When Finland Invaded Equestria
Applejack’s day had been just like any other. The sun was setting as she trod on a path close to the Everfree Forest, smiling after a hard day of work. That’s when she hear a strange voices shouting something in the forest, and stopped to listen.
“Mitä helevettiä, Erkki? Tää oli saatana myrkkyviinaa!” shouted a low and manly voice. Applejack heard something shattering, and fell prone onto the ground. What kind of language is that? she thought.
Sounds of a fierce argument soon followed – what exactly was said, Applejack couldn’t decipher, but noticed three different voices. She rolled her eyes and rose up. Might as well check out what the hay is going on. Applejack carefully walked towards the voices, until she arrived to edge of a clearing. Inside, three two-legged creatures were engaged in a melee fight, beating each other with their forelegs. They had short hair on their heads, but seemed to lack any other sort of bodily fur. All were dressed up in grey uniforms, and some kinds of rifles were strapped onto their backs.
“Ehm, dear… creatures..” Applejack started, cringing when all three of the creatures froze and turned to face her. They stared in silence for what were minutes.
“Eikä… ei… jumalauta, Erkki, me kuoltiin ja ollaan taivaassa,” stated one of the creatures, standing up. ”Ja…”
Another one stood up. ”Hilijaa, kusipää. Ekkö nää ymmärrä lontoota?” he said, then gazed straight into Applejack's eyes. “So you speak London?”
“What?” stammered Applejack. She’d just barely understood what the creature was saying.
“You poni? Talking poni? Speak London?” continued the creature.
Applejack rolled her eyes. “I guess so. Name’s Applejack,” the earth pony said, pointing at herself to help the poor creature understand. “And you are?”
“Oh. I Erkki. I… human.” The creature scratched its head, as if trying to remember something. “This land Karelia? Karelia belong to Finland now. Weird Communist experiment, talking poni.”
“Look, I have no idea what you’re talking about. I take you’re not from these parts?” Applejack was starting to back off. Sweat was dripping off her forehead; the situation was getting a bit too weird even for her.
“This part? No,” answered the creature. The others were paying attention to the conversation, but didn’t appear to understand. “I from Oulu. Part of Great Finland. Karelia new part. We conquer this land. You now citizen of Finland, poni.”
Applejack knew she should’ve been running by now, but her curiosity kept her in place. “What’s the last thing you remember? Pardon me, but I’ve never heard of this Finland. Nor Karelia.”
“Ah…” the human bit its lip. “We drink my vodka. Homebrew. Friend say we die and go to heaven. That possible. But I know this Karelia.”
“Alrighty then, lads… I’ll… get Fluttershy…” Applejack quickly trod back into the cover of trees, leaving the ‘humans’ standing there dumbfounded. They soon resumed their conversation, albeit sounded much more confused this time.
“Mähän sanoin. Me kuoltiin sun viinaan ja mentiin taivaaseen,” stated one voice.
”Paskat. Tätähän on vielä jälelläki. Hyvää ainetta, ei viiti tuhlata!” exclaimed another. Soon, the voices were shouting again, and sounds of punches being traded could be heard. Applejack carefully walked away at first, then broke into a full-speed gallop. What the hay was that? Have I gone mad?
--
Applejack awoke as the first rays of the morning sun painted her room orange. She didn’t feel rested at all; having told nopony about her strange experience to avoid getting odd looks, the thought of the strange creatures had kept her awake. If they’re still there, I really will get Fluttershy, she decided.
After the breakfast, Applejack was once again trotting the familiar path close to the Everfree, pulling an empty cart. Because of the more-than-weird encounter last evening, she kept glancing at the forest. But when she arrived to the spot where she’d heard the humans last night, she could hear nothing – no arguing, no fighting, and not even normal conversation. It was possible that the humans had just moved elsewhere, of course, but Applejack decided that checking would be for the best.
As Applejack made her way through the bushes, a gruesome scene was there to greet her. The three humans lay on the ground, half-empty bottles containing a clear liquid lying next to them. Applejack walked forward, and carefully nudged one of the creatures. It didn’t move. She tried to wake the others up, too, but didn’t get any response whatsoever. Worried about their state, Applejack slid up the eyelids of one – and saw only glassed eyes. Great. They’re dead.
Because of the bizarre nature of the whole incident, Applejack wanted some kind of conclusion, and dragged one of the men onto her cart. She deserved to know at least something. Nurse Redheart would probably be able to tell what had caused the sudden death of the humans – not that Applejack cared, but she felt incredibly curious. And what was this Finland the man had kept rambling about?
Despite getting a few odd looks from passing ponies, Applejack arrived to the hospital without incident, and proceeded through its double doors with her cart. Nurse Readheart was at the reception desk – apparently, it wasn’t a very busy day.
“What brings you here today, Applejack?” asked Redheart, keeping an eye on the cart. “And what, pray tell, is in that cart?”
Applejack shrugged. “Some sort of talking animal. Human, I think. Look, I just want to know how it died – and no questions asked.” Applejack took out a purse full of bits, and handed it to Redheart. “Hope this is enough.”
Redheart took a look at the corpse, then another at the purse. She bit her lip. “Eh… why not. But if it looks like you stabbed him… or her… to death, or anything like that, I’ll have to inform the police.”
“Sure. Just get on with it.”
Shaking her head, Redheart disappeared deeper into the hospital with the cart. Applejack just sat in the reception room, pondering about the possibilities. Did they beat each other to death? Or just… suffocate in an alien atmosphere?
After a few long hours, Redheart came back, carrying a brown bag with her. “Alright, Applejack. The creature was a mammal, so determining the cause of death wasn’t that hard. He died of methanol poisoning.”
Applejack raised an eyebrow. “Metha-what?”
“Methanol poisoning. Methanol is an alcohol, and sometimes is sometimes produced when ponies try to make… hard stuff by themselves.” Redheart threw the bag to Applejack, who caught it with her teeth. “He had this in his possession. I suppose it’s yours now.”
Applejack opened the bag. There wasn’t much inside – a canteen, a rolled-up piece of canvas and some dry rations. Applejack took the canvas out and unfurled it, revealing a white flag with an azure cross on it.
Hrmph. I suppose this would look good on my wall.
Author's Note
Jäger March
