I seriously recommend watching the shamwow commericial and the slap chop commercial before reading this..

BASED OFF A TRUE STORY

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Vince Shlomi (the Shamwow™ guy), sat in his new home, which was a dumpster behind a Quiznos subs. Not even an extra large Shamwow could soak up all of his tears.
You see, ten months ago, rival infomercialist Anthony Sullivan got very jealous of the success Vince was having with Shamwow. Since everyone was spending there $19.99 on Shamwow's, no one had any money left to buy his product, Oxi-clean Dish washing booster. Something needed to be done. Anthony hired a cannibalistic prostitute (Lindsey Lohan) to take care of his problems. When Vince was anticipating a blow-job from Lindsey, she bit his left testical off. In retaliation Vince falcon punched Lindsey in the face three times, then called the popo. When the cops arrived they understood completely that Vince just acted in self defense. But they arrested him anyways for having such a douchebag haircut.

Vince went to jail for eight months, and Anthony Sullivan took advantage of the occasion by selling many Oxi-clean Dish washing booster's. He was going to make his father Billy Mays proud.

Vince sat in his dumpster heartbroken listening to Lady Gaga's born this way on replay. All he ever wanted to do was sell his amazing Shamwow to stupid people, was that to much to ask? Now that the word was out that he had a douche haircut, no one wanted to buy his amazing piss yellow rags. He knew what he had to do. He took out his German cocaine, Germans always make good drugs. Taking one deep breath in, he snorted two and a half pounds of the stuff! Then he prepared to pass out from overdose. He was about to go on an amazing journey. And he wasn't coming back until he sold his Shamwow's.

It had been three month's since Filly Hays tragic death, and the day that destroyed Twilight. Ever since the day Filly Hays died, Twilight fell into a deep depression and would seek comfort from New Spike and LOTS of Häagen-Dazs ice cream. Oh yeah and she also became a hooker. To get the genuine hooker look, Twilight almost did meth, but she thought of what it did to Granny Smith. Granny Smith was only 35 but meth made her lose her teeth and good skin. And Twilight didn't really have to get a prostitute alter-ego name, considering her actual name already sounded like a whore's name.
Twilight was sitting on her couch, tears welled in her eye's.

"Oh New Spike you're the only one I ever truly loved," Twilight sniffled

"What about me? *cough cough* Don't you love me?" asked a paralyzed old Spike who had been slowly dying on the floor for months

"Oh don't be silly," Twilight responded throwing a rock at Spike

Suddenly there was a knock at the door. Twilight groaned and forced her self to the door. What she saw before her was the most disturbing thing she had ever seen in her life. A thirty year old white tweaker with a douchebaggy haircut stood before her. His eyes were twitching, his nose was foaming and his arms were shaking uncontrollably. Veins popped in all parts of his body and blood spewed from his ears.

"HEY IT'S VINCE WITH SHAMWOW, YOU'LL BE SAYING WOW EVERY TIME YOU USE THIS TOWEL!" said Vince in a way only a tweaker could.

"who?" asked Owlicious, who was perched by the door

Something inside Vince popped. He lunged for the bird, punching it in the face, knocking it to the floor

"WHAT YOU SAY TO ME PUNK?!" Vince screamed raising his arm for another punch

"OK SHIT MAN! said Owlicious raising his wings to block his face "Aint no one need to get hurt!"

"That's what I thought you said," said Vince, who's jugular veins came close to popping.

He then turned his attention back to the purple unicorn who was scared for her life.

"ITS LIKE A SHAMMY, ITS LIKE A TOWEL, ITS LIKE A SPONGE!" Vince continued

Twilight suddenly remembered the "shamwow". It was the last thing she was about to purchase from Filly Hays. Her heart broke into a million pieces.

"Yeah, i'm not interested, its time for you to leave," said Twilight ushering him to the door

"WAIT!!! YOUREAYOUREAYOUREA," Vince took a deep breath. The coke was starting to get to him. "You're a prostitute right?" asked Vince

"I'm listening," replied Twilight

"You're gonna spend $20 on condoms a month anyways, you're throwin money away!

"Uh huh.."

"WELL THE SUPER ABSORBENT MINI SHAMWOW'S™ ARE FOR EVERYTHING!"

"Mmm hmmm,"

"THIS WILL LAST YOU A DAY," said Vince throwing a used condom at Twilight's face "BUT THIS WILL LAST YOU TEN WHOLE YEARS!" Vince held up the mini Shamwow. "ALL YOU NEED IS A RUBBER BAND, AND WALLA! YOU'VE GOT A MACHINE WASHABLE SUPER CONDOM!"

Twilight was almost sold when she realized the time.

"Oh shit! I gotta go! Charlie sheen hates it when his hooker's are late!"

"WAIT! SHAMWOW HO-"

Twilight cut off
"Yah yah, ShamWOW okay? now get out I gotta get ready!"

The shamwow guy was pushed outside...he had defiantly taken to much coke, for he would be peeing blood tonight

Back on earth, Anthony Sullivan took out his magical crystal soul ball that contained Billy May's immortal soul.

"LISTEN UP YOU DICK LICKING LITTLE SHIT! raged Billy through the ball "THAT QUEER VINCE HAS NEVER OUTSOLD ME, AND HE IS NOT GOING TO OUTSELL MY SON NEITHER! DO YOU UNDERSTAND?!

"But daddy....Vince is in a coma from overdose, how can he outsell me?" Anthony said in fear of the wrath of his father

"HE'S NOT IN COMA YOU ASS DIPPER! HE'S IN PONYVILLE SELLING HIS SHIT TO THE BITCH WHO GOT ME KILLED!

"But how am I to get there, Its not like big muscles can teleport me there," said Anthony flexing out

"Well a 2centimeter penis wont get you there either," said Anthony's now very annoyed father

"I may be dead but I'm still an overlord," and In one giant flash both Anthony and Billy-in-a-ball teleported to Ponyville.

Twilight Sparkle sat at he couch doing what all lonely women do, watching a lifetime original movie. She didn't have any jobs booked for the day, but that was about to change. Twilight's Sparkle's phone vibrated, she shuddered in pleasure. After a few moment's of bliss, she reached above her clitoris, and pulled her phone out of her vagina. It was a 1-800 number.

"Hello," asked Twilight answering her phone

"HI, ITS VINCE! ARE YOU AVAILABLE TONIGHT?" asked a very creepy and familiar voice

"Ummm...noooo...Its..uh, fingering night.." lied Twilight not about to give herself in to such a creep

C'mon! If you can do it with one finger, I can do it with my whole hand!

"That's cool," said Twilight about to hang up

"C'mon! you're gonna love my nut's!" said Vince

"Uh...I don't know...."

"Cmon, you're gonna be in a great mood the whole time, cause Ill be slapping your trouble's away by smackin your chops,"

"Fine but you're going to have to pay extra," said Twilight

"20.99 bit's?"

Twilight exhaled "Yeah sure hon, where are you located?"

"Canterlot Castle in room 8-D!"

"Be there in an hour," said Twilight, popping two hole's in a paper bag.

Twilight stumbled down the hallway's of the Canterlot castle. She had a theory that if she got very drunk, It would make the sexy time's with the Shamwow guy time more bearable. She was then approached by a recognizable figure.

"Twiley!" said Shinning Armor giving Twilight a giant hug

Then the alcohol took its tole, and Twiley vomited over Shinning Armor's shoulder!

"whoopsy pussy's," said twilight vomiting some more on the floor.

"That's ey-okay! said Shinning enthusiastcally "The Shamwow hold's 20x its weight in water! He then pulled out a Shamwow and started soaking up the Campbells chunky beef stew.

"Where did you get that?" asked Twilight suspiciously

"Filly Hay's and his son just sold it to me for the amazing price of 19.99!" said shinning armor excitedly

"Filly Hays!? Twilight said in shock "But I watched him die!"

"What are you smok'in little sister? Gotta run, Cadence hates it when I'm late for butthole bleaching night," and with that Shinning armor gave Twilight a wink and teleported off.

Twilight approached the shamwow guys room and knocked. She was greeted by a familiar face.
Vince was wearing a women's leopard skin robe that was two sizes to small.

Twilight winced at the horrific sight that beheld her.

"I betcha you want to lick my cock right about now," said Vince removing the robe revealing a leopard skin G-string

"Not really...." said Twilight realizing the mistake she had made

The Vince bent over into doggy position

"Stick your horn in my butt," Vince said getting incredibly wet

It was now incredibly clear to Twilight that Vince made no habits of wiping his ass. She couldn't take it anymore, she bolted to the door in hopes of escaping. She twisted and pulled the nob but it wouldn't turn. Vince was now full Al-fresco and he realized the purple whorse was trying to escape.

"Where you going babe?" asked Vince approaching Twilight with an extremely throblicous penis..

"HELP!" Twilight screamed in desperation

and help did come.

ANTHONY SULLIVAN BURST THROUGH THE ROOM AND HIT VINCE UPSIDE THE HEAD WITH A RADIO JACK.

Twilight did all she could think to do, she ran over to Anthony and gave him a hug. But Anthony still hadn't put in his side of the plan. In order to ensure Twilight only bought from him, he needed ensured commitment. He then got on to one knee.

"Twilight Sparkle the pathetic prostitute horse, will you marry me?" asked Anthony

"Oh yes!!" said Twilight hugging Anthony "It's all I ever wanted!"

And everyone lived happily ever after.

Except for Vince who died from overdose.

The End.

Author's Note

I didn't really want to post this chapter, but my pre-reader said it was good so yeah. Tell me what you guys think, should I delete this shit?