A Retard In Equestria

by Chuckward

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Random, Human, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1044

A brave, special little boy hugs Twilight Sparkle.

A retard goes to Equestria. A brave, special little boy hugs Twilight Sparkle.

Published 2013-06-18 21:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-18 21:40:02 UTC

I like da ponies1

Once upon a time, a retard sat at his computer, hastily typing YouTube comments. His crooked fingers clacked sloppily against his keyboard as wave after wave of autism oozed all over the comments section.

As he typed, the retard thwacked his head against the wall next to him and began to hit himself in the chest.

"Durr, I like pudding," he said as he closed Internet Explorer and put on his Superman cape," look mommy, I'm a superhero."

"Yes that's nice, son," the retard's mom gave a slight glance past her newspaper, then threw up in her mouth a bit. Despite the years of being burdened with this stupid, unbearable beast, she had never quite gotten over his stupid, repugnant face.

The retard's sunken, crooked eyes disturbed his mother to no end, and the under bite, spaced-out teeth, and copious amounts of drool didn't help either.

After a few minutes of sprinting around the house, the retard decided to sit down and turn on the television.

Lucky for him, the retard was greeted with his favorite show: My Little Pony. He clapped and drool flew everywhere as the retard enjoyed the colorful horses on the screen. Truth be told, he didn't really understand what was going on, he just enjoyed the bright colors.

The retard's mother walked into the hallway and began sobbing. After years of dealing with such a stupid subhuman abomination, she had slowly broken down into an incurable bout of depression. The only time that the mother had to cry and cut herself, was when her retarded dipshit-son was watching ponies.

She thought back to when she first found out how retarded her son was. It had been a late summer day, and she had taken him for a routine check-up. The doctor had told them of the unfortunate news.

"I'm sorry, but we showed your son an episode of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic," said the despondent doctor," and he liked it."

The mother brought her hands over her mouth and gasped," You mean he's?"

"Yes, your son is a brony, and is therefore retarded."

That had been but a few years ago. It was on that day that her husband had left, stating that a retard had killed his father in the past, and he couldn't bear to be around the disgusting slime-ball. She had wept on that day, not for her husband, but at the thought of being burdened with a special person.

Now, two years later, she found herself on the verge of suicide.

The mother took one more glance at her son. He was singing that horrible "Winter Wrap Up" atrocity, and sounded more tone-deaf than Christina Aguilera and Will.I.Am. combined.

The sound of the retard song was simply too much for the mother, and she ran into the kitchen and slit her throat.

The retard continued to sing, and as it turns out, the vibrations in his voice were just autistic enough for them to mix with the song. As this happened, the glass on the television screen warped until it oozed onto the carpet and surrounded the retard. Being too stupid to notice, the retard kept singing, as his entire body was surrounded in magical, melted glass.

The glass pulsed and writhed as it pulled the still singing retard into the television.

The magical glass dumped the retard into a heap of snow, and when he emerged from the slush, the retard was greeted with something truly magnificent.

Hundreds of bright, colorful ponies were dancing and singing around him, and the retard laughed and clapped harder than ever before.

"Winter wrap up, winter wrap up!" sang the excited idiot, as several ponies began to take notice of the strange and annoying creature in their midst. Many of the ponies fled in terror for the millionth time, but like twelve or so remained out of sheer curiosity as to what the hideous beast might be.

"Why did you guys stop singing?" Said the stupid retard with a slow slur.

Twilight Sparkle, ever the adventurer, decided to approach the creature, if for no other reason than to find out what it was.

"Um, no disrespect," said Twilight as she tried to be as selective as possible with her words," but just who...and what are you?"

The retard jumped up, eliciting gasps from everypony. He pointed at himself and proudly proclaimed," I am Chunk, and my mommy says I'm special."

Twilight looked at the disgusting creature's ugly, misshapen teeth. Whatever it was, it clearly needed to work on its oral hygiene.

"Well um, Chunk...welcome to Ponyville," said Twilight as she approached the creature, now almost completely certain that it wasn't dangerous.

"PONY FRIEND!" Chunk said as he quickly grabbed Twilight and gave her a big retard-hug. Unfortunately for Twilight, all retards have the strength of ten men, so she found herself unable to breath. Eventually, the massive hug crushed Twilight's rib cage, sending skeletal shrapnel into her heart and lungs.

The hug continued for about ten more minutes until Chunk released Twilight from his vice grip. Twilight's dead carcass landed with a plop directly in front of her friend.

One week later:

"Chunk, for the murder of Twilight Sparkle, you shall die, any last words?" said a generic Royal Guard.

Chunk looked around. He was currently tied up, with his head under the blade of a guillotine. Chunk was still happy though, he was surrounded by colorful pastel ponies, and that's all that really mattered to him.

Clearing his throat, Chunk gazed upon the crowd.

"To fear death, my friends, is only to think ourselves wise, without being wise: for it is to think that we know what we do not know. For anything that men can tell, death may be the greatest good that can happen to them: but they fear it as if they knew quite well that it was the greatest of evils. And what is this but that shameful ignorance of thinking that we know what we do not know? " With those final words, Chunk rested his head upon the small stool in front of him.

The last sound Chunk heard was that scraping of metal against wood, and the cries of bloodlust from the crowd.