bleak/reverse

It was ten minutes shy of midnight; The only light source was the pale, hopeless, florescent blue light of the kitchen. They were gonna be gone in less than a week. Why should I have been happy at all? I was going to be alone again, and to top it off, it was the one-year anniversary of my girl's passing. Worse yet, I had to recall it, verbally, mentally, and emotionally.

I stood at the kitchen sink, resting on my elbows as my arms crossed each other. I only wanted to tell one of them about it, and it was the one who gave me that odd, yet comforting feeling on their first day; None other than Twilight. So, I stood there, waiting for her. I knew that what I was about to tell her might change her opinion of me, for better or worse. Same with the others of the group, since she would relay it to them.

Didn't take her very long to show up, ready to listen to what happened that fateful day. Makes me wonder if she was expecting this. Maybe she's been through something like this before.

"So, you really want to know?"

"I'd like to, yes. I always try to help those in need as best as I possibly can."

I took a deep breath and released a heavy sigh. Recalling...no, reliving what happened one year ago was going to be painful. If I didn't tell her, though, then they'd keep bugging me about it.

I tried beginning the story. "Alright then...well..."

I stood there for a minute, still thinking of how to say it. I took another deep breath and let out another sigh, as my brain raced to come up with a way to get out what needed to be said.

"Alright...so, one year ago today, something happened that...uh...changed my life. It changed me for the worst, because my life was, in my opinion, as perfect as it could possibly get. It was a negative change, a change I didn't want, a change that nobody in their right mind would ever desire. I lost my parents way back before this happened, so all I had was the woman I loved, she was my sweet. She loved me back, we did everything together. When she was sad, I was sad. We made each other feel better in more ways than one, y'know...anyway, a few months in, she tells me that she's been...forgetting things. Just simply forgetting, like she couldn't remember anything we did the week before. At first I thought she had something like Alzheimer's, but then she also told me that she had been feeling less energetic and outgoing. I could notice that one, I didn't think it was anything too serious, though."

I took another deep breath, let out another sigh. In the corner of my eye, I noticed Twilight was listening very carefully, even leaning closer just to hear what I had to say. I continued on.

"A few days pass, and she's sick. Nothing too serious, she got better the next week...only to turn around and become ill again. I was starting to panic a bit, I wanted to take her to a doctor. She wouldn't let me, though. She said it'd be "too painful for me and you"...it wasn't until later that I found out what she meant by that. The next day, I try calling her, and she doesn't answer the phone. I dialed her two more times, no answer. I got in the van and drove straight to her house. The front door was locked, her parents weren't home. I kicked the door right down and I ran in, screaming for her name. My gut was filled with a flinch-worthy feeling of anxiousness and panic mixed into an emotionally draining cocktail. I ran to her room, and she was passed out, face down on the floor. I get her into my van, and I went to a doctor. They told me to wait outside. Few hours later, the doc asks me if she had been experiencing anything abnormal recently. I told her about the sickness, the lack of energy, all those things. They were going to check her for A.I.D.S. Since you probably don't know, it's a virus that kills most of the people infected by it."

I chuckled softly to myself as I could already picture what I was going to say next. It was almost like some sort of sick, twisted comedy. Twilight had a slight, but visible frown on her face, but she was still immersed in the story. I continued.

"Anyway, right then, I remembered what she said about a trip to the doctor being too painful; It was then that I realized that my intimate encounters with her may have led to her death. I never got myself checked for any life threatening diseases and such. I got checked, and through some miracle pill that only worked for men, I was cured. I wish I could have said the same for my girl. All I could think about at that time was the fact that she was dying from A.I.D.S., because of me. I was blinded by love to the point where I killed it. Few days later, I get a call from the doctors telling me that she's only got a few hours to live. I get right down to the hospital, and I make a sprint to her room. She was lying there, on what was going to be her deathbed. She held my hand as I held hers. I got on my knees, cried, and told her "I'm sorry" more times than you could count. She never responded, but continued to grasp my hand. My face was buried in her arm. I looked up and her eyes were closed, never again would they open."

At this point, I was holding back sobbing. My voice was starting to crack. Twilight told me that if I wanted to stop, then I could. I was already too far into the story to even consider stopping it, so I continued.

"On the drive back home, I heard those songs. Those songs on the radio from earlier today that I didn't like, remember? Their lyrics were stuck in my head, repeating themselves like a painful drum of guilt. Perhaps someone up above knew of my guilt and punished me with music. A week later, they held her funeral. I didn't attend because I was too ashamed. After all, I was the one who killed her. I contemplated various suicide methods. Couldn't drown myself, as I never had a tub deep enough for that. I didn't have a rope or a tree to hang one on. Cutting my wrists would have taken too long. In my eyes, a criminal should pay up as fast as he can. I chose the next best punishment for my horrible crime; Sheltering myself away from the world. I stopped talking to everyone, I asked my rich uncle to pay for my house and things so that I wouldn't have to deal with as much of the outdoors or other people, and I have been letting myself rot in here since then, since that day, that horrible day...when I killed the woman I loved."

Twilight stood there, completely awestruck, yet with a look of sadness and extreme pity on her face.

"So, that's it. Now you know why I am the way I am. If you think I'm some evil killer now, then good. Just get out of here as fast as you can and leave me to perish, let me have the punishment I deserve."

Twilight simply walked up close to me, and gave me a warm, comforting hug. I returned the favor.

"It wasn't your fault," she said. "Bad things like this happen to everybody at some point. You didn't do it on purpose...but I'm so sorry that she's gone, and that you're feeling like this...you're a good man, Stephen. You don't deserve this."

"I do, though. She died because of me."

"But you didn't do it on purpose. You didn't even know...I just don't want you to feel like you're going to hurt yourself even more, because of that. You've done so much for us. You're our friend."

"You won't be here to witness me anymore, soon. There's no point in caring about how I feel, for I am a shell of what was once a man."

Twilight didn't respond. She just kept up the warm embrace. It felt so comforting yet bittersweet; comforting because it reminded me of how my girl hugged me, and bittersweet because I knew in less than a week, they'd be gone, and I'd never see them again. But I knew that I deserved it. that I deserved to be alone for the rest of my days. Because in the end, she did die, and it was all my fault.

From that point on, I desperately wanted them to hurry up and leave, so they wouldn't stall my punishment any further. They don't deserve to be in a world where I am alive.

My girl is in heaven, and I'll be in hell. No amount of so-called reassurance from a group of talking cartoon horses are going to change that.