A Very Bad Situation

Chapter 1: A Very Bad Situation

After a long day of working at K-Mart, cashier Fitzgerald Schlitz cracked a beer and put on a baseball game on his television. Fitzgerald, or Fitz between friends, was a young twenty something college student in the town of Billings, Montana. He stood six foot, with long arms and big hands and feet. He studied baseball history, and came to the conclusion that he resembled Honus Wagner the most in a vintage lineup. Along with baseball, Fitz studied American History at Rocky Mountain University, had a knack for a good meal and classic rock, and also took a particular fancy for wearing kilts.

His home was not much, but it was his. A small house near the outer community of Billings known as the "Rims" kept him close enough to his job, but still close enough to school. It was a small bungalow, with one room and one bathroom. It got him by, because he could not stand roommates. He had one once, but after he told him that he only liked Fitz as a friend, Fitz packed up and left.

The beer he drank tasted particularly good that night and the alcohol pumped through his bloodstream, giving a well-deserved high. Five beers later, he conked out as another Met went down swinging.

The next morning, he woke up to something just a little different. His bookcase was gone. Fitz got up and looked back at the bed; it wasn't his either. Since when did I get these satin sheets? He thought, How much did I drink last night? When he heard a knock on the door to the bedroom, things began to get even worse, My room doesn't even have a door! Where the fuck am I?

A yellow cartoon pony, with a pink mane, came through the door, "I hope you're feeling better now," she said, quietly, "You weren't looking very good this morning…" and she saw him standing.

"Who…who are you?" Fitz stammered, "What are you?"

"I'm, I'm Fluttershy," the pony replied, "I found you early this morning next to my chicken coop. You took quite a fall."

"I think it's more than just a fall," he rubbed his head, "Where am I?"

"Why, you're at my house," she replied, gaining a little confidence, "I've never seen an animal like you before."

"Yeah, I've heard that one a million times, wait…" he thought for a moment as Fluttershy brought a cup of tea to the nightstand, "Animal…You're the yellow pony…and I'm…" he ran over to a mirror and saw himself mugging back, "I'm me." He turned back to Fluttershy, "I'm not in Billings anymore, am I?"

"Billings?" she giggled, "Where's Billings?"

"Well, it's a city in Montana and…hey, I'm asking the questions here! Where am I?"

"You're in Ponyville, you sure are anxious, how about you have a seat and have some herbal tea?"

"Ponyville?" He paced around the room, "I guess that makes sense if they're ponies…wait a second here," Running to the door, he opened it wide to view the wonderful world of Equestria, "Where am I?" he cried as he fell to his knees, "Where am I?"

"You're in Ponyville, I told you that," Fluttershy trotted up to him and put her hoof on his shoulder, "Come back in, you're still not well."

"But, but my records," he softly protested, "My TV, my Mets!"

Fluttershy brought Fitz to her couch where he sat and graciously accepted her herbal tea. "Now," she said, with her sweet voice, "Tell me about yourself. What are your 'Mets?'"

"My Mets," he sipped the tea, "They're a professional baseball team out of New York. I watch 'em every Friday night, like last night."

"Baseball? New York?"

"You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?"

She shook her head, with a smile.

"Shit."

"What's your name, if I may ask."

"It's Fitzgerald. But my pals call me Fitz."

"That's an awfully nice name."

"Are you always this kind?"

"That's how I'm written."

"That makes sense," he sipped the tea more, "What'd you say this kind of tea is?"

"Herbal. A special blend that I make for healing sick animals like yourself."

"Certainly not the kind of herb that I'd like now," He sat up, "You refer to me as an 'animal.' What I really am is a human."

"A, human?"

"Yeah, you know, car driving, beer drinking, war starting human. You've never heard of a human?"

"Can't say that I have. But I think I know who has."

"You, you do?"

"Yes. Wait right here," she pulled a blanket over him, "I'll bring her right over."

"Her?" Before Fitz could ask anymore, Fluttershy was out the door and off. He leaned back in his chair and admired the pastel-colored world. It was certainly different than Montana. But one problem was, Fitz forgot to pay his cable bill before he conked out and awoke in a different world. What happened to me when I fell asleep? He asked himself, Did I fall through a wormhole? Another dimension that's cartoon-y? Sipping more tea, he figured that it would take more than constant questioning to figure out his dilemma. He had to cover for a coworker that day, and he knew that when—if ever—he got back, his manager would give him the run-around.

Soon enough another pony burst through the door. This one was purple, with a black mane, and various books stuffed in her saddle bags. "Oh my!" she said to Fluttershy, "I've never seen one live!"

"Hey! Now what do you mean by that?" Fitz replied.

The purple pony rushed up to him and began examining him, "Fascinating!"

"Hey, Shutter-fly," he pointed to Fluttershy, "What's going on with your purple friend?"

"My name is Twilight Sparkle, and Fluttershy brought me over to see what she found, you."

"Oh. I think I knew a stripper with that name."

"What's that?" Fluttershy asked.

"Forget it."

Twilight moved away from Fitz and reached into her bags, pulling out a book with her magic Unicorn horn, "Look at this," she motioned to Fluttershy, "He's an awful odd specimen for a human."

"I heard that! Would someone clue me in on what's going on here?" He got up and motioned towards the two.

"You're one of the first humans to ever come to Equestria!" Twilight gasped.

"Oh! And I found him!" Fluttershy raced to Fitz's side, "Can I keep him?"

"Keep me? What's Equestria?"

"Equestria is the land of the ponies! You're in the bustling community of Ponyville, under the best animal care in all the land."

"You guys are the animals! What's next, an entire land of penguins?" He paced the room again, "They didn't teach us this shit in school! How can you get me back home?"

"Home? Hah!" Twilight laughed as she flipped through her book, "The last human to appear in Equestria stayed until his death."

"Death? You mean I'm here forever?"

"Technically, yes."

"Oh man, oh God, oh man!" he looked around the room, "Oh God! Oh man! Oh God! Oh man!"

"Calm down!" Fluttershy restrained him, "It's alright, I'll take good care of you!"

"It doesn't matter! I've got a test in three weeks, and my manager! Oh! My manager will kill me if I don't cover for Jerry today!"

"Sit down!" Twilight cast a sitting spell on Fitz before he could panic any more, "Now look," she stood over him, "You don't have to be Fluttershy's pet. But we have no way of getting you back to your world. I'm sorry, but I guess you'll have to do the best here."

"You mean…no more work?"

"I'm sure we could find you a job around Ponyville, but no, not the job you have."

Fitz began with a giggle, then broke out into a roar of laughter, "No more work! Hah!" His joy grew so great that it broke the sitting spell. Dancing with Fluttershy, he cheered, "They can't tell me to stock up lightbulbs anymore!"

"At least he's happy!" Fluttershy muttered to Twilight.

"For now," she said, packing her books, "I think you should take a walk with us, Mister…"

"Uh, Fitzgerald Schlitz, but my friends call me Fitz."

The three walked around Ponyville for a bit, to the amazement of all the other ponies. "You should know you're new home better Fitz," Twilight said, "You're going to have to get used to Ponyville."

"Hell, I can get used to no work," he replied, "Say, I'm a little hungry, want to get something to eat?"

"That sounds like a wonderful idea!" Fluttershy said, "What would you like to have Fitz?"

"I'd like some eggs, honestly."

"Eggs?" Fluttershy looked at Twilight, "You, eat eggs?"

"Yeah, don't…oh, yeah. You two are herbivores aren't you?"

"We are. I know where we can get a wonderful dandelion sandwich though."

"Shit." The three went to a local delicatessen and had a late breakfast. To Fitz's disappointment, not even a slab of ham could be found.

"I think we should introduce Fitz to our friends this afternoon!" Fluttershy told Twilight, "He'd make a great addition to our group."

"Do you think they'd like him?"

"Oh I'm sure they would," She leaned up on Fitz, "Would you like to meet our friends too?"

"I guess," he said, looking at his salad with a hint of sadness, "I might as well get used to this joint. But God almighty, I miss my eggs."

The three went over to the park where the other ponies were hanging out. "Hey everypony, meet our new friend, Fitz!" Fluttershy said.

"He's a human being! One of the first in Equestria!" Twilight replied.

The four other ponies came up to inspect him, "What an odd piece of work," an orange one with a blonde mane said, "He can't carry anything on his back, and his legs are really weak."

"Hey! I've been working on sculpting these legs!" Fitz defended.

A blue flying one with a rainbow mane gazed on him close above, "He's a funny looking thing, isn't he?" she laughed, "Hey Mr. Human, can you do any tricks?" she tipped his Mets hat forward.

"Don't do that!"

A white one with a purple mane inspected his clothes, "A male human wearing a dress? So bold!"

"It's a kilt!"

A pink one bounced up to his face, "Hey you! Do you like parties?"

"I…I" he backed away from her, "I do, actually."

"We should throw the weirdo a party!"

"Yeah, lets…weirdo? Hold on," he stepped back further to look at the four ponies, "You guys haven't even introduced yourselves."

"Oh! Pardon us for being so rude, Mr. Human." The orange one gave a little curtsy, "My name is Apple Jack."

"I could go for some right now."

The blue one flew in the air a bit, showing off, "I'm Rainbow Dash!"

The white one gave a curtsy as well, "I'm Rarity. The most fabulous pony in Ponyville!"

"And I'm Pinkie Pie!" the pink one hopped around.

"Now that we've all met Fitz," Twilight announced, "We need to help him feel at home in Ponyville!" The other ponies cheered.

"Wait…what does that mean?" Fitz asked.