The Equestrian Hitcher

by Jersey Lightning

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Adventure, Shining Armor, Pinkie Pie, Big Macintosh, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Human
Length: 14124

In a world where Humanity and Ponies have coexisted for centuries, the Main Six disappear.

I like to avoid getting too involved in 'Equestrian Issues', but in my line of work I still end up neck deep in it more often than I'd like. This time was no different, even if the stakes were higher.

Decades of tensions between the Equestrian Union and the United States reached their boiling point with the disappearance of the six most important ponies on the planet, and I ended up right in the middle of it.

But I wasn't alone, even when I wanted to be: I had a hitchhiker.

Cover art by Ara

Published 2013-06-22 02:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-03-16 03:16:11 UTC

Prologue: At The End, We Begin.

The Equestrian Hitcher

Prologue:

At The End, We Begin.

I held back a curse as the bullet tore into my shoulder. This wasn't how I'd planned to spend my Sunday, I'd decided. No, getting shot wasn't how any sentient wanted to spend any day of the week; Human, Pony, or Other. I pointed my sidearm over my shoulder and fired around the corner at my assailant. It was the least I could do to repay the favor.

"Jensen, Jensen, Jensen... You do know this is hopeless don't you?" That irritating voice asked me. He'd had that quality about him, not that I'd ever met the man face to face. No, he'd gotten me this worked up in less than an hour. Oh how the time flies!

"That's Detective Jensen," I shot back. Not my greatest comeback ever, but I was losing blood at a rather alarming pace so it had to be forgiven.

'That's not your best work, Vicky.' That little voice in my head chided.

"Thank you for that, Pinkie," I muttered as I pushed a fresh magazine into my pistol and retreated deeper into the facility. And to think, I'd been looking for drugs! Drugs! I could have used some drugs at this point. I fiddled with the injector in my left hand, spinning the selector round and round absently as I ran.

'I know when I'm needed.' Pinkie said simply.

"I can make it quick you know!" That voice called after me again.

That prick was definitely getting under my skin. I suppressed a groan as I kicked at the steel framed door blocking my path. I was rewarded with a loud clang and a dull throbbing in my knee. I'm not sure why I thought that would work. That kind of thing only worked in movies. "Pinkie, I think you're rubbing off on me."

'Wanna let me drive for a bit?' Pinkie asked. I could feel her smirk.

"Think you can do it without a full shift? I don't think we have time for that right now." I replied as I scanned the hallway, pistol at the ready. If she took too long... I didn't want to think about that.

'Oh yeah.' she said determinedly.

"By all means," I said with a wave of my good arm, and the world went black. And then it came back and I was on the other side of the locked door, staring at the obstruction that had previously been in my path. It was still locked tight.

"One day you're gonna have to tell me how you do that," I said with a chuckle as I sprinted down the dimly lit hallway towards destiny. Well that was a bit melodramatic of me wasn't it?

'If I tell you, it won't work anymore. Trust me: I'm Pinkie Pie!' she answered with a giggle.

Figures. I heard more gunfire and took another hit, apparently that door hadn't slowed him down after all. I took a few more steps and my knee finally gave out. I crashed to the metal floor plating and dropped my gun. I watched in detached fascination as it skidded far out of my reach.

"You should have let us keep them, Detective Jensen," The man sneered as he kicked me over onto my back. I finally got a good look at my new gunshot wound.

It wasn't pleasant, right through the thigh, bleeding enough that I probably didn't have long. Well, I always figured I'd die by gunfire, at least I had the pleasure of knowing it had been on the two-way range instead of in some dark alley with no warning. My fingers spun the selector on the injector again.

"It was never a choice I could make. Couldn't live with myself if I let innocents suffer and I could do anything to stop it." I replied with a halfhearted shrug as the selector locked in. It wouldn't be much longer.

"You can't stop it, and now you're going to die for it," He said finally as he pointed his pistol at my head. I decided that since I didn't know his name, his name was now 'Bastard.' I coughed, It was getting harder to breath, harder to keep my head up. No, It wouldn't be long at all.

'You know what will happen if you use it...' Pinkie warned, I could hear the fear in her voice. Was she afraid for me?

I smirked up at the man who thought he'd won. Maybe I wouldn't make it, but there was one thing left I could do. "Maybe I can't stop it... but I'll save a spot for you in hell," I chuckled with a smirk as I stabbed the injector into my thigh and released the contents. I got to see the look of shock on his face before the world went white.

'I know, Pinkie, but it's okay. I have no regrets.'

Author's Note

So this is a new thing that I got from a dream I had after eating pineapple pizza.

Welcome to the madness.

Chapter 1: Might be drugs

The Equestrian Hitcher

Chapter 1:

Might be drugs

My grandfather owned a horse ranch in the 1930s. My father inherited it from him, and I'd spent a great deal of my formative years around horses; even managed a few medals in 4H and junior rodeo. I was not unfamiliar with the mannerisms and needs of those majestic creatures.

And all of that information helped me in no way as I tried to calm the pony in front of me. Strange quirk of evolution that allowed them to diverge from horses like that, but I supposed humans and primates were no different so long ago.

And for some strange reason the ponies couldn't get enough of Texas.

I tried to stifle a sigh--it wouldn't do me any good to further agitate the unicorn. I'd seen what they could do when they put their minds to it, and I had no desire to be on the receiving end of that again: thirty-six hours as a tree is thirty-five hours too long.

I looked up at the pony on the other side of my desk, sitting in one of my office chairs, the door behind her closed to keep the noise from the rest of the office from drowning her out.

To say nothing about keeping her concerns private. Or at least private until they needed not to be.

"Ma'am, they are not running a horn harvesting ring out of the house across the street from your apartment. Horn harvesting has been illegal since the sixteen hundreds," the sigh slipped out and I put an elbow on my desk and rested my head against my hand, "If it'll make you feel better, I'll go and investigate it personally."

'Probably a drug house,' I thought, but kept it to myself.

'Why did it have to be at my desk? Rangers do not investigate this kind of thing... Damn ponies.' I thought with less venom than I'd wanted. Whenever the ponies got involved, they always sent it to us. Higher ups wanted to prevent an incident that might draw the attention of the Equine leadership.

War with Texas? Maybe not, but the Equine leadership wasn't as naive as the average pony, It wouldn't be something great in any case. Thoughts went to a loss of the earth-pony agriculture necessary to keep the food supply up.

"Oh would you? That would be wonderful. I've just been so scared, what with all the strange comings and goings, griffons, canids... you know it used to be such a lovely ne-eighborhood!" the mint green unicorn said.

The whinny, that never got old. I couldn't keep the smile off my face. "Well don't you worry about it at all, ma'am. The Texas Rangers are the best of the best. I won't let you down. Now, for the paperwork, your name was..."

"My name is Spearmint. Officer..." she probed.

"Detective Victoria Jensen," I replied, "Let's just finish up a few things here and I'll head right over there and check this out for you, alright?"

"That would be just lovely, Detective Jensen."

~~

Driving always gave me a chance to think. No distractions from the office, no distractions from the job. It was me, four hundred horsepower, and the wide open road. And traffic. Endless. Traffic. It was a Friday, and like every Friday traffic was abysmal. Four thirty and everybody loses their mind, as if being in a hurry would get them home faster; they just made it worse.

I was tempted for a moment to turn the lights on and drive up the shoulder, but I quashed that tiny voice immediately. This part of I-20 was notoriously poorly kept, and I could see the broken glass and tire debris littering up the shoulder from the left lane. No, I'd rather not pop the tires on a government owned vehicle.

The US-175 exit finally came up on the right and I signaled my way over. If there's one good thing about a police marked vehicle, it's that people will get out of your way. On the one hand, I felt bad that my mere presence intimidated people like that... but on the other hand, if it works, why knock it?

As I came down the ramp off the exit I spotted a flock of pegasi flying alongside the road and was immediately jealous. Of course they wouldn't be hindered by slow traffic... but then I guess I didn't have to wear myself out flapping for seventy miles either.

In the next lane over, a Miata with the top down caught my eye; or rather, the brightly colored hair trailing out of the driver's seat and into the wind. The second thing that caught my eye was the turquoise glow coming from the driver's forehead.

I'm not racist, I'm really not. I'm not a traffic cop either, but rules are rules, and the law is most definitely the law, so I accelerated and came alongside the little red coupe and it was exactly as I'd thought. Unicorn driving with magic. Now, let me clarify; Unicorns, Pegasi, and Earth ponies all have the same equal protection under the law, they have all the same rights as any other sentient but there are limits.

One of those limits is that the steering wheel must be gripped with hand, hoof, claw, or other. Magic, however, is not an allowed means of maintaining control of the vehicle. I came up on the right side of the car and rolled down my window. "Yo," I said conversationally.

The pony in the car looked over at me. The steering wheel was firmly gripped in her magic, and her hooves were laying across the armrests. "Yeah?" she asked.

I pointed a finger up at the light bar on the roof of my truck and tapped my fingers deliberately on the steering wheel, "forgetting something?"

The pony looked at me with a blank look for a moment before it clicked, and her hooves darted to the steering wheel, her magic fading out. At least she had the good graces to look embarrassed about it.

I smiled a half smile and pulled away. If there was one thing above all else about ponies that I fully appreciated in my career in law enforcement, it’s that almost none of them are assholes. There were exceptions of course, but by and large if a pony told you something, they were telling it straight. It made my job easier if nothing else.

It was the exceptions to the rule that usually ended up ruining my day.

I pulled off onto the exit ramp for TX-34 and took a left. Traffic had thinned out appreciably. I looked down at the address that Spearmint had given me, which shouldn't be more than a mile up the road. She'd likely already be home; Unicorn teleportation is another one of those things I was jealous of.

I pulled the truck up in front of a single story house. The address matched exactly. I sighed as I shut off the engine and opened the door. It had been over an hour of driving through Dallas traffic just to get onto the highway, and another thirty minutes to get to Kaufman. I should have asked where exactly it was the little mare lived before I volunteered for the trip.

"Well, time for the magics..." I muttered under my breath as I pulled the Resistol hat over my head. ‘Dress western’ they said, ‘dress code’ they said. Fine: brown canvas duster, boots, jeans, hat. Thank heavens above it was December: might not have been able to drink water fast enough to stave off dehydration, otherwise.

What most people don't understand is that Texas in fact only has two seasons: 'Warm' and 'Blast Furnace.' In this case, being December, it was actually a rather tolerable fifty-five degrees. I chuckled inwardly--most of the state would probably bring out the zero-zone overalls for that kind of weather.

No use delaying it. I walked up the sidewalk to the front door of the beige house, rang the doorbell, and waited. I could hear movement inside. I leaned to the side and looked through the glass next to the door. Nothing.

"Hey, Texas Ranger, anybody home?" I announced. Sometimes, in these towns outside of Dallas, you'd have people who didn't want to answer the door. Different reasons each time: some didn't like solicitors, some feared robbery. Some were even afraid of the poli--

"Help!" I heard a young female voice scream from inside, just as a flash of light came through the windows. My gun was in my hand in an instant, as I slammed my shoulder into the door and knocked it open: the dry-rotted wooden door frame didn't stand a chance.

"Dispatch, need backup on sixteen hundred block of South Washington," I whispered into my radio before turning it off. I didn't need an untimely reply giving away my position at an inopportune time.

Maybe I'd been watching too many movies.

That flash of light though, that had to be a unicorn. I did not want to get involved in shooting a pony, even if it was justified. The red tape never ever ends on that kind of thing.

I scanned the entryway with my pistol in hand, a Springfield 1911A1. I was a traditionalist, what can I say? The entry was clear, and there was a light in a room down the hall. I advanced quickly and stepped into the doorway, gun at the ready and...

The room was empty. Not entirely empty, there was a table covered in syringes, various bottles of unknown origin. A cauldron was boiling in the corner, but there wasn't a living soul in the room. The air was full of a pink haze, and candles were burning. 'What the hell happened in here?'

"Hello?" I asked loudly, "I heard a screa--" and I was hit from behind and sent flying into the table. I felt the prick of a needle as I landed on a pile of syringes, a detached part of my mind wondered if I was going to catch pony-AIDS. The burning sensation that followed told me that whatever it was that was in them had been injected.

As I turned around sluggishly, the pink mist in the room seemed like it was flowing into my body. Must be drugs. Definitely drugs in those needles. A fuzzy black unicorn was staring me down from the doorway, and there was a sickly green glow about him. My mind went to the pony legends about changelings and their feeding habits.

A being that subsisted on stealing love? Only a pony could think up something like that, let alone believe it.

Wait, he wasn't fuzzy, my vision was fuzzy. Not a good sign--at this rate I doubted I'd spend much longer with a useful level of consciousness. I raised my pistol and fired. The first shot missed, he blocked the second, third, fourth. I fired a fifth shot and it got through and skipped across his shoulder.

I saw his horn charging up with that same sickly green glow. Maybe the ponies were onto something with that legend after all? Either way, whatever he was about to do wouldn't be good. I fired the sixth and seventh shots and there was a bright flash as they collided with his horn. I felt a great pressure as the world slipped away.

~~

'Wake up! Wake up! Wake! Up!' I heard that same voice that was calling for help, but she was... in my head?

I let out a breath I didn't know I'd been holding. Damn it was hot, maybe the duster was overdoing it. I finally opened my eyes, "yeah I'm up..."

I was still in that same room, the difference however was that the room was on fire. I couldn't see the unicorn that had attacked me but I could smell... Oh there he was, a pile of... well it wasn't a pony anymore but it was up against the wall of the room across the hall.

Apparently when you shoot a unicorn in the horn while they are charging up a spell like that they can explode and then catch the building on fire. I filed that under 'stuff that could be useful in the future.'

It would make a good story for entertaining guests regardless.

'Magical backlash probably, you need to get out of here before the house comes down!' that voice screamed in my head again. I had no objections. I grabbed my hat off the floor and pulled the empty syringes out of my arm.

And I ran, out the door and down the hall. I didn't even want to think about what would happen when the fire reached the cauldron in the corner of that room. I was never a huge fan of pony magic, less a fan of their alchemy. There was no way this was going to end clean.

'I'm going to die.'

'No you're not, silly!' the voice said back at me.

I wasn't a user of drugs. I'm not saying that I've never partaken, but that was many miles and years ago. This... whatever it was, reeked of pony influence, pony magic. Never heard of a human drug that gave you voices in your head without driving you absolutely crazy in the process.

With a final dash of speed I crossed the threshold in time to hear a whistling sound behind me.

That was not good, I dove right as the house behind me vaporized in an alchemy fueled explosion. Time seemed to slow as the blast picked me up into the air and spun me end over end. I even had time to see my truck getting extremely close. I was aware that I still held my now-empty pistol in a death grip.

I hit the truck with enough force to cave in the passenger door and it knocked the wind out of me. Should have killed me outright, but I was okay with that not happening immediately. The pressure from the explosion finally let off and I fell to the pavement.

My arm was definitely broken, leg too. I took a breath, ribs went along for that ride as well it seemed. I didn't hate ponies, far from it, but as I looked at the crater where the house used to be, it reaffirmed my belief that getting involved in pony affairs was always a mistake.

Still, better than being dead.

'Silly, I told you that you weren't going to die.'

"Yeah but that should have killed me," I said, deciding to humor the voice in my head. Everything hurt, apparently my brain didn't have the common decency to let me lose consciousness this time.

Nobody could have missed that explosion, I reached for my radio but found that it was shattered on impact with the truck. Lovely, guess it was going to be the hard way then. I reached my good arm up and pulled the door handle and was rewarded with the door popping open. At least I didn't hit it hard enough to make that impossible.

I reached up into the cab and snagged my finger on the cord I was searching for and pulled the handset down. The stretching hurt, breathing hurt. I knew talking wasn't going to be much better.

I keyed the microphone and held it up to my mouth, "Officer down... officer down. Sixteen hundred block, South Washington." I said before releasing the microphone. I sure hoped it was turned on, because I didn't hear anything come back through.

I dropped onto the ground again, I wasn't going to be getting up this time, I decided. The ground was plenty comfortable. I was idly aware of the truck's radio antenna dangling along the side of the fender. That would certainly explain the lack of reply.

I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and looked up at the sky. So somebody had noticed. Or, I guess the more appropriate word was that somepony had noticed.

'Pegasusususes!' the voice yelled in my head. She wasn't wrong.

I just really hoped that they were paramedics and weren't on the same side as Explodey The Unicorn. On the other hand, maybe it would be easier if they were and just finished me off so I could avoid all the hassle I was going to go through for shooting a pony.

Even if he did deserve it. Besides, It's not like I knew he was going to explode.

There it was, finally. My eyelids were getting heavy, finally. I probably had internal bleeding. At least I didn't have to be awake for it. Maybe when I woke up they would have the drugs out of my system.

'I'm not a drug silly, I'm a pony!'

My last thoughts before I finally slipped from the waking world were of terror that the voice might be right.

Chapter 2: Pinkamena Diane Pie

The Equestrian Hitcher

Chapter 2:

Pinkamena Diane Pie

The first thing I was aware of was the mental image of a herd of dozens of pink ponies slam-dancing across the surface of my brain. My imagination wasn't generally that vivid, but the headache I was sporting certainly justified the thought.

My eyes cracked open and I took in the room; cheap seafoam green curtain, bed with guard rails, single chair in the corner. This was a hospital room. I'd definitely hit the truck pretty hard, but aside the headache, I didn't feel that bad.

'See, everything worked out just fine!' The voice said in my head again. 'I was wondering when you were gonna wake up! My name's Pinkie Pie, by the way.'

Apparently the drugs were making me hallucinate celebrities in my brain.

Now, I wasn't the biggest on pony culture, I'd seen a few of their movies... and maybe a TV show or two, but I couldn't name any of the actors or actresses. Important political figures? That was something else. I knew I recognized the name and the voice matched up when I thought about it.

'The Elements of Harmony' were a group of almost-royalty among the ponies, a group of six ponies rumored to have access to a power that could guarantee the safety and prosperity of the Equestrian Union. Unfortunately for them, it didn't really work on humans.

I imagine World War 2 would have worked out a lot differently if they did. For that matter, Korea and Vietnam. The whole world did, however, appreciate them managing the end of the cold war and the global nuclear disarmament. One does not pick a fight like that with a pair of entities whose moral code is the only thing stopping them from unilaterally declaring absolute control of the planet.

There were rumors that the Tunguska event in 1908 was pony-related.

"You're not real," I muttered under my breath as I reached up to pull the oxygen mask off my face.

'I'm totally real! I mean, who hasn't heard of Pinkie Pie for pete's sake!' 'Pinkie' argued back.

"Okay, you're real, but you're not actually in my head, I'm just hallucinating, better?" I said, unsure of why I was arguing with a figment of my apparent mental break. "The real Pinkie is in the Union somewhere."

'Well, actually I went with my friend Applejack to Texas because she was interested in seeing a human-run rodeo and I thought that could be really fun so I went along with her and then there was this mean black-coated unicorn and Applejack managed to get away but then he caught me and then I woke up... in your head!' Pinkie explained.

That actually almost made sense in some bizarre kind of way. Applejack was the one with the hat. 'I think.' Her wanting to see a rodeo was fairly in-character I figured. And now I was justifying the voice in my head.

'There's a voice in your head!?' Pinkie yelled into my brain with alarm.

"You are the voice in my head."

'Oh yeah!'

"So, Applejack is still out there huh? Saying that I believe you and that this isn't just me hallucinating, where should I start looking?" I asked in a whisper. I heard feet approaching the room. Feet and hooves.

'Fort Worth Stockyards Rodeo.' Pinkie answered as the door opened.

I sighed with an amused smirk on my face, "tourists..."

The door finally opened and my eyes snapped to the people entering the room. A man lead, dressed in hospital scrubs, but that was just the first lie I read on him. He carried himself with authority, not confidence. My eyes darted around his form. Shirt was too small, but only slightly, like he'd had short notice and had to improvise a uniform.

He was examining the room, scanning for threats, not something any nurse or orderly would be doing. My eyes slid down to his waist, and there was a slight irregularity in the crease of the fabric. He was armed, probably a subcompact, likely a Sig or a Glock.

I made him as a spook before he made it ten feet into the room. FBI? KGB? MI6? Tough call, but the man was confident that he was in control of the room. He wasn't with the ponies, that much was apparent at least. So the question was: is he here to help me, or to find out what I know?

The next was a slate gray unicorn wearing a lab coat and a stethoscope. That would be the doctor. I found no dishonesty on his face, so he likely knew nothing of the fake nurse right next to him. Still, I had to wonder why a unicorn would be my attending physician--possibly due to the nature of my incident? Maybe he knew about the voice in my head.

The next person to enter the room... "Hey Dad," I greeted. He smiled at me, his eyes snapped over towards the spook for an instant and then back to me. He'd made him too; I had expected nothing less.

My dad walked over to me with a limp, the limp that had ended his career a few decades before his due and landed him an early retirement. "Hey Vicky, you look pretty good for somebody that got blown up. Why'd you go and do a damn fool thing like that anyway?" he asked with a laugh.

"Well Dad, I was working a case involving unicorns, and one thing lead to another. Did you know that when unicorns explode they set the building on fire?" I asked with a smirk. I noticed the spook raise an eyebrow and the doctor's face turn into a grimace.

Dad raised his eyebrow and gave me a thoughtful look, "Really..."

"Well, as far as I can tell, yeah," I answered with a shrug. The doctor looked uncomfortable, and I couldn't really blame him, "Not that I make a habit out of making unicorns explode. Just weird cultist types."

The doctor looked at me again and started scribbling on his clipboard. Probably thought I was insane. I wasn't exactly in a position to dispute the point. 'Right pinkie?' I thought at my... tulpa?

'Nah, cohabiting consciousness maybe, a tulpa is created from your own consciousness... I think.' she replied, her 'voice' sounded uncertain.

'That helps, thanks.' I rolled my eyes.

"So anyway..." I ventured, "I actually feel pretty alright all things considered, when can I get out of here?" I felt... good. I had a headache for sure, but physically I didn't even feel that bad, especially considering how I'd been bounced off my truck. I probably had my little hitchhiker to thank for that.

"Ah, yes. Well, we still need to run you through the neurology department for scans. You'll need to be sedated for some of them, so we'll need to keep you an additional night for observation," The unicorn rattled off as his eyes drifted over his clipboard as if reading a list.

...but he wasn't reading a list at all. His eyes weren't scanning left to right, he was looking randomly all over the paper as if he was just trying to give the impression he was reading the list. Then again, I could have been being paranoid.

Still...

"If it's all the same to you, I'm going to check myself out, at least for the time being. I've got an open investigation and I need to get all of this information down while it's still fresh in my mind. A house was blown up after all, I'm sure you can understand my urgency," I offered diplomatically. I'd have to see if he'd take it or try to press the issue.

I noticed the spook was giving the doctor a curious look, and I began to wonder if I'd been worrying about the wrong guy. Not that I was worried either of them would try anything while my dad was there, or for that matter, that either would try anything while the other was watching.

"Why don't we all go back out into the hallway and give her a chance to get dressed, eh?" My dad asked the other two as he brushed against my bed.

I felt a weight drop against the mattress.

I rolled to the side, covering up the object under the guise of giving my dad a hug, "Thanks for coming to make sure I was alright, Dad." I had a good idea of what he'd dropped, and out of the corner of my eye neither the unicorn nor the potential agent seemed to have noticed.

"Alright you two, out!" My dad said with a wave of his hands as he walked towards the door, "she doesn't need us watching her get dressed!"

~~

I had been wrong. I'd expected he'd dropped a sidearm on my bed; that he'd made the spook and was giving me an edge. The truth couldn't have been further from my guess: he'd left keys. I knew exactly what they went to, I'd recognize them anywhere: the keys to a 1969 Buick Skylark. He loved that car, he'd had it longer than I'd been alive, and he had just handed it to me.

What did he know that I didn't?

'Maybe we should leave?' Pinkie asked in my head.

I rubbed my eyes with my left hand while I spun the keys around in my right. The doctor hadn't come back, nor had the orderly or my dad. No, I couldn't just leave. I put my hat on and made for the door--at the very least, I was going to find Dad before I went.

My boots clicked on the tiling as I stepped through the doorway into the hallway. My head was still a little clouded and I was a little unstable on my feet, but I managed and it was getting better with every passing minute. I scanned the hallway, saw a few human nurses, and no sign of my dad or the doctor.

My mouth tasted like cotton candy. I was pretty sure that had something to do with Pinkie, even if I couldn't prove it. My vision was tunneling again, like just before I'd passed out next to my truck. I tried to shake it out of my head. My pocket vibrated, I leaned against the wall, fished my phone out, and flipped it open as the walls started to close in.

The message flashed up immediately.

Dad: Get out, now!

I closed the phone and slipped it back into my pocket with a shaky hand. I was starting to lose my balance. I heard a door down the hallway behind me slam open, and a bright flash of light reflected off the walls in front of me, then everything winked out.

I came to in the driver's seat of my Dad's car, in the parking garage across the street from the hospital entrance and... I was certain I'd completely lost my mind. My vision came back before I was... 'normal' again, and my left hand was pink and furry--I got to watch as the fur retracted into my skin.

"What the f--" I started, when my hitchhiker interrupted.

'I'm so, so, so, sorry but I had to take over, I mean, I didn't even know I could take over but you were starting to lose it and your dad said to run so I had to run and I... kinda turned you into me for about ten minutes' she rapid-fired into my brain.

"You... turned me into a pony?" I asked hesitantly as I stared at my hand.

'Yes?' she answered.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just lost cabin pressure. Please place your tray-tables in the upright and locked positions and assume crash positions. I flipped the keys out of my pocket and slid them into the ignition. Some things are best left ignored until such a time that you can properly freak out; this was one of those things.

The engine started with a rumble. It had been years since I'd driven this car but some things you don't forget. The sound of the engine, the feel of the steering wheel; I was sixteen again, with Dad in the passenger seat teaching me the three pedal two-step.

I reached into my pocket for the phone again and flipped it open, dialed up a number and waited. It rang, and rang, and rang, and rang. No answer, no voice-mail. I slid the phone back into my pocket. He could take care of himself, but that didn't stop me from worrying, didn't stop me from wondering what happened right before Pinkie took over.

"What do I even do now?" I asked aloud as the car idled. I'd gotten involved with the ponies, against everything I'd promised myself, against every previous experience I'd had... and in less than twenty four hours I'd been attacked, blown up, hospitalized, and turned into Pinkie Pie.

I could feel my anger boiling up, not at Pinkie, hell it wasn't her fault, anger at myself, anger at my situation. Anger at that damn black unicorn, anger at whoever was pulling the strings. I wasn't stupid enough to think he was alone, not after the shifty doctor and the gun toting orderly, certainly not after the incident in the hospital, whatever the hell it was.

In for a penny... in for a pound, I was already involved, I already had this pony in my head and after what she'd just done, I had to believe her, I had to put my faith in her. She said she came with her friend, so innocents were at stake. I pulled the glovebox open--the pistol that I knew would be there greeted me, I slid it into the holster under my coat.

I wanted answers. If for no other reason, if there was nobody else involved, I'd still need to know. I pressed in the clutch, slid the car into first, and eased out of the parking spot. The four hundred cubic inch engine rumbled gently, or as gently as it could, as I eased my way down the parking structure.

I sighed. "Fuck it. Pinkie, we're going to the stockyards. I'm gonna find your friend, we're gonna figure this out, and we're gonna get you out of my head. There just isn't that much space up there," I finished with a laugh.

'Awww, and I was just getting comfortable in here! Say, Vicky, we should do something about your hair, I mean, you're plenty attractive, don't get me wrong, brown is a nice color, not putting you down... but have you thought about pink?'

"Definitely getting you out of my head."

~~

I was going to have a hard time explaining this when the time came, going off on a random investigation without telling anybody, without backup, without permission or a plan. Truth was, I couldn't trust anybody, and the people who I could trust I didn't want involved if everything turned pear shaped, like I just knew it would.

For all I knew, they'd lock me in a padded cell the instant they found out I had a pony in my head, or at the very least take my badge and gun. Well, badge anyway, I had no idea where my gun was.

I eased the car into the alley behind the stockyards arena, idling my way down the row as my eyes scanned for... something. I didn't have some super-secret sleuth methodology for finding 'clues' and then extrapolating some brilliant conclusion--most of it was hours of following hunches and turning over a lot of rocks.

And by rocks I mean garbage, because a lot of it involved sifting through trash; a disturbing amount, even.

So, it was a mixed blessing when I saw the body fly across the alley and bounce off a dumpster like a rag doll. I immediately killed the ignition and jumped out of the car. I ran over to the man, dressed in... all black. The ponies were involved. They had to be involved. Everything became cliche when they were involved, and this was a potential criminal in all black.

I checked his pulse, and he was alive. He wasn't getting up any time soon, but he wasn't dead. I turned in the direction he'd come from and... Well, it wasn't the strangest thing I'd seen in my life, but it ranked top five: the biggest damn pony I'd ever seen in my life was beating the tar out of three humans and two ponies at the same time. If not for the fire-engine red coat, I'd have thought he was a horse from this range.

And, despite being outnumbered five to one, he was not losing. Winning, if the limp body next to me was any indication.

"That is a damn big pony," I muttered, with a dumbfounded expression.

Author's Note

I wonder who that might be.

Chapter 4: Wanted

The Equestrian Hitcher

Chapter 4:

Wanted

"That's a big hole." Big Macintosh commented dryly as he climbed out of the car. He wasn't wrong.

"You are not wrong." Shining added with a whistle as he looked at the crater where the house used to be.

It was clean, far too clean. There were still parts of the house standing when I'd last been here, there had still been the slab the house had been built on, but this? Everything was gone, the pipes, the slab, the debris. "Somebody cleaned this up... or should I say somepony?" I asked with a look towards my present companions.

"It wasn't E.S.S. I've have heard about it," Shining dismissed with a wave of his hoof as he stepped up the remaining sidewalk towards the edge of the pit.

"Who else has the juice to pull off this kind of cleanup? It had to be ponies, we don't have the tech to pull this off this fast, there's no sign of heavy machinery here either," I added as I walked along the front edge of the pit. I looked over the edge, about six feet deep, and perfectly the perimeter of of the house, as if somebody just scooped it right out of the ground.

"There was something here we're not supposed to find," Shining said offhandedly, "This kind of cleanup though..."

"We're dealing with some really heavy hitters here, I can't imagine this would be easy for anyone, even a powerful unicorn," I added. Something about the situation was nagging at me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. A twitch on the back of my neck.

"Nobody thought It was strange? Where are the police, did no one call this in?" Shining asked as he pulled a ball of dirt out of the pit. His eyes narrowed as he examined the dirt floating in front of him. To me it was just a ball of red clay but--

I felt that twinge in the back of my neck again, my eyes snapped back and forth across my field of vision, something was... watching me? Big Mac said something, I wasn't listening anymore, that feeling was so strong. I turned my head to the east, past the Skylark, it was stronger in that direction, the muscles in my neck were twitching.

Palms were sweaty, hair was standing on end, I could feel my heart pounding, fight or flight response, every part of me was ready to spring into action, I could feel the imminent threat but what was it? Hands started to twitch, I could feel time slowing down, my eyes kept scanning.

A flash of light on a roof top, my body sprang into motion. My right hand went under my coat as my feet kicked off the ground, I felt the grip of the pistol in the palm of my hand as I drew the weapon in slow motion. I felt my foot impact the ground, I was moving as fast as I could, the flash was maybe six hundred yards out, not enough time, never enough time...

The pistol in my hand barked out three shots in the direction of the flash, my other foot hit the ground and started to push off, my eyes flicked over towards the direction I was moving; Shining Armor still stood at the edge of the hole, but he'd dropped the dirt, his eyes were wide, his head was turning towards me. His horn was glowing.

Ten feet left, I saw the spray of blood off his shoulder, it was a glancing hit, he started to stumble. I fired three more shots in the direction of the flash, dropped my shoulder, and kicked off my next step. I felt the thud of impact as I barreled into his side, felt all of the air rush out of my lungs as we both started to go over the edge of the pit.

Time returned to normal as we hit the dirt. I bounced off of the unicorn and landed on my back, he rolled with the landing and ended up back on his hooves, the blood was running down his left foreleg, but he seemed to be ignoring it.

"Where did it come from!?" He yelled as he stared down at me, his eyes were wide, his expression was one of unrestrained fury. He'd been shot, that was enough to make anyone angry but this... there was more to it than that.

I pointed my finger towards the east as another shot kicked up dirt on the edge of the pit, "Six hundred yards that way, top of the book store it looked like!" My neck was still tingling, heart still pounding, I'd never felt like that before.

Shining nodded and then disappeared with the sound of a whip crack and a flash of light, I could smell ozone on the air. He'd teleported right in front of me, I knew it was possible but I'd never seen it in person. It was serious high level unicorn stuff.

The gunfire stopped almost immediately and I vaulted the edge of the pit back up to street level. Big Mac was crouched low and pressed against the side of the car, using it as a shield, he looked at me questioningly; I pointed down the road at the book store.

"Watch out!" Pinkie yelled in my mind suddenly. I started to turn my head as the changes started, I felt the fur springing up out of my skin, and then the switchover happened. Well, I'd been planning to tell Shiny and Mac about it eventually anyway, right?

~~

I couldn't see, couldn't think, but I could feel. Everything felt... wrong, physically distorted, the last time she'd done this I was completely out of it but this time it was different. There was fear but also determination. I was a passenger in my own body, if... it was even just my body anymore.

My mind was cloudy but I could still grasp some concepts still drifted through, there was a sense of urgency but also purpose?

Feeling rushed back to me, my senses returned to me, like I'd been launched back into reality out of a slingshot. I hit the ground in a roll, my jacket protected my skin but the wind still got knocked out of my lungs.

My eyes snapped to the roof across the street, I knew where I had to look almost instinctively. The trunk of the car was open, I didn't know when that had happened but I knew the contents, another bit of information that I didn't know how I had. Did I know everything Pinkie had seen when she took over?

"Shiny!" I barked out, already moving again, heading for more cover. I couldn't think, didn't have time to wonder; it was as if I already knew exactly what I had to do and was just going through the motions to make it happen.

"Catch!" he yelled back, I heard the telltale sound of unicorn magic, tasted the ozone in the air. I shot my arm up into the air and caught the strap, the weight was exactly what I was expecting. It was loaded. Good.

I sprinted towards the shed in front of me as more gunfire rang out, there had been more than one shooter. I should have known, should have been more careful but... with all that'd been going on I wasn't exactly been thinking straight.

I flipped the rifle around in my hands and unfolded the stock from the side. It was an AC-556, when my dad had acquired and why it was in his car was a good question for another day, for the moment I was simply thankful for the leg up.

I jerked the oprod back as another shot kicked up dirt next to my cover, the shooter was bound to get lucky sooner or later. I had to make sure he didn't have the chance. The bolt slid home with a satisfying click, I snapped the safety off with my index finger and rolled the fire selector to full auto.

It wouldn't be efficient, but if I could get him to put his head down, then just maybe...

I heard the car's engine roar, it was as if Shining had read my mind. I spun out from behind the shed and drew the rifle up to my shoulder and squeezed the trigger, a five round burst barked out of the barrel of the automatic rifle and peppered the shingles of the roof across the road, the shooter ducked behind the ridge cap.

I snapped the stock closed and ran for the car like the devil himself was chasing me. The back door was open and I dove in head first, my shoulder hit the cushion and I tasted ozone again, I heard the door click and the car lurch and stall.

I looked over the seat and was shocked to see not Shining Armor, but instead Big Macintosh in the driver's seat. How he'd shoehorned himself in, I couldn't figure out, but I didn't have time to wonder. I stuck the barrel of the rifle out the driver's side back window and squeezed off another burst to make the shooter keep his head down as the engine roared to life a second time.

This time the car lurched forward and then kept going with a squeal of the back tires, we opened up distance on the house rapidly as the big red pony clumsily caught second and then third gear. I looked back down the road the way we'd come as the car clumsily turned a corner, taking us out of the line of fire.

I wasn't sure what bothered me more, that the entire block turned into a firefight or that nobody seemed to care. Whatever was going on, it was certainly bigger than me, I'd never felt so out of my element. That I was alive at all was more easily attributed to something like supernatural luck than any actual ability, I was, at the end of the day, a cop, not a friggin navy seal.

But I was in this, for a penny or a pound, I just had to keep pushing till I came out the other side, come what may. I owed Pinkie Pie this, though why I felt that way I didn't know. Maybe... no, best not to think down those lines, she wouldn't have done such a thing anyway.

"I can't rightly say I know why that just happened but," Mac started as he looked at me in the rear view mirror, "when were you going to tell us that you're Pinkie Pie?"

I sighed and slumped back in the chair. Why was I Pinkie Pie? Well, I guess in light of everything that was the easier question to answer, so why not give it a shot. "I'm not exactly... I'm who I said I was. That house... or rather the crater that used to be a house, that's where I picked her up. They had done... something to her. I think, somehow, she was bound to me."

"That kind of magic is forbidden," Shining Armor said with an edge in his voice, "But... it gives me an idea of what they had in mind, what they have in mind, and if that's the case we need to hurry before the girls really are out of reach..."

I didn't really know what to say to that, but I could tell that it was deeply troubling the white unicorn, I put my hand on his shoulder in a comforting gesture, he shook his head, "In light of that, however. I'm authorized to use any means necessary... even dark magics, if I have to."

"It's that bad?" I asked, still holding his shoulder.

"Imagine if a being of pure evil, and... to do this they would have to be the very definition of it... was able to get their hands on the power to reshape reality, to change anything or everything to what their idea of 'correct' was? This... This is as close as you could ever get to such a thing. That you found Pinkie in time... that may be our ace in the hole," he explained.

It was the 'Elements of Harmony' thing, I didn't entirely believe it but he seemed convinced, and he didn't seem like the type to put stock in voodoo, magic aside. "We'll get them back, all of them."

He nodded, "The first shooter, in his thoughts... I'm almost ashamed to admit what I did, but... I know where we need to go."

"Pull off here," I said suddenly, pointing towards a side road behind the local supermarket, Big Mac gave a non-committal grunt and downshifted the car, a bit less clumsily than fleeing the scene had been. Whatever Shining Armor wanted to tell me could wait, at least a little while.

I had to calm myself, I was smart enough to put a few things together at the very least. If they had wanted Pinkie, they knew I had her, and that meant they wanted me too. I'd put money on that being the reason they were trying to keep me in that hospital room.

I shook my head and looked up, the car had already stopped and Big Mac had gotten out. I realized Pinkie wasn't saying anything, switching places must really be taking it out of her. If she was even half as exhausted as I felt than it certainly made sense that she'd be quiet.

"So what have you got?" I asked the unicorn as I stepped out onto the hard-packed red dirt. My eyes lingered on the body of the car, surprised that it hadn't taken any hits. Then again, we'd been the targets, not the car.

"Reunion Tower. There was something important about that place," Shining Armor said with a shrug.

"That's it? I thought you read his mind or something," I complained. What kind of game was he playing?

"It's not exact, it's not like reading a book, there are... shades of meaning, colors, ideas. It's open to a lot of interpretation," he explained. "My sister would have been better at it than I am. Whatever is going on, that place is important to it."

I groaned and kicked at the dirt. Reunion Tower, if there was one place that I'd expect a cartoon villain to have his lair in Dallas, it would be there. So, it made some strange sense that with ponies involved it would take that kind of turn.

"We're on television," Big Macintosh commented.

I turned my head to look at the big red pony, his hoof was pointed up at an electronic billboard down the road, across from the gas station. Age, Species, Race, photos of all. We were wanted for questioning?

"We're in deep," I said dryly. "Wanted for questioning in the disappearance of national heroes? Why do I smell a setup?"

"Well, maybe we can blend in, go under cover, until we figure this thing out," Shining Armor offered. I was skeptical.

"An Asian, a Unicorn, and the biggest Earth Pony on the planet. Yeah, we blend in just fine," I muttered. "You know, they know I'm not stupid, putting my face up on that billboard means I'm going to ground, they had to know that."

"I've got an idea" Pinkie Pie said softly in my ear.

"So, you have a valid point," Shining Armor started, "Still--"

And he was silent, I could taste the cotton candy in my mouth again. The change was happening again, only thing time I wasn't blacking out. I felt my hands clenching into fists, felt the fur growing out of my skin, felt the ground getting closer.

"Well, that does count as a disguise."

Author's Note

So, happenings, etc.

Chapter 5: Pink Pone Riot

The Equestrian Hitcher

Chapter 5:

Pink Pone Riot

I let out a hoarse cackle at the absurdity of it all. In a way, this change—this most improbable, unbelievable change—was what finally solidified the reality of the situation in my mind. I awkwardly spun in place, all four legs and hooves shifting as my jacket (which somehow had conformed to this new shape?) shifted on my now bright pink flank.

I had become a pony, in the flesh. I couldn't blame this on a blackout, on drugs, on losing my mind; or, with the inclusion of Shining and Big Mac, a well orchestrated scam. I tapped my right forehoof against the hubcap of the car and was rewarded with a dull thunking sound.

"Pinkie?"

I snapped my head to the side, nearly toppling as I still wasn't used to my much, much longer neck. I locked eyes with Big Macintosh. There was hope in those eyes, hope that ran a little deeper than friendship. I shook my head slowly, "No, not this time."

I tried to take a step forward and nearly fell, I was still thinking bipedally. For this, I'd have to dig deep—even humans crawled around on all fours at one point, I just had to remember. I tried another step. One. Another, Two, Three, Four. It was clumsy, but functional, and I would only get better.

Big Mac's face fell, the hope fading from his eyes. I was beginning to understand: he'd come for his sister, but she wasn't the only one who held a place in his heart. Would he be a liability or a fierce ally? The dozen concussions he'd left at the stockyards lent credit to the latter theory, but only time would truly tell.

"I think this will keep us under the radar. They won't see the woman they're looking for like this. It's not perfect, but..." I trailed off as I looked back to the car, "I think the car may be exactly what they're looking for." I felt a tug at my heart strings, it was just a car, but at the same time it was familiarity in this confusing time.

I plodded over to the driver's door and stuck my hoof to the door handle—it latched on like a magnet. Pony hoof grip, one of the things I'd known about but never really thought about. Felt a lot like grabbing something with my hand. "I've got a place, let's hurry up and get there."

"What, just like that? No explanation? I think we've been pretty patient about this whole thing so far, Detective, but how do we know that you're not one of the ones who took our sisters in the first place?" Shining accused as he put his hoof on the door to hold it closed.

I eyed him from under my hat. "I just need you to trust me a little while longer. My face isn't up on that billboard anymore, but yours still are. Can we have this argument in a safer location?"

His hoof pressed a little harder. "Listen: pony-human transmutation is not possible. Even Celestia herself couldn't pull it off. You cannot turn a human into a pony, and you can't turn a pony into a human. I wanted to believe that you'd somehow found Pinkie Pie, but the more I think about it... The only thing that could even come close is a changeling, so forgive me if I just don't trust you,” he hissed under his breath.

My hoof snapped out before I really even had an idea of what I was doing, and I felt the solid hit on the base of his horn. I spun on him as he recoiled from the blow—I could see the anger in his eyes. I widened my stance. "Listen, this isn't a cakewalk for me! I didn't ask for this, I don't want this, but I'm still trying to help. Can we please stop fighting?"

Shining looked like he was ready to spear me to death on that horn of his. I could even taste the ozone in the air. "So, then tell me how you ended up like this! I've got the time, and I'm not getting back in that car with you until you explain it."

"You know, I dated a unicorn in college," I commented as I approached. "Learned a lot about magic—nothing that was ever going to be useful for me, but it was something to talk about to pass the time. That's why I know you don't want to try casting a powerful spell after that punch to the horn..." I sighed and sat down, "but never was it mentioned what would happen if a unicorn was shot in the horn while charging up a powerful spell."

"Are you threat--"

"No, I'm trying to explain. I went to that house to investigate... I don't know what. I heard a scream, and if this voice in my head is any indication, I think it was Pinkie," I explained, as I paced the length of the car. "I kicked the door in, got thrown into a table covered in syringes by a black unicorn, and absorbed a massive cloud of pink mist. Then I shot him in the horn and made him explode."

Shining stared at me like I'd grown a huge cycloptic eye right in the middle of my forehead. His look of shock slowly turned to a look of fear, and he backpedaled away from me. "I-I know what that is... but that... that's so horrific... so evil..."

I looked down at my hoof and back at the panicking unicorn, "What do you--"

"Soul binding! That's what they are doing, that's what happened to you! That's what happened to Pinkie. You're not transforming, you're both in the same body! The pink mist you absorbed was the very essence of Pinkie Pie. But... this is so horrifically dark, no-one would ever try it!"

"So, that must be how they planned to gain control of the Elements," I mused. "So, how do we fix this?"

"With enough magic..." He stood again, still shaking as he thought on it, "With enough magic, you could make a sort of a wedge, split the two entities and return them to their original forms. Celestia could probably do it with help from her sister, but.. without her... there might be another way, but there is a cost."

"And what is that cost?"

"A life. One life would have enough magical potential to do almost anything. Live sacrifices work and that's exactly why they are so very very illegal. Even attempting one is punishable with death... one of the very few capital crimes in the Equestrian Union."

I felt a sickness in the pit of my stomach. "I'm not feeling that one." I looked over at the car. "You know, I'm pretty confident that we'll find a way out of this that doesn't require human—or pony—sacrifice." Still... that sick feeling persisted, and I couldn't help but wonder what had been sacrificed to pull this off in the first place.

I chuckled darkly. "Yeah, soul binding huh?" I asked the unicorn, as I finally pulled the door open on the car. "Must be the answer. I never used to get this torn up about death."

"Still bothers me as much as it ever has. I'd hate to get so jaded that it didn't..." Shining mused as he climbed into the car, "Maybe you can consider this a positive influence on your psyche."

"You really think so?" I asked, as I fumbled with the ignition key. I felt the car shift—Mac must have gotten in.

"Maybe. Whatever makes you feel better about it right?" I glanced over to see his smirk. Cute.

The key spun easily in the ignition and the big, thirsty V8 engine roared to life, turning a few heads in our direction. Recognition was sure to follow, but I didn't plan to give any witnesses enough time for that to matter. I clumsily slid it into first gear, and the big torque-y power plant absorbed my novice level hoof control as I slipped the clutch and we lunged forward onto the road.

Being two thirds my original size, plus the loss of fingers... I could have done worse. Maybe I had Pinkie to thank for how quickly I was picking it up. If we really were just one entity, I couldn't help but wonder if we were going to get even closer, if we'd stop being different people.

Would she make me better? Would I make her worse? Privately, I'd always held the belief that ponies were better people than humans were. They didn't seem to express nearly the same magnitude of negative personality traits that we as humans did... and yet the exceptions to that rule were quite notable.

And Pinkie... She felt like a child, but that was only a front. I couldn't fully articulate how I'd come by that: a gut feeling, the kind that serves you well as a cop, but also something more than that.

'Pinkie?' I ventured mentally as I caught fifth and accelerated up to seventy five. She'd been quiet—I had no idea what the effect of all this transformation was on her, but if I lost her...

'I'm still here, I'm just... It's hard to keep focus all the time in here.' She paused, and I could feel the hesitation, like there was something she was leaving out. 'Don't worry about it Vicky, we'll be through with this soon enough. Once we find Twilight, she can fix everything!'

Shiny's sister. I felt a light headache forming when I tried to think about what she'd be like, knowing her brother for the little time I had. It felt like there were impressions already in my memory, but just thin threads I couldn't quite grasp at.

I shook my head and pushed it out of my mind. I couldn't afford to lose myself just yet. Going down that road seemed dangerous, reckless... and maybe there might come a time I'd need it, but not just yet.

"-ot a thing, that's called radar love, we've got a wave in the air, radar love."

My head snapped to the side, and Shiny was looking at me with his hoof pressed against the radio dial. "Well, it was quiet, and I thought that there might be an announcement on the radio if they really are serious about catching us."

I thought about that. They were looking for this car, or they would be very soon. "We can run, but don't hurt anyone if you can help it. We start shooting at cops, it won't matter if we're innocent... but if it's more of those people that shot at us this morning..." I sighed, "Well, for them I can be a lot more lenient about vigilantism."

"And if it is the police?" Shining asked with a raised eyebrow.

I grinned. It felt weird with my new mouth, but... nevertheless, I was feeling genuinely mirthful. "We find out exactly how fast this car can go."

"Bein' followed," Big Mac said suddenly from the back seat.

I was better than that, should have noticed it before a farmer from some backwater did. "Where?" I asked, looking over to the mirror, scanning my eyes across the traffic to a few hundred yards back. A hand-full of cars, a few pickup trucks, a Jeep...

"Eight cars back, motorcycle. Don't look right... been followin' us since before the gas station," he answered back.

I scanned the mirror: car, car, truck, there we go. Rider was head to toe in leathers, tinted visor on his helmet. Proportions were a bit off... not human, but close. Bit thin for what I had suspected, but that was easily explained by--

"Female catte on a sport bike," Shining piped up. "That's not something you see every day."

I downshifted and slowed into the right lane, there was an exit a few hundred feet ahead. I flipped the signal stalk and veered onto the ramp.

I kept my eyes glued on the mirror as I slowed to a stop at the end of the ramp, and sure enough the bike signaled and exited behind me. Granted, this wasn't definitive proof, but it was starting to look like the red one was correct. I pulled away from the stop sign as the bike ascended the ramp and crossed over onto the entrance ramp on the other side, back towards the interstate.

I shifted through the gears with purpose, all seven and a half liters of supercharged American big-block iron howled into the afternoon as the Skylark cannon-balled forward. I caught fourth as the speedometer crept up to 70, the wind was howling around the car by the time I hit fifth gear at 105, and the car kept pulling.

"She's still back there!" Shining yelled over the roar of the engine. My eyes bounced back and forth between the road ahead and the side mirror, and sure enough the bike was screaming down the ramp after us—she'd caught on.

My ears pivoted on the top of my head, and I could hear the scream of the bike engine behind us. She was giving it hell: we crossed 120 and she was still pulling up quick. I'd caught a decent look at it on the exit ramp a few seconds before, and if I was right we wouldn't be able to outrun her, but I wasn't about to give it up.

"I think that's a gixxer. Tops out at like one-eighty, so we're not gonna outrun her if it is—anybody got a plan?" I yelled as the speedometer needle settled in on 140. The car was getting a bit loose, but the road was straight and traffic was light. I could do it for a little while longer, as long as the engine held out.

"Cat involvement in this doesn't really bode well. I've never heard of them working as mercenaries before, they’re usually too ingrained in their clans to leave the union!" Shining yelled as I slalomed the car through traffic.

"Save the sociopolitical analysis for after we're done with this. I don't suppose you could pluck her off the bike with your TK?" I asked, as I pushed the pedal down further. The car started to protest—horsepower I had in abundance, but the car was still pushing a hell of a lot of air in front of it.

"I've been trying. I just can't get a grip on her!" He yelled back, the scent of ozone strong on the air.

The bike was close enough now to make out that it was, in fact, a Suzuki like I had suspected, and that the rider was a catte: the tail was a give away if nothing else was. She was armed too—some kind of rifle slung on her back.

Outrunning her was out of the question. I might have been able to outlast her fuel tank, but my engine wouldn't hold up to that kind of abuse long enough to pull it off. I had to try a different tactic. My eyes drifted off to the right. The frontage road along the interstate was on the other side of a fifty foot wide strip of grass... not something a sport bike would easily negotiate at high speed.

"Hang on, I'm gonna do something stupid!" I yelled as I turned the wheel. The car swung to the right and we crashed over the shoulder, hitting the bottom of the culvert hard enough to knock my teeth together. I felt the car start to rotate as we dug a trench in the mud, and then the sudden jerk of the tires grabbing pavement, the squeal of the back of the car starting to swing around.

I felt a thunk against the trunk lid as we finally hooked back up onto dry pavement, and the car swerved a bit as I brought it back under control and hit the brakes. Then, I nearly jumped out of my skin as the sport bike skid past the car, across the road, and into the trees on the opposite side.

Without the rider.

Chapter 3: Horse of a Different Color

The Equestrian Hitcher

Chapter 3:

Horse of a Different Color

'Schoooom.' If I had to describe the sound, it would have been that.

I had never been that agile before. Don't get me wrong, I was no slouch, even fairly athletic if I did say so myself, but the twist I performed after that first attack was something else entirely. The blast came from behind and to the right, I didn't have a chance, and yet I did.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up, and I kicked off the wall next to me into a back-flip and twist that shouldn't have been possible. My gun was in my hand before my boots hit the ground.

My head was starting to pound, and my mouth tasted of cake.

I saw the glow of unicorn magic charging up in the darkness; a second attack. So he wasn't done, well neither was I. Snapping three shots off, I heard them skip off the brick wall, and saw the unicorn's aura dodge to the side as it faded out. This one must have been a heavy hitter: most unicorn combatants would be able to keep their spells up during a simple evasion like that, but this one had to shut it down.

That was old-school magic. He was either unskilled, or trained in the old style: hit them so hard before they see it coming that they don't get up. This was fine for anything within the EU, but against human and high-tech opponents, a quicker, less powerful but more agile style of magic was needed.

Still, I had to wonder what his game was, and who he was. This was nothing like Explodey-the-Unicorn, who had been unskilled and frantic, but fast. The hair on my neck stood up again, and I jumped backwards as a dumpster crashed into the ground in front of me.

Okay, he knew exactly what he was doing. I hadn't expected that. I snapped the rest of the magazine out into the alley he'd ducked into, and kicked the magazine out of the gun as I sprinted towards him. I could hear the static buzz of magic charging up--I had one chance at this.

I slammed the backup magazine into the gun as I crossed the threshold of the alley, the slide fell with a click... and my feet left the ground. My eyes adjusted to the darkness of the alley and my gun snapped upwards to line up with the glowing horn in front of me. And he was... not a small pony. Not as big as the red horse down the other alley, but thick. White coat, blue hair.

He was definitely trained in the old ways: he was holding me in the air, could crush the life out of me in a second if he'd wanted to, but he hadn't thought to immobilize me. He didn't know anything about fighting humans, he couldn't have been involved with--

"Texas Ranger, put me down!" I forced out as I felt his magic start to squeeze around my midsection. All the blood rushed into my head, I started to get dizzy as I struggled to hold the gun steady, if he didn't let me go--

Gravity took over and I dropped like a lead rake. I landed on my right foot but lost my balance and ended up directly on my ass as I dropped my gun. I took in a sweet lung-full of air as I leaned against the brick wall, looked over at the pony. "It's been... Well I don't think I've ever pushed myself that hard," I offered with an exhausted half grin.

He looked at me, and I could tell his magic was just on the edge of lashing out again: I could taste the ozone in the air. He'd been holding back. An exceptionally powerful unicorn gives off ozone like that when they set off a spell. I couldn't say why but I'd always been able to sense it.

And as strong as the smell was, I didn't doubt he'd be able to level the city block if he wanted to. I decided to break the silence, since he wasn't likely to, "Detective Victoria Jensen, and you are?"

He shook his head, his two tone electric blue mane brushed across his forehead, the lighter stripe matched his eyes. I blinked, hesitated. "Equestrian Secret Service, Captain Sh-"

"-ining Armor." I finished for him. The name had popped into my head immediately 'Pinkie?' I thought quickly as Shining looked at me with confusion.

'That's Twilight's brother!' Pinkie practically yelled into my head.

"You've heard of me?" He asked apprehensively, as he took a step back. How was I gonna play this one?

"It seems we have a mutual friend. I'm looking for a pony who has a thing for rodeos. To be honest, her friend told me she was in trouble." I answered, hoping he'd take the hint. It seemed obscure enough to go over his head if I was wrong about his involvement, but there wouldn't be a lot of reasons for E.S.S. to be in Fort Worth otherwise.

His expression flash recognition and I knew that he knew. "So, this friend, where is she?" he asked as he edged closer.

I pushed myself onto my feet and collected the pistol from the ground, "You wouldn't believe me if I told you, but she's safe. I'm guessing big red over in the courtyard is a friend of yours?" I asked as I jerked my head towards the direction I'd come from.

"He's got a personal involvement in this... as do I," he answered slowly. He looked me over appraisingly, "So why are you involved?"

"I blew up a unicorn and a house and myself. Been a really interesting forty-eight hours for me," I shrugged and turned towards the fight still going on down the way. "I'll tell you more about it later, but let's go stop your friend from getting a body count."

I started walking, and the hoof-clops behind me were all the answer I needed.

~~~

"You've been quiet, Pinkie," I whispered under my breath while I watched Shining and the big red one 'talk' to one of the ponies that the latter had beaten to a pulp. The big one's name was Big Macintosh. I knew this because Pinkie knew this.

'Sorry Vicky, I kinda wore myself out helping you out with Shiny,' she answered. I couldn't just feel the tiredness in her tone, I could actually feel how tired she was.

"Well don't worry about it, just get whatever rest you can. We'll figure this out; find Applejack, get you out of my head. Have a party, with cake, balloons, streamers..." I hesitated. That wasn't my thought process. She must be rubbing off on me.

'Sounds fun!' she said with a little more energy. 'Shiny's coming back!' I looked up. He looked upset. I stepped away from the car I was leaning on and approached him.

"He doesn't know enough to be helpful. He doesn't know where Applejack is, or Pinkie, or..." he trailed off, and I could see him fighting back something, "Twilight..."

His sister. He didn't tell me, I knew. That would put anybody in a bad way. I began to hear sirens in the distance. I turned back to my car, and then to Shining, and put a comforting hand on his shoulder, "Look, she's not dead, I can almost guarantee it, but I get the feeling you're not here on official business. I'll explain what I know, but right now we've gotta get out of here. Grab Big Mac and let's split."

"How do you know his name?" He asked, as his expression shifted from upset to confused.

"Like I said, I'll explain later, let's go," I repeated.

Shining whistled and Big Mac's head turned towards us. There was some kind of unspoken communication between them, and Mac struck the captive pony across the head and knocked him cold.

"That's... one way of handling it," I said slowly with a raised eyebrow as I watched Mac stomp his way over to us. "I thought you ponies were supposed to be all gentle kindness and friendship."

"They kidnapped his sister," Shining said flatly.

"Touché."

I turned to look at the Buick and frowned. Shiny could probably fit in the front seat, but Big Mac was... well, Big. I opened the back door, "Shiny, you've got shotgun, the biggun's gotta sit in the back. Gonna be a tight fit."

~~~

"This was a terrible idea."

The first words I'd heard the big guy say. I couldn't fault his logic. "Just don't break the seat, okay? I didn't have a lot of options, and you're not exactly small," I complained back. I shifted the car into fourth as I merged onto the interstate. The engine let out a throaty growl as the speedometer needle crept up over seventy.

"Where are we going?" Shining asked as I settled the car into the left lane.

"Insane," I muttered under my breath as I signaled and changed lanes, "We're going back to where this started... or at least where I became involved. I kinda left in a hurry." That was possibly the understatement of the century.

"So what do you know?" I asked as I glanced over at Shining. He'd been there longer than I was, the fact that he and Big Mac had found time to rough those guys up was proof enough of that.

He leaned back in the seat, he made the act look natural despite the equine propensity to avoid that very position. Maybe he'd spent more time around humans than I thought. "They got Pinkie on the way to the vendors, caught her on a corner with no camera coverage, so they did their homework. From what we were able to tell, he wasn't..." he faltered.

"She's alive." I answered, the question he didn't ask but the suspicion was obvious. He gave me a suspicious glance, "Trust me, she's alive."

"Applejack got away, or at least that's as much as they know. They were hoping to jump whoever came looking for Pinkie in order to find her, they got Big Mac instead," he said with obvious smugness.

"I'm guessing you're not E.S.S.?" I asked over my shoulder to the pony in the backseat.

"Nope." He replied flatly.

"How verbose," I deadpanned, "So, here's where I come in then, the short version: I was investigating a horn harvesting complaint, figured it was bogus and I was right. Ended up in Kaufman, at the address given, broke in the door when I heard a scream. No vic, but I got ambushed by a black unicorn. I shot him in the horn while he was trying to kill me with magic and he exploded and turned inside out. This lit the house on fire, and then it exploded."

Shining stared at me slack-jawed as the scenery passed by the window. His glassy eyed stare broken only by the sound of a siren in the distance. "Wow."

"Yeah, like I said before, rough two days." I offered as I watched him rub the base of his horn.

Oh yeah, I had been shooting at him.

"And missing" Pinkie added helpfully.

That was a good point, and she probably had something to do with it.

I downshifted to merge onto I-20 eastbound, my eyes flicked to the mirror, there was a black van three cars back and two lanes over. My cliché sense was tingling, but I wasn't going to act just yet. Black wasn't exactly an unheard of color for vans, I'd just have to see how long we ended up going the same direction.

I signaled the turn and they got over into my lane as I hit the changeover, cliché sense was getting stronger. Maybe they just noticed the turn off at the last second, but I didn't hold out much hope for that one. Unhelpfully, Pinkie was completely silent on the matter.

"Shiny, Mac. There's a van that might be tailing us, old black Chevy, right lane, two cars back. Keep an eye out would you?" I asked as I accelerated back up to eighty, speed limit be damned.

I caught the glow out of the corner of my eye, Shiny's horn was lit up, a second later i heard the squeal of tires and watched the van pull onto the shoulder. "Shouldn't be a problem anymore," he answered calmly.

"What the hell?" I asked with an accusatory glare. They might have been tailing us, they might not, but innocent until proven guilty (or until they prove they're trying to kill me) I was still a cop after all.

"What? It's a very hot day, something that old, probably had old tires, these things happen..." he said innocently.

I wasn't sure if this was an indication of a guy with a can-do attitude who does what it takes to get the job done... or a loose cannon ready to take out the rest of his team.

Either way, I had this nagging feeling it was going to bite me in the ass later on.

Or... It might rub off on me.

Author's Note

So here's another chapter, cool things will be happening sooner than later. Plz do the read and comment thing. thanks.