This Apple Can't Eat Apples

by Mixolydian Grey

Rating: everyone
Tags: Slice of Life, Applejack, Apple Bloom, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders
Length: 4109

Apple Bloom discovers that she has a loose tooth, and it's rather unpleasant. She not only suffers from a diet excluding her favorite snack, but she suffers her friends' "help" as well.

Apple Bloom discovers that she has a loose tooth, and it's rather unpleasant. She not only suffers from a diet excluding her favorite snack, but she suffers her friends' "help" as well.

(This fic took way too long to write. The first version was edited by ocalhoun months ago, and the final version was edited by Kevinltk more recently. I must thank both of them for offering their superb editing skills, as this fic would have been drastically worse without them.)

Published 2013-12-21 22:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-12-21 22:40:02 UTC

And the Capitalization in the Title Can Be Very Misleading

“Mornin', sis!” Apple Bloom bounded into the kitchen and grabbed an apple from the table – a perfectly ripe Golden Delicious for a perfectly sunny Saturday morning.

She couldn't help but smile and skip despite her growling, aching stomach; today was going to be fantastic. After the apple, she would get to enjoy her sister's cooking. Applejack's eggs were without equal, scrambled so light and fluffy that they melted in your mouth, an amazing complement to warm hash browns with just the right amount of crispiness, and toast that was… just toast. After breakfast, her friends would be coming over for a Cutie Mark Crusader meeting, although it would be some time before they arrive; they probably weren't even awake yet. The Apples were early risers, and Applejack was the earliest. It seemed that she already had breakfast on the stove.

“Uh, howdy there,” Applejack chuckled awkwardly. Something clattered on the counter. “Umm... how'd ya sleep?” Applejack turned around, giving her sister a weird grin and carefully positioning herself so that the stove could not be seen. She fiddled with a spatula, twisting it around in her hooves.

Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow. “Fine...” She leaned to one side, trying to see past her sister. “Why're ya actin' suspicious?”

“Suspicious? Ah’m acting suspicious?” Applejack leaned to the side, mirroring Apple Bloom. “Ah ain’t actin’ suspicious.”

“So why’re you leaning over like that?”

“I umm...” Applejack glanced up at the shelves above her head. “I needed to reach the... honey!” In a maneuver that would have made even Rainbow Dash jealous, Applejack reached up, snatched a jar of honey from the shelf, and placed it on the counter with the rest of her mystery ingredients. She settled back into place, distinctly unable to maintain eye contact. A tuft of smoke rose behind her.

Apple Bloom narrowed her eyes. “You're up to something.”

“Am not!”

“You're up to something. You’re sweating.”

“That’s… It’s umm... just ‘cause the stove is hot!” She wiped away the little droplet of sweat on her forehead and grinned again.

“Well...” Apple Bloom sniffed at the smoke. “Ya got me there. But you’re still behavin’ a bit out of sorts.”

“There is absolutely nothing outta sorts going on here,” Applejack sputtered, giddy with nervous laughter.

“You're a terrible liar. Come on, tell me!” she begged with a little quivering frown and wide, shimmering eyes. “Pleeeeaaase?”

Applejack sighed and let her forced grin droop. “Alright.”

Victorious, Apple Bloom allowed herself a brief smirk. Maybe it was a bit unfair of her to exploit an irresistible expression like that, but if it worked flawlessly, it would be a shame to let it go to waste.

“Ah was cookin' up a special surprise. That order from the Maple family finally arrived, so we’ve got some more of that syrup you love so much. 'Cept, it's not goin' exactly as I planned...” She stepped back, allowing her sister to see.

The pancakes — or rather, the charred remains of what could have been pancakes — smoldered on the stove top, little more than crunchy, black disks. Applejack gazed at them mournfully.

“They're... um... AJ, I think they might be a bit... overdone,” Apple Bloom said, waving a hoof in front of her face to dissipate the burning odor.

Applejack gave another nervous chuckle. “It's been so long since the last time, Ah'm just out of practice. Don't worry though, Ah'll get it right this time. Just had the griddle a little too warm is all.” Now that she was free to step away from the stove without giving away the hidden surprise, not that it was worth keeping secret, Applejack took a moment to grab an apple for herself. She took up a spatula in her other hoof and began scraping away the residues of the embarrassing first attempt, stacking them on the counter while they cooled sufficiently to place in a trash bin.

This was going to be great! Pancakes with syrup were the best! Though, charcoal with syrup wasn't so great. Cooking with grains was not Applejack's special talent, but she would remember what she was doing and get the second batch right. Or rather, the first batch of pancakes. Those charred disks on the counter probably didn’t even meet the minimum qualifications to be considered pancakes. Oh well, at least Apple Bloom had an apple so she wouldn't pass out from hunger before the pancakes were done. She took a big bite out of the crunchy, juicy apple.

Searing pain shot through her mouth, centered around one of her front teeth. She gingerly removed the apple from her mouth and blinked away the tears.

Applejack froze with her own apple just inches from her gaping mouth. "Somethin' wrong with yer apple, Sugarcube?" she asked, meticulously inspecting her own.

"No," Apple Bloom squeaked, choking back a whimper. Her tooth burned with a fire to rival Applejack's pancake charcoal.

"Well then, what is it?"

"Ah hink Ah haf a loose tooh," Apple Bloom pronounced carefully, trying not to touch the tooth.

Applejack scrunched up her eyebrows. “You what?”

Apple Bloom opened her mouth and pointed.

"Oh, a loose tooth! Lemme have a look-see.”

Apple Bloom held her mouth wide open as her sister came over and inspected the damage.

"Wiggle it," Applejack said.

Apple Bloom squeezed her eyes shut and complied. She pushed her tongue up against one of her top front teeth, wiggling it back and forth, careful not to prod it so hard that it would hurt.

“Eeyup, that's a loose tooth alright.”

Thank Celestia for Applejack being here to tell me that. Apple Bloom scowled at her sister but held back her sarcasm. There was no time for that, not with the urgent cataclysm in her mouth. “Am Ah bleedin'? AJ, Ah think Ah'm bleedin'. Am Ah gonna die?” She felt faint.

Applejack rolled her eyes and smiled. “Only a little bit. Why don'tcha go rinse your mouth out?”

Apple Bloom didn't want to die a little bit. She didn't want to die at all. She ran over to the sink, filled a glass, then took a sip, swishing the cool water around her mouth. Was this really proper first aid procedure for a loose tooth? Applejack was pretty good at dealing with emergencies, but a glass of water seemed woefully insufficient. Surely she needed some bandages and maybe that tubey thing with the liquid in it! And the beeping heart thingy!

“Keep workin' at it with your tongue, and it'll be out in no time. You'll just have to eat applesauce until—”

Apple Bloom latched onto her sister’s front legs, wailing hysterically. “When are we going to the hospital!? I can't wait for the pegamedics to arrive; they'll probably be too late!”

Applejack stifled her laughter. “Apple Bloom, it's just a loose tooth. Every little filly loses her foal teeth eventually. It's completely normal, and it ain't no emergency.”

“Oh.” The little filly let go of her sister, her panic disappearing like an unattended cupcake left too close to Pinkie Pie. “But what about breakfast? Ah can't eat apples like this. They're just as crunchy as your pancakes.”

Applejack's eyes narrowed. “Ah'll get this second batch perfect. Just you watch! But if you're hungry now, I suppose applesauce will have to do.”

“I don't wanna eat applesauce! Applesauce is for babies!” Apple Bloom gave her best dejected pout.

“And for fillies with loose teeth,” her sister added, going back over to the counter and dumping the cooled charcoal bricks into the trash. “And old mares with no teeth. It's easier on Granny's dentures.”

“Fine,” Apple Bloom grumbled, settling for applesauce instead of a real apple. She retrieved a small jar of applesauce from the pantry with indignation. Stupid tooth. Aw, horseapples. It wasn't fair! Granny was so lucky! If she got a loose tooth, all she had to do was glue it back in. She even got to have different colors!

Apple Bloom slumped into a chair at the kitchen table, plopping the little jar in front of her. “How long am Ah gonna be stuck like this?”

“Until it comes out.” Applejack giggled to herself.

Apple Bloom was not amused. “Come on, be serious!”

“I s'pose it depends on how you work at it,” Applejack said, sliding over to the stove to redeem her cooking honor. “Keep on wigglin' it around. It'll be out in no time. And don't forget to put it under your pillow when it comes out so the Tooth Pony can leave you a few bits.”

“How many bits?” Apple Bloom took a reluctant spoonful of applesauce.

“Well,” Applejack answered as she poured more pancake batter, “if you're a good little filly who does all her chores and doesn't get into any trouble, you'll get a little extra. The Tooth Pony knows who deserves a reward and who's been naughty.”

“That sounds suspiciously like Santa Hooves. Does he know about this?”

“Uhm...” The question caught Applejack off guard. “I guess?”

“If Ah was him,” Apple Bloom slurred, a few uncouth globs of applesauce flying out of her half-full mouth, “Ah'd be pretty irritated at somepony copyin' mah special talent.”

Applejack silently flipped pancakes.

“Ah'll have to tell him about that when Ah send him a letter,” Apple Bloom continued. “Maybe he'll give me something extra special for lettin' him know. Like maybe an automatic pancake making machine.”

“These are perfectly golden brown! Look at 'em!”

~ ** *** ** ~

Apple Bloom paced around the inside of the Cutie Mark Crusader clubhouse. Were Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo ever going to arrive? She'd have to make up names to call them, like... Late-aloo? She sounded it out to herself then sighed. It was a terrible idea for a nickname, but at least it didn't hurt to say.

She kept wiggling the loose tooth with her tongue like her sister said to, but it didn't seem to do much other than cause pain. Apple Bloom was becoming very acquainted with the sensation of pain today.

Maybe she could just yank it out and get it over with. Better to have all the pain at once rather than spreading it out through the day.

Hmm... She glanced around the clubhouse. A table, chairs, some art supplies, a dollhouse, a hammer, a saw, some vice grips... Oh, of course!

She walked over to a storage box in the corner and reached out to open it, pausing for a moment to admire the hoofwork of the sign above it. Her hoofwork, of course.

The items inside the box of stuff were of such varied natures, the crusaders could come up with no better descriptor of the contents. So the hoof carved wooden plaque above it simply read, 'Stuff.' Sweetie Belle thought it was useless to have a label so vague, but Apple Bloom had been excited to play with sharp metal tools.

She threw open the lid and rooted around in the box, throwing a variety of toys, art supplies, strips of Sweetie Belle’s ‘borrowed’ fabric, and a few unfortunate books all across the room. What sort of deus ex machina she might find in there was anypony's guess. She happened upon a long piece of string. Hmm... What if she tied her tooth to the door and then slammed it shut? That should work.

Through great determination, Apple Bloom conquered the rather challenging task of tying two small knots with hooves, one of which she couldn't even see. She took a moment to admire her dextrous hoofwork connecting her tooth to the wide open door of the clubhouse. Sometimes she impressed even herself.

It was a good thing she was so creative and could come up with an original, out-of-the-box idea like this. It was sure to work!

She took a deep breath, bracing herself for the pain. This was probably going to hurt more than the apple had, but, on the bright side, it would only hurt for a short time, and then she'd be rid of the menace that was applesauce.

Apple Bloom took another deep breath – just a few more moments of mental preparation. She let her mind wander from the task ahead, instead focusing on the sweet apple scent of the orchard and the gentle breeze that rustled the leaves above the clubhouse.

After a third deep breath, followed by yet another for good measure, it became clear that she couldn't procrastinate anymore. Gravity wasn't going to pull the tooth out for her. She had to use the door. Putting her hoof on the door, she steeled herself for the grim task. “Think of the bits from the Tooth Pony,” she mumbled to herself before shoving the door as hard as she could.

It slammed shut. She only felt a little tug. That wasn't so bad. She looked down.

“Darn it.”

The string, much too long, lay coiled on the ground, still connected to the stubborn, unmoving tooth.

Apple Bloom grumbled and removed the string from her mouth. This was impossible. That tooth would never come out. She'd been at it all day and made no progress whatsoever.

Cutting the string to length would likely help though. There were probably scissors in the box of stuff. After rummaging through the box and dislodging a few more objects from their home, she found a pair of scissors and then laid the string out on the table so she could cut it.

The door swung open just as Apple Bloom was bringing the scissors to the string.

“Hiya, Apple Bloom!” Scootaloo greeted, storming in with Sweetie Belle close behind.

“Oh, hey girls,” Apple Bloom mumbled.

“Sorry we're late! But it was for a good reason,” Sweetie Belle explained. “Opal didn't look both ways before crossing the street, and it took a while to get her fur out of Scootaloo's scooter. We had to shave some of it, but I don't think Opal cared too much once she was free. She was so excited, she ran inside. Though, I think she must have knocked something over. Something important enough to make Rarity scream.”

“It's okay.”

Scootaloo frowned. “Something wrong? What are you up to?” she asked carefully.

“Brooding.”

“I thought Scootaloo was the chicken, not you.” Sweetie Belle glanced around. “What's the matter? And what are you doing with my string!?” She snatched it out of Apple Bloom's limp grasp.

Apple Bloom remained silent, slowly sliding the scissors to the edge of the table.

“Those better not be scissors.”

Apple Bloom pushed the scissors onto the floor and slid them under the table. “Those definitely were not scissors.”

“They sure sounded like scissors.”

“How would you know the exact sound of somepony dropping scissors on the floor?” Scootaloo asked.

“Sometimes, when I have something extra special to show Rarity, she doesn't say anything. She just drops whatever she's holding, and her eye does this weird thing.” Sweetie Belle demonstrated, staring off into space, twitching an eyelid. “But that's not really important,” she continued, returning her gaze to normal. “Something's bothering you. What is it?”

Apple Bloom took a deep breath.

“Ah have a loose tooth that Ah discovered when Ah tried eatin' an apple this mornin' because it really hurt all of a sudden and AJ looked at it and told me but I already knew since it hurt so Ah can't eat apples until Ah get this stupid tooth out and it's bothering me because I'm stuck eatin' applesauce which is pretty much foal food and Ah wanna have real apples! You don't know what it's like to be an Apple who can't eat apples! It's ridiculous! It's absurd! It's outrageous!” She gasped for breath and grabbed Sweetie Belle by the shoulders, shaking her violently. “It's drivin' me insane and it's only been a few hours!”

“I can help!” Sweetie Belle proclaimed.

"Really? How?" Apple Bloom asked, ceasing her delicate handling of Sweetie Belle.

“Cutie Mark Crusader dentists! Yay!” Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo shrieked in unison. Apple Bloom refrained from joining their battle cry.

“Which tooth is it?” the eager unicorn asked.

Without thinking, Apple Bloom let go of her friend and opened her mouth, pointing to the loose tooth. She quickly pulled her hoof back. “Wait, what are you—”

Sweetie Belle cut her off by jamming a hoof in her mouth, grasping the tooth. “Now, you may feel some pressure.” She pulled the loose tooth forward and twisted it around.

“Ow, ow, ow, ow...” Apple Bloom whined.

“Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry,” Sweetie Belle responded.

Another firm tug served only to bring tears to Apple Bloom's eyes, the tooth refusing to budge.

“Almost...” Sweetie yanked harder, her eyebrows coming together in intense concentration. The ‘pressure’ intensified.

A few bits from the Tooth Pony was not worth this.

Just when Apple Bloom thought that she couldn't take it any more, Sweetie Belle let go. She shrugged. “Well, I give up.”

Apple Bloom sighed with relief. That 'pressure' felt an awful lot like pain.

“My turn!” Scootaloo declared.

With a nervous chuckle, Apple Bloom backed away. “Thanks, but Ah think Ah'd rather just live on applesauce. Ah’m not good under pressure.”

“Come on, don't give up that easily! I have an idea. Follow me!”

“No, really. Please. Please do not try to help me.”

“It's no fair if Sweetie Belle gets to play dentist and I don't. Come on, don't be scared!” Scootaloo winked. “It's me.” She untied the string from the door and leapt outside with it. The other two looked at each other before following onto the little porch by the door.

They found their friend at the bottom of the clubhouse ramp, tying one end of the string to the back of her scooter. When Scootaloo finished the knot, she trotted back up the ramp, the other end of the string held in a wide grin. Apple Bloom became rather uncomfortable.

“Scoots, you can't be serious,” Apple Bloom pleaded.

“I am serious. And don't call me Scoots,” Scootaloo mumbled through clenched teeth. “Open wide!”

Seeing that she could not be dissuaded, Apple Bloom complied, and, after some more than a little clumsy fumbling, her tooth was firmly tied to Scootaloo's scooter.

This was bound to end in disaster. She knew it. She should never have come here. She should have hidden in a nursing home and eaten applesauce and mashed ‘taters for the rest of her life. There wasn't much choice in food, but at least she didn't have these two to deal with...

“Ready?” Scootaloo called.

“No.”

“Will you ever be ready?”

“No.”

“That's what I thought. Hang on!”

Scootaloo revved her wings up to speed, sounding like something between an airplane with mismatched propellers and a large, scientifically impossible bee.

If Apple Bloom wasn't in the middle of a disaster-in-the-making, she would have been amused at how the little hum rose in pitch. 'Disaster-in-the-making' kept running through her mind. She swallowed past a lump in her throat. Something was wrong, her intuition insisted, despite the confidence of her ‘dentist’ and the encouraging smile of the unicorn next to her. Looking back down the ramp at Scootaloo, she realized then that the top of the ramp was not a good place to be if somepony was about to violently pull you forward. Neglecting to account for gravity was exactly the kind of oversight that usually thwarted the Cutie Mark Crusaders’ plans.

Unfortunately, it was far too late for Apple Bloom’s attempt to politely inform Scootaloo of her miscalculation. Scootaloo took off, and the string tightened, lifting off the ramp and into the air. There wasn’t even time to make a sound before Apple Bloom was jerked forward, pulled by her tooth.

She tumbled forward and slid down the ramp on her stomach, crashing through a pile of leaves at the bottom.

Scootaloo glanced back. “Is it out yet!? Do I need to go faster!?”

Apple Bloom only managed a discontent mumbled drawl through a mouthful of leaves.

The two came to an abrupt halt as the scooter, its driver inattentive to the road, ran into a large rock. The pegasus and her vehicle flipped up into the air. As one was too young to fly, her tiny wings not yet developed fully, and the other was a scooter, consisting only of a plank, wheels, and handles, neither was successful in achieving sustained flight. Scootaloo landed on a bush to the side of the path while her scooter disappeared into the underbrush farther off.

Apple Bloom and Scootaloo each struggled to stand up while Sweetie Belle rushed down to them.

“Oh my gosh! Are you girls okay?” she yelled, galloping over and helping Apple Bloom stand up.

Apple Bloom spat out a few leaves and twigs. “Ah think so... Scootaloo, you big orange!” she growled, brushing herself off. Her sister might have scolded her for language like that, but she was too annoyed to care.

Scootaloo grumbled, “At least I'm still in one piece.”

“So, how about the tooth?” Sweetie Belle asked, eyes beaming a light of their own. “Did it work?”

Apple Bloom felt for the tooth with her tongue.

It was gone.

Praise Celestia, it was gone. Only a trace of blood remained in its place along with a sensitive spot on her gums.

“Oh, thank Celestia! It actually worked! It's gone...” Apple Bloom smiled, showing off the new gap. She suddenly frowned. “Oh, Celestia darn it! Ah need to find it so Ah can give it to the Tooth Pony!”

Sweetie Belle placed a hoof on her shoulder. “Be careful when you put it under your pillow! Teeth are valuable treasures. Keep an eye on your family” – she narrowed her eyes and glanced side to side – “I caught Rarity sneaking into my room to try and steal one for herself!” she squeaked.

“Nopony's gonna steal it if Ah can't even find it!” Apple Bloom dove into the mountain of leaves and searched for it frantically.

She dug through leaves and twigs and rocks, but it was hopeless. The tooth was a tiny little speck in an endless sea of dirt that would churn and erode and hide it forever until it dissolved at the end of time. Even if she had a million zillion years to look, she’d fail. It was gone forev— Oh, there it was.

Apple Bloom emerged from the debris, cradling the tooth in her hooves. It was muddy and not at all presentable to the Tooth Pony for the moment, but it was her tooth, and she could clean it off easily enough.

“Ah found it!” she shouted. “Look, Ah found it!”

“Well, I'm glad that's over,” Sweetie Belle said.

“Scootaloo, look!” Apple Bloom squealed, rushing over to the still-dazed pegasus.

“That's great, Apple Bloom,” Scootaloo mumbled, not even paying attention to the tooth Apple Bloom shoved in front of her.

“Are you okay?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Mhmm,” she hummed, making a weird face as if she were poking her tongue against her cheek.

Apple Bloom’s grin disappeared as she lowered her hooves, holding her tooth close. “Scootaloo, open your mouth.”

“I don’t really see any reason to do that,” Scootaloo responded, the words nearly inaudible behind her unmoving lips.

“Scootaloo, stop actin’ suspicious and open your mouth.”

Anypony who spent a lot of time around Applejack was sure to learn all the signs that indicate a pony is hiding something, not because Applejack could see through any lie, but because she was terrible at telling them. She displayed every single cue there was every single time she tried to hide something.

And Scootaloo knew that. Her lips still held tightly shut, but she would soon break under the pressure. A nervous gaze darted back and forth between her friends as her ears unconsciously folded back.

“You knocked a tooth loose, didn’t you, Scootaloo?”

Scootaloo sighed, opening her mouth to show them that one of her teeth was indeed quite loose, wiggling freely under pressure from her tongue.

“As I thought. Good thing we know how to solve this problem,” Apple Bloom mused, glancing at the scooter imbedded in the bushes and the intact line of string leading away from it.

“Wait, girls...” Scootaloo backed away.

Apple Bloom grinned a mischievous grin. A grin with a gap right in the front, remarkably similar to the one Scootaloo would shortly have.

Author's Note

Whee, first fic. Hope you like(d) it. If not... sorry. I'll try and do better. But you should totally comment either way because I have no followers and the like/dislike ratio is entirely useless as constructive criticism.