Jesus Christ, how horseifying
It was seven a.m. and I woke up in the morning. I had to be fresh, I had to go down stairs. I had to grab a bowl, had to have cereal. I pulled a box of honey nut cheerios out of the pantry, filling my ceramic bowl with the tiny O's. Cheerios are the most godly of cereals. A healthy heart is a heart fit for loving Jesus, after all.
Once I had my breakfast, I headed back up the stairs and into my room, getting on the computer. I opened internet explorer and instantly turned on A Total Eclipse Of The Heart by Bonnie Tyler. It's such an amaze-o song, I just had to bop my head and sing along. I opened up a new tab and started searching through the world-wide web for new and exciting christian forums. I love God so much, and I absolutely love talking to other like-minded individuals over the internet about our love of God and other things.
Sometimes they're dumb cunts and they have different opinions than me, but I always set them straight with my iron-clad arguments and baseless threats. Such is the christian way. I've read the Bible so many times I lost count, so no one can out-argue me when it comes to christianity.
On the streets they call me MC Christ, 'cuz I'm constantly droppin' rhymes for my main savior up in heaven and saving souls like 'what?'. I crucify the other MC's with my words, spittin' nails like a Roman and crossing out the competition. My lines flow so smooth, they call 'em 'holy water' and use 'em to baptize the unclean, and they're so fresh it's like they've been born again. One day, I know I'll get to meet God and Jesus up in heaven, but until then, I'll just continue serving him in whatever way he wants me to down on Earth. Currently, I was serving him by serving some kids on a Christian forum. The little heretics were all wrong with their interpretations of some Bible verses, so it was up to me to set them straight.
"Listen here you little cum-guzzling worms," I typed angrily, my boney fingers flying across the keyboard like a swarm of blood-thirsty wasps. "I'm here to tell ya'll how little you actually know. Compared to my knowledge of Christ, you guys are fucking choir boys! You hear me? CHOIR BOYS! If I ever catch you typing shit like this again I'll slit your necks and shit down your fucking throats. I'm not even kidding right now, so you better serious the fuck up. Your opinions are so genuinely retarded, I felt my testicles retreating back into my tummy to seek shelter from the massive amounts of autism radiating from your comments. If your idiocy causes me to go sterile, I'll go to a graveyard, pick out the most dried-out cadaver dick I can find, figure out where you all live, and shove it down each of your throats as I ram my own colossal dick up your anuses. I'll rain scalding semen into your colons and burn you with the righteous fury of Christ. You'll be nothing but scorched earth once I'm done. Scorched! Earth!" I finished, pushing 'send'.
I sat back in my chair, satisfied at having set yet another heretic on the path of Christ as I started humming along with Bonnie Tyler again.
"Turn around, bright eyes," whispered a voice from directly behind me. My eye shot open and I swiveled around in my chair, nearly falling over. My heart was thundering in my chest as I, for the first time, laid eyes upon the intruder. I instantly fell to the floor in a deep bow as I realized who it was. I scooted forward, kissing him on the big toe out of respect.
"Jesus? Is it really you?" I asked, punctuating my words with a few more well-placed kisses.
"It is indeed, my child," said Jesus in a voice so divine, it could be mistaken for a kitten mewling in the night. "Stand, I wish to speak with you."
My heart soared. Jesus wanted to talk to me? Oh, he must have come to congratulate me on setting so many heretics on the right path. I pushed myself up off the floor, finally being able to observe Jesus in all his glory for the first time. He wore some kind of skin-tight skin-suit, likely spun from the flesh of a million butchered fetuses. His feet were covered with knee-high socks forged from the hopes of all of humanity, and his head was adorned with a crown made from the melted-down corpses of every U.S. president. He looked absolutely regal, and I had trouble not averting my eyes as his radiance penetrated my retinas.
Not to mention, he was the sexiest man I've ever seen. His skin-tight suit showcased his glorious muscles perfectly, and I felt a bulge growing in my pants as my eyes were drawn to his magnificent six pack. I quickly looked away and tried to cover my shame as my face turned as red as a raspberry. I can hardly imagine anything more embarrassing than getting a boner in front of Jesus. This was a nightmare.
Instead of being angry, though, Jesus just let out an effeminate giggle. "No need to be ashamed, that is the reaction I usually get, to be honest. Now then, let's talk about why I'm here."
Still covering my crotch, I looked back at Jesus, trying to meet his eyes, but instead being blinded by the sheer glory of his exquisite beard. I was forced to look away once again. "Alright, why are you here, my lord?" I felt the need to fall to my knees and shout how magnificent he is, but I managed to keep that urge in check. No doubt God is very busy, so I imagine he doesn't have time to waste for that kind of thing.
"I'll get right to the point. I need your help, Chaz."
I felt my heart skip a beat and my smile stretched wider than I thought possible. "Anything for you, my God. You need only ask!"
"My father and I recently discovered a new dimension inhabited by strange creatures," he started, before gauging my reaction. I was somewhat confused, but continued to listen with utmost interest. "You are a devout follower, and your methods are both direct and effective. I think you would make a perfect champion of Christianity. I need you to go through to the other dimension and convert the locals so they can know my love. Do you accept this challenge?"
He phrased it as a question, but the massive smile on my face made it clear what my answer would be. This was the happiest moment of my life. Jesus himself was asking me to go on a religious crusade for him! I'd be his personal missionary! "Of course I'll go! This is the greatest day of my life!"
I was going to go on, thanking Jesus for giving me this chance to prove my love for him, when he raised a finger, effectively silencing me. Without another word, he made a swishing motion with his wrist. I suddenly felt myself flying back through the air as though something was pulling me in. I craned my head to the side just in time to see a swirling vortex directly behind me. After that, everything was a blur.
--
"Ooooah, my skin," I moaned as I finally came to. The first thing I noticed was how sore I felt. I curled up into a fetal ball, trying to stave off the pain as I moaned like a bitch. It hurt really bad, okay? It's like I rolled down a rocky hill onto a cactus. Not that I'd know what that feels like, mind you, but I have a very active imagination.
After a few minutes, the pain started to lessen, and though my joints still felt stiff, I was able to stretch out and get a feel for what was going on. I cracked my eyes open, taking stock of the tiny field I had found myself in. The grass under me was crushed and burnt, and I noted that my back was positioned on a rather sharp rock. I pulled myself up into a sitting position, taking a moment to rub at my now-bruised spine. Ouch...
I looked around a bit more, noting the thin pine forest that stretched on around me. The last thing I remembered before blacking out was Jesus sending me to a different dimension or something. I always imagined a different dimension would look more, well, different, but I guess God knows best. I mean, just about everything in the area looked like it came directly from a normal pine forest. I reached over, grabbing a pine cone off the ground and examining it. Yep, even the pine cones looked ordinary.
I moved my head in and poked it with my tongue, sliding my meaty organ across its rough surface. Yep, tasted like a pine cone too.
I finally managed to get up on my feet, feeling and hearing some pops as I stretched my back. Now I just had to find the locals and teach them all about Christ through any means necessary. I looked around, hoping to find some sign of civilization and, sure enough, I saw smoke rising up over a hill through the thin layer of trees. No doubt there was a town or city in that direction. Either that or a forest fire, in which case I'm screwed. I shrugged off that idea, though, even going so far as to chuckle a bit. "No, that wouldn't happen. No doubt God's got my back. He wouldn't let me get horribly mangled in some strange dimension or anything," I said to myself.
I took a moment to knock on a nearby tree, hoping that those wouldn't be my famous last words. Either way, I started off in the direction of the smoke. It wasn't particularly easy with how stiff my legs were, but at least the forest wasn't very thick, and there was hardly any undergrowth. Besides, I was making this journey for God, a fact that put an extra bit of spring in my otherwise heavy steps. Thankfully, I always wore shoes around my house because I have a weird aversion to feet, so I had shoes on when Jesus teleported me. Not having shoes and trying to step through all the pine needles would be a nightmare...
I only had to walk about a mile before I was able to see the outskirts of town through the thinning tree line. I couldn't see much, but it looked like a quaint little place. No doubt the population was only a few hundred maximum, unless there were more houses spread around that I couldn't see. I stepped past the last pine tree and into a large field that surrounded the entirety of the small town, heading towards the nearest building. Surprisingly, it looked a lot like a normal-human building.
Jesus had said that the inhabitants of this dimension were 'creatures', implying that they weren't humans, yet everything looked so similar to Earth. I stopped dead in my tracks for a moment. What if I was on Earth still, and this is some kind of elaborate trick?
"Naw," I said to myself, waving that ridiculous idea off with one swish of my arm. Being the gullible Christian that I am, I'll believe anything Jesus says, no matter how little sense it makes from a logical standpoint.
I continued walking towards the building, until I spotted a wooden sign sticking up out of the grass at an angle. It looked like it had been out here for years without being properly taken care of. As I got close I was able to read it. "Welcome to Horseington, home of the slaughtering, cannibalistic horses. Visitors turn back now," I read aloud.
Huh, well that's strange. I wasn't about to follow a dumb, broken sign's command over the command of my lord and savior, though. I had a job to do, and I was going to do it. I continued on, intent on spreading my beliefs to all.
I was about a hundred yards out when I finally saw the first of the locals. One of the doors opened up on the seemingly normal house and out walked a full-grown horse. It waved its blonde mane around and whinnied as it took in the fresh smells of the mid afternoon air. It didn't seem to notice me, though, and it turned and headed into the town proper. I guess the sign was right about the town being inhabited by horses. It made me slightly sick that I would have to spend time around these disgusting beasts, but it was in the name of Jesus, so I wasn't going to complain.
No doubt there would be more of the horses in the center of town, so that's exactly where I'd go. The more locals I could find to preach my truth to, the better. I was a bit apprehensive about entering an alien town full of potentially murderous horses, but I knew God had my back.
I continued walking, finally passing into the town limits. I took a moment to examine the closest building which, at first glance looked like a normal-human home, was actually proportionally larger. Clearly it was built to accommodate horses, so that's not surprising. Aside from being proportionally bigger, the place didn't look very special. It was made of wooden planks with a thatch roof. It would seem the horses weren't the best craftsmen, not that that's surprising considering they have hooves. As I got further into town, the houses began getting closer together and a cobblestone road took shape. I even passed a few horses on the way. They just stared at me with their soulless, black eyes, mouths agape in shock.
I waved at them and gave friendly 'hellos', but they didn't seem too intent on saying anything back. I didn't care much, though. I was looking for a real crowd. A proper group to preach to. As I rounded a corner, I finally found exactly what I was looking for. It looked like some kind of market with dozens of horses browsing various food stands. I smiled to myself, knowing that this was the moment of truth. It was time to show them how capital cool I could be for my main J(esus) in the heezy. It's easy to convert people to your religion if they think you're cool and hip. Luckily for me, I'm so hip, they surgically attach me to old people to help them walk.
I pulled my trusty shades from a coat pocket and slipped them on before popping up my collar. Sunglasses be so swank, dawg. Now that I looked like a certifried gangsta, it was time to act the part, and prove to everyone that I am the coolest guy in town. I began down the road towards the crowd, swag walking like I owned the place. I would own the place soon enough. First I just had to claim it in the name of Jesus, though.
As I got closer, I was able to overhear the horses' conversations. It would seem they spoke English. Thank God. This would really suck otherwise. Their conversations ended the second they noticed me, walking all cool, and a hush fell across the whole plaza as they each turned to look at me. I ignored their staring, though, no matter how rude it was. I'll teach them proper manners soon enough.
I walked up to a nearby stall, taking a look at everything on display. All they had were a bunch of pine cones. Big ones, small ones. Some the size of my head. I gave a quick look around and noticed that all the stalls were filled with pine cones. What the fuck? Do horses eat pine cones? I'm no Equestrian, so I honestly have no idea.
I had to fit in to their culture, though. How could I possibly sell them my beliefs if they can't relate to me? So I grabbed the biggest, meatiest-looking pine cone off the stall, ignoring the angry look from the patron behind it, and I took a big, crunchy bite out of the thing. I felt a tear welling up in my eye as the hard, spiked fruit (pine cones are actually fruit, look it up) tore my mouth apart, but I managed to suppress it, sucking the moisture back into my tear duct via osmosis.
The horses would never respect me if I started crying like a bitch now. I continued to crunch it up a bit more, noting that the taste was actually not that bad when mixed with the copious amount of ironey blood pooling in my mouth, before swallowing the mouthful. I looked around, gauging the horses' reactions. They all continued to stare at me with their disturbing eyes, clearly not knowing what was going on. Now that I had their undivided attention, it was time to get to work.
"Disgusting," I spat. "You guys eat this shit?"
This just seemed to confuse them more. Apparently they've never seen a human before or something. Or maybe they just weren't expecting me to talk. I mean, are there humans here, but they're just stupid like horses on Earth? Do the horses ride them and use them for manual labor? If it turns into Planet of the Horses up in here, I'm going to be seriously upset. Whatever, I can figure that shit out later.
"No wonder you always have long faces, I'd be upset too if all I had in my life were disgusting-ass pine cones," I continued. "Thankfully, I have much more in my life..." I wasn't able to finish and get to the point before one of the horses, a chestnut stallion with a black mane, broke out of his shocked stupor and finally said something.
"Hey boys, it looks like meats on the menu tonight," he reared up, waving his fore legs around threateningly and whinnying for emphasis.
I was somewhat confused by the declaration, until I noticed the confused looks on the nearby horses turning into murderous glares. They smiled with their horrible horse lips, revealing their blunt, buck teeth as they began stepping closer, effectively surrounding me. Now that I think about it, maybe waltzing right into a town full of, as the sign described, slaughtering, cannibalistic horses wasn't such a good idea. I took a few steps back, bumping my back against the stand. I had nowhere to run. I was surrounded and the horses could, no doubt, chase me down easily if I tried to make a break for it. It looked like this was the end...
But then I felt something in my pocket, something I had forgotten about. I looked down and saw a growing lump in my pants. It looked like I was getting a murder boner... Figures, I have a death fetish, after all. But it's not my boner that was important, it's what was tattooed on it that mattered. I pulled out my waste band, looking down at my member and seeing the WWJD inked across the length of my shaft. "What would Jesus do?" I mumbled to myself.
It was then that I knew what had to be done. I couldn't just let the horses consume my flesh and fail Jesus. He sent me because he believed in me, and with him at my back, I can face any obstacle!
I climbed up on the stall, glaring at the closest horse with malice the likes of which has never been seen before while waving my arms around angrily. "You fucking shits, what the fuck do you think you're doing? You don't even know who I am, do you? No, I didn't think so because you're a bunch of retarded-ass horses with tiny cocks!" They stopped their slow advance and stared at me, clearly not sure what to make of this. I would use their confusion and cowardess against them.
"I am the messenger of God himself, and the harbinger of good news. You dare threaten me? If you harm even one hair on me, God will rain lightning down your urethras and disintegrate your testicles! He'll fill your wives' uteruses with sea urchins and send thousands of rats to consume your children in their beds! He'll smite you with holy fire and send your charred corpses to hell where you will be tortured for all eternity in a lake of burning sulfur!" The horses looked horrified now. Clearly my methods were working.
"But," I continued. "If you allow God into your hearts, he'll award you with eternal salvation. I used to be hungry like you, with a hunger that I could never fill. Tell me, will eating my flesh really make you happy? Or will you just want more tomorrow?"
Some of the horses shared confused looks before one decided to answer. "Well I guess, we're always hungry for flesh," it confessed, speaking for the rest.
"See, it's because you don't feed your hearts. You have a great, big hole there that no amount of meat can fill. God can fill you with happiness and love, and you'll never feel that hunger again." By the excited murmuring that went around at that, I knew I was getting to them.
"But we're just simple townsfolk. We're not even those magical ponies with their special cities and such. Why would your God be interested in us?"
Magical ponies? What kind of retard-town did I wander into? Whatever, I'll deal with that later. For now, I just had to focus on manipulating these simple-minded, cowardly abominations. Their brains would be like malleable goo in my fingers. Muahahahaha!
"God loves everyone equally, even simple horses like yourselves." I nearly vomited in my mouth at having to tell them that God loves them as much as he loves humans, but I had to convert them somehow. "Come, let me tell you the story of God and how he created everything and sent his son to die for all of our sins..."
And so I spent hours telling them all about how great God and Jesus are. The retarded horses bought every word of it. By the time I'm through, the whole town will be 100% christian, and any who oppose me shall know God's wrath first-hand.
"So all the people of the world got together, and since they loved God so much, they pooled their resources and knowledge into creating a giant tower to reach to the heavens. That way, they could spend time with God. Naturally, God, in His infinite wisdom, destroyed their tower and spread them all to different corners of the world. Then He made them all speak different languages so that they could no longer communicate and befriend one another," I said, continuing my daily sermon. The horses around me were enraptured by my stories of God and His loving brutality. He's so great.
It had been little over a week since I first arrived in this filthy town, and I'd already won most of the inhabitants over with my preaching. It turns out retarded, outcast, inbred horses are easy to convert to christianity. Who would have guessed? I even told the idiots that God would forgive them for all their sins, even the massive amounts of murder and cannibalism that they had committed thus far. The fools actually believed me, not even realizing that murder is one of the worst sins someone can commit. I successfully had the whole town wrapped around my finger.
Well, the majority of the town, anyway. There was a small group of horses that still denied my truth. The blasphemous curs spoke out against God and tried to get the other townsfolk to go against me. They had to be stopped before they became a problem. Now that I had been around for long enough, it was time to purge the town of the unclean.
I had already done small miracles for the locals. Mostly just things to prove that God had my back and was willing to grant me power as his chosen disciple. They were little more than tricks: turning pine cones into delicious meat, healing minor wounds, and cursing the wife of one of the heretics to cause their child to die at birth. Now it was time to show them God's real power.
I stepped to the edge of the wooden dais I had set up a few days prior and turned to my audience. Most of the town had gathered during my speach, including a group of heretics who were scowling at me from the back of the crowd. "God is great," I stated nonchalantly.
"God is great!" they parroted back.
"He's so forgiving and kind," I continued, pacing across the stage. "But there is one thing that he can't possibly forgive." I paused for effect and the horses inched their heads closer, enraptured by what I was saying. "He can't forgive those who don't love Him. He loves us all unconditionally, and all He requires back is for us to love Him unconditionally as well and to never question anything He does. You all have proven your love of God, and in return, He'll prove how much he loves you back in time."
The horses nodded enthusiastically and some murmurs of agreement went through the crowd.
"Unfortunately, one bad egg among the bunch will spoil it. One drop of deadly poison will dilute a whole bucket of water. One heretic will damn an entire town. There are those among you that oppose our loving God. They spit on his name and seek only to drag you all down to hell with them."
Now the crowd looked panicked, and their eyes instantly turned to focus on the atheists in the back of the group who had been openly speaking out against God all week, knowing that they were the ones to blame.
"God requires for us, as his children, to all love him and to turn others to the light. Fret not though, my friends. We can clean up this town yet. We must simply remove the problem."
"What!" Shouted one of the heretical horses from the back of the group. "You can't truly be suggesting that you want to get rid of us because we disagree with you?! We've lived here our whole lives. We have more right to live here than you! The rest of the town knows us, and they won't go along with your plan even if they're fooled by your ridiculous God."
I frowned. Clearly this one was more intelligent than the others. No matter, I'd simply make an example of him. Then no one would ever question my supremacy again. "You will not rock our faith with your vial tongue, heretic!" I called out, scowling at the horse that dared to speak against me. "I can see that you are a servant of the Devil, trying to keep Jesus and his love out of our hearts. Demons take many forms and seek to trick us with their lies. Let us show God how much we love Him by disposing of this spawn of hell!"
The crowd began cheering at my inspirational words, so it was time for me to get to work. I put my arms forward, feeling the power of God himself flowing through me as I prayed to him. My faith is strong, and so too is God's faith in me. "We pray that you smite this heretic, our divine God, who dares to mock your holy name. Please, give me the power to do your work so I may prove my love to you!"
My prayer was really just for theatrics. God knows how much I love him and offers me his power at a moment's notice, but I had to impress the town's people with my display so that they'd know never to question God. Suddenly, my hands began to glow a radiant light as from my palms sprung forth a swarm of hungry locusts. Their wings buzzed at full throttle as they raced through the air, their target in sight. Within a matter of seconds the swarm was upon the heretic, latching onto his skin with their clawed appendages and rending his flesh with their mighty mandibles.
He screams and whinnied in both pain and shock as the insects were literally eating him alive. Covered in his own blood and hundreds of the insects he fell to the ground, rolling and kicking out in an attempt to remove the pests from his skin. He was able to crush many, but more were buzzing around ready to take their places, and he couldn't keep them from forcing their way into his eyes and open nostrils. His screams turned into a pained gurgling as the locusts forced their way into his mouth and down his throat, ripping his esophagus apart in the process.
He continued to writhe for several minutes before he finally bled to death. The crowd watched on in complete horror as the hungry insects continued to feed, literally stripping the flesh from his bones before their very eyes. Then, as suddenly as they had come, the locusts scattered, leaving the heretic's skinless corpse to rot. Without the buzzing of insect wings, the plaza fell silent.
Eventually the horses began returning their attention to me. I tried to hide my smug smile as best I could, but it was no use. I was just so damn smug, I couldn't help but smirk. "Who else wishes to question God?" I asked, already knowing the answer I'd get from the cowardly horses.
The heretics instantly threw themselves to the ground on their horse knees, begging and pleading for me to show them mercy. I considered just giving them the mercy of a swift death, but no. I was here to convert these disgusting horses, not slaughter them like the dogs that they are. Instead of brutally slaying them all in God's name, I simply told them that if they were to let God into their hearts, He wouldn't harm them. None of the horses ever spoke against God after that day...
