GhostOfHeraclitus fan club archive

Leafy didn't wear spectacles. This was generally a good thing—Dotty was forever losing, breaking, mangling, or dissolving his—but sometimes it was a bother. Right now, for instance, he really wanted to have spectacles so he could look over them in the pointed way Dotted used to put the Fear of Celestia into provincial officials who made him tetchy. He settled instead for rubbing the bridge of his nose with one hoof while gesturing with another.

"Run this past me again."

"Well, um, Mr. Permanent Secretary, sir, the idea was to ask ponies nicely to let us search their homes. Nothing wrong with that." The Phillydelphian Chief Superintendent—a broad faced stallion teetering unwillingly on the lip of middle-age—positively radiated keenness and a professionalism, though it would have perhaps helped the latter if he hadn't tied his tie in what appeared to be a hangmare's knot.

"No, indeed. Quite according to the charter. Polite, even. But the question I am driven to, Chief Superintendent, is... why?"

"Well in case we find proof of crime, sir."

"Proof of which crime?"

"Just... y'know sir. Crime in general. Daggers with bloodstains on 'em. Suspicious hoofprints. Bottles of poison that are all black, sir, with a skull and crossbones on 'em. You know sir. Clues. "

"And this will help crime in Fillydelphia, will it?"

"Oh, yes, sir. Can't solve a crime without clues. Stands to reason." The Chief Superintendent gave a vigorous nod that threatened to unseat his dress uniform hat.

"You seem to have thought this out quite thoroughly."

"Thank you sir."

"One question, though."

"Sir?"

"These ponies with clues in their homes, why exactly would they invite you over?"

"Sir?"

"Presumably they've committed the crimes in question and have decided, against all reason, to keep the grisly evidence of their criminality, possibly on some sort of decorative plinth, yes?" Leafy hadn't had lunch. In fact this emergency meeting was taking place in the hallowed time when he ought to be having the sandwiches he brought along. He could see the packet, from where he was sitting. Taunting him.

"Um... well sir—"

"So I am... what's the word... baffled. Yes, baffled as to why these ponies would then invite the police over to see if there's any sign of their criminality hanging about."

"Well sir we—" The Superintendent was red-faced now, and had taken the hat off and was busily compacting it into a ball.

"Is this perhaps targeted at the forgetful criminal who has preserved clues of their own misdeeds but has forgotten that they have done so or has perhaps lost these mementos and wishes for police help to recover them? Do you get many absent-minded villains in Fillydelphia, then?"

"Nossir. But, well, might be that these clues are in homes where the ponies aren't criminals per se, sir. They just have clues hanging about. And we just offered to come 'round and see if there are any around. Can't be too safe. Dangerous things, clues. It's like the pony flu."

"The pony... do they infect houses and then multiply?"

"They might, sir. Nopony's seen 'em do it, sure enough, but they might."

Leafy leaned forward. He had nearly forgotten the sandwiches now (though not quite—they had bell pepper relish on!). In morbid fascination he prodded onward, as one might pick at a scab.

"I see. Preventative policing?"

"Yessir! Nail on head, sir. We are standing on the forefront of the fight against infectious clues menacing the good people of Fillydelphia."

Leafy Salad rubbed his forehead, willing his headache away. Sarcasm didn't seem to be having any visible effect.

"And how do these clues come to be at ponies' houses, then, if they are not criminally inclined? Are you under the impression that there exists an evidence fairy that leaves the stuff around?"

To Leafy's fascinated horror, the Superintendent leaned in, and spoke in hushed conspiratorial tones.

"Well sir, we've no solid leads in the Evidence Fairy case, but we know what's what in Fillydelphia, oh yes," he said, trying to tap his nose knowingly and missing, "We've all been leaving magnifying glasses under our pillows for weeks now just in cas—"

"You are fired. I've half a mind to fire the whole Fillydelphian police department and replace it with blocks of wood painted blue, just to see if it even affects the crime rate."