Dear Applejack

Applejack once again set the hat on its hook, observing through pools of lurid green the old, dirt stained and time weathered, brown hat. Her father’s hat. A half smile drew across her muzzle, thanks pa. She pushed open the door, stepping inside as the room creaked. And on her bed, what she feared and anticipated the most, another letter. Before approaching, she tossed a hopeful gaze to her window. The sun’s orange light that seethed through deep green grasses filled her with a sorrow laden ease. A peace that tasted of grief. She opened the letter.

Dear Applejack, my sweet daughter,

You are everything that I never could be, and I love you more than you will ever know. I have a lot to say, and not too much time to say it, as I reckon these will be my last words. It makes me so proud to think that my final moments will be spent addressing you, my darling. So listen up, kiddo.

You and your brother were everything to me. And although I will never see my dear Applebloom grow, or hold her in my hooves again, I know she will be another shining star upon the earth. Your father and I disagreed about your future constantly, but. I think most of the time we were just using that as an excuse to scream at each other. I know now that we were both so, so wrong. It doesn’t matter the slightest grain what you do, dear, as long as you want to do it. If you really want to make me happy, and proud, then do what you enjoy. That is all your father and I ever wanted, for you to enjoy life. I’m sorry that we couldn’t give you that, sugar.

There will be times in your life where you begin to see cracks forming along the edges, as everything goes wrong, and the few things that actually make sense fill you with grief and regret. That is how I lived the last few years, filled with grief and regret. Your pa and I fought every day, from sunrise to midnight. We screamed, and cried, and filled ourselves with spite and hatred that raged like a wildfire. It wasn’t spite for each other, though. We never hated each other, although that was how it appeared. It was spite for ourselves, and indeed, we hated ourselves. I admit that I asked myself, almost everyday, if I still loved your father. More than that, I asked myself if I still loved life. Even now, I’m not too sure that I have an answer to either. The one thing I know for sure is that I love you, my children. You were the only reason, and the only reason I ever needed, to live. But, I never really did live, now did I? I wasted those years in a drunken coma, and now it’s time for me to pay the debt. Each and every year I cursed and cried because things were falling apart, but just now I realized something. I was wrong. I thought that things were falling apart, but this whole time they were falling into place. You and your brother had matured, your sister had been born, and you became ready. The time has finally come for you to move on into marehood, sweetie, and it fills me with joy and pride, two things I haven’t felt in so long. Now, I’ve never really believed in destiny, but I think, that in some way, your father and I are meant to leave this life. Try and see the light in all of it, dear, something I never could do. Letting go of your pa and I is just one of the many sorrows of life that you’ll come to recognize. Don’t you ever linger on that sorrow, sugarcube. It’ll fester and sink into you, it’ll become a part of you. You’ll hate that part of yourself, and eventually, it’ll consume you. That’s what happened to your father and I, but I know you children are too brave and too smart to become what we did. You never realize that you’ve wasted your life until it’s over, trust me.

Now I’ve always been known as a fearless mare, and that’s pretty darn true. But I do share the fear that every sane parent in all of pony history shares, and that’s the fear of losing one’s children. I know, however, that the Apple family is a tough bunch, and you’re a survivor. I know you’ll all take care of each other. But there is another fear that stalks me, and it’s one that I can never be sure of. It’s one that I wish I never had to think about again. I’m afraid that you don’t love me. Don’t feel guilty, dear, I know you love me, it’s just a silly fear. But, AJ, if I could ask you one thing... did I disappoint you? I’ll never hear your answer, but I so desperately hope that I did not. Let’s not stay on the subject, dear, it makes me feel guilty, even though I probably am.

Applejack stopped, breathing. She managed to hold her intense desire to weep at bay, clenching her teeth and keeping herself from blinking her shining emerald eyes. “Of course I love you ma, I love you so much. You never disappointed me once. I love you.” She murmured to herself, every word plunging into her heart with a sorrowful regret. She didn’t know what to do, so she simply continued.

Do you remember when you were younger, how you and I would play in the orchard and I’d teach you how to buck the trees? When you finally knocked your first apple down, your face lit up like a candle, and when you took a bite you said it was the best darn thing you ever tasted. Your brother laughed, and bragged about how he could knock down dozens. So you started training, the competitive little spirit you are. That was one of the greatest days of my life, you know. I would trade away everything I’ve ever wanted if it meant I could spend another day with my family. Maybe I will, further down the road. Life has many surprises, after all. Or death, in this case. And if I don’t ever see you again, well this letter will have to suffice.

I don’t know if we ever told you this, but when your father and I were young, right after we married, we left the Apple Acres to see the world. We went from town to town, ocean to ocean, mountain to mountain. We saw every sight to see, living free on the trails, and those years were the greatest that I ever shared with him. He was such a charmer, your pa. Always knew exactly what to say, and he treated me like the princess herself. He was selfless, always acting on the needs and desires of other ponies. The pony that I fell in love with, your father, made life worth living, and boy was it worth living back then. We didn’t care where we were, so long as we had each other. He was always able to make the worst of days into the best, an ability that the alcohol took away. You know he was such an optimist back then, always smiling and sharing some wisdom about finding happiness in the least likely of places. The years turned him into a pessimist, though. He lost that innocent spark in his eye, and his smile became tainted with regret. In fact, everything about us was tainted with regret. Did you notice how we would always scream and fight, unless we were around you children? It wasn’t because we were keeping up appearances, you know. It was because you were the only things beautiful enough to cause us to stop and breath. Thank you.

I think, some time along the road, our love for each other faded out. I think I know why, too. It was because we forgot who each other were, and we forgot who ourselves were. There was only the alcohol induced words. The words that we screamed at each other, trying to inflict more damage than we received. We made weapons out of those words. Words that should have been spent on something that didn’t destroy. Something that created. I wish I could take back every one of the words, but it ain’t that easy. It never is.

I’m your mother, and your family, but I like to think that you and I are something more. I like to think that you and I are friends. A daughter doesn’t choose her mother, and so you were stuck with me, but friends do choose. I hope that you enjoyed our time together as much as I did, and that you would choose to relive it if you could, because I know I would. I think our friendship means more than anything else. It’s more than a mother’s love for her children, it’s a pony’s love for another. And I love you as one pony to another, as equals. I love you as a friend should. I love you for who you are, not because you’re my daughter, and that, to me, is worth so much more. I love you, Applejack.

I know that my hour is over. I’ll only be around for a few more moments. While I do have many regrets, and I would go back in a heartbeat if I could, I am at peace. I ain’t sad, or angry, or lonely. I’m ready to die, sweetheart, so don’t you worry. Just like in the old western stories, this mare’s tale ends on a starry night, and I sing my last song as the dusty trail ends. Well, maybe not so romantic, but it’s an end that I accept. My father used to say to me when I was young, “All good things must come to an end.” He wanted me to be prepared for whatever loss I would eventually suffer. Of course I now know that all such things end, but I also know that it can be a good end. An end that doesn’t leave a bitter taste in a pony’s mouth. I hope that the soon coming end to our friendship is one such “good” end. I lived too short a life, and I’ll never have the time that I should have spent with you back. For that I am sorry, my sweet daughter. I know you’ll forgive me, though. Because that’s one thing I wasn’t able to do, and I’m still not able to. Forgive myself.

Give my love to your siblings, kiddo. Tell them that I’ll always love them. One last thing, dear, there’s an old trunk sitting around the barn, ask your Granny Smith to dig it out for you. I want you and your siblings to look through it, I think you’ll like what’s inside.

Your loving Ma

PS. Find Big Mac a nice mare to settle down with, will ya? Or stallion, if he prefers.

The mare giggled at the joke, recognizing her mother’s mischievous sense of humor. She had never felt so sorrowful and so joyful at the same time, and it confused her. Stars formed behind the veil of dying light, drawing into view like a thousand drops of light spilled across an abyss. She watched the sky, the memory of her mother held in her mind with reverence and desire. Desire to see her again. Maybe someday.