Rainbow Dash analyzes The Bible

by Enigma Machine

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 4305

What is it with Religion? Rainbow Dash gets a Bible and decides to analyze it to the core to see how much there is about this subject. The result is clear.

What is it with Religion? Rainbow Dash gets a Bible and decides to analyze it to the core to see how much there is about this subject. The result is clear.

Disclaimer: Trollfic

Inspired by German YouTuber 'JuliensBlog'.

Published 2013-06-16 18:30:03 UTC
Last updated 2015-09-09 00:21:58 UTC

The Creation Story

Rainbow Dash turns on her camera and sits down on the couch.

"What's up, champs?

Many of you don't seem to like that I like getting trolled by retards who obviously aren't serious at all. So I will now get myself trolled by retards who are very serious.

I will start to analyze the Bible from now on. For that I've already ordered one copy and what is the first thing anyone with a healthy brain should do when he or she picks up a bible?"

Rainbow Dash ignites a lighter and moves the flame towards the book. She immediately puts it out and says in an exaggerated tone:

"Oh no, that is something I would never do! *cough cough*

By the way, I never had religion class, am not baptized or confirmed, and by general means don't have any idea what I'm about to read. But let's dive completely unprejudiced into this holy book of filly molesters."

She opens the book to the first page of the creation story.

"...For which I actually payed 20 bits for! Come on, does it really cost 20 bits to create this book? One could assume that there are ponies out there who want to profit of the word 'God', or maybe yes?

If you take the production, the materials, the print, and the distributing into consideration, I can't really believe that this extravagant toilet paper is worth more than three or four bits. But that's okay of course. I am ABSOLUTELY certain that the money will find EXCLUSIVELY positive usage."

She turns back to the book for a second but looks up again.

"Oh yeah, did you know that the Bible is with two billion sold copies the most sold book in history? So if there's someone with a clue for merchandise out there, it's the church."

There was another short pause.

"Wait, I've just remembered... Aww crap, I really have to read this now, do I?"

"In the beginning God created the heavens and Equestria."

"Hooold on, in the beginning he created heavens and Equestria, but where did he put that if there wasn't anything else yet? Shouldn't there be some kind of 'universe' first?

And who or what is supposed to be this 'God'? In normal stories the protagonist is at least introduced somehow, but here we have to just accept the fact that there's some dude called 'God' coming along who 'creates' something.

Well okay, guess that's not too important...

"And Equestria was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters."

Ahhh okay, so we already had water so you can fly over it. Nice. But what exactly now is the difference between 'God' and the 'Spirit of God'? Those are the first two pages of this gammon and I think that's a little bit cryptic.

"And God said..."

Oh look, now it's 'God' again and not the 'Spirit of God'. That dude is only used so he can fly over the water like a boss.

"And God said, “Let there be light,” and there was light. And God saw that the light was good."

So he said 'let there be light', and I guess he created the sun by that. Gangster shit.

But let's focus on something else: "And God said, and God saw, and God here and there and everywhere." And, and, and. The most used word so far is 'and'. Was this book written by some filly who was beaten up on the schoolyard?

"... and, and, and, and then he hit meeee!!! And, and, and, and, and they took my lunch!!! And, and, and, and they did not help me!!! UWAAAAAAAHH!!!"

Am I the only one to see some minor connections here?

"And then God separated the light from the darkness, and God called the light “day,” and the darkness he called “night." Yeah.

So he made it so there were different daytimes. Respect and praise, dude.

Okay, now comes something I found very confusing at first. Or better said, I simply did not want it to be true.

"And God said, “Let there be a vault between the waters to separate water from water.” So God made the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above it. And it was so. And God called the vault “sky”."

Okay, let's try to clarify this. God created the vault and separated the water under the vault from the water above the vault.

We have Equestria here. There's water on it. That is the water under the vault. Then comes the vault, and on top of it is another layer of water God separated from the planet.

You get this?? The face cloth who wrote this actually thought the universe was made of water, and our planet had some sort of 'glass protection' around it, the vault, which keeps the water away. And God called this vault 'sky'.

That is by far... Yeah, really by far the dumbest thing I've ever read. That is perhaps on the same level of 'The world is flat' or something.

I guess those guys were like: *Points up* Blue! *Points down* Blue! *Points up* Water! Ahaaa! *Points up* God! Vault! *Points to self* Retarded!

"And God said, “Let the water under the sky be gathered to one place, and let dry ground appear.” And it was so. And God called the dry ground “land,” and the gathered waters he called “seas.” And God saw that it was good."

... So... We have... Waterworld. With Kevin Costner.

Then the water has to gather at certain locations and the dry lands should be made visible. How exactly is this supposed to work? Where is the water supposed to go that covers the entire world? Did he pull a colossal plug so it can evaporate? Or did the holy Spirit of God take a giant straw and drank it all away as he was hovering over it?

But why didn't he just take less water from the beginning? Did God miscalculate?

"And God said, “Let there be lights in the vault of the sky to separate the day from the night, and let them serve as signs to mark sacred times, and days and years, and let them be lights in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth.” And it was so. And God made two great lights—the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars. And God set them in the vault of the sky to give light on the earth, to govern the day and the night, and to separate light from darkness. And God saw that it was good."

Ah okay, so 'Let there be light' wasn't actually the sun, but only his Zippo or something. Cool story bro.

But why did he even make day and night a second time? Was his first day and night not 'fresh' enough yet and so he made 'Day and Night - Reloaded'? 'Day and Night 2.0 - Now with extra deluxe lights'?

It was said in the beginning that God separated the light from the darkness and called the light 'day' and the darkness 'night'. And then that there would be lights in the vault to separate day and night. So he already made day and night but created the transition between day and night later?

Did the author of this text really think that those lights in the vault don't actually have anything to do with the actual brightness and are only there for decoration? But I mean, as today we've also learned that there's a giant paddling pool covered by a gigantic glass bulb in the universe, I doubt there's anything that's not possible!

"Then God said, “Let us make ponies in our image, in our likeness"."

Who is 'us' now? He and his spirit? Some other gods? His wasted homies cheering to him from the side? "God! God! God! Ey yo, how 'bout you make ponies, yo! In our likeness and stuff, biatch!"

"So God created ponies in his own image, in the image of God he created them; stallion and mare he created them. And God blessed them and said to them, “Be fruitful and increase in number"."

Okay, let's try to understand this. Equestria is according to today's scientific research about 4.5 billions years old, and was according to this book only created a few days before ponies, so ponies are apparently also 4.5 billion years old. So we survived both the dinosaurs and the ice age.

Now that's some amazing stuff right there! I always thought there was this little thing called 'evolution'. How silly of me!

But okay, that was the first chapter of the Bible. What can I say now?"

Rainbow Dash looks at the lighter.

"Oh noo! Hehe.

In the next episode, provided religious fundamentalists didn't burn me to death on the pyre by then, you will see 'The Paradise'. Yeah."

She moves towards the camera and turns it off.

Author's Note

This is for comedic purposes only. I'm Christian myself, but that doesn't stop me from making fun of my holy book. :P

Please don't take anything personal! I'm not judging any religious people.

A first timer's story. I'm open to any sort of criticism and language corrections!

The Paradise

Rainbow Dash enters the room and looks at the Bible still laying on her couch. With a silent sigh she turns her camera on again and sits down.

"Welcome, my dear believing sisters and brothers.

Surprisingly, I haven't been nailed to the cross yet and the second episode of my Bible analysis is on schedule. Everypony says I'm intolerant against religion, but the truth is that the people who think I'm intolerant simply are intolerant against my intolerance.

Many say the Bible can't be interpreted literally and is only filled with 'symbols and metaphors', or that the seven days in which Equestria was created weren't done in our today's time definitions and calculations. You know what those counter arguments are?

Excuses. Those are simple and normal excuses.

If the bible was written today then all the logical flaws I was questioning in the last episode wouldn't have existed. You know why? Because then you couldn't disprove it. Back then you couldn't disprove the Bible either, and everypony thought that this would never happen. Who would've guessed that one day we will make it through the vault?

And now that we can disprove the Bible, everything suddenly is just metaphors and symbols. How convenient!

The truth is: The Bible is bullshit. But the church can't say it's bullshit, because that would ultimately mean that religion is bullshit! And that's why it's suddenly all just symbols and not meant literally. But when this was written, it was meant literally.

They could've also said that 'a pink Celestia on a sparkling comet shat everypony out'. As soon as someone comes along and disproves this, it suddenly becomes a metaphor. "The world of shit we live in is painted pink due to the sins we've committed, the comet represents the essence of our lives, and the horn is the sword of salvation we find in our believe."

You see? You can deform everything to your needs to sell people bullshit. And this, my dear friends, is bullshit in its purest form. And that's why I interpret the Bible exactly how it was meant: literally.

"This is the account of the heavens and Equestria when they were created, when the Lord God made Equestria and the heavens. Now no shrub had yet appeared on Equestria and no plant had yet sprung up, for the Lord God had not sent rain on Equestria and there was nopony to work the ground, but streams came up from Equestria and watered the whole surface of the ground."

I still don't get how this entire thing with 'the vault' works up there. Is there some sort of mechanism or a switch that makes the vault permeable to water, and then gets waterproof towards that 'ocean' we have up there in space again, so it only rains in stages?

"Then the Lord God..."

Why does it always say 'Lord God'? Isn't 'God' enough? No, it always has to be 'Lord God', as if you could confuse him with 'Lady God' or 'Lord Dick Without Foreskin'. I could bet this book would be a hundred pages shorter if it didn't always say 'Lord God'.

"Then the Lord God had planted a garden in the east, in Eden; and there he put the pony he had formed. In the middle of the garden were the tree of life and the tree of the knowledge of good and evil."

If God is such an amazing dude, why the hell does he need a gardener? How about making a garden that doesn't need any work? He threw together the entire fucking planet in like 5 minutes but needs a pony to mow his damned lawn? Seriously?

"And the Lord God commanded the pony, “You are free to eat from any tree in the garden; but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat from it you will certainly die.”"

First off, why does he put a tree there our pony friend may not eat from? Where is the logic in here? He threw this planet together in a few minutes, so why can't he quickly assemble a new one and put the tree of the knowledge on that one, so nopony will die a painful death?

Second of all, how is a pony that only lived for about half a minute supposed to understand what eating or even dying is? How is he supposed to understand what this God dude wants from him? He may be a full grown stallion but is mentally a new born. I can imagine him laying on the ground like some disabled retard.

You know how to calculate the IQ? You take the mental age and divide it by the calendar age multiplied by one hundred. The mental age of this pony equals zero. His age is around, let's say 20. That means his IQ is zero as well.

For a comparison, a pony with down syndrome has an IQ of about 50. So that means, according to the Bible, the very first pony was an absolute prime example of a 24-carat idiot.

"Now the Lord God had formed out of the ground all the wild animals and all the birds in the sky. He brought them to the pony to see what he would name them; and whatever the pony called each living creature, that was its name."

So our... 'special somepony' here who couldn't talk, eat, or even wipe his own ass is now given the task to give every animal in Equestria a name. Damn, I wish I could've seen that.

"*Points to the left* Huwfwaharwahfafah... *Points to the right* Huwahhaaghtrahjah... *Points upwards* HUUUWUUUUHH!!!"

"And the Lord God caused the pony to fall into a deep sleep; and while he was sleeping, he took one of the pony's ribs and then closed up the place with flesh. Then the Lord God made a mare from the rib he had taken out of the stallion, and he brought her to the stallion."

He creates every single damned animal and even our special case here out of earth, but to create a mare he has to rip out a fucking rib? And how are you even supposed to create an entire pony from a single rib, which in turn has another full set of ribs? It'sa kinda magic...

"And Lord God gave the pony a wand and sent him to Platform 9 3/4. From there he traveled to the Hogwarts school for witchcraft and magic, won the Quidditch tournament, and got 100 points for Gryffindor."

That was the second chapter of the Bible. Next time: The Fall."

For a second Rainbow Dash thinks about knocking down her camera with the Bible, but quickly realizes that not even a camera deserves such a terrible fate. She moves over and turns it off, gently.

Author's Note

I figured I could at least continue this to the points I've imagined anyway, meaning there will be one more chapter and then I'll put closure on this thing. Didn't really think there would be anyone out there to like this, but that's how wrong someone could be.

Once again, this is for comedic purposes only! And I'm open to any kind of feedback, positive or negative.

The Fall

Maybe I should drink some cider first. I don't know if I can endure this torture much longer, Rainbow Dash says to herself before turning her camera on and sitting down on her couch for a final time.

"Hey there! Time for another Bible analysis.

Spoiler alert: Prepare to drown in pure stupidity again. I mean, that's what the authors of this book have been doing for the past centuries: They whip their dicks out and jerk off stupidity all over your faces, and 90% of all ponies are swallowing it. Mmmh, yummy!

But you know what I find even more entertaining? That all those God-fearing believers are threatening with violence. Looks I over read the part that says "Thou shalt punch thy neighbor, call him a son of a bitch, and tell him you fucked his mother".

But now let's get back to this ancient toilet paper.

"Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the mare:"

'The serpent was talking to the mare'... This is just a wild guess, but did this guy by any chances also write the script for Dr. Dolittle?

"“Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

The mare said to the serpent, “We may eat fruit from the trees in the garden, but God did say, ‘You must not eat fruit from the tree that is in the middle of the garden, and you must not touch it, or you will die.’”"

..."

Rainbow Dash repetitively slaps the book on her forehead.

"I don't even have to comment this, do I? What could I possibly think of to top this bullshit? A snake and a mare doing... small talk? I mean, was the first mare ever really Fluttershy's ancestor?

Oh wait! Aww damn, I forgot, this is all just metaphors and isn't meant literally! Perhaps the snake was the... uhm, penis of the stallion, and the mare just gave out a really good BJ. And then her throat was so dry that she had to moisten it with 'fruits' again. And the snake wasn't even talking, but much rather... spitting. *Pffzz pffzz pffzz*

"“You will not certainly die,” the stallion's penis said to the mare. “For God knows that when you eat from it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.

Bla, bla, bla.”"

Let's try to shorten this a bit: The mare eats the forbidden fruit and gives the stallion some of it as well. Then they suddenly realize they are naked and feel 'ashamed'. Then God comes along and is like 'Waddup yo!".

Anyway, he's completely pissed off then because they were eating from 'his tree', so what does this bastard do then? The snake gets punished and must forever crawl on its belly, the mare should as painfully as possible throw her fillies, and the stallion gets the worst possible head-fuck with his farmland.

"After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side of the Garden of Eden chem- chem-brum-bim, che-, chero-...... Chernobyl fillies and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life."

Okay let's get serious here for a second: What kind of asshole is God?? First he plants this completely pointless tree there, then he lied because the two ponies didn't actually die, then he punishes the entire existence of all ponies and snakes to come because of a teeny-tiny mistake of three individuals, then he throws them out and lets the garden be protected by doorkeepers with flaming swords?

Damn, that dude has some hardcore inferiority complexes.

If God is supposed to be such an almighty and all-knowing cleaning rag, why does he punish all ponies for all eternity, even though there is absolutely no one after that responsible for any of this? He behaves like a baby foal whose lollipop was taken away.

"Uwaaahhh!!! They ate from my tree!!! Uwaaaaaaaahhhh!!!"

Do you really think some little sissy like that created ponykind and Equestria? Well, I definitely don't.

And this is where I'm getting out. I'm done with this brain torture. Now where is my lighter?"

Author's Note

And this is also where I get out as well. I'm still open to any sort of criticism, but I won't continue this story.

The Fratricide of Cain

Rainbow Dash wipes the old dust from her camera, sets it on the tripod, and hits the button.

"Urgh, let's get this over with."

Yo, what's up, you labiums?

For some reasons I see many people saying I should bring back the Bible Analysis. I actually discontinued that about, wait no, a little bit more than two years, but... I guess we can try this again.

"The Fratricide of Cain"

Now that sounds like a wonderful title for a horror movie, doesn't it?

"And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived..."

Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived? How the hell're you supposed to imagine that? Does he look around, say, "Ey, you cunt. Are you that Eve girl?" and then she becomes pregnant? What a cunt.

"...and she conceived and bare Cain and said..."

Funny how they believed in every pile shit back then, but not the power of the comma. "And and and and..."

"I have gotten a man from the LORD."

Uh-huh, from "the LORD". I'd rather say, from cum out of Adam's ballsack.

But okay, okay, don't worry. It was the lord. The lord adam. And the cum. From his ballsack.

"And she again bare his brother Abel."

Cum. From Adam's ballsack.

"And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground."

And I'm the fucking ruler of the universe.

"And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD."

I don't get that. Why should the lord get some random fruits as offering? I thought he was "the LORD". He can pull literally anything out of his butthole.

"And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof."

I'm pretty sure the lord can also pull sheep out of his butthole without a sweat. He could pull anything out of his butthole. He could even pull out a fucking gigantic cruise ship out of his butthole. He's "the LORD".

"And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering: But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell."

For once, actually something that makes sense.

"And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? And why is thy countenance fallen? Thou son of a bitch."

For being an omniscient motherfucker and for being able to pull a fucking cruise ship out of his butthole, the lord... is a rather comedically retarded idiot, the bastard.

"If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted?"

...I don't get it.

"And if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door, thou son of a bitch. And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him."

Why doesn't Cain say now, "Ey yo, you celebrate the offering of my bro sooo hard, but you don't celebrate my one at all? What the hell is wrong with you? You son of another god."

"And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him."

Adam and Eve were the first two ponies on the planet. Apparently. So Cain must've been the first baby on the planet. Apparently. And apparenlty also the first gruesome psychopath, who actually killed his own brother. Because of a fallen countenance.

Awesome. This is getting better by the minute.

"And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother, thou son of a bitch? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper? And the LORD said, What hast thou done, thou son of a bitch? The voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground. And now art thou cursed from the earth, thou bastard, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand. Cunt."

This is all boring as fuck, so I figured I'd add a few curses to make it more entertaining. But I think I should just jump to the end.

"And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden."

...

And if they didn't die, they still molest little children to this day.

Rainbow Dash shakes her head, and throws the book away.

"That's it for this time. You can buy my shirts at Rarity's boutique. Best quality, made from 100% fallen countenance towards 'the LORD'!"

Author's Note

Before you ask: ridiculous boredom.