Let The Great Nommings Begin
Disclaimer: This fic will not shy away from death, swearing, very crude humor, and poking fun at the fandom, at the possible expense of hurting your feelings. If you're not comfortable with that I suggest you avoid this story like you would when confronted with the threat of being infected with syphilis. Also I never had a proper english teacher, so expect a lot of grammar and punctuation errors.
Equestria, in spite of its peaceful appearance was notorious for being a breeding ground for malevolent villains of the highest degree. Ranging from a childish deity with the ability to warp time and space, to a slave driving tyrant. The inhabitants of this colorful hell had thought they seen the worst the world could offer.
They were wrong.
"Manticores!" A powerful voice roared, demanding the attention of every feline-arachnid-bat abomination present. With a massively muscled upper body, a laughably small head, and a plaited mane: general Lion-Bat-Spider's mere presence providing a testosterone boost equal to that one would gain when watching an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie. Standing atop a rock that looked suspiciously similar to the one in the lion king; the manticore pointed his weapon-a bar of soap in a sock-at a glowing blue portal barely fifty feet away from him. "Monsters from worlds unknown approach our lands!" his army gasped dramatically-with the exception of one bucked toothed individual who simply sighed in annoyance, under the impression that his ex wives had banded together to collect child maternity from him. "They come here to burn our wives and rape our homes!" the grizzled warrior growled, his mighty paw balled up in anger. He then waited patiently for his troops anxious chattering to subside before continuing. "I am of course speaking of da humans!"
"Da humans?" his army made a second collective gasp of fright-with the exception of the bucked toothed manticore, who merely loaded a doubled barreled shotgun, grumbling about how much he hated the "dirty monkeys".
"Yes my brave soldiers I am afraid that the fingered freaks once again threaten to destroy everything we know and love!" he said gravely, a single manly tear trickling down his scarred face. "But we must face them! For they wish to corrupt the very heart and soul of this world!"
"And what would that be, general Lion-Bat-Spider?" the legion of manticores asked in unison.
The general allowed a moment of silence to pass before answering their question. "The lady Fluttershy!" he finally howled, biceps twitching in righteous indignation.
His army once again gasps in unison-with the exception of the buck toothed manticore, who once again loaded another gun-a rifle this time-all the while muttering about how the "monkeys were trying to steal his job."
"The lady Fluttershy?" they ask, horrified.
"Yes!" Lion-Bat-Spider confirmed with a single grim nod of his furry head.
"They dare?"
"They do indeed!" Lion-Bat-Spider grunted. "But will we allow them?"
"No!"
"No, is right!" he agreed. "And what-"
Suddenly the portal emitted an ominous buzzing noise, cutting of the general mid sentence. The spacial anomaly was blinking violently; bright blue sparks shooting out of its maw, as if it were the mouth of a waking dragon. A tense silence filled the manticores ranks. As they awaited for their grotesque enemies to storm through the magical gate, some of the more religious manticores prayed to their god-a spiky pink yarn ball with googly eyes- while those who had forsaken the holy fibers, did their best to make peace with themselves.
The buck toothed manticore not being into that sort of sentimental crap, instead decided to shoot the damned thing. A pained yelped followed, and the bloodied body of a golden retriever pump rolled out the rift in a most undignified manner.
"Whoops!" the manticore redneck chuckled darkly, whilst his more squeamish, and less redneck companions screamed at the sight of a slaughtered puppy.
But general Lion-Bat-Spider, being the incredibly masculine feline-arachnid-bat thing he was: was not all effected by the canines death. "Manticores, do not be deceived by the bloodied fluffiness before you!" he warned. "Underneath that adorable butchered puppy's skin, the body of a thirty year old creeps resides!" as if on cue, the dead dogs body spasmed wildly; and somehow a much larger human male emerged from the animals corpse.
"I just wanted to go to Equestria!" he groaned, spitting up blood.
"Yeah? Well its back the way you came!" another blast of the shot gun and the human was dead. "Whelp," said the buck toothed manticore. "looks like violence once again saves the day!"
Fate proved that statement horrendously wrong when a massive horde of shouting eager bronies came streaming out of the portal.
"Well shit!"
"Manticores, prepare for battle!" general Lion-Bat-Spider roared, barely heard over the ear shattering fan boy squeals. Twirling his deadly soap filled sock, the brave manticore charged into the enemies lines, followed by his army who carries a varied assortment of weaponry, ranging from baseball bats to grenade launchers.
"Yay! Now I can finally comb Fluttershy's mane!" a thin bespectacled nerd cheered.
"Not so fast, fiend!" Lion-Bat-Spider screamed, socking(Get it? Socking) the pony lover in the face.
"Ow!" he cried, clutching his nose. "That hurt!"
"That's the idea, dipshit!"
Halfway across the battlefield, the buck toothed manticore confronted a group of equal fruity men"Are you fellers pencils?" he asked them, grinning wickedly. They shook their heads. "Well that's funny, cause you boys are about to be filled with led!" he then gunned them down.
While one would expect an army of man-bat-fucking-whatever-things would easily decimate a group of unarmed humans, the equine enthusiast had a secret weapon at their disposal that kept the battle from being too one-sided. Waddling on stubby legs that could barely support their massive girth, hideous monstrosities wrecked havoc on the manticore lines.
"Cloppers!" a manticore shrieked in fear, as the the grotesque creatures charged towards them.
"Watch out, he's going to blow!" another shouted. A nasty wet pulping sound ensued; bringing about a series of pained screams.
"His spooge! It burns!"
"Medic!"
"Goodbye, cruel world!"
"Damn! This stuff doesn't taste half bad! What is it?"
Things only became worse for the manticores when another portal opened up from the ground. As if hell itself wished for the bronies success; armored super soldiers from the future and blond viking-like warriors bellowing in a foreign language joined the fray.
"Dovahkiins and Master Chiefs?" a manticore gaped in disbelief. "Nobody said anything about crossover characters!"
No match for futuristic gun fire, fus-roh-dahs, and sticky human fluids that should not be spoken of outside of health class; the manticore army routed, ignoring their commanders orders to continue fighting.
Above them all, Discord huffed in annoyance. Sitting in a floating candy cane throne the spirit of chaos scowled as humans once again invaded Equestria. He had a feeling his manticore border patrol would fail, but he nevertheless was severely disappointed that they had failed to repel these pesky creatures. He had once found them to be amusing. Their destructive shenanigans putting a smile on his crooked face. But as much chaos as they reaped, he soon grew bored of them. Tired of witnessing them wreck the same kind of havoc over and over again.
He could have easily turned them all into breadcrumbs, and dump them into a bird house, but due to his pact with Celestia, he could not directly effect any creature with his magic without Celestia's or Luna's permission; no matter how infuriating they were.
"Maybe I should hire professionals," Discord sighed, rubbing his forehead exasperatedly.
Elsewhere...
In a dimension far, far away, there lies a world not too dissimilar to our own. A world with vast deserts and oceans. A world of adventure. A world where brave men and woman did battle with ferocious monsters, aided by nothing but their skill and wit. A world where an unfortunate hunters nearly gets beaten to death by those ferocious monsters, every other week. A world where useless masked minions known as: Shakalakas, watched that unfortunate hunters getting mauled by those ferocious monsters, while they twiddled their thumbs, like the little jackasses they were. A world where these aggravating things talked down to the hunter that had made the poor decision to save them like a slave. A world where that hunter had to put up with that crap, otherwise he'd be competently devoid of help because everyone else was an incompetent boob.
Okay, maybe this world wasn't that similar to earth. But that wasn't the point of introducing it in the first place, anyway.
Standing on a sandy beach, a frightening monster...stood.
Armed with a powerful set jaws, acidic saliva, a mysterious corrosive breath attack, an enormous spiked tail, insatiable hunger, and a habit of popping out nowhere; deviljhos where the stuff of nightmares. This particular individual was even more frightening than the regular deviljho. Towering over his kin, he was aptly nicknamed "World Eater".
He, however was not too fond of the nickname. Believing that it made him sound fat, which he certainty was not! You see not only was he exceptionally big; but also exceptionally bright (and a tad bit self conscious). To the point where he was able fish out an MacBook Pro from between two of of his jagged fangs. Impossibly, he gently set the hardware to the floor, turned it on, and entered a skype chat room.
"Alright you blokes, you ready for the upcoming fight?" he typed.
"Yes".
"Yup."
"Affirmative."
"YEAH!"
"Brock, haven't I told you already to stop capitalizing every letter in your damn sentences?"
"YEAH."
"Then why the bloody hell are you still doing it?"
"MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS JAMMED!"
"...God dammit Brock."
"WHAT?! YOU TRY PRESSING THESE BUTTONS WHEN YOU GOT CLUBS FOR HANDS!"
"You shouldn't be complaining. Me arms and hands are barely bigger than me bloody eyes!
"Same here."
"Comrade Brock, my hands are covered in lava and I can still type perfectly fine."
I'm on my fucking period everyday, and I can do it!
"Yes Diana. We know. We bloody well know."
"Go fuck yourself, Joe!"
"...God damn it. Let's just get this show on the road!"
Joe the deviljho sighed in annoyance. Communication to his aggravating allies no longer necessary, the massive saurian devoured the ridiculously small laptop he had been using.
'Happy thoughts Joe, happy thoughts,' the World Eater thought to himself. As much as the constantly hungry brute wyvern wanted to snap their necks and dine on their flesh flesh, he did not spend two years gaining their allegiance just so he could eat them. That comes later.
His blood pressure no longer on the verge of spiking on life-threatening levels, Joe whistled.
The seemingly insignificant action brought forth monster made hurricanes and earthquakes. Hundreds, if not thousands of monsters running, digging, flying, or swimming to him. Jaggis, gendromes, rathians, nargacugas, zinogres, plesioths, practically every specimen of monster known heeding his call.
'And mum said I wouldn't get anywhere in life,' Joe grinned smugly, licking his salivating maw at the memory of his sweet old mother. But enough of the past. It was time to tend to the future.
"Alwight you lot, you ready for the end of 'umanity?" in response to his inquiry, the rabble of monsters cheered.
Joe nodded at their enthusiasm in approval. "Wight, we'll get to assaulting the fowtwess over thewe," Joe said, indicating to a large walled up city. "once Anton gives the the signal." A long beam of fire shot into the sky soon afterwards.
'And there it is.'
"Lets get going then!" he barked, taking a ground shaking step forward.
"Wait!" a voice called out.
Joe turned to glare at the one who had made the outburst. "Whats your problem?" he asked, impatiently.
"Aren't you supposed to give us a speech?"
Joe's face scrunched up in puzzlement "A what'?"
"A speech," the speaker continued. "you know to inspire us?"
'Fuck.'
"Uh, lets go and kill 'umans cause...." Joe droned out, unskilled at delivering pep talks on the fly, or just speaking in general. "Cause they...steal ouw food, and cut off ouw tails, and 'it us with swowds they made with ouw tails, and...they do a bunch of other things we don't like?"
He could practically hear crickets as his pack listened to his underwhelming speech.
"Oh, for fuck's sake! Kill them, or i'll friggin eat you!" he finally roared.
Joe snorted irritably as he watched his threat work its magic.
'I hate politics,'
Back in Equestria, Discord felt the same sentiment as he held a conference with Twilight in her library.
"Discord," Twilight said, for once sympathetic towards the draconequus's plight. "I understand your concerns about these... humans," Twilight spat out the last word with much disdain. "but until they become a serious menace to society, you have no jurisdiction to remove them."
Upstairs there was suddenly a loud raucous. Spike came running downstairs screaming in mindless fear, as a tall bearded man chased after him, iron sword swinging.
"Twilight!" he hollered. "Another Scandinavian guy is trying to kill me!"
"I will devour your soul!" the man yelled.
Twilight stared at the scene in mild annoyance. The once alarming situation of something trying to kill her assistant, having long become an unwelcome routine. "You can get rid of that one." she told Discord.
Discord gleefully snapped his talons, turning the dragonborn into a ruby.
Spike immediately pounced on top of the gem. "Revenge, biotch!" he hissed, tearing into it like a rabid dog.
"VICTORY!" a brachydios rumbled, beating its chest amidst a ruined city. It knocked itself over, as its explosive mucus detonated.
"Bwock, why are you shouting?"
"CAP LOCKS KEY STILL JAMMED!" the injured brachydios, said from the ground.
"That don't make a lick of sense!" Joe said, testily.
"Who cares!" a tigrex cut in. "We won!"
"Comrade Tex is correct," an agnaktor agreed. "Vi should not be quarreling amongst our selves at this moment. Vi should be celebrating!"
"Yeah Joe," said a black diablos. "lighten up!"
'I really don't want to hear that from you Dianna,' thought Joe, but kept his mouth shut. Too tired, and too full of ballista bolts to argue with anyone.
"I still can't believe that went as well as it did!" Tex remarked, cheerfully. "Who would have thought raising an army of monsters would actually work!"
'Anyone with a half brain, you fucking moron!' Joe too was surprised that his strategy was executed without hitch; half expecting it to fall apart from the sheer idiocy of his followers. Disturbingly, Tex and Brock were actually two of the more intelligent fighters he had recruited.
"Alwight! We'll squat here for a couples day and then its back to business."
"Whoa, whoa!" Tex huffed, wings raised. "We just killed like eight trillion humans! Can't we call it a day, and get rid of the next city like next year?"
Joe shook his head. "You can't get rid of 'umans with a 'alf-assed effowt," Tex stared back at him blankly. "You gotta tweat them like snakebees. Snuff out the whole nest. Otherwise they'll just spread again."
"Well said!" an unfamiliar voice chimed in. Instinctively the monsters snarled threateningly, ready to utterly destroy the offender that was dumb enough to have disturbed them.
However their uninvited guest did not suffer from a lack of intelligence. In fact one could even claim that he possessed an unrivaled cunning, if he were to cast away his childish behavior. No, what beckoned this stranger to appear before the coalition of behemoths was a combination of blood boiling frustration and unfiltered insanity.
Appearing before them in a tub of salsa that had mysteriously warped itself in existence; Discord arrived in the land of monsters.
" An nyoung ha seh yo!" he greeted, them.
