The Science Chronicles

by bjshnog

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Dark, Comedy
Length: 6051

Twilight wants to perform experiments on her friends.

Twilight wakes up from a deep slumber, into which she went in order to gain a second set of wings for POWER. She finds that Pinkie is next to her and then catches up on events over the last 28 years. Then, she goes with her to experiment on her friends.

WARNING - CONTAINS SOME HORRENDOUSLY OVERDESCRIPTIVE GRIMDARK (with comedic elements spliced in)

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-25 06:44:59 UTC

Chapter 1: Waking Bad

A lone purple caterpillar resided inside a large, green shell — a chrysalis, if you will — which, in turn, resided inside a large, wooden structure. The structure was very natural, and appeared to have shown up out of nowhere since however long ago it was planted. As you could guess, it was a tree. Although, for most residential plots for caterpillars, it was quite odd, bearing the form of an actual house built into a tree, rather than just a tree with some holes in it. Maybe it grew into that shape; who knows? Maybe it grew the books, too! Well, we know it probably didn’t, but they were still there.

A natural green glow, emanating from the house-tree, penetrated the large, heavy, thick, grey clouds above Equestria, causing all conscious life-forms within the vicinity of the country to direct their fields of vision in the opposite direction from the ground, in order for them to be able to sense the green-struck night sky with their visual eye-vision (since nopony knew how they were able to sense photonic light-particle-waves, they decided to give it a cool name, just to make it cool). Regardless of all ignorance and failure to come to conclusions based on solid evidence, scientific procedure and equine experimentation, the green glow slightly lessened, allowing Equestria’s residents to continue using their proprietary visual eye-vision to examine whatever natural food they planned to eat at the time when they were so rudely interrupted.

As the “chrysalis” dissolved, the light inside the house-library-tree fell to a manageable level, at which time, Twilight, now a double-alicorn, absorbed it all in order to gain energy-power. The excess luminescence drained from the room, allowing Twilight to stand by the mirror in her bathroom and try to recall what she looked like when she only had two wings.

“SUCCESS! I AM GOD! GODDESS?! GODETTE! Yeah, that,” observed the double-alicorn.

“Oooh, Twilight, did you grow an extra pair of wings? Didja? Didja? Didja? Didja? Didja? Didja? Didja?”

“SHUT UP! Pinkie, you can see with your own eyes that I have surpassed the Princess Queens in both power and beauty; why would you need to ask that?”

“Weeeeeeeeeell, it’s just that, a lot of the time when I am seeing double, it isn’t because there is actually a double-whatever-it-is in front of me. Or maybe it—”

“Yes! The answer is yes. I do have four wings now. When I first got two wings, I was like ‘Seriously? Just like a crummy pegasus?’, and I needed more, so then I told you I was going to make a spell to get some more.”

“Oh yeah, that’s right,” Pinkie admitted, shamefully.

“Yeah, those 28 years of waiting really paid off. Now I can finally challenge the throne!”

“Challenge the throne? But the princesses died, like, 26 years ago. From depression.”

“Oh, what a shame. Oh well, I can just take it then.”

“Yeah… but now there’s this new guy there. He’s really strict and stuff; he probably wouldn’t let you take the throne.”

“Well, that’s why I got this power, isn’t it?” Twilight flapped her four wings awkwardly and unceremoniously, knocking several potted plants off her bathroom’s sink, some of which slammed Pinkie in the face. They didn’t faze her in the slightest.

“Well, alrighty then. Come with me; let’s show our friends your new wings! Rarity first, because that’s who the author chose.”

And so, the two excited horses exited the library in an extravagant fashion, drawing attention to Twilight’s wings, and also Twilight, because no-one had ever seen her before. The trip to the Carousel Boutique was long, but only because they were hindered by massive amounts of traffic on the main road through Ponyville.

Chapter 2: Applejack HQ

An aluminium can hit Twilight in the face.

“Heeey! Wahtch whehre yah’re goin’, yah, spoiled braht!” said a cream-coloured passer-by with a bright red mane driving a Cadillac.

“Jeez, what is with this town? Last time I was here, there weren’t so many high-priced cars and aluminium cans.”

“Oh, that was the global economic explosion last year. All the banks gave everypony, like, a million bits, so they all went out and bought Cadillacs,” explained Pinkie, “but all of the banks went out of business, so now everypony just does whatever they want, usually.”

“Hmm… now that you mention it, they are all Cadillacs!” A fair distance down the road, Twilight could see two large portals open, one a few seconds after the other, and about five metres apart, after which a giant purple scaly thing flew out of the first and straight into the second. “Has Spike really been stuck in alternate universes for that long?”

“What? Spike? Who’s that?” asked Pinkie, with a high pitched voice.

“Ah, never mind. Anyway, how far away is the boutique from here?”

“Well, quite a while away, actually. About 15 years ago, there was a huge explosion underground which shattered all of the continents. A lot of houses were separated from each other a long way. You might have noticed the massive, gaping emptiness below us.”

Twilight walked over to the edge of the walkway to look down, and sure enough, she was on a small island, below which was a huge expanse, almost endless. In fact, she could see stars at the other end. Massive steel girder-like structures were in place, seeming to hold the planet together, or at least each individual island. Some islands were raised and some were depressed. Or, most likely, all of the islands were raised, just some more than others.

“Whoa… cool. Did I cause that?”

“Yes.”

“Okay. How are we gonna get to Rarity’s?”

“Let’s go to Applejack’s headquarters and borrow some horses.”

“Headquarters?”

* * *

“Howdy there, Miss Twilight! Nice to meetcha! You here ta buy a horse?” asked Applejack, obliviously, and with an extremely male vocal tone.

“Hey Applejack. I am, indeed, here to acquire a horse, but I simply do not have the currency with which to do so, I assume,” Twilight expressed, turning to Pinkie. “Pinkie, what’s the inflation rate? I had 75 bits.”

“+23.7% per year for 28 years. That adds up to… 28,934 bits.”

“Weeell, these horses’a buy for about 15,000 bits if ya wanna buy ‘em.”

“How about 12,000 bits?”

“Weeell, they only go to buy for about 15,000 bits if ya wanna buy dem horses, but not a lot less like 12,000 bitssseerr…”

“That is highly disconcerting. Give me a 100% discount on all future purchases!”

“Uuummm… okay. Aw, dagnabbit! Ah let another ponies get me for ‘em a discount! That’s about… 15,000 bits down ter drain again!”

“Applejack, do you even remember me? Twilight Sparkle?”

“Weeell, I know a Twerlert with one pairs’a wings so… that’s isn’t you so no…”

“I am the same pony as that Twilight.”

“What?! Well why didn’cha say so! Long time, no see, Twi! You can have as many horses as you want!” exclaimed Applejack, opposite-of-obliviously, with her normal voice, which was almost indistinguishable from her previous vocal tone.

“I would like 15 horses, thank you very much.”

“Okay, Twi. We’ve only got 14, but I’ll make that work somehow.”

“I’ll make it work! Do you wanna turn into a horse?! ‘Cause I can do it! Seriously!”

“ALLLLL-RIGHT, TWILIGHT! TRANSFORM ME RIGHT NOW, YOU NINCOMPOOP!!”

“ALTHOUGH I CAN’T REALLY APPRECIATE THAT COMMENT, I MUST SAY I CAN STILL WILLINGLY DO THIS EASILY, AND WITH ALL OF MY HANDS TIED BEHIND MY BACK!!!!!”

The conversation reached infinite volume, prompting Twilight to use that energy to transform Applejack into a horse.

“GEEEEET REEEEAAAADDDYYY, AAAAPPPLLEEEJAAAAACCCKKK!!!!!!!!!!” Twilight started charging her horn with that noisy energy, before firing it at Applejack. The energy was a bright white, possibly blindingly bright, but Twilight wasn’t looking, so it didn’t affect her. Meanwhile, Applejack was making some really silly, horse-like noises.

“Whhoooo-b-b-b-bbrrruuupphhpnfphnfpnhpfnhpfhn!!!”

“What was that, AJ?” Twilight asked, as if waiting to receive an answer.

“BBBRRRUUUPPPHHPNFPHNPFHNPFNHPFNNHPFNHPFNHPHNF!!!”

“I suppose that’s true. Time to go, AJ!” Twilight leapt onto the orange horse’s back along with Pinkie in order to receive transport support before whipping her with a magical, invisible hitting-rope of some sort. “Yee-haw! To Rarity’s boutique!”

Applejack shot off with the force of a thousand suns, leaving a long trail of rainbow behind her.

Chapter 3: Rarity's Adventure

“Well, it may have taken while, but we’re finally here!” Twilight pointed out obviously, while knocking on Rarity’s front door.

The door was slammed open, and a monstrous, white beast stood in the doorway baring an array of sharp, un-taken-care-of teeth without braces. It wore its dark purple mane in a slightly annoying way — as if it wanted to tell viewers that it was richer than them, or, perhaps, more fashionable.

“Hey, Rarity,” greeted Twilight.

“Hello, darling! It’s been a little while since I saw you last time! How did you get here?” Rarity responded in a deep, reverberating tone.

“I rode an Applejack horse.”

“Fair enough. Come inside so we can keep the Dark Ones™ out.” Rarity gripped Twilight around the neck with her horrible jaws of death and dragged her inside before slamming the door shut with such ferocity that it should have killed Twilight. But, for the sake of the story, it didn’t.

“Huh? Dark Ones™? What are they?” inquired Twilight.

“Let’s just say they’re beasts who lurk around this town at night time. You don’t ever want to be touched by them, or you could catch some sort of retrovirus.”

“A retrovirus? How bizarre! What do the Dark Ones™ look like?”

“In general, a Dark One is any creature with a 32-bit lightness of at most 1/85. When it approaches night time, more and more creatures lose brightness equivalent to that which classifies them as a Dark One™,” Rarity explained. “It’s a simple phenomenon, really, but most ponies don’t understand it. I am one of the few who do…”

“こんにちわ! May I have some salt, please?” a dark brown pony outside a window asked.

Rarity’s voice took on an almost desperate tone, and she screeched, “EeeeaaahhHHHH!!!! COME BACK IN THE MORNING! I WILL NEVER LET YOUR KIND ENTER AT THIS TIME OF NIGHT!”

Twilight felt it was her turn to talk to her racist friend. “But… Rarity, he’s just a brown stallion. Nothing to be afraid of, see?” Twilight walked over to the door, opened it and invited the stallion in.

“Twilight, NO!” Rarity shouted. The stallion immediately leapt onto Twilight and sunk his teeth into her hide. The first thing she noticed was the huge array of colourful waves in the sky, as well as all over the boutique. “Twilight… no…”

* * *

Twilight could see a white space with a pink blur and a giant, slightly less white, monstrous blurry form over her. Slowly, they came into focus and revealed themselves to be a huge pink rabbit and a giant white machine gun.

“Awww, YEAH!” Twilight leapt up out of her Formula 1-styled bed and grabbed the machine gun with her hooves. The big pink rabbit just sat there and laughed goofily, kind of like a stereotypical horror clown, while Twilight shot millions of rainbow-coloured streaks at a bunch of stars and star-shaped bombs moving in an almost militaristic way.

“Wheeee!!!” Every star she hit burst into a spider-model firework explosion and every star shaped bomb blasted out five lasers which spread out evenly, each of which had the same effect as Twilight’s rainbow bullets on the stars.

It was truly a terrifying sight.

“DIE, STARS!!! MUAHAHAHAHA!!!”

“… stop… stop it… STOP IT!”

* * *

“Hebewebehwooble?” asked Twilight.

“Twilight, get your hoof out of my butt!”

“Aww, what? But I thought you were a machine gun! Come on, turn back into one!”

*smack*

After a few seconds, Twilight realised she had been struck to the face, and her hoof had been removed from Rarity’s behind. Rarity still wasn’t a machine gun, but now, Twilight had learned to accept that.

“I WAS CERTAIN THAT I TOLD YOU NOT TO TOUCH THE DARK ONES™!!!”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“Do you see what I mean by retrovirus?”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“DO YOU?”

“Well, yeah…”

“Good.” Rarity sat down and turned her nose up. She hadn’t stopped turning her nose up, however, so she kept tilting her head back. She stood back up again so that she could show exactly the amount of condescension she wished, by leaning back on her hind legs and holding her head so far back that it was completely upside-down.

“Oooh, Twilight! Look how condescending she is! I’ve never seen her like this before!”

“Yeah, I know. That’s pretty… condescending…” Twilight tossed her mane restlessly. “Say, Rarity… would you like a pair of proper wings like mine?”

Rarity returned her vision to Twilight so quickly that she smashed her monstrous jaw on the floor, shattering it irreparably. “YES. YESYESYESYESYESSSSSS!!! YESYESYES! Give it to me nooooooowwwwww!!!”

“Alrighty then. I’m going to try this in a matter of seconds, rather than 28 years this time.” Twilight lit up her horn, still charged from all of the noise earlier, and fired it at Rarity. Since she wasn’t looking where she hit her, the beam of magic hit Rarity square in the face, right between the eyes.

“Thankyouthankyouthankyouthankyouthankyou!!!” Rarity thanked.

“No problem,” said Pinkie, for some reason.

“So… when are the wings going to—AGH!” Two fully grown wings flew out of Rarity’s eye sockets, penetrating her eyes from behind. From the front, her eyes appeared to bulge slightly, causing her to scream, then bunches of feathers sprouted out from the pupils, obliterating them completely. “AAAAEEEHHHH!!!! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO MEEEE??!!!” Rarity cried.

Twilight attempted to console Rarity. “Hey, look on the bright side. At least you can fly now. Or… wait, you don’t have eyes, so maybe you can’t look anywhere. Oh well. It was nice knowing you!”

The wings had not stopped growing, however. From almost every square inch of her body’s surface, at least one wing had appeared, although the more recent ones were utterly deformed, taking on the shape of dead trees growing rapidly more than wings. As her flesh was torn apart, Rarity passed out, still crying in her unconscious state, while the bones she had always had split and shattered in every place imaginable. Her liver became visible on the left side of her torso, skewered on one of the new “wings”, and, on the right side, her intestines were being displayed, held on various emitted bones and bone fragments. Rarity’s skull cracked open, allowing more wings to grow out around her brain, forming a crown-like shape. Finally, at the base of Rarity’s neck, whereon her head had been snapped back by the immense force of the growth, the muscles were split and torn asunder, then the skin, and her still-beating heart was forced out by even more bones, beating exponentially faster for endless seconds, before finally coming to a rest. Blood poured out of every newly-created orifice, coating the floor in a nightmarish medium of redness.

“Well, Pinkie, it looks like it’s about time to get moving. See you later, Rarity!”

“Bye, Rarity! Twilight, let’s go to see the Rainbow Dash next.”

Chapter 4: Rainbow Road

Applejack, Pinkie and Twilight arrived at the Rainbow Dash’s house in New Cloudsdale (because the previous Cloudsdale was destroyed due the the sudden expansion of the planet). The Rainbow Dash was busy tuning up her Cadillac Super Rainbow Dash Sports Edition. It was exactly the same as a normal Cadillac, except for the fact that the Rainbow Dash owned this one.

“Hey, Rainbow Dash!” helloed Pinkie.

“Hay? Where? I’M FUCKING HUNGRY!!! OMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOMNOM…” The Rainbow Dash began flying towards the group with feverish hunger in her eyes, as well as her stomach.

“Whoa, whoa, whooooaaa!!! Calm down, ya crazy nincompoop!” requested Pinkie. “We’re only here to perform an experiment on you.”

“AN EXPERIMENT?! COOOOOOOOOOL!” droned the Rainbow Dash. “WHAT KIND OF EXPERIMENT?”

“Take it from here, Twi!”

“Alright, the experiment which is wished to be performed on you by me is to increase the power your Cadillac Super Rainbow Dash Sports Edition to levels beyond belief,” explained the nerd unicorn guy. “Literally.”

“COOOOOOOOOL! HOW MUCH?”

“I just said: to levels beyond belief.”

“BUT HOW MUCH IS THAT???”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.”

“OH, THAT’S BULLSHIT. EXACTLY HOW MANY HORSEPOWERS ARE YOU GOING TO ADD?”

“ω”

“BUT THAT’S AN TRANSFINITE ORDINAL NUMBER! HOW ARE YOU GOING TO DO THAT?”

“There is no way you would believe me.”

“I DON’T BELIEVE YOU!”

“Can you please stop shouting? It’s making me bored.”

“Okay.”

“I already have the plans set out! On a marvellous experiment piece-of-paper which I have in my convenient local storage facility, lies a set of instructions which represents x greater than or equal to the procedure. However, I think you’ll find the probability of the instructions representing x greater than the procedure is infinitesimally small.”

“In other words, you have the sheet which contains the instructions to the procedure of the experiment in your bag,” the Rainbow Dash responded blankly.

“Exactly right, Rainbow!”

“So… where is it?”

Twilight winked. “Oh, Dashie. Did you really think I would forget something like that?”

* * *

“YOU FORGOT THE SHEET?”

“Well, yeah, but—”

“Come on. How are you supposed to add ω horsepower if you don’t have any instructions?”

“It’s okay. I know all the steps!”

“Well, I wouldn’t expect anything else from the best princess in the world!” The Rainbow Dash did a loop with a diameter of about 7 metres, performing a Sonic Rainboom at the apex.

Twilight pulled the instruction sheet out of her bag. “Step 1: Prepare Super Duper Fast Speed Potion Elixir. First, gain possession of a small, but large-sized volumetric flask... done! Add 15 litres of Wild Pegasus… done!”

“Twilight, where the hell did you get that? That drink hasn’t been around for about 27 years!”

“I had it 28 years ago!”

“OF COURSE!”

“Now… burn it, bitch! Done! That’s Step 1 complete! Now… add to engine.”

“Huh? That was it?”

“I told you it was easy for me to remember, didn’t I?”

“No, you told me the following: ‘It’s okay. I know all the steps!’ That’s not the same thing.”

“Well it does mean the same thing!”

“No, ‘it was easy for me to remember’ means it was easy for you to remember. ‘It’s okay. I know all the steps!’ means that the previous statement was negligible in terms of the success of the experiment, and also that you know all the steps,” the Rainbow Dash explained. “That doesn’t necessarily mean it was easy to learn!”

“Come on, Rainbow Dash, can you ever not take everything so strictly and literally?”

The Rainbow Dash seemed irritated at this, and raised her chin up slightly while keeping her vision intently focused on the horny purple horse. “UNACCEPTABLE!!!” she screamed in a voice that made her sound like a lemon.

“Fine. Just feed this to your damn car.” Twilight violently shoved the volumetric flask with burning alcohol into the Rainbow Dash’s hands.

“TTTTTHHHANK YOU. I WILL BE SURE TO… UUUUSE THIS EFFICIENTLY AND WITHOUT ERROR!”

“No problem.”

The Rainbow Dash walked off with the flask, showing off her bright blue sneakers, before realising they were right next to the car, and had, in fact, used its engine to burn the alcohol somehow. “PUT!” she said as she put the alcohol into the fuel tank. “THERE. THIS SHOULD WORK.”

“Good luck on the Rainbow Road Rally, Rainbow Rash — er, I mean Dash.”

“UNACCEPTABLE!!!” The Rainbow Rash — I mean Dash — got into the car and drove off without waiting for the engine to start. “IS THIS… FUN?”

* * *

At the Rainbow Road Rally, all 12 of the competing Cadillacs were sitting, waiting to receive the starting signal, including the Rainbow Dash’s Cadillac Super Rainbow Dash Sports Edition.

“Fillies and gentlecolts!” announced the announcer at the announcement of the Rainbow Road Rally. “I’m sure you all know why we’re here: the Rainbow Road Rally!”

The entire audience and competitor base shouted: “WE KNOW! STOP BEING REDUNDANT!!!”

“Very well! Without further—”

“Hurry up, guy!” urged the Rainbow Dash.

“3… 2… 1… GO!”

Instantly, the Rainbow Dash could see everything around her stretch in the direction in which was trying to drive. The announcer simply looked like a big blue line to her now. The audience looked like a big grey blob. “Ewww, a blob,” said the Rainbow Dash. Before she could make any further events occur within the synapses in her brain, all the colours in the world… rotated, to become new colours she had never seen before.

From the perspective of Twilight Sparkle, Pinkie Pie and Applejack the horse, however, the Rainbow Dash’s car appeared to temporarily lose all length in place, and giant twin explosions of blood emerged, directed directly in the opposite direction from the front of the Rainbow Dash’s car, and the rear. It splattered some of the audience with drops of blood, causing some of them to yell something related to the blood by which they had just been hit, while other members of the audience weren’t so lucky. The force of the blood drilled into dozens of ponies, tearing away the surface flesh and revealing their ribcages, before grinding them away consecutively. After this, the pressure inside them simply pushed outwards on their shells, causing them to explode in a shower of guts and bones.

So, yeah… it was pretty boring.

A lone, massive, bilateral bloody blast mark remained on the road. The shockwave from the explosion had killed a few other drivers, and the rest had been incapacitated. The audience was completely silent for about 5 seconds.

The announcer had a job to do, and he wasn’t going to give it up just because of some silly little mass accidental death. “Well, I think we can all see that the Rainbow Dash, as always, was the fastest driver!”

Princess Celestia flew down from a platform somewhere to award the Rainbow Dash her trophy, posthumously. “Well done, my little pony,” she said as she smiled caringly, dropping the golden trophy onto the red abstract painting.

Everypony left.

* * *

Pinkie hip-hopped happily down the road next to Twilight, who was riding the Applejack horse. “Wow, that was great! I didn’t expect her to drive that fast!”

“Well, it is to be expected. But, hey, there was one thing I thought was a bit weird. I thought you said the princesses died from depression.”

“I know. It must have been somepony else.”

“Okay then.”

Twilight smiled. It had been an excellent day. “Only that yellow pony is left!”

Chapter 5: Balloon Animals

“Last I heard, the yellow pony was hanging around Stalliongrad, on some sort of ‘top secret espionage mission’ or something,” Pinkie told Twilight. “I don’t know the details, but she’s right here, in Moosecow.”

Fluttershy nearly jumped out of her coat, which, incidentally, she wasn’t currently wearing, for whatever reason. She may have also let out an annoying shriek. “P-P-Pinkie? What in Equestria — or, in this case, not in Equestria — are you doing here?” She did a double-take, checking to see if the enemy had spotted her. It didn’t appear so. “How did you find me? This was meant to be TOP SECRET!” she whispered — rather loudly, considering that she was whispering.

“Yellow pony, Pinkie isn’t the only one here. It’s-a me! Sparklio!” Twilight added, while spinning around superfluously.

“Sparklio? Oh, wow! I haven’t seen you for 28 years and 2 days!” Fluttershy exclaimed ecstatically. “It almost feels like it’s been 28 years and 3—”

“Yes, well… let’s get right to business,” Twilight interrupted. “I wish to perform an experiment on you.”

“An experiment…? What for?”

“Why, for Science, of course!” Twilight proclaimed.

“But what relevance does Science have in today’s world?” Fluttershy asked in utter incredulity. “Everything has already been discovered!”

“Oh. Shut up, I wanna experiment on you. My last 4 experiments at least went off without a hitch.”

“… resulting in how many deaths?”

“… one, two…” Twilight began counting on her fingers, “… sixteen! See how well they worked?”

“YOU KILLED SIXTEEN PONIES?! HOW COULD YOU?” Fluttershy asked under her breath, like always.

“Science!”

Fluttershy quickly discovered that she had been discovered by the enemy, due to all of the loud whispering she was doing, after being hit in the side by a luckily aimed bullet.

The balloon exploded, sending milk everywhere.

Twilight and Pinkie stared on in confusion. “YELLOW PONY!!!” they yelled, shocked.

“It’s okay! I have plenty more where that came from!” Fluttershy said as she emerged from a nearby bunker of some sort.

“YELLOW PONY!!!” Twilight and Pinkie yelled in relief.

“I already told you! It’s fine.” Fluttershy smiled sweetly. “I am able to construct these… constructs… made out of rubber, using my Devil’s Fruit power from the LDPE LDPE fruit.”

“Woooow…” said Pinkie and Twilight in unison.

“After that, I can fill them up with milk and then manipulate them, using my life force, or Nen.”

Twilight had suddenly become sceptical. “Okay, okay. Nen? Stop talking crap and tell us what’s really going on!”

“No, it’s really true! Before I became a professional Hunter, I had to pass a secret exam by learning Nen!” Fluttershy seemed to deflate a little. “Admittedly, though, I did use a bit of Haki to sway the judges.”

“Oh, shut up. I want to experiment on you NOW!” Fluttershy ‘eeped’. “Obviously this isn’t your real body, so tell us where you are!”

“Yeah, yellow pony!” teased Pinkie, with an angry face which almost rendered her unrecognizable, sporting a mysterious sombrero.

“Never!” Fluttershy grew massive and her legs stretched, carrying her into the distance. “I bet I have a higher bounty than you! You’ll never catch me alive!”

Then she was gone.

“Dammit! Now we’ll have to find her on our own!” Twilight seethed. “I’mma gonna cut her up sooo bad!”

* * *

On their adventure into the enemy’s military encampment, Twilight and Pinkie ran into an array of enemy soldier meese. Twilight crushed every one effortlessly, and now she was starting to get bored.

“Come oooon! Universe, give me something good to kill!”

The Universe was a little taken aback by this, but nonetheless heeded Twilight's request. "Okay. Have a Super Mutant Behemoth."

"Umm..." Twilight shuddered, thinking of the last time she had seen one of these bastards; it had killed her entire family. Naturally, she fell into an unnecessarily long flashback:

~X o X~

"Honey, I told you already: I won't let you keep your damn hats in MY HOUSE! ... Yes! Even if there are only two of them! ... OH SHUT UP! I DON'T CARE IF THEY COST YOU 5000 BITS! To be honest, I don't even love you anymore! I could never let you keep your property here if I had no reason! ...  OH, FUCK YOU!" Father Sparkle slammed the cell phone on the table, startling both Twilight and Mother Sparkle. "Oh, sorry."

"Honey, who was that?"

"Oh, just a telemarketer. I can't stand them! Always ringing you on the phone here and there! Why don't they ever learn that you're just NOT INTERESTED?" Father Sparkle sat down on the tram seat and tore all of his hair out. "You know what? I should prank them next time. Maybe give them a taste of their own medicine. Heh heh."

*ring ring*

"GIVE ME A BREAK!" Sparkle picked up the phone again, taking a voluminous breath.

"Hello, Mr. Father Sparkle. I am a representative of the National Gov—"

"OOOOH!!! YOU'RE NOT A TELEMARKETER!!! WHAT A RELIEF!!!" Sparkle shouted as loud as was physically possible for his body. The energy being emitted was enough to deafen — neigh, blind — nearby tram commuters. It was, in fact, so loud that his own muzzle was torn apart, leaving a mushy red manifold in which several misaligned teeth were embedded.

"Oh, honey. Why do you do that all the time? You know it just obliterates your face," said Mother Sparkle, as she spat at his face.

Outside the tram, there was a mediocre crashing sound — some ponies would probably say it sounded more like an explosion, which didn't really fit the event following it.

"Ephcuve me, phomeone'v knockin' on va doow."

At the opposite end of the tram, a massive green human covered in weapons and spikes could be seen tearing tram carriages away from the chain and devouring them with extreme prejudice. It was pretty slow, which was irritating, but it finally made it to the carriage which contained Twilight and her family (which doesn't include Shining Armor, since he was adopted).

"HULK SMASH!"

"Aaaahhh! Aaahh! Aah! Aaaaaaaahhhh!" said the Sparkles.

The Super Mutant Behemoth picked up the tram carriage and dropped it down his giant gullet, straight into its stomach. Shockingly, the mixture of hydrochloric acid and various enzymes, including amylase, contained masses of rosebushes, which tore the tram carriage to pieces, crushing every living being inside.

"Aw shit, I gone and died, didn't I?" said the red unicorn.

~X o X~

When Twilight came to, she wished she hadn't been so susceptible to flashbacks.

Promptly, she repeated the exact same flashback.

"Dammit!" By the time she had properly regained consciousness, the Super Mutant was nowhere to be seen. Pinkie burped, splattering bits of gore on the ground. "Ha! Nice!"

"Indeed. 'Twas far too significant an event for my primitive brain to process," noted Pinkie.

"Well, now that that bullcrap is out of the way, we'd better make a move."

"The yellow pony is a pegasus, so she's probably up high somewhere."

"Jeez, you too? Why are ponies falling for all these silly stereotypes?" Twilight asked, shaking her head.

* * *

Twilight and Pinkie found Fluttershy at the top of the tallest tower in the universe.

"Shut up, Pinkie."

"Oh no! You found me!" said Fluttershy, cheesily cowering in the corner of the room.

"Of course we did. Yellow is the most obvious colour in the world."

"But... no-one has ever encroached upon my range before..."

"Range? I think you mean domain..." Twilight pointed out, helpfully.

"No, my house is more on the Y axis than on the X axis, so it's actually range."

"Very well," Twilight breathed out heavily. "The only use you have for me now, in terms of experimentation, is that you may be tortured so that I can analyse the consistency and attributes of your blood." She pulled a large (at least), chrome barrel from her pocket.

"What... what is that?" asked Fluttershy.

Twilight pressed a large red button located on the top of the chrome oddity, causing a multitude of weapon-shaped devices to emerge from its depths: a weapon visually similar to a harpoon gun, five harpoon-shaped munitions, a large hunting knife with a broad outer curve and a serrated edge on the inner curve, a set of seven whips, from one with a small, conical point to one with a large, stellated polyhedral piece of metal attached its end, and a 'sword' with a brutal amount of heavily serrated 'blades', all of which seem to intersect at the center axis.

"Twilight... w-what are those... for?" asked Fluttershy, who was slowly going into shock.

"Why, you, of course!" Twilight picked up the smallest whip and flailed it around a bit. "Want a taste?"

"Twilight, please don't—" Fluttershy was interrupted by a swift snap of the whip, which nicked her face, leaving a minor bruise and eliciting a small squeal from her.

"There; how does that taste?" Twilight teased, running the end of the whip over her tongue.

"P-painful... ow..."

"Painful? Is that all? You want something tastier? How about this?" As Twilight ended her sentence, she dropped the small whip to the ground, picking up the large, morningstar-like whip, before twisting the grip upwards in front of Fluttershy's face and slamming the spiked ball into her stomach, which caused her to lurch backwards slightly.

Fluttershy bent over, almost losing her footing — or 'hoofing', get it? — and coughed up a small amount of a creamy white fluid.

"Oooh, what's this?" Twilight asked, levitating a drop of the fluid up to her mouth to taste it. "Milk? Is that it?"

Fluttershy didn't say anything.

"Giving me the silent treatment, eh? I'll fix that!" Twilight lifted the flail above her head and started spinning it around at a reasonable rate, before giving it a small burst of momentum and allowing the mace to connect with Fluttershy's bruised cheek, smashing her lower jaw.

Fluttershy remained silent for a few seconds, then looked up at Twilight, and seemed to gain a will to survive, or at least to escape. She managed to get three words out: "I'll stop this!".

Before she could act, however, she found she had been levitated about a foot into the air, and Pinkie was aiming a large object at her, with a spiked hook at the end. "NO!!!" the battered yellow pegasus screamed.

Pinkie fired a harpoon at Fluttershy, hitting her in the left rear leg, dragging her body across the room in order to pin her to the wall in an awkward position, leaving a long trail of milk. "Hah! Bull's eye!"

"P-Pinkie, please don't—" Fluttershy found that she had been hit again, this time in the right front leg, moving her body into a slightly more natural position, splattering the wall. Fluttershy screamed.

"Aww, is it getting to be a bit too much for you, yellow pony?" Twilight teased again, laughing at Fluttershy. "Well, there's more whence that came!"

"Tw-Twilight..."

"Yes, say my name!"

"Twiiilight..."

Twilight took the harpoon gun-like weapon from Pinkie and nailed the pathetic pegasus' remaining legs to the wall. Fluttershy flapped her wings as some sort of fight or flight response, before stopping. She had her head plastered to the wall and whimpered in pain.

"Yep, that's what I like to hear!" Twilight said, dropping the gun. She picked up her super-sword and smacked it across Fluttershy's head, stripping some of the flesh, which caused her to start bleeding milk on the floor again. Her head fell from its position against the wall, instead hanging around lazily, facing in Twilight's general direction. Her eyes blinked arrhythmically.

Twilight was on a roll. She aimed the point of the sword at Fluttershy's belly and thrust, easily piercing the flesh and embedding itself through Fluttershy's digestive system, creating a massive hole through which it could emerge, and into the wall to which she was presently stuck. Twilight let out another loud laugh, before letting go of the sword and picking up the hunting knife. She violently stabbed Fluttershy's torso 17 times, forcing her to start vomiting both what she had eaten and the inexplicable amount of milk stored in her body. Twilight decided to dispose of the knife by solidly shoving it down into Fluttershy's ribcage, so that it wouldn't move.

Fluttershy coughed and vomited again. "Fwweerrrgghh..." she pointed out.

"Pinkie, finish her off, will you?"

"Will do!" Pinkie said cheerfully. She picked up the harpoon gun and noted the warning message: 'WARNING: DO NOT AIM AT FACE.' She thought for a second and decided, "Meh, what difference is one time gonna make?" She proceeded to carefully aim the weapon directly at Fluttershy's head and fired.

Fluttershy could see everything that was happening, the moment Pinkie pulled the trigger, the inconceivable amount of pain, the profuse bleeding and the puddle it had created. "Awww..." The harpoon made its way to her face, inch by inch. "Nooo... stoooop thissss..." It was more clearly moving towards her lower jaw: a weak spot. "You don't have to—" she got out, before the munition touched her chin, deflecting her face. It went further into Fluttershy's upper neck, its route being slightly modified by the collision, and travelled straight through her brain, blasting it apart and killing her, before shattering her skull and, yet again, splattering the wall with a large deposit of milk.

"It was nice to see you again... yellow pony," Twilight said simply, leaving the room with Pinkie following closely behind her.

"See you next time!"

Chapter 6: The Grand Ending

This fic done been cancelled. Sorry folks!