dangling in the air (for what reason, we may never know) , so theoretically if I cut the rope the bass would act as a counter weight and propel me up into the dark loft. All I needed now was for Princess Luna to release her hold on me and I had a most pleasant way of achieving that.

As Princess Luna leaned in to whisper in my ear I quickly turned my head and planted a kiss right on her mouth. Her eyes widened immediately and a small high pitched but muted “mmphf” echoed in her throat. What surprised me was her lack of resistance, as she had yet to make a move to stop me. Her magical grip on me faltered and I was able to break free of her hold all together. Upon slipping free a small murmur of surprise rippled through the rest of the crowd.

I smiled mischievously and ran as fast as I could toward the stage. Although it took them awhile the guards finally managed to spur into action and started rushing toward me but they were too late. As usual I was already one step ahead. Wrapping the rope around my hoof I quickly retrieved my sword from its resting place and positioned it on the rope below my hoof. I was about to cut the rope when I stole a glance at Princess Luna.

As my eyes briefly met hers I saw her cheeks redden and she dropped her gaze to the floor. Next I looked briefly at Celestia who only gave a fiery glare. I snapped off a quick salute as I cut the rope and waited a full three seconds for the bass to drop.

When it did finally drop I was flung up into the air. The guards stopped and stared open mouthed as I soared high above the ballroom floor. I landed heavily on the metal loft, wincing as my injured hoof impacted the hard surface.

I turned to face the stunned crowd and gave a bow. As I turned to leave I did the stupidest thing a pirate could do.

I returned my gaze to the fiery Princess Celestia and took the gem from my pocket. Floating it down to her, I smirked as I heard her gasp in surprise.

“For you milady” I said softly as she took hold of the gem and clutched it to her chest, proceeding to glare at me before offering a fleeting smile. She blinked once and her expression went back to its normal cool reserve.

It was time for me to leave now as the guards had managed to scramble up onto the loft and were bearing down on me. I quickly blew Princess Celestia a kiss, not wanting to tarnish my reputation as a gentlecolt and as I turned I could’ve sworn I saw her blush ever so slightly.

The guards were now dangerously close and my time in the spotlight had come to an end. Sprinting as fast as my injured hoof allowed, I raced across the loft cursing softly every step of the way as I made my way toward the door at the far end of the ballroom.

A few of the more confident guards flew in front of me trying to block my escape. I laughed mockingly as I jumped over the top of them showing off my incredibly agility by summersaulting in midair but wincing again as I landed heavily on my injured hoof.

Finally reaching the door, I yanked it open and threw myself through it. Slamming the door behind me and bucking the lock so it permanently jammed the door closed.

I could almost taste freedom as I leapt down from the loft and raced off down the hallways once more.

***

I finally burst into the main hall, panting heavily as I shot a quick glance at the angry horde of guards behind me. There had to be more than fifty guards behind me. “Arrrggg!” I yelped jumping nervously on the spot. At the rate I was going they would easily catch me before I reached the door.

Pushing such thoughts to the furthermost corners of my mind I pressed on, only to stop a few short seconds later. ‘Stairs!’ I thought wickedly as I knew I wouldn’t be able to make it down them with my injury. Leaps and landings I could deal with easy enough as the pain was only brief, but stairs were the one foe I could not best.

I had to do something though, so I leapt onto the handrails and proceeded to slide about three quarters of the way down before slipping and smashing my face repeatedly on the remaining stairs.

Sliding across the polished floor with my hind legs in the air I came to an abrupt stop at the golden shoed hooves of Princess Celestia.

‘What the? How did she get there before me?’ I thought bewilderedly, perplexed as to how she could’ve moved so fast.

My eyes slowly traced her body from the hooves up to her face and stared into her amused purple eyes. She lowered her head to my ear and whispered softly.

“Gotcha!” she said with a smirk on her face.

I watched as her horn glowed softly and a deep sense of drowsiness overcame me. My eyelids became heavy and fluttered as I fought back the waves of weariness. I heard her voice inside my head willing me to sleep.

At last I couldn’t fight her anymore and I gave in, letting my eyes close and a deep sense of calm wash over me as I drifted out of consciousness.

‘Damn… one point to you’ I thought just before I slipped into a peaceful sleep…

***

… Now wasn’t that a night to remember… But the story doesn’t end there. There’s still a bunch more excitement to come but before we can continue I need a drink… Excuse me will you?

Barmaid… hey barmaid… get a stallion something to drink would you…

…To be continued

Author's Note

After some long hours writing I constructed this... I haven't been able to write anything else as my Laptop broke and I'm currently in the process of fixing it. I had to use my surface pro to write this...

Anyway I hope you like it, I put a lot of effort into this one and I did drop a hint that there will be a sequel of Tempest's time on the maelstrom.
Leave a comment and a like if you wish for more.
As for the puns and bad jokes... I regret nothing