No Joking Matter

by Touch the Sky

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Shining Armor, Discord, Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Princess Cadance, Comedy
Length: 4529

When Discord hears that his own creation, poison joke, continues to flourish in the Everfree, he simply cannot resist a good prank. Poison joke in hand, he storms Canterlot Castle.

When Discord hears that his botanical creation, poison joke, continues to flourish in the Everfree, he simply cannot resist a good prank. Poison joke in hand, he storms Canterlot Castle.

Needless to say, the princesses are not impressed. But then, neither is Discord, since the joke also has an unexpected effect on him. And none of them know the cure.

Published 2013-08-14 16:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-14 16:20:02 UTC

A Sprinkle of Poison Joke

Discord, Lord of Chaos, or Supposedly-Reformed Chaos anyway, skated down the winding track to his friend Fluttershy's home. It was summer, but he had changed the road into soap, so he skated nevertheless. Arriving at her door, instead of knocking he smacked a manifested rubber chicken against the door; his own signature knock. Immediately, he detected Fluttershy's soft hoofsteps and her gentle admonishing tone as she walked to the door. Discord was sure he heard the word 'Angel' in her speech and blanched; that rabbit was more evil than he had been.

The door swung open a crack and one of Fluttershy's aquamarine eyes appeared in it, staring up at him. Then the door burst open and Fluttershy was hugging him tightly. "Discord!" she squealed. "What a nice surprise..." her voice trailed off at the sight of the soapy road and she pulled away to frown at him. Discord sighed, and with a snap of his claws the road was back to normal.

"So why did you come to see me?" inquired Fluttershy as she led the way into her home. Discord, glancing around, suddenly spotted Angel glaring at him from a cushion on the floor. Discord stuck his tongue out at the rabbit and then turned away.
"Why, I came to see you, my dear Fluttershy. I mean- we are still friends, right?" Discord attempted to look forlorn.

"Oh, of course we- Angel, leave Discord alone."
Discord turned around. The cushion was unoccupied, and Angel was clinging to the furry tuft on the end of his tail, hanging just a few centimetres from the draconequus' face. Discord glared at the rabbit, who glared back.

"Angel..." warned Fluttershy. The rabbit reached out and nipped Discord on the nose before letting go and falling to the ground. Fluttershy ushered her pet back onto his cushion.

"Poor Angel bunny has been ill. I went to get him some medicine from Zecora this morning, and now he's feeling much better. But he still needs to rest."

"Zecora?" Discord had not heard this name before.

"Oh, I forgot to tell you about her! She's a zebra who lives in the Everfree forest; everyone used to be afraid of her, but now she's an accepted part of our community. She knows a lot about herbal remedies; why, she helped us when we had a problem with poison joke- although at the time we thought she had cursed us..."

"Wait. Fluttershy, did you say poison joke?"

"Yes. It's a plant with blue leaves and flowers that grows in the Everfree, and if you touch it it causes strange effects- like, it shrunk Applejack, turned Rainbow's wings upside down, made Rarity's hair grow really long, and made my voice- um... really deep."

"Ahahaha!" cackled Discord, wiping away a tear of mirth. "Oh, I'd have loved to see that. Poison joke, hm? I never thought it would take hold, but apparently it has."

Fluttershy looked at him, puzzled.
"Discord, if you don't mind me asking, um, what are you talking about?"

"Why, the poison joke. It's a form of poison ivy imbued with some of my own chaotic powers- I should know, I created it. Though I only had one plant- it must have somehow spread after I was turned to stone."

Fluttershy looked appalled. "Why would you create a plant like that?"

Discord huffed. "Might I remind you I was... how you say... a bit less obedient then, Fluttershy? Anyway, I was going to use it for the purpose of chaos, but the princesses got to me first. I didn't even know if it actually worked until now. Say, you don't know whereabouts in the Everfree it is, do you?"

"Yes, but I'll only tell you if you aren't going to do something nasty like cover the whole of Ponyville with it." Fluttershy shuddered. "I'm sure Rarity would be baying for your pelt if she knew you'd made that plant, since it is 'a crime against fabulosity' according to her- and she'd be closely followed by Rainbow Dash. So for your own safety, don't take it anywhere near Rarity- or any of the ponies in town, for that matter."

"It's alright, Fluttershy. I only want some as a bedside plant," soothed Discord. "Now, where is it, if you'd be so kind?"

"Okay... It's just off the path after you pass the glade with all the pink flowers. Get past the glade, turn left, and it's everywhere."

"Thank you, Fluttershy. I will now bid you good day." Discord pulled a hat and cane from mid-air, tipped the hat to her, and swept out of the door.

Discord chuckled as he strolled along the path through the Everfree; it was all too easy fooling Fluttershy. She hadn't made him promise, so he was held by nothing. But he wasn't planning on pranking Ponyville anyway; he just wanted to see the effects of his creation on the princesses. The looks on their faces would be priceless. If they still had faces.

A pair of timberwolves suddenly leapt out at him, snarling. With a sigh, Discord produced a frisbee from nowhere and sent it soaring through the trees. Both timberwolves gave chase, snapping at each other in their efforts to get to the disc first. Discord got a little further along the path before one of the timberwolves came back and dropped the now chewed up frisbee at his feet. Discord looked from the frisbee to the glowing eyes to the slowly-wagging wooden tail and groaned. He raised his foot to carry on up the path, but the timberwolf let out a horrible growl and he quickly put his foot down.

Discord looked at the timberwolf thoughtfully. The glowing eyes looked back at him, emotionless. Slowly, Discord bent down and picked up the frisbee, then threw it again, as hard as he could. It vanished in a large patch of thorns.

As the timberwolf dug around in the thicket, Discord quickly set to walking, speeding along the path. As the timber-wolf's frantic scrabbling died into the distance, a glade full of brilliant pink flowers came into view.
Relieved, Discord turned left off the path and then, to his delight, saw the entire forest floor carpeted with the pale blue leaves of poison joke. Gleefully, Discord sprung forwards and began gathering huge armfuls of the plants.

When he had collected as much as he could carry, he set off towards the path. But as he looked over to the path, he saw the timberwolf sitting there, the frisbee a few bits of chewed plastic at its paws. Discord rolled his eyes and then took flight, using his mismatched wings to carry him back to town. Behind him, the timberwolf set up a plaintive howling for its new playmate.

Arriving back above town, Discord hid the poison joke on a roof and went to purchase a sack. Sacks were harder to manifest for him as they weren't particularly chaotic, and he was feeling lazy. Returning to the place he'd hidden the poison joke, Discord came face to face with an angry Rainbow Dash.
"Discord! I should've known it was you! Why've you got all this poison joke?"

Discord improvised rapidly. "Why, hello, Rainbow Dash. I just love these plants, you see, and the Canterlot scientists are doing an experiment on them to find the cure-"

"I know the cure, it's-"

"Yes, but the scientists need to prove it for themselves, don't they?" Discord interrupted, stuffing poison joke into the sack with his paw, well aware he'd pay for it with a really long beard or something in the morning.

Rainbow didn't look convinced. She narrowed her magenta eyes. "Not planning on pulling any pranks with it, are you?"

"Of course not." Discord looked wounded.

"Hmmm... I don't believe you..."

"Rainbow Dash, I am offended. But now I must bid you good day. Catch." He plucked a single plant from the bag and threw it at her as he teleported away. Rainbow jumped back with a yelp, but the plant brushed past her and she sighed exasperatedly. But then a cunning smirk spread over her face and, picking up the blue plant, she flew off in the direction of Carousel Boutique.

Discord arrived in his room at Canterlot Castle and immediately began work. He scattered leaves over the princesses' thrones, their balcony, in their beds, carefully concealing them with his magic as he did so. He had to make sure all three princesses- since Cadence and Shining Armour were staying in the castle for a little break from ruling the Crystal Empire- came into contact with the poison joke at least once.
Then, for good measure, he emptied the rest of the leaves into the soldiers' barracks.

Discord eagerly leapt out of bed in the morning. He was desperate to see the results of his prank. He didn't have to wait long.
Luna shouted in the Royal Canterlot Voice, "DISCORD!"

Nonchalantly, Discord strolled along the corridors to the throne room. He noticed he was moving a little more smoothly and gracefully than usual, but thought nothing of it as he peeked around the edge of the door. Luna was standing facing Celestia, who was shaking her head, facing away from her sister. Peering in, Discord could see that Luna's coat and mane had turned the most ridiculous bright shade of pink. She looked more like the princess of cotton candy than the princess of the night.

But Celestia seemed unchanged, and Discord was confused and disappointed. Then Celestia turned around- and Discord saw that she had grown a thick moustache and beard, which were flowing ethereally like her mane and tail.
He couldn't stop himself. Discord fell over, laughing so hard he thought he would burst. It was only when he realised that his laugh was high and giggly that he stopped. Something was definitely wrong with him.

"DISCORD!" shouted Luna again. Discord wandered in, twiddling his ear.

"Sheesh, not so loud, Loony! You'll wake the whole castle." Yes, his voice was definitely higher. Luna didn't seem to notice, though.

"THOU RAPSCALLION! WHAT TRICKERY IS THIS?!?" yelled Luna into his ear.

Celestia drew herself up. "Discord, remove this spell at once."

Discord faked innocence. "What spell?"

"The one which has caused Luna's colour change and has produced this!" Celestia waved a hoof at her beard.

"The beard? It looks most dashing on you, Celestia."

Celestia ignored the comment and fixed her pink eyes on him properly. "Speaking of beards, where's yours?" she asked.
Discord raised his claw to his chin to find it bare and smooth.

"Discord, look up." instructed Celestia. Discord did so, with minor puzzlement, and Celestia started to snigger, then giggle, then outright laugh. Luna soon joined in.

"AHAHAHAHAH. Discord, thou hast cursed thyself."

"I... what?" Discord was puzzled now. Still laughing, Celestia summoned a mirror and hovered it in front of Discord.

Discord stared in horror at his reflection. His lovely beard was gone, his horns were smaller, and his eyelashes were longer. A thick, flowing mane of black hair replaced his neat brush-like mane. There was no doubt about it, he was now a female draconequus.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!" screamed Discord, a cry which could easily pass for Rarity's. In fact Rarity herself, miles away in Ponyville, was also screaming her lungs out, though the cry was greatly muffled by the thick locks of long white and purple fur which had sprouted from her usually perfect coat and mane.

"Aitselec!" screeched a voice from the doorway. The princesses' attention was distracted from Discord, who was examining 'her' new black tresses in horror, and turned to the figure in the doorway. At first it appeared Cadence was perfectly normal, but then she started talking and the illusion was gone.
"Tahw si eht gninaem fo siht?"

"Uh.... pardon, Cadence?" asked Celestia.

"I t'nac pleh ti! I yas gnihtyreve sdrawkcab rof emos nosaer!" wailed Cadence.

"Cadance, I'm sorry, but I have no idea what you're saying."

Cadance's eyes fell on Discord. "Drocsid! Tahw evah uoy enod ot em?!"

"Me?" Discord batted his long eyelashes in a show of innocence. He had quickly gotten over the shock of his gender change, and was now enjoying the show. "I haven't done anything to you, Cadence."

Cadence shook her head. "Htiw lla eud tcepser, Aitselec, er'uoy yzarc gnittel mih yats ereh."

Seconds later, her husband appeared, running into the room. He raised a white hoof in salute, and announced,
"Your majesties, my soldiers are all taken by some strange ailment-"
He stopped dead, his eyes moving over the four other figures in the room. Luna began to titter again at the sound of his voice. It sounded as if he'd been inhaling helium.

"Ehehehahaha." sniggered Luna.

Shining Armor just stared.

An hour later, everything had calmed down. Discord, the shock hitting him again after he realised his entire body smelled of flowers, had started hyperventilating and had been taken back to his room to relax. The soldiers- those who were able- were back at their posts. Their ailments ranged from extremely long ears, to constantly talking in rhyme, to one bizarre case whose personal gravity appeared to have been reversed- but no two effects were the same. Now the three princesses and Shining Armor stood once more in the throne room to consider the best course of action.

"I seem to remember my faithful student once writing to me about this plant." Celestia prodded with her hoof at a sprig of poison joke which Discord had had in his room; the draconequus had confessed to his prank in his panic. "It seems she and her friends were affected by it, but cured themselves. However, she did not detail how exactly they cured themselves."

"Well, sister, then you should write to her, and ask," proclaimed Luna.

"Of course." Celestia used her magic to produce a quill and parchment-
Or at least, tried to. As her horn glowed with magic, there was a loud, obnoxious noise and a plush chicken materialised where the parchment and quill should have.

Frowning, Celestia tried again, and again, with the same result. In turn, Luna, Cadence and Shining Armor tried, each producing a different (but equally silly) noise and an object, none of which were parchment and quill. A few minutes later, the throne room floor was littered with wizard hats (all of Luna's creation) pom-poms (Cadence) and rubber squids (courtesy of Shining Armor) as well as Celestia's plushie chickens.

Finally, Celestia strode over to a cupboard and using her hooves, pulled out a sheet of parchment and a quill. With difficulty, she wrote out the letter with her hoof, before attempting to send it via magic. She was met by another loud noise and the roll of parchment turning into a plushie chicken.

Celestia cursed. "It seems we shall have to send the letter by a non-magical means. Shining Armor, fetch your fastest pegasus soldier."

Shining Armor was back in minutes with a pegasus soldier, who saluted. His mane and tail were totally gone, but that appeared to be the only effect he had suffered.

Celestia wrote out the letter again, then gave it to the soldier.
"I shall deliver it as fast as possible, your Majesties, though it may take a little longer without my tail for balance."

"Thank you, Golden Arrow."
The soldier saluted again, then galloped away.

Celestia sat down. "Now we wait."

But Discord had gotten over his condition by this point, and, listening in, realised that his prank was going to be over too quickly. So he stunned Golden Arrow as the soldier ran past his door, and took the letter. He ran his eyes over it and frowned.

'My Faithful Student,

There has been a rather regrettable incident at Canterlot Castle. Discord decided it would be funny to scatter poison joke throughout the castle. Everyone in the castle is now afflicted by the plant's effects. We would be grateful if you could send a message straight away detailing the cure for this plant's effects.

Princess Celestia.'

Discord frowned, stroking his nonexistent beard. "Hmmm... maybe a few slight alterations..."
He scribbled for several minutes, before finally coming up with:

'My Faithful Student,

There has been a rather regrettable incident at Canterlot Castle. Discord decided it would be funny to eat feed everyone a whole pile of poison joke gunpowder. As a result, everyone in the castle has now died exploded.
We would be grateful if you would diesizzle off your own face send us an essay at least one million pages long detailing every single second of your life. We expect this essay in the next five seconds. We won't read it because we're dead, but you must still send it or you will fail all of your future tests by default. And finally, don't take life too seriously. No one gets out alive anyway.

Princess Celestia.

Discord tied the scroll up again, shrugging. It wasn't his best work, but still... He dropped the scroll next to the stunned guard and made himself scarce.
The guard woke up, unsure of what had happened. Espying the scroll, he picked it up and continued running down the corridor.

Discord watched from a window, sniggering at his own cleverness as the guard took flight, carrying the joke message towards Ponyville.

For the next few hours, Discord irritated everyone and generally made a huge nuisance of himself. He transformed Luna's pink mane into cotton candy and followed the pink princess around, snatching clawfulls of the sticky floss and stuffing them into his mouth, much to Luna's fury. Discord irritated Cadence so much she screamed in anger, and Discord was delighted to hear the scream come out backwards.
"HHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

All of this Celestia saw, and put up with. She sat there, looking solemn, her moustache and beard rippling slowly as she patiently waited for Twilight's reply.

An hour later, Golden Arrow was back. But he was exhausted, since a colossal pile of paper was strapped onto his back.
Discord gleefully looked on as a bemused Celestia accepted the pile of paper, titled, "A Million-and-One page essay on The Life Of Twilight Sparkle."

"Discord!" cried Celestia. The female draconequus sauntered in, a bit of cotton candy in his paw.

"Yes, Celestia?" he asked innocently.

"What did you do to the letter?"

"Why, nothing, Celestia. I just made a few minor alterations."

Celestia brought her hoof to her forehead. "Like what?"

"Oh, you know, correcting your spelling, grammar and so on... and telling Twilight everyone in the castle had exploded..."

"WHAT?"

"...and telling her she had to write at least a million pages about her life in five seconds and send it to you..."

"WHAT?!"

"Oh, and that if she didn't send it, she'd fail all her future tests."

"Discord." Celestia's voice was solemn. "I am disappointed in you for mocking my most faithful student in this way."

"Tiaw!" This was Cadence. "Fi ehs etorw tuoba reh elohw efil, neht siht yasse tsum yas woh ehs deruc eht nosiop ekoj!"

"What did she say, Discord?"

Discord sighed. "She said, 'Wait. If she wrote about her whole life, then this essay must say how she cured the poison joke.'" The draconequus sighed again. "I really didn't think this through."

"Cadence is right!" Luna said. Her mane was all but gone, but she raised her head happily. "If we search thy student's essay, we shall find the cure!"

It was many hours later when Luna waved a page in the air. "Here!"

Celestia ran her eyes over the page. "Ah! It seems the cure is some kind of herbal bath which a local zebra brews up.. I believe most of these ingredients can be found in the castle infirmary. Although there are a couple of ingredients which I can't identify... it seems it would be much easier to just send somepony to pick up some of the remedy from this 'Zecora'."

"We'll send another guard." said Shining Armour, ready to head back to the barracks.

"No, not fast enough. Discord will have to go."

Discord blanched. "What? But-"

"No buts. This entire scenario was your fault, so you'll sort it out. I hate to send you, but I'm sure you'll agree this prank has gone on long enough. Now, get back to Ponyville and collect the cure from Zecora."

"But- what if somepony sees me- like this?"

"Then you've only got yourself to blame."

Discord huffed. "Fine. I'll go. Now, I'll see you later."

With a snap of his claws, Discord was on the outskirts of Ponyville. He was about to sneak towards the Everfree, when he heard a tremendous uproar in the centre of town. He headed towards it, curiosity getting the better of him.

Back at the castle, Celestia was reading the last few pages of Twilight's essay. She stared, horrified, at the parchment.
"Luna!"

"Yes, Tia?"

"Look at this."

Luna stared at the paper and read:

'At precisely 8.47.34 am this morning, I heard a scream and woke up. I fell onto the floor, hitting my nose, and then stood up... using my left foreleg first, then my right foreleg, then-'

"That bit isn't important. Look further down the page." urged Celestia.

'I arrived at the Boutique and opened the door with my right foreleg. I found Rarity in a state of great distress, so I walked towards her, starting on my left hindleg-"

"Skip that bit too." Celestia said. "Look here."

'...and then Rainbow Dash crashed in through the window, blinking her eyes rapidly. She said in a shocked tone that she had found poison joke (refer to Pages 356,347 to 562,347, Chapter 405: Early days in Ponyville) in her home and now her wings were upside down again. Not only that, but she had seen Discord around yesterday with a sack of poison joke. Looking at Rainbow I could see amusement in her eyes.'

Luna looked up. "So poison joke has hit Ponyville too. What's the matter?"

Celestia jabbed at the paper. "Keep reading."

'Rarity showed a lot of anger. She jumped up, ran outside and began bolstering a mob. They were enraged by Rarity's account and the effect on her and Rainbow, and they began to shout, "Death to Discord!!" over and over."

Luna looked at her sister, aghast. "This happened today?"

"Only a few hours ago."

"So we've just sent an unwitting Discord to a town where all the ponies want to kill him, er, her, er, it."

"In a nutshell."

"Ah."

Discord had found this out the hard way. He had sneaked into the town centre, only for a pony to shriek, "There he is!" and charge him, accompanied by many others, toting pitchforks and other weaponry. On the roof of town hall, a pony he supposed was Rarity from the colour of her extremely long coat stood, rallying them. Discord didn't even think of teleporting, he just ran.

He raced through streets and alleyways until he reached the edge of town. But the mob were right on his tail, so he hurled himself into the forest.

The mob stopped, milling around on the edge of the forest, not quite brave enough to follow their quarry. Finally one said, "Leave him to the timberwolves!" and they left.

Discord kept going, unaware of the disappearance of his pursuers. He finally skidded to a halt in a clearing. A large boulder stood by a pit in the centre; it appeared the stone had been blocking the pit, but had been recently moved. Without hesitation, Discord scrambled down the tunnel beneath it, emerging in a cave with a glittering pool of pure water. A voice sounded in the cave.
"Ah, this is not an equine like us, it is a female draconequus!"

Discord turned to see a zebra looking at her. The zebra frowned.

"Of a female draconequus I knew not, only of the male Discord in Canterlot."

"That's me!" exclaimed Discord. "I, uh, had some issues with poison joke."

The zebra tutted. "Dawdle not with those leaves of blue, for those who know the cure are far and few."

"But you know it." Discord said hopefully. "I mean, you are Zecora?"

"That is indeed my name, it's true. But I'm not sure I should be helping you."
The zebra started to walk towards the exit, but Discord blocked her way.

"Zecora, everypony in Canterlot Castle is affected. I need that cure."

Zecora looked at the draconequus calmly. "If so urgent is your need, you certainly do not have to plead. I shall make up the herbal brew, to extract you from this stew." Discord felt his eyes drawn to the pool. Zecora noticed this and chided, "Keep yourself far from this pool, turn away, don't be a fool." She left the cave, and Discord followed with a little hesitation.

Zecora pushed the stone back into place without much effort, and then trotted away, out of the clearing, not looking to see if Discord was following. He was, and they soon arrived at a hut, adorned with tribal masks from the zebra's homeland. Zecora shuffled herbs around as she put mixes of various leaves into small pouches. Eventually, she handed Discord a sack, containing quite a few of the pouches.

"This should suffice to cure all in Canterlot, and get you out of your unfortunate spot."

Discord thanked the zebra profusely, and then with a snap of claws, reappeared in the throne room at Canterlot.

Celestia turned to look at the draconequus. "Are you all right? Did you get the cure?"

"Yes, after a mob of psychotic ponies tried to kill me."

"I'm sorry about that. I didn't know of the situation in Ponyville."

"Anyway." Discord held the sack up. "Shall we get this whole ordeal out of the way?"

Two days later, a once more male Discord was visiting Fluttershy. He had made a public apology in Ponyville town square (though he had had little to do with their afflictions) and Rarity had also apologised for the whole mob-bolstering thing.

Fluttershy hadn't forgiven him for lying and breaking his promise, however, so now he visited her to grovel for forgiveness.
It only took a forlorn look and a crocodile-tear-filled apology for Fluttershy to forget all about her anger.
But still Discord wondered about that mysterious, underground pool of water in the forest. He asked Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, but neither would talk about it. This only convinced him that there was something special about it, and so he scoured Twilight's essay, and finally got his answer.

The night after, a lanky, shadowy figure rolled the stone out of the way and disappeared into the underground cave.

And the next morning, Celestia rose, left her sleeping chamber- and was trampled by a stampede of draconequui, all clutching rubber chickens.

"DISCORD!"

Author's Note

This is set between Keep Calm and Flutter On and Magical Mystery Cure- thus, no Twilicorn yet.

Don't take this at all seriously. It's just something I wrote for fun

Check out the sort-of-sequel, The Essay of Twilight Sparkle- explaining what was happening in Ponyville during the events in this story!