The Worst Courier.

by Late Night Delight

Rating: mature
Tags: Comedy, Random, Crossover
Length: 1438

A satire of most New Vegas Crossovers. The worst Courier gets sent to Equestria.

A fight with the Legion makes Dr. David Davidson Mastafalies Davidson rethink what it means to be human, as he is sent to the alien world of Ponies and Friendship. Will he be able to live with himself again for being a bad man? Can he ever truly find happiness? Maybe even love? More importantly, will the ponies accept him for what he is?

The answer, obviously, is no.

(A satire of most Courier in Equestria stories, Because I hate them, yet everyone else loves them.)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-18 16:30:02 UTC

The Plight of The Mary Sue

A young man, of the age somewhere between teenage and adult, ran along the broken streets of the Mojave wasteland. He'd ran for hours, not stopping, because he knew he was invincible, and therefore plot relevant. His name was David Davidson Mastafalies Davidson, who had a ten in every S.P.E.C.I.A.L category and a hundred in every skill level. Yet no matter how powerful he was, he always felt no happiness.

"Oh woe is me." He said, shooting a raider in the face without stopping. "Life here is just so hard for me. It's like everyone wants me dead. Why can't I be friends with people?!"

He fired his weapon a second time at another raider, hitting him in the leg. The raider exploded in a shower of gore.

"Ooh, Free ammo." David said as he took a dozen energy cells from the Raider's discarded intestines. He reloaded his anti-material rifle, and shot another raider in the chest, Again, making him explode. Again, David retracted a few energy cells from a piece of the man's cranium.

All the while he did this, he never stopped running, showing no signs of tiring even though he held a twenty pound rifle and was suited in full combat gear, consisting mainly of a trenchcoat and riot armor. He stopped running once he noticed there were no raiders left. He breathed a sigh of relief.

"I thought I'd never live through that." He said, even though no shots from his attackers ever came close to him. "I have to be more careful, I could die at any moment."

Suddenly, a group of Legionary assassins jumped from behind a nearby rock.

"Halt Courier!" The leader of the group said. "We are strawman representations of your enemy of the Legion. We wish to kill you in armed combat, even though we are horrendously outmatched. Prepare to die, Profligate!"

The group all started firing at once, with one bullet hitting David right in the thigh. He grunted in pain, and returned fire with his rifle, hitting a Legionary in the head. He didn't die, so the Courier shot him in the chest, making him explode. Even more bullets perforated his body, and David began to feel weaker.

"WAIT!" He yelled as he brought up his Pip-boy, injecting stimpaks into his body. The legionaries froze, and waited patiently for David to finish his healing. He lowered his arm, and the battle resumed.

Before long, most of the assassins were dead, save for one, who was still fring at David from behind a rock, and only hitting the stone in front of him. David took a shot with his rifle, blowing the Legionary's head cleanly off.

"Retribution!" He yelled, Though it had absolutely no feeling behind it, and it was coming from his detached skull. David lowered his rifle, as the battle was over.

"That was too easy." He remarked, pulling a bullet from his shoulder. "Legion's been getting soft on me."

Not long after, David Davidson continued his running, no worse for wear than before. He ran along the road, all the way till dusk, until he reached the outskirts of Freeside.  He looked at the gates, contemplating thoughts too deep for any one man to comprehend.

'I need to find love, and something to fight for. Besides the heaps of caps and the endless amount of praise from the people. It's just so hollow.'

Before he could open the gates though, a wormhole opened right in front of, shocking the courier enough to cause him to pause.

"This doesn't look safe." He observed, freezing where he stood. "I better just go through it anyway, because It's my duty as protector of the Wasteland."

He resolved himself, and with a great shout, pushed himself through the ectoplasm of the portal into a new world.

__________________________________________

When he stepped out the other side, his eyes were assaulted by the bright colors of the trees he was standing in. The sun was beating down on his head. The air was fairly warm, and it made him feel at home. He blinked the cerulean and forest green orbs that were his eyes, and took in all his surroundings. He deduced he was in a forest, and there was grass under him.

"This is definitely not the Mojave." He observed. "I better go talk to the locals to see where I am, hopefully they don't attack me. I'm tired of all the killing."

As he said that, a rather large manticore burst from the bushes, chasing after a small deer through the woods. Faster than humanly possible, and with the aid of VATS, David took the head off the manticore with a well placed shot to the foot. The blood of the manitcore coated the forest in crimson, making David think about the legion.

'I'll kill every last one of those fuckers.' He thought menacingly. 'How dare they accept a means of government other than freedom and liberty. What barbarians! They don't deserve anything other than a bullet to the face!' He thought. He shook his head, clearing the thoughts.

"That was close," He said. "I hope that deer's okay." The deer was long gone, and David frowned, saddened.

"Why does everything I shoot at  have to die?! Why can't I have friends?!" he wailed, tears coming to his eyes. "The world is just so cruel!"

He ran forwards in the forest, occasionally stopping to stare at the flowers and contemplate the meaning of purpose. He would cross paths with various animals, which he would dispatch in bloody fashion quickly, and then become saddened when the other animals would run from him. Couldn't they see he just wanted friends?

Eventually, he came across the border of the forest, into what appeared to be an orchard of Appletrees. Further down, he spotted a barn and country house, reminding himself to raid the place for supplies that he had no use for.

He slowed his pace down to a slow jog in the orchard, everynow and again, picking apples off the trees and devouring them on the spot. They did absolutely nothing for him, and he despised the taste.

'This food is so....different....than that of the wasteland. Could it be I'm in some sort of heaven?' He thought, chewing on an apple's core. 'Can I truly be happy here?'

"What in tarnation?!" A southern voice said from behind him. The courier stopped dead in his tracks, and took out his pistol. He looked to the source of the voice, only to see an orange colored horse standing quite angrily in front of him.

David Davidson Mastafalies Davidson stared mesmerized at the pony, his mind coming up with infinite possiblities at what made it talk. He kept staring, because his highly intelligent mind couldn't even beging to comprehend the illogic of what was standing not three yards ahead of him.

"What in Celestia's name are you?" the horse, Applejack, said again. David's eyes widened.

"Holy shit, A Talking horsey!" He said quite stupidly. He pointed his rifle at her. "Give me a reason why I shouldn't kill you right now."

The orange horse paused a second, and then approached him slowly.

"You can talk?" She asked. The courier nodded slowly, the rifles crosshairs not moving from the mare's forehead.

"Yes." he said. "And you can too....Am I high on chems right now?" He lowered hit rifle a bit, calming his raging paranoia a bit to think logically.

The mare narrowed her eyes a bit at him , trying to analyze the human fully. She slowly extended a hoof to him, as if to see if he's real. The Courier took this as a sign of hostility, and fired his rifle while backpedaling.

He missed.

Applejack screamed as a half inch bullet flew past her left shoulder, scaring the mare enough to cause her to bolt towards the courier. David, not thinking clearly, fired again, still missing her even though she was almost two feet in front of him. Faster than he could comprehend, the mare turned around suddenly and struck her legs out with the force of a runaway train.

The mare's legs connected squarely with David's torso.

"My precious Armor!" He screamed as he dropped his rifle, clutching at his chest and falling onto his behind. "You could have broken it!"

He would have stood to shoot the offending creature, had Applejack not gone and bucked him square in the face. Knocking him out cold. He did get a rather nice view of her backside though.

'That is probably the second most disgusting thing I have ever seen'