DOCTOR, HEAL THYSELF
"Hello, Canterlot, this is Doctor Frasier Mane on the Doctor Frasier Mane show. I'm listening," the Doctor's deep voice reverberated through the airwaves over the capital city of Equestria.
"We have a caller on line one," his producer, Roz, informed him in her pack-a-day smoker voice.
"Yes, Fleur in Canterlot. Go ahead, I'm listening."
"Hello, Doctor Mane. I have a bit of a problem. I'm kind of... how should I put this? Anorexic?"
"And how bad is this problem?"
"I only eat a few blades of grass every day. I've lost ten pounds."
"And why is that, Fleur?"
"Well, I am worried that ponies won't think that I'm beautiful if I weigh too much," she replied.
"Now, Fleur. You're fine just the way you are. You mustn't let other ponies' opinions of you control your life," he said with a consoling tone.
"Yeah, I guess you're right, Doctor Mane. But how do I tell myself that it's okay to eat?"
"Now, we have to take a quick commercial break. Stay on the line and we'll continue this discussion," Frasier said, taking off his headphones. He stepped outside into the hallway for a bit of fresh air.
"Hey Frasier, I'm annoying," said Bulldog, another radio show personality.
"Well, at least you're being blunt about it," Frasier scoffed back at him.
"Frasier! Frasier!" The psychiatrist heard a voice that was even more pretentious than his. He turned around and saw his brother, Niles Mane, prancing towards him in the hallway.
"Niles, what is it? I'm right in the middle of a show," Frasier asked.
"Yes, I know, Frasier. But I've just been invited to the social event of the YEAR."
"Of the year? Even more than the Summer Sun Celebration?"
"Oh, much more."
"More than the Erudite Elite Exposition?"
"Yes."
Frasier paused for a moment, and then asked, "More than the Grand Galloping Gala?"
"I..." Niles took a deep breath, and then responded, "Yes, I think so."
"Goodness, Niles! What is it?"
"It's a new alliteratively-named social event called the Canterlot Upper-Crust Convention!"
Frasier gasped, and replied, "Dear Celestia! When is it?"
"It's this evening at six. Hoity Toity is having the event as his estate. It's white tie, so we'll have to wear tuxedos."
"Six? That's only two hours from now!"
"Yes, that's why I came here to tell you," Niles said.
"But my show is supposed to go on for two more hours! I won't have enough time to get ready and get to the event! I'm not even dressed properly!" he said.
"Frasier, you aren't even dressed at ALL," Niles said, motioning towards Frasier's unclothed, buff stallion bod which was way too muscular for somepony who had probably never picked up a dumbbell in his life.
"Goodness, I'll have to cancel tonight's show," he said, running back inside the booth.
"Roz, put on some Best-of Frasier and tell Miss Fleur that I must attend to an emergency."
"Sure, Frasier. What emergency? Is everthing alright?"
"Yes, everything's fine. I just have to go to a function."
"A function? Why can't it wait? Can't you just do your show? I mean, this is your job, after all."
"No, because if I do the show then I will be late, and other ponies will have a negative opinion of me!"
"What happened to not letting others' opinions of you run your life?" she asked.
"Um... er... THAT'S DIFFERENT!" he bellowed.
"Doctor, heal thyself," Roz sighed. In the background, canned laughter could be heard.
NERVOUS AT NERVOSA
Frasier and Niles approached the counter at Café Nervosa, where they had stopped on the way to Frasier's house. If he wanted to make it in time for the Canterlot Upper-Crust Convention, he would need a pick-me up.
"I'll take a cafe mocha grande, please," Frasier said.
"I'll take a sugar-free venti latte cafe frappe mocha espresso kappa-sigma delta quatro, please," Niles said. Frasier looked at him puzzlingly.
"Oh, and hold the whipped cream," Niles added.
"That'll be ten bits," the pimply-faced cashier said. Niles and Frasier levitated some bits over to him. Yeah, they're unicorns; what else did you expect?
"Here's your coffee, sirs," the waitress said, giving it to them.
"Thanks," they said, and they sat at their favorite spot in the whole café, right by the front door. Though it offered a great view of Canterlot, it also provided hilarious drama since ponies always walked in who they didn't want to see. And that happened on just this occasion as Fleur De Lis walked in.
"Time for another coffee to suppress my appeti—Doctor Mane?" she said.
"Uh, hello, who might you be?" he asked.
"I'm Fleur De Lis. I called into your show today, and your call screener told me that you had to go for an emergency."
"Oh, well, yes; it IS an emergency," said Frasier, "We were simply stopping here for a quick cup of coffee. We're going to be up all night, I think."
"Why's that?"
"Oh, well, my father. He, um... he needs to, er..." Frasier started. He was trying to think of something urgent enough to require him to leave his show, but non-urgent enough that he could still stop for coffee.
"He needs for us to give him his pills!" said Niles.
"Why can't he take them himself?"
"Well, he's awfully senile and doesn't take them very well, so we have to hold him down and force him!" Frasier said.
"Oh."
"Yes. Normally our live-in maid, Daphne, does it, but she's um.. out of town! Yes, that's it! Out of town, so we have to do it," Frasier said in such a way that it was obvious to any second-grader that he was lying. But nevertheless, Fleur still bought it, since that's what happens on the show.
"That's too bad. Well, good luck," she said, and walked towards the register.
"Thanks," the brothers both responded in unison. With that, they quickly scampered out of the doors towards the Elliot Bay Towers, Frasier's apartment. Don't ask me why it's named after a bay even though Canterlot is entirely land-locked.
SUITED STALLION
Frasier walked over to his wine cabinet and poured a glass of Sherry for himself and his brother.
"Thanks, Frasier," Niles said, levitating the glass to his lips and taking dignified, small sips as a socialite ought to.
"What, you're not gonna offer me any?" the brothers' father, Martin Mane, asked. He was reclining on an ugly old lay-z-boy chair that he got back in the 70's when its chartreuse-and-burgundy stripes looked good. Just kidding, it looked like crap back then, too.
"No, because your taste buds are not refined enough to appreciate such a thing!" Frasier responded, "Besides, you have a beer in your hoof right now."
"Oh, yeah, I guess I do," Martin said, and chugged the entire thing. He gave the can to his pet dragon, Eddie, who carried it in his mouth towards the trash can.
"So what are you boys up to?" he asked.
"We have a social event that we have to attend!" said Niles Mane.
"And I have to get dressed! I've already probably wasted too much time!" said Frasier. With a white flash and a bang, he teleported off to his wardrobe.
"HAVE to, or WANT to?" Martin asked Niles.
"We simply must if we are to maintain our status as Canterlot elite!" Niles said.
"Sounds to me like you're letting yourself get dragged into these things," he responded, "Why don't you just live your own life and who cares what they think?"
Niles gasped, shocked at his father's suggestion. With another flash, Frasier returned dressed in a fancy tuxedo.
"How do I look?" he asked.
"Oh, you look just smashing if I do say so meself!" It was not Niles who said this, but rather Daphne, an earth mare who had just walked through the door.
"Why, thank you, Daphne," Frasier said.
Niles looked down at himself. He realized that he was not dressed nearly as well as Frasier. As he had a secret love for Daphne, he could not let her see him worse-dressed than his brother!
"Um, Frasier, I have something I have to go do," he said. He set his glass of sherry on the coffee table and retreated into the hallway outside of Frasier's apartment. Frasier, knowing what his brother was doing, followed him.
"Niles, knock it off! I know you have a crush on Daphne and don't want her to see me better-dressed than you, but this is ridiculous!" he said, and pushed his brother back into the apartment.
"Well, Frasier, we have to go anyway," he said, "We have to stop by my house; I still haven't gotten dressed, myself!"
"True," Frasier responded.
"We'll see you both later this evening!" he called back in through the door of his apartment.
"Toodles!" said Daphne.
"Don't let the door hit your posh plots on the way out," said Martin.
MARIS IS MOLTING
The Mane brothers walked into the doors of Niles' estate on the other side of Canterlot.
"So, it will just be in and out and I will get my tuxedo on, and we can go," Niles said.
"Sounds good to me, Niles."
Niles walked up the staircase towards his room. However, after a few seconds, Frasier heard a feminine shriek.
"Maris? Is that you screaming?" Frasier yelled up to see if Niles' wife Maris would answer.
"No... that was me," Niles responded, "Maris is... well, she's..."
"What?"
"She's molting, Frasier," Niles shuddered.
"What, is she a snake?"
"No, just a pegasus. And this time of year is molting season for them. I was shrieking at the sight of her bare, bony wings," Niles said.
"I've never heard of such a thing," Frasier responded.
"Um... I think it's just her who does it. But anyway, I walked in on her, and in her hormonal molting rage, she kicked me out of the bedroom and locked the door behind me and told me not to come back until she was done! And that could take hours."
"But Niles, what about your tuxedo?"
"It's in the wardrobe which is in my bedroom!"
"Then what will you wear?"
"I don't know, Frasier!"
"Hmm... well I only have one tuxedo, so I can't loan you mine. I guess we could rent one."
"Rent a tuxedo? Absolutely not! I shall not be caught dead wearing a rented tuxedo!"
"Then I guess you can't go, Niles."
"ME? But I'm the one who Hoity Toity invited! If I'm not there, you won't be let in, either!"
"Hmm... well, I know one thing that we can do..." Frasier said.
THE CANTERLOT UPPER-CRUST CONVENTION
"Mane, Niles," Niles Mane said to the doorpony at Hoity Toity's estate. He was wearing Frasier's tuxedo.
"Ah, yes, here you are. Are you bringing any guests?" he asked.
"My brother, Frasier."
"And where is he?"
"He had to go and give some pills to our father. He needs them every two hours, you know, and he can't take them himself since he has to be restrained."
"Ah. Well, when Frasier gets here, I'll let him in for you," the doorpony said. He lifted up the red-velvet rope barrier and allowed Niles in.
Niles walked towards the ballroom where dozens of fancy, elite ponies danced and talked with each other.
"Ah, Doctor Mane, so glad you could make it!" Hoity Toity said as Niles walked by him, "and I must compliment you on your tuxedo. Why, you very well might be the best-dressed of the evening!"
"Thank you, Mr. Toity. Um, if I may ask, where is your bathroom?"
"I have twenty of them; you must be more specific."
"Um... a private one without one of those stallions who stand there and give you towels," Niles clarified.
"Really? That's an odd request, but I suppose you are the guest, after all. There's one on the second floor, past the spiral staircase to your right, just next to the suit of armor." Hoity Toity responded.
"Thank you." Niles ran off in that direction. He reached the bathroom and walked in. He looked around. There was a bidet; there was also toilet paper made of dollar bills. Or, I guess, bit bills.
So ponies have a choice of exactly how fancily they want to wipe their flanks, Niles thought, Brilliant!
He found that the bathroom had a window. Perfect! He opened the window and saw his brother standing on the ground below.
"I'm up here," Niles yelled.
"Good! I'm coming up!" With a flash of light, the elder Mane brother appeared inside of the bathroom next to Niles.
"Alright, now I'll put it on and go enter the party," Frasier said. Niles undressed and Frasier put on his tuxedo. He then teleported back down towards the ground and walked to the doorstallion.
"Mane, Frasier," he said.
"Ah, the brother of Niles. Welcome," the doorpony said, and he let Frasier in.
Frasier, too, walked towards the ballroom and shook hooves with Hoity Toity.
"Thank you for having me into your home," he said.
"You're quite welcome," Hoity Toity responded, "Niles' brother, eh? I believe I've heard you on the radio before. I must say, that's a smashing ensemble you are wearing! It's almost as nice as your brother's. Though, I think yours might have a lower thread-count."
"Yes, he does make more money than I do," Frasier said to the socialite, and decided to respond to malarkey with malarkey, "His is sewn with those new micro-threads."
"Micro-threads?"
"Yes, the ones made of thread which is engineered to be just five atoms wide. The thread count is in the millions, and so is the price tag!"
"Ah. Either way, you would be a candidate for best-dressed as well."
"Thank you, sir."
Frasier walked off to the ballroom and glanced around. It was quite a display to behold. There was a crystal chandelier which was made of real diamonds. Rather than a chocolate fountain, there was a solid-gold fountain of caviar which ponies dipped dainty crackers into. The dance floor was marble that was so smooth that ponies were slipping around. In fact, it had been magically enchanted to have absolutely no friction.
"Ah, Doctor Mane!" Frasier looked behind himself to see Prince Blueblood.
"Hello, Prince Blueblood. How is life?"
"Oh, it's going well," he responded, "just working on my books."
"That's nice," Frasier replied, "You know, when you sell a book, you aren't just selling a book, you're selling your personality. I do that every day on the radio!"
"I'll bear that in mind," he said.
Frasier walked off and saw Fancy Pants, who bid him hello.
"Why, if it isn't Frasier Mane himself!" Fancy Pants said.
"Hello, Mr. Fancy Pants," Frasier responded.
"Why, that ought to be YOUR name. Look at your tuxedo! I would have to say that the thread count is somewhere in the upper thousands!"
"Millions, actually. It's micro-thread," Frasier responded, perpetuating the lie.
"The new thread that's scientifically engineered to be 1/10th of a micrometer thick?" Fancy Pants asked, "Ah yes! How on Equestria could you afford it?"
"Um..." Frasier responded. He had made up the micro thread! It actually EXISTED?
"Well, I'll have to vote for you as best-dressed, then."
"That's... um... wait, that's an actual contest? I thought—"
"Ah, if it isn't Frasier again," Fleur De Lis said, pulling Frasier away from Fancy Pants.
"Oh, hello, Fleur."
"Is your father okay?"
"Yes, he's fine—"
"You know, I can't bear to be here. Those hors d'oeuvres look so good, but I can't eat a thing without putting on weight! You're a psychologist, what should I do to make it through this party?" Her teeth gritted as she tried to suppress her hunger.
"FRASIER! COME UP HERE!" Frasier heard his brother's voice in his head. Niles was using telepathic magic to contact him! That, or the psychiatrist had developed schizophrenia. How ironic would that be.
"I'll be right there," he responded.
"Listen, Fleur, I have to go..."
"Oh, and give your father his pills? I understand. Fine. Just leave me here with my disorder. I see how it is!" She scowled.
"No, it's not like that at all! Listen, my brother needs me. I'll be back."
He ran upstairs to the bathroom and opened the door. Niles said, "I haven't gotten to enjoy this party at all! Give me the tuxedo!"
"Well, normally I would say no, but since you just saved me from a patient who happens to be here, I say go for it," Frasier said, removing his tuxedo.
"A PATIENT? Ah, that's laughable, calling the callers to your show 'patients.' I suppose if you must use pretentious wordplay to make yourself seem legitimate, then you must."
"Niles! If you berate my profession again then I shall leave the tuxedo on!"
"Oh, don't call what you do a 'profession.' It's mere 'pitching' at best."
"What? You compare me to a SALESPONY?"
The two brothers continued to argue. Outside, Fancy Pants passed by the door.
He called out to the brothers, "Ah, there you two are! I thought I heard your voices. Come on out and downstairs, you've won the prize for best-dressed stallions of the night!"
Frasier spoke telepathically to his brother, "What do we do, Niles?"
"I don't know, Frasier. There's one tuxedo, but we've BOTH won the award!"
"Hmm... Ah, our father," Niles mentally said.
"Well, we have to go and give our father his pills! It's about that time!" Niles called out through the door to Fancy Pants.
"It's been taken care of. When Fleur De Lis told Hoity Toity that you had to go, he sent his servants to give your father his pills."
(At that exact moment at the Mane residence, two stallions burst through the apartment doors and held Martin Mane down. He struggled as they forced a pill down his throat. In the ensuing mess, Niles' glass of sherry which he set on the coffee table was knocked onto the floor.)
At Hoity Toity's, Niles called out to Fancy Pants through the door, "Okay, we'll be out in a minute!"
"Frasier, we have to split the tuxedo. You wear the trousers, and I'll wear the jacket!"
"What? NO! I get the jacket! It's MY tuxedo!
"Fine."
The brothers emerged from the bathroom, each wearing one part of the tuxedo.
"Well, that's funny," said Fancy Pants, "Why aren't you each wearing a tuxedo?"
"Oh, well..." Niles answered. He couldn't let them know that he didn't have one!
"We didn't want either one of us to overshadow the other. I mean, it is both of our awards, after all."
"Ho ho ho! You two are really quite funny," Fancy Pants responded, "but I don't know if Hoity Toity and the others share your sense of humor. If I were you, I'd put on the rest of your outfits."
"No," Frasier said.
"Ah, well, suit yourselves. Get it? Suit yourselves! Ho ho ho!"
"It's hilarious," Frasier said. They both walked downstairs just as Hoity Toity was reading off the nominees.
"And the trophy for best-dressed this year goes to TWO stallions, since they both received an equal number of votes: Frasier Mane and Niles Mane for their micro-thread tuxedo!"
The brothers both walked onstage and the crowd gasped at their half-nakedness. Nopony said anything for about ten seconds.
"Frasier, this is mortifying! We have to do something to take the attention off of us!" Niles said in his brother's mind.
"I know just the thing," Frasier responded.
He broke the silence and shouted, "Fleur! I have the solution to your hunger! Caviar has zero calories!"
"WHAT? REALLY? WHY DIDN'T ANYPONY TELL ME!" Fleur shouted as she ran for the caviar fountain. She dove into the fountain and shoveled the caviar into her mouth.
"I REGRET NOTHING!" she screamed through mouthfuls of it. Two security guards approached her, but she bucked them both back onto the frictionless dance floor. The guards in turn hit two other ponies, who hit two others, and soon every pony in the room was slipping and sliding around.
"Jolly good fun!" Fancy Pants said, skating around on the floor. He seemed to actually be enjoying it.
"Quick, while their eyes are off of us!" Frasier said, teleporting away with a bang. Niles followed, and they were both back in their carriage outside.
"Wow. I don't know if we can ever show our faces at Hoity Toity's again," said Frasier.
Niles responded, "Yes, well, at least we aren't the number one laughing stock there. That honor goes to Fleur. But no honor to you. Exploiting your patient's mental illness for your own gain? How unprofessional!"
"Oh, NOW she's my patient instead of a mere caller?" Frasier quipped. The two continued to bicker as the credits and theme song rolled.
Back in the apartment, Eddie the dragon lapped up Niles' spilled sherry from the floor.
