Cauldron Club

by Biplane

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Slice of Life, Zecora, Main 6, Trixie, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Carrot Top
Length: 53475

Some have quilting clubs. Some have book clubs. Twilight Sparkle decides to have a Cauldron Club. For alchemy enthusiasts. Strangely, she seems unable to grasp that this is a catastrophically bad idea.

The boredom of Thursday evenings gets to Twilight Sparkle, and she decides to create a fun meet-at-home club.

The problem is that she doesn't create a book club. Seriously Twilight. You're a librarian. I mean, come on. Book club didn't occur to you?

Sigh... no. Twilight's idea is Cauldron Club! Yes, Cauldron Club! Cute name for a potentially catastrophic alchemical disaster, isn't it? Now anyone with a desire to dabble in the arcane and... disturbingly reactive world of potion-making can gather in a single place to celebrate their mad science harmless hobby!

Potion-making can be a dangerous hobby, Twilight. More-so if that hobby is shared. What could go wrong?

Oh, and... bring your own cauldron.

This story takes place between "Keep Calm and Flutter On," and "Magical Mystery Cure," and so features unicorn Twilight.

Published 2013-06-20 03:50:02 UTC
Last updated 2014-07-24 01:57:41 UTC

All Under Control. No, Really.

"Zecora! So nice to see you! I admit I was really hoping you'd want to come! I'm sure a pony with as much knowledge as you have will have lots to share!" Twilight greeted her first guest with a bright smile.

Zecora returned the smile to her friend. Optimistically, she hoped this night would never end. "Thank you dear friend, if knowledge is money then I'm here to spend."

Twilight helped bring Zecora's impressive cauldron inside. It was a Canterworks Z28 Broadbase. Custom. What a beaut! Clearly, Zecora was a mare who knew her cauldrons.

They chatted pleasantly over snacks and tea for a couple minutes (and Twilight continued playing her secret game of trying to trap Zecora into saying "orange"), when a second knock came at the door. Twilight got up to answer it, sipping at her tea as she headed to the door.

"Twilight Sparkle."

Twilight spat out her tea in a textbook spit-take, drenching the pony in front of her in earl grey.

Trixie frowned, pulling wet mane out of her eyes with a nonchalant tug of her telekinesis.

"T- Trixie?! What are you doing here?!"

"This is the night of the alchemy club, isn't it? The Great and Powerful Trixie merely wishes to participate!"

Twilight eyed her flatly. "Don't you mean the 'Great and Apologetic' Trixie?"

Trixie waved her hoof impatiently. "Yes, yes, of course. Trixie is simply here to make friends and relax."

"You. Are here to make friends."

Trixie nodded. "Mhm!"

"At my alchemy club. In my house."

"Oh don't be like that! Trixie assures you she has no ulterior motives!"

"We can rest easy knowing that, there are no tricks under your wizard's hat." Twilight wasn't sure how someone who spoke in rhyme could sound sarcastic, but Zecora did a bang-up job.

Twilight sighed. Maybe Trixie really was trying. Maybe it wasn't fair of her to give Trixie a hard time like this. Though, on the other hoof, Trixie was a sort of ex-dictator with a personal grudge, so some paranoia was perhaps prudent.

"Okay, Trixie. Come on in. We've got cookies and tea on the table."

Twilight's baby dragon assistant, Spike, nearly dropped the cookie tray he was bringing out from the kitchen. "Trixie?!"

Twilight and Trixie nodded in unison. "Trixie," they both said, in very different tones of voice.

Spike opened his mouth to say something, then shrugged and walked back into the kitchen, muttering words that might have included "bad" and "idea."

"Oh! Trixie nearly forgot! Trixie has brought gifts!"

Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Gifts?"

Trixie waved a hoof, "It's the least I can do after you both helped free me from that awful Alicorn Amulet!" Trixie managed to use the word "awful" as though describing a delicious and decadent dessert.

"For you, Zecora! To replace your doorstop!" Trixie hoofed the zebra a hefty, flat rock, painted with a picture of Trixie in her trademark showmare pose, with fireworks behind her. Ornate, golden paint across the top read "G&PT." The whole thing was covered in glitter.

Zecora stared at it. She decided finally that raising her eyebrow was the most appropriate reaction.

"It's a limited edition Trixie doorstop! Autographed!" Trixie said, grinning obliviously. "I've got tons of them in my new wagon! I make them myself!"

"I would have never guessed," Zecora deadpanned, "Thank you for the thoughtful bequest," she finished, diplomatically.

"And Twilight Sparkle! To show her magnanimous nature, and that she bears no grudge against you for the humiliation, the property destruction," (Twilight silently reflected that the phrase "property destruction" was coming up an awful lot around her lately), "Or the theft of personal property legally purchased, Trixie presents a very special present!"

Trixie levitated a shirt over to Twilight. Shirts were difficult to wear for ponies, and often considered impractical attire. This one had a picture of Trixie smiling (smirking, really), with a message in ink over it, reading: "Don't give up on your dreams, Twilight Sparkle! -TG&P Trixie"

"Ah. Um. It's very nice, Trixie, thank you," Twilight smiled politely.

"You're both very lucky! This merchandise isn't cheap! And yours are autographed! That usually costs extra!"

Thankfully any impending awkwardness was interrupted by another knock.

Twilight and Zecora practically raced each other to answer it.

It was the Cutie Mark Crusaders.

"Girls?" Twilight said, confused. "Did you need a book or something? I'm having my Cauldron Club meeting tonight, but I can grab a book if you need one."

"Naw Twilight," said Apple Bloom. "We're here for the club!"

Twilight felt her blood run cold.

"You are?"

"Yeah!" said Scootaloo, pumping her hoof in the air and buzzing her tiny wings. "We're gonna get our cutie marks in alchemy!"

The thought filled Twilight with faint terror.

Zecora's eyes widened perceptibly. "You three?" said she. "Alchemy?!"

The CMC's reputation for chaos was well-earned and widespread. More energy and excitement than caution and forethought with these three. They were good fillies, though.

Twilight's eyes narrowed slightly. "Did you get permission?"

The Crusaders exchanged glances, weighing the best choice of answer silently.

"Yyyyes?" Sweetie Bell tried, smiling innocently, her eyes wide.

So. Adorable. Gah! "I happen to know for a fact that the last thing Applejack wants you playing with, Apple Bloom, are potions. And after the Hearts and Hooves Day incident, I'm not sure any of you should be playing with potions."

"Aww," said Sweetie, her adorable little face falling, her disappointment piercing Twilight's poor heart like an arrow. The other two Crusaders followed suit. Sweetie's lower lip quavered.

Twilight sighed. "...But I do have a nice, safe beginner's kit you can use. Come on in, girls."

The disappointment washed off their expressions instantly, gone without a trace. "Yay!" the three fillies said in unison, trotting happily inside.

They stopped short when they saw Trixie on Twilight's couch.

"Trixie?" the three said simultaneously, shooting Twilight a questioning glance.

Twilight and Trixie nodded. "Trixie," they both said, in very different tones of voice.

The CMC glanced at each other, then shrugged and went over to the table, mowing into the cookies with a vengeance.

There was a crash as a polychromatic blur burst in through an open window and smashed into a bookcase.

"Rainbow Dash! Don't you ever use a door?"

The pegasus laughed as she extricated herself from the pile of books that had fallen on top of her. "Not if I can help it! A pony as awesome as me deserves a flashier entrance than that, Twilight!"

Twilight resisted the urge to roll her eyes, failed, and then rolled her eyes. "Nothing 'awesome-er' than crashing into a bookcase."

Rainbow blinked. "'Awesome-er' isn't a word, Twilight. I'd have thought you knew that, being an egghead and all."

Twilight facehooved.

"Indeed, Twilight Sparkle! Trixie knew that, of course!"

"Yeah, Twilight," Rainbow said, nodding in agreement with Trixie. "Even Trixie knew that!" A pause. "Wait... Trixie?!"

Twilight and Trixie nodded. "Trixie," they both said, in very different tones of voice.

A knock came at the door. The guests are appearing quickly now, Twilight thought happily, and she answered the door.

It was a bear.

"Ahhhh!" Twilight shrieked, jumping back, magic flaring defensively in her horn.

"Oh dear, I'm sorry. Did we frighten you? I'm sorry," came a soft voice. "Are we late? Oh I hope we're not late, Twilight. I was running a bit behind feeding the bunnies and I..."

"Uh... no!" Twilight shook her head, recovering. Of course. Fluttershy. Well if this bear was one of her friends, then Twilight trusted completely that he would be on his best behavior.

Fluttershy peeked her yellow and pink head around the bear. "This is Poncy Vurpawven, Twilight. Poncy, this is Twilight Sparkle, my dear friend."

Poncy gave a polite rumbling growl that, if one had had their head turned just so, might have sounded like somepony belching the word "charmed."

"I'd like to make a potion for him and his bear friends, and I would love to have some help with it!"

"Of course! Come on in, Fluttershy! Come on in... Poncy."

They did.

"Trix-" Fluttershy began, stopping short as see noticed the blue mare sitting on the sofa.

"Yes. Yes. Trixie is here. Yes." Twilight said, terminating the running gag. Geez. Twilight is no fun sometimes.

"Hello, Buttershy!" Trixie said in what was for her a friendly tone, apparently having forgotten Fluttershy’s actual name.

"Um. Yes. Um. Hi. Trixie," Fluttershy said, not wanting to correct her.

Zecora leaned in to Fluttershy, muttering, "She's acting weird and strange. Part of me wonders if she may truly have changed."

Fluttershy smiled, considering that to be good news.

Zecora, on the other hand, was finding "nice Trixie" to be deeply disturbing. Seeing Trixie trying to make friends she found profoundly unnerving.

Poncy was sipping tea politely with the Crusaders, his pinkie claw extended just so as he held the small cup daintily.

A few other ponies showed up in short order: Carrot Top brought her cooking cauldron ("I'm sorry, it's all I had"), Berry Punch stopped by (she seemed confused that this was not, in fact, a brewer's club, and pressed the point when it was explained to her that it was an alchemy club that "There wasn't really much difference if you thought about it," which Twilight grudgingly had to admit was true), and Lyra and Bon-Bon brought along Bon-Bon's fondue pot (Lyra apparently had an interest in polymorph potions, and had been excited by the possibilities when she saw Twilight’s flyer; Bon-Bon had, of course, been dragged along for the ride).

Pinkie Pie simply emerged from a potted plant, then turned and pulled a GypsyBrew 900 out of another. Nopony gave any second thought to this violation of all natural physical laws. Because Pinkie Pie.

. . .

The potion-making began! It was a fun and friendly affair. All seemed to be going well as the potions makers brewed and chatted with each other, offering advice, small talk, or even just gossip.

In a far corner of the room, Trixie sat with her modest ("Dazzling!") cauldron, a bit away from the group. She surreptitiously flipped through a book she had steathily levitated off of Twilight's bookshelves, looking for that spell she had heard so much about in her time in Ponyville... ah! There it was! Now... to figure out how to turn it into a potion... there was no way she had the power to cast the spell as it was, not that anypony could ever know she had admitted that to herself, of course!

Anyway... hmm... it looked like she just had to...

"How is it going, Trixie?" Twilight said, coming up behind her.

Trixie jumped and made a noise somewhere between a whinny and a squawk. She quickly hid the book under her cape.

"Oh! Twilight Sparkle! Trixie was just... I was thinking I might make something... to restore some of the luster to Trixie's mane! Yes! The glory of the stage does sometimes wreak havoc upon my lush, conditioned locks!"

Twilight winced once again at Trixie's awkward lack of modesty. "Yes. Well. I hope you're having fun," Twilight said, starting over. "I know we have a history together, and we haven't always seen eye-to-eye, but... well, I'm really glad you came," Twilight smiled.

Trixie wasn't sure what to say to this. It made her feel... uncomfortably warm inside her heart. She fell back on familiar ground, recovering, "Trixie's greatness can sometimes be difficult for other ponies to accept. Trixie has forgiven, Twilight Sparkle! The past is behind us now."

The faintest hint of annoyance passed over Twilight's features for a brief instant, but she remained smiling and polite. Twilight was a pony with a strong capacity for friendliness, after all, though it had taken her years to realize it herself. Trixie was just being... well, Trixie. Give her time, Twilight thought to herself.

"Well, I hope your potion works out, Trixie! I'm going to go see how Carrot Top is doing!"

Twilight turned and left, heading over towards the yellow and orange mare.

She didn't hear Trixie softly cackling to herself as she started mixing, "Soon. Soon! Hahahaha!"

"Hello, Carrot Top! How are you doing?"

"Oh! Twilight! I... I'm not really sure. This is all pretty new to me," she said, nervously.

"Oh, you don't have to worry! We're not here to judge you! This is just for fun!"

"Oh, I know Twilight, and thank you for saying so. I just can't help but feel I'm the least experienced pony in the room, here."

"Well, maybe I can help! What are you going to try to make?"

"Oh, well I read about a potion that can um..." Carrot Top trailed off into silence.

There were shades of Fluttershy in this one. Twilight smiled gently, encouraging her to continue.

"You see, after Derpy took me flying that one time, and it was wonderful, I started to think how the other third lives."

Twilight blinked for a moment. "Other third...? ...Wait, you mean unicorns?"

Carrot Top nodded. "And I read about a simple potion that can give earth ponies a little telekinesis magic for a short time," she said, "I-it isn't unicorn envy, or anything like that!" she said quickly. "I'm proud of being an earth pony! I just want to see what it's like, you know?"

Twilight nodded. She was glad Carrot Top had brought up unicorn envy. Earth ponies had so much to be proud of, but occasionally they did develop complexes about not being able to fly or do unicorn magic. Twilight was glad Carrot Top had shot that idea down herself, it would have been rude for Twilight to bring it up. "I understand, Carrot Top. I hope it works! I've never tried that potion myself!" Twilight winced, realizing that of course she hadn't. "I mean, uh..."

Carrot Top smiled. "No, it's okay, Twilight. Thank you."

Twilight breathed a quick sigh. How rude that had almost been! This called for a quick change of subject! "So it's too bad Applejack couldn't make it tonight, but she wanted me to tell you the family loved that carrot cake you made for them!"

"I'm glad! I know my baking is nothing compared to her or Pinkie Pie or the Cakes, but it's always nice to share with your neighbors! That's what I was taught, anyway."

What a nice pony, Twilight thought.

"Well Carrot Top, I'd better check on the Crusaders."

Carrot Top winced knowingly, memories of "Cutie Mark Crusaders gardiners, yay!" dancing horrifyingly through her mind.

"Twilight, we cain't decide what to make! These're all borin'!" Apple Bloom said, flipping through the beginner's recipe book as Twilight approached.

"Yeah, these are potions for babies!" Scootaloo chipped in.

"I don't know, I like this one," Sweetie Belle said, pointing her hoof at a recipe for a flower growth potion.

"Psh. You would," said Scootaloo dismissively. "Our potion has to be something awesome if we're going to earn our cutie marks!"

"Yeah. Ah agree with Scoots. Ah mean... a ladybug polishing potion?" Apple Bloom said, pointing to another recipe and raising her eyebrow. "What's that s'posed to be useful for?"

"For making ladybugs shinier?" Sweetie Belle said, in a somewhat miffed tone. "I like that one too."

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes impressively (She has good technique, Twilight thought). "Ah get that. But whut is it good for?"

"This one doesn't look so bad," Scootaloo broke in, pointing to a potion for making liquid rainbows. Her eyes glanced involuntarily across the room to where Rainbow Dash was laughing with Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy.

Apple Bloom and Sweetie got in another epic eye roll (Wow, these fillies are good at this, Twilight thought). "Yeah. It's got rainbows in it, so it must be awesome," Sweetie said.

Scootaloo stared blankly back at her for several moments, the sarcasm incapable of registering in her mind when in relation to this particular subject. "Yes?" she finally volunteered, making it sound like the most obvious possible thing.

Twilight laughed. Maybe this won't be so bad, she thought, Maybe they'll spend the evening arguing over which harmless potion to make and not even get started before they have to go home!

Twilight left them to their debate. She decided to see what Zecora was up to, since she looked more suspicious than Trixie, and kept looking suspiciously at Trixie. Why does life have to be so ironic?

"Hey Zecora."

"I do not trust that one, Twilight. I fear her schemes will ruin your night," Zecora said, cutting right to the chase. Twilight put her hoof to her face.

"Yes, well, why don't you let me worry about that, Zecora, and just try to have a nice time?" Twilight tried, smiling reassuringly.

Zecora's eyes narrowed, and didn't leave Trixie. "Speaking as one who has had few friends to treasure, I make it my task to protect from one of her measure."

"She really is weirding you out, isn't she?" Twilight said, almost smirking.

"Even if she is turning a leaf, I cannot suspend my disbelief. On caution's side I will err. I doubt that potion's for her hair."

Twilight rolled her eyes, practicing a few improvements she'd picked up watching the CMC. "I'm sure she's fine, Zecora. Just have fun and relax."

"If Trixie truly has changed... I cannot handle that; too strange!" Zecora said, her mind struggling mightily with the idea of a reformed Trixie.

"Besides, Zecora," Twilight said quietly, "If she is planning anything... Trixie-ish, I can deal with it, I promise," Twilight smiled. "Now will you please relax and have fun?"

"I will try, Twilight my friend. I will put my suspicions to an end," Zecora said. I will not, my friend. I must watch Trixie 'til night's end! Zecora thought.

Twilight smiled, oblivious to Zecora's paranoid guardian complex. "Great!" she said.

"Twilight! Over here!" Pinkie called brightly, waving her hoof. Cookie crumbs flew from her mouth as she spoke.

Smiling, Twilight headed over to where Pinkie, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, and Poncy were gathered. "Hey, girls. How's it going?"

Pinkie opened her mouth to reply, closed it, swallowed her mouthful of cookies, then opened it again, gasping as she took a big breath, "Well-Twilight,-Dashie-was-going-to-make-a-potion-to-make-her-fly-faster-and-I-was-all-'Hasn't-that-been-done?'-and-she-was-like-'...No?'-and-then-I-was-like-'Oh-yeah,-why-did-I-think-that-had-already-been-done?'-and-Dashie-was-like-'I-don't-know-Pinkie-you're-so-random,'-and-I-said-'Besides,-aren't-you-already-the-fastest-flyer,-like,-ever?-Why-do-you-need-a-potion-to-fly-faster?'-and-Dashie-said,-'Uhh,-Pinkie,-no-matter-how-awesome-I-am-it's-always-better-to-be-a-little-awesome-er,'-and-so-I-said,-'Uhh...-Dashie-you-do-know-awesome-er-isn't-a-word-right?'-and-Dashie-said-'That's-what-I-said!-But-Twilight-said-it-earlier-so-I-thought-I-must-have-been-wrong!'-and-Twilight-you-do-know-awesome-er-isn't-a-word,-right?-Anyway-then-Fluttershy-came-over-and-introduced-us-to-Poncy-and-said-she-was-going-to-try-to-learn-how-to-make-a-swimming-potion-for-Poncy-and-some-of-his-bear-friends-who-can't-swim-because-they're-going-to-have-a-bear-beach-party-and-I-said-a-bear-beach-party?!-That-sounds-like-the-greatest-thing-ever!-And-then-I-waved-to-you-and-said-'Twilight!-Over-here!'-And-I-was-going-to-ask-you-if-you-thought-a-bear-beach-party-sounded-like-the-greatest-thing-ever,-too,-but-then-you-said-'Hey-girls.-How's-it-going?'-So-I-brought-you-up-to-speed-on-what-you'd-missed-and-now-here-we-are!" Pinkie said in one breath. She collapsed to the floor, panting. "So..." she gasped, "Twilight... did... you... get... all... that?"

Twilight smiled and nodded, "Yep!" she said, lying with practiced ease.

...Well she didn't want Pinkie to start over again, after all! She had no idea how an honest pony like Applejack could ever have a conversation with Pinkie that didn't end with Pinkie unconscious.

Anyway, she had at least isolated the words “Fluttershy” and “swimming potion.”

"Well, Fluttershy, I think I've got just the book for you!" Twilight said, turning to her yellow friend and levitating a profoundly dusty purple book off the shelf.

"Olde Marityme Recipyes for Philtyres, Elyxires, and Potionery," Fluttershy read the cover aloud. "Um, Twilight, this is nice, but... I don't know if I can read all these old words."

Twilight waved her hoof dismissively, "Nonsense! I'm sure you'll have no problem, Fluttershy!"

"Um. Okay, Twilight. Thank you," Fluttershy said, still sounding unsure. She sneezed as she opened the book.

"Got any potion books for me, egghead?" Dash cut in.

Twilight rolled her eyes at her friend's sobriquet. "I don't think I know of anything that can make you fly faster, but there was a bat-pony in the latter Classical Era who wrote a treatise on agility-enhancing potions. I've got it here somewhere, let me see... ah! Here we go! Aviatrix's On the Comparative Magical Physiology of Pegasi and Bat-Ponies and the Alchemical Theory for the Inversal Thereof. It’s not a first edition, obviously, but at least the reprint has been edited for modern Equestrian! It even includes footnotes!" Twilight managed to use the word "footnotes" as though describing a delicious and decadent dessert.

Dash stared at the thin book. She opened it. The first thing she read was "Elliptical partial differential equations."

She closed the book. "Uh... Twilight? Don't you think this is a little... technical?"

"Hmm? Oh no, I don't think so! It's really good once you get into it! I've always found that one a good read!"

Dash doubted Twilight's first statement completely and believed her second statement absolutely. The thought of Twilight curling up for the evening with a thousand year old treatise on Potion Engineering in the Field of Magical Aerodynamics was not a difficult one to imagine. She was just weird like that.

Sighing, Dash opened to the first chapter: "On Potential Subsonic Flow" and wasted no time rubbing her temple with her hoof in confusion.

Twilight, happy to have been so helpful to her good friends, moved on, looking for somepony else who might need her useful help and advice.

Lyra, Bon-Bon, and Berry were doing... something.

"What are you doing?" Twilight asked, unable to put a name to the something.

"Smurbubligurgitz," is what Lyra's response may as well have been, for all the sense it made to Twilight.

"You want to... make candy... that is also alcohol... that will in turn shape-shift you into a monkey?" Twilight translated, slowly, the logic center of her brain resisting every syllable.

The three nodded, smiling. "Since Berry didn't bring a cauldron, and Lyra and I only had one between us, we all compromised," Bon-Bon said, proudly.

"Don't you think that that combination might be... um...?"

They all shrugged.

"We'll cross that bridge when we come to it," Lyra said.

"It'll be fiiiiine," Berry said, throwing a foreleg over Twilight's withers. Her breath was bad.

Twilight had always liked Berry. She was a nice enough pony. Twilight had even once tried to help her with her drinking problem. That, too, had ended in property destruction, though of the mere "single house slightly on fire" variety. But that is a story for another time.

Twilight gently nudged Berry off her. "Okay, well... let me know if something goes wrong... or... right... and I'll help you, okay?"

The three nodded in unison. Bon-Bon nodded her head in a measured, earth pony sort of way. Lyra nodded her head in her typical frenetically energetic style. Berry nodded her head once, then seemed to forget she'd been nodding.

. . .

Twilight waved goodbye to her guests as they left for the evening, carrying their newly-made potions home with them.

Rarity showed up to take Sweetie Belle home, Spike having run and told her and Applejack that the Crusaders had spent their evening at the Cauldron Club a couple of hours ago.

"Sweetie, what have you done to your mane?" Rarity said, after exchanging greetings with Twilight.

Sweetie's pupils rolled together and up, trying to look at her mane. Apple Bloom looked at Sweetie's mane. Scootaloo looked at Sweetie's mane. Spike looked at Sweetie's mane. Twilight looked at Sweetie's mane. None of them noticed even a hair out of place. But then, of course, none of them were Rarity.

"Uhh... nothing?" Sweetie said, confused.

Rarity tut-tutted, producing a brush seemingly out of thin air, and attacking the probably-imagined mussling with zealous determination.

“Howdy, sugarcube,” Applejack greeted, approaching them. There was a touch of apprehension in her voice, but she seemed reassured by the fact that the library was not, in fact, exploded. "Ever'thing... go alright?"

It had been a smashing success! Everything had gone perfectly! And Applejack had thought this was going to be a disaster! HA!

"HA!" Twilight said aloud, forgetting to not say it. Blushing a little and recovering, she said, "I mean, yep! No explosions, no mobs, no property destruction!"

"Ah still think we should've made that explosion potion... we could've gotten our cutie marks in demolitions!" Apple Bloom cut in, grumbling.

"I still have no idea what that was doing in a beginner's book," Twilight said quizzically, musing mostly to herself.

Applejack, honest as she was, could not hide a look. And the look she was looking after the phrase "explosion potion" had been uttered was one of knowing horror. It was the look of one who had seen the very face of chaos, and had just been informed that it could have been worse.

"Well that's... fine, then," Applejack managed. "What... kinda potion did y'all make?"

"Dun dundunDUN!" Scootaloo trumpeted, dramatically revealing an off-purple liquid in a glass bottle as she did so. "Aaaaaaa FLIGHT potion!" Her wings buzzed excitedly.

Applejack was not reassured by the thought of flying Crusaders.

"Oh Applejack! Do close your mouth, dear!" Rarity sniffed. "I'm sure it will be fine! Anyway, hadn't we better be going?" Rarity and Applejack had decided to team up to watch the Crusaders tonight; to turn it into a sort of fun (and, hopefully, chaos-free) sleepover.

"Oh! Uh... yeah! Guess we'd better hit the road, then! Good lu- I mean, uh, good night, Twilight!"

"Good night, girls!" Twilight waved as they left.

"What a good night," she said to Spike, as they went in to get ready for bed. "And you were worried," she scoffed, gently.

All Under Control. Really? No.

Trixie headed to her wagon outside Ponyville, humming happily to herself as she plodded along, her modest (“Dazzling!”) cauldron and her brand new potion suspended alongside her in her pale blue telekinetic aura.

She was proud of herself, and the truth she would never admit to anypony else was that it was the first time in a long time that she really had been. It really had taken courage for her to go to Cauldron Club. She had almost doubted that she could stand the shame and embarrassment that came from simply being around Twilight Sparkle and her friends. Trixie had to admit that her greatness had been a bit too much for Ponyville the first time she visited, and she also had to admit that the Alicorn Amulet incident had been taking things too far.

Zecora followed Trixie at a distance, sneaking stealthily through the bushes. She didn't know what sinister plans the tricky Trixie had in store, but she did not trust her one moment with whatever potion it was that she had made.

Still, Trixie thought, It’ll be hard for them to argue how much you’ve changed when you drink this! She floated the potion she had made in her pale blue telekinetic aura, examining it with a smile. She just wanted everypony to love her as much as she did. As great as she was, it was like she’d be doing them all a service to make them finally notice it too! Why, they should be thanking her! And they will be! she thought to herself happily.

Zecora leaned forward, trying to glean what little she could from a dark-colored liquid in a frosted glass bottle at a distance under moonlight. What she could glean was, understandably, not much.

. . .

Berry Punch was a little under the weather. Well... a little more under the weather than perhaps normal. Like... the weather was positioned at least 15% more directly over her than would be considered the aggregate average.

Metaphorically.

Like... there were no pegasi or rain clouds above her at the moment, so far as she was aware. I mean, there could have been. It was night, though, so she probably wouldn’t be able to see if there were, and she was indoors besides. Okay, you know what? This metaphor has completely gotten out of hand. Berry Punch felt like garbage.

“Ugh,” had been her favorite commentary on the club this evening. She had totally enjoyed herself, but she wasn’t feeling well enough to express that in non-grunt, multisyllabic locution. Which was a shame, because there was a lot to talk about. Talking just happened to make her feel sicker was all.

Thankfully, Lyra and Bon-Bon had offered to let her crash at their place for the night. Their house was a lot closer than her own, and their couch was comfier than her bed was by a mile anyway.

Unthankfully, they didn’t have any cider in their cupboards, or their icebox. Some cider would be just the thing to soothe her massively pounding head and roiling stomach. Yes, that would be just the ticket. Berry licked her dry lips.

“Hello, Berry!”

“Oh no! No! Not you! Not again!” Berry said in a panicked tone, her eyes widening as she turned to face the familiar voice.

Before her stood, in the middle of the kitchen, Cidery the Talking Cider, a pony-sized, frothing mug of hard apple cider that was able to talk.

“Why are you back!? I thought you’d gone away forever! You aren’t real! You aren’t real! They told me you weren’t real and you went away forever! You aren't real!”

“Well, duh, Berry. I mean, seriously. I’m a talking mug of cider. How would that even work in real life? I mean, I don’t have lungs or vocal chords! Plus, how did I get here? Can’t walk, can’t fly, can’t teleport. I mean, really. This should be Main Street, Obvioustowne, here. I’m a hallucination, Berry. I’m not exactly disguising it. Anyway, you should drink some cider. Totally.” The bubbles in Cidery’s frothy head popped and fizzed as he “talked.”

Berry didn't know what to say. Her own hallucination had a point about the fact that it was a hallucination. But sometimes he looked so real. She decided to just respond, "But there isn't any cider here, Cidery."

"Wait, what? Really?" Cidery frothed. "Are you sure? Did you check everywhere?"

Now it was Berry's turn to admonish, and admonish she did, with gusto, "This isn't the first time I've rooted through a friend's house looking for cider, Cidery. Come on now. If it was here, I would have found it," she admonished.

Cidery was admonished. As admonished as a hallucinated giant mug of alcoholic cider could be expected to be, likely. Berry was right, she was quite old hat at this. It was silly of him to think she had missed something in her search. Actually, it was probably silly of Berry to hallucinate Cidery to think that she had missed something in her search, but, well... anyway. Cidery tried not to get too existential. Or... Berry tried not hallucinate Cidery to try to get too existential, I suppose. "Well, what have they got then? Any strong punch?" Cidery tried.

Berry rolled her eyes at her alcohol-induced hallucination. "No. All they have is... wait a minute. The potion!"

"The potion?"

"The potion!"

The potion. It was still on the table, where they'd left it when they'd come in, before everypony had gone to bed.

And it was alcoholic.

Now. The potion that she and Lyra and Bon-Bon had made had been fun to make, but they'd never intended to actually use it for anything. Plus, they'd kept making mistakes. Plus plus, it was really three potions thrown together. Who knew what would happen?

Berry didn't, that was for sure. But what she did know was that there was alcohol in the stuff.

Worth the risk?

Absolutely not!

But Berry's sense of "risk" had always been slightly... off.

"Do it, Berry," whisper-frothed Cidery.

Berry licked her dry lips.

. . .

Carrot Top left the library tree after saying goodbye to Twilight and the others. She trotted home happily, her potion and cauldron secured safely in her little cart.

Hmm. I wonder what I'll use it for? she thought. Maybe I should try telekinesis on something small first? Something soft would be a good idea too.

"Hey! CT!"

Carrot Top was stirred from her thoughts by the familiar voice of one of her best friends: Derpy Hooves, the wall-eyed, bubbly pegasus. She looked up to see Derpy smiling at her, hovering somewhat unsteadily in the evening air.

"Oh! Hi, D!" Carrot top replied, waving her forehoof in greeting.

Derpy landed carefully nearby, she was clumsy by nature, and so had to take great care to land gently on the ground a slight (and safe) distance away. She took two steps towards Carrot Top, tripped, and fell on her face.

She shook her head to clear it and look up at Carrot Top from her new ground-level perspective.

They both started giggling at the same time. This sort of thing happened to Derpy all the time, and she'd learned a long time ago not to let stuff like this bother her. She was a naturally happy and carefree soul, and no amount of clumsiness was going to get in the way of that on her watch! For her part, Carrot Top had learned this about her friend long ago, and was comfortable laughing along with Derpy when stuff like this happened. Which was often.

Carrot Top offered Derpy a hoof up, which her friend accepted with a smile, dusting herself off and fluffing her wings back into shape.

"So hey! Did you go to the club? Was it fun?" Derpy said excitedly, her left eye focus on Carrot Top while her right pupil slowly rolled upward.

Carrot Top has often wondered what it looked like to see in two different directions at the same time, though she rarely gave the question much thought, as even pondering it seemed to give her a headache before long.

"Yeah! It was really fun! Twilight was very nice and helpful, and there were lots of ponies there to talk to!" Carrot Top replied.

"What kinds of potions did you make, CT? Anything cool?"

"Oh," Carrot Top said, a little uncertainly, "I just made the one potion," she said, waving her forehoof back towards her cart. She hoped Derpy might not ask her any more about it. Derpy knew that she had, in the past, struggled a little bit with unicorn and pegasus envy both. Despite what she'd told Twilight, it was a problem she'd had, and Derpy was sure to suspect something if she found out what the potion did.

When Carrot Top had convinced Derpy to take her flying one time "Just to see what it was like," Derpy had been happy to share the skies with her, but afterwards, Carrot Top had started becoming a little bit obsessed with flying. She had dreamt about flying, she had talked about flying, and she had walked around Ponyville looking upwards at clouds all day. It had finally become a problem when she had decided to build a "flying machine" in her back yard, and Derpy had had to rush her to the Ponyville hospital when she had jumped off of her roof to test it.

The broken leg had been no fun, but it had introduced Carrot Top to unicorn healing magic, which she had been thinking about ever since.

Derpy, for her part, had taken it upon herself since the flying machine incident to watch over her friend for signs of her psychological problem re-emerging. She was also much more perceptive than ponies gave her credit for, at least where her friends were concerned. Noticing the slight change in Carrot Top's voice and demeanor when she'd asked about the potion, Derpy's suspicions were immediately aroused. "Just one potion, huh?" she said, her voice brightly and cheerfully masking her suspicions, "What kind? I bet it's something really great!"

"Hmm? Oh, no, D. It's... it's nothing interesting. Just a... a simple plant growth potion. Gonna try to make some super carrots," it felt awful to lie to Derpy, who was likely the nicest and most caring pony she had ever known, but she did have a bit of a problem, and problems could make you do things sometimes.

One of Derpy's eyes narrowed suspiciously at Carrot Top in the gathering dark, the other locked itself squarely upon the cart and its contents. She knew something was up, but she would have to respect CT's privacy... for now. Derpy silently vowed to keep an eye, or both eyes, if she could get them to agree on it, on CT tonight, just in case.

"Oh, okay, well, it's getting late, I guess I'll see you tomorrow, CT!" Derpy said.

"Okay, D! See you tomorrow!" Carrot Top said a tad bit too happily, barely resisting the urge to breathe a sigh of relief.

As Carrot Top walked away and into her house, Derpy ducked around a corner, looking for good vantage points to spy from.

Oh, Derpy. You respect Carrot Top's privacy enough to not press her about the potion, but you think it's perfectly alright to spy on her all night? You silly pony.

. . .

It was a journey of many miles that had brought them here. They were simple creatures, and so were unaware of this fact. Nevertheless, when one considers the odds, one would have to say it may have been fate that had brought them to this place, so far from home.

Gus was a pelican, and tonight he was flying far from the salty winds of his ocean home. By lucky chance, he had scooped up four crabs into his mouth before taking the fairly long flight to his old friend Fluttershy's cottage in the inland pony village of Ponyville.

He was rather looking forward to a lovely crab dinner tonight, but he just wasn't hungry yet. It was a bit annoying, though, feeling their tiny pinching claws inside his mouth the whole trip, but it would all be worth it later.

Simple creatures as they were, the crabs were only dimly aware that their present situation was a dire one, but they were unwilling to simply sit and wait for whatever vaguely conceptualized threat might await them, so pinch they did. They pinched with gusto.

Gus rolled his pelican-y eyes as he felt another annoying pinch inside his mouth. Fortunately, he was almost to Ponyville.

Pelicans can’t really smile, and Gus’s mouth was full, so it would have been a bad idea anyway, but if he could have smiled he would’ve when he sighted the cottage near the edge of the forest. Fluttershy was a wonderful pony. Gentle, kind, a great friend; all the animals loved her. Angel Bunny could be a brat, though.

Gus landed gently near the stream that ran through Fluttershy’s yard. He fluffed his wings a couple times. Whew, long flight. He was starting to get a bit hungry, he supposed, but he thought the stream water might feel good on his wing muscles first.

He waddled two steps toward the stream, tripped, and fell flat on his face. The crabs flew out of his mouth and bumped and rolled down into the stream, disappearing from sight.

Pelicans can’t really frown, but if you could have seen the forlorn look in Gus’s eyes right then... well. You would think they could.

. . .

“My head hurts,” said Rainbow Dash.

“You know what helps me when I have a headache?! CANDY!” Pinkie said in reply, both too loud and too close to Dash’s ears.

Rainbow Dash winced, then sighed. Her wings and neck drooped as she walked. Poncy the bear patted her gently on the back.

“Um. Pinkie? I think Rainbow would like a little...”

“CANDY?!”

“Um. No. Um... quiet. Most ponies like quiet when they have a headache.”

Really?! Pinkie mouthed silently in reply. Oh gosh I feel like a jerk! I’m so sorry Dashie!

Of course, Rainbow Dash wasn’t looking at Pinkie when she mouthed that at her, so of course Pinkie being Pinkie she continued to mouth the words ever more and more intensely.

Fluttershy, free to talk at a normal volume because, well, she was always quiet, said, “Well, the book might have been a little... much, but at least you get to try your new potion out! Imagine the tricks you’ll pull off!”

Rainbow smiled back, “Thanks, Fluttershy. It will be awesome, won’t it?”

Pinkie was silently screaming an apology at Rainbow now, but Rainbow still hadn't caught it, as they'd arrived at Fluttershy's college.

"Thank you all for walking home with me, you didn't have to!" Fluttershy said, smiling at her friends. "Would you like to come in for some tea?"

"That actually sounds fluid dynamics right now... I mean, uh... good. That actually sounds good right now," said Rainbow, her head throbbing with advanced aeronautical theory with every step her hooves took. Geez. That tea must've sounded good: tea wasn't normally a Rainbow Dash kind of beverage.

Pinkie collapsed on the ground panting, her face pinker than usual, her silent apologetic shouts failing to register with their target.

"Um... Pinkie? I think Rainbow Dash forgives you. Would you like some tea?" Fluttershy said, cocking her head slightly as she stared down at her friend.

"Huh?" Dash said.

"Really?! Thanks, Dashie! And tea sounds super-duper!" Pinkie jumped up, smiling brightly. Tea was normally a Pinkie Pie kind of beverage, provided enough sugar was added.

"Oh! Hello, Gus! It's so nice to see you! What brings you here?" Fluttershy said, noticing the pelican looking forlornly at the little stream that ran across her yard.

Gus said nothing. He was a pelican. Pelicans can't talk. Surely you must find the idea of talking animals completely ridiculous?

"Oh dear, you look hungry! I think I have something for you inside, won't you come in with us?" Fluttershy said.

Gus nodded, which was a perfectly normal pelican thing to do, of course.

And so the motley party of pink pony, blue pony, yellow pony, bear, and pelican entered Fluttershy's cozy cottage for some evening tea. Of course nothing could go wrong here. Of course.

. . .

"Gummy freaks me out," Scootaloo decided. She was having an epic staredown with Pinkie Pie's toothless alligator.

"I think he's adorable!" Sweetie Belle squeaked.

"Y'all ain't never gonna win a staring contest with him. Ya know that, right?" Apple Bloom said, paying the competition only passing interest as she munched on an apple.

Scootaloo ignored them and concentrated on the task at hand. Her eyes burned. Gummy's eyes stared blankly back, drifting slowly and slightly outward to both sides.

"Well, this is nice. It's quieter'n ah might've hoped tonight," said Applejack to Rarity as the two watched over the Crusaders from some distance away, on Applejack's couch. And it was true. Considering they were pet-sitting Winona the dog, Opal the cat, and Gummy the alligator tonight, not to mention the CMC, it was proving to be a very relaxing evening.

Rarity nodded her agreement, "Oh, indeed."

Scootaloo's eyes were on fire. Tears streamed down her face. Her eyelids twitched like racers at the starting gate. Gummy's eyes remained blank. His mouth opened slightly, revealing his toothless gums. A cocky expression of triumph, perhaps? Or maybe he just needed to dry his mouth out, who knows. Maybe his jaws muscles were just taking a short break.

Blink.

"Aaaauuugh!" said the little orange pegasus.

"Aww, it's okay. You did really well!" said Sweetie, patting Scootaloo on the back.

Scootaloo, rubbing her eyes, gave Gummy one more appraising look. "What... are you?!" she said, melodramatically.

Sweetie and Apple Bloom rolled their eyes. They really did have excellent technique.

Gummy blinked, one eye at a time.

Winner and still champion, folks. He may have to challenge Fluttershy someday.

"So, Applejack, dear, how are things going around the farm?" asked Rarity.

"Things are goin' okay. We're gettin' set up for zap apple season. Gotta get all our ducks in a row before harvest time, 'cause it's so short."

"I was so sorry to miss our dinner date the other night, I was simply swamped at the Boutique."

"Aw, that's all right, Rare. I've had stuff come up before too."

"Yes, well," Rarity said, staring at the floor, "I don't want to be... that pony, if you know what I mean."

"Uhhh... no?" Applejack said, raising an eyebrow. "What pony?"

"The pony who puts her work and herself before her friends. Like I did on Twilight's birthday."

Applejack furrowed her brow in thought for a second, "Ya mean that time in Canterlot, when ya wanted to go to that fancy party that was happening at the same time as Twilight's?"

"...And I didn't finish Twilight's dress because I was too busy going to social events, yes," Rarity said, looking a little sad. She sniffed. "Some Element of Generosity I am."

"Well, Ah don't know much about fancy parties and dresses, and Ah wonder sometimes how much stock we should really put in them fancy rocks of ours, but Ah do figure that Ah fit the bill of Element of Honesty pretty darn good. So listen to me when Ah tell you, honestly, that there ain't nopony Ah know who's more generous'n you, Rare. Anypony who says otherwise is a darn liar."

Rarity was a bit taken aback. Applejack could be as blunt with her compliments as she was with everything else, but that was one of the things her friends liked about her. "T-thank you, Applejack, that's very kind of you to say."

Applejack smiled. "Rare, if you think Ah'm just gonna sit here and watch that goofy pegasus filly stare at an alligator all night 'n' let you beat yourself up over nothin', then y'all got another thing comin'."

"Goofy?!" said Scootaloo from across the room, having only caught the bit about her. She didn't break eye contact with Gummy, though. Staredown: Round 2 was just getting heated up.

"Well, you are pretty goofy," Apple Bloom observed, offhoofedly.

Applejack gave Rarity a sidelong glance and a wry grin, "'Sides," she said, "Ah think ya were just fishin' for compliments anyway."

There was that bluntness again. Rarity turned a corner of her mouth down and rolled her eyes in an over-exaggerated fashion in a perfectly dainty display of annoyance.

"My eyes... like... fire..." Scootaloo said in a strained voice. Gummy stared back, unmoved. Pitiless. Quite possibly oblivious.

"Ah know! Let's try out that potion!" Apple Bloom said suddenly, ruffling through a saddlebag on the floor nearby and producing from it the flight potion they'd made earlier that evening.

Applejack's eyes shot wide open, her pupils shrinking to pinpricks.

. . .

Trixie reached her wagon, setting her cauldron down and carefully examining her potion once more.

Zecora peered from the bushes.

"I've been laughed at," Trixie said to herself suddenly, staring at the potion. Well, staring more through it than at it, really. Her voice sounded somewhat tired, somewhat distant.

Zecora was a bit taken aback for a moment, at the sudden sound of Trixie's voice in what had until now been a mostly silent evening, as well as the fact that she had not referred to herself in third person, as she always did. Zecora found herself suddenly conscious of the fact that she was intruding on what should have been a private moment for Trixie. She felt a bit ashamed of herself. She found herself thinking back to her early days in Ponyville, when everypony had regarded her with fear and suspicion.

She reminded herself that this was Trixie, of all ponies. She could be plotting another scheme, or at least might be trying to get back at Twilight somehow.

"I've been laughed at. I've been humiliated. I've been ridiculed," Trixie continued to herself, still staring thoughtfully at the potion. "I just wanted to show everypony I was great," she gave a sad half-sigh, half-laugh, "I guess I'm not so great after all. Everypony seems to agree on that, at least. They can't really all be wrong, can they?"

Zecora was shocked to see this side of Trixie. She seemed so... beat down. For the first time in her life, Zecora felt herself feeling sad for the arrogant showmare.

"Twilight Sparkle," the words were... complicated coming out of Trixie's mouth. Zecora could hear bitter jealousy, grudging admiration, and even a bit of anger and fear with each syllable, "Twilight Sparkle... is right. I'm alone and unloved because I have no friends. Because I need to change. But how can I?" Trixie slumped to her haunches, her gaze drifting to the ground. A few tears collected in her eyes, sparkling in the faint evening light, reflecting the pale blue of the telekinetic aura sparkling around the potion bottle.

She blinked them away. Throwing a determined look on her face, pulling herself back together, Trixie stood. She brought the potion bottle closer. "This," Trixie said, her voice beginning to steel with resolve, "This is the only way."

What could that possibly mean? How can friendship a potion glean? Zecora thought to herself. Then, it clicked. Twilight's spellbook that Trixie had tried so hard to hide during Cauldron Club. The odd ingredients Zecora had watched Trixie assemble. Trixie's desire, but weak ability to make friends. A potion that could make friends for her. Zecora had not been present when Twilight had originally cast her now-infamous want-it need-it spell, nor had Trixie, but word of the embarrassing incident had spread quite far quite quickly. If this potion was an infusion of that spell, and Trixie was planning to drink it.... Oh no! It isn't so!

Trixie uncorked the bottle, and brought it to her mouth, the first few drops of liquid touching her lips just as Zecora burst out of the bushes, shouting, "Don't drink that brew! You don't know what it'll do to you!"

. . .

"Do it, Berry," frothed Cidery the Talking Hard Cider, as she reached for the potion on the table.

Berry licked her dry lips once more. She uncorked the bottle, raising it to her mouth.

. . .

Derpy watched from Carrot Top's neighbor's roof, spying through Carrot Top's window.

Inside, Carrot Top was getting a pillow, and placing it on a chair. One of Derpy's eyes started to drift, but she forced it back to focus. What could CT be doing?

Walking to the other side of the room, Carrot Top stepped up to the small table on which her potion sat, and uncorked it with her teeth. Taking a small swig, Carrot Top's face scrunched up. Guess it doesn't taste very good, huh, CT?

It looked like a very small bump had formed on Carrot Top's forehead. She turned to face the pillow in the chair, her face intense with concentration. To Derpy's utter shock, a very, very faint yellow aura began to slowly form around the pillow. Carrot Top's eyes narrowed, and she grit her teeth. The pillow began to rise, floating in mid-air a couple inches off the chair. Unicorn magic?! Oh no... oh no... this can't be good.

The pillow dropped, and Carrot Top did a happy little dance. She looked over at the potion bottle, still almost completely full. A thoughtful look crossed her face.

Oh no.

Carrot Top new telekinetic aura wrapped around the potion bottle and lifted it up.

Oh no!

The bottle began to float towards Carrot Top.

Derpy jumped up from her spying spot, aiming herself at the window.

Carrot Top brought the bottle to her lips.

Derpy's wings beat furiously as she dove at the window. "Don't do it, CT!" she shouted.

Carrot Top upended the bottle, gulping down the entire thing in a matter of seconds.

. . .

Four crabs crawled out of the stream by Fluttershy's house. Where would they go now?

. . .

Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Poncy Vurpawven the bear, and Gus the pelican were enjoying tea.

Or, to be more techically accurate, they were drinking it, but not particularly enjoying it.

"This doesn't taste very good, Fluttershy. No offense, I'm not a tea drinker anyway," Dash said. Making a face as she took another sip. "Maybe the honey's gone bad? Or the milk?" she gamely tried another sip, wincing again at the taste as she did so.

"Oh dear, do you think so? And it seems like I just got both recently.... Wait a minute."

"Hmm?" Dash said from around her cup.

Fluttershy's yellow face went white. "I don't remember bringing the milk or the honey out here."

"Then what did we... oh. Oh no!" Dash's eyes scanned the table. On it was various tea-related paraphenalia: cups, saucers, a teapot... and the potion bottles, now half-empty. One contained a viscous yellow potion, the other a milky white one. Well. That was a pretty embarrassing mistake.

Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash's eyes shot wide. They looked at each other, their mouths agape. Then they passed out.

Pinkie and Poncy followed suit.

Gus's mouth was full of tea, but he had not yet swallowed (it's a pelican thing). He looked around him for a couple seconds, his eyes wide with shock and confusion, then he set his teacup down and slowly backed out of the room.

. . .

"Ugh!" Scootaloo said, dropping the potion bottle on the floor and wiping her mouth with her foreleg. "This stuff tastes gross!"

The other two Crusaders gathered around Scootaloo excitedly, waiting to see what was going to happen.

Applejack and Rarity watched from a ("safe" in AJ's case, peering over the couch from behind it, and "comfortable" in Rarity's, lazing upon it gracefully) distance away, Applejack with growing unease and Rarity with passing interest.

None of them watched as Gummy the alligator waddled over to the still-mostly-full potion bottle that had landed so roughly on the floor.

. . .

"What a perfect evening," said Twilight contendedly as she crawled into bed.

"Can't I have just a few more cookies?"

"No, Spike! It's time for bed! You've had enough!"

Spike crawled into bed, grumbling under his breath, "I'll tell you when I've had enough!"

Twilight sighed as she pulled up the covers. Yes, just a perfect evening!

Author's Note

Took longer than I thought it would! This writing thing is pretty hard!

I expect the next part I'll break into many smaller chapters. I find that stories read easier that way anyway.

Thank you so much for reading, all!

Really Under No Control, All.

Gus the pelican had had enough. He'd come to Fluttershy's for a friendly visit and a little relaxation. In the few minutes he had been here he had lost his dinner, fallen on his face, and had seen his hostess and the other guests all pass out from the tea.

He still had some of the tea in his mouth. He hadn't swallowed it yet (it was a pelican thing), and he was debating whether to simply spit it all out in the stream, or take the sample to Fluttershy's often-mentioned smart friend Twilight Sparkle to analyze it. Wherever she was.

Gus stood outside Fluttershy's house, weighing his options, when Poncy the bear burst out the door, cradling one of the potions in his furry bear arm. He stumbled towards the bridge, then collapsed against it.

Hmm. Well, that didn’t look good.

A few moments later, the door burst open again, and three ponies clad head-to-hoof in black leapt and somersaulted out. Their faces were covered by masks, but the masks had been cut in the back to allow a long pink mane, a rainbow-hued mane, and a poofy pink mane to stream out behind them. Similar consideration had been made for the tails.

Gus found himself wondering where the costumes had come from. It was probably not the first question he should have had. Perhaps something more along the lines of “Why are Rainbow Dash, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy ninjas?” might have been a better first question, but ponies were weird, and Gus was willing to skip that one.

But where had the costumes come from? I mean, it had only been a few minutes. They hadn’t exactly had time to make ninja outfits. Did Fluttershy just keep ninja clothes in her house, just in case? Had Pinkie Pie broken physics again and simply produced them out of nowhere? Was it some kind of... magic?

Anyway, they didn’t seem quite normal. To say the least. Gus was really not an especially profound observer.

Fluttershy stood before the other two, staring intensely into their eyes. Then, in a loud, confident, and decidedly un-Fluttershy-like voice, said, "For the honor of the Shogun, we will scale the wall of Ponyshima Castle and make war upon our enemies! But remember that you are ninja, and we must strike only when the time is right! Remember you are the invisible shadow from which the shuriken flies! Remember that your foe cannot fight what he cannot see, and that, so long as you remain unseen, your foe is in defeat! You will remember this!"

"Banzai! Banzai! Banzai!" cried Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. And then the three disappeared into the nighttime shadows.

Huh.

Well.

That was weird.

Gus shrugged, which was a perfectly normal pelican thing to do. He decided right then that he was not going to wait around and see how this turned out. He flapped his wings a couple of times to warm his muscles up a bit, when he spotted some bears come out of the woods, and head to the bridge to check on Poncy.

Well, that was good. At least Poncy would get a little attention. Wait. Wait a minute. Were those... they were! Gus's crab dinner was lounging on the creekside beside the bridge, under where Poncy had collapsed! What luck!

He waddled over, opening his still-full-of-mystery-tea mouth, preparing to scoop up the four delectable crabs.

One of the bears dropped Poncy's potion bottle, and it splashed all over the little crustaceans.

Gus didn’t care. A little seasoning wouldn’t hurt.

He opened his mouth and scooped up the little glowing crabs. Wait, glowing? Gus, the crabs are glowing. That’s, like, Do Not Eat 101. Unfortunately, eating things, glowing or not, was a perfectly normal pelican thing to do, and this pelican in particular was not going to be stopped by a little eerie glowing. He was hungry.

A couple flaps of his big wings, and they took off.

Do you know what happens when you combine crabs, tea, not-quite-correctly-made-old-mariner's-swimming-potion, definitely-not-correctly-made-thousand-year-old-bat-pony-agility-potion, and... whatever honey-looking potion Pinkie Pie had made? Well, don't feel too bad. Nopony else does either. Gus sure didn't.

. . .

Poncy the bear awoke in a daze. The three ponies were passed out around him. What had been wrong with that tea?!

Stumbling to his feet, Poncy found his swimming potion (apparently it had been Pinkie Pie's and Rainbow Dash's potions that had been mistaken for milk and honey, as his was untouched), and lurched his way out the door into the cool night air.

Stumbling towards the woods, his vision swimming and his balance way off, Poncy had to stop several times to rest.

Coming up on the cute little bridge over the cute little stream, he found himself collapsing against the cute wooden railing.

Poncy wasn't sure how long he lay there, in and out of consciousness, but he thought he saw Gus the pelican the first time he opened his eyes, ninja ponies the second time he opened his eyes, and more bears leaning over him the third time he opened his eyes.

The fourth and fifth and sixth and so on times he opened his eyes were much the same as the third. This was his first clue that the third time he had opened his eyes had signified his return to consciousness.

His throat felt parched.

His bear friends surrounded him, concerned looks on their furry bear faces. One of them gave him a little water. It tasted funny. He made a face.

A look of confusion crossed the face of the bear that had given Poncy the water. He took a sniff from the glass bottle the water had been in. He tasted it. It did seem a little odd.

Turning to the other three behind him, the bear shot them a look that said "Does this water taste funny to you?"

The three each tried a sip of the bottle of water, and shot him a look in turn that said, "Yes, it does taste rather odd."

Now, this seems like an important moment to talk a little bit about water safety. If you see somepony (or somebear) passed out, holding a bottle containing a clear liquid, it is important to consider the possibility that the liquid contained in that bottle might not be water.

Now, this seems like an important moment to talk a little bit about potion safety. When making a potion, especially one that is clear and may resemble water, it is customary to add a dye to it, so that it is less likely to be mistaken for water. Also, you should always label your potions so that somepony coming across one will know what it does before they consume it. Also also, in the event that you accidentally imbibe a potion thinking that it is water (especially if it has been made by an amateur and is likely to have several errors), the best course of action is to cap it and set it aside, and then seek magical help.

The best course of action is not to knock the bottle over, spilling it over the side of a bridge and onto some crabs as they crawl out of a stream, just before they are scooped up by a wandering pelican, then panic as you and your friends begin to turn into bear-sharks. For example.

. . .

Scootaloo buzzed her wings, her eyes closed tightly in concentration. She felt maybe a little lighter. Was the potion working? She opened her eyes to see that she was still on the ground.

"Aww! It didn't work!"

"Are ya sure? Maybe yer just not tryin' hard enough?" Apple Bloom suggested.

Scootaloo's reply was a flat stare that was half exasperation, half glare.

"... Or... maybe ya are," Apple Bloom backpedaled. Masterful recovery.

"You probably just have to drink a little more of it!" suggested Sweetie Belle. Admirable observation, Sweetie. Keep those other two on track; atta girl.

"Oh. Oh yeah. That makes sense," Scootaloo said, embarrassed. "It just tastes so awful!" she said, and made a face to match: eyes closed and tongue out.

"Well, ya gotta try it out at least!" Apple Bloom countered.

"I know, I know, just give me a sec. I dropped it around here somewh- hey!" Scootaloo said in surprise as she found it.

"Hey?" said Sweetie.

"It's empty!"

"Whut? Did ya spill it all?" Apple Bloom accused.

"No! There's hardly any on the floor! Where did it all go?"

"Oh no," said Sweetie softly, looking up. "Uh, girls?"

"Well it went somewhere! If ya got some on the floor and we don't clean it up and it gets all sticky, Ah'm not gonna get in trouble for it!" Apple Bloom said, eyes searching the floor for missed spots of potion.

"Girls?"

“Look, I told you there isn’t any on the floor! Do you see any on the floor? I don’t!” Scootaloo countered Apple Bloom hotly.

Sweetie Belle gave an exasperated little growl. “I know where it went.”

“Whut about that spot there?!”

“Girls!” Sweetie said. She put one forehoof under Apple Bloom’s chin and the other under Scootaloo’s, and tilted their heads back.

Gummy was on the ceiling, his four tiny legs flailing uselessly in the air. Flying is, I assure you, not a perfectly normal alligator thing to do.

“My potion!” Scootaloo said.

“Uh... sis?” said Apple Bloom.

Applejack’s reply was querulous in tone, but her actual words were muffled by the couch she was hiding behind. It was probably something along the lines of “Whut?”

“Gummy is flying.”

"Mumble?"

“She said Gummy is flying, dear. Honestly, you really are being too silly about this potion business,” Rarity interjected, not looking up from the book she’d been reading. “They’re perfectly safe.”

Applejack peeked over the couch, saw Gummy floating across the ceiling, and paused in thought. Breathing deeply, she let out a nervous sigh. She supposed Rarity was right. Flying alligators weren’t really all that big of a deal. It was just... potions had a 100% chance of backfiring in her experience, and in horrible and unpredictable ways. She didn’t trust them. And the thought of the mischief and chaos her sister and her friends usually got up to, combined with the idea of them flying all over the place... well. Her paranoia was perhaps slightly more justified than Rarity thought.

“Okay, Ah guess you’re right,” said Applejack, sounding unsure. She walked out from behind the couch slowly.

The five ponies gathered underneath the tiny toothless alligator, staring up at him.

He blinked down at them, one eye, then the other.

He began to drift slowly to one side.

“Welp, he’s movin’.” Apple Bloom observed, in the type of casual conversational tone one naturally employs when there is a flying alligator in your home.

“Yep,” replied her sister.

“Should I go and get Big Macintosh? Perhaps he could get the little fellow down?” suggested Rarity.

“He’s tall, sugarcube, but even he ain’t that tall.” It was true. The Apples’ living room ceiling was quite high up. “Can’t you grab ‘im with that fancy horn of yours?”

“Oh, I suppose I could,” said Rarity, a little embarrassed that Applejack the earth pony had thought of it before she had. Her horn glowed faintly purple. “Or... perhaps not? I can’t seem to grab hold of him. Perhaps it’s a side-effect of the potion?”

“Well, that reassures me none at all,” Applejack said.

“Mumble grumble stole my potion. Mumble grumble stupid cheating alligator. Mumble grumble creepy. Mumble grumble I could be immune to magic or whatever,” was basically the gist of Scootaloo’s ongoing monologue throughout the conversation.

Eventually, watching the alligator drift lost its entertainment value. Because, you know, flying alligator. Ho hum.

Applejack figured that he’d come down eventually, when the potion wore off, like one of Pinkie’s balloons. Everypony agreed that that was probably the case, and, one by one, found something else to do.

Gummy began to drift towards the upper window. The upper window, fortunately, was almost never open. The upper window, unfortunately, was open. Big Mac had been cleaning the windows earlier that day, and he’d sprayed it with a hose. Apparently, he’d knocked it ajar.

Nopony really noticed this.

. . .

Gus was decidedly uncomfortable.

This was because the glowing crabs in his mouth had started to grow. Not only was he running out of mouth room, but the pinches were getting stronger. Also, they would not shut up. Wait. Gus. Crabs don’t talk, Gus.

PINCH.

Okay. Ow. You know what? This was not worth it. Nothing was worth the night he’d had so far. Forget this. Gus spit out the crabs, tea and all.

Gus was done. He was going home. Maybe next time he visited Fluttershy, things wouldn’t be so crazy.

But then.

You know.

Ponies.

So they probably would be.

. . .

Four crabs fell from the sky, growing exponentially in size and intelligence as they did so.

. . .

A thundering crash shook the Apple house.

“Whut in the hay was that?!” Applejack shouted, startled.

“It sounded like something big crashed outside!” said Sweetie Belle.

Alarmed, the five ponies in the living room, plus Big Macintosh and Granny Smith ran outside.

There was a massive crater in the zap apple field. Applejack was horrified. “The zap apples!” was all she could think to say. And yeah, the destruction of your livelihood is cause for concern. She was completely shellshocked.

Suddenly, over the rim of the crater, a giant red claw appeared! Sweetie Belle shrieked.

Emerging, dazed, over the side of the crater, were four gigantic crabs, each probably about the size of the Apples’ market stall cart.

"They're giant crabs!" said Apple Bloom.

"Whoa!" said one of the crabs.

"They're mutant giant crabs!" squeaked Sweetie Belle.

"Bogus!" said another of the crabs.

"They're teenage mutant giant crabs!" Said Scootaloo.

Rarity narrowed her eyes.

Wherein Trixie Makes a Poor Decision

Trixie uncorked the bottle, and brought it to her mouth, the first few drops of liquid touching her lips just as Zecora burst out of the bushes, shouting, "Don't drink that brew! You don't know what it'll do to you!"

The result would have been hilarious if it wasn't utterly ineffective. Trixie spit and sputtered in surprise, half the liquid in her throat and half the liquid still in her mouth. Choking, coughing, spitting, and staggering backwards, she backed right into her modest ("dazzling!") cauldron, tripped, and fell into it. Knocking it over and rolling it into her wagon in the process. Actually, the result was still kind of hilarious.

Zecora resisted, barely (oh, so barely), the urge to break out laughing. The cauldron had come to a rest leaning at an angle against Trixie's wagon. Four hooves, a tuft of tail, and a wrinkled cape stuck out of the top of it comically. The little tips of Trixie’s hooves wiggled in the air, trying ineffectively to pull their owner out of her cauldron.

Zecora stepped up to help. “I didn’t mean to scare. Are you alright in there?” She put her forehooves up on the lid of the cauldron and pulled, tipping it forward.

“Of course! The Great and Powerful Trixie has never been better!” said the Great and Powerful Trixie almost, almost nonchalantly, just slightly too loudly. Her voice sounded distant and tinny as it echoed out of the cauldron.

The cauldron tipped forward, spilling out a unicorn that looked anything but great and powerful. Her mane and coat were splashed with potion. She rolled out of the cauldron, coming to a graceful, delicate rest on her face. Her wrinkled and damp cape flopped over her head. Her star-spangled hat had apparently fallen off in the cauldron.

Zecora once again resisted (just barely) the urge to laugh. That’s some iron discipline, Zecora. After all, Trixie cut quite the image. Laying on her face on the dirt road, her shapely flanks sticking up awkwardly in the air, her strong, but feminine legs twisted up beneath her under her resplendent, dirty old cape. Wait... what? Trixie didn’t drink any of that potion, did she? Did she swallow any?

Zecora’s vision was tinting slightly pink. Before she could start panicking, Trixie got herself upright, and threw the cape back off of her face.

Revealing a goddess.

A messy, sputtering, indignant, haughty goddess. “What is the meaning of this? What do you think you’re... um. Hello?” Trixie said.

Zecora just stared. Her mouth hung open. Those eyes. Those violet eyes. Those soft lips, bent into an imperious frown. Her beautiful, dirty, sticky, tousled, wet, dishevelled, dazzling mane. Zecora really liked her mane.

“Um...? Hello?” Trixie tried again, confusion replacing annoyance in her features.

Zecora kept staring. A small line of drool formed at the corner of her mouth.

“Wow. Um. Are you... are you alright?” Trixie said, concern replacing confusion in her features. Then, it hit her. Of course! The potion! Well, apparently it was working. She’d only intended to try a sip now, to taste it. She had hoped to test it out fully before her next performance. She sighed. It was all gone now, but she supposed it was lucky at least somepony had been around to confirm that it worked. At least she could always make another.

Trixie was interrupted from her reverie when she was full-on tackled by Zecora. She grunted as she was knocked back to the ground. Trixie lay on her back, looking up at a... disturbingly smiling Zecora standing straddled over her.

This made Trixie, understandably, quite uncomfortable.

“Trixie is the pony Zecora desires. Her beauty sets my heart afire!” said Zecora earnestly, a crazy edge to her voice.

“O... kay. Well this is... uh. It’s a bit sudden, isn’t it?” Trixie managed, panicking inwardly. This situation was getting rapidly out of hoof. She leaned forward to get up, and was forced roughly back down on her back by Zecora’s hoof on her chest.

“The feelings in my heart you feed. Trixie is what I need!” and slowly, oh so slowly, Zecora leaned down, rolled her tongue out of her mouth, and licked up the side of Trixie’s face.

This made Trixie, understandably, quite a great deal more uncomfortable.

“Okay! Right! Well! That’s enough of that!” said Trixie in a much-louder-and-faster-than-conversational tone, picking Zecora up with her telekinesis. Zecora struggled fiercely to close the growing distance between them as Trixie levitated her further and further away.

“Trixie, don’t make me plead! You’re the pony I want and the pony I need!” Zecora was shouting now, eyes wide with desperation as she struggled to break free.

“Trixie is sorry to have to do this, Zecora,” Trixie said, biting her lower lip, eyes searching the forest for a thin spot in the trees as she levitated the zebra. Thinking quickly, she added, “You can have another custom doorstop. Free! Trixie promises!” and with a telekinetic heave she hurled Zecora into the woods as far as she could.

Realizing that wasn’t going to buy her much time, Trixie didn’t waste a moment turning on her hooves and galloping back towards Ponyville as fast as possible. Twilight Sparkle can fix this. Twilight Sparkle can fix this. Twilight Sparkle can fix this. Trixie hoped to herself with each hoofbeat.

Trixie. Ponyville is not the place you should be heading. Seriously.

. . .

Zecora crawled out of the trees and bushes, sticks and leaves in her mane and dirt on her face. “Playing hard to get, Trixie my dear? I will find you. Have no fear,” she said, grinning like a maniac. She licked her lips.

. . .

There was a blinding white light, and a magical shockwave.

Derpy was bounced and buffeted by the wave of magical energy as she was launched back into the sky.
Fighting to regain control, Derpy tried to get her bearings. This is doubly hard when your eyes have different opinions on what you should look at.

Flailing around confusedly, Derpy shouted, “Are you okay?! CT! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?!”

Finally, Derpy righted herself, and turned around to face Carrot Top’s house.

Just in time to narrowly dodge a yellow blast of magical energy.

“Whoa! What the-?”

Derpy pumped her wings and dove back towards CT’s house. Another blast was emitted, then another, but Derpy dodged them both. The second one was so close, she could feel the heat coming off of it.

As she got closer, Derpy could see that half of Carrot Top’s house had been blown off. Part of the second floor had collapsed out the hole that had once been the easterly side of the house, and Derpy could see Carrot Top on top of the pile of rubble, eyes closed, tears streaming from her face. An enormous horn was jutting out of her forehead.

As Derpy noted this, the horn lit up, and another blast launched out of it skyward in a random direction.

“CT!”

“D! Help me!” cried Carrot Top, “I can’t control it I can’t control it I can’t control it I can’t control it!”

Oh no.

Derpy landed next to Carrot Top, putting a reassuring hoof around her friend’s shoulders. “Shh. Shh. It’s okay. It’s okay. Calm down. You’re okay. Calm down.” Derpy could feel the electric tingle of magical energy around her friend, like a powerful magnetic field.

“Oh, D! What have I done! I can’t control it, D! What am I going to do?!” Carrot Top cried.

“Nothing to worry about, just stay calm,” Derpy said, soothingly.

“But...” she stopped. Both of them could feel a powerful surge building around her body.

Oh no.

Carrot Top squeezed her eyes shut. “Stop! Stop stop stop stop stop!” she tried to will the magical energy in her. But it kept building. This was going to be a big one.

“Just stay ca-”

BOOM.

Derpy was launched away from Carrot Top, tumbling down the mountain of rubble that had once been half a house.

The white hot blast was the size of a pony, and launched off into the sky at a crazy, low angle, striking several roofs, which promptly caught fire.

OH NO.

“What have I done?!” cried Carrot Top, running off into the night. Driven nearly senseless by the forces inside her. Her head was like one thousand crushing migraines. Her body felt as though stung by a thousand bees. And the sensitive horn felt as though it were on fire.

. . .

Derpy wasn’t sure if it was minutes or hours later when she woke up, but it took her a couple seconds to remember what had happened, another couple of seconds to see that Carrot Top was gone, and another couple of seconds to spot the fires.

“I feel like this is an appropriate time to point out to nopony in particular that I just don’t know what went wrong,” sighed Derpy, then launched herself off to find some rain clouds as quickly as possible.

. . .

Mayor Mare scrambled out of bed. What was all this noise about?

She looked out the window. Part of the town was on fire.

She sighed.

“This has something to do with Twilight Sparkle,” she said, matter-of-factly.

Ah well. Duty calls! And she dashed outside to rouse and organize the volunteer fire brigade.

The many... incidents around town since Twilight Sparkle had moved in had made the fire brigade a very efficient team, and the mayor was in good practice with organizing them. It was only a few minutes before they were grouped up outside the town hall, most with buckets in mouths or in telekinetic fields.

The mayor briefly consulted the elected fire brigade chief, a yellow pegasus mare named Raindrops, and together they quickly settled on a plan: the pegasi would spread out and collect what rain clouds they could find from the surrounding area, and bring them back to Ponyville. Meanwhile, a bucket line of earth ponies would run buckets of water from the water tower to the fire zone, where the unicorns would dump them where they were needed.

"Ready, everypony?" said Raindrops, "We'll have this under control in no-"

At this point, Trixie ran panting through the crowd, pursued by a variety of small animals (apparently, Fluttershy's now abandoned cottage had been on the way), and Zecora, whose tongue was lolling out of her mouth. Trixie kept shouting with ragged breaths, "Trixie must find Twilight Sparkle! Twilight Sparkle can fix this!"

Ho boy.

"Was that... Trixie?! What is she doing here?! Last time she was in town, she locked me in a bird cage!" said Mayor Mare angrily.

Raindrops was too busy trying to figure out what was so familiar about the way her vision was tinting pink to respond. Then, it hit her. Oh no. Not this agai- "Come back! Trixie! I want you! I need you!" and she launched herself after her.

Mayor Mare looked confused for only a moment, before the effect of Trixie's potion kicked in on her too. "Oh, no you don't! Trixie! You can lock me up any time! Trixie!" cried the mayor as she took off running after them, the entire Ponyville Volunteer Fire Brigade hot on her heels.

Ho boy.

. . .

"Whu-?" said Twilight Sparkle, with the lucid eloquence of a poet.

She'd been awoken by something? Was it a noise? A flash of light?

Shaking her head to try to get the cobwebs of sleep out of it, she struggled out from under her bedsheets, and made her way towards her bedroom window.

Opening and closing her mouth, Twilight stepped up to the window. Rubbing her bleary eyes with a foreleg, she looked out. Hmm. Ponyville. Riot around that flagpole over there that Trixie is up on. Fires. Magic blasts randomly shooting into the sky. Hmm. Twilight closed her eyes and yawned.

She stopped mid-yawn.

"Oh, jeez! Oh jeez!"

Grabbing her telescope with her telekinesis, she decided to get a handle on the situation from the nearby hilltop. That should provide her with a good view of the whole town! Oh, but she'd need Spike's help on this one!

. . .

"Oh, hello again, Princess Luna!" said Spike.

Luna smiled. "Greetings, Prince Spike! How go things in thy kingdom?"

"Oh, fine, fine. The castle keeps melting, but you'll have that."

"Considering thy choice of building material, 'tis no wonder, indeed."

Spike shrugged, adjusting his pointed waffle crown. "Gotta work with what we've got."

"Oh, make no mistake, 'tis an admirable structure! It certainly puts my own castle to shame!"

Spike smiled. "Thank you, Princess,” then, a somewhat thoughtful look crossed his features, “Do you mind if I ask you something?"

"Prince Spike, thou need not ask my permission for such a thing! This is thy kingdom, after all!"

"Well, yeah, but that's kind of part of it. As the Princess of the Night, it's your duty to visit lots of ponies' dreams, right? To make sure they have good dreams?"

"'Tis a bit more complicated than making sure their dreams are sweet, actually. I try to help them learn the lessons their dreams are trying to teach them, but yes, that is one of my most important duties."

"Then... how come you visit mine so often?"

Luna laughed heartily. "Because the night is long, and I have many ponies to visit, and sometimes," a dark look crossed Luna's face, briefly, "Some dreams can be... difficult to experience," she raised her eyes back to Spike, smiling once more, "So, I think thee can see the advantage of dreams that so reliably contain so much ice cream."

Spike, Emperor of Ice Cream Land and Lord of Ice Cream Castle, said to his frequent visitor, affecting in his voice the pomp befitting his noble office, "Indeed I can, fair Princess Luna."

Luna giggled.

Spike continued unflappably in his prince voice, "The importance of ice cream is something I can... uh... totally understand!"

"I might have said 'something I can well and truly understand,'" said Luna, as she finished off her generous, if imaginary, bowl of rocky road.

Prince Spike shrugged, and met her with a level gaze. In a mock-serious tone, he said, "Well, we do things different here in the Ice Cream Empire."

"I shall try to remember-" suddenly, Luna tilted her head up and cocked it slightly to one side, as if hearing something that only she could hear. She sighed. "I am sorry, Spike, but I am afraid I must go."

"Oh. Okay. Drop by anytime, Princess."

"I will, thank you," said Luna, and vanished, presumably to some other pony's dream, where she was needed.

It was just as well, because Twilight was shaking him awake. He could always tell, because all the ice cream in Ice Cream Castle turned lavender and started saying his name when she did that.

"Spike! Spike! I think we may have a problem! Spike!"

Spike sighed.

Author's Note

This was the most fun chapter to write so far! I really am surprised just how much fun Zecora and Trixie are to write.

Oh, and in case it gets pointed out, Luna isn't using the "royal we" anymore simply because that seems to be the case in the show. Seems like she's taken some of Twilight's suggestions from Luna Eclipsed to heart. Since that episode, she's pretty consistently used "I," and also the VOLUME OF HER VOICE has decreased. Atta girl Luna, good to see you're adjusting!

Twilight is Going to Figure This Out

It was the darkest part of the night.

That was good.

The night is the ninja’s ally.

Three black-clad ponies silently leapt from roof to roof, signalling to each other with hoof gestures as they went. Either unaware, or forgetting that they had wings trapped inside their ninja gear, the two pegasus ponies leapt and bounded like grasshoppers. For the earth pony, leaping came naturally.

The three finally came to a crouching rest on a rooftop overlooking Sugarcube Corner.

The structure rose up from the square like a monument; a towering structure that resembled an enormous dessert. Clearly, this was the armory of the treacherous Daimyo, who held these lands in her sway through treachery and force.

“Pinkie-Kage, you will enter silently, and attempt to gain the trust of the guards. See if they can be persuaded to abandon their loyalty to the Daimyo,” said Master Flutter-Riko, a steel edge to her voice.

“Sore wa anata no komando to shitedenakereba naranai! Shōgun no meiyo no tame ni!”[1] said Pinkie-Kage, her voice sounding deep, dark, and serious.

“Master! Allow me to enter and seize the place by force! It will take me only seconds!” said the third ninja, boastfully.
Master Flutter-Riko glared reproachfully at the brash young warrior, “You forget your place, Dashisamu! The time is not right for violence! Remember that the viper strikes only once, and must choose that moment carefully!”

Dashisamu was cowed by her master’s harsh rebuke, and nodded, gritting her teeth beneath her mask.

The matter settled, Pinkie-Kage was gone without a whisper, the other two ninja left silently watching the fortress from the shadows.

. . .

“Hey, can I sleep over here tonight? My house is on fire,” said Daisy, an earth pony with a bright magenta coat, a bright lime green mane and tail, and a pair of daisies (appropriately enough) for her cutie mark. Her tone suggested she was at least slightly weary. Perhaps it had something to do with waking up in the middle of the night to find your house on fire? We cannot be sure.

“Again?” replied her friend Lily, still bleary-eyed from being awoken by the knock at the door. This pony was a pink earth pony with a lemon yellow mane and tail, and a three lily cutie mark (also appropriately enough). She also happened to be Daisy’s best friend.

I swear... this town... ...right? I mean... these very ponies used to freak out and faint at the sight of a bunny stampede. Have they truly become so desensitized to chaos and destruction while living here that now half of Ponyville catching fire was considered an average day? What is it like to sell insurance here, I wonder...?

Anyway. I wonder if bears half mutated into sharks will shock them out of their apathy? I have a feeling it might.

"!!!" said Lily, as something emerged from a shadowy alley behind Daisy, into the firelight. Well, okay, she didn't so much say it, but the look on her face as her eyes shrunk to pinpricks, her jaw dropped, and the color drained from her normally-quite-colorful face effectively said it for her. Besides, how would she even pronounce that?

Daisy, being practiced in that look herself, instantly recognized it, and felt her heart stop a beat. She slowly leaned close to Lily, making no sudden movements. "The... horror?" she whispered, inquiring if the look heralded a situation appropriate to their catchphrase of blind panic.

A barely perceptible nod was her reply.

Slowly, Daisy began to turn around to look. She felt her heart beating at an odd cadence as she did.

Bum... bum... her heart pounded as she started turning around.

Bum... bum... halfway there now.

Bumbumbumbumbumbumbumbum... her heart started hammering.

BumbumBUM! And there it was!

"[CENSORED]!!!" said Daisy. That... that wasn't your catchphrase, Daisy.

The thing before the ponies had the legs, body, and arms of a bear, but where the head and neck should have been, a large shark sat. The head and jaws protruded further forward than a bear's jaws would have, and the "body" and tail pointed straight back behind it, like a windswept hairstyle. The shark part was connected to the bear part where the necks of both animals would have been.

The coarse brown fur appeared to stand up on end all over its body, making it look even larger and more threatening. The claws at the end of its mighty limbs gleamed in the firelight. The shark tail whipped back and forth behind it constantly, as if swimming through the air. Its hideous gray fish head was rippled with flaring gills on the side, and positively FULL of teeth on the front. Rows and rows of razor-sharp, crooked teeth, just filling that gaping mouth, like a horrible open-mouthed smile.

But the worst part was the eyes.

Lifeless eyes.

Black eyes.

Like a doll's eyes.

. . .

“Twilight?” Spike yawned as he stumbled across the floor of the library, carrying a mountain of checklist-making materials that kept increasing in size as Twilight piled more on top of it. “What are we doing?”

“The town is in chaos, Spike! We have to figure out what's going on, how it happened, and how to fix it! We're going up to the hill to get a better view!"

"Well, yeah Twilight. I know all that. But... shouldn't we let the Princesses know what's going on, first?”

Twilight gave an exasperated sigh. “How can we tell the Princesses what’s going on, when we don’t even know what’s going on, Spike?”

“I could just try writing ‘Help! Help! Help! Help!’ over and over. That usually works.”

Twilight glared at him.

“...Or we could go up to the hill. Yeah, now that I think about it, I like that plan better," Spike said appeasingly.

“Ugh. I just know everypony is going to find a way to blame this on me again...” Twilight muttered to herself as she grabbed another inkwell with her telekinesis.

. . .

“That... that is not normal, Berry,” said Cidery the Talking Cider.

“...Whaaat...?” replied Berry.

“The... things growing out of your hooves. Not normal.”

“Iz fiiiine. Ita prollly goway evenchulally,” Berry slurred, not concerned with the mutations in her present, “happy” state.

“I don’t like this. I wish we could’ve found some regular old hard cider or something. This is... weird. And alarming. This is weird and alarming. And since I’m a figment of your imagination, you should really be as concerned about this as I am.”

“Nah,” Berry hiccuped.

Berry didn’t really know where she was, but she was pretty sure it was either somewhere in Ponyville, or some kind of house farm that grew houses. Cidery, being a mere figment of her imagination, likewise had no idea where they were.

Things were hazy, and came in and out of focus around them. Fleshy claw-like appendages were growing out of Berry’s hooves. Those things monkies had... fingies or whatever.

The two had been wandering for what Berry was pretty sure was either exactly one hour and six minutes, or possibly somewhere between 35 seconds and thirteen and a half hours. How precisely Cidery the Talking Cider was “wandering” is not a question Berry contemplated, so he merely did. Despite the lack of legs.

Out of the haze, a concerned face appeared. It was saying something. Berry squinted, leaning forward. It was definitely a pony, or pony-like face, and it was saying...

“-a r e y o u o kay? Do you need help? There’s a fire, can I help you get somewhere safe?”

Berry kept squinting. Familiar face.

“Ber r y ?” the face and voice went in and out of focus constantly. Oh, that’s who it was!

“Chleerilily?”

Cheerilee blinked. Close enough. “Yes, Berry. It’s me. Listen, you are wandering into a fire area. I’m not sure where the fire brigade is, b u t it’s n o t s a f e . . .”

Berry laughed. “Funny voice.”

Cheerilee sighed. “Come w i t h me, dear. Stay close. I’ll take you s o m e w h ere safe.”

“Caan Shidery... um. Um. Cun Shydery come tooo?”

Not missing a beat thanks to years of experience with children and their imaginary friends, Cheerliee replied, “O f c o u r s e Cidery can come too, now come a l o n g .”

“Thhhhhanks, palll! said Berry, clumsily holding out her mutated hoof for a hoofbump (handshake?).

Cheerilee looked down, noticing the hideous fleshy growths for the first time. A surprised look just flashed across her face for an instant before she recovered. “We’d b e t t e r find Twilight S p a r k le.”

. . .

“Come on, Bon-Bon, we’ve got to get out of here! Looks like the fires might be spreading!”

“But Lyra, where is Berry?”

“I don’t know, but we’ve gotta go! She’ll be fine! She’s like a cat, she always lands on her drunken feet somehow.”

“Where are we going to go? What are we going to do?”

“You are going to get somewhere safe. Maybe the hill outside of town, or Sweet Apple Acres or something.”

“Me? What are you going to do?”

Lyra, who had been rummaging through a dresser turned, revealing a red plastic firepony’s hat suspended in her telekinetic field. Bon-Bon remembered that she’d gotten that at last summer’s Ponyville Fireponies’ Field Days, alongside several schoolchildren (she had, as usual, been the only adult in the line). It said “Official Junior Firepony” on the sticker on front of it, which was tilted at a slight angle, as though the pony applying it had not taken a great deal of time making sure it was put on straight.

There was an insane gleam in Lyra’s eyes as she pulled the elastic strap over her chin, fixing the comically tiny firepony hat behind her horn. “I’m joining the fire brigade.”

. . .

“Problem One,” Twilight dictated, peering through her telescope, “Fires.”

“Duh?” Spike muttered, but he wrote it down anyway.

“Possible solution: Ponyville Fire Brigade,”

“But...”

“Problem Two: Ponyville Fire Brigade,” Twilight continued, cutting off Spike’s reply. “Fire brigade ponies appear to be under the effects of an enchantment of some kind... it almost looks like... is that a want-it-need-it spell? And,” she peered closer, leaning forward with her telescope, “The effects appear to be centered around... Trixie?”

“Possible solution:” Twilight paused, thinking, “...We’ll get back to that one.”

“Princess Celestia could fix that. She did last time,” Spike rightfully pointed out.

“Yes, but wouldn’t it be nice if we didn’t have to wake the Princess up in the middle of the night to fix this problem?” Twilight said, giving the dragon a crazy-eyed response laden with frustration and anxiety, complete with a too-wide smile.

“Ahem. Problem three?” Spike inquired.

“Problem Three!” Twilight said, recovering a bit, “Problem three: seemingly random magical blasts shooting into the sky. May be connected to the fires.

“Solution: identify source of blasts, analyze data, react accordingly.”

“That... doesn’t sound very... specific, Twi’.”

“Problem Four! Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy appear to believe they are ninjas. Hmm... oh. Looks like Pinkie Pie too.”

“Whoa, really?! Awesome!”

Twilight shot him a look. He continued to write.

“Problem Five: large impact at Sweet Apple Acres. Will have to get closer to identify the situation.”

“Is that it?”

“That’s all I see so f-”

“THE HORROR! THE HORROR!” screamed Daisy and Lily as they ran screaming down the street. Twilight could hear them even way up on the hill. Twilight fixed her telescope on them quickly, looking for what they were freaking out about now. When she spotted it, she sighed.

“Problem Six: Bear-sharks.”

. . .

The Midnight Special Manehatten-Canterlot (by way of Ponyville) clicked happily down the tracks. The engineer, Iron Horse, smiled. They were making excellent time. An hour stop in Ponyville for rest and refuelling, and they’d be in Canterlot a full half-hour early. This was one of those nights where everything was going right.

His boilerpony, a hilariously, if unfortunately, named unicorn, threw another load of coal into the fire.

“Perfect run, eh, Shovel Face?” said Iron Horse.

Shovel Face nodded, leaning on his shovel. “Couldn’t ask for better, Iron. We’ll be home early tonight!”

As they rounded the last hill before Ponyville, their mood suddenly changed.

“What the...” said Shovel Face, as the chaos now familiar to you, dear readers, unfolded before his eyes.

“Should we pass through? Should we stop?” asked Iron Horse, even though that was ultimately his decision.

“We have passengers, we can’t stop here.”

“But we’re almost out of coal. We’ll never make Canterlot on what we’ve got left. We either stop here, or we stop in the middle of nowhere.”

Shovel Face knew Iron Horse was right. They would have to stop. It didn’t make the decision any easier.

. . .

“Possible solution number 57... uh.... um... the reverse gravity spell!” Twilight was desperate now.

“I... don’t see that turning out in any way that will end well, Twilight,” Spike said flatly.

“Possible solution... um... apple into orange?”

Spike gave her a level stare. “We have to get in touch with the Princess, Twilight. I don’t doubt you can solve this yourself, but remember what you taught Applejack: sometimes you shouldn’t be afraid to ask for help!”

Twilight sighed. “I know. I know. You’re right, Spike. I just hope she doesn't wind up blaming me for this. ...Take a letter.”

“Dear Princess Celestia...”

Author's Note

[1]It shall be as you command! For the honor of the Shogun!

Google Translate! I have no idea how close they are to being correct! Yay!

In Which Multiple Failsafes Prove Insufficient

Celestia dreamed.

She liked this one.

For one, there was no sign of Luna. She loved her sister dearly, but the thought of her sister peeking in on her most secret thoughts and fantasies embarrassed her to no end. It wasn't as if Luna was invasive, of course. If there was one thing that pony practiced, it was consideration for the wishes of dreamers in her care. Luna was no eavesdropper or spy. Still, Celestia always slept more at ease when she couldn't feel her sister's presence politely waiting "outside the doors to her mind," so to speak.

It was in Celestia's nature, you see. She was a public pony. In fact, she was the most public pony. All the eyes of ponydom were constantly fixed upon her every action. The most innocent fleeting glance in the wrong direction, a comment spoken without thinking, or greeting one pony before another one might have rippling ramifications throughout the empire. As a result, every single thing she did was meticulously planned. Every word carefully chosen. Every gesture given in just such a way. She was a terribly guarded pony, Celestia. And that did not bother her. She had come to terms with it long ago. She had had thousands of years of practice, and so had become very very good at it. So it was simply in her nature to hide true emotions and secret thoughts, and the idea of anypony, even one she trusted implicitly, being able to see that was unsettling.

And what Celestia liked about this dream was that she didn't have to be that pony. In her best dreams, she was just another mare. A simple unicorn teacher, perhaps, showing Twilight Sparkle, or sometimes her long gone students of past generations, like Starswirl, the basics of magic. Laughing as she watched the scrunched-up look of concentration on Twilight's face as she focused on a spell, or the serious, peering concentration of Starswirl, still fresh in her mind and her mind alone millenia later.

Sometimes she was at one of Pinkie Pie's parties, and no one bowed to her and no one was nervous, and all of her old friends were there, filling the cheerfully decorated barn at Sweet Apple Acres, which stretched to impossible dimensions in all directions to accomodate them all. And there was laughing and dancing and cake, and she was just part of the crowd.

Sometimes she simply went shopping, haggling with shopkeepers who weren't afraid to make her work for a good price.

Sometimes, she smiled up at the sun and ran and played and laughed in its warm light, revelling in the gift that, in her dream only, was not her sacred responsibility.

Sometimes there were stallions. With roses and chocolates and all of the wonderful romantic things she knew she could and would never have.

Tonight was a special dream, though. Tonight she dreamed that she was Celestia, Princess of Equestria and Goddess of the Sun, and everypony loved her anyway. Not feared her, or respected her, or worshipped her, or studied her, or took her for granted, or even lusted after her, but truly loved her for who she was; for the pony she was, not the goddess she was, not the royal title. In the waking world, very few ponies she had ever known had ever been able to show her that unconditional kindness. It was a large part of what made Twilight Sparkle so special in her eyes.

It was a nice dream.

She didn't like being awoken from nice dreams.

A gout of green flame flared in mid-air, illuminating Celestia's darkened sleeping chambers briefly in its light, and waking the regent from her sweet reverie.

Materializing from the flame, a rolled letter popped into existence. Celestia stared at it blearily for a second or so. Then it fell on her face.

“Buh!” she said. Hey, it was the middle of the night. What, were you expecting poetry?

Celestia batted at the scroll sleepily, knocking it off her muzzle clumsily with her hoof in a vain attempt to grasp it. Shaking her head to clear it a bit, trying to regain some of her royal composure, she tried again, this time picking the scroll up from the floor and opening it with her magic.

She yawned as she read. Then she stopped herself mid-yawn. Then she put a hoof on her face and shook her head slowly. Then she sighed. Then she got up. It was quite a read, you see. Easily a four-gesture letter. No sleep tonight, she supposed. If Twilight needed her help, then she was going to help. The thought didn’t stop her from looking sadly and longingly back at her bed, before turning to leave her room.

. . .

Applejack was, for lack of a better word, shell-shocked. Big Mac was in no better condition. The zap apple field was decimated. To say they depended on their rare and special apple cultivar was putting it lightly. The desperately needed a good zap apple harvest, this year even more than most.

And giant crabs had dropped out of the sky and crushed most of their trees. I mean, I don’t even think there is a word for luck that bad.

“Duuude,” said one of the giant crabs, with a pale orange shell, admiring the crater they had made. “Radical.”

“Is anybody else having a hard time coming to terms with not only our sudden emergence into sentience, but also the radical alterations made to our bodies via unknown means?” said one with a faintly purple shell.

“Totally,” replied the orange one. Then, after a pause, “Wait… what?”

Rarity was not amused. In fact, she was positively enraged. “Excuse me. What do you think you’re doing?!” she said evenly, almost calmly, her eye twitching. Sweetie Belle recognized this as danger sign #1, and stepped back several steps. The other two Crusaders followed suit.

“Well, we kind of fell out of the sky? I guess you missed that part?” said the blue one.

“Look at what you have done,” said Rarity, staring up at the crabs, four hooves evenly on the ground, a scowl fixed on her face. “Look at what you’ve done to Sweet Apple Acres!”

The four did, rotating themselves in place with their legs and swiveling their eye-stalks this way and that. None of them saw anything that particularly stood out at them.

“Yeah? So what?” said the red one, rudely.

Rarity’s scowl turned into an almost-sweet smile. Sweetie Belle recognized danger sign #2, and decided to duck behind a plow. Concerned looks crossed the faces of Apple Bloom and Scootaloo, and they dove behind it too, pushing and shoving each other to find space.

“The trees, dear,” said Rarity, carefully, through gritted teeth.

“Uh… big deal?” said the red one.

At this, even in their dazed state, Applejack and Big Mac knew it was time to clear out. They grabbed Granny Smith and dove for cover. Sweetie Belle squeaked and covered her eyes, realizing that the crabs were going to make Rarity skip right over danger signs #3-9. She had never seen #10.

Rarity was no expert magician. She also did not have a particularly loud or booming voice. And at this very moment, neither of those things were true.

“Whoaaa!” said the orange crab, as a blinding explosion of white light blasted off the pony in all directions. Her horn glowed with a pale but intense purple hue, and her pupil-less eyes glowed white. Her purple mane and tail waved as if blown by an unfelt wind. And her voice boomed with magical amplification.

“LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE DONE!”

Crabs don’t have jaws, but if they did, they would have been agape. “Nice going,” muttered the purple one to the red one.

. . .

The Midnight Special Manehatten-Canterlot (by way of Ponyville) pulled up to the (miraculously not yet on fire) Ponyville platform. Iron Horse had already met with the conductor, a pony by the name of Flat Cap, and the two had gone back to reassure the passengers and instruct them to remain seated.

Shovel Face, meanwhile, worked as fast as he could to refill the coal hopper for the trip to Canterlot.

It was kind of creepy. Despite the hour, the area was well-lit with a number of fires, so he could clearly see the entire platform area had been totally abandoned. Despite the chaos around them, it was almost… quiet here.

It freaked him out.

More coal. Another shovelful. Faster. He levitated the shovel in his telekinesis.

All he could hear was his own breathing, and the scrape of the shovel, and the soft clunk of the coal chunks as they landed in the hopper. In the distance, he thought he could hear voices shouting, “Trixieeee… we neeeeed you!” like zombies. That did not put him any more at ease.

“Aieeeeeee!” the piercing scream from behind him made Shovel Face jump about six feet in the air. He turned quickly to see two mares running toward him. To his surprise, they threw themselves on him, crying.

“Help!” said one, a magenta and green earth pony, “You have to help us!”

“It’s right behind us!” said the other, a pink and yellow earth pony.

“W-what is? What’s right behind you?” Shovel Face tried to sound brave, but the way his voice squeaked betrayed him.

Out of the shadows emerged a nightmare. A hideous, half-bear, half-shark monstrosity from the darkest pits of his worst dreams, made flesh. The earth pony mares screamed again as the beast lumbered towards them.

"W-w-what is that?!" the boilerpony shrieked.

"I don't know! Help us!" cried the pink pony, looking into his eyes.

"Please! There's nopony else around! You're our only hope!" said the magenta pony, throwing her arms around his neck.

There was something in their faces that stirred something deep within Shovel Face. Something heroic. Something like... destiny. Suddenly, a thousand thoughts flashed through his mind.

"Well, I... I don't really know why we named you that, honey. It just seemed right somehow!" a memory of his mother.

The bear-shark took a thundering step closer. The fear and nervousness melted away from Shovel Face's... face, replaced by a look of determination.

"Hahaha! Nice name, SHOVEL FACE!" a memory of one of the many mocking schoolchildren.

Another booming step. Shovel Face pushed the mares behind him, and lowered his boilerpony cap just over his eyes.

My cutie mark is a shovel. Well, that figures. a memory of the day he had gotten his cutie mark, and had been disappointed by it.

The beast lumbered closer still, almost within lunging distance now. Shovel Face levitated his coal shovel close to him.

Birthday presents: all plastic shovels. He had wanted a train set. He sighed. Why did he have to be named Shovel Face? a memory of another disappointing birthday.

The hideous, toothy shark head thrashed and chomped in anticipation. Shovel Face felt his cutie mark tingling. He knew now. He knew why he had been named Shovel Face. He knew what his cutie mark truly meant. He knew what his destiny was, and he was meeting it, here and now, on the Ponyville train platform, backlit by fire, with two beautiful mares-in-distress looking on.

He raised his shovel. He smiled.

The bear-shark lunged, roaring the roar a bear would roar if its head were a fish.

Shovel Face hit the bear-shark as hard as he could with his shovel, right in its face.

The blow knocked teeth out, and sent the monster flying backwards. It collapsed, unconscious, in a heap.

Daisy, the magenta mare, gasped. "Who... are you?" she said in awe.

And he smiled the toothiest, proudest smile he had ever smiled. Pulling a foreleg around each of the mares, he spoke with a brash confidence his voice had never had before in his life, "My name... is Shovel Face!" he declared, lofting his shovel to the heavens.

Daisy and Lily swooned.

. . .

Twilight crashed through some debris, in hot pursuit.

Spike clung to her neck for dear life.

There were ponies in danger, and as important as it was to approach problem-solving in an organized manner, Twilight was not going to sit around on a hill while a bear-shark threatened to eat the townsponies!

Skidding around a corner, Twilight made a flying leap onto the train platform!

...Oh. Well, looks like this situation resolved itself. Huh. It's the thought that counts, Twilight.

Twilight sighed. "Okay, never mind that. Spike, can you go investigate Trixie's wagon? I need to know what she did to cause... that," she waved her hoof half-heartedly in the vague direction of the distant school flagpole, which Trixie clung to the top of desperately, surrounded on all sides by ponies and forest animals clawing desperately up at her. Occasionally, the distant blue speck had to knock away an amorous pegasus or flying creature with her telekinesis. "I just have the worst feeling it has something to do with my Cauldron Club, so if you can find a sample of her potion, that might help. I've got to get all the way back up the hill to meet the Princess when she arrives." She frowned at the thought of backtracking all that way. C'est la vie, Twi'. C'est la vie.

"On it, boss!" said Spike, saluting smartly, and he dashed off.

Twilight turned her back on the unconscious bear-shark, Daisy, Lily, and the train pony, and started her long trek back to her observation point, reviewing her notes mentally. It couldn't have been Cauldron Club. It just... it couldn't have been! Everything had gone so smoothly! And none of the effects she was seeing matched the potions the ponies had made! Of course... if Fluttershy had substituted crushed amethyst gem dust in place of crushed dried amethyst flower, that would account for the gills on the bears... but shark-heads? Wait... maybe if she'd also replaced the bael leaf with bay leaf... that could theoretically cause mutation if in conjunction with... oh, come on! It’s silly to think in hypotheticals! There was no way this could possibly all be related to Cauldron Club! Twilight emphasized the thought by stomping a forehoof for "no" and "way," each, nodding to herself.

"Twilight? Is that you? Oh, thank goodness we found you! Berry isn't feeling well. I think it has something to do with the potion she made at... something called Cauldron Club?" Twilight gritted her teeth. Cheerilee walked Berry (and, presumably, Cidery) over to her. Twilight immediately noted the monkey paws on Berry's hooves.

"Wha... really?! Oh come on! You drank that?! What is wrong with you?!" she said to Berry, biting her lip in frustration. Of course this was all to do with Cauldron Club. Of course.

Berry started to say, "Sorry, Twilight," but forgot what she was saying after the "s." So it came out more like, "Ssssssssss... uh... oh! Heh heh! Sorrrry Twliligh!" For the record, "Twliligh" is an incredibly difficult word to say, so... good on you there, I guess, Berry.

Twilight rolled her eyes.

“I found her like this, wandering around. Her hooves…”

“Yeah, that… I know what that is,” Twilight said, remembering the ill-advised Lyra/Bon-Bon/Berry potion that she had let them go ahead and make anyway. Why did I let them go ahead and make it anyway?!

"I'm sorry Twilight, but can you help her get somewhere safe? I'm going to try and help the fire brigade!" said Cheerilee.

"At the moment, then, you are the fire brigade."

Cheerilee's eyebrows raised at that news, but she was undeterred, "Then I've got my work cut out for me!" she replied, a look of determination on her stubborn earth pony features.

“Okay, Cheerilee. Just stay clear of Trixie. Don’t look at her if you can help it, she’s got some kind of spell on her, and the whole fire brigade is affected. Also, keep an eye out for Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie. They think they’re ninjas, and I don’t want them to hurt themselves or anyone else. And steer clear of Sweet Apple Acres, something is going on over there I haven’t identified yet. And whatever is causing these fires is emitting magic at random, and is wandering somewhere around town.”

Cheerilee’s eyebrows raised, then raised, then raised again. Most of her forehead was eyeball at this point, probably. “O… kay, thank you Twilight.”

“Oh, and, watch out for the bear-sharks. A train pony took one of them down, but we don’t know how many there are.”

Cheerliee could not raise her eyebrows any further, it was physically impossible, so she narrowed one eye instead. “Bear… sharks?”

Twilight nodded. “Body of a bear, with a shark head and body on the neck? You’ll know them if you see them.”

Cheerilee processed that for a moment, then nodded. She had impressive courage and cool under pressure, for a schoolteacher. “Okay then. Got it. Trixie. Ninjas. Magic. Sweet Apple Acres. Bear-sharks. Thanks for the warning, Twilight.”

“Et’s a lowng day… livin’ in a… a sneaker… there’s a… tree? ...Way… runnnnnin’ tru da yawrd… an’ alla vammmmponies… walkin’ thru-a vallhee… move vests... down... dooda durbadoo…” sang Berry. She had a lovely voice. When she wasn’t smashed. Which was rarely.

Twilight gestured at Berry with her hoof, “I’ll take care of this situation. I’ll bring her up to the hill outside of town with me. Princess Celestia is on her way, so between the two of us, we should be able to figure out what to do from there.”

Cheerilee was visibly relieved at that news. “Alright then, good luck! Oh,” Cheerilee stopped, “Twilight, is all this…?”

Twilight groaned. “Yes, it’s starting to look like this is somehow all my fault. Or will be. Or something.”

Cheerilee wasn’t mad at her. A pained look of sympathy crossed her face. Poor Twilight, all the bad things that happened to her seemed like they somehow started with her, but were never really her fault… and she worked so hard to fix things, too. Cheerilee smiled and put a friendly hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “It’ll be alright. I’m sure it isn’t your fault. Not really.”

Twilight smiled back. “Thanks, Cheerilee, I really needed to hear that.”

“AN’ IIIIIIII’M FREEEEEEEEEE… FREEE FAWWWWLLLLIN’!!!!” belted Berry, then she promptly free fell into a comatose state.

Twilight shook her head, picked Berry up with her telekinesis, and she and Cheerilee parted ways.

. . .

Bon-Bon’s earth pony endurance was put to the test as she raced to keep up with Lyra, who was seemingly, as always, fueled by pure manic energy.

“Where are we going, Lyra?” she called, her breath a bit ragged.

“I’m going to the water tower, of course! There’s fire-fighting to do! But I thought I told you to go somewhere safe!” The tiny plastic firepony hat bounced up and down on her head with each pounding hoofbeat.

“Oh, and leave you, of all ponies, to your own devices? No way that's happening! Somepony has to keep an eye on you!”

“Wait a minute…” Lyra went from full gallop to all-stop in an instant, peering down a side street. “Is that-”

Bon-Bon slammed into her at full speed. The two tumbled head-over-hooves and landed in a heap.

“WHY DID YOU STOP?” said Bon-Bon, in a carefully controlled, polite voice. No, just kidding. It was basically an exasperated screech.

“I think I just saw Carrot Top over there!”

“Wonderful. Shall we invite her for tea and cakes OR SHOULD WE MAYBE GET TO FIGHTING THESE FIRES?”

“She didn’t look right… I’m going to go check it out!” and she ran off.

Bon-Bon heaved a sigh. That mare was crazy. And besides that, did she never tire? Getting up wearily on her hooves, Bon-Bon took off after the inexhaustible, manic unicorn.

. . .

Pinkie-Kage slipped quietly into Sugarcube Corner, closing the door without a sound. Stealthily crawling across the floor, towards the counter, she froze when she noticed Mrs. Cake watching her from next to the front window, babies Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake balanced on her back. Mrs. Cake did not seem particularly surprised to find Pinkie Pie dressed as a ninja sneaking into her own home, because, really, it was Pinkie Pie. “Hello dear,” Mrs. Cake said sleepily. She’d been keeping an eye out the front window, making sure the fires on the other side of town weren’t spreading closer.

Pinkie-Kage immediately shrunk back, and struck a defensive martial arts posture.

“Daimyō no ējento! Yōjin, watashi wa Ninja Jūhakkei no chimei-tekina hōhō de kunren o ukete imasu. Watashi wa to honrō subeki ninja gozen arimasen!”[2]

Mrs. Cake was not fazed. “That’s nice dear. Would you like a snack?”

“Sore wa, watashi wa tatakau tame ni koko ni inai watashi no tame ni, anata wa watashi ga shokuji no ryō teikyō suru koto wa yoku aru. Watashi wa shōgun no gen'in ni anata no enjo o kashite anata o kongan shi, daimyō no waru gen'in o hōki surudarou. Wareware wa ue no... Kore o okonaunaraba Tabun... Kappukēki wa, son'nani yoi!”[3] Pinkie-Kage replied, her voice dark and serious.

“I’ll take that as a yes,” said the unflappable baker, going to the kitchen and returning with a tray of cupcakes skillfully balanced on her head.

Pinkie-Kage seized one, then turned her back to Mrs. Cake so the baker could not see her face when she lifted her mask to devour the treat. When she turned back to Mrs. Cake, the mask had been replaced, but had crumbs all over it.

“Watashitachiha issho ni pan ga kowarete iru koto o ima, watashi wa futatabi anata o tazuneru: Anata ga tochi no seitōna ryōshu, shōgun no chikara o anata no buki o hōki surudarou ka? Anata wa aku daimyō de anata no kizuna o tokasu nodeshou ka?”[4] Pinkie-Kage said, after swallowing.

“Of course dear, of course,” replied Mrs. Cake, waving her hoof indifferently. “Whatever you say.”

Pinkie-Kage rose on her hind hooves, placed her forehooves together, and bowed (an extraordinarily difficult gesture for a pony, but not for a ninja), and then leapt to the door, threw it open without a sound, and was gone back into the night.

Mrs. Cake yawned, and returned to blearily staring out the window.

. . .

Carrot Top’s head was splitting. Her vision was a white haze. Her skin felt like it was on fire. She ran, blindly, in no direction in particular, occasionally feeling a massive discharge of magical energy blast out of her new horn, which briefly provided her with the faintest relief.

Where was she? Who was she? Where was she going? When would the pain stop!? Was that a train? Oops!

. . .

Daisy and Lily had begged for Shovel Face to take them with him to Canterlot, and he'd quickly agreed to let them ride in the engine with him.

Iron Horse had given him a questioning glance as he brought the mares aboard, then shrugged. Flat Cap had simply nudged Shovel Face with an elbow, then given him a wink and a discrete hoofbump.

Shovel Face moved like he had never moved before. This new confidence inside him... it was the greatest feeling he had ever felt. He knew he could do anything! And so his every action prepping the train for departure was swift and decisive. That Daisy and Lily were looking on admiringly didn't hurt.

Before any time at all, and much to the relief of the uneasy passengers, there was a jolt, and the train slowly started to inch forward.

That was when Carrot Top burst out of a side street, her horn glowing with uncontrollable arcane power, and blasted the roof of the train, setting seven of the ten cars instantly aflame. And the fire started spreading forward and backward from there almost immediately.

"Oh Celestia!" Iron Horse swore. His first thought was to immediately apply the train's brake shoes. He pulled the lever back hard.

The five in the engine cab listened. They heard the screeching grind of the wheels against the brake pads, then frowned in unison as they heard a shriek of twisting metal, a thunk, and then felt the train pick up speed again. Aw, peas. Well, hey, that's okay, there were failsafes.

Flat Cap started running back to the passenger cars to evacuate the passengers as Shovel Face climbed around the outside of the coal hopper, found the countersteam brake wheel, and turned it. This worked somewhat like stopping the train by putting it in reverse, sort of. It basically changed the arrangement of the valve gear, the part that connected between the wheel rods and the piston, such that the piston now drove the wheel rod so that it turned the wheels counterclockwise instead of clockwise, effectively reversing the train. And wow, you did not need to know all that about steam locomotive operation. Just... it's a backup brake that sort of throws the train in reverse, then, how about that?

Anyway, Shovel Face was quick to realize that there was not nearly enough resistance as he turned the wheel. He did a very daring lean to look under the train, to see the coupling bar had fallen out. Okay... well, there were still a couple more failsafes.

The fire was spreading close now, he could feel the iron of the hopper start to heat up under his hooves. Pretty soon the situation would be out of hand.

Flat Cap saw Shovel Face leaning off the side of the train, frantically waving his hat. He ran through the smoke, coughing, and fumbled to the car brake line. He pulled it. He felt the shudder as ten cars' wheels stopped turning, working against the engine's wheels. Then, there was a hiss, followed by a fwoosh. The air line had melted, and leaked all of its air into the fire.

He waved a negative out the window at Shovel Face, then ran back, coughing, to get as many ponies off the train as he could.

Shovel Face gritted his teeth. Okay. Well, they could disconnect the cars. He leaned down, sweating in the scorching heat of the approaching flames. He could actually see the sweat steam off of his scalding hoof as he tried to pull the coupling pin, but it was just too hot.

Or... they could not disconnect the cars.

Shovel Face ran back up to the engine cab. "We're officially a runaway. Evacuate the train, you have to get off before we start moving too fast," he said to Daisy, Lily, and Iron Horse.

"What about you, Shovel?" asked Iron Horse.

Shovel Face levitated his shovel. "I'll be right behind you, there's something I gotta do first."

. . .

Lyra watched as unicorn(?!) Carrot Top's head glowed, and a white hot magic blast shot out and hit the train!

"Oh no, what have I done?!" cried Carrot Top.

Lyra briefly toyed with the idea of running after Carrot Top to help her, but the train fire proved too tantalizing.

Hero time, thought Lyra, galloping after the train.

"Lyra!" Bon-Bon said as she reached the scene, "Wait! Lyra!"

Lyra leapt off the platform at full gallop, reaching for the rear of the train.

Author's Note

[2]Agent of the Daimyo! Beware, for I am trained in the deadly ways of the Ninja Jūhakkei. I am no ninja to be trifled with!

[3]It is well that you offer me repast, for I am not here to fight. I would entreat you to lend your aid to the cause of the Shogun, and abandon the evil cause of the Daimyo. If we would do this over... perhaps... cupcakes, then so much the better!

[4]Now that we have broken bread together, I ask you again: will you surrender your armory to the forces of the rightful lord of the land, the Shogun? Will you dissolve your ties with the evil Daimyo?

Google Translate once again! I still have no idea how close they are to being correct! Yay!

WOW was this chapter ever fun to write!

This chapter wound up having more train than I expected. I'm okay with this.

Flagpole Sitter

"I just know somepony is going to find a way to blame me for this," said somepony who wasn't Twilight Sparkle.

Derpy flew frantically in random directions, zig-zagging her way across the skies over town, looking for rain clouds. Unfortunately, the weather over the Ponyville area was spotless.

Poor Derpy didn't usually let herself play the victim, but she had something of a point here. It would not be strange at all for the ponies of Ponyville to look in her direction first when asking themselves "Who knocked down this building?" or, "Who started this fire?" Derpy had crashed into enough things to justify this reputation, but she thought she was getting better. Anyway, this time it really wasn't her fault!

Well... okay... maybe it was. If only I'd been able to stop her in time! Derpy thought miserably. Poor CT... this is all my fault. I could have said something... I could have done something sooner.

"Derpy? Derpy, is that you?" called a voice from below, shaking Derpy out of her reverie. She looked down to see a small purple shape on the ground below.

"Cheerilee?" Derpy said, putting a name to the shape. She circled down and landed in front of the schoolteacher. Unfortunately, her angle and momentum were off, and she wound up stumbling right into Cheerilee.

"Oof," said the teacher as the gray pegasus rolled into her, knocking her on her hindquarters. Shaking her head, she said, "Are you alright, Derpy?" offering her a hoof up.

Derpy took the proffered hoof gratefully. Derpy liked Cheerilee. Most ponies did, actually. Cheerilee was the kind of pony who didn’t judge you, who would rather build you up than knock you down, who would, say, go out into the middle of the night during a fire to help a pony too drunk to realize she was in danger, without a second thought. For example. Hypothetically.

“I’m doing kind of… bad, Cheerilee,” Derpy said, sighing and giving a meaningful look around them (which took her half the time it would for any other pony).

“Yeah, I can see what you mean. Some night, huh? Whoa!” Cheerilee said, as Derpy suddenly threw her forelegs around her, sobbing. “What’s wrong, dear?”

“It-it’s all my fault!” the gray pegasus bawled into Cheerilee’s shoulder, her back shaking with each sob as Cheerilee confusedly gave her a hug back.

“What do you mean, ‘It’s all your fault?’ None of this is your fault! ...Did somepony say something to you again?” Cheerilee said, a protective, steel edge to her voice.

"N-no," Derpy sniffed. "But I could've stopped her. I could have kept all of this from happening."

"Stopped who?"

"CT. She made a potion to turn herself into a unicorn at Twilight's club thingy, and drank the whole bottle before I could stop her. She can't control it, and I don't know where she is and she keeps lighting things on fire and-"

And with that, suddenly the final piece fell into place. That was where the mysterious magic blasts Twilight had mentioned were coming from. That was what had started the fires.

“Derpy. This wasn’t your fault. You did everything you could to stop her. You’re a good friend. None of this is your fault,” Cheerilee said soothingly, silently reflecting that she was using the phrase “not your fault” an awful lot tonight. “But I need your help. The fire brigade is… well… something weird has happened to the fire brigade, and we need to help fight the fires!”

“I’ve been trying,” said Derpy, sniffling, but recovering. “But I can’t find any rain clouds anywhere.”

Cheerilee pointed her hoof to a distant thunderhead. “What about those?”

“Oh, no no no! Those are over the Everfree Forest! Those clouds are… well I don’t know… they don’t act normal. We can’t use Everfree clouds!”

“I don’t think we have a choice, Derpy,” said Cheerilee.

“Okay. I’ll do it. I can fix this, Cheerilee. I can make this right!” Derpy said, standing tall, flapping her wings excitedly.

“Just… be careful, alright?”

“I will! Bye! And thanks!” and Derpy launched herself into the air and sped off zig-zaggingly in the vague direction of the clouds.

Cheerilee had to laugh at Derpy’s sudden change in attitude. Nothing could keep that pony down for very long.

“Cheerilee…?” Cheerilee heard a voice say. She turned to see Bon-Bon sadly trudging in her direction.

“Bon-Bon? What’s the matter?”

“It-it’s all my fault!” said Bon-Bon sadly, readying to throw herself around Cheerilee.

Cheerilee put a hoof up, stopping Bon-Bon in her tracks. “Let me stop you right there,” she said, rolling her eyes, “Because if this becomes one more pony’s fault, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

Bon-Bon’s sadness was replaced with annoyance and confusion. “Heh?” she said.

“Never mind. Hey, listen, do you want to help me fight some fires?”

Bon-Bon put a hoof up in a perfect imitation of Cheerilee. “Let me stop you right there,” she said, rolling her eyes, “Because if one more pony tells me they are going to be a firepony tonight, I don’t know what I’m going to do.”

The two glared at each other for a second, then started laughing.

“You should have seen your face!” Cheerilee laughed.

“You should have seen yours!” Bon-Bon laughed back.

“It’s just so funny! The whole town is burning down, and ponies keep coming to me telling me that they’re the one responsible!” Cheerilee wheezed, laughing harder still.

“Hahaha, yeah, and Lyra just jumped onto a burning runaway train harboring delusions of being a fire fighter! She’ll probably be killed!” Bon-Bon’s face was purple as she laughed.

I think something may have broken in these ponies’ minds.

“HAHAHA! THAT IS SO HER! AND TWILIGHT THINKS THAT THINGS ARE GOING TO GET WORSE! HAHAHAHAHAHAA!” Uh... Cheerilee? Are you… are you okay?

“HAHAHAHA OH MY GOODNESS AND I BELIEVE IT! HAHAHAHAHAHA!” ...Bon-Bon? Do you two… um… need… tranquilizers or something?

“HAHAHAHAHA!” Don’t you guys need… you know... air?

“HAAAAHAHAHA!” Ohhhh. I see. This is hysterics. You’re in hysterics, huh?

Simultaneously, the two stopped laughing, and collapsed to the ground panting, no oxygen left.

Bon-Bon was the first to recover. “So,” she said, “Should we go get buckets, or…?”

“You know what? Better idea: we’re going to go find Carrot Top.”

Bon-Bon gave Cheerilee a confused look (she had not made it to the train platform in time to see CT’s pyrotechnics display, and so did not understand how the quiet earth pony could possibly be of any special amount of help in this situation). “I would make a ‘Let’s invite her for tea and cakes,’ comment, but I already played that card tonight. I take it you know what you’re doing?”

“Only one way to find out, come on!”

. . .

Zecora elbowed Mayor Mare in the ribs, shoving her out of the way. Her heart’s desire was so close, yet so far away, and all of these strumpets and trollops were not helping!

Zecora’s eyes were wide, her pupils small, and her tongue lolled out of her mouth like Winona the dog as she scrambled for purchase on the flagpole with her hooves.

“I want you to be my mare! Trixie, dear, come down from there!” she cried desperately, an insane lilt to her normally rhythmic voice.

“Trixie! I’m your biggest fan!” screamed Roseluck. “Go out with me!”

“Trixie, can I smell your mane?!” said Caramel. “Just a little?!”

In the skies above the din, Raindrops kicked another pegasus away from her prize. Diving towards Trixie, she said, “Love me foreverrrrr-!” and then she was batted away by a wave of Trixie’s telekinesis. Again.

She’d be back.

Again.

Trixie’s legs were tired from clutching the flagpole, which waved back and forth in a disconcerting manner, and also rang with every hoofbeat against it. It was making quite the racket.

"Trixie- Whoa!" she was interrupted by a particularly strong sway of the pole, "Trixie demands you all stop this at once! Leave Trixie alone!"

Trixie reflected that she had perhaps… miscalculated the effects of the potion. It had seemed like such a good idea at the time.

It really didn’t seem like a good idea anymore.

“What the-?” said Trixie, as an extra amorous pigeon landed directly on her muzzle, and began making its intentions clear by cooing suggestively and making very inappropriate gestures.

"Ugh! Begone! Horrid creature!" she said, swatting the bird away with her telekinesis, leaving a small cloud of feathers behind it as it was knocked into the sky.

She sighed heavily. She supposed she had had this coming. This figures. Either nopony loves me, or everypony loves me too much. ...How did I come to this? What has my life become?

So what if she’d sort of lied to Twilight about her motives for coming to Cauldron Club. So what if she had gone just to study Twilight’s infamous spell and learn its secrets. So what if she wanted to force ponies to love her? She didn’t deserve this! After all, it wasn’t her fault they didn’t give her a chance in the first place! Nopony would ever appreciate her on her own merits now, not after what she’d done. The Ursa incident… the Alicorn Amulet (that horrible, wonderful thing)... she’d made too many mistakes. If she wanted to make friends… if she wanted ponies to watch her show and appreciate her talents… they were going to need some kind of a push in the right direction, that much was for sure.

This was too much of a push, Trixie thought irritatedly as the flagpole wobbled dangerously once more. One thing is for sure: if I get out of this... if Twilight Sparkle can fix this... I am never coming back here. I need to go somewhere where nopony has ever heard of me. I need to start over.

“I love your cape, all spangled and starred! Come down here, Trixie; I won’t bite… hard!” called Zecora, as she shoved Lucky out of her way, and licked the flagpole menacingly (yes, you absolutely can lick menacingly).

Trixie sighed again, and swatted away another would-be pegasus suitor. Her lower lip stuck out in a pout as she resigned herself to a loooong night.

Her legs sure were getting tired.

. . .

“Here it is!” Spike said to himself as he came across Trixie’s wagon. “Trixie’s wagon! Now I just have to find a sample of her potion. Oughta be something somewhere around here.”

Spike was still quite young. Still a baby dragon, in fact, but he had learned some things over the years spent with Twilight.

He had learned perhaps his most important lessons on the occasion of his birthday, during which he had discovered greed. And during which it was discovered that draconic greed was a powerful force indeed, able to transform him against his will into something he did not wish to be: a towering beast of aggressive avarice.

Imagine the effect that could have on a child: knowing that if you wanted something too badly, you could transform into a monster and threaten your whole town and everypony you love.

Thankfully, Spike had dealt with it in excellent fashion, and very maturely for his age. Perhaps some help from the Element of Generosity had been a big factor, but he had learned to quell his greedy urges without overcompensating. He still accepted that it was okay to want things, but that he could not have everything he wanted.

And some help from Twilight Sparkle, adoptive sister and amateur psychologist extraordinaire (having read several books on the subject), had helped him to mentally get over the fact that he was, at least in part, a dangerous monster inside. He had learned that that didn’t have to define him, and that he was able to be in control of himself at all times. He had learned that the love of his friends would help him if he ever needed the extra support. He had learned, to put it simply, that he wasn’t a bad guy.

What he had not learned, however, and this was the regrettable part, was that dragons are quite different from ponies, and potions could have very different effects on him than they did on them.

And, as it happens, it seems that a want-it-need-it spell infusion does not trigger wanton desire for the one consuming it, as it did with Trixie, but rather, it triggers in him wanton desire for everything he sees.

Hopefully, though, Spike just won’t put any in his mouth. Then we’ll be fine.

“Eww, what is this stuff?! It’s all over this cauldron!” Spike said, referring to the sticky remnants of the spilled potion that Trixie had spilled when Zecora had startled her. He’d leaned into the cauldron, still tipped on its side, looking for any sign of Trixie’s potion. He’d found it, all right, though of course he didn’t know it. And, of course, he was covered in it.

Spike considered cleaning himself off with his tongue, which was a catastrophically bad idea.

Thankfully, a vision of Twilight danced across his mind to discourage him, “Ew, Spike! Gross! You don’t even know what that is!”

Unfortunately, Spike took a moment to consider the fact that real Twilight wasn’t around to say that. And the stuff was so sticky! He had to get it off him! Nopony was watching, what was the worst that could happen?

Oh, Spike, man, you do not even want to know. Don’t do it, Spike.

Spike opened his mouth.

Spike. No.

Spike stuck out his tongue.

Ho boy.

...And Spike wrapped his tongue around himself, spinning himself and licking his whole body in one motion, swallowing the potion remnants in a single gulp. Very efficient, if a little gross.

Spike’s eyes shot open, and he started to grow. It’s not your fault, Spike. This is out of your hands.

. . .

Lyra clung to the back of the burning train, gritting her teeth. Her hind hooves hung below her, dangling inches above the tracks.

Hauling herself up, and wiping her brow, she let out a “Whew!”

Then she noticed Bon-Bon hadn’t caught up in time, and she saw her speeding away behind the train into the darkness. Her heart stopped for a second. She was alone. Bon-Bon wasn’t going to be with her on this adventure.

She wasn’t half the pony she usually was without Bon-Bon. She’d wanted her to go someplace safe, but she’d secretly been relieved when the earth pony had instead tagged along. They were a great team.

Without Bon-Bon… could she still do this?

She let out a grunt of frustration. Why did I have be so… what’s the word…? Impetchu… Impetty… Why didn’t I think stuff through before I went and did it!?

She got up and regained her composure. Bon-Bon’s gonna kill me for this, she thought, smiling as she thought of Bon-Bon’s ever-frustrated face.

The door swung open, startling her and nearly knocking her off the train. The conductor rushed out, leading passengers.

“We have to evacuate the train, everypony! Quickly, before we build up too much speed!” He neglected to mention the fire two cars ahead that was spreading in both directions rapidly. Nopony really needed reminding of that.

Lyra saw the passengers look nervously over the rear railing, not at all convinced that the train was moving slow enough to make the jump safe. Lyra could relate.

“Go on! Go on! There isn’t much time!” the conductor said. The passengers’ trepidations were not assuaged by this persuasive argument.

“Hold on, I have an idea!” Lyra said, looking past the gathering passengers and into the rear car.

Levitating out a large cargo net, she spread it out behind the train with her telekinesis. “Hop on to this, and when everypony is on, I’ll lower it gently to the ground!”

Unicorns are not created equal. Some unicorns, such as Rarity, have excellent fine control of small objects, and are even able to handle multiple objects simultaneously with ease. Others, such as Twilight, possessed the strength to lift very heavy objects. Lyra, though she rarely boasted of it, was blessed with both of these traits (though she’d always been terrible with spells). Which was good, because this crazy plan would stretch both of those abilities to their limits.

I mean, let’s think about this. Lyra is volunteering to levitate weight on the order of a hundred ponies, while then settling them gently to the ground in a net behind a speeding train without turning them into scrambled eggs.. That is not at all an easy thing to do. It is, in fact, insanely difficult, in case that wasn’t clear.

“Can you… can you do that?” asked Flat Cap, himself an earth pony, and as such not familiar with the extent of unicorn telekinesis’ capabilities. Most of the unicorn passengers looked uneasy, realizing what an impossible task that sounded like.

“We could… help hold the net?” said a couple of pegasus ponies uncertainly who hadn’t yet fled the train. There weren’t many pegasi still on the train, though (mostly those with non-pegasus friends and family with them), and they wouldn’t be of much help holding about a hundred ponies up with their wings.

“Nah. Trust me. I got this,” Lyra said, grinning.

Silently, the ponies contemplated their options: jump off, face the fire, or trust the smiling, overconfident unicorn wearing a foal’s plastic firepony hat. And silently, they all came to the same conclusion: if they were doomed anyway, they might as well give the unicorn’s crazy plan a shot.

. . .

Shovel Face clung to the side of the engine. He could feel the metal heating up by the minute. One step, then another.
The train was picking up speed. If this took too long, he wouldn’t survive jumping off.

But he was a new pony tonight, and there was steel in his eyes. He took another step, gritting his teeth against the wind in determination. He was going to get this done.

Forehoof over forehoof, he pulled himself along the rail, moving closer to the front of the train, inch by straining inch.
The heat was almost unbearable. There was no question the fire would be hot enough to keep the boiler boiling, especially when the coal hopper was eventually going to catch fire. And that meant the burning train would keep running, all the way to Canterlot, and then some ways beyond.

Unless.

Close to the front of the boiler was the pressure release, and it was whistling like crazy. The pressure release was a simple valve that opened if the pressure inside the boiler got too high, releasing extra steam and pressure so that the boiler wouldn't explode.

But it was designed for normal operation, not for stopping a train. And not for a train on fire. It was just not letting enough steam out to matter much in the circumstances.

Maybe, just maybe, if Shovel Face could break the release off, then maybe the burning train could release enough steam to run itself out, and wouldn't reach Canterlot as a burning, ticking time bomb.

It was a big “if,” and it was a desperate, crazy thing to try. Doubly so for a unicorn like Shovel Face, who had always been cursed with very short-range telekinesis, meaning he would have to pull himself close enough along the outside of the boiler to whack at the valve, while the train was picking up speed and the fire was increasing intensity.

It’s always the ponies you least expect who step up in times of crisis. Heroes aren’t born, they are made, and it’s times like this that that forge burns brightest.

Shovel Face was nopony special. Boring. Unassuming. Friendly, but kind of reserved. Had a complex about his ridiculous name, but otherwise was just another face in the crowd.

But tonight, he had become a hero. He had faced his destiny, and he had risen to meet it. And now… well… Equestria needed a hero one more time. And he was not going to back down.

His name was still pretty ridiculous, though. Let’s be honest.

CLANG! Shovel Face whacked the pressure valve as hard as he could manage with his shovel. It dented slightly, but otherwise was unaffected.

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG! Again and again, he smashed his shovel against it.

The terrain was blurring by, now. The boiler was scalding hot. The iron was beginning to glow red from the heat, and the coal in the hopper was starting to smoke.

CLANG! CLANG CLANG CLANG! Shovel Face scowled. He was not going to give up. There were tears in his eyes from the wind and the smoke.

CLANG! The valve bent slightly! Steam was blowing out of it like a tea kettle whistling in his ears. Even through that noise, though, it was amazing how the tiny popping sounds were able to reach him. He recognized the sound well. He turned his head back to look. Tiny flames were flickering in the coal hopper now. The coal was about to catch. He was almost out of time.

CLANG! CLANG! CLANG CLANG CLANG CLANGCLANGCLANGCLANG SCREEEECH! With a wrench of twisting metal, the valve gave way! The steam poured out of the gaping hole, now too large an opening to make a whistle.

But the train was at almost top speed. And Shovel Face was out of time.

He looked behind him at the landscape whipping by. He released his beloved shovel from his telekinesis, losing sight of it almost instantly as it tumbled away and behind him into the darkness. I hope I don’t die, he thought, and leapt from the train.

Author's Note

This one gave me a little trouble. Some parts wrote themselves (lookin' at you, Trixie and Shovel Face!), but others were just... tough to push through. Guess my brain was... off the rails for this one. Heh.

See, it's funny, because trains.

Heh heh... heh.

Ahem.

Enjoy!

There Are Ninjas in This One

“Your success honors us all, Pinkie-Kage,” said Flutter-Riko. Pinkie-Kage's reply was a simple, humble bow.

"I could have done that twice as fast..." muttered Dashisamu under her breath. If master Flutter-Riko heard her, she did not acknowledge it.

"Let us not let this victory give us arrogance. The land is still full of enemies, and the Daimyo will not rest until he has seized every grain of rice from the hooves of the people. We must be more vigilant than ever."

"Master! Why don't we storm his castle? Why don't we take the fight to him! I say we end this now!"

Flutter-Riko glared back at Dashisamu, fury in her eyes. Dashisamu was silenced by the power of the master's stare. "Impetuous fool! You would have three ninja storm a fortress guarded by thousands? You would have us sever the head of the enemy force, only to leave another to take its place?! Not until we win the hearts and minds of the people is victory possible! You will respect my orders! You will learn patience! And you will learn that a killing blow must be timed! We are ninja! We strike decisively! Have you no shame, Dashisamu? Have you no common sense?!"

Completely overcome by the force of her master's harsh stare, and equally harsh reprimand, Dashisamu was cowed, "M-master, I... I'm sorry," Dashisamu said, prostrating herself in front of Flutter-Riko. "Forgive me. Know that I only wish to see this conflict come to an end. Forgive my overconfidence and my impropriety, I beg you."

Flutter-Riko's gaze softened. She placed a forehoof on Dashisamu's shoulder. "You are indeed a fool, Dashisamu. But I have never questioned your skill, nor your loyalty. Nor will I ever."

"You are kind, master," Dashisamu said, her eyes downcast, her voice tight with frustration and shame.

Pinkie-Kage laughed. She had been keeping watch while her companions had been talking, and had spotted two obvious spies of the Daimyo, clearly searching the streets for them. Amachua! Karera wa, yori meihakuna koto ga dekimasendeshita![5] thought Pinkie-Kage, smiling. "Daimyō no ējento ga chikadzuite iru! Itsumo no yō ni, karera wa kibi to finesu o kaite iru![6]" she said quietly to the others.

Flutter-Riko took a look for herself. It was true: there were two earth ponies obviously searching for something. They were looking in every alley and window, quickly making their way down the street. The Daimyo's Shinsengumi[7]. Interesting. Flutter-Riko smiled wolfishly. It would seem that Dashisamu would have a chance to let off some steam after all.

. . .

Cheerilee and Bon-Bon’s hooves pounded against the street as they ran through Ponyville, searching for Carrot Top. It was surprising how elusive a rampaging, screaming, magic fire-generating, glowing super-unicorn could be when you wanted to find one.

“I hope Lyra’s alright,” said Bon-Bon, anxiety profoundly evident in her voice.

“She’ll be fine, Bon-Bon. She gets herself into all kinds of weird situations, and she always comes out completely unscratched,” said Cheerilee reassuringly.

Bon-Bon peeked her head down an alley. No sign of Carrot Top there. “I know. Believe me, I know. She sure does stick her nose in all kinds of places. She’s like a foal.”

Cheerilee opened the door to Quills and Sofas. Nopony there. Bon-Bon continued, “I suppose that’s why everypony loves her so much.”

Cheerilee raised an eyebrow. “What do you mean?”

“Well, I mean,” said Bon-Bon, looking under a bridge,”You have to admit, she is a very popular pony.”

It was true, of course. A friendly, outgoing pony like Lyra, with a permanently sunny attitude, and completely unrestrained enthusiasm for everything? That was the type of pony you noticed. Moreso if that pony was always in the middle of some crazy scheme or other. Everypony knew Lyra, and everypony couldn’t help but like her.

“Sometimes,” Bon-Bon gave a little laugh, to make it sound like she was making a joke, “Sometimes I just feel like her accessory. Like Bon-Bon is just part of the Lyra package deal,” Bon-Bon laughed again, though it was a transparently fake laugh, completely failing to disguise her honesty as humor.

Cheerilee raised her eyebrows slightly. Oh. “Bon-Bon…”

“I’m not jealous, Cheerilee. I know better than anypony else does that she deserves it. She deserves all that attention and all that love. I worry about her so much, because I know, better than anypony else, how special she is. I just wish I could, you know, live up to that.”

“And you don’t think you already do? Bon-Bon, you're great! Maybe not everypony appreciates that, but the ones that matter do. You're the best at making candy. You're down-to-earth. You're humble. You're the most reliable pony I know of. You do those funny voices! It isn't about being popular, it's about who likes you. And as much as everypony likes Lyra, you are the pony that she likes best. Doesn't that mean something, Bon-Bon?"

"Yeah," said Bon-Bon, smiling thoughtfully, "I guess it does. Thanks, Cheerilee."

Cheerilee kept the thought that she had been a shoulder to cry on for a lot of ponies tonight to herself. She didn't really mind, anyway. It had been a pretty stressful night for everpony, after all, and helping ponies feel better was one of the things she'd always imagined her cutie mark of three smiling flowers was telling her.

Instead, Cheerilee said, "Besides, without you, Lyra wouldn't have anypony to keep her grounded! Believe me, we're all grateful for that!" Cheerilee laughed, and Bon-Bon laughed with her, for real this time. "I'm sure she'll be okay, Bon-Bon," Cheerilee said reassuringly, after a moment's pause.

"Yeah," said Bon-Bon, not sounding quite half-convinced.

Cheerilee wondered if she should have said that, if she should have put Bon-Bon's thoughts back to worrying. She hadn't meant to, she had just wanted to reassure her. Further introspection, however, was cut off by the appearance of the ninjas.

"Daimyō no ējento! Watashitachi wa anata ni kōfuku shimasen! Anata ga chikara de watashitachi o toru hitsuyō ga arimasu! Yūki ga arunara watashitachi o kōgeki![8]" said a ninja that was obviously Pinkie Pie.

"...What?" was the only reply Bon-Bon could think of to that.

. . .

Lyra's horn burned. Her head throbbed. Sweat stung her eyes, and the veins in her neck bulged. She grit her teeth, focusing completely on the net of ponies, levitating perilously over the train tracks, which were whipping by uncomfortably quickly below. So much weight! Lyra thought. She wanted to make a joke about how they all needed to go on diets to ease everypony's mind, but she didn't, both because she thought that might hurt some of the heavier ponies' feelings, and also (mostly) because she couldn't so much as grunt, let alone speak.

Her nostrils flared, sucking in as much oxygen as they could. She knew she'd have to do this soon. She couldn't bear the weight for another minute. But the precision required... this was going to be way, way tougher than something like, say, playing a lyre with a boulder would be.

She would have to push the net away from her at approximately the same rate as the train was moving, effectively keeping the ponies in the same position laterally. Simultaneously, she would have to drop the net at a much, much slower rate, settling them gently to the ground. Or as gently as she could, anyway. No matter how you looked at it, this was probably going to be a bumpy ride for them. She also couldn't lower them too slowly, or they would still be above the ground when they moved away from her and out of her telekinesis range, effectively dropping them all hard on the tracks.

Her body started to shake from overtensing all of her muscles. Do it, Lyra, she thought to herself. Hero time!

She started to lower the net as close as she could to the ground, first. Then, just as they were inches above the tracks, she gave a push, shoving them away and behind the train at her best guess for what the train speed was. Maintaining her grip as long as she could for as far as she could, she kept lowering and lowering, the weight pressing down, and Lyra pressing up, controlling the descent as best as she could.

Opening her mouth and letting out a strangled cry, she felt her magic let go. The net of ponies had settled gently on the ground, speeding away from her in the night. I did it! Lyra thought, collapsing, panting, on her belly.

Everything hurts, she thought. Can't do that again.

As if on cue, the train whipped past a pony mid-fall. He must have jumped off from further up on the train! Reacting without thinking in a blind instant, Lyra grabbed the plummeting pony in her golden telekinesis field, groaning from the strain of holding even a single pony aloft. His eyes widened with surprise, but he otherwise certainly looked grateful.

She opted for the least painful route of yanking the pony roughly over to the back of the train, and depositing him next to her haphazardly.

"Heh... heh...," Lyra laughed, her breath heaving, and her head swimming from exhaustion. The pony she'd rescued pulled himself unevenly to his feet from his jarring landing. "Sorry... about... that..." Lyra began, but then passed out.

Shovel Face, very relieved to not be dead, but also very mindful of the fire, now only a car ahead of them, turned to his rescuer, "Are you alright, miss? Miss?!"

. . .

The purple crab contemplated what it means to be. Thrust suddenly as he was into the harsh metaphorical light of self-awareness, there was much to process. He put a claw to his chin, pondering how it was that they had learned language, as Rarity projected concussive telekinesis blasts at his brothers.

I mean, how do I even know this thing is called a claw? he wondered. And how is it that I know that we're "crabs?" Those are words chosen by others to name us, yet it seems so natural to say and think for us, despite having never heard those words before in our lives. Rarity, meanwhile, levitated hundreds of squashed zap apples, rapid-firing them at the red crab, who held his claws over his face in a vain attempt to protect himself from the onslaught.

It seems strange to think that... well actually, it just seems strange to think. "...rude! You ruffians! You vandals!" Rarity was saying. Do we even understand the implications of the damage we've done here? Does it matter, ethically, if we didn't do it on purpose? Either way, these apple trees are ruined and the farmers will be much poorer for it. Also: how do I know what ethics, apples, trees, and farmers are, and how is it that I have even a basic grasp on the concept of monetary economics?

"Lady, you're crazy!" the blue crab yelled. Rarity dropped a boulder on him. "Ow! Hey!"

"I'll get her, dudes!" said the orange crab, moving to flank the unicorn, wielding a broken tree branch like a giant pair of nunchucks. Rarity didn't even turn to look, she simply levitated the hanging end of his branch around to hit him in the face, knocking him out. Totally bogus, man.

Applejack's mouth hung open slightly. This had been a day of flying alligators, meteoric craters, economic ruin, and yet somehow, she could still find it in her to be amazed by the sight of Rarity fighting giant crabs. Life was funny like that, sometimes.

Applejack did not need her friends to fight for her. In fact, more often than not, she preferred to fight her own battles. However, something told her that she should let Rarity have this one… perhaps it was the post maul Rarity was now waving around dangerously.

“Watch it with that thing, spork-head!” shouted the red crab angrilly.

“Are you comparing me to a kitchen utensil?!” Rarity shouted back.

It was probably about time to leave, actually. “Hey, uh, Rare? Ah think Ah’m gonna take Big Mac, the Crusaders, and Granny Smith an’ go an’ look for Twi’.” Applejack said awkwardly, stepping out from behind the fence she’d been using for cover.

Rarity didn’t turn, but her tone became inexplicably casual, “Alright, Applejack, dear. Do be careful,” then transitioned smoothly back into anger as she addressed the crabs again, “I’ll show you who’s a spork-head!”

“A-alright then, see ya, Ah guess. Come on, folks, Ah think we oughta find someplace else ta be.”

“Aww! It was just getting good! Hit ‘em with the plow! Hit ‘em with the plow!” Scootaloo called out as Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle dragged her away with them.

I should build a blimp. Blimps are cool, thought the purple crab, before being knocked unconscious by a flying plow.

Author's Note

[5]Amateurs! They could not be more obvious!

[6]Agents of the Daimyo approach! As usual, they lack subtlety and finesse!

Google Translate! I have no idea how close they are to being correct! Yay!

[7]Secret police

Okay, that one I actually knew.

[8]Agents of the Daimyo! We will not surrender to you! You will have to take us by force! Attack us if you dare!

And back to Google Translate!

Ninjas vs. Cheerilee and Bon-Bon? Lyra and Shovel Face, trapped on a burning train? We're back to the beginning of the story?! TUNE IN NEXT TIME FOR THIS AND ALSO MORE.

Sharky Bears

"So that's the rundown: the fires are being caused by what seems to be Carrot Top, an earth pony who took a unicorn mimicry potion that is way stronger than should be possible; the train to Canterlot is a runaway and in severe danger of overheating and exploding; Trixie has taken some kind of want-it-need-it spell infusion potion, and Zecora, the mayor, the fire brigade, and a number of animals have fallen under it; Spike is a giant dragon again; Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie seem to believe they're ninjas; and, of course, the bear-sharks. I have no idea what combination of potions and/or errors made during the making of the potions caused the various effects, but I do believe most of these incidents to be potion-related. I don't know yet what will work for antidotes," Twilight finished her flashback slash explanation to the Princesses and Discord.

"Thou've no idea which potions were used? And no idea what to use to counter the effects? That is... not particularly informative, Twilight Sparkle," Luna said.

Twilight shrugged.

"Well, Ah ain't just gonna sit around waitin' for this all to blow over, Twi'," Applejack said. "Ah know ya said y'all didn't need our help, but Ah reckon this'll all go much quicker if we all split up and each tackle a different parta this mess."

Twilight shrugged.

"Right. Well, Ah reckon me 'n' Big Mac can wrangle those sharky bears for y'all. That's a start at least."

Big Mac's eyebrows raised. This was the big red stallion's equivalent of screaming, "Wait a minute, what!? Are you insane?! Did you count those teeth?!! Sigh... fine." What he actually said was, "Eeyup."

Celestia turned to Applejack, "Very well. It's a good plan, my little pony, but you will need a way to restore them once you've caught them," here Celestia paused and put her hoof to her chin in a most exaggerated display of intense thought, "Now, who do we know who has experience with mutated animals...?" Celestia turned a not-so-subtle eye towards Discord.

Discord had of course missed the exchange, as he had been paying very little attention. He'd summoned a chair, some popcorn, and a pair of red and blue 3D glasses out of thin air, and had settled in to enjoy the show, munching obnoxiously loudly on the far-too-buttered-to-be-healthy popcorn.

Celestia rolled her eyes (though thousands of years of practice still left her technique lagging behind the CMC), "Discord!" she shouted.

An annoyed Discord turned towards her, putting his finger to his lips and making a shushing sound before turning back to watch the chaos once more.

Over the millenia, poets had used many words to describe the great Princess Celestia, Goddess of the Sun, and Benevolent Ruler of Equestria. Regal. Patient. Wise. Motherly. Comforting.

If they had seen the Celestia that stepped up behind Discord on this particular firelit evening, they probably would have thrown away their quills.

Her eye twitching, her hoof grinding a ditch in the ground, her wings flared, and her teeth gritted, a very, very tired Princess Celestia addressed Discord, the Lord of Chaos, in a sweet whisper, her voice perfectly even, "Discord. Have you ever had a sunburn? Because I swear to... well... me, that if you do not assist Applejack and Big Macintosh with the bears that have turned into sharks," Celestia did not seem to be aware that the volume of her sweet whisper was steadily increasing with each word, "Then I will personally redefine the word 'sunburn' for you! Did you know the sun burns at over 5,000 degrees Kelvin?! Ha ha! What an amusing and hopefully irrelevant fact!" Celestia was shouting by the time she finished. She did not stop smiling once. Her eye did not stop twitching.

Discord, however, did stop eating popcorn. He got up, and chair, popcorn, and 3D glasses vanished. "Oh, very well!" he said, sounding slightly put out. How melodramatic these ponies could be sometimes! "Bring them to me, Applesnack, and I'll fix them."

Applejack glared at him, plainly pleased neither with having to work with him, nor with his "clever" nickname. But she nodded. Time to get somethin' done.

"Thank you, Discord, and you as well, Applejack and Big Macintosh," Celestia said, her regal facade restored. "I wish you luck. Now, Luna, Twilight, what shall we do?"

"Sister, I think it would be best if you resolved the situation with the want-it, need-it potion, since you have done so in the past," Luna suggested. "I should return to Canterlot, to see what damage has been done by the train and, if necessary, assemble a disaster relief team for Ponyville. Twilight's unique knowledge of magic makes her the best equipped to deal with the earth pony that has become the unicorn, and her relationship with Spike also makes her the best choice to deal with him," That Luna's a smart cookie, I tell you what. On any other day, she might even notice the alligator suctioned to her head.

"Very well, Luna," Celestia said, her voice still just slightly hoarse, "Your plan is a good one!"

. . .

"Thank you, Discord, and you as well, Applejack and Big Macintosh," Celestia said, her regal facade restored. "I wish you luck. Now, Luna, Twilight, what shall we do?"

Applejack returned to the Cutie Mark Crusaders, who were sitting in the tall grass next to the sleeping forms of Granny Smith and Berry Punch, who seemed to be competing for the loudest snores.

"How can we help, sis?" Apple Bloom asked, hopping up to her little hooves ready for action.

"Cutie Mark Crusaders bear-shark wranglers, yay!" Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo said in unison.

"NO," AJ said, with definite finality.

"Aww," the three fillies said.

"Look, you three just stay here. Ah don't want y'all gettin' into any kinda trouble, alright? I don't want to hear about no... I dunno... 'Cutie Mark Crusaders firefighters, yay!' or any other crazy thing like that, alright?"

Applejack has obviously made a grave error here. It's frankly amazing that she has failed to see it, and more amazing still that she missed the insane gleam in the eyes of the fillies when the words "Cutie Mark Crusaders firefighters, yay!" were uttered.

"Alright, sis," said Apple Bloom sweetly, smiling innocently.

"Good. Alright, Big Mac, ya ready?" Applejack said.

"Eeyup."

"Ready, Discord?" Applejack said with a bit less enthusiasm.

"Sheeoot! Ah reckon ah aim! Lit's git alaong, doggies, we got us some hawgtie-in' ta do, y'all!" said Discord, now clad in giant white cowboy hat, chaps, spurs, and vest. He had an enormous lasso on his hip.

Applejack did not roll her eyes. That was her sister's area of expertise. She just glared. And at this, I assure you, she excelled.

. . .

"Grrt rrne!" Applejack shouted through clenched teeth, biting down hard on her lasso rope. The other end of the rope had found its way into the sharky mouth of what had once been a much more normal and much less bloodthirsty bear.

This particular bear-shark began running as soon as it was roped. AJ barely had time to think, Uh oh! before the rope went taut and she went flying.

Trailing like a kite behind the insane abomination of nature, Applejack struggled to get her hooves to find purchase on the cobbled street passing below her. First, her right hind hoof made contact, bouncing harmlessly and ineffectually off the rocky surface. Then, her left hind hoof made a go of it, with similar results. The her right hoof came down again, and she almost managed to keep it on the ground this time. Finally, she was able to get both of her hind hooves on the ground at the same time, and wrapping her way up the rope forehoof over forehoof, she dug her hind hooves into the ground as best she could and leaned back with all of her strength.

The result was awesome.

Particularly in slow-motion.

Which, because of the magic of words, we now get to experience in glorious detail.

The bear-shark’s legs kept going, but it’s sharky head did not. The growling, flopping shark gnashed and twitched as the bear legs kicked out from underneath it. It gnawed on the rope as the legs rose, up and now over the hideous fishy head. The shark head found itself looking upside-down at the street, as the bear-shark’s body continued to flip, and started to rotate mid-flip. As the legs came back down on the other side, the bear-shark twisted mid-air, turning the face towards the sky. The sharky eyes widened perceptibly in surprise at this point as the body began its second flip, bringing the face up, over, and down… SMASH. Yet more shark teeth went flying this night as the sharky bear slammed shark-face-first into the street. The shark tail and the left hind bear paw each twitched once, but then the creature was motionless.

Applejack grinned. It would take some kind of miracle to ruin this awesome moment.

“HOOOOOOOOEEEEEEE! That’s sum naaaaaaaaaice wranglin’ pardner! SHEEOOT!” yelled Discord from immediately behind her. She cringed, and shuddered involuntarily. Or Discord. That would do it too.

“Whut would happen if Ah force-fed you poison joke?” Applejack growled.

Discord, put a claw to his chin and pondered the question “seriously” for a moment, his ridiculously large white cowboy hat askew. “Hmm. I can certainly appreciate the sentiment. There would be a certain amount of chaos in that event, no doubt. Whut would happen if Ah force-fed you oranges?” he countered, mimicing Applejack’s voice with disturbing perfection on the last sentence.

Applejack elected to skip the dialogue this time and skipped straight to the growling.

The door to the Ponyville Bistro exploded, and a bear-shark lunged out, with Big MacIntosh clinging desperately to its back, attached to the monster via headlock. Big Mac's eyes were wide, his pupils tiny, and his mouth set in a frown. The shark-tail slapped him repeatedly in his face and the beast struggled this way and that to dislodge the stallion, but his grip held customarily strong.

“eeeEEEEENOOOOooooope,” Big Mac said, as the beast struggled to the right.

“eeeeEEEEENOOooooope,” he said, as they ran back to the left.

Heh. Doppler Effect.

"Hang on, Big Mac!" Applejack called out. "Ah got an idea!" and she ran off, grabbing her rope in her mouth.

"Can I just... can I just take a moment to appreciate this? I don't usually get so emotional, but it's just so... beautiful!" Discord wiped a tear from his eye as Big Mac glared back at him from his new mount. "Bear-sharks..." Discord continued, ignoring the taciturn pony's glower, "That's brilliant! I would have never thought of that! Oh, I'm having a wonderful evening!" The shark-tail gave Big Mac a good slap in the face, and Discord burst out laughing.

After about a solid minute of laughter, Applejack interrupted Discord's fun, as only Applejack can: around the corner of the bistro building charged a bear-shark, this one with a distinctive hammerhead. Clenched in its teeth was Applejack's trusty rope, which was wrapped at either end around Applejack's forehooves like reins. AJ's hind hooves were pressed into the bear-shark's bear back, allowing her to see over the shark. Steering her beast towards Mac's, she whipped her tail against its backside, and it picked up speed.

No longer of a mind to care if Discord mocked her speaking habits (because after all, she was riding a bear-shark; everything was awesome right then), AJ let out a heartfelt, raucous "YEEEEEEEEEEEE-HAAAAAAAAAAAA!" and grabbed her hat in her hoof, holding it to the sky.

Applejack's bear-shark slammed into Mac's with thunderous force, full on shark-face-to-shark-face, and launched both ponies several feet clear. The monsters slumped instantly to the ground, while the ponies tumbled and rolled some bruising distance before coming to rest. Somewhere between the impact and the tumbling, Applejack's hat came off and she lost her trademark hair-tie.

Getting slowly to her feet, spitting out a tooth, and placing her dislodged hat firmly back on her head of now-loose hair, Applejack looked at her handiwork. She felt every bruise, and her mouth tasted like iron, but the bear-sharks looked a fair bit worse. Grinning widely, and revealing the hole where her tooth had once been, Applejack's only comment was, "Buck yeah."

Discord's mouth was agape.

. . .

It took a simple three snaps of Discord’s fingers to restore the three bear-sharks to mere bears. Applejack recognized the formerly hammerheaded bear as Poncy, Fluttershy’s friend.

One of the other two bears bared his now-mostly-missing teeth and pointed, frowning. Applejack responded by baring her own teeth and pointing, smiling.

Twilight could probably fix all the teeth later. Celestia knows Applejack was not going to ask Discord to do it.

Big Mac stumbled over to them. He had a black eye, and was just as covered with bruises and scrapes as Applejack was.

“You hit me with a bear,” he said to Applejack, frowning.

“Oh, hush up, ya big crybaby,” Applejack said, rolling her eyes.

Big Mac blinked. “You hit me with a bear.” he said again, simply.

“My, but you are uncharacteristically talkative tonight,” Discord observed.

Shaking his head, Big Mac decided to ignore Applejack and Discord and get down to brass tacks. “How many more?” he asked the bears.

Poncy held up two claws weakly.

“Twilight said there was one already knocked out and trussed up at the train station,” Applejack reminded Big Mac.

Poncy amended his count, holding up one claw, holding his head with his other paw. These bears had had a rough night.

. . .

Three down (well, four, technically), one to go! The brother and sister team charged through Ponyville, searching for their final target. Well, Applejack charged. Big Mac kind of limped along. And Discord just kind of lounged on a balloon shaped like a potato, tied by string to Big Mac’s tail (which, knowing Discord, was no doubt a real giant potato inexplicably given flight… that tasted like an orange).

Ah, but this final creature was elusive! Where could he be hiding?

“WHERE IN THA HAY ARE YOU HIDIN’?!” roared Applejack, fire in her eyes as she scanned the streets for signs of her prey.

Discord snapped his fingers. Applejack turned into a goat.

“WHY-Y-Y-Y-Y DIDJA DO THA-A-A-A-AT?!” meh-eh-eh’d Applejack the orange goat.

Discord shrugged, “Was bored.”

Big Mac was torn between a desire to absolutely let loose with a full-bodied laugh for ten solid minutes, and a desire to buck Discord in his face until he put his sister back to normal. On the one hoof… she hit him with a bear. On the other hoof… he was Discord. Ultimately, he decided to raise an eyebrow.

And remember this.

Oh yes. He would remember this.

“FI-I-I-I-IX IT! NA-A-O-O-O-W!” Applejack said, stomping her goaty hoof, her tiny adorable chin-beard swaying indignantly.

Discord sighed. “The precious moments never last,” he said wistfully, snapping his fingers and re-pony-fying the farmpony. Then a flying bear-shark smacked into him.

. . .

Wait, what?

Author's Note

I cannot lie...
Heh, get it? ...'Cause... Applejack...
...
Ahem.

I cannot lie, this chapter was one of the most fun to write of the bunch. I loved every minute of it! I hope y'all enjoy readin' it!

Oh, and, for a refresher of what happens between the last chapter and this one, check out the second part of the first chapter (I considered pasting it at the beginning of this one, but then I was like, "Naaah.")

We're in the home stretch now, folks. Problems are actually starting to get solved!

The Friendship Letter Can Probably Wait, Trixie

Trixie’s hooves were slipping, and her imagination was beginning to contemplate the horrible consequences of her falling into the pile of ponies and animals below her. This did little to ease her mind, but much to strengthen her grip.

"Well, this is just great," Trixie huffed aloud to herself, her voice a little hoarse from yelling for help all night.

"This is all your fault, Twilight Sparkle," she said, falling back on habitual blameshifting. "This would have never happened if Trixie had never come here in the first place! 'Oo! Trixie! You can do anything!' the ponies would have said anywhere else, 'You are so talented and dazzling!' but no! Trixie had to come to Ponyville! I hate this place!”

Of course, Twilight Sparkle had had nothing to do with the Ursa incident, save for solving it and making me look incompetent by comparison, a small part of Trixie's mind thought traitorously. And of course, it wasn’t, strictly speaking, Twilight’s fault that after that I was laughed out of town after town, and was forced to take that gruelling job on that rock farm. And sure, perhaps I reacted a little bit badly when I used my savings to buy a highly illegal, highly powerful dark artifact for the sole purpose of revenge on someone who technically hadn’t wronged me, and maybe the actions I took while possessed by said artifact had been… shall we say… informed by it, rather than strictly caused by it, and maybe Twilight still forgave me… and okay maybe I took advantage of that to make the potion that directly caused this, but... still... this is all Twilight Sparkle's fault... somehow.

"Wow," Trixie said aloud to herself, "I suck."

"Suck, you do not! I love you, a lot!" said Zecora.

"Oh, quiet, you!" Trixie said back, annoyed. Then, after a moment of thought, and then another second to swat away a romantic flamingo, she said, her voice serious, "Zecora?"

"You have my ear, my dear!" said the zebra, grinning smugly at the other ponies around her.

"I know you're under this crazy spell right now, and I'm not sure if the real you can hear what I'm saying, or if we ever get this fixed, if you'll remember what I'm saying, but there's something I have to tell you," Trixie said, sounding a little sad.

“If you want to declare your love, there is no need, my dove!” Zecora called back, grinning obliviously.

Trixie ignored her, and pressed on, “I need to tell you that you were right all along. I haven’t changed at all. I don’t know that I ever will.”

“You are perfect as you are! A white-blue flower, clad in stars!” Zecora said, still seemingly completely missing the message.

“I can only promise you that, if I get out of this, you won’t have to worry about me anymore. I promise you that I’m going to leave Ponyville, and go as far away as I can, and never come back.”

Zecora’s eyes went wide, and her pupils shrunk to pinpricks, “Trixie, you cannot leave me! You and I were meant to be!”

Trixie found herself laughing out loud, a little bitterly. “The real Zecora would have been glad to see me go!” then, her face turned contemplative again. “I’m sorry to have done this to you, Zecora. I’m sorry to all of you.”

“HAVE MY BABIES!” screamed Mayor Mare, apropos of nothing.

Trixie blinked. “Biology doesn’t work like that, mayor,” she said, then continued. “I thought I needed this potion, because nopony would give my show a chance anymore. I thought I needed to force ponies to like me enough to at least give me a fair chance. I was wrong. What I need is a fresh start. A clean slate. If I’m going to change who I am, then I can’t do it here. And I’m sorry to all of you for making this awful mistake.”

“Then I won’t let you leave, precious one,” said Zecora, sinisterly, “I’ll keep you close forever, what fun!”

Trixie rolled her eyes, casually swatting away Raindrops again as she did so. “I hope you’re wrong about… bear-shark,” Trixie said, her eyes now fixed behind Zecora.

“Bear-shark? Is this a lark?” Zecora said, turning.

Muscling its way through the crowd of ponies was indeed a bear-shark, its black eyes fixed lovingly on the pony atop the flagpole, and its tongue hanging out of its mouth. This was alarming, not least of which because Trixie was reasonably sure that shark tongues could not do this, nor could shark eyes have any kind of look remotely resembling “lovingly.” Yet here it was.

“Ho boy,” said Trixie, frowning.

The ponies wrestled with the bear-shark fanatically, protecting their positions close to the flagpole, but were no match for the strength of the monster, who more or less just walked casually through the crowd.

Zecora set her four hooves firmly, turning to face the bear-shark, and snorting aggressively. “Back! Ill-tempered beast! Trixie is my love, not some predator feast!”

Trixie was not feeling very good about how this situation was playing out. This is, I think we can agree, understandable.

Zecora charged, meeting the bear-shark in epic battle. Which consisted mostly of the bear-shark casually brushing the zebra aside and walking past her to the flagpole. The zebra’s assaults on the beast were largely ignored.

“Fear not, my maiden fair, your knight Zecora will slay this foul demon bear!” brave words, Zecora, but she was having no success keeping the monster from grabbing ahold of the flagpole and starting to climb.

The flagpole bent dramatically under this new weight. “Whoa!” said Trixie, nearly losing her grip. “I really hate bears!” she cried in frustration, as the bear-shark climbed ever closer, and the flagpole bent ever more.

Despite being pelted with all manner of small rocks, hats, empty soda cans, and crumpled love letters from the angry mob below, the monster remained unswayed in its single-minded pursuit of the object of its affections. It had reached the halfway point of the flagpole now, and the top had bent all the way over, leaving Trixie clinging just a hoof’s-length out of the reach of the crowd below.

Closer and closer the bear-shark crawled. Now only a bear arm’s length away, and with Trixie’s forehooves clinging to the top of the flagpole and her hind hooves resting on the faces of some disturbingly willing ponies below, Trixie pondered her options.

She sighed. "I'm going to regret this," she said, and let go.

A lot of things happened at once.

Perhaps the most noticeable was the flagpole straightening immediately, and launching the bear-shark like a catapult. If one squinted in the direction the beast was launched, one might just be able to make out a shape like some kind of giant flying potato.

The second most noticeable was the frantic swarm, like ants over a crumb, of ponies that rushed at Trixie as she fell into the crowd, followed a moment later by a pale blue shield bubble appearing and expanding outward, buying Trixie a precious few seconds to run.

Which she did.

Oh, did she ever run.

The stampede of hoofbeats following her was thunderous. She didn’t look back.

. . .

“Where is everypony?” said Celestia, arriving at the flagpole to find the area deserted.

Author's Note

Itty-bitty, teeny-tiny, short, little chapter this time around, but it says everything it needs to.

Zecora and Trixie might be my favorite ponies to write of all (sorry, Shovel Face).

Also, I cannot get enough of confused Celestia, it would seem.

Somnambulism: Useful

Princess Luna flew swiftly back towards Canterlot, following the train tracks.

It was doubtful, even with her mighty wings, that she would be able to catch the train before it reached Canterlot, but at least she could get there as quickly as possible.

Her face was set in a determined frown. She sped silently through the night sky, the ground flashing by beneath her.

As quickly as she was moving, it was kind of surprising that she spotted the three ponies treading water in the pond below.

Making a quick decision, she circled back around. Flying low over the water, she scooped the three ponies up (all earth ponies, she saw now), and deposited them on the shore.

"Are you alright, my subjects?" said Luna, impatient to resume her flight.

The ponies were understandably surprised by the sudden appearance of, and rescue by, one of the diarchs of Equestria.

"T-thank you, your highness!" said Iron Horse, bowing.

"Yes, t-thank you!" said Daisy.

Lily just fainted.

"Yes, well, you seem to be well..." Luna said, her eyes looking back in the direction of Canterlot, spreading her wings.

"Wait! Princess Luna! Are you chasing the train?!" said Iron Horse.

Luna turned back to face him. "Yes. Did you three come from the train?"

"We jumped. I'm the engineer," he replied.

Luna bit the inside of her cheek, one corner of her mouth turned down into a half-frown. "That bodes ill."

"The situation is... not great," he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "But if you do happen to catch the train... my friend is still on board. He's the boilerpony."

Luna was confused. "Why did he not simply jump off with the rest of you?"

"I don't know. He said he had 'something to do,' and told us to jump without him. The train was out of control and picking up speed, I don't see any way he could get off safely."

The Princess nodded. "Very well, I shall look for him. What was his name?"

Iron Horse coughed. "Mubble may..."

Luna cocked her head slightly, "I'm sorry, what was that?"

"Huvvle hays," mumbled the engineer.

Luna furrowed her brow. "One more time?"

"His name is... uh... Shovel Face."

Luna blinked. A single eyebrow raised of its own accord. "Ah."

"Yeah. It's his real name."

Luna coughed. "Very well then, I shall do my utmost to find this... Shovel Face. He sounds like a very brave pony," she finished, diplomatically.

"Thank you, your highness," Iron Horse said, bowing once more.

The Princess nodded back to her subject. And with a sweep of her wings, Luna was off again. “Did… did she have an alligator on her head?” Iron Horse asked Daisy, when the Princess was out of earshot. Daisy nodded.

. . .

Luna hadn't travelled a great distance along the train tracks at all before another sight caught her eyes.

About a hundred-odd ragged-looking ponies were walking along the tracks, back towards Ponyville.

Alighting softly in front of them, the Princess greeted them, “Hail! Are you the passengers of the train? How came you to be walking?”

Flat Cap the conductor, his namesake lost somewhere along the way tonight, stepped forward. “Princess Luna! We had some help getting off the train, your majesty. A green unicorn levitated all of us in a net, and set us down easy as could be, even with how fast the train was going! Most amazing thing I’ve ever seen!”

Luna raised her eyebrows. What Flat Cap was describing was indeed impressive, more so than the earth pony conductor could know.

“That is quite incredible. I am glad you are all alright. Tell me, is there a pony with you, by the name of…” Luna paused, searching for the right tone, “Shovel Face?” she tried, still sounding more… punctilious than she had intended.

“No, he’s not with us, why do you ask?”

“I met up with your engineer further down the tracks.”

“Oh, you saw Iron? Is he okay? Did they get off the train alright?”

“He and the two mares are fine, but he informed me that Shovel Face had stayed behind on the train. Apparently he said he had ‘something to do?’”

“What… really? Shovel Face stayed behind? What has gotten into that pony lately?” Seeing Luna’s confused look, he continued, “Oh, he’s a good pony, don’t get me wrong, but I would have never guessed he’d volunteer to play hero. Just didn’t think he had it in him!”

“Well, hero or not, it seems he and this green unicorn you speak of are in danger. Unfortunately, I don’t see any way I can catch that train.”

“Maybe she can get them off the train the way she got us off?” said one of the passenger ponies.

“I doubt it. Poor mare looked about ready to pass out from what I saw last,” replied Flat Cap.

Luna nodded. She would have expected as much. The kind fine control required for that stunt, not to mention the weight of so many ponies would be a massive drain on a normal unicorns. She must be quite the pony to have pulled that off, Luna thought. Wait a minute…

Turning to Flat Cap, Luna said, “Thou… er… you say she had nearly passed out when you saw her last?”

Flat Cap nodded. “Yep, but what difference does that make?”

Luna smiled. “I think I have an idea.”

. . .

"Congratulations on saving the train, Lyra, you are a true hero!”

"Also, ponies are raving about your recent lyre recital! Your music is world famous!"

"Also, you've mastered painting, and the Canterlot museum wants to display your works!"

"Also, Celestia has personally selected you to lead an expedition of the foremost minds in Equestria to ruins believed to be of human origin!"

"Also, you are now a master gardener!"

"Also, you make the greatest salads!"

"Also, you won the Running of the Leaves!"

Lyra grinned. This was the greatest day of her life. Every crazy thing she had ever tried was paying off. Every fleeting obsession she had had, she had now mastered! Ha! And Bon-Bon had thought that she would never finish what she started!

Speaking of Bon-Bon...

"That's great, everypony, thanks! But where's Bon-Bon? She should be here for this!"

"Who?" said one of the assembled praise-throwing strangers.

Lyra raised her eyebrow. "You know? Bon-Bon? Candy cutie mark? Cream colored? Blue and pink curly mane? Earth pony?"

The ponies in front of her looked confused. "There's nopony here like that," one of them said. "We've never seen anypony like that."

Lyra laughed, "Oh, come on! Bon-Bon's always with me! She's got my back all the time!"

One of the ponies frowned. "No she doesn't. You're all alone up there."

"Come on, where is she?!" Lyra said, a little hotly.

"There is no Bon-Bon. Just you."

The words echoed through her head, and as she looked out over all of her accolades and accomplishments, she felt nothing but emptiness. All of it… it didn't matter without Bon-Bon. She was the one Lyra cared about, not these strangers, not herself. Lyra had accomplished everything she had ever dreamed of, and yet she was still nothing without her. And with all of her dreams fulfilled around her, Lyra started to cry.

"This is very moving. I must admit I am deeply touched. It is rare to see such pure and honest devotion," said a voice from behind Lyra.

Lyra jumped in surprise, and turned. "Princess Luna?" she said quizzically, wiping her eyes quickly.

"Yes, in the flesh. Well, so to speak, anyway. I must apologize for intruding on a private dream. I normally only enter dreams where the dreamer subconsciously allows my presence, such as when a pony seeks help or advice in their dreams. Or to comfort ponies in the throes of terrible nightmares. Nevertheless, I am afraid this is an emergency."

Lyra cocked her head to the side. "I'm dreaming?"

Luna waved her hoof, "Is it not obvious, now that you think about it?"

Lyra looked down at a medal that said "Equestria World Prize for Accomplishment in the Field of Mathematics." "Yes," Lyra nodded, "Yes it is."

"So, if I may cut right to the point? You are unconscious on a speeding, runaway train, that is also on fire. I would like to fix this problem for you."

"That would be great," Lyra agreed, now remembering her dire situation in uncomfortable detail.

“Unfortunately, I will not be able to catch up to the train in time.”

“...That sucks,” Lyra said, unsure how else to respond.

“Verily. But I do have a plan. Tell me, are you a sleepwalker?”

Lyra looked understandably confused. “Huh? No. I pretty much sleep like a rock. I usually wake up in a puddle of drool in the morning.”

“Ah. Unfortunate, that will make this slightly more difficult.”

“What will make what what now?”

“Well, if it’s alright with you… might I borrow your body for a few minutes?”

“Whoa! Whoa whoa whoa! Princess or no, I’m not that kind of-” Lyra waved her forehooves in front of her.

Luna shook her head quickly. “No! No, that isn’t what I… I am literally going to borrow your body,” Luna tried instead, an embarrassed flush tinting her cheeks. “I am going to use this dream to make you sleepwalk, and channel my power through you to try and rescue you.”

“Ohhhh. So I’ll be like… a dream zombie?”

“You… could put it that way, yes.”

Lyra pumped her hoof in the air. “Awesome!”

. . .

“We’re in a bit of a tough spot, miss,” Shovel Face said to the unconscious Lyra. He had been talking to her since she had passed out, hoping that, if she could hear him, it might keep her from getting worse, or maybe even wake her up. “The fire’s almost to the front of our car.” He hadn't had much good news to tell her, though.

She didn’t move, but he was reassured by the steady rise and fall of her side. At least she was breathing. He found himself looking at the ridiculous plastic hat with the "Official Junior Firepony" sticker on it, and in spite of the danger they were in and the seeming hopelessness of their situation, he found himself smiling goofily at that. This sure is some strange kind of pony, he thought.

Then she twitched. Shovel Face jumped back, alarmed by the sudden movement. "M-miss?!"

Lyra didn't reply, but instead climbed jerkily, clumsily, to her feet, swaying unsteadily. The effect was was very similar in appearance to a marionette on strings. Her eyes remained closed, and her breathing was still deep and steady.

"What the-?" Shovel Face said, alarmed by the unnatural movements.

. . .

"Ugh! These controls are terrible! How deep a sleeper are you?" Luna said. She and Lyra were standing in a white void. Luna had summoned out of nowhere a helmet that looked exactly like the top of Lyra's head from the eyes up, and had put it over her own. The unsettling fake Lyra eyes were wide and staring in no particular direction, and were positioned directly over Luna's own eyes.

Lyra shrugged. "Sorry. Just... promise not to damage me or anything, okay, your majesty? Um... please?"

Luna bit her lip in simultaneous frustration and concentration.

. . .

Flat Cap and the passengers gathered nervously around Luna, who had stood motionless with her eyes closed for several minutes, since declaring that she had had an idea.

"What's she doing?" whispered a passenger.

"She's starting to scare me," muttered another.

"Is this normal?" hissed a third, nervously.

"Should we... should we at least take the alligator off her head?" said another passenger, who moved to do so.

Flat Cap put up a hoof, stopping her. "We don't know why it's there, or what she's doing with it. It could be important. We'd best leave it."

The passenger nodded at this bit of sage wisdom.

And the ponies continued to watch, waiting for something to happen.

. . .

The green unicorn blundered face-first into a wall. Shovel Face cocked his head to the side in confusion.

. . .

"Ow!" said Lyra, annoyed. "Watch it, will you?!"

"This isn't easy, you know! It's like trying to steer an elephant with a fake mouse toy on a stick! Ugh!" Luna bit back, defensively, from behind the unsettlingly, eternally staring fake Lyra eyes.

"What do you mean, elephant?! Ow! My butt! Geez! What are you doing?!"

. . .

The odd unicorn stumbled its way towards the burning car ahead of them (bumping into everything in its path), stopping short very unsteadily when it reached the door, and the coupling between the two cars.

Shovel Face didn't know if whatever this thing was could hear him or not, but he said anyway, "Uh... it's no good. The couples have all fused shut from the heat by now, and not even unicorn magic can take 'em apart. We're pretty much stuck."

The unicorn's horn began to glow purple, and the car couple simultaneously lit up with the aura.

"I'm telling you, it's... no... good?"

. . .

"It's working!" Luna said, triumphantly.

Lyra felt warm. "What is? What are you doing?"

"I am going to disconnect the last car."

"What? Wait, that's it? Can't you use your fancy Princess powers to just stop the whole train? Or at least put out the fire, or apply the brakes?"

Luna snorted in annoyance, most of her attention focused on the inside of the Lyra helmet. "I could apply the brakes or put out the fires... if I had anything resembling control, but someone happens to be a deep sleeper. And I could stop the train... but that would require a lot of power."

"So?" Lyra's body felt hot now.

"Trying to funnel that much alicorn magic through a magically exhausted unicorn? Via sleepwalk? Why, I would incinerate you, my little pony."

Lyra's eyes widened. "Actually, your highness... I like your plan, now that I think about it," Lyra lucid dreamed herself a bucket of water, just in case. Not that it was real, but... peace of mind.

"We had suspected you might."

. . .

Luna's power was easily sufficient to wrench the coupling apart, leaving Shovel Face wide-eyed in shock, and leaving their train car to pull away slowly from the burning train. They were saved.

Shovel Face, despite the bizarreness of his fellow passenger, let out a whoop of joy! They were going to live! He had beaten the odds three times tonight! Life was awesome!

. . .

"Thank you, Princess," Lyra said, and Luna was pleased to see that Lyra said this with full eye contact and a smile, rather than a bow. This was indeed an odd and wonderful pony, this Lyra.

"Thou need not... I mean... there is no need. I'm relieved you're safe."

Lyra ran over to the Princess and gave her a big hug. Luna's eyes widened in surprise, but then she smiled and returned it. A very odd pony, indeed. Luna liked odd.

Pulling away from the hug, Luna said, "Well, I must go. There is much still to do tonight, I'm afraid. Take good care of Bon-Bon, Lyra. You two have something special, it seems to me."

"But," said Lyra smiling, "She's usually the one who takes care of me!"

. . .

Luna's eyes came open, and she found herself surrounded by curious ponies. She sighed. Every time I do this, this is how I wake up, she thought, putting a hoof to her face. This knocked Gummy the alligator loose, and he landed on Luna's muzzle, eye-to-eye with her.

Surrounded on all sides by curious, but adoring subjects, Luna let out a surprised and very un-Princess-like shriek.

. . .

Lyra woke up again. For real, this time.

Shovel Face noticed her eyes open. "Miss?" he said, cautiously.

"Name's Lyra," said the unicorn brightly, jumping up and offering him her hoof for a hoofbump. "What's yours?"

"Uh..." he said, reaching his own hoof out to return the gesture, only to be surprised when she wrapped her hoof around his and shook it up and down, rather than simply bump it. Strange pony, indeed. "Well miss... uh... well Lyra, my name is uh... ahem. Shovel Face."

Lyra nodded, not even acknowledging the strangeness of his name. Instead she said, grinning like a maniac, "I was Princess Luna's dream zombie! Isn't that awesome?!"

Author's Note

Luna, Lyra, and Shovel Face. What's not to like?

I toyed with "Lyra: I Choo-Choo Choose You," for the title of this chapter, but it didn't quite fit well enough. Ah well. Another time.

Cutie Mark Crusaders Fireponies Yay!

It really didn't take long for Granny Smith to nod off again, and just like that, the Cutie Mark Crusaders were free to begin their careers as fireponies.

"Whut do we do first?" asked Apple Bloom as the three ran, their short legs carrying them as fast as possible towards town.

"Duh! We put out fires and save ponies, obviously!" said Scootaloo excitedly.

"Uhhh... no, we should probably get some water or something first," Sweetie Belle countered.

Scootaloo blinked. That did make sense. "I... I knew that. I-it just goes without saying, that's all!"

"Wish ah had mah Junior Firepony hat from last summer's Field Days," Apple Bloom said to nopony in particular.

"Help! Somepony help me!" a voice shouted. The three skidded to a halt, trying to pinpoint the direction the cry had come from.

“That way!” said Sweetie Belle, pointing her hoof.

“That way” turned out to lead the three to a four-story house. And Carrot Top.

“I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE! PLEASE! SOMEPONY HELP ME!” shouted the earth pony-turned-unicorn, and she dashed into the building. Moments later, a ray of magic blasted out of the roof, igniting the building in flames.

“WHOA!” said the three in unison.

“C’MON! WE GOTTA HELP!” said Apple Bloom, and she ran into the building after Carrot Top without hesitation.

“Wait!” Sweetie Belle cried, but Apple Bloom paid no notice, dashing up the stairs, fire licking at the wood all around her. It was much hotter in there than the little filly had even imagined, and there was already a lot of smoke.

“I’ll save you, Miss Carrot Top!” Apple Bloom shouted. Reaching the top of stairs, she listened, trying to locate Carrot Top over the snap and crackle of flames. She pinpointed her in the room to the right at the end of the burning hallway at the sound of a sob. “Hold on!” Apple Bloom cried.

Carrot Top’s eyes widened when she saw the little yellow filly enter the room. “No!” she said. “Get away! I can’t control it!” Her panicked eyes widened even further when she felt another burst of energy building in her horn. “Oh no! No! NO! GET AWAY! PLEASE! I DON’T WANT TO HURT YOU!”

Apple Bloom stopped in her tracks, a confused look crossing her features as Carrot Top fell to the floor, throwing her hooves over her head. “Miss… Carrot Top?” she said, taking a cautious hoofstep forward as Carrot Top’s body started to glow.

“NO! NO! APPLE BLOOM, PLEASE! RUN!”

Apple Bloom froze. This was not what she imagined being a firepony would be like at all. The ponies they saved were supposed to be grateful and happy to see them! What was wrong with Miss Carrot Top? What was going on?

The magic energy began building in Carrot Top’s horn, pointed straight at the unsuspecting little filly. Through the haze of pain and confusion, Carrot Top felt her heart seize up in her chest. She had caused so much damage tonight, but, to the best of her knowledge, she hadn't actually hurt anypony. But now... she couldn't stop it!

Just as her horn energy was about to reach its peak…

“Apple Bloom! Get outta the way!” shouted Scootaloo as she and Sweetie Belle charged into the room, carrying a bucket full of water between them. With a heave, the two splashed water on the super-heating Carrot Top.

The water struck Carrot Top, and sizzled on contact. Then, with a massive, blinding flash and a crackling sound, the magic glow died out.

“Wh-what?” said Carrot Top.

“Yay! We did it! Cutie Mark Crusaders Fireponies yay!” said Sweetie Belle, raising her forehoof in the air.

“Cutie Mark Crusaders Fireponies yay!” repeated Scootaloo, meeting Sweetie Belle's hoof with her own.

Apple Bloom took a moment to recover from the adrenaline fallout from the little near-death-by-incineration prior to her friends’ timely arrival, but soon echoed the sentiment, “Cutie Mark Crusaders Fireponies yay!” and her own hoof touched the other two in celebration.

“I… I can’t believe that worked…” said Carrot Top disbelieveingly. “W… water?” she said, looking herself over, feeling the awful sensations throughout her body one by one come to a stop, feeling the horrible horn recede beck into her forehead. “T… that’s all it took? Water?!” Looking up at the fillies, she smiled in relieved bewilderment. "I don't know how to thank you, girls!"

Apple Bloom adopted her best impression of the swagger she imagined a professional firepony might have, "No need ta thank us, ma'am," she said, deepening her voice a bit. "All in a day's work."

That was when the roof collapsed into the hallway, cutting off their route downstairs with burning debris.

"Nuts," was Scootaloo's comment.

. . .

Derpy growled in frustration. These clouds were all TERRIBLE!

Everfree clouds were difficult to move, almost as if they were extra heavy, and what's more, they were completely unpredictable! Most of them didn't let out any rain at all when the pegasus bucked them, they just tended to shoot lightning out in completely abnormal, random directions instead. And Derpy wan't especially good with lightning clouds under the best conditions.

“C’mon, clouds! You gotta… work with me… here!” she said, punctuating her plea with a series of kicks to the latest uncooperative cloud.

A lightning bolt sizzled out of the cloud in a direction completely the opposite of what her weather training had specified it should be, striking the Ponyville Bank and almost immediately catching it on fire. No rain came out of the cloud.

Derpy put a forehoof to her face. “My bad,” she said, sheepishly.

Well, I guess it’s all right. I’m trying my best. It doesn’t matter what the other ponies will say to me, I’m trying.

...I just wish that I could get something right… just once.

Derpy sighed. She couldn’t let her thoughts go down that road. Negativity wasn’t what she needed right now. There was work to be done, and Derpy was not going to beat herself up when she could be helping.

Even if I only make things worse.

“No!” she said aloud. “No, I don’t! I’m helpful! And I am going to help, and I am going to be useful!” she said. And it worked: she felt a lot better with a little encouragement, even if that encouragement had come from herself.

Thoroughly psyched up, she looked around, trying to come up with a new plan. That was when she heard the cries for help.

“Somepony help us!” drawled the terrified filly voice.

“Apple Bloom? That sounded like Apple Bloom!” Derpy swiveled her ears this way and that, trying to locate where the cry had come from.

. . .

"Ah don't think anypony can hear me," Apple Bloom said, worriedly. She turned away from the room's only window to look at her friends and Carrot Top, her ears drooping. "Ah'm scared."

Carrot Top coughed. The smoke stung her eyes. She could occasionally hear creaking and groaning as parts of the building fell apart in the flames. "It'll be alright girls," she said, in what she hoped was a reassuring tone.

Why did I make that stupid potion? she thought, sadly.

She forced a smile. "It'll be alright," she said again. "I promise."

Sweetie Belle gave a little cough, wiping her own eyes, "R-really?" she said, not really believing Carrot Top, but willing to allow herself to pretend, because thinking about any other possibility was much too scary.

"Of course it'll be alright!" said Derpy.

Startled, the four of them turned to look out the window, where Derpy Hooves hovered. Her eyes were pointed in two random directions and she had a huge open-mouthed grin. She was the most beautiful sight any of them had ever seen.

"D!" said Carrot Top happily.

"Miss Hooves!" Apple Bloom shouted.

"Hi girls! Hi CT! Hey, you're all better!" Derpy replied, noticing Carrot Top was no longer a mutant unicorn. "Noticing that Carrot Top was no longer a mutant unicorn," was one of those observations that most ponies would just never have to worry about making in their lifetimes. Truly, Derpy lead a charmed life.

"Yes, but, maybe we can talk in a minute? Do you think you could fly us out of here, D?" Carrot Top said, the heat of the fire and the choking smoke very much making their presence known to her senses.

“Sure, I can do that! One at a time, though, please!”

Of course, right then the roof collapsed, blocking the window with burning, heavy wooden beams.

Because it had been that kind of night, really.

"Nuts," was Derpy's comment.

. . .

"So... uh... what d'ya think's goin' on here?" Applejack said to her brother, who stood next to her in the street.

Big Mac shrugged.

"Is that Pinkie that Bon-Bon's got in a headlock?"

"Eeyup."

"Buncha ponies dressed up in pajamas?"

"Eeyup."

"So... that'd be Fluttershy over there then? Throwin' cupcakes at Cheerilee?"

"Sugar bear."

"Whut was that?"

"Ah said 'eeyup.'"

"R... right. And of course that's R.D. passed out over there."

"Eeyup."

Applejack and Big Mac circumnavigated the melee, walking a good distance around the four struggling, frothing, screaming mares.

Big Mac resolved quietly to remember this image.

"Quit starin'. Don't you have any shame?" Applejack said flatly, glaring.

He smiled sheepishly in response.

The two came up to Rainbow Dash's upside-down form. The pegasus lay on her back, her feet propped up against a house (a house with a pegasus-sized dent in it). Rainbow's eyes were rolling comically in her head, and her ninja uniform was torn and dirty. Apparently, that was some kick Bon-Bon had.

"Think she's all right?" Applejack asked, concerned.

Big Mac leaned in close to look.

Rainbow Dash chose precisely that moment to regain consciousness, raising her head sharply, and bashing her head straight into Macintosh's.

"Ow!" she said, her head falling back from the impact and bumping on the cobblestone street. "OW!"

"Mmf!" Mac said in reply, rubbing his nose and trying vainly to keep his eyes from tearing up.

"What the hay is going on? How did I get here?" A pause. "And what am I wearing?! My wings are stuck in this thing!"

"Rainbow?" said Applejack.

"Well, I'm not freaking Celestia! Yeah, who do I look like?!" sniped the cyan pegasus.

"Well, I agree the resemblance is not a strong one, though we do share the multi-hued mane, I suppose," said a rich, regal voice from nearby, accompanied by four soft clicks as hooves alighted gently on the cobbles. Celestia knew how to make an entrance, her wings spread wide, nose up (just so) in the air, her white coat and her pastel mane and tail shining with a light all their own in the faint red night.

...Which was kind of a silly sight when put right next to the four mares wrestling in the dirty street.

"The Daimyo!" cried Flutter-Riko, dropping Cheerilee from her choke-hold, her eyes wide. “I will destroy you!”

“Your highness!" Cheerilee said in surprise, gently rubbing her throat. "...Pardon me a moment,” she said politely, and non-chalantly delivered Flutter-Riko a fierce headbutt, knocking the yellow ninja out cold. "My apple-low-geez, your harness," she blearily said as she attempted to effect a formal bow while swaying unsteadily, with modest success.

"No... apologies needed, of course, my subject. And you have my thanks, though I must say that this was not the most threatening assassination attempt I have seen in my time."

"I gas the Elephant of Kindness is maybe not so much scary very much," Cheerilee replied matter-of-factly, nodding in agreement.

"...Yes. Well... said," the corner of Celestia's mouth turned down slightly in a subtle display of concern.

"Daimyō! Anata no uragiri wa todomaru o shiranai nodesu ka? Anata wa nani no meiyo mo nai? Watashi ni chokumen shite iru![9]" shouted Pinkie-Kage, struggling against Bon-Bon's head lock.

Celestia turned to Pinkie-Kage. She smiled. "Watashi wa ninjade wa nai to omoimasu! Wareware wa tatakai ni hi dzume o yokogiru nodeareba, sore wa kono yoru ni narimasen! Kon'ya, daimyō no shōri![10]"

Pinkie-Kage's mouth hung open.

Moving right along, the Princess turned to the others, "Has anypony seen Trixie the unicorn? I was hoping to resolve her... situation, but I can't seem to find her anywhere!"

"No, your majesty," grunted Bon-Bon, still holding tight to Pinkie-Kage.

"Narp," slurred Cheerilee.

"Sorry yer highness," Applejack gave an apologetic one-hoof shrug.

Big Mac shook his head in a negative.

"Uhh... can somepony help me out of this thing?" Rainbow Dash interjected, struggling with the ninja outfit.

"Only if'n you can explain how you ended up jumpin' around in pajamas like a durn fool!"

"I don't know! I just woke up here! Last thing I remember I was having tea at Fluttershy's house!" A pause. "Waaaaaaait... oh yeah! The milk and honey!"

"The whut now?"

"We thought we were putting milk and honey into our tea, but it was actually my and Pinkie's potions!"

"That must've been what turned y'all crazy! Maybe when ya combined the two potions they did all kindsa weird magic stuff insteada what they were supposed to!"

"Weird! I didn't even put any milk or honey in my tea! Just lots of sugar!" said Pinkie Pie.

. . .

Discord flew through the air, laughing. It wasn't often something surprised him! He kept the bear-shark at arm's length... by holding out his arm (I mean, wasn't that what the phrase meant? Obviously. Of course, bear arms being what they were, his own arm had doubled in length.).

"I wonder where we'll land?"

The bear-shark snarled in reply. Terrible at conversation, really.

Turns out they didn't land.

SPLAT!

Discord smacked face-first into something enormous and purple. That was two surprises tonight!

Peeling his face off the side of the thing like a sticker, he looked up to see that he had collided with an enormous dragon.

"Well. Hello, Spike," he smiled, turning into an accordion and riding down the side of the purple dragon to the ground, where a crumpled heap of bear-shark lay groaning.

With a snap of his fingers, Discord turned the bear-shark back into a bear-sans-shark. And, grinning madly up at Spike, with another snap of his fingers... did... nothing?

He snapped again. The dragon remained unaffected. Again! Nothing! He snapped his fingers as hard as he could! A field of ice cream cones grew around his feet, but otherwise nothing!

Well, that was three surprises!

Leaning down, bringing his massive jaws close to the tiny Discord below him, Spike let out a ROAR right in Discord's face.

":-/" said Discord.

Author's Note

[9]Daimyo! Does your treachery no know bounds? Have you no honor? Face me!

[10]I think not, ninja! If we are to cross hooves in battle it will not be on this night! Tonight, the Daimyo triumphs!

Google Translate! I just know these are in actuality hilarious gibberish! Yay! If anybody out there who speaks the language wants to make Pinkie and Celestia less ridiculous, please, by all means, message me or comment or something! I'll totally give you credit and everything!

Okay guys. Sorry it's been so long since the last chapter (SIXTEEN EPISODES' WORTH in fact! And whoa! Apple Bloom does potions now! Cool!). This chapter was TOUGH to write! It just... didn't want to work. Then I had to rewrite... blah blah blah it's here now! And I managed to put out something I can take a little pride in. It certainly isn't my best chapter, but it gets the job done and does have some parts I really really like! Way better than I thought I'd be able to pull off!

I hope you like it! And I hope I can put out the next chapter much more easily! It's a Trixie chapter... so... probably!

Thank you to everyone who has read and liked and favorited! I really do appreciate it. I've never put anything I've written out there in the big, scary world before, and I kind of get a mini heart attack when I click "publish" on something (OMG whatifit'sterribleAHH), but you guys are really making it an awesome experience!

The Chapter In Which Celestia Smashes Her Face

Twilight mused to herself. If her jobs were to help Spike and Carrot Top… how would she do that, exactly? She didn’t know where Carrot Top was… and while Spike was pretty easy to spot, he was definitely not going to be an easy fix.

So she mused.

Spike turning gigantic again... it must have something to do with Trixie’s potion, she mused. Spike learned his lesson about greed the last time. I know how seriously he thinks about it. I know he wouldn’t do it again. And I sent him off to investigate Trixie's wagon. So, yeah, it must have something to do with Trixie’s potion. I guess a want-it-need-it potion must affect dragons differently than ponies… but wait! If it is Trixie’s potion… she based that off of my spell! All I have to do is figure how to counter the effects of the spell directly, and regardless of how the magic potion is expressed symptomatically... the effects should stop! Yes! Cut it off at the source! And there’s only one way to figure out how to counter a spell infusion: research!

“To the library!” Twilight said to nopony in particular, waving a hoof in the air and dashing off down the hill.

. . .

Trixie ran. She didn't know where she was. She didn't know where she was going. She didn't know what would happen to her when they caught her. She just knew she had to keep running.

She also knew she couldn't run much longer.

Come on… one hoof in front of the other! Think! Think! she thought to herself.

. . .

BONK!

“OW! What the-” said Celestia, as an object suddenly collided with her face. She rubbed her nose in pain, her eyes shut tight.

“Oof! Sorry! My bad!” said an apologetic, ditzy voice from somewhere in front of Celestia's smarting snout.

It had been a long night. Celestia was tired. She wanted to go back to her bed, and her wonderful dreams. Discord had gotten under her skin. She hated seeing bad nights like this one happen to her student. A “ninja” had just tried to “assassinate” her. Tomorrow there would be the Press. And the Paperwork (she always capitalized those words). The whole town was falling apart and her patience was, understandably, strained.

“WHOEVER YOU ARE, I DEMAND AN EXPLANATION FOR THIS MORONIC DISPLAY!” roared Celestia, her voice booming with magical augmentation. She cracked her eyes open against the throbbing pain of her nose.

Derpy Hooves looked back at her with one of her eyes. The other one was downcast. Tears brimmed in both of them. Her lip quivered. Suddenly, everything felt frozen. Pinkie Pie gasped loudly. "Whoa," said Bon-Bon.

Oh dear, thought Celestia.

Derpy didn’t bawl. She was made of sterner stuff. But she did cry. It was a strangely quiet sight for how much it hurt Celestia's heart, and one made all the worse as Bon-Bon, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Big Macintosh, and Cheerilee looked on with shocked, dumbstruck expressions on their faces. “I’m-I'm sorry, your highness,” she replied, through soft sobs. Her voice was almost a whisper. It had been a long night for Derpy, too.

SPIT! Celestia swore to herself. You know better than this! Letting yourself get annoyed! Yelling at ponies! What is wrong with you?!

After a moment’s consideration, Celestia assumed a chagrined smile, full of the warmth and honesty that her subject deserved. Putting her wing softly around the little gray pegasus, she drew her into a kindly hug. “I’m sorry. It wasn’t your fault,” she said gently. “I shouldn’t have reacted like that. It’s just been a bad evening for me. For everypony. You understand, don't you?”

Derpy looked up into the Princess’s eyes and nodded, sniffling. Then, taking Celestia a bit by surprise, fiercely returned the hug by throwing her forehooves around Celestia’s shoulders. The Princess’s smile deepened almost imperceptibly, too practiced to break into the big, goofy, relieved grin she really felt.

“Oh! Oh my… did I miss something?” somepony cooed, softly and groggily.

All eyes turned to Fluttershy, who stared back at them all. They looked upside down in her eyes, as she was laying on her back in the road. She blinked in confusion, and an embarrassed flush was even slightly visible in the space between the bottom of her eyes and the top of the ninja facemask eyehole. “I- I’m awake...” she squeaked, not sure what else to say, and trying to shrink further into her outfit as everypony stared at her.

“Oh!” Derpy said suddenly. “Oh! My goodness! Please! Come with me, everypony! The girls need help!”

Somehow, despite the lack of specificity of the word “girls,” Applejack’s heart leapt into her throat. Somehow, she knew exactly which girls. “Which way?!” she shouted.

. . .

"MARRY ME!" Raindrops screamed, landing on Trixie's back and wrapping her forehooves around her.

Trixie growled, "You don't deserve Trixie!" and tried to knock the pegasus off of her with another thwack of telekinesis, but her horn was as tired as the rest of her, and nothing happened.

"Get off of Trixie!"she shouted, managing to get the pegasus loose by bucking her off.

She had lost ground on the mob, though... she was running out of options. She needed some sort of plan. And soon.

Rounding a corner at top speed, Trixie's hooves skidded on the cobbles like a racing cart.

And there, in front of her, was Twilight's library tree.

Twilight Sparkle!

She could hear the mob behind her, so very close! Could she make it?

Of course I can make it! I am the Great and PowerfulTrixie! she thought to herself, feeling her muzzle crack into a confident smile. It felt good to wear the smile again. She felt her energy redouble, and her hoofbeats came faster and surer.

. . .

"Hmm," Discord mused, Twilight-style. He rubbed his chin with a clawed hand in thought.

ROOOOOOOAAAAAR! Spike thundered again.

"Yes, yes, you've made your point," Discord said without turning to look at the fifty meter dragon baring its teeth at him. His tone was one of mild annoyance. He waved his other claw in a dismissive gesture. "Where was I? Oh yes: hmm."

Spike blinked in confusion. Snake thing small. Small was food. Food should be scared! Confusing!

"I don't know why my magic isn't working, but I suppose that's part of the fun, isn't it? If you can't beat 'em... join 'em! ...And then beat 'em!"

And with a snap of his fingers, Discord began to grow, his muscles stretching and inflating like balloons under his skin. With a mighty chuckle, Discord reared up on his hind legs to an impressive fifty-five meter height, his arms bulging like bodybuilder parodies.

Spike confused!

Discord cracked his knuckles, grinning madly. “Haven’t had to do this in a while!”

. . .

The gang could not keep up with Celestia, Rainbow Dash, Big Macintosh, or Applejack, but they ran as fast as they could. Those four had waited just, just long enough for Derpy to give them the directions, and then shot off at top speed.

Pinkie, Fluttershy, Bon-Bon, Cheerilee, and Derpy still ran (and flew) as fast as they could after them, but of course they couldn't compete with that kind of speed. Well, possibly Pinkie Pie could, but she was a bit distracted. It was difficult for her, you see, to take her eyes off the sight of the giant dragon and giant Discord grappling each other, looming above the town.

"...Daikaijū!" Pinkie said, her mouth dropping open.

Author's Note

I've been away for a while... but... huh. A full, complete chapter, already uploaded and formatted... never published? Well, this is a nice surprise, I guess! I don't know what past me was thinking, not publishing it...

Ah well! Here you go! More to follow!

In Which Rainbow Gives Applejack a Hard Time

Twilight telekenetically tossed a book over her shoulder, but it was but one of many to meet this fate.

"No, no... not that one, no..." she said, glancing at and then tossing aside book after book as she rifled through her shelves. "Rrrgh!" she growled in frustration, "Where is it?!"

The door flew open. Twilight turned to look...

And was met with a dirty, sweaty, sticky purple cloth wrapped over her face, casting her world in sudden darkness.

"H-hey!" Twilight said in surprise, and made to remove the offending object with her magic.

"Do not remove the cape, Twilight Sparkle!" then, after a moment’s thought: “...Also, it is sticky with potion. Do not lick the cape, Twilight Sparkle!”

"Trixie?" Twilight said. "Oh right, because of the want-it-need-"

"Yes yes yes!" Trixie interrupted impatiently. "There is not much time. Trixie's... ahem... suitors... are right outside!" Trixie was running from window to window, looking nervously outside at the rapidly approaching horde.

"Oh, okay, no problem."

"Trixie fears we may be torn limb from... what now?"

"No problem," Twilight said again. "I'll just put up a shield spell," Twilight said from behind her makeshift mask, her voice somewhat muffled.

Trixie was aghast. "Around the whole building?!"

Twilight cocked her shrouded head to one side in slight confusion, "Unless you think I need to make it bigger for some reason?"

"Bigger?! How can you... the whole building... without even..." Trixie sputtered, until finally bringing herself back around with "Trixie hates you."

Twilight's horn glowed briefly underneath her new headwear. "It's done. The building should be safe for a few hours."

Trixie blinked. "But you didn't even break a sweat..." Trixie began, but then felt her fatigue begin to hit her. Her muscles burned, her legs ached. Her knees wobbled. Her horn throbbed. She didn't so much sit down on the floor as she did collapse on it.

"Trixie?" Twilight said, her vision still obscured. "I think I have something that will help me see with your... condition. I'm going to go get it, and then I need to find my book, and then I can start helping you."

Trixie didn't immediately respond, so Twilight began feeling her way towards her basement lab. Fortunately, Twilight knew her home very well, and was able to navigate by touch and sound with much trouble.

After a couple of minutes, Twilight emerged from the basement wearing an enormous pair of goggles, with pale green lenses and various knobs and gauges on the sides. They appeared to be made of brass, and must have weighed several pounds.

"I developed these after my... incident with the want-it-need-it spell. They should protect me from..." Twilight began explaining, only to see that in her absence, Trixie had gotten back up, walked over to the shelf, had pulled a book off of it, and had fallen fast asleep on the floor next to it. It was the exact book Twilight had been searching for.

Twilight levitated the book up and onto her worktable, which was positioned next to her own cauldron.

Turning back to Trixie, Twilight found herself smiling at her. Rolling her eyes a little and shaking her head good-naturedly, Twilight levitated over a pillow and blanket, which she situated comfortably for her unusual guest.

"Twilight... Sparkle... can... fix... this..." Trixie murmured as Twilight adjusted her head gently onto the pillow.

Twilight's smile broke just a little wider. "I'll do my best Trixie. I'll do my best."

. . .

Celestia, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, and Big Mac arrived on the scene of the burning four-story building.

"Can't you... you know," Dash waved her hoof at the burning building, "just... Princess this all away?"

Celestia frowned in thought. "Well, I could rip the roof off, but there would be heavy, flaming debris falling off of it. Or... I could rip those beams out of the way through the window and wall, but there's a chance that there could be a collapse, or even a backdraft..."

"No! Ain't we got a real plan?!" Applejack said, stomping her hoof for emphasis, impatience showing itself in her body language.

"Fire shield?" Celestia suggested. "I could put a shield up around you, and you could try to make your way to them through one of the other windows?"

"That's a plan! Let's go with that!" Applejack said, Rainbow and Big Mac nodding in agreement.

"Very well. I will put a fire shield up around the three of you to protect you from the heat. I will have to remain stationary to concentrate on the spell, but I should be able to levitate one of you up to one of the windows up there. Rainbow, can you carry Applejack up there?"

"Well, ordinarily I could, but I think she's been hitting the apple pies pretty hard lately, if you know what I mean..." Rainbow wanted to say, but of course this was a crisis, and so instead she said, "Yeah, I got her, Princess!" saluting smartly. Still, Rainbow cracked a rather stupid grin picturing the face Applejack would've made.

"Excellent. Once the three of you get inside, just go find them, bring them to the window, and I can levitate them down from there."

Celestia planted her hooves, closed her eyes, and tilted her horn upwards slightly. As the Princess' horn lit up, a small, fiery orange sphere began to form a couple inches above the tip of her horn. After a moment, it coalesced into a miniature sun, and three sunbeams shot out from it, striking Big Macintosh, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash, and covering each of them with a faint orange layer.

Big Mac was looking at his hoof, studying the fire shield, when he was rather suddenly and quickly picked up and rushed to the fourth floor window one room down from the Crusaders' room. "Whoa!" he said in surprise, his eyes widening as he went from ground level to four stories in the air in the blink of an eye, the window approaching quickly. He frowned, and quickly covered his eyes.

Rainbow Dash swooped down and grabbed Applejack around her midsection, lifting her into the air and flying after Big Mac.
Celestia could hear Applejack yelling at Rainbow as the two flew away. Seems Rainbow just couldn't resist a crack about her weight after all. I mean, let's face it, it's Rainbow.

Regardless, the rescue was underway!

. . .

BOOM! BOOM! BOOM!

The blows of the titans rumbled like thunder as they fought.

Giant Spike and giant Discord met each other in a grapple, claws grasped together as each fought for an advantage over the other.

Discord was taller, but Spike was heavier and had a lower center of balance. They were well matched.

"You know, Spike," Discord said, conversationally, the strain that would have been present during such exertion in any other being absent from his voice, "it's been a long time since I've enjoyed myself as much as this. Maybe we should make this, say, a weekly thing? We could meet on Thursdays, transform into monsters, battle each other..."

"ROOOOOOAAAAARRRRR!" Spike replied.

"Hmm. The conversation would not be terribly stimulating, I suppose... still..."

Spike opened his mouth. A green glow began to form in the back of his throat.

"Oh no," said Discord. "Spike..."

The glow became a fiery flicker.

"Spiiiike..." Discord said, warningly.

Spike's stared straight at Discord, his claws tightening around Discord's, holding the draconequus in place. His eyes began to glow green.

"Can't we... talk about this?" Discord tried. And then his face was bathed in green flame.

Author's Note

This part came out pretty quick and easy!

WILL TWILIGHT RESEARCH A CURE FOR TRIXIE AND SPIKE?!
WILL THE RESCUE OF THE CMC GO ACCORDING TO PLAN?!
WILL DISCORD AND SPIKE SURVIVE THE KAIJU BATTLE?!
TUNE IN NEXT TIME, SAME PONY TIME, SAME PONY CHANNEL!

Fire Action Rescue Ponies Are Go!

Her hooves banged the bubble as the crowd gathered round.
This did nothing, but make a small hollow sound.
The others kept pounding, but Zecora she frowned.
She'd claim her prize through smarts, not knocking around.

Precious, perfect Trixie was inside, she thought, hoof to her chin.
Now, how to get past this bubble, and in?
Perhaps she could tunnel, and get dirt on her skin,
But she wanted to look nice for Trixie, within.

That left out tunneling, which was too bad.
It might have worked poor… but more likely, rad.
Z imagined Trixie, scantily clad.
Well... Trixie always was, but it still made her glad.

Zecora picked up a rock, and a rock she threw.
It hit the bubble and bounced off askew.
The rock hit the mayor, and turned her eye blue,
And that’s how the riot ensued.

. . .

Twilight looked up from her research and out the window. She saw that the crowd had upgraded from “zombies” to “rioters.” Twilight shrugged. Time for that later.

Now was the time for SCIENCE.

With the steadiness that came with years of experience, Twilight mixed and stirred, heated and cooled, reacted and decanted, and just generally chemistry’d.

There was so much science going on, you do not even know. There was science to the left, and there was science to the right. It was like some kind of science party.

Which… come to think of it… was one type of party Pinkie Pie had not thrown, to Twilight’s knowledge.

But, after a fevered hour of activity: the potion! At last! Twilight held it aloft! “EUREKA!” she said, allowing herself a hearty science laugh.

...Then it slipped out of her hoof and nearly smashed on the floor. She caught it just in time with her telekinesis. She shook her head, glad that no one had been around to see that (and hoping Trixie was still sleeping).

“Still, though,” she said, much more subdued. “Eureka.”

Okay, Twilight. Step one: get a potion. Check!

Step two: administer potion.

Twilight looked out her window at the murderous riot of Trixie-philes. Twilight looked out her other window to see a multi-story Spike continuing to breathe fire in the face of a chaos god. She looked back out the first window. Riot. And back to the second window. Dragon monster. Angry mob. Discord on fire. Anarchy. Clash of the titans.

Step two: administer potion.

Twilight scratched her head. And, prized student of sun goddess Celestia herself, most gifted unicorn of Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns, Element of Magic, sister of the Captain of the Royal Guard, and defender of the realm Twilight Sparkle spake her plan: “Hhhhhhuh. Hmm.”

INSPIRING.

. . .

“Whoa!” said Sweetie Belle, as Rainbow Dash wrapped her legs protectively around the tiny filly, curled her wings close to her body, and blasted out through the smashed window at top speed, unfurling her wings out in the open air.

When Pinkie Pie had arrived, she had set up a makeshift fall mat out of hundreds of balloons. Balloons of unknown origin. Because Pinkie Pie.

Rainbow hovered down and gently dropped Sweetie Belle onto the balloons. She clambered off them, to Cheerilee, Pinkie, and Bon-Bon, who had set up a makeshift aid station.

“Got one for ya, yer highness!” Applejack called down to Celestia, and helped Carrot Top to the window, where Celestia picked the pony up with her telekinesis, and brought her down to the balloons.

Big Mac came up behind Applejack, with Apple Bloom on his back. As they approached the window… the building began to make groaning and splintering noises.

“Oh no!” said Applejack. “The roof’s comin’ down! Out! Out! Out!” and all three jumped just as the roof crushed the room behind them into fiery splinters.

“Scootaloo!” Rainbow Dash shouted, shooting up to the window, but unable to get any further. “Squirt! Scootaloo! SCOOTALOO!”

Between the balloons and Celestia’s telekinesis, Apple Bloom, Applejack, and Big Mac made it to the ground safely.

Apple Bloom hugged Sweetie Belle, and the two of them looked up at the building silently, tears in their eyes.

“Oh no… oh…” said Cheerilee, unable to believe it.

“RIP THE BEAMS, RIP THE BEAMS, TAKE OFF THE ROOF!” Applejack shouted at Celestia, which Celestia prepared to do. But before she could...

CRASH!

At the other end of the building from the room where Carrot Top and the Crusaders had huddled, the window exploded outward in a gray blur, and with a… less elegant flaring of her wings than Rainbow, Derpy steadied herself in mid-air, carrying a little orange filly in her forehooves.

Seeing everypony staring at her, Derpy blushed as the two touched down (more softly than usual for Derpy). “Sorry we’re so late, we got a little turned around in there.”

“When did you even- I thought you were out-” Bon-Bon sputtered. She could have sworn the gray pegasus had been standing right next to her a second ago...

“Scootaloo!” Rainbow said, flying over to them.

“H-hey, Rainbow Dash,” Scootaloo said, waving. She was embarrassed, but a little bit too scared and relieved and tired to act cool in front of her idol and “big sister.” “I guess we kinda-”

She was interrupted by Rainbow Dash wrapping her hooves around her tight and hugging her. “Don’t ever scare me like that again, Squirt,” Rainbow said. Her voice was thick… was she… crying? No, no, couldn’t be… she was far too cool for that.

“And you!” Rainbow said, separating herself from Scootaloo and pointing her hoof at Derpy, who looked confused. “What were you doing in there?! None of us knew you were in there! You didn’t have a fire shield! What if we’d saved everypony and left you in there without knowing?!”

“I know… I know… I’m sorry,” Derpy said, one eye downcast and the other more down-and-to-the-sidecast.

But Rainbow wasn’t angry, and nearly tackled Derpy with a big hug. Hiding her face so nopony could see that she had tears in her eyes, and whispering so nopony could hear her say, “Thank you.”

Derpy’s face went from sad to confused to joy, and her heart made the transition too. Feeling something around her leg, she looked down to see Scootaloo hugging her leg. “Thank you, Miss Hooves,” said Scootaloo. Derpy's face lit up like Celestia's sun.

And as the now very relieved ponies gathered around to offer congratulations to the new hero (and Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle tackled their fellow Crusader, laughing with relief), Pinkie Pie leaned over to Celestia. “That pony has definitely earned a party.”

Celestia nodded, “Yes. Yes she has.” Then, after a moment’s thought, “I am prepared to offer you full access to my party resources.”

Pinkie Pie’s face remained serious. Not turning to look at Celestia, she said, “You do realize what you’re getting into, don’t you?”

Celestia smiled. “Yes, yes I do.”

I would like to state for the record that I do not believe this to be the case.

Author's Note

Rapid-fire short chapter bursts! KAPOW!

Twilight Sparkle Solves Problems

“Hey, folks! This next part’s a little nightmare-y, so I’m here to lighten the mood with a little physical comedy!” Pinkie Pie said, smiling brightly.

“...Pinkie Pie, why are you talking to a mailbox?” Celestia asked, walking up to the pink party pony, her head tilted slightly in curiousity.

The banana peel had been positioned with acute precision. Hoof met peel, and face met street, leaving Princess Celestia’s flanks sticking awkwardly in the air.

“A RED GIANT SUN COULD CONSUME THIS WORLD IN AN INSTANT, PINKIE PIE.”

“Wooow,” Pinkie Pie said to the mailbox. “Somepony’s grumpy-wumpy!”

. . .

Trixie dreamed, as she so often did, of the Alicorn Amulet, the powerful artifact that had once (briefly) made her more powerful than Twilight Sparkle.

She had lost her mind, then. And the reverberations of the power coursing through her body that day remained forever etched in her memory. It had made her somepony she had never wanted to be, and she had loved it.

And it terrified her.

She dreamed she was on stage. “Watch in awe!” she said ostentatiously, striking her trademark pose on her hind legs, with her forehooves thrown up in the air. Fireworks sparked from the floor on all sides around her. But all she heard from the darkness around the stage was laughter. Mocking laughter.

Applejack emerged from the shadows. “Yer a liar,” she said, and the word liar echoed in the darkness.

Then Rarity appeared next to Applejack. “You are a show-off,” she sneered, and repeating “show-off” echoes joined “liar” in the background noise of mockery and judgement.

Then Rainbow Dash joined her friends. “You’re arrogant.”

As the words and the laughter pounded into her ears from all sides, Trixie whimpered, “B… but… I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” she screamed, her voice strangely quiet against the noise. Tears brimmed in her eyes.

And then the amulet was there, on her neck. And Trixie's hat and cape were gone, replaced with a black cloak.

And she made them dance. And she laughed. And they were the fools.

Twilight and Zecora appeared to stop her, but the amulet was too strong! She cast them back to the darkness!

"Stop."

"Who dares?!" Trixie wheeled to see... Trixie. The other Trixie wore no amulet, but wore the purple spangled hat and cape with an air of stupid, frail pride. "What?"

"This isn't me."

"This IS me! Trixie the Great! Trixie the Powerful!"

"Trixie the bully. Look at them, Trixie, they aren't impressed with you. You aren't delighting or entertaining or even scaring them. They hate you. More than they ever have before, they hate you. All the power in the world, and you're still in the same situation you were before."

"I can MAKE them love me!"

"You can make them act like they do."

"You," the sinister Trixie spat. "You are so CONFIDENT. So SURE." The amulet began to glow red. "But you belong to US! We will see how you JUDGE us when you are GONE!"

Tendrils of black energy shot out from the amulet and wrapped around the old Trixie, whose eyes opened wide in surprise and alarm. "No!" The tendrils wrapped around her hind legs, dropping her to the ground and dragging her on her stomach towards her possessed self, now enshrouded in a red-black cloud.

Behind her, the old Trixie could see Twilight Sparkle and Zecora, who reached out to her with their hooves to help her. She knew that they could make it stop. She knew that they could help her.

But she didn't reach back for them. And she found herself dragged closer and closer to the amulet. She was terrified. She was horrified. But mostly... mostly she was ashamed.

Trixie awoke screaming.

Twilight shrieked in response, and nearly dropped her precious vial of potion once again.

“What? Where?” Trixie said, panting and looking around in a brief disoriented panic. Then, quickly coming to her senses, and deciding that the best way to salvage her dignity in front of her rival was to pretend that that hadn’t just happened, she got up and said, conversationally, “So, ahem, how is the cure coming, Twilight Sparkle?”

Twilight held up the vial with her telekinesis, smiling brightly.

Trixie looked at the vial.

Twilight looked at Trixie expectantly, awaiting enthusiasm.

Trixie looked at Twilight.

Twilight stared back at Trixie. She adjusted her goggles with her hoof.

Trixie looked at the vial again.

“...That’s it?! That little vial? Did you look outside?! There are… like, a hundred ponies out there!”

“A hundred and twelve ponies. As well as twenty-three animals of varying species (including one very rude pigeon), and one zebra. And also Spike.”

“Spike?”

Twilight pointed out her window with her hoof. Trixie looked out the window. Then, she looked up.

“...Ah.” Trixie said, scratching the back of her head frantically in manner that did not suggest an itch, a wide-eyed, half-smile of utter disbelief written in her face. “Of course.” Then, returning somewhat to her senses, Trixie continued, “But there is no way that tiny amount will do!”

Twilight pointed her hoof behind Trixie. Trixie turned to look. And there was Twilight’s cauldron, filled nearly to the brim with what must have been seven hundred pounds of potion. “...Ah. ...Of course.” Then, Trixie again continued, “So… then… what is that vial for?”

Twilight looked meaningfully at Trixie.

“What?” Then, realization crossed her face. “Oh no, you can’t expect Trixie to…”

Twilight shook her head. “I’d rather not use you as a guinea pig, but I don’t think we have much choice here. I’m certainly not going to use an experimental potion on one hundred and twelve ponies, twenty-three animals, a zebra, and a fifty-meter tall dragon, unless I’m reasonably sure it works.”

Trixie growled. “...Fine! Give me that potion!” Trixie yanked the vial out of Twilight’s telekinesis with her own, uncorked it, and drank it down in one quick gulp.

Nothing happened.

Trixie didn’t feel any different.

Nothing continued to happen.

Twilight stared at Trixie through her goggles.

Nothing kept happening.

Trixie stared back at Twilight, awkwardly waiting, silently.

After a sufficient duration of nothing, Trixie finally snapped, “Well? Did it work?”

“I don’t know! What part of experimental didn’t you understand?” Twilight sighed. “I’m not observing any side-effects… I guess… there’s really only one way to find out if it worked…” she said, reaching for her goggles.

Trixie was instantly struck by the notion that if it indeed had not worked, then she was about to be trapped in close quarters with an overamorous Twilight Sparkle. One hundred and twelve ponies, twenty-three animals, and a zebra were one thing… but the thought of Twilight falling under her… charms… was utterly terrifying. “Wait! Are you… sure this is a…”

Twilight removed the goggles.

Trixie and Twilight stared at each other. Trixie gulped nervously.

“I… I…” Twilight said, licking her lips, “I want…”

“T-Twilight?”

“I… need…”

Trixie looked frantically around the room, wide-eyed, searching for an escape route.

Twilight’s horn lit up.

Trixie briefly considered teleporting away, but knew that that would not help her now.

“I… need… a cup of coffee. Seriously. It’s been a long night!” Twilight said, levitating a steaming cup from out of the kitchen.

Trixie’s mouth dropped open. “Twilight Sparkle… you are a massive jerk.”

Twilight grinned, and tilted her cup to her lips.

. . .

“See? That wasn’t so bad, now was it? A little intense at first, but it got funnier!” Pinkie said, smiling brightly.

“Uh… Pinkie? Why’re ya talkin’ to a mailbox? And uh… what’s goin’ on with the Princess over here?”

The rake had been positioned with acute precision. Hoof met rake, rake met face, leaving Applejack swearing into her hoof as she rubbed her nose.

Pinkie produced a trombone from nowhere apparent, and played WAAAH WAAAH WAAAH WAAAAAAAAAAAH.

“Together…” Celestia said, picking herself up off the ground, “Together, we could destroy her, Applejack!”

“Don’t tempt me, yer highness. Don’t tempt me.” Applejack growled, rubbing her nose some more.

Pinkie Pie smiled at the mailbox, gesturing over her shoulder with her hoof. “These two, huh? Looks like grumpy-wumpy-ness is catching, amirite?! But they’ve been such good sports! Give ‘em a hand everypony!”

Celestia and Applejack looked at each other and shrugged.

. . .

Zecora watched Trixie taste potion.
She put her hoof to the ground with a grinding motion.
Twilight was with her, and Z had a notion,
Twi' meant to steal the object of her devotion.

The riot was loud and rough.
Zecora got hit with all kinds of stuff.
Love letters and feathers and pillow fluff.
Rocks, too! Ow! Enough was enough!

"You are all being fools, don't you see?"
Zecora shouted rather quite loudly.
"Twilight is inside of there, stealing Trixie!"
All eyes looked inside angrily.

Rage was building in Zecora heart!
This was treachery, Twi', you scandalous tart!
"We must be a team to pass this rampart!
"We're stronger together than we are apart!"

Together they struck the bubble, in force.
It started to crack as a matter of course.
A small hole formed at the crack's source.
Zecora snuck in, before Twi' reinforced.

. . .

"Geez!" Twilight said suddenly, her horn glowing.

“What is it?”

“The ponies outside… they’re acting more coordinated now. I’m reinforcing the shield bubble, but I don’t know how much longer we’ve got.”

“Then let’s give them the potion and fix all of this!” Trixie said, gesturing to Twilight’s cauldron.

“Yeah… um. Okay! Um. So I’ll just… uh…”

“...You have no idea how to give all those ponies this potion, do you.” Trixie said, flatly. It was more accusation than question.

Twilight blushed, rubbing the back of her head with her hoof. “Eh heh… eh heh heh… no.”

Trixie put her hoof to her face. “I’m doomed.”

. . .

"Aaaanyway, so then, Fluttershy tells me that Roseluck told her that Lotus told her, that she thought she saw Caramel and Nurse Redheart, of all ponies, eating dinner together! And well, you know, I hate to be a gossip, but to hear her tell it, it sounded like a rather romantic dinner, if you know what I mean!" Discord said in a conspiratorial tone that should have been rather more strained by virtue of the fact that he and Spike were bear-hugging each other, their massive footsteps booming with each step as each muscled to push the other over, but was in fact, not, by virtue of the fact that Discord was required by the laws of the universe to be impossible.

"ROOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAARRR!" Spike replied.

"Oh, I know! It's positively scandalous! Why, what will Sassaflash think when she hears? Everypony knows she's had a crush on Caramel for years!"

"RRRROOOOOOAAARRRRR!!!" Spike expounded.

"Oh, we never talk anymore!"

Spike opened his jaw. His eyes, spines, and mouth began to glow green.

"Oh, we're not doing this again, are we? Please tell me we aren't doing this again."

FWOOOSH!

. . .

"What about... some kind of hose?" Trixie suggested, half-heartedly. They had been at the "come up with a way to deliver the potion" brainstorming for a few minutes now, and Trixie was starting to lose hope.

Twilight waved her hoof around her. "I haven't got any hose here. What if you just... lured them into a trap..."

"No. No. No. No! Trixie is not luring anything anywhere! Trixie does not have a death wish, Twilight Sparkle!"

"Oh, they probably wouldn't kill you..."

Trixie growled at Twilight.

Twilight sighed and looked out the window. "...Doesn't Discord ever shut up?"

Rather than answer the question (which Trixie suspected was rhetorical in nature anyway), Trixie sighed, and put one hoof to her horn. "If only I hadn't exhausted my magic. I could make a little lightning cloud and rain the potion on them."

"Oh, yeah, I like that spell! I still have to figure out how you did it one of these days! ...I doubt that little cloud would do the job anyway though... it's a little... small... for... wait, that's it! I've got it!"

"You... do?"

Levitating her massive, full cauldron as if it weighed as much as a carrot, Twilight said, "Wait here!" and ran out the door.

. . .

Zecora hid in the ceiling joists.
The question of why a tree needed those she didn't voice.
Perhaps it was an aesthetic choice?
But from above she saw Twilight leave Trixie, and she rejoiced.

. . .

Trixie looked out the window, watching Twilight run off with her cauldron of potion floating by her side, both phasing through the shield bubble.

"Well, whatever you're planning, Sparkle, I hope it works..."

Then, Trixie stiffened as she felt a hoof trace softly down the side of her face from behind. Feeling hot breath in her ear, her eyes widened. She was too scared to move. Then, the hot breath whispered softly right into her ear, "Zecora is here, have no fear."

Wow. You know, Trixie was totally terrified before you said "Have no fear," Zecora, but I'm sure that that reassured her.

Nnnnnope. Hmm. She is running and screaming. Should've seen that coming.You haven't got much running room in the library, you know, Trixie.

Zecora licked her lips, gave a predatory smile, and gave chase.

. . .

Twilight ran, careful to avoid being seen by any of the Trixie Love Club still bashing away at her magic shield bubble.

Her hooves pounded the pavement and she felt smaller and smaller as she approached Spike and Discord's battleground, marked by a wide circle of flattened trees and buildings.

A streak of green flame engulfed Discord's head. Hopefully, that wouldn't distract him too severely. Personally, Twilight doubted that it would.

"Discord!" she yelled up at him.

Discord's eyes appeared out of the fire. "Yes? I'm rather busy at the moment, Sprinkle Princess."

Twilight ignored the name. Instead, she grinned rakishly, and levitated the cauldron up to Discord. Waving it in front of his eyes. "Make it rain, Discord," she said. "Make it rain!"

Confusion passed through the eyes inside the fire for a moment, followed by a wicked glint. "My pleasure."

Author's Note

Trixie is complicated.

We're closing in on the end here, folks. Depending on how I decide to organize the last parts, it'll be another 2 or 3 chapters. We've almost made it!

Friday

“So, uh… it wasn’t a plant growth potion,” Carrot Top said.

“No!” Derpy replied, aghast.

Carrot Top looked out from under the fruit cart at the fires across town dying under the chocolate milk rain. The fires she had caused.

“I am going to get into a lot of trouble for this,” Carrot Top said, more reflectively than sadly.

“You are. Ponies are definitely going to be mad at you about this. You burned down, like, half the town,” Derpy replied, waving her hoof across the panorama for emphasis. “But,” she smiled, “for what it’s worth, CT, no matter what happens, and no matter what they say, I’ll still be your friend. I’ll be right next to you the whole time. You’ll get through this alright.”

Carrot Top nuzzled her friend with her nose. “It’s worth a lot, D. Thank you.”

. . .

Applejack watched Celestia run to her right, looking frantically for shelter.

She turned to her sister. “Ah thought Ah told ya, NO ‘Cutie Mark Crusaders fireponies,’ or whatever!” Applejack admonished, admonishingly.

Apple Bloom was admonished. “Well yeah, but… it jest seemed like such a good idea at the time… besides, we saved Miss Carrot Top!”

Applejack watched Celestia run to her left, looking frantically for shelter.

“No, ya got all four of y’all trapped in a burnin' buildin'!”

“...And stopped Carrot Top’s crazy magic thing!” Apple Bloom insisted.

Applejack watched Celestia run to her right, looking frantically for shelter.

“Actually, we stopped Carrot Top’s crazy magic thing!” Sweetie Belle interjected. “You just ran into a burning building without thinking!”

Apple Bloom scowled at her friend, who smiled angelically in return.

Applejack watched Celestia run to her left, looking frantically for shelter. She was shouting, “Ahhh! I hate this! I hate this! I hate this!” now.

Applejack frowned, and replied, “Y’see? Use yer sense, Bloom!”

Apple Bloom rolled her eyes, utilizing all of her perfect technique to do so. It was a most impressive eye roll, let me tell you. “Fiiine,” the little filly drawled. “No more fire-fightin’.” She crossed her forehooves petulantly, no easy maneuver in the cramped environs of the fruit cart.

Applejack watched Celestia run to her right, looking frantically for shelter. “This is madness!” she was shrieking.

Turning away from the sight, Applejack said, “Mac, will ya back me up here?! I’m trying ta teach Apple Bloom not to keep gettin’ herself all fried? Oh for the love of-” she put a hoof to her face. “Mac, can y’all leave Miss Cheerilee alone fer a minute? Mac? Ugh! Yer such a chatterbox!”

. . .

“So uh… it might’ve looked like I was crying or something uncool out there, but I totally wasn’t!"

"I know, Rainbow Dash," Scootaloo replied, smiling. "And it might have looked... kiiind of like I was scared or something... but I totally wasn't!"

Dash grinned, and tousled the filly's mane with a hoof. "Awesome. Glad we got that cleared up!" Then, looking up from her number one fan, Rainbow said, "Hey, Derpy!"

"Huh...?"

Dash stared dumbly back at her for a moment. She actually hadn't thought this far ahead. Wow, this thanking thing was hard! "Uhh..." Hmm. Dash scratched the back of her mane in thought. "Buuuh..." Hmmm. Ah ha! Of course! Dash threw her forehoof out, pointing it at Derpy. "You are awesome! Hoofbump!" Nailed it.

Derpy giggled and hoofbumped her colorful friend.

"Yeah! Also, we should totally hang out sometime!" Rainbow said enthusiatically. Clearly, she was encouraged by how perfectly she'd handled that.

"Okay, Rainbow Dash. That sounds... awesome!"

“Thanks, Miss Hooves!” Scootaloo said, throwing her own hoof out for a hoofbump in a near-perfect imitation of her idol.

“My pleasure, little one,” said Derpy, going for a quick hug this time instead of a hoofbump.

“I’m not that little!” Scootaloo struggled against the hug. “Miss Hooves, this is soo uncool!” Scootaloo protested weakly.

Rainbow laughed.

. . .

“Um. I’m… um. I’m sorry,” Fluttershy said, nearly whispering.

“Hmm?” said Bon-Bon.

“I… um… oh gosh, I’m so sorry!”

“Huh? Why?”

Fluttershy blinked. “Um. The ninja thing? ‘We will destroy you!’ and… and so on?”

Bon-Bon shrugged. “‘S’alright.”

“Oh. Um. Okay.”

The two sat in silence for a moment, Bon-Bon’s a distracted and worried silence, and Fluttershy’s an awkward, nervous silence.

“Um.”

“Hmm?”

“You seem like you’re a million miles away, if you don’t mind me saying so.”

Bon-Bon sighed. “I hope it isn’t that many miles… I’m sorry, Fluttershy. I just keep worrying about Lyra.”

"Oh, well I can understand that, but I'm sure she's fine."

"I wish I could be as sure as you, then. I can't stop worrying about her. She gets into so much trouble when I'm not around."

"Well, if there's one thing I know about that pony, it's this: she's thinking about you, too. I know it."

Bon-Bon smiled. "Thanks, Fluttershy. I like that thought."

"Y-you know, she was telling me the other day about you. In fact, she's always talking about you. The way she makes it sound, you're the greatest pony in the whole world."

Bon-Bon looked surprised. "I didn't know she did that."

"Well, you can ask almost anypony. She's made you one of the town's most famous ponies, if you ask me."

"I always thought... I always thought I was, you know... just kind of... well... Lyra's accessory. I love her to death, Fluttershy, but I always thought I was living in her shadow."

Fluttershy giggled. "Oh my, no! Although... In the Shadow of Lyra would be a wonderful book title!"

Bon-Bon laughed. "When I see Lyra again," Yes. When. Not if! she thought, positively, "I don't know if I should slap her, or kiss her!"

"And that sounds like a line from a romance novel!"

"What are you, Twilight Sparkle? Got books on the brain?" Bon-Bon said, laughing again.

Fluttershy blushed, smiling sheepishly.

. . .

There is no party, save the one you create for yourself.

The absence of party is the void. It is the natural state of being, but it is the absence of doing. The void is to be. The party within the void is to live.

Without party, the void is, the pony is, and the party pony is not. But without the void, the party cannot have form, and so the party pony cannot exist in a world of party alone.

To party requires others, and each other cannot alone party. To party is to live, and to live is to make others alive with you. This is party. This is the way of the party pony.

Milk is the void. It is the food of being. Chocolate is the party. It is the food of the living party. The being and the living together form perfection. The perfection of chocolate milk.

Milk is sustenance. Chocolate is party. Chocolate milk is zen.

Cotton candy is good too.

thought Pinkie Pie.

She stood in the middle of the street, while Celestia ran frantically back and forth around her, wailing in a singularly un-princess-like fashion. Pinkie’s head was tilted back, accepting chocolate milk rain into her welcoming mouth. She had not moved for fifteen minutes.

. . .

Dawn had broken, but it had been nearly ten minutes late. Curious, Luna thought, looking to the sky. I wonder what could have distracted my sister so.

Luna, Lyra, and Shovel Face had been walking for what seemed like, to a Princess used to flying, forever. It had, of course, been about a half hour. Be strong, Luna. Be strong.

“Are we there yet?” she whined.

“Nope. We’re a few miles away from town, actually,” Lyra said.

Shovel Face, meanwhile, reflected. So much had happened to him in such a short time. His whole life had been one of dealing with his ridiculous name, but last night, he had finally discovered the reason for it. He remembered how it felt when he faced the bear-shark. How his fear had melted away, and he had acted with surety and confidence. How he had stepped toward the monster with his shovel, and fulfilled his destiny, while beautiful mares looked on adoringly.

It had been pretty awesome, really. He could picture the faces of countless taunters and condescenders and pitiers who would have been shocked if they had seen the humble Friendship Express boilerpony that night.

And then everything had gone wrong on the train. He would have jumped off if it had been any other night. He would have saved himself. But he had still felt that feeling! The confidence! The steel resolve! The fearlessness! Was the difference between a "hero" and a regular pony really just a state of mind? He hadn't wanted to die on that train... but he had been prepared to. Shovel Face shuddered involuntarily at the thought. What did that mean? He was happy. He had a good life, and at least a few ponies would have been sad to hear of his fate if he had not made it. Did that make him reckless? Uncaring? Risking his life with a stupid, half-thought plan, to save strangers? A part of him wondered if he would do it all over again. Another part of him knew that he would, in a heartbeat.

Shovel Face didn't have many answers, but he had questions to think about, and for now, that was enough.

“Would you like to… teleport with me? That would cut the distance down significantly,” Luna suggested, hopefully.

“Hmm… nope! It’s a nice day for a walk!” Lyra replied cheerfully.

“I… see,” Luna said, put-off. Nooooo! It’s a nice day for a waaaalk! she mouthed silently in imitation, with her tongue sticking out and her eyes crossed, walking behind Lyra so she couldn't see her. It was such a silly sight to Shovel Face: the Moon Goddess, Her Royal Highness, making goofy faces because her hoovsies were tired.

Luna was not what Shovel Face had expected at all.

Like most ponies of his generation, he had grown up hearing only of Luna in history books, or on Nightmare Night, both of which had made much of Luna as the terrifying and villainous Nightmare Moon. The traitor who had tried to overthrow her sister. When the news spread that Equestria had now not one, but two rulers, nopony had known anything about Luna, other than she had apparently “gotten better.”

He had perhaps expected a stiff, aloof, regal type pony, cold and distant. Luna was not that at all. She had a sort of... awkward innocence about her, at times, yet still somehow seemed impossibly wise at others. She fascinated him.

What had it been like to be banished to the moon for a thousand years? A thousand years, all alone… how had she come back from that? He couldn’t even begin to imagine. Yet here she was, one of the most stable and even fun ponies he had ever met. No, Luna was not what Shovel Face had expected at all.

He had so many questions to ask… but he couldn’t. He was nopony to ask those questions of her.

“Hey, what’s that?” Lyra said, interrupting his thoughts. She stopped suddenly to point her hoof, and Luna bumped right into her with an un-princess-like “Ooof!”

Shovel Face looked where Lyra was pointing. He didn’t see anything. Just some shrubs, some debris from the train, and… hmm… yeah… what was that? He stepped closer.

It couldn’t be.

It was.

Using his magic, he extricated his shovel from the dirt.

“I don’t believe it,” he said, smiling. “My shovel.”

It looked very much worse for the wear. The end was badly dented and malformed, and the wooden shaft was splintered almost in two by a long crack that ran angularly down and across the length of it. The cross-piece handle was gone altogether. It was dirty, it was dingy. But there it was.

Luna and Lyra watched as Shovel Face carefully examined it. “You know,” he said, not looking away from the now-storied instrument, “I used to hate shovels. All my relatives thought I loved them, what with my cutie mark and name, and they were always giving me these plastic shovel toys to play with. I hated it. I always wanted a model train.”

Luna and Lyra exchanged a look as Shovel Face introspected. “It’s such a stupid name, you know? Shovel Face? It doesn’t even make sense. Why couldn’t I be Steam Locomotive, or Coal Hopper, or Tinder Box, or something like that? I wanted to be a train pony. My whole life, I wanted that more than anything. That’s how I became a boilerpony, you know. Where my talent and my dreams met. And I was happy with that. I’d solved my problems, you know? Found a way to make what I thought was my destiny work with what I’d always wanted to do. I was happy. Content. Not the kind of pony who does heroics, or anything crazy like that.” He looked up at his companions.

“I don’t hate shovels anymore,” he said, finally, and he secured the battered shovel carefully and lovingly to his side with a couple of lengths of strap laying among the train debris.

“I like your name!” Lyra said as he did so, smiling a wide smile with her eyes closed.

Shovel Face and Luna exchanged a look, then laughed in unison. “I like my name too, Lyra!”

“Verily!” Luna said heartily.

. . .

“Greetings, citizens!” Luna boomed as they entered Ponyville, to no response particularly. Chocolate milk was everywhere, and here and there cotton candy clouds drifted to the ground like deflating balloons.

“Well… it… looks… less on fire than it did earlier?” Lyra offered in a glass-half-full kind of way.

“It did look very on fire earlier,” Shovel Face agreed. “Though I could not even begin to guess what happened here.”

“Discord,” Luna and Lyra said flatly, in unison.

“Discord?” Shovel Face had heard stories about the chaos creature. Legends, really. Fables. Not sure what to say about a legendary villain being so casually name-dropped, he settled for, “...This is a weird town.”

“LYRA!” a shout came from down the street. The three looked to see a cream-colored pony with a blue and pink mane glaring at them.

“Oh! Uh… h-hey Bon-Bon!”

Bon-Bon charged.

“W-wait, wait, wait! I can explain…!”

Lyra was interrupted when Bon-Bon tackled her at full speed with a powerful hug. There were tears in her eyes.

“Lyra, Lyra! I’m so glad you’re alright, I’ve been so worried!”

“Bon-Bon, I never meant to leave you behind-”

“Never do it again. Never.”

Luna looked at Shovel Face. She took a couple of awkward steps sideways from the increasingly snuggly ponies. “Perhaps we had best move on and find my sister, and your fellow train ponies.”

Shovel Face nodded. As the two walked away, he could hear Lyra saying, maybe just a tad pridefully, “...So I’m apparently a hero of the realm now or something.” Shovel Face rolled his eyes at Luna, who giggled.

Giggled! Her royal highness giggled! No, she was definitely not what he had ever expected her to be.

It wasn’t long before they spotted a crowd of ponies milling about, as if the ponies were staying together for lack of knowing where else to go. Among them was Iron Horse and Flat Cap. Gummy the alligator was lounging on Flat Cap’s back.

“Shovel Face!” Iron Horse said, waving him over. Shovel Face swerved through the crowd. “Well, Shovel, we’re all here! Though, I mean… now what? We haven’t exactly got a place to put all of these nice passengers up, have we?” he waved a forehoof over the devastation for emphasis.

Shovel Face hoofbumped his engineer, “Glad to see you all made it okay! Don’t worry, Iron, the hard part’s over, now we can figure out the rest!”

Luna waved goodbye to the train ponies as Shovel Face began laying out a plan, and continued on, looking for her sister.

After coming across several Ponyville residents she had met during the last Nightmare Night and exchanging pleasantries with them, she heard something.

“...Luna…”

It was coming from the shadowy alley between those two houses! How spooky!

“Luna…” it said again.

Luna approached the shadowy spooky voice confidently, because shadowy spooky voices are just not something on your List of Scary Things when you are a moon goddess. “Stand and deliver, shadowy spooky voice!” Luna cried out.

Just barely emerging from the shadows was... a monster! Luna shrieked!

The shadowy spooky voiced monster growled. “I can’t look that bad, can I?” murmured the monster.

“Hold, fiend!” Luna held up her hoof. “What matter of beast or demon be thou?!”

The shadowy spooky voiced monster blinked. “Luna. Quit it. It’s me.”

Luna squinted. “C-Celestia…? But nay, it cannot be you, for Celestia is a pretty, pretty princess with pretty flowers for hair and a sparkly, shiny coat! You must be some kind of…” Luna gasped. “SHADOW CELESTIA!” she put her hoof to her forehead dramatically, unable to completely hide her grin.

Celestia narrowed her eyes at Luna, frowning deeply. Her mane drooped like wilted lettuce, soaked with chocolate milk and sticky with cotton candy. Her coat was stained brown, and also starting to smell a little bit, and she had lost one of her gold horseshoes. The makeup that she pretended she didn’t wear because pretty pretty princess don’t have to wear makeup but she totally wore makeup was running down her face, and she had bits of twigs and dirt everywhere from what the wind had kicked up during the chocolate milkicane. She shrank back into the shadows, noticing that they were starting to attract attention from the other ponies nearby. “I have not had a good evening, nor an especially rewarding morning. Be a dear, would you?” Celestia said, her voice dripping with honey and venom, “Fetch me a raincloud? Quickly?”

Luna set off to help her sister, quickly… but not too quickly.

Author's Note

Thank you all so much.

Epilogue

Princess Celestia greeted her guards, who stood at attention outside her private chambers, rigid and unflinching.

"Good evening Rough, good evening Tumble," Celestia greeted. She made it a point to know the names of all of her guards. After all, it made sense to know at least a little about the ponies into whom you placed your trust and your well-being.

Rough and Tumble said nothing, but bowed their heads slightly in unison.

And these are the "fun" guards, Celestia thought with a wry grin. It was true that in general the Day Guard were not a particularly... conversational bunch, and it was also true that Rough and Tumble were as unorthodox as it got. Why... Tumble wore his mane a quarter inch longer than regulation! And Rough had only polished his armor twice today, instead of the requisite three times! What absolute rogues!

But it didn't matter how stiff the guards were, Celestia was happy to see them again. She was happy to be back in Canterlot again, she was happy to return to her castle, and she would be especially delighted to see her beloved bed once more.

She had spent a week personally overseeing Ponyville's rebuilding efforts, and while Twilight's accommodations had been generous and comfortable (and, of course, neurotically attentive to her every need), there was simply no place like home.

That "home" was a luxurious castle containing the single fluffiest bed in the land did not hurt, she supposed.

After a week of personal oversight, it became clear to Celestia that expert organizer Twilight Sparkle had everything well in hand in the rebuilding effort, and when Twilight had suggested that she could return to Canterlot, she had offered only the weakest argument, a return in all honesty sounding quite enticing to her.

Unfortunately, before she could return to Canterlot, she had had to attend to a small diplomatic embarrassment near the border of the Griffon Kingdoms, which delayed her return by a further week.

My, but it was good to finally be back.

"Well... good evening, then, gentlecolts!" Celestia bade her guard friends, patting Rough on the head with a hoof (he did not move a hair), and then she opened the impressively large doors to her personal chambers.

And there it was.

Her bed.

Closing the door swiftly behind her, she abandoned all pretense of composure and took a running leap into the bed, bouncing satisfyingly on its perfect, fluffy surface.

"I've missed you," she whispered to her blankets.

She took a few minutes to just lie there on the covers, soaking the comfort in, before she moved the blankets aside, sank into her bed, and snuggled the covers around her in delight.

Such comfort. Such perfect comfort.

This was bliss. This was heaven. Nothing could ruin this moment. Nothing.

Celestia closed her eyes and sighed contentedly, a happy smile on her face.

Then, a gout of green flame flared above her face, one of Twilight’s letters suspended.

“Buh- oh no, NO! Come on!”

Thwap. The rolled piece of parchment fell on her face.

"Twilight Sparkle," she said to the empty room, the roll of parchment balanced over her eyes, "You have got the worst timing."

Letter still on her face, and hooves wrapped over the top of her blanket on either side of her head, Celestia pondered whether to read the letter now, or let it wait until morning. It probably wasn't an emergency. Probably.

Celestia sighed. After the last couple of weeks she had had, she was not going to let absolutely anypony stand in the way of her much-deserved night of sweet dreams.

...Save for a very, very few ponies. And Twilight Sparkle was on that list. Using her magic, Celestia picked the letter up off of her face and pulled down her covers. Adjusting herself to a sitting position, she lit a candle and unrolled the letter, ready to see what was happening in the world of Twilight Sparkle.

Dear Princess Celestia,

There is a theory that certain stimuli can become associated with memories and, by extension, emotions, and nearly every time Celestia had read one of Twilight’s friendship letters was a happy memory.

Celestia found herself smiling every time she read that line. Through Twilight’s letters, Celestia had watched her favorite pupil grow and learn, and there was a sort of pride that welled up inside as her student became her own mare.

Celestia had reflected on this over the years. She had always known that Twilight looked up to her, but Celestia had never wanted to be a mother figure for Twilight. Twilight had a mother, and Celestia did not wish to replace her in Twilight’s mind. So she had tried to keep herself somewhat distant and aloof, much as she had done with nearly everypony for the last thousand years or more. In spite of her well-practiced efforts, however, Celestia had found herself growing very fond of her student over the years, and while Twilight thought of Celestia as her beloved mentor (a welcome change from the type of worship, respect, or even fear that Celestia was used to receiving from other ponies), it had become increasingly clear to Celestia that she saw Twilight as something more.

There were a thousand reasons Celestia would never have a family, other than her sister. They all made good sense. She was immortal, for one. She had numerous responsibilities as a ruler and as a sun goddess that had to take priority. She did not even know if it was possible for her to have children. And if she did… would they be immortal? And even if they were, could she bring another such powerful being into the world? There were always risks to such things, and Celestia considered every consequence and took her responsibilities terribly seriously. She had come to terms with all of this long ago. So very, very long ago.

Or so she had thought. Until she had met little Twilight Sparkle, the daughter she had always told herself she would never have. It wasn’t fair to any of them for her to think of Twilight this way, Celestia had told herself, not fair to Twilight, not fair to her mother, and not fair to Celestia herself, but, for once, Celestia found that she could not help it.

And so she kept Twilight at a “safe” length. Student and mentor. Attempts at formal stiffness, that often broke down into informal warmth. She had sent Twilight to Ponyville partly to distance her… and then what had happened? That little student of hers had saved Luna, something Celestia herself had failed to do. After a thousand years of loneliness, Twilight had brought her sister back to her.

Twilight Sparkle was the most important pony in the world to Celestia, and “Dear Princess Celestia,” was the beginning of every thread connecting the Princess to her student. So she smiled as she read it. Yes, she decided, she most certainly did have time for this letter.

Dear Princess Celestia,

Trixie is a big, dumb jerk.

Spike! Cross that off! Wait, why are you still writing? Don’t write that! Don’t write me telling you not to write! Spike!

My apologies, Princess. Trixie is not a big, dumb jerk. She’s actually very nice once you get to know her.

Yeah, or once she gives you a cup of her potion!

Spike!

Celestia laughed. It was not her public laugh. The one she always laughed. The practiced laugh. This was an honest, heartfelt laugh that built on itself and made her laugh even harder. Oh, these two were priceless!

I’m sorry again, Princess. Spike is still a little mad at Trixie about the whole potion thing.

You think?

Spike! Did you write something else down? No? Well, good then.

I’m writing to report the status of our rebuilding project after my… um… after Cauldron Club.

I told her it was a bad idea, Princess.

Firstly, let me say that we have cleaned up the cotton candy residue and chocolate milk runoff. Everything was sticky. Everything, everywhere. The smell, as you know, was overpowering and awful, and only got worse as the days wore on after you left.

Celestia shuddered.

Clothespin stocks ran dangerously low, but we had enough to get by. Thanks to a big thunderstorm organized by Rainbow Dash, the smell has been almost completely washed away now.

The buildings are being fixed at lightning speed, thanks to some surprise help from the Apple family, who came into town earlier this week in droves. Applejack’s family are all hard-working, motivated, well-organized, and nice! It’s almost a party at times!

That made Celestia think of barn raisings. Modern ponies, especially those from the cities, were often surprised by them, she had observed. Modern city ponies typically thought of it as manual labor, or hard work, but there had been a time when a barn raising was the height of a social event: food, dancing, seeing ponies not seen for some time, many hands making light work, and trading off with friends or family members when you weren’t up to working anymore. It was likely this type of activity that was the origin of Ponyville’s Winter Wrap-Up, in which all of the ponies of the town worked together to help bring in spring. In times long past, it would be unthinkable for royalty to visit a small town for anything less than a barn raising, and so Celestia had attended quite a few in her time. Really, they were more like fairs than they were like construction sites. Celestia was rather happy to see that the Apples, at least, had kept that tradition alive.

She read on.

I hope it wasn’t unorthodox, but I sent a letter to the School For Gifted Unicorns, asking if it would be alright if Carrot Top could receive some help from the counselor there. I know she’s not a full psychiatric doctor, but I’ve read her work on unicorn and pegasus envy, and she certainly is, in my opinion, one of the foremost experts in that field, and the perfect one to help my friend. You don’t mind, do you? I mean, I know you’re technically the headmistress, and it’s really your call, but…

Well, no Spike, I’m sure she doesn’t mind either- wait why are you writng that? Don’t write that! Cross that off!

I told her you probably wouldn’t mind, but she won’t listen to me.

Spike, what are you writing now? Don’t write until I’m dictating!

ThePparty went off spectacularly, by the way. Yes, that’s a capital “P.” Put a capital “P,” Spike. I really wish you could have made it! Pinkie Pie says she would be “happy-dappy” to schedule a “The Party 2: The Sequel” for when you can make it, if you want. I was a little worried that the decision to combine “the bear beach party” (I made the swimming potions this time, and carefully labelled them), Lyra and that train pony Shovel Face’s “train heroes party,” Derpy’s “firefightin’ hero party,” and Discord’s “we guess you’re all right after all (mostly) party,” might have been too much even for Pinkie Pie’s skills, but I am both happy and slightly terrified to say that I have vastly underestimated even her party-planning abilities. I suspect that this party set several party-based records, and my research so far corroborates this. We also broke every single noise ordinance on the books, but I was unable to bring this up to the mayor, as she was too busy dancing on tables with Berry Punch to listen.

Celestia laughed at that; her favorite, real, heartfelt laugh again. She was already considering how to order her upcoming schedule to allow her time to attend “The Party 2: The Sequel.”

I saw Luna dancing like a madmare with Shovel Face the train pony at The Party, but don’t worry, she didn’t do anything too “out there” this time. Well, I mean… for her. I have never seen dance moves quite like that, though. Very… um… loony? And the howling? That was weird. Anyway, I kept an eye on her for you! She’ll probably be back in Canterlot with you by tonight anyway, so I’m sure it’ll be fine!

Celestia rolled her eyes. Really, Luna, she thought. Honestly!

Rarity and the four mutated crabs have been working with Applejack and Big Macintosh at Sweet Apple Acres to get one of the fallow fields ready for a new field of zap apple trees. I offered to create a potion to return the crabs to normal, but they passed. They seem happy enough to be giant, mutated crabs, and they’re helpful and friendly enough. Iron Horse and Shovel Face offered to give them a ride to the ocean when they’re finished helping around here, now that they’ve been promoted to running the Friendship Express Transcontinental.

The zap apple harvest is going to be poor this year, but thanks to all the help, they’ll have a bumper crop if they can pull through to next year, and I know the whole town is ready to help them do just that!

Discord seems to be… well… for lack of a better word, behaved. Despite being one of the guests of honor at The Party, I was surprised to see he spent most of his time sharing tea and sandwiches with Fluttershy, Angel Bunny, and some pelican, away from the noise and bustle. It was almost… peaceful? I will keep a watchful eye on him, though, you can rely on that.

No, Spike, I don’t think it’s because you “beat him up so bad.” Hey, cross that off!

Cheerilee has been extra busy at the schoolhouse with keeping the fillies and colts focused on her lessons, despite all of the distractions in town around them. And an abortive attempt at “Cutie Mark Crusaders Construction Workers” did not help classroom discipline at all. But Cheerilee is the best at what she does, and the foals are back to learning. As it should be!

Celestia remembered Cheerilee headbutting Fluttershy. She had no doubt that the teacher had the fortitude to survive whatever the foals of Ponyville could throw her way. Though, hopefully, few headbutts would be required.

I was also surprised when Rainbow Dash, of all ponies, approached me about publishing a paper suggesting Aviatrix’s long-standing equations on aerodynamics be modified with the addition of a variable value for fluid medium compressibility, as she reports that in the trans- and supersonic states (being one of the few ponies to achieve these speeds), the airflow medium does indeed become variably compressible.

“Buh?” said Celestia, scratching her head with her hoof.

Twilight is trying to say that Rainbow Dash did a smart math thing, and that that was really weird.

“Ohhhhh...” Celestia said to the empty room. “That is really weird.”

Now, I’ll have to write it (obviously, I mean… it’s still Rainbow Dash we're talking about here), but I’ll give her first writer’s credit. I’m surprised and delighted that at least some of my book got itself stuck in that head of hers. Her findings are cutting edge and her insight is unique. It is a good day for science!

I will take your word for that, Twilight, thought Celestia.

Lyra and Bon-Bon are off on a tour of Equestria, leaving today. I’m glad for them, it sounds like a wonderful trip, and they’ve earned it. Though I am a little worried that Lyra might find too many distractions out there. Ah well, at least Bon-Bon will be there to keep her hooves on the ground. I hear that part of the reason for the trip is that Bon-Bon’s candy is getting to be quite popular around Equestria, and she might be looking to open a second shop, if she can find the right location. That mare has got a smart head for business on her shoulders. I predict success.

And, I learned something today.

I’m sorry to turn this into a friendship report, but, well…

I learned that who a pony wants to be is not necessarily who she is. Trixie has certainly been, at times, a liar and a braggart, as well as petty and jealous, and while I believe that those traits are a part of who she is, they are not all of who she is. In other words, there is more to her than meets the eye. I have come to learn that, while it is friendship that Trixie has been missing in her life, she also doesn’t know anything about making friends in the first place. She’s a lot like I was in that way, actually, before you sent me to Ponyville.

And, like Zecora, she was judged for who she appears to be, rather than who she is on the inside. Zecora has not yet forgiven Trixie, and I can certainly understand that, but I believe that, eventually, she will, and it will be a healing moment for the both of them.

For now, Trixie is leaving us. I told her she could stay, I tried to convince her that we would all forgive her, but her mind is made up. This might even be for the best, honestly. She intends to travel far from Ponyville, to someplace where nopony will know her. Where her… unfortunate reputation will not precede her, and where she can try to make friends with a clean slate, without all the… baggage she has to worry about in Ponyville. I hope she finds what she’s looking for out there. I’ve tried to tell her everything I know about making friends and moving to a new place, and I told her that if she ever needs any help to just send me a letter.

(Princess? I don’t really think Trixie is a big dumb jerk, I’m sorry I wrote that earlier.)

I’ve been spending a lot of time with Zecora lately, as well. I want her to know that I don’t hold her responsible for her actions while under the influence of Trixie’s potion, and I want her to know that she is still a valuable friend to all of us. I can understand her anger and embarrassment, and I can understand why she blames Trixie, but I’ve been gently trying to remind her that it was her suspicions of Trixie, all of our suspicions, really, that made Trixie feel like she needed to make such a potion in the first place. That said, She’s also started to cheer up in the last week or so. She definitely took her ensorcellment harder than any of the others did, so it is good to see her smiling and laughing again. I still haven’t got her to say “orange.” Zecora is better at potions than I am, and so she has been invaluable during our rebuilding process, as she was the one who created a potion capable of removing Discord’s cotton candy residue from most surfaces, allowing us to wash it away with Rainbow Dash's storm.

What? Applejack? What are you doing here? Spike, don’t write that.

Howdy, princess, Ah heard Twilight dictatin’ her letter here and couldn’t resist another chance ta say-

Spike, why are you writing what Applejack is saying? Cross that off! I’m the one dictating here! No, don’t write that, either! This is a letter to the princess, Spike! Take it seriously?!

Ah jest had ta take the opportunity ta say one more time: “Ah was right all along!”

Applejack, get outta here! Spike don’t write that! ...What are you- get down from there! You better not be thinking about sending this letter mister! We have got SO many corrections to do now!

Wait… why am I still writing all of this? Uh… signed Twilight or whatever, yeah.

Celestia laughed. She could just imagine Twilight’s face after Spike sent the letter! And she could hear Applejack’s hearty country laugh. She had no doubt that she would be receiving an apology letter and an annotated and corrected copy of the original letter sometime in the near future. As always, she looked forward to receiving it.

Celestia was startled by her door being slammed open. She looked up to see a panting Luna framed by the enormous doorway.

“Ah! Luna! You’re back, how wonderful! And how was your flight-” Celestia began, before Luna interrupted.

“Sister!” she said, eyes wide, her breath ragged, “Look at what I have found posted all over the city!” Luna levitated a slightly torn flyer in front of Celestia’s face.

Shining Armor's Forbidden Lore Club!

Hello friends! Do you have an interest in FORBIDDEN LORE?
Always wanted to explore that “NO ENTRY” part of the library?
Looking for friends who share your interests?
Or just looking to get out of the house Thursday nights?
Come by for Shining Armor's Forbidden Lore Club, Thursdays at the castle library! I found the keys to the library’s FORBIDDEN ROOMS in a closet; so I made all these flyers! Please, bring your own candles! It'll be an exciting, mysterious adventure into the unknown!
Looking forward to meeting you!

Celestia’s mouth dropped open. She met Luna’s wide-eyed gaze with her own. From somewhere, they heard an ominous, low rumble.

Luna gritted her teeth, “What is wrong with that family?”

The Beginning, and Also the End

Twilight Sparkle's Cauldron Club!

Hello friends! Do you have an interest in alchemy?
Brew your own potions at home?
Looking for friends who share your interests?
Or just looking to get out of the house Thursday nights?
Come by for Twilight Sparkle's Cauldron Club, Thursdays at the library!
Snacks and drinks are free, but please bring your own cauldron!
It will be a friendly, casual, and fun atmosphere!
Looking forward to meeting you!

So read the flyer that Twilight had been putting up all over Ponyville, and was now levitating in front of Applejack, who regarded the paper with peering, narrowed eyes as if she were uneasy about what she was reading.

"Twi'."

"Yes, Applejack? What do you think about my idea?!" Twilight said, smiling brightly, her cheerful expression positively full of energy.

"Ah'm afraid it ain't fer me, sugarcube."

Twilight's face fell slightly, "Oh? I thought for sure with all of your family recipies this would be right up your alley. Cooking is a kind of alchemy, after all!"

"Twi'. Mah experience with potions and such can be pretty well summed up as 'not too good.'"

"Really?"

"Y'all might recall last Hearts 'n' Hooves Day? When mah sister and her friends gave mah brother a love potion so's he'd fall in love with the teacher?"

"I... do seem to recall," Twilight smiled nervously. Visions of demolished doors, houses being dragged, and angry, angry faces danced in Twilight's mind.

"Turns out it's a lot of work to repair that much property damage, Twi'. Ah still cain't quite figure where those fillies ever got that book from," Applejack deadpanned, giving Twilight a meaningful eye.

"Ah ha ha! Eh heh..." Twilight laughed nervously, glancing anywhere but Applejack's silently accusing eyes. "Well, I'd better be off, then! Lots of flyers to put up."

"Twi'," Applejack called as Twilight started to leave.

"Hmm?" Twilight turned back to Applejack.

"One-a those potions darn near destroyed half the town. And now yer startin' a club for makin' Celestia knows how many and what kind. Are you sure this is a good idea, sugarcube?"

"Oh don't worry, Applejack! It's all under control!"

. . .

Spike was, in Twilight's best ability to guess (and she was very good at estimations) about 50 meters tall. She regarded him impassively as he knocked over town hall, roaring.

After all, at least he wasn't on fire, like the train was (and there was no way they were going to catch that before it got to Canterlot, no ma'am). She sighed. Trixie's wagon was suddenly knocked over by another errant blast of Carrot Top's super-magic (earth ponies, it seemed, were pretty bad at being unicorns once the mutations took hold). The fireworks in the wagon shot off, sending it shooting out over the Everfree Forest, where it exploded.

Celestia landed quietly next to Twilight, and the two regarded the chaos for a few moments in silence.

"Twilight."

"Yes, Princess."

"Are those...?"

"Bears, yes."

"But... then why..."

"Well, as you can see the bears are now also sharks."

"So it would seem."

A moment of silence passed. Berry Punch staggered up to them, then promptly vomited with force all over Celestia's hooves. The vomit moaned incoherently, then changed color from brown to green. Berry passed out on the ground, snoring loudly.

"'Cauldron Club?'" Celestia raised an eyebrow, taking a nonchalant step back and trying to look casual as she wiped her hooves in the grass.

"It... seemed like a good idea at the time."

Discord suddenly appeared next to them. "Well I got your page you old nag, what... did... you... need... me... for?" his sentence kind of ground to a halt when he noticed what was going on around him.

Derpy frantically tried to put out some of the fires with a lightning cloud, starting several more in the process.

Discord, his eyes locked on the panorama before him, and his mouth hanging open, began a slow clap. "There are no words," he said, his eyes unwavering and now brimming with tears.

Tank the tortoise swooped out of the sky on his magical propeller, pulling Opal the cat dramatically from a mud puddle. It was quite dashing.

Luna landed on the other side of Twilight. After a moment of observation: "Art those... ninjas?"

"Technically, they're Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie, but they won't remember that for a number of hours," Twilight intoned emotionlessly.

"Ah."

Applejack, Big Macintosh, Granny Smith, and the Cutie Mark Crusaders came up behind them.

"So, uh, Twi'... do y'all... need any help with this?"

"Nah. We got it."

"Yer sure?"

"Yeah. Besides, if you get too close, you might see the want-it-need-it spell that Trixie drank. And that is already not a very pretty situation."

Applejack looked out over Ponyville, and in the distance made out a pale blue dot clinging for dear life to the top of a flagpole, with dozens of ponies (and no less than fifteen of Fluttershy's animals) frantically surrounding it, struggling to reach that blue dot, which alternated screaming its own name with screaming for help.

"Yeah. She seems like she's doin' fine on her own."

Sweetie Belle spoke up, "Looks like Rarity beat the giant crabs. Why were there so many, anyway?"

Apple Bloom shrugged, "We ain't even anywhere near the ocean. Guess they were on vacation."

Scootaloo sighed. "My flight potion didn't work."

Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle patted their friend on the back sympathetically. "Aww, don't say that!" Sweetie said.

"Yeah! It worked fine on Gummy!" Apple Bloom said encouragingly.

At that precise moment, a toothless alligator fell out of the sky, gums-first, and landed with a slurping suction noise straight up on top of Luna's head, just behind her horn.

Twilight decided after several seconds to break the silence that followed Gummy's entrance. "All right, so... uh... let me start at the beginning."

Nothin' Lasts Forever, and We Both Know Hearts Can Change, and it's Hard to Hold a Candle in the Cold Chocolate Milk Rain

Outside, the sky began to turn pink as massive formations of inexplicable cotton candy clouds began to form and merge together.

Inside, however, there was mostly running and screaming and rhyming, and quite a bit of the word "Trixie," spoken by both involved parties.

"Leave Trixie alone, you rhyming psycho!"

"Playing hard to get? Stop your teasing, Trixie, my pet!"

And so on, in circles around and around the room.

Trixie had been running an awful lot tonight, and, despite the brief, nightmare-tortured nap, had not had very much chance at all to rest. She was physically, mentally, and magically exhausted.

Zecora, in contrast, was driven onward by the fanatical zeal of desire, and seemed tireless.

So, in that sense, it was surprising that Trixie was able to run for as long as she did.

Of course, it was also not surprising at all when her weary hooves finally tripped themselves up, and she fell over.

Trixie could see Zecora approaching, looking as much like a lion as a zebra. She backed herself up, scooting herself as far away from the crazed striped stalker as possible, until her back was up against a wall.

Zecora leaned over Trixie, putting her forehooves against the wall, on either side of Trixie’s head, and leaning in close, smiling insanely.

That was when Twilight returned. The door opened. The purple unicorn stood, framed by the doorway, taking in the sight before her eyes. Trixie’s heart soared! She was saved! Then, her heart plummeted. She was saved… by Twilight Sparkle. Of course.

“Zecora?! How did you- GET AWAY FROM HER!” Twilight’s horn lit up, preparing for action.

Reacting with astounding quickness, the zebra turned, produced a small vial from inside her mane, and threw it to the ground. There was a bright flash, and hazy smoke filled the air.

Twilight coughed. “Where,” cough cough, “Where did she-” and then Zecora had Twilight in a tight chokehold. Twilight struggled, and lit her horn up again to get the zebra off of her.

THWACK! Zecora swatted Twilight’s horn with a hoof quickly. The glow disappeared.

“OW! MMMF!” Twilight said. It felt exactly like when she had shut her horn in the door once. “OWWW!” she said again.

Trixie gaped. Well. This was not going well at all.

“Stealing my Trixie, you bad, bad Twilight?” Zecora whispered, threateningly. “I think it is time for you to say goodnight.”

Twilight’s eyes widened. “Wait, Zecora! Don’t!” Twilight said, starting to turn a little bit more purple than usual.

Trixie knew she had to act fast. But what to do?! Trixie’s eyes searched the room desperately for inspiration. Books? No. Cape? No. Desk? No. Table full of alchemical supplies? N- ...hmm.

“Trixie belongs to Zecora, you purple rat! I’ll make sure you never forget that!” Twilight tried to push the zebra off of her, but couldn’t break the headlock. She tried to make her magic work through the throbbing pain in her horn, but it wouldn’t come. She couldn’t breathe. Had it really been only a few hours ago that the three of them had been in this same room, exchanging gifts, and having tea and cookies? A tear rolled down Twilight's cheek.

“Zecowwa!” Trixie said, loudly. Both Zecora and Twilight looked up to see Trixie, now standing and facing them. Though she had spoken with confidence, her voice sounded... odd. And her cheeks were slightly bulged out.

"Zecowwa! Weweaf Twiwigh vis insfant!"

Zecora cocked her head to the side in unvoiced confusion, and replied "I cannot release this one, Trixie! She poisons your mind my love, don't you see?"

"Twiffie is not in wuv wiv Twiwigh Spuckle!" Trixie garbled, stamping her hoof.

"What have you got in your mouth, Trixie?" Twilight would have asked, if she could still speak. Her vision was getting hazy.

"I-iz onwee you, Zecowwa! I wuv you!" Trixie garble-stammered, blushing profusely.

Zecora's face lit up, but she did not release her prey. "Trixie, my dear, can it be?! This rat has not kept you from me?"

"Weweaf Twiwigh wight now, Zecowwa! Wewease her, and kiff me!" Trixie said, throwing her forehooves open invitingly.

Zecora was suspicious. "Come over here, and kiss me first. If you were to deceive me, it would be the worst." And she tightened her grip slightly.

Trixie frowned slightly around the bulges in her cheeks, but approached Zecora. Her face morphed into a look of nervous apprehension, tinged with determination as she walked closer. Zecora licked her lips. Trixie sighed through her nose, rolled her eyes, shrugged, and then threw her forehooves around Zecora's neck and kissed the zebra deeply on the mouth.

Zecora released Twilight. Twilight sucked in a glorious breath of oxygen, coughing a little.

When zebra and magician broke their kiss, both locked eyes. Then, after a moment, both coughed and spit.

“Potion in your mouth?” rasped Twilight Sparkle to Trixie.

Trixie nodded, grimacing, and then spitting some more.

Zecora blinked, and shook her head, more than a little disoriented. Sense had come back to her just a little bit too quickly, and her mind was still catching up to itself. She looked at her former paramour, and remembered everything. She looked at her dear friend Twilight, who she had moments ago nearly strangled.

“Twilight I…” Zecora said. “I…” she didn’t know what to say. What did one say to a friend one had just nearly strangled to death? Her face burned with embarrassment, her eyes were wide with horror as the realization of the things that she had been doing all night finally struck her. “Twilight… and Trixie, too… I…”

Then, wordlessly, hot tears in the zebra’s eyes, she ran upstairs and found a door to close behind her.

Twilight was rattled, as she had never seen Zecora cry before. Also, she had rather recently nearly died, which frankly did not help her mental state much.

“Well… that didn’t rhyme.” Trixie observed, perhaps a little callously. Trixie never knew what to do or say when somepony was sad. It made her seem a little cruel at times.

Twilight struggled with whether to be mad with Trixie over her insensitivity, or grateful to her for saving her life.

Twilight sighed. It had been a long night. She was tired. “...We’d better give her a little time,” Twilight decided, her voice sore. “But you and her will have to talk. Later. But for now...” Twilight shrugged, and went over to the window. Overhead, the cotton candy clouds had merged into a swirling maelstrom. It was shaping up to be quite a storm. In the far distance, under Discord’s improbable storm front, dawn was just showing signs of breaking, the black sky turning purple, and the horizon showing the faintest light. It was a beautiful, if surreal, backdrop for a scene of finally settling chaos. “For now…” Twilight patted the ground next to her with her hoof. “Come watch the rain with me, Trixie.”

And, silently, Trixie sat next to Twilight Sparkle, and watched the rain begin to fall.

. . .

“Uh oh,” said Applejack. “I know those clouds...” the storm was forming above them with alarming quickness. It was shaping up to be a real big one.

“Ooo! Ooo! Ooo!” Pinkie Pie said, bouncing up and down excitedly when she spotted the familiar pink clouds.

“We’d better find some shelter, quick,” said Cheerilee.

Celestia looked up, her head cocked in curiousity. “They are odd clouds indeed, but why are we so concerned? Surely, a little rain would not be the worst thing?”

As Celestia voiced her query, Fluttershy, Bon-Bon, Cheerilee, Big Mac, Carrot Top, Derpy, the CMC, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash found shelter under an overturned fruit cart. It was... crowded. Big Mac "wound up" being next to Cheerilee, and he perhaps leaned her way a little more than was necessary, as if to maximize the contact. Subtle, Mac. Real subtle.

Applejack called back, “Not the worst thing, no, but…”

As Applejack spoke, the sky opened, and Celestia was instantly drenched in chocolate milk rain. Her face simultaneously bore a look of surprise, disgust, confusion, and exasperation.

“...But it ain’t normal rain,” Applejack continued. “D'ya know what chocolate milk smells like if ya can’t get it out of yer coat?”

Celestia’s mane and tail seemed less ethereal when they were plastered wet with chocolate milk. Her eye twitched.

Pinkie Pie had not moved, but rather had elected to turn her head up to the sky and leave her mouth open.

. . .

“I think that’s the last tree, Miss Rarity,” said the blue crab, wiping where his forehead would be if he possessed anything like a pony’s physiology, as if he were wiping sweat from his brow, as if he could sweat… okay look, let me put it this way: he “wiped” “sweat” from his “brow,” thus indicating satisfying exhaustion after good, hard work. Does… does that work? We good? Good. The blue crab did that. He had been busily replanting the zap apple trees that were in the best surviving shape. Basically, anything that wasn’t splinters; anything that hadn’t been shredded.

“Excellent job, Bluey! Hmm,” Rarity put a hoof to her chin daintily in thought, “Bluey… hmm… not much of a name, is it? Perhaps I should name the four of you after my four most favorite Neightalian fashion designers…”

“Hey, I totally filled in the hole over here, dudes!” the orange crab called to Rarity from where there had once been a crater.

“Oh, that is wonderful, dear! I am so glad I was able to teach you all some manners after all. Why, you are really all quite lovely crabs once you learn some civility!”

“Thanks, Miss Rarity!” the four crabs said in unison.

“Hmm… that sky looks rather… unsettlingly familiar,” Rarity said, looking up with a small frown on her face. “I daresay… if those are Discord’s chocolate milk rainclouds again I… well! My mane and coat will be simply ruined!” She shuddered.

“You can hide under me, boss,” the red crab said, gruffly. He had a tough shell, but he was all gooey on the inside. Metaphorically speaking. Well, and literally speaking, I suppose.

Rarity gave the tough red crab a heart-meltingly warm smile, “Why, thank you! What a gentlecrab you are!”

The red crab was unable to blush, but he “blushed.” “Whatever,” he said, unable to completely hide the “smile” from his voice.

. . .

Berry Punch and Granny Smith had each awoken to find that they had been left alone on the hilltop. That left them only one recourse.

Checkers.

“Watch her, Berry, she’s wily!” whispered Cidery the talking cider.

Berry rolled her eyes and moved her third piece out into the no-pony’s land between the black and red sides.

Granny, in contrast, played conservatively, her movements hugging the side of play or moving up from the back. Waiting for her drunken opponent to make a mistake. Waiting to strike.

“Hhhhhhhhuuuuuuuhhhhh. Whydon’t y’just MOVE WHUR I c’n JUMP YOU already!” Berry “communicated” in frustration.

Granny smiled a cool smile. The smile of a seasoned checkers shark. Berry was going to be easy prey.

“Shut up, Cidery!” Berry said to nopony. Granny rolled her eyes. Honestly, the kids these days.

“Your move.”

Berry put a hoof to very nearly her chin in very nearly deep thought. Removing her hoof from her ear, Berry reached out and moved one of her center pieces. It was a bold move, forcing Granny to jump her piece, which would mean Granny’s own piece would be jumped. But Granny was two moves ahead, and made use of her positioning to set up a double jump, possibly a triple jump if Berry made the worst move she could. Granny smiled. Checkers was a game of attrition, and she was a master.

“Hhhhhhhuuuuuuummmmmm…” Berry said pensively. “Ah! Of course!”

Berry made the worst move she could.

Oh, this was too easy! Granny made her triple jump, then gasped! How had she not seen… she looked up at Berry. Berry stared back, one eye half-closed, smiling evilly. “Not sho eashy as you thhhhought, ish it, Grannny?”

Berry jumped five of Granny’s pieces and kinged her piece.

“Impossible!” Granny Smith crowed in disbelief.

“Good job, Berry! Uh… where did you get that bottle, anyway? I have been right next to you literally the whole night, and… I technically am a part of you… but I never saw you…”

Berry shrugged. “Found it,” she said, taking another swig as if that adequately explained it.

“Huh?” Granny Smith said, only half-listening. She was staring at the board intently, for once in her life, afraid to make the next move.

That was when the rain hit.

“AW CRABABBAPPLES!” Berry slurred. Then, her head tilted at a listing angle, she stared at Granny Smith, who shivered in the chill of the cool pre-dawn air, soaked with chocolate milk rain.

Berry looked around and spotted Twilight’s blanket. It wasn’t much protection, but it was some. Berry grabbed that, throwing it around Granny Smith. Then, noticing that Twilight had left her telescope up here and knowing that Twilight would not want that soaked, she grabbed it with her hoof after only three tries.

“Come onn, GrenySmith. Le’s… get you home,” Berry said, dropping her bottle (!) and throwing her free hoof around the old mare.

Berry didn’t even get lost on the way. And Granny would make it through the storm without catching so much as a sniffle.

. . .

THIS trixie BUBBLE trixie IS trixie INSUFFERABLE! Mayor Mare thought in frustration. HOW trixie DARE trixie THIS trixie MAGICAL trixie MONSTROSITY trixie STAND trixie BETWEEN trixie ME trixie AND trixie MY trixie BELOVED trixie TRIXIE?!

She and her fellow would-be magician groupies continued their desperate strikes on Twilight’s magic shield. IT trixie WILL trixie BREAK trixie EVENTUALLY! the mayor thought. SHE trixie HAS trixie TO trixie LOVE trixie ME! I’M trixie AN trixie ELECTED trixie OFFICIAL!

Raindrops continued bucking her hooves against the bubble from above, distracted by her imaginary visions of when she would finally meet her heart’s desire:

“You know…” Trixie said, licking her lips. “I have always had a... thing for firefighters.”

“Do tell,” Raindrops replied, nervous with excitement, her voice unintentionally husky.

Meanwhile, Caramel’s thoughts and visions were not appropriate for any audience.

Then it began to rain. They barely noticed it at first, their single-minded pursuit would brook no distraction. But as the potion-infused chocolate milk rain rolled down their faces and into their mouths, or perhaps as they licked their lips, they started to feel… different.

THIS IS trixie ACTUALLY KIND trixie OF HARD trixie WORK and I’m trixie kind of getting… tired? the mayor thought. What will my constituents trixie think if they see me trixie doing this kind of thing? It trixie might set a… precedent. And the election trixie is only two months away! What am I ...trixie… doing?!

Raindrops’ visions adjusted themselves accordingly:

“So. You said you had a... thing for firefighters?” Raindrops said, her throat dry. She licked her lips.

“Oh! Yes!” Trixie hoofed her a painted rock, absolutely covered in glitter. “For you firefighters, I have all the autographed Trixie doorstops and shirts you could ask for!”

Raindrops stared at the thing. And stared. A frown began to form on her face.

...And Caramel’s thoughts and visions became appropriate for select audiences only.

. . .

Spike the mighty dragon was sick of this monster snake! It was time to show his dominance! He was master of his domain!

Shoving the giant draconequus back, Spike reared his head back, clenched his clawed fists, and roared at the sky!

“ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAGURGLE!” Spike roar-gurgled, chocolate milk rain hitting the back of his throat.

Discord grinned as Spike very gradually began to shrink. “So... again, next Thursday? Or are we bowling next week?”

. . .

Lyra and Shovel Face had wandered up the tracks after their car had come to a stop, following the runaway train at a leisurely walking pace. Above them, Princess Luna shot past them, a blue-black shadow against the dark pre-dawn sky.

“So, you say you broke the… thingy-” Lyra was saying, conversationally.

“Relief valve.”

“Right, because your brakes broke-”

“All of them.”

“Right, and you jumped off the train-”

“But you saved me. Thanks for that, by the way.”

“Right, and you fought a bear-”

“Bear-shark.” Shovel Face clarified.

“Right. So. Do you think the train made it all the way to Canterlot?”

“I really hope not.”

“Do you think the train blew up?” here, Lyra felt the need to sit and throw her forehooves out dramatically to visually emphasize what “blowing up” entailed. It was a terrifically helpful visual aid, were one unaware of the concept.

“I really hope not.”

“Nah, it couldn’t have… ‘cause you broke the thingy-”

“Relief valve.”

“Right.”

With a nearly silent swoosh, Princess Luna joined them, gracefully landing next to them and walking alongside without missing a step.

“Hiya, Princess!” Lyra said, elbowing the moon deity roughly in the ribs in greeting.

“Ooof!”

“Lyra!” Shovel Face said, agog.

“...What?”

“Ahem. Greetings to you as well, brave heroes!”

“Heroes? Us? Nawwww…” Lyra said.

Shovel Face didn’t say anything. He tried not to show his blush. Heroes didn’t blush. He set his jaw and looked straight ahead, eyes fixed just above the horizon, heroically.

Lyra looked askance at Luna, tilting her head slightly, as if to say, “can you believe this guy?”

Luna did not know what this gesture meant. Luna was a princess, like her sister, and so should show some decorum in the presence of national heroes. She set her jaw and looked straight ahead, eyes fixed just above the horizon, regally.

Lyra just giggled uncontrollably.

Luna and Shovel Face looked at each other, then Lyra, then back at each other and shrugged their shoulders.

“So!” Luna said. “I have journeyed on ahead, and I am pleased to report that the train did not reach Canterlot! It came to a stop not far ahead of us!”

“Great!”

“Awesome!”

“Ah, but there is yet more good news! For not only did the train come to a halt, but it is… hmm… is there a word I’ve not yet learned for ‘didn’t explode?’”

“Unexploded?” Shovel Face suggested.

“Unblownup?!” Lyra said enthusiastically.

“Very well. The train remains unblownup, and I have put out the fire by putting a shield bubble over it and suffocating it.”

“Hooray!” Lyra said.

“Nice!” Shovel Face said.

The three of them soon entered the clearing where the hunk of burned and melted metal had come to rest. There were tracks of burnt grass on either side of the tracks themselves, now reduced to smoking ash, and the vague shape of the engine could still be made out, unexploded. Unblownup.

“Lyra,” Luna said, after they had taken a moment to stare at the train in a kind of reverent silence, “You saved all of those passengers.”

“It wasn’t any-”

“It was a very big deal,” the Princess declared with firm finality. “You are a hero, and you will be rewarded. I shall see to it personally.”

“Shovel Face.” Somehow, it was… less dramatic to say that name, but Luna gave it her best shot. “I do not know what went wrong on this train, but I know that you prevented a bad situation from turning into a disastrous one. If you had not acted so bravely, Canterlot might be in flames at this very moment. You have my gratitude, and I shall see that this act is suitably remembered. I thank you both."

Shovel Face stiffly affected a formal bow.

"No big... uh... I mean... you're welcome?" Lyra said, scratching the back of her head. "Can we... go now? Bon-Bon is going to be furious at me," she continued, after a moment's pause.

"Hmm. And yet, you do seem in a powerful hurry to return, Lyra," Luna observed, smiling knowingly.

Lyra grinned. "Well, no offense, Princess, you're good company and all, and it's great being a hero of the realm or whatever, but... well... you're no Bon-Bon!"

Shovel Face looked up in utter shock. So forward! Royalty, Lyra! She. Is. Royalty! his mind said in disbelief.

But Luna threw her head back, and laughed hearty, booming laughs, throwing a hoof around Lyra's shoulders. "Then, let us to Ponyville go, compatriots! Bon-Bon awaits, and perhaps we may also see how my sister fares!" Throwing her other forehoof around a very flabbergasted Shovel Face, the three set off back in the other direction down the tracks.

Author's Note

We're nearly there, guys.

As it stands now, I'm planning the last part to be in two chapters.

Thanks to everyone who've read and stuck with me for so long!
Seriously. You guys rock, thank you so much!

This will be the first full-length story I have ever completed in my life. I finally did it. After so many years of giving up on projects, I got the monkey off my back, and actually finished something (even if it did take forever). Thanks for the encouragement along the way. Those thumbs ups and stars and comments really helped!