Soldier and Merasmus Magical Adventure of Friendship.

by coltesque

Rating: everyone
Tags: Other, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Alternate Universe, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 5348

Merasmus, the great and powerful, has had enough! He willingly sends Soldier to another dimension to rid of him once and for all. Where could he have gone? Where else?!

Merasmus, one of the finest magicians in all the land, decided to head home after a long, pointless battle with red. Will he finally retrieve the peace he so desperately wants? Nah, what's the fun in that?!

Published 2013-06-18 01:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-26 23:11:25 UTC

Welcome Home!

*I take no credit for any photos posted within the chapters

Grim blackness swung blissfully by the tight crevices across the center hallway. Webs and mold were tucked beneath the solidifying shadows where the raccoon nests lye. Bitterness presses the fabrics and distilled vinyl furniture, moaning and creaking in agony. Rugs, Tables, and furnishings whine and howl for their owner’s return; Praying and weeping into the sorrowful, swishing winds. Grandfather Clock clicks un-rhythmically with a rocking and rolling twist, leaning front and back, front and back... Suddenly, the blistering breeze diminishes. Floorboards and creaky shelves started to shake, jittering in a panic, held down on cemented anxiety. Wood sticks pounding to the primitive beat, dancing about the tumbling dirt wads and clustered stone crumbs. More rapidly does the home shake... the drums pound, pound, POUND... then... All kneel patiently to the opened door! Two shadows crawl through the green, distilled and warped, tumbling into the light.

“I knew this would be a pain in the ass, why do I even listen to you?” Loads of alcohol bottles scuffled through; jittering across the rusty wood floors.

“All my wizardry and I can’t even move a pack of damn bottles!” He choked, brutally unsatisfied as each bottle conjured sluggishly into the dying room.

“Hey Ya kno, I bet u culd take dose bottles a-“

“How many times must I say, that will not work!” Merasmus snapped sharply at his companion, held within a tangible sheet of levitation.

“Wel maybe u culd-“

“No...”

“What abou-“

“Nope...”

“How about u-“

“No, No, and NO! Do you have nothing useful to say? You are a book for crying out loud!”

“Hey, Dun’t judge ey book bah its cover ya know?”

“... Honestly, why do I put up with you?!”

“Eyy I said dun’t judge a book by its colors ya know?” Bombinomicon swished by Merasmus shoulder, cross-eyed and delirious while being brushed off like a bad cold. Merasmus stepped by the carpeted corner, throwing ectoplasm across the dying room.

“A book can get drunk, a book for crying out loud! And I can’t even have a single blasted drink without the alcohol running from me!” He turns tenderly with blushing eyes towards the filled liquor, which bolted away in a cartoonish spring, screaming for dear life. With a deep sigh, Merasmus cupped his ear on his palm, visually scavenging floor cracks and sawdust particles at rest. His other hand rummaged through his coat, pulling out a dismembered medic arm; shaken and swished about before a good tossing behind.

“What a waste of time, honestly, I’m not even affected by mortal weapons! All just to kill off everyone Soldier held dear... until I found out he completely forgot about that battle. Yet even after he left one week into the fight, there I was, killing them all like I was programmed to do it or something stupid like that...” Bombinomicon flapped into a floppy dismount, wobbling a bookstand lean on his shoulder.

“Ey, yu- you know, like a videu game or somethin...”

“What are yo-“ In the blink of an eye, Soldier popped from the carnivorous crevices of the carpeted corner, rotating his hand in a half circle to his arm’s momentum above his head. Merasmus screeched, twisting his body across the stair post in horror.

“Wha- I- How, whe-“ Soldier flicked his finger like a zippo lid and tapped his cigar on his right thumb, sizzling the silence with charred cigar bits.

“I got bored... that, and you left the door unlocked. Oh, and I missed Lieutenant Bite too! Isn’t that right you little rascal!” He rubbed and patted the little raccoon as his jaws were currently attached to his hand. Merasmus mouth stretched across his wardrobe to his knees, dribbling and bouncing with basketball sized eyes.

“Also, some lady walked by a couple of days ago and moved the raccoon preserve! She said something about ‘changing environments’ and ‘population counts’, whatever that means.” A dim silence echoed across the dying room as Merasmus clicked his chin in place and cleared his throat. A sinister, demented smile creped across his cheeks like two fishing reels yanking a catch. His neck slightly creaked with a single eye twitching, twisting his position towards Soldier.

“I suppose that means we- no, I, could live here again. That explains the lack of tourists. Where did they move the preserve...?” Soldier shook his hand around, stuffing his boot on the raccoon’s forehead, until Sargent Bite let go.

“Out of the house...”

“Of course it’s out of the house you moron! Why wo-“

“And in the basement! I’ll go get them now!” Soldier slips across the ground into the green flames and out popped 5 quivering raccoons with torched fur. The fishing hooks stretched even more, reeling in the catch.

“Allow me to introduce the family! This here is Sargent Squirmy, and this is Private Chew, O! O! And this is Captain Admiral Stripes III, he always foams from the mouth when he gets wet, tough little rodent here! O! And this i-“ The hooks ripped from his cheeks and twisted his gums to flap around his teeth, rumbling and quaking with bursting vocals.

“ENOUGH! DO YOU TAKE ME FOR A FOOL YOU IGNORANT... FOOL! I AM MARASMUS, THE WIZARD OF MISERY, THE SORCERER OF SPELLS, T-“ Before he could finish, Soldier stepped up and started the fireplace, spewing lime and gray flames, stripping pieces of the petrified carpet for little raccoon comforters.

“You honestly don’t care do you...?” Without a response, Marasmus trudged towards the stairs, before being halted.

“Hey Merasmus!”

“What Soldier...”

“Do you know how I got through that fire without burning?”

“At this moment Soldier... I am not obliged to care...” His hollow spirit was close to tracing away, when Soldier strained his voice with a vocal assault.

“HEY!” Merasmus swung his body and rocked like a cradling punching bag, spewing steam and hatred from his ears.

“WHAT COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT NOW?!” Actual, Physical traces of pure ungodly hate were flowing from Merasmus hollow spirit, sparkling across his body like chilled electricity.

“I made a campfire, want to roast marshmallows?” Merasmus pointed his index finger at twelve O’ Clock, pondering, but
released his muscle tensions and solemnly sighed.

“I suppose... it should get this blasted day as far away from my mind as physically possible...”

“What’s on your mind Marasmus? You could tell me, that’s what friends are for right? I’m always listening.” Marasmus and Soldier walked peacefully to the back porch as the demented wizard’s eye twitched coherently with his neck and shoulders.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Innocent little embers ran to the swarming stars, falling faintly into the darkness. The moon tucked away from the flares, shaking behind the curtain of stars in an episode of anxiousness. Stones and dirt clods hopped and skipped in a tribal ritual around the scolding fireplace, hugging closest to Merasmus coat. Trees, leaves, bushes, and grasses rooted themselves moderately far from the campfire, catching the dimmed ashes and smoke.

Merasmus lied down on the ground, attempting to fumble into a comfortable position away from Soldier’s needy eyes and awkward panting, which smothered the soothing ambience of scratching raccoons and muffled banter of wretched souls. Merasmus jumped up like a fence post, staring into Soldier’s dull, marble eyes.

“Erm... Soldier, would you be so kind as to stop staring at me?” There was no response. Merasmus floated higher, it was odd of Soldier to not act... odd.

“Hello? Soldier? Anyone home?” He wove his hand through Soldier’s Face, not conjuring a single result. He inspected for a closer look, bending around for signs of life.

“Well Soldier, this is a n-“ Out from the bushes leapt a green cameo maniac, holding a burning shovel up to Marasmus fear induced face, screaming like a murder victim. On closer inspection, this maniac was no maniac at all.

“HAHAHAHAHA, you should have seen the look on your face! Priceless, Hahaha!” Soldier fell to his lower back, cradling and rocking as he laughed himself to exhaustion. Swiveling out of the bush, Bombinomicon chuckled under a harsh hiccup, stabilizing himself like a bird with a broken wing.

“Yeh, U shuld have seen your *hiccup!*, mmm face hahaha” Merasmus hopped to his hollow drape bottom, brushing down his chest with a smirk sense of denial. He gave a death glare to Soldier, completely ignoring that blasted book.

“I would be upset, but I’ve expected no less from someone like you...” His back straightened to a half-circle bend from a horizontal base, shifting his collar and rustling his transparent tie straight.

“Lighten up Merasmus, we’re just enjoying ourselves! We weren’t laughing at you, w- actually we were, but YOUR FACE WAS SO FUNNY! HAHAHA! He got fooled by A DOLL!” Soldier smashed his back into a painful crack on the ground; rocking in agonizing laughter, Bombinomicon wanted out of the incoming hurricane. Merasmus pulsed lime green, his cloth charred alchemically.

“Lighten up Merasmus...” He turned his back, broadening his shoulders and sucking in a vacuum of air. “YOU EXPECT ME TO LIGHTEN UP?!?! You’ve destroyed my house, ruined my study, obliterated my kitchen, turned my home into a god forsaken rats’ nes-“

“HAY! That is disrespectful!” Soldier slipped a hand underneath his jacket, pulling out a raccoon, fixated with a miniature beret.

“Say you’re Sorry to Lieutenant Bites!” Merasmus lifted from thin air the mangy rodent and tossed it into the bushes. Soldier yelled in sorrow, but was swiftly interrupted.

“I WILL NOT APOLOGISE TO THE RODENT THAT HELPED RUIN MY HOUSE! I have WASTED my undead life killing off your damn pests Red and Blue, and you expect me to loosen up?!” Soldier cowered into the corner shortly, taking deep, anxious breaths before shaking it off. He pouted off into the grass, showing his back to Merasmus with a high lifted chin.

“And to think I made a bonfire for you...” Merasmus rummaged through the fire in rebellion, screeching in anguish and irritancy.

“I could care LESS about your insignificant fire! You wo.... wait...” Merasmus put his hound snout into the burning core, whiffing foul odor and familiar spells.

“What did you put in this fire...?” Soldier stood in militant form, marching towards the fire with an angular bend into its tip. He loosened himself, answering with falsified pleasure.

“Well, since the raccoons got into the basement, I thought I would pick up some fire wood from there!”

“... and what else?”

“Oh just some old books, oh, and your dead body.”

“MY WHAT?!” Merasmus threw the charred materials into the air, grabbing his body like a suit in an anti-gravitational zone. He slipped into the body, surprised as none of the materials burned, must have been some fire-retardant spells Soldier threw in there by mistake. His arms and neck were slightly decomposed; his face had shards of bone and rotting flesh near the cheeks. He tried to testify the witness with a derogatory finger, but it snapped out of place as Merasmus foolishly fumbled to slip it back in. He cleared his throat through the awkward silence, and resumed his bratty rant.

“This is the last straw... I WILL NOT PUT UP WITH THIS!” He grabbed Bombinomicon from the floating charred stockpile, flipping through his pages with a disjointed mumble.

“Do you not have any teleportation spells?” Bombinomicon swished from his arms, stabilizing as the alcohol began to wear off.

“Well... I thunk so, but I don’t know what when happen if I-“

“JUST DO IT!” Soldier stood stupefied, picking his ear, unaffected by Merasmus words of disgust. Merasmus grounded himself, holding both ends of the Bombinomicon, shouting the ancient words of an apprentice wizard.

“Vondar Bestalagosta Amanagus... umm... GetTheHellAwayagus!” Orbiting lumens of light traced into spheres across Merasmus body, striking thunder from his appendages. The book pages flipped rapidly, the ground shook as a circular shape traced around Soldier, yet he seemed to continuously not care. Raccoons bolted from the front door, cowering around Soldier’s ankles. A strike of dark red lighting hit the circle and gaped open, Soldier and the raccoons fell in. Cries echoed harshly, falling faint until sealed by the ground. Bombinomicon grounded himself, looking up at Merasmus with wide eyes.

“Where you done send him?” Merasmus danced in a ballet of tip toes to the front door, throwing his arms around, extending a rainbow above his head.

“I could care less! I’M FREE, FREEE!” Merasmus ran through the front door, echoes of hysteric laughter disturbing the rustling grasses and tortured trees. Depressingly, Bombinomicon flapped back to the front door, shutting it with a rumbling quake.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Owww lord, what happened?” In the midst of his confusion stood a Pink mare, holding him down by the shoulders and giggling uncontrollably.

“Hi there! I’m Pinkie Pie!”

Author's Note

Thanks so much for giving my story a shot! Any and all advice is absolutely essential, I will be happy forever if you include some feedback, don't make me un-happy :pinkiesad2:.. please? :fluttershysad:

A Whole New World!

“OOOOOOO, why aren’t they here yet?!? What’s taking them so loooonggg?????” Pinkie scuttled round and around, waiting for her friends to arrive before the break of dawn. The streets were quite peaceful... for a night like this, absolutely shocking; Quite literally in Soldier’s case! His body clenched into a nullified state; stone cold and speechless, planked in militant stance. His eyes were tethered to the bridge of his nose, rattling and straining as his pupils continued to stutter.

The environment was dark olive with a smudge of hot pink; which ran and jumped across the frame. A starchy lime trickled across the walkways and rolled around the pavement. Out from the black wretchedness came five multicolored pajamas, suited across a pallet of fur and tiredness. Twilight, Rarity, Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash waddled across a crooked path to a near stumble. Fluttershy batted her patient little eyes, drifting towards the pink smudge.

“*YAWN* Twilight, is that Pinkie?” Twilight stumbled and slightly leaned on Fluttershy, pointing towards the smudge.

“I *yawn* think so, Pinkie said she’d be out here...” Rainbow brushed herself clean, prepping herself to the morning routine.

“Yeah... well why does it have to be so early? What could possibly be so important for Pinkie to wake us at this hour?!” Rarity stepped to a swagger, indulging in her physique with a floating hairdryer and curling iron accompanying her journey.

“Why darlings, you honestly need to be more accustomed to these sorts of situations. This is Pinkie Pie, expect the unexpected ladies.” A loose cord constricted across her front hoof, yanking the marshmallow into a frontward dive. The hot iron swiped Rainbow Dash’s wing, STRIKE! She collapsed and burned her hoof on the hair dryer; a techno-colored smoke arose.

“OWWW-“ Applejack muffled Rainbow’s squealing, whispering faintly.

“Phew, that was close... We can’t wake up the rest of the towns folk Rainbow.” She released Rainbow Dash, settling her on the ground with a tender, painful hiss. Applejack saw the singe, disheartened and concerned. The mark dampened abroad the charred feathers, carving a near half inch through her wing and far deeper into her hoof center.

“Ya’ll right there partner?” Rainbow rubbed her wing coarsely, beating Applejack with puppy dog eyes.

“Yeah, I- I’m fine, it’s just a little burn that’s all...” Applejack stuck her head underneath Rainbow’s body and rolled Rainbow onto her back. one loving exchange of friendly grins later, Applejack pursues the culprit as Rainbow Dash attempts to coordinate her fuzzy vision.

“Say, what’s that red thing underneath Pinkie?!” Applejack started to heave heavy breaths, picking up the pace.

“I don’t know, but I sure as Celestia don’t want to know! I really hope that’s not what I think that is!!” Applejack trotted in a semi-fast run, catching up to the other gals who wandered to the front, their senses muffled by unfathomable exhaustion. Applejack halted, throwing a breath of fresh relief.

“Phew, thank goodness... For a second, I thought... nah that’s just crazy talk! It’s just this... umm... what is this?” Rainbow swung up to applejack, cheek to cheek, shaking her head in disbelief. Rarity, Pinkie, and Twilight all crowded around the unconscious being.

“You think it was from the Everfree Forest?” Twilight said, scratching her head, pondering why this kind of being was here. Rarity gleamed down in disgust, kneeling behind Pinkie.

“Well whatever it is, this thing smells like raccoons and sour cream! Ugh, what an utterly horrifying creature! And you said it fell from the sky?” Applejack wedged into the crowd as Pinkie hopped to a split hoof dismount, her eyes like the orbs of a fortune teller.

“YES! He just, poof! Right from the sky, landed right here!” She drew a perfect dirt circle around Soldier, as if it wasn’t blatantly obvious to begin with.

“I’ve never met anything like it! It was talking all tough and rough, but then it just fell asleep! I tried to greet it, but it fell asleep, and then it looked at me, and then just fell back asleep! So I-“
“Pinkie, I don’t think he’s sleep, I think he’s in shock...” Twilight held her hand on her chest proudly, followed by a professional shove by Nurse Pinkie. She wore a white physician’s mask, a pink cooking robe, and two electric shockers on each of her front hoofs. She stood like an evil enchantress over Soldier, rubbing her hoofs together.

“CLEAR!” By mighty thunder God Zeus, I command thee lighting to strike down upon this poor mortal soul! STRIKE, AHHHHHHHH!

“CLEAR!” The rest stood in shock, Fluttershy cowering behind one of Twilights magnificent wings. Screaming, Eruption from Soldiers vocal cords, AHHHHHH!

“CLE-“
“PINKIE!” Twilight whisked the physician’s equipment into the town center fountain. A couple of houses illuminated, Twilight panicked and teleported them to the entrance of the Everfree forest. Beads of sweat ran from the entire gang, as dog barks and worried citizens sprung from their dorms.

“Pinkie, why did you do that?!” Pinkie rubbed her foot into the dirt, bowing her head slightly.

“Well you said shock...” Pinkie muted her worries when the red wardrobed warrior awoke from his mental stasis. Muffled rumbling... coherent English... earth-like hippie plants... in a cartoonish plane... then it struck him. His whole body contorted, almost certainly digging his skull deeper into the ground.

“AHHHHHHHH!!!!! TALKING COLORED HORSES!!!”
“WHERE?!” Pinkie looked in all ways, making eye contact with this petrified man.

“AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!”
“AHHHHHHH!!!!” Screamed all the girls, equally as frightened as he was. Soldier knocked cold, out like a wick. The whole gang panted heavily in absolute terror, all but Pinkie, blissful as ever.

“hehehehe, he’s funny! Now where did those talking colored horses go...” Pinkie hopped around, the rest of the five dropped their jaws, some even falling off. Twilight sealed her mouth shut, glaring empty eyed as the town awoke with a bustling of chit chat.

“We need Princess Celestia...”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Royalty skinned dry and hung to the hum-drum of bountiful wealth and beauty. The marble surfaced floors and hoof carved mantle pieces stood guard for her majesty, who’s hoof steps rippled the tile surfaces. Six anxious, desperate ponies cowered to the center of the castle, the walls caving in. With a slam of a royal hoof, all the walls contort to their classic shape, disguising their disrespect and standing in formation. A synchronized sigh of relief flows through the hollowed room, all irrelevant commotion ceases to exist. Her majesty churns a look of disgust, plowing a foot deep hole with a tempered hoof.

“What has happened here?!” Pinkie blatantly hops into the Princess face, waving herself around like a Hanna Barbara cartoon character.

“YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE THIS! I was outside, watching the birds, when BAM! Out of nowhere! This.... umm... Fell from the sky! It was incredible! He was all like SWOOSH and WAM! And and, he looked at me, and then just laid there frozen! I tried to-“ Twilight pushed the still rambling bundle of cotton back, translating to a more audible explanation.

“What she means to tell you is that this, I believe it to be a man, fell from the sky! We have no idea where he’s from or what he’s doing here, but we do know he speaks our language. I don’t have too much research on these males, but I’ve never seen one in Equestria before!” She bowed her head, putting a patient, kind hearted hoof on Twilight’s shoulder.

“This is a good start Twilight, but I must ask you a favor only suitable to those of the royal branch. The rest must wait here while I discuss this with the other Princesses” She gave a reassuring nod to the other five ponies, stepping out of the room with Twilight. The rest sat... and sat.... and sat, waiting for the sundial to click ever so slowly. Hours later, still no response. The sun rolled into the afternoon from the morning, stuttering and losing momentum. Rainbow picked up the old dial, misaligning it from the circular desk beside her royal chair.

“Why would someone want one of these old things, especially someone like Celestia?” Applejack swiped the circular dial and placed it neatly back on the desk.

“It’s probably a humble way of communicating that she appreciates everything, not just the finer things in life.” Rainbow Dash trotted towards the room corner half-way through Applejack’s response, snorting harshly while staring through the window.

“Gez, we could be out there doing something important right now! What’s taking them so long?! This, umm... whatever Twilight called it, could wake up any minute now!” Fluttershy gave a soft tap on Rainbow’s upper back as she descended to the ground.

“Don’t you worry Rainbow Dash, it won’t be long. Everything’s going to be just fine, and besides; look at the view from up here! Spring time can be so pretty, don’t you think?” Rainbow turned her head, leaned on her bum, and pouted immaturely.

“It’s not so pretty if I can’t fly in it, Rarity had to go and burn my wing...” Rarity leaned her head back from the Princess mirror, staring slightly from the corner of her eye.

“Oh Rainbow, I thought you said it was fine?”

“Yeah, but that’s before I knew I’d get locked into this mess!” Rainbow held her hoofs on the invisible cell bars, mourning in boredom.

“Aww shucks Rainbow, It’ll be fine, Shouldn’t take that long anyhow...” Rainbow tried to stance herself, but cringed in pain from flexing her wing.

“That’s what you said the last hour, and the hour before that!” Fluttershy tip toed to Rainbow, trying to look over and comfort her.

“Applejack is just being optimistic Rainbow! Maybe yo- umm, if you would be so kind, could be too!” Rainbow stood on all 4’s, trotting back to the sun dial to watch it tick.

“How can I be optimistic when every time there’s a problem, we have to fix it! First we have this... thing to deal with, now it’s my burnt wing!”

“Well shucks Rainbow, the Princess is counting on us! Maybe she’ll assign us a one day job or somethin’ like that, and reward your hard work by fixing that wing of yours! This incident shouldn’t be much of a bother.” Both the crystal plated doors smashed open, all four Princesses enhancing the rubbery trots from the hallways.

“Speakin’ of which, ya’ll got any ideas yet?!” Princess Celestia chuckled slightly, moving her construction crane neck to a stilted, statue like position; looking upon the five young friends individually.

“Yes Applejack, we have. After some talk, we realized the weight of this situation; Princess Twilight Sparkle will personally escort Rarity and Fluttershy to help ease concerns in Ponyville. You, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie will group together and search the area for any and all clues of this man’s origins and how he arrived in this place. If anymore news abides, I will happily share it with each of you. Bring any and all evidence to me personally. In the meanwhile, this human being-“

“OOOH that’s its name? Hi there human! Wow, what an odd name...” The four princesses chuckled at Pinkie’s silly remark, Twilight stepped forward slightly in reply.

“No Pinkie, that’s what they are called, not his name.”

“Hi I-don’t-know-you-someone human!” Twilight shook her head in embarrassment, stepping back into the royal family.

“Yes, well, this human will stay under my care until further notice. If he is awoken, I will personally escort him to the royal bedroom to stay until your missions are completed.” All five of the ponies, including Twilight, threw their hoof above their eyebrows in salute.

“Yes Mam!” Twilight stepped forward again, turning towards Celestia.

“We will carry out our missions in no time flat! Is there anything else before we go?” Celestia began to step away with the remaining princesses, turning her head towards Twilight.

“If something else like this occurs in your presence, alert me at once.” The Mane 6 bolted through the door, emptying the activity with a creaking slam of the doors.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

♪♪And now it's all right. It’s ok.
And you may look the other way.
We can try to understand
The New York times effect on man.

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother,
You're stayin alive, stayin alive.
Feel the city breakin and everybody shakin,
And were stayin alive, stayin alive. ♪♪

“And one, two, Twist, one two! Twirl, HA!” Scuffling across the brittle floor boards, running an ol’ cup of joe as it dripped to the bouncing beat. Fell the music, running away and collapsing dead no further than the kitchen halls, gasping for air in this decrepit old home. ♪STAYIN’ ALIVE!♪

Twirling to a gymnast dismount in his PJs, sucking in a breath of fresh pleasure, whistling to these petrified tunes, and observing the stuttering furniture and raccoon-free halls; he’s never felt better. No more varmints, no more destructive roommates, no more obnoxious fighting!

“I CAN’T BELIEVE I’M FREE! Oh this is too good to be true!!!” Merasmus spun on a luminous ball in his kitchen chair; hysterical, with blotches of insanity painted white on his wrinkles and rose inside his crow’s feet. Bombinomicon fussed and moaned towards the kitchen, constantly leaning left as his pajama hat leaned right. Smack into the desk, SMASH! The music hushed, catching Merasmus lively attention as he pumped his chest and grabbed a hanging microphone.

“GOOOOOOOOOD MORNING lazy pages, any late night reading?!” Merasmus grin cracked from his face, ignoring the smashed drums and symbols. Crickets made up the applause, lying in the raccoon beds, bugging Merasmus ever so slightly.

“Was that supposed to be funny?” Bombinomicon splashed a cup of coffee onto his face, hoping his textual pores would absorb the buzz. Merasmus jumped from the soap box, hugging the book with a godly might.

“I HAVE NO IDEA! But I don’t care! I can say as I please, isn’t it wonderful? IT’S SO WONDERFUL!” Merasmus skipped with his legs rubber banding back and forth, twirling in the wood grown flower garden that seemingly popped from thin air. He dropped the book, dashing into a green blur and waking the sleepy furniture. The home leaped in terror, mounting slightly crooked from the impact. Out from the basement, he pulled a notepad and paper, writing all the things he could do without that blasted moron.

“Bowling, Check! Vacation to Peru, Check! Visiting old friends, Check! Relaxing on my lawn, Check! Cleaning the house... I’ll save that for later, but Check!” His eyeballs licked the page like a giant sucker, tasting each blotch of tender lettering. Bombinomicon floated a good distance, observing the madness unfold. Merasmus tweaked his neck, glaring directly at the book with a loud snap, whether that was his brain or neck is debatable.

“What would YOU like to do my wonderful, beautiful little pile of words?!” His grin caressed his eyeballs like a madman, rubbing against his eyebrows, twisting and jerking like an impatient conman. Bombinomicon tried to flap his wings and fly away, but was reeled in and opened up, satanically swung through with a rough touch.

“Where is that spell?! Imagine what else I could get rid of for good! I NEED THAT SPELL!!!” Bombinomicon horrifically complied, scuffling into page 666. Merasmus stood dumbfounded at that oblivious reference as the cricket clapping died, pushing the numbers off the page and writing down the spell.

“Vondar... Bestal... Bestalagosta... A-man... agus... Get-The-Hell-Awayagus...” He crunched the soda can pen closed, tossing it overhead for a perfect shot into the trash can. Bombinomicon compressed closed, shuttering in disturbance to Merasmus actions.

“Brilliant! Thank you so much for your support you wonderful bundle of papers you!” Merasmus kissed his cheek, throwing up his arms and let his torso flap behind his running legs. The sound seemingly droned for an eternity, abandoning the poor shivering book. On the building’s exterior, the insanity stripped clean and swam back into the basement. Merasmus sucked all the oxygen from the trees, wheezing and coughing bits of sand and dirt.

His skin radiated with the brilliance of a damp towel, stretched across the broken bone and flesh pits. His clothing was sapphire orange, patched with soldier’s suit emblems. Mann Co. Crates, used weapons, and unusual hats were dug into pits; photos and remaining memories were cremated and spread across the lawn. The sun pleasantly patted Merasmus atop the head, thanking him for his hard work.

Shoveling, yanking, pulling, packing, and pressing the yard into its once sinister self; the smell of burnt Sour Cream and rotten... whatever that was in the fridge, scared off any wannabes from Merasmus yard. Flowers and leveled grasses were rooted across the whole field. Once alive, but sadly passed from the smell of Merasmus undead breath; regardless, he preferred a dead dandelion than a living one, so no harm there. Every piece of unwanted waste was swept into the hole; the ground rumbled delicately sequentially after each piece dropped. Bombinomicon barrel rolled through the house, ramming into the gardener and landing them nearly head first into the hole.

“YOU IDIOT! You almost trapped us in another dimension!” Bombinomicon sagged in the air, faintly wheezing breaths of concern.

“U, U shouldn’t du that! The whole house is shakin ya know?” Merasmus fixed his transparent tie and cleared his throat of ashes.

“We already dropped trash in there once before, I see no reason not to keep doing it!”

“Yeh but but but, it didn’t shake our ground before also!”

“Tsk Tsk Tsk” Merasmus forcefully laughed his concerns away, sighing in disbelief with a pat on the book’s crease.

“What could they do? Burn us for spring cleaning?! Do you ta-” SLAM! Smashed face first into the ground, eating dirt and ashes from the grass roots. Quaking, rumbling EARTHQUAKE! Get down, (*) Stand away from the fire! FIRE FIRE FIRE! RUNNNNNNN!!!! NOT MY LAWN, NOOOO! Float you fool, FLOAT!!!

Howls and growls creek from the sinister flames, gunning to the clouds and burning the fields. Merciful god, the demons are coming, THE DEMONS! The house is running, the fire is squealing in agony! Laughter, So much LAUGHTER, MY EARS! The fire is evaporating to a blue overcoat, I can see a shadow. Its menacing claws and sharp teeth, that war torn coat, I swear it’s on fire! It’s coming at me, It’s coming for ME, It’s too soon! PLEASE NOOOOOO!!!

Author's Note

"Stand away from the fire!" Catch this reference, and you get a free internet cookie! Also, the first person to guess right gets to see the third chapter early and/or help make their own joke for the upcoming chapter! Thank you all so much for your undying support, I promise you won’t be disappointed with this third installment!

Also, 200 views and 25 likes?!?! That’s amazing! I was hoping for at least 5 likes, but 25?! That's excellent, the more the merrier, always feel free to give feedback!!!

*Note: I still take no credit for any of these images.