Celestia was finally at the moment she spent every day for the last thousand years waiting for; the moment the sun went down and she was alone. For the past thousand years, she had been expected to smile benevolently for the whole of the day and give royal decrees on everything from troop allocation on the hostile Griffon territory front to what the official palace cheese should be (aged Bridledain Blue). And the only respite she got the whole time was when her bedroom door closed and she was left to her devices for the hours preceding her decent into sleep. It was a blissful period when she might milk her bubble bath for all the warmth it held or maybe plaid solitaire for an hour or two. If asked, she would spend her day without eating before she passed up these few hours of ‘me time.’
“So why am I so…” she couldn’t find the word to finish her thought. Celestia wasn’t sure what it was she was feeling, but it had nagged her for days, disrupting what should have been her favorite point in the day. In fact things should have been getting better, considering the time she usually spent running the country had been divvied up quite a bit lately, with not only her sisters return, but the rise of Princess Cadence and Prince Shining Armor. Even Twilight Sparkle had been made a member of the royal family, taking up a large part of the magical research department, as well as completely revamping the base monetary system of the entire country and taking a direct hoof in some new policies for the education system.
Celestia had found herself with time she had never before been able to properly enjoy, since even before Nightmare Moon had made her ill-fated attempt at a coup. Back then, she and Luna had been busy trying to placate the newly demoted unicorn royal family, and the militarist pegasus clans were fighting them at every turn, which incidentally was the reason that there was such disproportionate grouping of pegasi to the other races in the Canterlot Royal Guard. But now, she had so much time to do things she never had before; she had taken up botany, studied recent sciences alongside Twilight, and practiced art with her sister. There was room for more in fact, since she was exploring the aspects of a social life. The idea of attending more social gathering that she chose was infinitely appealing, she may even invite a colt friend of her o-
Celestia sat up abruptly. That was it! That was what she had been missing. In the last thousand years, she had allocated no time for herself, and most certainly not for a special somepony. She had always received love letters from infatuated nobles, and there was a reason the guards didn’t wear armor on their hind quarters, and it wasn’t for fear of restricted motion in battle, but she had still never accepted any advances. But now there was time, so maybe the reason she couldn’t enjoy her time alone was because it was so… lonely. It could be time to find a cute noblepony, or a dashing strong knight-pony.
“But how would I possibly find somepony who would fit that giant bill?” she still got those silly love letters from that infatuated duke in Fillydelphia, though he was certainly more in love with her shiny crown than her winning personality. She scrunched up her face and stuck out her tongue, remembering the buck toothed mamma’s boy. No, it certainly wouldn’t be one of those supposed ‘elite’ that couldn’t hold a conversation that wasn’t dominated by their own voices. However, that still left her original problem, which was that she had no colt-friend, and had never actually had a colt friend, even when she was young. Now, the age difference may have been a bit too much to traverse for any she might approach.
But there was somepony who had, and she had managed to marry the colt, and even had a talent based on the subject, making her an expert among experts. And fortunately, Princess Mi Amore Cadenza, or Cadence as she liked to be called, was in town for a party to commemorate the joining of their two nations, as were the Elements of Harmony. She couldn’t really expect much of most of them, but one had been reported by her student to be a real colt-killer. Celestia began tapping her hooves excitedly, a large grin on her face.
Unfortunately, her devices were not a secret for very long. As soon as she contentedly laid her head down to her pillow, her thoughts were laid bare for a certain Princess of the Night, who made a habit of checking her sister’s dreams first. Princess Luna giggled excitedly when she saw her siblings musings of lace and flowers held by a muscle bound, but as yet faceless colt. “Oh, sister, thou should know better than to leave thy dreams unguarded in our night.” Her boots clicked happily against the stone floor of the lunar balcony as she set out to gather her accomplices in mischief. “Such ‘fun’ we shall have in thy attempts at courtship.”
**********************
“Cadence, it is good to see you in such high spirits.” Celestia warmly greeted her smaller pink counterpart, the Princess of Love smiling ear to ear. “I admit, I was caught off guard by your demeanor during the signing of the union treaty.” Cadence had shown an uncharacteristically stoic side of herself, making no outward sign of emotion unless prompted by Celestia herself.
“I’ve been taking lessons in the ‘ten mile stare’ from Shining.” Cadence told her adoptive aunt sheepishly, speaking of the stare all soldiers were taught to keep their composure. “I read in the political archives that in the old days, showing too much emotion during something like this could have sent the message that I was being submissive in the agreement.” She stood up a bit taller, but retained her nervous face. “I wouldn’t have thought of it, but Shining pointed out that the Crystalites were lifted out of time by Sombra, so old school politics is probably headline stuff for them.”
Celestia nodded knowingly. “A conclusion I came to myself some time ago. I am glad to see you two are able to form such an effective team, since you two don’t have several millennia of experience behind you.” She lowered herself to the shorter pony’s eye level. “Though I would appreciate you not using the term ‘old-school.’ I was experienced when those tactics were new.” She stood up and motioned for Cadence to follow her to the small dining table out on the veranda that overlooked the famed Canterlot gardens. “It may be a moot point, since everypony already knows how old I am, but I like to think it is still rude you draw attention to a ladies age.” She grinned in mock pride “Especially one as attractive as myself.”
“I’ll keep that in mind, auntie.” Giggled Cadence.
“Now,” continued Celestia, moving on to more sensitive matters. “I did not ask you to join me just to gloat. I was hoping you might be willing to help me with a little problem.”
“Of Course, auntie!” she cried happily. “I owe you so much, anything I could do wouldn’t be enough to repay.”
Celestia gave a relieved sigh. At least she’s not going to turn me down. She blushed a bit and motioned for Cadence to lean in closer. “I was hoping you might help me find a colt friend of my own.” Cadences’ jaw dropped a bit, but it was mixed with an obvious grin of delight. “I haven’t got a clue where to start; I’ve never actually had one before.” Celestia’s face was getting a progressively brighter shade of red.
In spite of her adoptive aunt’s discomfort and obvious desire for secrecy, Cadence squealed like a schoolyard filly, and grabbed the older mare by the shoulder. “Oh Celestia, I always hoped you might come to me with this someday, though I never believed it would really happen!”
“Glad to know you put thought towards my love life.” Celestia grumbled, a little irritated that her personal life had been such a point of interest for the matchmaker. I thought it was just me, but what if everypony else thinks it’s important? “I took the liberty of inviting another, a mutual acquaintance of ours.” Celestia commented, disentangling herself from her zealous niece. “She should be arriving in short order. I felt a more terrestrial view, so to say, might fill any holes your upbringing may leave.” Cadence looked a bit hurt, but nodded and accepted it.
“So,” Cadence started, pouting slightly, “who’d you invite?”
The door opened, cutting off Celestia’s response, and the pony in question trotted into view, escorted by a solar guard. She was announced, and the guard left, leaving the three mares to themselves. “Princess,” Rarity began, “I was so glad to get your invitation.” She smiled and batted her well groomed mane, and it was obvious the already well groomed white and purple mare had put herself through the spa treatment of her life. She practically glowed, and it was not just her pride gushing out at the invitation. “I had always hoped we might spend time together, though I can’t imagine what you might need me specifically for.”
Celestia opened her mouth to speak, but was startled by the sudden gasp Rarity emitted “Is this about making you a DRESS?!” she zipped over to the princesses excitedly “Oh, I have several designs I had always entertained that would look simply darling with that radiant white coat of yours!” she turned to Cadence, transferring her point of focus “And Cadence, darling, your faded two-tone wings would look magnificent with a brushed flowing design!” she clapped her hooves giddily “Oh this is going to be simply marvelous! Just think how my career would skyrocket! I might finally get that shop here in Canterlot!”
During Rarity’s small rant, the two princesses smiled and sat politely, and when she finally calmed down, Celestia began again. “I’m well aware of your abilities as a dressmaker, and I would certainly like to take a look at those designs you spoke of. However,” Celestia raised a hoof “it is another of your talents I have hopes of tapping. Twilight tells me you are quite the heartstealer in Ponyville?”
Rarity blushed deeply, and rubbed her fetlock with her fore hoof. “Oh, well, I wouldn’t say I’m a heartstealer, though I have certainly been known to use my feminine charms where they may be expected to help.” She straightened up, and eyed Cadence worriedly. “Why, have I offended somepony important? I assure you, I’ve always been honest in my methods, and I never lie to those who might seek my affections.”
Cadence giggled a little, hiding her muzzle with her hoof. “No Rarity, that’s not really what I do. Aunt Celly was hoping for a bit of help from the two of us to get a new colt-friend.”
Rarity blinked in surprise, and asked “Really? But Princess, you’re the most beautiful mare in Equestria!” Rarity failed to mention that since her return, Luna had topped the chart twice in ‘Equestria Girls’ magazine, and the year before that that skinny twig model Fleur De-Lis held the title. “How could you possibly be having trouble finding a stallion?”
“I was hoping to find something a bit more meaningful, and while I do have the physical part down,” Celestia fluttered her eyelashes “I was hoping for a bit of help picking a good one. I confess, I don’t really know too much about courtship.”
Still Rarity looked confused. “But, surely Princess Cadence it more than enough? Why would you need my help?”
A little annoyed at having to say the same thing twice, Celestia answered her “Cadence, as the princess of love, is uniquely capable at initiating a relationship, and her high class upbringing grants her a particular knowledge of the noble class. She does not, however,” Celestia raised a gold shoed hoof, “have a working knowledge of the average stallion, or more specifically how to ‘woo’ one.” Cadence stood abruptly, intent on having her input, but Celestia glared her down. “Your magic lets you influence others existing bonds, not your own. You have only ever had one relationship before Shining Armor, and that was in prep school with a hoofball jock. You remember?”
She did. The “relationship” had lasted three days before she realized he was a complete tool, and kicked him to the curb. Shining had even tried to track him down, but passed on the confrontation when he turned out to be a convenient store clerk. Her then fiance had actually laughed when he saw how fat his ‘competition’ had since become. “Ok, so you might be right about me not knowing how to pick.” She sulked. “Can we just move on to the plan here?”
“Princess, isn’t that why we’re here?” Rarity commented. Cadence lowered her head some more, but Celestia was glad of her decision to have two consultants being proven correct; already one was covering the others metaphorical slack. She motioned for Rarity to continue. “Do you know what kind of stallion you’re looking for?”
A head shake.
“What social status?”
A shrug.
“Perhaps a particular region. The environment has a lot to do with manners and upbringing, you know.”
Celestia’s own head followed Cadences’. I did not think this through.
Rarity tapped her hoof against her chin thoughtfully, and a moment later she raised her hoof and inhaled excitedly, causing Celestia and Cadences’ mood to brighten a bit. “IDEA!” she exclaimed, her telltale action that signified a moment of inspiration or clarity, usually in her fashion career, but still applicable elsewhere. “What about a series of blind dates, or maybe a speeddating service? You could disguise yourself until you were sure you liked them!” Celestia thought it might be a good idea, but Cadence still had her two bits to put in.
“No, that wouldn’t do.” She adamantly shook her head. “The only stallions who go to those places are either desperate or weird.” Rarity grudgingly nodded her agreement. “But you might be on to something with the basic idea. We could have a casting call, like in a play.” Celestia, a born thespian, was very intrigued, and even Rarity was following closely. The idea that she may have nearly hit the nail on the proverbial head the first try seemed to excite her. “We could send an open invitation to a date, confined to a set amount of time, that a few screened and selected suitors could participate in here in the castle. That way, there’s quality control because the guards wouldn’t let any sort of pervert or weirdo in, and you don’t have the commitment inherent in regular dating.”
“Oh, what a marvelous idea!” exclaimed Rarity. “And we can let Princess Celestia select a few key features that all the suitors must have, so that way she can get what she wants! It’s groundbreaking, if I do say so myself.”
Celestia had to agree, and she decided that was the method to go with. “Then it’s settled. We will talk to the new guard captain, Commander Titan, and see to the preparation.” They all got up to leave.
**********************
Luna and her cohorts, her friends from Nightmare Night in Ponyville Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash, watched the scene unfold from a hidden balcony atop the veranda their targets sat upon. Even Twilight Sparkle had decided to come along, though Luna suspected it was to make sure they didn’t take it too far, which she could understand. They listened intently through the whole conversation, having arrived before the sun princess, and when the three left to contact the Captain, talking about the various attributes Celestia should pick to confine her matches, they began to speak.
“Oh, Princess, this is gonna be so good!” said Rainbow. “What should we do first? How about rainclouds in the waiting room for the suitors?! Or maybe hot peppers in the food!”
An equally enthused Princess Luna nodded mischievously. “Yes, we feel those would be a good start.” Tia had always disliked spicy foods. “Though perhaps we should take preemptive action as well? We have a lovely bottle of dye that might find its way into our sisters shampoo. We also happen to know she is deathly afraid of spiders.”
An unexpected voice of doubt spoke up in the form of a skeptical Pinkie Pie. “I don’t know, girls.” She said. “This seems really big to her.”
“Pinkie!” said Dash, “I expected it from Princess Egghead,” she gestured to Twilight “but are you really gonna be the party pooper this time?” the idea seemed to horrify the pink party pony.
Twilight came to her defense however. “No, Rainbow,” she lectured, “she’s right. This is a big step for Princess Celestia, and I think we should stay out of it.”
“Oh come on, Twilight, this is golden!” rebutted Dash. “You can’t expect us to just pass it up!”
Luna grinned sidelong at Twilight. “Or maybe thou would like to be one of the suitors, hmm?” she leaned close to Twilight, who blushed and tried to make herself as small as possible. “Thou always have seemed a bit attached to my beloved sister. Dost thou hope for more than the simple student-teacher relationship, Twilight Sparkle?” Twilight just mumbled incoherently, eliciting giggles from the others.
Twilight powered through her embarrassment, however, and looked fiercely at Luna and Dash. “I know I can’t get you to stop completely, but promise me you won’t completely ruin it? Who knows how much time it will take her to try again it this becomes a fiasco!”
Luna, unhappy with the dampening of her fun but equally unwilling to so hurt her sister, nodded her assent. She motioned for Rainbow Dash and Pinkie to do the same, and when all had given their word, Pinkie with her bizarre ‘Pinkie Promise,’ Twilight let out a small sigh of relief. At least she thought they won’t ruin Celestia’s chance at happiness.
With the agreement to not go overboard in place, and Twilight there to ensure it was kept, the group of older-than-average hooligans began their plotting.
**********************
“Maybe we could put this off for a few more months?” Princess Celestia had never been one to question herself mid practice, but there was a first time for everything. “One can never be too prepared, you know. What if the best ones are still far away?”
Cadence only rolled her eyes at the goddesses pre date butterflies. “Oh please, you’re acting like a schoolyard filly! The longer we put it off, the worse it’s going to be!” she chided.
“Besides,” put in Rarity, placing the final adjustments on the Princesses casual dress, “I doubt that anypony worth his salt wouldn’t put everything into getting here on time. This is the chance of a lifetime! You’ve been the most desired mare in Equestria since it was freed from Discord, and they wouldn’t be willing to miss this!”
Unknown to her two young helpers that was part of what scared Celestia the most. “What if they’ve built me up in their minds, and I don’t measure up?! What will ponies think of me then?” she was practically shaking in fear. I did not think this through!
“Princess,” Rarity said soothingly, “there is nothing you could do to lessen their opinion of you, and if you don’t measure up to their fantasies, then their fantasies are terrible.” She said it with such certainty that Celestia couldn’t help but be a bit comforted.
“Princess,” the steward called, drawing them all from their conversation. “The guard says the suitors are assembled, and asks if you would like to survey them.” Celestia nodded and the steward led the way. Well, this is it. The three were led to a small waiting room, and Celestia’s heart sank. There were so many! She saw at least twenty possible suitors, and what was worse was that in between their idle conversation, they were shooting some rather nasty looks at the apparent ‘competition.’ Rarity however seemed very excited, and even rubbed Celestia’s shoulder in anticipation. When she noticed the diarch’s apparent discomfort, though, she gave Celestia a questioning look.
“There’s so many!” Celestia admitted in hushed but panicky voice. “And they look so competitive! This is a disaster!” she was freaking out a bit now, but Cadence came to her rescue.
“It’s good there’s so many!” she told the panicking mare. “That means you’ve got the pick of the litter!” Rarity nodded her agreement, and Cadence continued “Besides, their all competing for you! At the very least, all of them are going to spend a lot of time trying to make this the best day of your life!”
This perked the princess up considerably, and the steward ushered her into the meeting room for the first encounter, the other two skipping off to watch from a distance.
“Gentlecolts, may I have your attention please?” Celestia called the room to order, and all the prospective matches gave her their undivided attention. Some sort of mishap had occurred in her short absence, and a number of them had been forced to retire their now wet clothes, but they seemed more than willing to forget it at the moment. “Thank you. Now, I trust the guards in charge of reviews told you the idea, but let go through it again to ensure you all have a fair chance.”
She wavered a bit at how excited some of them seemed to be, but continued none the less. “As I am sure you can each understand, it is difficult for a pony of my status and reputation to find a suitable relationship, and to be honest I have not attempted one in some time. So with a little help,” Cadence and Rarity blushed at the minor acknowledgement “I have set up this little ‘royal speed dating’ idea. I will spend at most four hours with each of you, in which we shall have our-” she blushed “date.” They were all nodding, and she found her composure. “I only ask that you have a tasteful encounter planned for our time together. Now, you may all return to your homes, or if you are from out of town, to your apartments. The first suitor will be contacted randomly in ten minutes.” They all were ushered out of the room, and one or two of them gave her what could be argued as somewhat suggestive glances, causing her to sigh.
And so the games begin.
**********************
And so the games begin, thought a particular blue alicorn princess. She and her cohorts, as well as the obligatory killjoy, all watched the suitors from a small acove in the side of the far wall that was led to by a secret passageway. Luna had discovered them years ago, and had used them to her sisters torment ever since.
“That raincloud was great Dashie!” exclaimed Pinkie Pie, the pink earth pony having to stifele herself with a hoof in her mouth since their first prank had gone so incredibly well. “Bt how’d you get it inside? Wouldn’t the guards have stopped you?”
“I told ‘em it was for the indoor garden.” She said proudly. “They just let me bring it right in, and I took it through the secret passageways till it popped out inside the room. How genius am I?”
Great, thought Twilight, she decides to grow an imagination the moment Celestia’s love-life hangs in the balance. She facehoofed from the back of the group as the other three giggled excitedly.
“So what next?!” Pinkie asked Luna. “Ooh, how about confetti poppers on the door of the carriage?”
“Maybe some thunder strikes while their eating?” Dash put in.
“We could ask Discord to follow one of them?” Luna said. Tia could never hide her temper around the draconequis.
“Switch the flavors of the foods their eating?”
“I got some ‘Essence of Plot’ spray at the joke shop. That stuff lasts forever!”
“We could write things in the stars during their date?”
Twilight cringed as they continued. Celestia was about to have a series of rather unfortunate events.
**********************
The first date of the first day was upon her. Celestia took a deep breath and motioned for the steward to bring him in. She was a little surprise when led by a solar royal guard, was another solar royal guard, an older grey unicorn in his dress whites with a riveted wall for a cutie mark.. "Princess, presenting Lieutenant Ironhide of the Equestrian Royal Guard." she was taken aback by the idea that some in her own royal guard were interested in her; she had always assumed they saw her only as a boss. The presenting guard left, and Ironhide approached the princess.
"Princess," he began in a deep voice. "it is an honor to be here. May I say, you look radiant, as always."
"Thank you, lieutenant, and I am glad you could come. May I ask what you have planned for us?"
“Of course, your Highness. I have prepared a chariot ride to the rainbow falls outside ponyville. Have you ever seen them?” he started walking toward the door and prompted her to follow.
“Yes, though it was many centuries ago, and they were still quite new at the time.” They walked quietly for a few minuts. Well, this is going well, she thought. Needing an icebreaker, she brought up the first thing she could think of. “You are a bit older than I had expected any of the suitors to be. May I ask what prompted you to come here, at so advanced an age?”
He laughed heartily, and told her “The same reason any old fart would've: a pony can’t simply pass up the chance to win the heart of Princess Celestia! Though I trust my age won’t be an issue in this?”
She shook her head. “No, it just struck me as odd. My sister has always been fond of older colts, though never in the romantic sense.” she recalled her sisters closeness to a particularly advanced stallion. “She would say the wrinkles are proof of experience, though I never saw the appeal.” She stopped and covered her mouth. “I’m so sorry, I meant no offense!”
Again he laughed that deep laugh. “It’s ok Princess. We can’t all age as well as you, though I can think of some who are trying their darndest. What I find interesting is how much your talking, and how honestly.” He looked at her curiously. “As you’ve pointed out, I’ve been around a while, and it doesn’t seem like your acting like yourself.”
“Oh,” she told him, beginning to walk again, “well my… advisors told me I should try and keep the conversation going. To be honest, I’m not one prone to small talk, so forgive me if I seem a bit uncouth.”
“It’s fine,” he said “honesty being the best policy and all. Now, were here, so hop on in.” they had exited the corridor they had been travelling, and had come to the castle chariot runway. He was gesturing to large wooden carriage, covered in gold leaf and green inlays, so she entered the near side. He walked around, and she expected him to gather pegasi to pull the carriage, but he simply got in next to her on the other side.
“Umm, are you forgetting something?” she asked pointedly. He didn’t respond, instead lighting his horn. As she watched, a pair of ethereal pegasi, complete with the Canterlot royal crest inside their wispy bodies, appeared in the carriage stirrups. He gave a satisfied nod, and with no apparent prodding, the ghost pegasi began to pull the chariot. “Impressive.” She said at length. “I’ve seen such spells before, but they are considered too complex to perform regularly. That you created such complete constructs is admirable.”
He puffed out his chest and said “And you won’t see that from no young buck, either. Took me years to get it down, and I dare them to try and do it better.” He gave a derisive snort. Before they could leave the platform, however, the pegasi dissipated. They rolled to a quiet stop, and Celestia gave him a poignant stare. “I-I don’t know what happened!” he exclaimed “I practiced several time yesterday, and it worked fine then!”
“It’s ok, lieutenant,” she calmed him. “let’s just get out and see what went wrong.” The climed out, the boisterous soldier a bit slower than when he had gotten in, and went to the front of the carriage. A small silver coin was embedded in the front of the carriage, a magic dissipant bit. “Well, that would be our culprit.” She noticed he was frantically trying to use his magic to pull it out, to no effect. “That won’t work, it will just dispel whatever magic you use on it. Do you have another carriage we can use?” he shook his head despairingly. “Then we shall have to ask some of the pegasi guards to pull it for us.” He agreed, obviously miffed at losing the chance to have a date alone with the princess, and went to gather some pegasi.
“Well, this is going swimmingly.” She said when she was alone. “Though I wonder how this got here? Their fairly hard to make as is, so why embed one in a carriage that is supposed to be drawn by ponies?” she couldn’t figure it out at the moment, and didn’t think to try, though on a side note she swore she could here hysterical laughing in the distance. “I hope the rest of these go alright.” She tried to psych herself up, but to no avail. She honestly wasn’t expecting much.
**********************
Celestia was having the time of her life! These colts were so imaginative, and she was doing some things she never would have thought to do on her own, like one dashing noblepony had taken her to the fair, which she had never been to due to her duties, or another who had taken her on an impressive one of a kind underwater tour. That had been her favorite so far, as instead of a simple walk through a glass tunnel, which is what it had started out as, he had opened the side hatch into the water and used his magic to create a barrier so they could walk on the seafloor and get up close and personal with some of the sea creatures. She had even gotten a kiss from a bottlenose dolphin.
Some of the others were expectedly bland, like an opera lover who had just taken her to the theater, to see a show she had herself introduced a week prior. One unfortunate colt, a young guardpony from Coltscove, had taken her to a quiet restaurant to watch the sunset of all things. He realized his mistake and began apologizing furiously when he saw her horn glow to put the heavenly orb to rest and make way for Luna, all from her seat. It was near time for the last date of the second day, and Celestia could only hope her sister had no further well-wishes.
At the moment she was alone with Rarity and Cadence however, and they were discussing the more promising attendees at the moment. “Did you see that mustache on the business pony from Amor St Amor?” Rarity giggled at her. “It was positively gigantic! It’s a wonder he doesn’t have to rest his head every now and then.” Celestia smiled fondly though, remembering the time she spent with the fuzzy suitor in question. While obviously a bit eccentric, he had surprised her with a ride on a moonlit dinner boat at the lake, where he had arranged for a releasing of hundreds of nighttime butterflies, as well as an impressive classical quartet to play for the duration of the dinner. It was unfortunate that the butterflies didn’t seem to want to leave them alone.
Now that she thought about it, a number of small and slightly discouraging mishaps had occurred. An unscheduled thunderstorm had passed over the ferris wheel at the fair, and singed the poor stallions tail. Or one of her dates had apparently experienced a mixup with his lunch order, leading to Celestia eating some of the spiciest food she had ever had, and considering the draconian embassador one hundred years prior had insisted on testing her pallet with some of his motherlands cuisine, that was fairly impressive. She had actually cut one short, as her sister had seen fit to wish her luck by writing a message in the stars on her last date. It all worked out however, as the colt in question’s wife had more than a few words concerning his attempt to woo the princess of the sun.
“One should not be so judgmental of the facially decorated, my little pony.” Celestia tsked halfheartedly. She though it was just as comical, afterall. “There have been many famous ponies with expressive facial hair. Starswirl the Bearded, to name an obvious choice, and the band ZZ Tophoof is known for their impressive whiskers. And such displays were considered the height of male fashion not too long ago.” Rarity conceded, though it was obvious they both were still getting a laugh at the stallion’s expense.
“Now, girls,” Cadence interrupted, “Let’s give them all a fair chance.” She thought a moment. “Most, anyway. I hope that cheating jerk gets dumped after the stunt he pulled.” She resolved that if she ever caught Shining with another mare, she’d make him fall in love with a cactus.
“So, who’s next?” asked Celestia. She was a bit excited, if slightly worn out.
“It’s another guard, but I don’t know him.” Said Cadence. “He must be new, and he’s got nightguard armor on, so I guess that explains that.” She looked at the small resume she had been handed by the steward. “It says his name is North Star.”
Celestia was a bit excited, if somewhat nervous. The nightguards had always been a mystery to her, and she obviously had never had occasion to speak with them. “Ok,” she said “I’m ready. You two go find a place to hide, and let’s see him in.”
She informed the guard outside the door that she was ready, and North Star was shown in. What struck her first was how normal he looked. He had a dark red coat, his mane was a shade of light red, and he even had normal pegasus wings and bright blue eyes. His Cutie Mark was, predictably, a huge silver six-pointed star. The second thing she noticed was how young he was.
“Hello, Princess.” He said, bowing formally, his well pressed dress blue uniform making him look very dashing in her opinion. Why does a colt in uniform always tickle my fancy more than the others? “It’s an honor to meet you, and I hope you have a wonderful time with me.”
“It’s ok, you can calm down. This is a date after all.” She waited for him to relax, and asked “You seem a bit young. I was sure I set the minimum age limit at twenty.”
“I’m actually nineteen, your majesty.” Despite his admission of guilt, however, he still seemed quite at ease. She gave him a suspect look, and he clarified. “I’m friends with one of the surveyors, and he knows my birthday is only a couple of days away, so he cut me some slack.”
She supposed it was alright, so she let it pass. “So, may I ask what you have planned for the night?”
He smiled and, with all the confidence of an Olympic gold medalist, replied “Nothing.”
She stood and stared at him, waiting for the punch line. When none was forthcoming, she narrowed her eyes. “You’re not off to a good start, you know. I don’t know if you noticed, but you happen to have some competition here.” She was put off, however, by how confident he still seemed to be, and when he chuckled she was even more confused. “Did- did I miss something?”
“Not at all princess. I just thought that since you have been going on lots of dates with lots of ponies, all with big ideas of their own, we could do something you want to do for a change.” He said it as if it was the most regular thing in the world, causing her to be further confused, and a little intrigued. While all the rest had spent plenty of time talking about her, he was the first one to let her decide what to do.
Celestia thought a bit, and a simple, but very enjoyable idea came to her. She used her magic to undo clasps of her dress, and began to shimmy out of it. When she got it off with a huff, she looked to North, and giggled loudly.
He was standing awkwardly for the first time, his mouth open and his eyes wide, not to mention a deep crimson tint to his face. “Don’t get excited.” She teased. “I just won’t be needing it.” He shook himself, and with a small embarrassed smile, followed her out of the room.
**********************
The quartet of pranksters had been having a blast, none more than Luna. They had started a butterfly love fest around one date, had left stink-bombs in one’s carriage, made a middle aged guard squeal like a filly when they put a caterpillar in his salad, and Luna had had a fit after writing ‘Good luck on your date Tia! Don’t eat too much!’ above her sister on one particularly nasty date. Pinkie had somehow even arranged for the colts wife to arrive at the same time Celestia cut the date short.
At one point though, Luna had spotted a pack of condoms one had brought decided such an uncouth stallion had no place with her sister. Celestia seemed to agree even, once the evidence of misconduct somehow found its way onto the table next to him as he paid the check. At least now we can say we were helping, thought Luna.
Now, however, they were a bit confused. Celestia’s last date of the night had let Celestia choose their location, preventing any sort of preemptive action, and more irritating Celestia had chosen to go to Pony Joe’s Doughnut Café of all places, making it difficult to cause problems. Joe did not tolerate pranksters, even royal ones. Now, they were listening to the couple’s obviously forced conversation on the weather and being new to canterlot from across the room, from behind a ‘u-can’t-see-me’ barrier spell Luna had cast, as they tried to come up with a covert way to sneak a trick in past the former guardpony.
“What do we do now?” asked a bored Rainbow Dash. “The bartender won’t leave us alone, so how do we prank them now?”
Luna was having a bit of trouble herself. “Our pranking cannot be ostentatious, lest it draw the wrath of the barkeep and by extension our sister.”
“what about that flavor changing idea?” said Pinkie Pie. “We haven’t tried that yet, and it could be really funny!”
Twilight was sulking on her own side of the table, glaring at them. “We should leave this one alone. She seems to like him, so we can’t get in the way, or it might ruin it for the princess.”
“Come now, Twilight.” responded an irritated Luna, fed up with Twilights constant negative attitude towards pranking. “This will be a simple one. For all that is known, a prank on such a small scale mayhap even help yonder sister… in… her…” Luna didn’t finish her thought, instead thinking hard, hoof to chin.
“What is it?” Pinkie was a bit worried by the sudden silence.
Luna spread a wide, malicious grin. “Perhaps that is what my dear sister needs. A little help.” She magically produced a bottle of brandy whose taste would be hidden by the strong flavor of Celestia’s tea. She spied the awkward conversation. “Or mayhap we could call it incentive.”
**********************
“So the Night Guard aren’t actual Threstrals?”asked an unknowingly inebriated Celestia, the slightest of slurs present.” I thought Luna brought them with her when she came back.” Celestia and her date were having a passionate conversation about the side of the royal guard she had never really had time to work with. Neither noticed that their cups had spontaneously changed, that the tea tasted kind of funny, that the server had changed, or that both were slightly red in the face.
“She did,” said North Star, “and some of them are, like Sunshine Smiles and Meadowlark Breeze, those two that follow her around all the time.” She gave him a questioning look. “One has an eye-patch?” he placed on hoof over his eye to illustrate the point, and when she showed she understood, he continued. “But apparently Threstrals don’t like fighting too much, in spite of what other ponies think of them, so not many joined the guard. But Princess Luna still wanted a batpony guard, so she had a bunch of armor made by them that has the ‘Threstrals Blessing’ which makes us look like them.” Celestia had never known that, and had never even checked on the ways of the Threstral race luna had brought to Equestria. I’ve got some reading to do on our new neighbors, she thought to herself. “Besides, there is no actual Nightguard and Dayguard divisions, we just get different armor depending on our shifts; it’s actually all the same ponies.” He looked at her quizzically “I’m surprised you didn’t know that.”
She smiled sheepishly, her drunken blush deepening. “When the Nightguard was first established, Luna begged me to let her handle the whole thing. It seemed really important to her, and it was going to be her first royal act since coming back, so I decided to stay out of the entire affair. Now that I think back, I probably seem like a complete ninny to some of the guards, since I actually took the time to introduce myself when I first met some of them.” She giggled at the now embarrassing memory, and so did North Star.
“I have to ask, you know,” she said slyly. “Did you really intend to do this from the start? It seems like a bit of a gamble to me.”
He shrugged and said with a grin “I thought it was a pretty safe bet. Though, to be honest if it hadn’t worked out, I used to work at the movie theater and I could have gotten us in to a private showing. Would you like to have seen ‘the Dark Knight Rises?’ Meadowlark Breeze insists it’s about him, and not a Batstallion movie.” They both laughed a bit, and she was surprised how great such a simple date could be.
“You know,” sighed Celestia, “this whole thing, this dating business,” she gestured around as if all the other dates were present, “well it’s always been a bit of a mystery to me.” She placed a grateful hoof on his shoulder “I’m glad sompony like you decided to come and show me a different way of doing it than extravagant shows and fine dining.”
He gave a sincere and warm smile “Well, I’m glad you had fun. Though, I confess, I didn’t expect to have a chance.”
Celestia gave him a heartfelt look “Your wonderful. Don’t let anypony tell you different.” They locked eyes; Celestia felt her pulse quicken; what was with this tea?; they leaned in. just at the moment of truth…
**********************
Three mares in the corner laughed at the pair across the room, and one sat mortified that she had participated. The brandy had proven the perfect touch, and after a magically disguised Luna convinced both the current server as well as Pony Joe to let her take the table, saying the young mare should take a break, she had continually slipped a healthy serving of brandy into their tea cups. They had actually begun to drink faster once the ruse had begun, their bodies unconsciously recognizing the alcohol, and unanimously conspiring to get more. While they failed to notice, as every drunk pony does, that they were getting more and more silly, the mares in the corner watched as they started a small ruckus, laughing loudly at an inside joke, or generally made fools of themselves. At some point, they found it a good idea to try and get doughnuts around the horns of some of the unicorn patrons in the room. By the time they had calmed down, most of the other patrons had left, either from annoyance or the late hour, and Pony Joe and the waitress went looking for the imposter waitress who got the Princess drunk in their doughnut shop.
“Oh Tia, thou never could hold thy liquor.” Giggled a bemused Luna. “Now we shall have stories to torture thee with when the night is passed.”
“Luna, you should feel ashamed!” fiercely whispered Twilight. “Exploiting your sister like that! You may have ruined her reputation around here!” contrary to Twilight’s scolding, however, Luna felt no shame whatsoever.
“Come on, Twi!” Rainbow grabbed Twilight and pulled her into a lighthearted hug. “Don’t be such a buzzkill! You wanted to come with, so stop trying to steal our fun!”
“Yeah!” exclaimed Pinkie “You should make fun instead!” she gasped at some sort of epiphany “You should pull a prank, too! That would make you see how much fun it is!” Rainbow an Luna began crowding in on her.
“Yeah, Egghead! You should pull a prank!” Rainbow was bouncing like pinkie she was so happy. “Joe and the waitress are gone, so this is our only chance to try!”
“B-but what if I ruin the date?” stuttered Twilight, backing into the now too small part of the booth they were in.
“There is no danger there, Twilight Sparkle.” Luna gestured to the pair, who had entered some conversation about Threstrals. “The four hour mark is nearly up, so our guards will be coming to collect her soon. Thou shall not be interrupting anything in particular.” They all started closing in on the purple alicorn, pressuring her to pull a prank on her mentor.
Twilight began to panic, and tried to think of anything that might work, when she saw the small chairs the shop used. At the continued insistence of her company, she cast the only spell she could think of.
She watched the spell go, and too late noticed how close the two were to each other. And at the moment of truth…
**********************
The first thing Celestia registered was the loud cracking below her. The second, the swiftness with which she fell flat on her bottom. The surprise caused her to fail to find her balance in time, and she unceremoniously fell to her back, her hind legs kicking the table onto her date and dousing them both with doughnut sugar and hot tea. She looked to North Star in shock, and he stared back, equally surprised.
“Well,” he said, not taking his eyes of the princess, “I heard you liked cake but…” he caught himself too late, and he saw the princess’ eyes water and her face scrunch up. “oops”
Celestia’s pitiful wail started out as more of a high pitched whine, and quickly built to full on bawling. Before anypony could move to help her, however, she teleported out of the room in a blinding flash.
Strangely enough, he noticed, the crying did not stop when she left. Wait, that wasn’t her, it was coming from behind him. He turned to see Princess’ Luna and Twilight, as well as two other mares he didn’t know, staring at him. Princess Twilight was the one crying now. “Wow, way to go Twilight.” Said the cyan blue pegasus with the rainbow mane. “I said prank her, not crush her self esteem.” However, Princess Luna struck the pegasus upside the back of the head.
“This is our fault and you know it.” She said. “Twilight would never do something like that if we hadn’t pressured her.” She sighed and her horn began to glow. “I shall go console my sister, and I expect you two to take Twilight to the castle. All four of us are going to apologize for this.” And with that the Princess of the night disappeared. The other mare, a poofy pink earth pony, started guiding the blubbering princess out of the store.
“It’s ok, Twilight. She’ll forgive you, please calm down.” The princess, however, was headless of the pink one words, and all the way through the door North Star could hear her listing off the punishments she expected to receive, such as dethroning, banishment, and magic kindergarten to learn the proper time to use magic. The door closed behind them, and through the window, he could see the Princess of love and another well coifed white mare join them.
“… What just happened?”
**********************
The next day, after some soothing and apologizing and explaining, Celestia was still more than a little furious with her little sister, as well as Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie. Twilight only escaped her anger at the insistence of the others that she had only come along to keep them from going too far, and that the spell she had cast had only happened because they had pressured her to participate. Not to mention Celestia found the sight of Twilight crying both so pitiful and so adorable that she couldn’t bring herself to stay mad at the purple princess.
It took a few good swats to their rears as she chased them around her bedroom, and more than a little comfort ice-cream, (which if you think about it is kind of a poor way to comfort oneself in this situation) but Celestia finally forgave the three prank instigators, though, secretly, Rarity had promised to make Rainbow and Pinkie pay for their parts.
“Now,” she said hautily “I hope you realize how much this hurt my feelings, and that there is a time and place for practical jokes, and that one must decide carefully when those are. You may end up hurting a good friend.” They all nodded solemnly, even Luna. “Good.”
Still though, her hopes were ruined, and she wasn’t sure she had the heart to try again. Maybe in a hundred years or so. Start with a new slate. They all left the room and Celestia was alone for the first time in days. Sigh. “At least I had a good time in between.” She was just laying down on her bed, ready to go to sleep immediately and ignoring the still irritating feeling of being alone in her alone time, when a knock cam at her door. She groaned. “Twilight,” she said, opening the door, “I said I forgave you, please just let me-“ her voice caught in her throat. Standing at the door, looking a bit bewildered but still charming, and holding a massive bouquet of flowers, was North Star.
“Sorry, Princess. I can come back?”
“No!” she scrambled to her feet, flustered at being seen in such a state by him. I wonder why that is? She thought to herself. She snapped her attention back to him and found her regal calm before addressing him again. “No, please stay. I was hoping to talk to you, maybe explain what happened.” She beckoned him in and once he was situated at her small coffee table she told him what had actually transpired.
“Well, that’s one way to break the ice I suppose.” He laughed, and his response put her at ease.
“Yes,” she said with a smile, “though I do wish it hadn’t escalated so. While I do not feel that being inebriated was the best state to be in for it, I still had a wonderful time.” She took on a slightly forlorn appearance. “I only wish it hadn’t ruined our date.”
“On the contrary, princess.” He stood and offered the flowers again. “I think their antics may have been pivotal to our date. Besides, can you say their pranks weren’t a good part of some of the rest of your time?” now that she thought about it, they had been a great icebreaker in some, fun in others, and helpful as well. “Though,” he said coyly, drawing her attention. “if you feel that strongly about it, we could always try again? Say, at a private showing of a movie of your choice?”
I’ll never hear the end of this from Luna, Celestia thought as she rose. Though, I suppose she may be entitled to it this time. She turned to North Star. “I would love that.”