Twilight Sparkle Vs. Paintball

by Alleria Windrunner

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure
Length: 7632

With her expansive crew of former villains and wacky friends, can Twilight win an epic, god-level game of paintball? Or will she fail and be thirty bits less before the night is over? Let's find out!

With her expansive crew of former villains and wacky friends, can Twilight win an epic, god-level game of paintball? Or will she fail and be thirty bits less before the night is over? Let's find out!

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-04 15:06:05 UTC

Prologue

          It was a seemingly average night. Luna raised the moon, Celestia lowered the sun, Twilight used some of her magic to give the stars some extra sparkle, and everypony in Canterlot snuggled their snooty plots into their plush beds. Except for Queen Chrysalis, Discord, King Sombra, Nightmare Moon, Princess Cadence, Princess Luna, Princess Celestia, and Princess Twilight.

          In front of them was a giant television set with every manner of gaming equipment hooked up. But their attention was on Twilight as the lavender alicorn masterfully shaped raw magic into a cocoon around King Sombra, who yelped, "Crystals!" as his muzzle shrank, making his voice lighten in tone, almost becoming squeaky.

          A flash of magenta light encompassed the dark king, and he shrank fully, becoming the size of the average unicorn colt, albeit with a bit more muscles than most unicorn colts had to flaunt.

         "Oooh! Oooh! Do us! Do us!" Luna nearly yelled, luckily (for both the city of Canterlot and the occupants of the room she was in) managing to keep her shout below the level of The Royal Canterlot Voice. Twilight wiped her brow and began, drawing magic from her pretty much boundless mana pool and shaping it around Luna in the same way she'd done to King Sombra, who was now attempting to look levelly and see something other than the knees of the ponies around him.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

        Six pop sounds later, the group was all filly-or-colt-sized, as Celestia and Luna led them along a dusty passageway. It looked like it hadn't seen hooves or, for that matter, dusters in centuries. Twilight voiced this thought aloud, her hooves leaving marks in the inches-deep dust.

       Luna's left ear swiveled to the side as she replied to Twilight's statement. "Yes indeed, the royal paintball equipment has not been touched in close to one thousand four hundred and twenty years. And yes, we kept count while we were on the moon." No further questions or statements of fact came until the group walked in to a large chamber the size of Celestia's bedchambers times three, merged together.

      The sheer amount of colors of ammunition and custom-made paintball guns lining the wall, even paintball pistols and paintball grenades, caused jaws to drop and prompted many variations of: "Woah."

      The royal sisters led their awe-struck fellows over to a rack, on which sat freshly-dusted vests with pouches for ammunition, holsters for paintball pistols and normal-size paintball machine guns or assault paintball guns or-- you get the idea.

     With grins and vests, the six ponies, plus a changeling and a draconequus, rushed around and geared up, loaded down with ammunition and weapons. Eight spiral stairwells came down from the ceiling, touching the floor and stopping. Celestia hopped on the first stair of one, beckoning for the others to follow her on the other staircases.

     "I had these installed while Cadence was a filly, they all lead to a random place in the Canterlot Castle library or the Castle Archives. Even i don't know where they go." When Luna looked at her quizzically, she shrugged. "What? All I did was enchant the room, not summon the stairwells. The enchantment also applies to a ball of magic around the staircase, which you can shape into a customized fortress."

      She got another quizzical look. "What? I was bored. Having your favorite paintball target imprisoned in the moon stinks."

     Luna gave her a narrow glare, not unlike looking at a particularly angry beam of moonlight. "Oh it. Is. On." The lunar princess declared as she galloped the rest of the way up the stairs, jumping through her portal to attempt a head start, most likely.

     The solar princess grinned and followed suit, but not before pausing and making a note. "Chrysalis, no changeling magic. Captives are to be returned to this room where they have to wait for the timer on their vest to go off." Then she was gone.

    Moments later the room was devoid of life, except for some video screens flickering to life as they tracked the players through the massive, sixty-seven level library filled with books enchanted with elemental and arcane shields. Just in case.

The War of The Ages (Infant Stage)

Luna's Point Of View (POV in future chapters):

       I darted down the halls of the library, looking for the nearest floor directory or, better yet, a directory of the whole library. If I could find that, I could make a magical copy of it and put that in the fort I would build, if the directory was a little booklet I could just plain take it back with me. Thankfully nopony, or changeling, or draconequus, had found me yet, and I could tell that because nothing had happened on my level. No sounds of dogfights going on above my head since everypony participating except for Sombra had wings, no sounds of any paintball weapons whatsoever.

      They were probably all too busy building their forts. Mine was simple, just a hole in the wall. I kid you not, I'd taken a tapestry off the wall and drilled the wall behind it hollow, and once I had a directory I could use spells to see through the walls of the library, thus enabling me to tunnel to virtually anywhere in the library, straight through the walls.

Fools, I thought to myself. The plan I'd devised was perfect, and in five stages for supreme domination:

       1: Every hero needed a base. Thusly, I needed to build one.

       2: Using my mana pool, which hadn't been shrunken like my body by Twilight's spell, I could place special enchantments over my whole level.

       3: The copy of the library directory would allow me to keep track of my enemies' forts. All I needed to do was some scouting.

       4: Next I had to carefully scout the whole library and mark the other forts on my impromptu battle map, then sort them by threat level so I knew who to attack first.

       5: My last step to supreme domination would be to get all of my enemies down to the loading room before anypony's timer ran out, allowing them to join the game again, this time in a completely new location with a new fort.

       With just these five steps, the night would triumph! First, I just had to actually accomplish steps one and two though. That might take some work. I rounded the corner and stopped cold. There was a directory, but since I'd gone down five floors already, I'd entered a danger zone.

      At the directory stand was Twilight, who had summoned some saddlebags from somewhere and was stuffing them with directories. Resource drainage, a smart tactic. I stayed as still as I could, before with a bright pop of magenta light Twilight was gone.

    I carefully walked up and looked under the table, and there it was! She'd missed one of the two full-library directories, marked with the stairs, emergency exits, windows to the outside, other directory stands, and most importantly-for me, anyway-all the library's tapestries and where they were located.

  Nopony would stand a chance against me now.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

Celestia's POV:

       My base was built. That was a simple task, considering my magic hadn't been weakened any by the customized age spell Twilight had cast on all of us. It was rather simple, considering I'd come out right in a corner of a level. I'd just used some magic to stack two bookcases for each of the two walls I actually needed to build, creating the basic frame for my base camp.

      Then I'd used some more magic to make a catwalk spiraling around the top, along with towers where I could fire my gun from. My extra ammunition was stored in the towers, and I had placed balls of invisible magic that would send a tiny twinge to my horn to warn me of when somepony entered or exited my level.

     I had no doubt Twilight was probably panicking, so I decided to look for her and propose an alliance between the two of us. Discord and Chrysalis were wild cards, but I knew Nightmare Moon and Luna would no doubt go looking for each other and since Nightmare was dating Sombra, he'd go with.

    Cadence would probably come straight to me and Twilight, or agonize over the decision for so long the round would be over before she'd choose between the two of us. I placed one more protective charm over the door and left for the staircase, which, according to the directory I'd summoned from my bedchambers, was to the general direction of left.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

Discord's POV:

    I knew exactly what Celestia was thinking as she passed my fort, cleverly disguised(if I do say so myself)as a set of bookcases. She thought that me and Chryssy were wild cards, and Nightmare, Luna, and Sombra would be on one team and Cadence, herself, and Twilight would be the opposing team, standing in the path of evil.

   I grabbed my paintball assault rifle and aimed carefully down the zoom sights.....to see a directory in held in the grasp of her golden magic. Of course Celly would be the one to do that. I had to get a directory for myself, and what better way to instill caution-or, well, more caution than usual-into the sun princess than to steal a beneficial item?

  Slinging my assault rifle between my mismatched, beautifully chaotic wings, I took off after her, creeping as silently as I could with a goat hoof attached to me. At least the floor was carpeted and not, say, soap or tile, but soap might be fun.....nah. I already used that one too recently to use it again.

   I made a quiet "Hmm.." and Celestia whipped around faster than a coiled spring uncoiling, firing three paintballs into my fur before I could even get my rifle off my back. Giving me a satisfied smile, she moved on as I grumbled to myself and walked down the stairs that appeared next to me, back to square one: the gear room.

   There were some plush chairs and couches sprinkled around the room, so I hopped on top of a couch and reclined as I watched the ever-changing screens. I tracked Twilight  doing absolutely nothing but weave more shields and enchantments around her fort, even using a couple glyphs and aloud incantations, no doubt of protection from all regions in the arcane as well as physical force.

   Luna was using a library directory and sneaking around, marking Chrysalis's fort on her directory before moving on. As I sat, I felt lonely. If things really did go the way Celestia thought they would, I'd be alone. I allowed an evil grin to slide across my face as I snapped my paw, freeing another statue ready for a second chance from the Canterlot hedge maze.

   "Hey sis, I need your help with something...."

The War of The Ages (Toddler Stage)

         Twilight's POV:

     I sat and regulated my breathing, taking slow, calming breaths as I tried to get over what I'd just done. I'd been coming back from looting a directory stand to find that Celestia had been near my fort! In a blind panic I'd whipped out my weapon and fired, hitting her straight in the rump and knocking her down the stairs that appeared right in front of her.

    There were two things wrong with this:

    1: I'd just shot my mentor in the rump, and

    2: I'd caused her to fall down the stairs

    I hoped she was okay. But then Luna had come whipping around the corner and charged straight towards my fort, waving the image of a white flag. I raised my own and let her fly up to me on the catwalk, and we talked in hushed whispers as we watched from the towers.

   Luna dropped all pretense of the royal we way of speaking as she talked. "I wanted to find you. Well, you and your friends, which, by the way, you can summon into the game when you get out, also known as when you get shot."

   I replied in another whisper, "Really? Why there?" She turned and looked at me. "That's the gear room," she answered, putting special emphasis on those two words.

  I blushed. "Oh. Right."

  And we sat and negotiated an alliance as we watched the thirty-second floor of the library carefully.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

  Nightmare Moon's POV:

   I stalked along the edge of the fort me and Sombra had put together, immediately rallying together in an alliance. Together we'd been hunting for Luna, but so far, no cigar. She'd hidden herself really good, or she'd already made an alliance with somepony else, and depending on who that pony was, she was marked as an enemy.

  Sombra was scouting the library as a shadow while I guarded our fort, looking for Luna and any enemies along the way. He'd taken a pencil and a directory I was able to snitch from a table. I'd taken everything off that table that was useful, even things that weren't.

  But when Sombra got back, I was going to use Luna's memories and a directory to find some spellbooks with spells so advanced and complex it took a memory like a camera or the book itself to even use the spell. Maybe even find some glyph books.

   For the time being however, I saw a shadow slink its way towards the fort, sliding up the wall and meeting me. He grabbed my directory with his magic and took everything he'd marked on his directory and copied it onto mine: three enemy forts and Luna's default ball of magic, half-intangible, as if she'd started to shape it but stopped, and it was carrying traces of her magic, so he was absolutely sure.

  "Crystals," he said to me as I grabbed my map back from him and transformed into my own shimmering mist, answering him before I left, "Of course I'll be careful, silly. Guard the fort with your life and your gun."

  And I left, slithering over the wall and across the floor, following where the directory said to go as I headed towards the spellbook section.

  I didn't notice it until later, but a black flash of color peeled away from me and ran in the opposite direction as I continued down the rows of bookcases.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

  Cadence's POV:

   Chrysalis came dashing into our fort, which was a ledge high above the fiftieth level, where the levels stopped being separate floors so much as they were a ramp that spiraled upwards, labeled only by the signs along the gilded railings. As a child, I had become very familiar with this library, as it was the only place Twilight had ever wanted to go.

   Thusly, I remembered the ledge on which Shining Armor had proposed to me even better than the rest of the library, so we set up our base camp there. Chrysalis still was more than a bit apologetic about that whole fiasco, but since we'd become friends again, the holes that peppered her body and wings had disappeared, along with her horn straightening and filling out.

    She explained this as that when a changeling grew hungry, its horn grew jagged. If it allowed itself to dwell on its hunger, or started to starve, the holes appeared or grew larger. Some of the changelings had been completely swallowed by the holes growing on their bodies before the queen had been forced to set her sights on her former friend's kingdom and attack.

     I'd forgiven her, of course, and invited her to game night to calm the tension between my aunt Celestia and Chryssy. She'd admitted to me that she'd been planning on taking a few hits from Celestia, maybe two or three, to make up for beating her in the magic duel and giving her a headache, but I'd convinced her to just let what happened happen and enjoy the game.

    She zipped up to me and bounced up and down twice. "You need to get the remote ready! Nightmare's headed that way!"

    I started. Nightmare Moon, Celestia had explained to me, was my third aunt, technically, but had merged with Luna as the result of an evil spell that gave them a nasty personality and aunt Dream's form. Not nice, but it did teach the two of them a few things about magic and what spells ponies should handle with caution.

    I grabbed the remote and grinned. I'd rigged the spellbook section with a net, thinking I could scoop up Twilight and have her join our team, but aunt Dream was even better. If she refused to join, I could shoot her and send her to the gear room. Perfect.

The War of The Ages (Toddler Stage) [Part Two]

   Prechapter note: I am switching some things up. Thank you for reading.

IN CELESTIA'S BASE CAMP

     My eyes trailed through my stash. It was more important than my gun. More important than my own safety. It was, a cloud cake. For myself, sadly, no. It was to bribe any fillies or colts summoned into the game to join my side, as well as give me information.

     But I had to carefully cloak it, as Luna might smell it and yell her age old battle cry of 'Moon Pies' and charge in guns blazing, attempting to steal the 'moon pies' she thought I was hiding. Long story, for later.

     My personal magic sensors were tingling inside my horn, pointing me towards......the ceiling. Wait, the ceiling?

      A moment and a flood of chocolate milk later, I was drenched from horn to tail and glaring at the two draconequus siblings who were laughing so hard chocolate milk shot out of their noses.

    Next to Discord was a draconequus female with sleek black feathers instead of fur covering her body. Her meadow green eyes were clenched shut tightly as she laughed, and her mismatched limbs and horns shook with her giggling.

    A smile slowly crept its way onto my lips. "Pestilence! It's been a long time."

    Pestilence swooped down from where she and her brother were hovering in the air and gave me a hoof bump (hoof/claw bump?). "Too long," she agreed. "So, who do we shoot?"

    "Well let's see....."

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

IN LUNA'S BASE CAMP

   My magic was waning, but it was worth it. I saw Twilight take a breath and continue to shape the orbs of magic, adding in silencing, photorecepting, and cloaking spells in as she packed down the layers of magic until the sixty-seven orbs were no bigger than marbles.

    I wiped sweat off of my brow; Twilight wasn't called the Princess of Magic for nothing. The magical marbles would monitor the library, or could be used as distractions. They would pulse with light and whiz around, making a sort of keening sound that would hopefully draw attention.

   But that was one part of the master plan. Another was the even smaller orbs of magic Twilight had enchanted; 'Custom paintballs', she'd said. Some exploded and hissed as they created smoke screens, some lit up in a small supernova that could cause temporary blindness, some exploded on contact and sprayed the target with a 'tracking mist' that would allow us to find them anywhere in the library, and there were some more types as well.

    She'd proceeded to shoot herself in the rump with a tracker ball, thus allowing me to track her rump. Er, track her by her rump. Not track her rump.

     "Alright, I'm bringing a raiding team back." Twilight swung her rifle over her shoulder as the stairs ascended next to her.

     I blinked. "How many ponies is a raiding team?"

     Twilight paused with her head just barely above the floor. "Hmm....about ten, maybe? I don't know, but I'll count them and send you a MTM from the Gear Room."

     An MTM? Whatever. "Okay, I'll be here guarding the fort. And just a warning, I wouldn't try to recruit Sombra or Dream. They have their 'Fortress of Evilness' already set up and enchanted, they won't want to leave it."

      My purple teammate nodded and continued down the stairs, leaving me to guard the fort in the silence that came afterwards.

      A very heavy, dramatic, movie-grade silence.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

IN THE GEAR ROOM (What? I couldn't resist!)

    I bobbed my head up and down in confirmation. "Yep, that just about covers it."

    A group of fillies smacked their hooves together. "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS AND THE FANTASTIC FILLIES PAINTBALL PLAYERS, YAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!"

    Subtlety, your name is Cutie Mark Crusaders and The Fantastic Fillies.

    Hoof, I'd like you to meet a personal friend of mine, Face.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

FOLLOWING A VERY STEALTHY GROUP OF FOALS, AKA A HALF HOUR LATER

    So there we were, creeping down the aisle of dusty tomes, just like in one of Rainbow Dash's Daring Do books. I was in front, next to Alula Kicker, Cloud Kicker's little sister. Behind us were Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Dinky Doo, Pipsqueak, Babs, and behind us came some filly-sized adults: Rainbow Dash, Rarity, and Applejack.

    We were all armed to the teeth, but I was different from the others. I'd been searching the racks of various paintball-launching tools when I'd found.....it. A wooden box the size of my head, no lock, covered in a few feet of dust. I'd pulled it out, dusted it off for about ten minutes, and slowly opened the lid.

    Sitting inside the box on a thin layer of foam was a crossbow. not just any crossbow, but a paintball crossbow. I loved it. It was weird, though, that my initials were carved neatly into the plastic near the paintball-launching part.

S. D. Scootaloo Do. So I'd taken the crossbow. It was now in my front hooves as I sighted down the tube, praying to Celestia to come a tiny bit farther to the right......

Ka-popopopopop!

  Paintballs sprayed shiny gold paint around me and the rest of the group as they exploded. We returned fire and the Princess of the Sun was sloppily painted ten colors in ten seconds. While the rest of us were silently cheering, Alula went to inspect the gear Celestia had dropped her in surprise.

   She returned while the silent cheers, hushed whispers, and hoof-bumps were winding down, everypony taking up their various guns and reloading. Cartridges and separate paintballs were unpacked and stuffed into barrels or clicked into holes; we were ready to go again.

   "Look at this," she whispered, and hoofed what she'd been carrying to me. I looked at it, a map of the library. With.....a pink paintmark high up in the upper left corner, almost off the map; a black one and a purple one in the middle, and a golden one near the bottom?

     "What is it?" I whispered back to her.

     Her cream ear twitched before she answered: "Those are fights she's gotten into."

      I looked at her, then we both grinned. "Level forty-three, history section?"

       "Definitely."

      "Move out!"

The War of The Ages (Walking Stage)

IN CADENCE AND CHRYSALIS' BASE CAMP

    Chrysalis offered a fanged grin. We lifted our guns, (well, she lifted her gun and I lifted my automatic SMX-2013, the newest model, painted a slick blue, like my cutie mark) and sighted the group of fillies creeping up the stairs, tightening our magical grip on the trigger.....

SPLAT

    I wiped the goop off of my now-stinging face. I checked my hoof, yep, it was covered in cyan.

    "Told ya I'd get you back!" Rainbow Dash yelled, before turning her sights on Chrysalis as bright orange paint covered the Changeling queen.

     "Alright that's it! Dishonor! Dishonor on you, dishonor on your cow, dishonor on-" Whatever else my friend was going to say was lost as she tumbled down the stairway to the gear room.

       We heard one last shout of "Dishonor!" before she fell quiet.

      I smiled and began my descent, praying I didn't have blue paint in my teeth.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

IN DREAM AND SOMBRA'S PALACE OF EVIL

     "AAAAGH!" I yelled, slapping a hairtie over my braid before it could unwind again. My starry hair had, for once, stopped its infernal flowing, leaving me with a sparkling braid that hung down to my knees. My tail trailed behind me, my paintsprayer's muzzle swinging and dipping to and fro as I looked around, watching for any chance of an ambush.

     I slipped around a corner, the paint in my can sloshing. I caught a wisp of a whisper: "......come to us......death trap.......win game.......Luna'll be so........"

    Immediately I whipped put my backup pistols, all four of them. Then I listened again, and cantered soundlessly to my left. The voices became stronger, as if.........they were right on the other side of this shelf! I listened.

     "Celestia's voice.......who was that? Oh wait...That was Discord...then her again....Celestia's got a big master plan.." I muttered soundlessly. Eh, waste now, think later.

    With two beats of my wings and a tug of magic, the area underneath me was bathed in gleaming, midnight blue paint, issuing from the muzzle of my gun. I dove back behind my bookshelf, then went out to check on my loot, magically replacing my empty can of paint with a full one.

    Those three dropped a good haul, but nothing I needed except for the drum harness. I shook the barrels of paintballs out of it and replaced them with my paint cans, buckling the harness on me. It was a flawless shade of black, much like my own immaculate coat, so it looked like I'd opened flaps of my skin and shoved the cans into them.

    I grinned and turned, heading for the fort. It was Sombra's turn to waste somebody, and quite frankly I'd had my fill of wasting at the moment. Three ponies down, a good score.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

FROM THE LYRA-VISION CAM

    I slipped slowly in between  the bookshelves, invisible or only a shadowy outline at close range. I was a rogue, a master of stealth. I was working with Moondancer for Celestia, she'd sent us out to waste ponies while she summoned her own team.

    Together we moved, shadows dancing, floor after floor, until we found victims: a trio of fillies, backs to us, slightly smaller than our filly-sizes were. I used the universal signal, drawing one mint green hoof across my throat under my chin and blinking, my amber eyes transmitting a message: Take them out, quickly.

    I wove around them, and with fierce battle cries, we engaged. As we attacked I got a good look at our opponents, a trio of unicorn fillies. One was pink with a two-tone purple mane and green eyes. She went down first.

    Moondancer got hit as I took down the second and third; a greyish-purple filly with a blonde mane and tail and a pristine white filly with a bubblegum pink and dark purple mane and tail. She glared at me, walking down the steps with her rifle held lovingly next to her in a halo a couple shades more green than my coat.

    I quickly looked over the dropped supplies. Celestia's orders to us had been to go light on the loot, that way we'd have less to protect. I picked up the things Moondancer had dropped and stashed them on various places of my person, she'd want them when she respawned.

     Back to base, now.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

SPECIAL SEGMENT: LUNA, TWILIGHT, AND MIA AMORE CADENZA ON THE RECRUITMENT PROCESS

Interview done by Senior Reporter Succulent Scoop, Canterlot Daily Magazine

Succulent Scoop: So, Your Majesties, can you explain to me exactly what the recruitment process is?

Twilight: Well, Mr. Scoop, it's more of a spell rather than a process. You see, a highly powered unicorn or alicorn can cast the spell to call in extra team members to help them on the field. Sort of like a beacon. Anyway, the spell bends planes of space and time, a variation of the Common Long-Distance Teleportation spell, if you will, and snatches a pony or ponies that the spell was targeted to get and brings them to what is referred to as 'The Gear Room', TGR for short. There they can choose their arms and join their teammates on the battlefield.

SS: Oh.....kay.....

Mi Amore: What she's trying to say is the recruitment process is a variation of the long-distance teleportation spell targeted at a pony or a group of ponies.

SS: Ah ha. Thank, Your Highness.

T: Not a problem! So few people are actually interested in how the spells work anymore!

MAC: You're welcome, Mr. Scoop.

Luna: Any more questions? Perhaps you would like to go in-field, to get a hooves-on experience for your report? Or would you prefer to just simply interview the participants?

SS: Is it alright if I do both? I can get different stories from different angles of view, including my own.

MAC: I don't see why not.

T: The more, the merrier!

L: Huzzah! But whose team shalt you choose?

SS: Hmmm.......The Dusk Crusade, if you will accept me.

T: Of course! Oooh, a new teammate! New strategies, new equipment, new thought processes!

L: (To SS) Yes, she is mostly always like this.

SS: Ah...alright, then. I'll take your word for it.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

* *Spoiler alert: check the Author's notes for the team names and team members.Thank you for reading.* *

PESTILENCE'S POINT OF VIEW

   I moved from couch to couch before my timer went off, signaling my return to the game for the others in the room. I waved and hauled butt up the stairs, blasting up the spiraling ramp to the observatory section. There, I enacted my plan. A slow-moving, cotton candy-scented fog would descend from this top portion to the very first floor, breathable but unable to see any more than five feet.

    Then I was rather rudely blasted in the butt, flinging me over the railing. When I came back up, there was an entirely too innocent-looking changeling queen and a spiraling set of stairs.

   Nuts.

The War of The Ages (Walking Stage) [Part Two]

IN THE DUSK CRUSADE'S BASE CAMP

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/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

IN LOVE & LIFE'S BASE CAMP

   "They won't even hear it coming! It's perfect, Cady!"

SPLOOSH

.....

.....

.....

   "Ooops....was I interrupting?"

  "*censored**censored**censored**censored* you, Dream!"

   "Should I take that as a yes?"

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

LUNAR-VISION CAMERAS PROUDLY PRESENT

     Up a row, stop, look around, continue. Repeat.

     And so I did, over and over, until I was fairly sure that I'd booby-trapped the entire floor and worn the carpet down some more. I sent a message to Twilight, informing her of the traps and how to avoid them all.

    Then, on a hunch, I went to the walls and looked behind a tapestry. Nothing but bare, open wall space. I grinned so wide I made the crescent moon hide itself in shame.

   I then proceeded to shamelessly use a cone of cyan magic to drill a tunnel through the wall. If I was right, the Archives would be ours before any of the other ponies or changelings or draconequuses even got there, possibly before they even thought of it!

   The prospect excited me even more than the actual accomplishment probably would, and with each rotation of the cone my imagination decided to take it upon itself to conjure up images of what I could do with the things that were in the Archives.

   Perhaps the age-old 'Invisibility Liquor' or possibly the spell 'Master Chameleon' would come in handy at times, or paintballs that could freeze or paralyze the target.

   But alas, I was getting ahead of myself. First I needed to drill through the wall for a hundred meters or so, then make smaller vents for aeration so I wouldn't suffocate, add magical light balls, attach it to the other tapestries in the library and possibly in the Archives, and then map them out or use magic to tell ponies where the entrances were. Like roadsigns.

   But inside a wall. And luckily for myself, the walls were very thick, thick enough for two side-by-side filly-size tunnels with a couple inches of sound-muffling for safety.

   The more I thought about it, the more work was entailed but the more perfect it would be in the end. Oh well. I might as well just worm my way around inside the walls for a couple of hours, then rest for a half of one to refuel my magic.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

MOONDANCER

    We slid through the rows of books effortlessly, me and Lyra. soon Bon- Bon would be out in the field, along with Berry Punch, Hoity Toity, Fleur de Lis, Fancypants, and many other nobles who jumped at the chance to get inside the palace and the Archives.

    Most of them just wanted to get in for the fact that it was Canterlot Castle. But there was a target, inside the wall. Wait, WHAT? The wall?

"Maybe we should check it ou-"

SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT SPLAT

    "Hehe, Our apologies. This was a temporary experiment, it failed. Bye!"

   And just like that, the Diarch of the Night was gone, strutting past us to inspect our loot. What I didn't know was she inspected the loot, took all of it, and climbed back inside her wall-tunnel after we left.

   I'd only find that out later, in the exclusive magazine I got for being one of the first participants, though. Waaay after the fight.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

TWILIGHT'S NEW STRATEGY

    "Okay ponies, here's the deal. I called you all here to discuss a new strategy. As I'm sure you all don't know, Luna has been tunneling from tapestry to tapestry through the walls. She's used magic to brace it, aerate it, let you know where you are, etcetera.

    I have also devised something very helpful to our cause: the resource drainage strategy. Luna will tunnel all over, then dig massive storage caches between here and the Archives. After you eliminate somepony, wait for them to leave down the stairs then take the loot to the cache nearest to you via the tunnels.

    Carefully guard the secret of the tunnels, my friends. Now....um....go hurt something?"

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

  SUCCULENT SCOOP'S ADVENTURES P1

    Oh, for the love of harmony, why did I get myself involved in this thing? Luckily so far I've been assigned to tunnel duty with Luna and Dinky Doo, safe tunnel duty. The way our little Rumba line works is

1: Luna digs the rough tunnel and makes it somewhat smooth

2: I smooth it the rest of the way and aerate it

3: That talented little filly behind me marks where we are with numbers and arrows and the like

4: We move on.

     I hope my next post is a lookout. That way I'm not n the way of anything, and my sniper gun sure will come in handy in that situation. There was also a joke-box filled with joke apparatuses that could fire paintballs. So now I'm running-crawling, actually-around with a paint-spraying bow-tie on my neck, activated by saying, rather loudly, 'Hocus Pocus'!

     I have never been so humiliated in my entire, thirty-five years of life as I am now.

     At least I'm allowed to bring in some co-workers, one or two for the other teams each. Shooting the snootier, look-down-my-nose-at-you-every-single-day-while-talking-in-an-incredibly-annoying-nasal-voice-that-will-get-me-punched-someday types, like the editors and publishers.

    Especially the formatters. Harmony, I hate those ponies.

/\/\/\/\/\

\/\/\/\/\/

FROM THE VERY TOP OF THE LIBRARY DOWN, ONE COMMENT FOR EACH LEVEL

Level 67: *Crickets chirp in the distance*

Level 66: *The crickets can still be heard*

Level 65: *Cotton candy-scented fog seethes slowly towards the edge of the railing*

Level 64: *A midnight blue head pops out from behind a tapestry, but retreats nearly as fast as it comes out. Anypony standing next to the tapestry could've heard shushed whispering, then the hum of magic.*

Level 63: *Those harmony-cursed crickets are back.*

Level 62: *Absolutely bucking nothing.*

Level 61: * If one was to take a pair of ultra-zoom binoculars and look directly down, they'd see the shimmer of magical energies concentrated into a ball.*

Level 60: *......................................*

Level 59: *......................................*

Level 58: *......................................*

Level 57: *.....................................*

Level 56: *....................................*

Level 55: *...................................*

Level 54: *..................................*

Level 53: Hushed whispers can be heard coming from below you.*

Level 52: *.................................*

Level 51: *................................*

Level 50: * A heavily cloaked area of the level shimmers slightly with the strain being forced on the air around the bubble of spells.*

Level 49: *The midnight head proceeds to pop out behind the picture of a very flamboyant stallion in a white suit studded with diamonds. It disappears even faster this time.*

Level 48: *..............................*

Level 47: *.............................*

Level 46: *............................*

Level 45: *...........................*

Level 44: *Two barely-visible, pony-shaped outlines glide along in between shelves.*

Level 43: *..........................*

Level 42: *.........................*

Level 41: *A trio of unicorn fillies wanders along, alert and ready for battle, though they'll find none unless they run across the sneaky duo on 44.*

Level 40: *........................*

Level 39: *.......................*

Level 38: *A rustling noise comes from inside the wall. Nopony except those in close range could hear it.*

Level 37: *......................*

Level 36: *WHY THE BUCK ARE THOSE CRICKETS STILL HERE?*

Level 35: *.....................*

Level 34: *...................-SPLOOSH! SPLAT! SPLAT! SPLAT! KA-POPOPOPOP!*

Level 33: *...................*

Level 32: * The casual observer could chance to observe three whizzes of black, one brown, and a grey unicorn duking it out, casually splashing paint on the aforementioned casual observer.*

Level 31: *..................*

Level 30: *There seems to be nothing on the level but an extremely inconspicuous corner in which there are bookshelves creating a hidden enclave.*

Level 29: *.................*

Level 28: *................*

Level 27: *...............*

Level 26: *..............*

Level 25: *A black blur zings around like a pinball, avoiding booby traps frantically and sometimes barely by centimeters.*

Level 24: *.............*

Level 23: *............*

Level 22: *...........*

Level 21: *A lavender form takes flight and is quickly engaged by a white one.*

Level 20: *..........*

Level 19: *This time the body accompanies the blue head, sliding sleekly out of the wall.*

Levels 18-1: *...................................................................................................................................*

The War of The Ages (WTF-WDATPCF? Stage)

Title: The War of The Ages (What The [Insert your adorable curse word starting with 'f', such as: 'fuzznugget']-Where Did All These Ponies Come From? Stage)

Just so you know. We can move on now.

***

    Pinkie Pie sighed and smiled. "That's good, somepony's here! I was afraid after Author titled this chapter so kookily nobody'd wanna read it!"

    Twilight tapped the end of the pink party pony's paintball bazooka with her magic. "Pinkie, kookily is not a word. And stop breaking the fourth wall!"

    "But Twilight-"

    "NO."

    "Awwww...."

   "Go scout."

   "Yay!"

   "Quietly!

    "Awwww...."

***

    "You, Cadence, have got to be kidding me. This is our team fort?" Chrysalis asked as she trotted into the Archives' latest section, a fairly small one housing anything and everything related to the Magic of Friendship.

     Behind her, the entire floor hummed just slightly with the sound of the air loaded down with magic. It would take a unicorn's horn to detect, as besides being a conduit for a unicorn's natural magic, they could double as magical dowsing rods at times.

     Cadence looked only slightly worse for the wear, hauling her paintball tommy, affectionately dubbed 'Tomm', over her back whilst levitating an ancient leather-bound tome in front of her head. Her magenta eyes scanned the pages, until at last she gave an exuberant "Yes!" that implied something long sought after being found.

     Chrysalis just raised an eyebrow and waited for the explanation she knew would be coming in three, two-

     "It's a light dampening spell! We can use Twilight's alteration of it to bend light into a sort of capsule around us, rendering us completely invisible and, with the addition of a couple more incantations thrown in, nobody will be able to hear us or even sense us!"

     Chrysalis cocked an eyebrow. "And this will help us when other magic users are nearby how exactly? The minute we weave that capsule we'll be on the MD(Magi-Dar) for every magic user in a seven floor radius!"

     Cadence hung her head. "Oh yeah..."

     Chrysalis facehooved. Then yelped as a purple paintball hit her square in the rump. Cadence looked up just in time to get her wing painted a bright purple and give a return glare to her sister-in-law.

    Twilight only smiled and took the book, calling out "Operation Babysitter successful! Retreat!" before she ran for the ramp.

***

   Celestia crept along, extremely happy at how her fortress had grown. She'd made a portal in her Library Fort, and she made it so when she stepped on it she was automatically teleported to her Archives Fort, a massive construct. It'd taken her what felt like hours to build, made out of one of the shelving units and tucked in a remote, locked-up wing, the Starswirl the Bearded Section. She magically warded the lock and gate in as many ways as she knew how before moving out, browsing the other sections and every so often pulling a book off the shelf, throwing it into an inter-dimensional pocket.

   She was so busy raiding the Archives of anything useful, that she didn't notice the pink shadow stalking her, emulating her every hoofstep to cover the spy's own. She raised a black-clad hoof and pulled her night-vision goggles down, her forelock poofing up after the strap passed over it. She turned around and made a signal with her hoof, then turned back to Celestia's receding rump.

   The lights flickered and died, plunging the dusty Archives into darkness so absolute, Luna's night vision would've been hard-pressed to see ten feet.

   Celestia's horn flickered with golden light, revealing her gun was out. She turned slowly...

..........and came face-to-face with the muzzle of a cotton-candy pink gun.

***

    Twilight sang in her head as she trotted back towards Celestia's interdimensional pocket rip, pulling out all the books inside. Hmm..., she thought, I can make this work.

   And then she was gone.

***

     Lyra whirled, but not in time. She cried out as a black paintball splattered her cutie mark, then clapped a hoof over her mouth. Moondancer gave her a mental I'm sorry, as she slipped away in between the shelves. Then yelped herself as she came face-to-face with a smiling Shining Armor.

     'Wow,' Chrysalis mouthed to Cadence, 'He really gets things done, doesn't he?'

     Cadence smiled. 'Yup, best hubby ever!'

***

    Pestilence frowned. So they have the Guard-Captain with them now...

   As she mulled over what this could mean for her team, her brother slunk up the ramp and beckoned to her, throwing a cottonfog bomb. She made her way through the pink smoke, ears and nose twitching. When she found Discord, she stared at him expectantly.

  'Twilight's on our tail,' He mouthed, 'She's nearly gotten me twice.'

   A spray of purple paintballs ripped apart the smoke, causing the siblings to drop to the ground. They looked at each other, nodded, and then took flight, gingerly lowering themselves down behind the determined alicorn, and lobbed a paintcan at her before fleeing the scene.

***

THE FLOOR-BY-FLOOR BREAKDOWN:

67: *Quiet. Very quie-POPOPOPOPOP!*

66: ...

65: *Luna whips towards 'The Painter', jumping behind the tapestry as Discord and Pestilence thunder past.*

64: ...

63: ...

62: ...

61: ...

60: ...

59: *Lyra and Moondancer split up, creeping towards Sweetie Belle's unprotected back...*

58: *Nightmare casually hoses down Apple Bloom and Applejack from the air, flying towards the stairwell. Unless Lyra and Moondancer are gone by the time she gets there, she's toast.*

57-41: *Nothing to see here...HISSS...Just move along...POPPOPPOP!*

40: *Paint flys everywhere in cotton candy fog, from the ground and the air on all sides.*

39: ...

38: ...

37: ...

36: ...

35: ...

34: ...

33: *Luna pops out from behind a tapestry, followed by Succulent and Dinky. They converse for a short while, then hop back in.*

32: ...

31: ...

30: ...

29: ...

28: *I THOUGH I GOT RID OF THOSE CRICKETS!*

27-1: *Silence.*

The Archives: *Celestia grumbles, on full alert as she clops silently down the halls.*

Intermission 1: Meet the Teams

   So I decided to make this chapter to tell you all about the teams availiable for OCs to be added to, if you'd like to volunteer yours. See my blog post, Help Me! for more info on that particular topic.

   WARNING: THIS CHAPTER IS SUBJECT TO CHANGE AT ANY TIME. THIS IS, BY FAR, A TEMPORARY STATE FOR THIS CHAPTER. MORE WILL BE ADDED, I PROMISE.

THE TEAMS:

The Dusk Crusade

Leader/ co-leader: Luna/ Twilight

Other Members: Succulent Scoop the reporter, Alula Kicker, Pipsqueak, Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, Dinky Doo, Babs, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity

The Angry Sunburns

Leader/ co-leader/ co-leader: Celestia/ Discord/ Pestilence

Other Members: Lyra Heartstrings, Moondancer, Pinkie Pie, Berry Punch, Bon-Bon, Sparkler, Cloud Kicker, Ditzy Doo, Fluttershy,

Down With The Evils

Leader/ co-leader: Dream(Nightmare)/ Sombra

Other Members: Cloudchaser, Flitter, Thunderlane, Diamond Tiara, Silver Spoon, Filthy Rich,

Love & Life

Leader/ co-leader: Chrysalis/ Cadance

Other Members: Ice Shard, Shining Armor, Silver Spearpoint, Golden Gunn, Drone 2365, Drone 2366, Drone 2367, Captain 7782, Upper Crust, Jet Set,