No...
No...
Nothing in here either...
…
…
…
Who is it?
Oh... I... just please give me a moment! I need to clean up this mess that I made...
No... no I don’t need any help. I just need a minute.
…
No, wait! Please don’t come in! I’m not read—
…
I didn’t want you to see my library like this.
No, it’s not okay! I shouldn’t have pulled all these books out! I always tell Spike to take one out at a time if he’s going to read them, and I should be doing the same thing. I need to set a good example for both him and myself. Just because they are my books, doesn't mean that I can throw them haphazardly around.
I... okay. Thank you for helping me pick them up. I’m just... I need someone to talk to. Thank you for responding to my letter.
…
Please… just call me Twilight.
...
And, that’s the last book. Finally... now we can talk without the risk of slipping. Can I get you anything? Food, drink, a blanket? It’s very cold out tonight, and I remember Rainbow Dash saying something about the night only getting colder. Do you feel cold at all?
Okay. I’m just going to sit... um... I’m going to go up to my room and get you a chair. I can’t have you sitting on the floor. That’s uncomfortable and not very polite for a princess. I’ll be right back. I’m so sorry.
…
…
…
…
Here, I took the most comfortable chair from my room and brought it out for you.
It’s actually... the only chair in my room, so you can sit in it. It’s fine, I’ll just sit on the floor.
No... it’s fine. You need to be comfortable so that you can give the best diagnosis. You are the guest, after all.
No... please sit down. I don’t need the chair.
No... I don’t. The chair is yours. Just... sit in it.
I... no that's not an order. I would never order you around.
I’m fine! I don’t need the chair! I brought it out here for you!
Will you just... fine. I’ll sit in the chair.
…
There. Are you happy?
…
I’m doing fine...
Yes... fine.
I’ve slept... recently. I’m not tired. I’ll go to bed when I’m tired, which should be sometime soon.
Maybe I’ll go to bed when we finish with this visit. I just... can’t go to sleep right now. I have too much on my mind to just lie down.
I don’t... know what I want to talk about. But... that’s what I want to talk about! Why don’t I know what I want to ask?! I should have had my questions scheduled and ready on notecards for you. But when I sit down to try and organize my thoughts... I just... can’t. There are so many questions... and not enough time to ask them all. Which one gets priority? Which one can wait until next time? Will there even be a next time? Am I scaring you away already?
I can’t relax! I’m completely changed! In one day, I’ve completely changed my best friends’ destinies, changed them back, grew wings, and now I’m apparently a princess!
Yet I have no clue why.
I’m not supposed to be a princess! I’m Twilight Sparkle, not Princess Twilight Sparkle! I’m not special, I’m not important. I’m not better than anypony else.
…
I guess… yes… now I know what I want to talk about.
...
I’m scared because I don’t know what’s going to happen next. I just want to be Ponyville’s egghead, the librarian that everyone turns to for a book and nothing more. I don’t want to have everypony coming to me for advice! What if the advice that I give them is wrong?! What if I ruin their life because I don’t know how to solve their problem and I give them an answer that doesn’t work?!
…
No... I’m not a teacher, since I don’t have any of the answers that the public would want. I can lecture ponies on the physical matter of unicorn magic. I can give ponies advice on what the quadratic equation is, or the force of an object that hits the ground, but I’m not a teacher on friendship.
A teacher is someone who knows what to tell you. She knows what to do when you have a book report due in three hours, but you had spent all of the time reading on a tangent about dragonfly mating rituals. She knows what to say when you feel like your eyes are going to become a fountain in front of her due to the stress and fear. You didn’t finish your book report. It was due today, but you were just so curious and you wanted to learn more! Why does a student have to be punished if all they want to do is learn?!
But then… you aren’t punished. You expect the words of condemnation to fire down on you like a cockatrice’s gaze. You expect to hear the words “I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed” shatter any hopes that you had of a good day. But that doesn’t happen. Instead, a reassuring hoof is your guide, along with the question of whether or not you had trouble with the assignment. Your fear melts away under the hoof and you decline, only to say that you’ll have the report done tomorrow. After eight hours and the curse of bloodshot eyes, you manage to complete the report. The glimmering eyes of your instructor as she looks over your words and smiles with each turned page is what you live for. Within the hundreds of pages that you turn to create those few scrolls for her, it feels like the beauty of the book’s prose pales in comparison to your instructor.
Books are able to paint love, loss, tragedies, and struggles within their pages. Now with the magic of hindsight, I know that all of these traits were echoed within my teacher. The hesitation of giving your filly one extra ice cream sandwich before bed, or having to punish her because of hidden wrappers under the bed. The desire to spoil your filly, but the reminder that it doesn’t help her by doing so. The pain that echoes through your blood like poison when you see tears sparkling off of the eyes of your filly. Last, but not least, the adoration that comes from those hues when they say: “You’re the best teacher in the world.”
Yes… that does sound like someone I know. Princess Celestia… my mentor… and now my student as well.
Thank you, I can feel myself calming down. I guess it’s true what they said about you. You’re an excellent listener.
Are you sure that the floor is comfortable? It doesn’t exactly look like it.
Very well. What is it that you wanted to talk about?
The beginning? Hmm... I’m not really sure where to start.
Oh… how did you learn about my fillyhood?
I see. I guess we could start on the day before the coronation, when all of my friends cutie marks were swapped. I still can’t believe what happened. I keep thinking that it’s just a dream. But whenever I lie down or try to relax my wings, the tense muscles and back pain reminds me that it’s real. I’m an alicorn, a mentor… with subjects. I’m Princess Twilight Sparkle.
The title itself panics me. Within the name harbors responsibility and a reputation, both of which I fear I cannot live up to. I can do the homework. I can read every book on leadership in the library, but notes can only help you so much on a closed book test…
Princess Celestia must have told you then. Yes, I did pass the test to be enrolled in Canterlot’s School for Gifted Unicorns, but that was only because of the Sonic Rainboom. I spent fifteen of the longest minutes of my life in that classroom, begging for my horn to alight after the failure of spells I’d already tried to use on the egg. And then it did.
My friend Rainbow Dash ignited my horn with her Sonic Rainboom. Before I knew it, I nearly destroyed the classroom and turned my parents into potted plants! I was going to be banned from the school for sure! What kind of filly who couldn’t control her power would be allowed past the gates into that school again?!
Apparently I was that kind of filly.
I still remember feeling her hoof upon my shoulder. The chill that went up my body as Princess Celestia calmed my magic with a single spell.
I looked over to the eyes of the school board, each of them glaring at me, as if I were a fly that needed to be smacked away. I caused physical damage to their school, which I’m sure needed a contractor to fix. I took away their free will with my magic, which is one of the worst acts of betrayal a pony can commit. I knew that they hated me.
I was heartbroken. I knew that I was done for, and yet Princess Celestia saw something in the destruction that I caused. With a gentle hoof on my shoulder, I was chosen as her personal protege, as opposed to all of the students in the academy that passed the test with flying colors, without a broken roof and potted plant parents.
If somepony caused trouble in a test back in elementary school and almost ruined the testing area, they would be quarantined in a different room with their own test while the other, peaceful students finished like good ponies. Why am I the one that gets to be special? I was the same pony as everyone else that took the test and the only reason that I passed was because of dumb luck! What if the Sonic Rainboom didn’t ignite my horn? What if the magic was meant for some other student and the only reason it hit me was because I kept stalling for time?!
It’s not fair. It’s not fair to all of the students before and after me, the way I was just given my rank as a protege. Anypony in the Academy would kill to be what I am… and I was chosen out of dumb luck.
…
…
No… I don’t actually believe that it was luck. If it was, I wouldn’t have gotten my cutie mark from the test. But... I just… I just feel that way, and I don’t know why.
I became the luckiest filly in the world. I dedicated my whole fillyhood to magic, and as such, studied every book that I could get my hooves on after I saw Princess Celestia at the Summer Sun Celebration. I made an intricate list of the spells that I imitated and failed, and once my parents enrolled me in Canterlot's School For Gifted Unicorns, I did everything I could in order to pass that test. I barely did.
I remember the first time I saw the Summer Sun Celebration. The excitement that flooded my body as I saw the fanfare precede her was unrivaled by any new spell that I read in a book. I watched her step upon that beautiful decorative platform and look at everypony in the crowd. The small second that her eyes met mine, the nervousness that flooded through my body from being outside had melted away like ice cream on a hot day.
Back when I was a filly, It had taken my brother hours to calm me down when I was upset. Yet those serene eyes accomplished that goal in seconds. They were trained, ready, prepared for the imploring eyes of her subjects.
I watched Princess Celestia rise into the air, wings barely flapping, and yet she ascended like a Wonderbolt in motion. Her body rose up into the sherbet skies, and the magic followed.
It’s no wonder why some ponies call her "Your Majesty".
I have written hundreds, possibly thousands of scrolls throughout my life, and yet even now, I could never put into words the beauty of what I witnessed. I could only compare it to what I felt, an effect due to a cause so enigmatically beautiful, I wondered if it was intentionally perfect.
It had to be. She did it for her subjects.
They called it a celebration. They still do, and Canterlot's decorations can certainly attest to this description. It is indeed a celebration. But every year, as I watch my teacher rise into the air, and hear the cheering of the crowd as she descends to the floor, I almost feel insulted that “celebration” was the word chosen for this miracle in motion.
It was not a celebration. It was the textbook definition of perfect. From the Celebration to the Gala, every event she held ended up with a happy ending. There were numerous faults within Princess Cadance’s wedding, but they were not of Princess Celestia’s doing. She did everything that she could in order to protect her subjects, and in the end, everything turned out perfct. Every ending was perfect.
Every ending, except for this one.
…
…
It wasn’t a good ending… because it ended with me. It ended with a fundamental change to who I am as Twilight Sparkle. I’m now the Princess of Magic, and it was all because I cast a spell from a notebook that Princess Celestia gave me.
She planned this. She had been planning this for years. I have been trying my hardest to find some physical evidence of my theory, but I really don’t have any, apart from the notebook that now sits in a drawer, since I dare not touch it. It’s completed, and my stomach boils whenever I think about the final period that I placed upon those pages.
These wings, no matter how I look at it, were given to me by Princess Celestia. She guided me throughout a path in my life that lead up to this exact moment… the moment where I sit on the floor and ponder exactly why she did this, while a headache flares in the back of my head, threatening to end my meeting with you early. These wings were given to Ponyville’s Egghead, rather than somepony who could have used them for so much more than me. Yet I have no proof that somepony else was going to get these wings. There was no other pony that these wings were meant for. The only fact I know is that they were meant for me.
Throughout my life, I have rarely questioned Princess Celestia’s words. Why would I question the one who knows my past, present, and possibly even my future; the one with over two thousand years of knowledge that could practically finish my sentences and was never wrong about my abilities? Even when I made a mistake, those would correct themselves through her guidance or intervention, like a parent that helps a child clean off her scraped knee or provides a shoulder for a teenager to cry on when her heart is broken.
…
Yes… like a parent, that’s the perfect way to describe her. She is my soul-mother, my godmother, the mare that I would do anything for. And yet, it’s times like these where I understand why some children act out. I used to believe that Princess Celestia was perfect, but now… I don’t know what I believe.
These wings were the will of perfection. My mentor, a mare that I considered to be perfect, had brought me to them with her guidance. And yet here I sit with a pair as well, a mare that almost destroyed Canterlot’s School for Gifted Unicorns, caused a riot due to a Want It Need It spell, rendered Ponyville helpless due to my inability to duel the Alicorn Amulet for a day, and so many more mistakes. I’m not deserving of such a title. Perfection is meant for alicorns, those who have moved hearts and souls with their words. Those who are able to solve any problem that comes their way. I am a defilement to the alicorn race, an egghead one faux paus away from embarrassing myself and those who did everything that they could to bring me this status.
…
…
...
I’m sorry. I did not mean to cry in front of you. I can only hold it in for so long.
Thank you… heh… you keep a box of tissues in your bag for this very reason, don’t you?
Just… give me a moment.
…
I didn’t want this, you know. I didn’t want these wings on my back. I didn’t want them to be a beacon to separate me from the crowd. I didn’t want to be addressed as anything other than Twilight Sparkle, or any variant thereof. But… as much as I hate to admit it, perhaps a new name is for the best. I barely see any part of my personality that I carried within my fillyhood left in who I am today.
Back then, I was so used to blending into the crowd before I came to Ponyville. It was probably more like a superpower, now that I think about it. School was full of nothing but books and homework. Party invitations (that I’m sure were given to me as more of a formality than the pony’s actual desire for my attendance) were denied almost like a reflex, while the librarian had woken me up many a night when she was about to close up shop. My birthday parties consisted of nothing but my family, and that was all I needed. At least, that’s what I believed.
Ten years later, I cannot fathom the idea of not having my friends nearby. Ever since I came to Ponyville, I have collected every letter sent to me by my family and friends. I reopen them from time to time, to remind myself of where I am and the progression that pointed towards my ascension. I was an antisocial bookworm, and I believed that I was happy. Now, I know what the experience of true happiness contains.
True happiness is surrounding yourself with individuals that you can completely trust, those whom you can love as if they were your family. It’s those that you can laugh with, exhibit kindness, express honesty, pledge loyalty, and offer generosity, all as a thank you for brightening up your life with the magic of friendship.
Within a span of three years, I had experienced a more fulfilling life than anything that I could hope to achieve back in Canterlot. All because of my friends. While I do not wish to trivialize the love that my family exhibited towards me, I have lived a life that I wouldn’t give up for the world. That was because of Princess Celestia. She brought me towards my five friends and my wonderful assistant, reunited me with my loving foalsitter, and gave me the opportunity to spread friendship to anypony I meet. My life only grew brighter underneath her hooves.
Now, my life is going to change again with these wings. Perhaps I owe her this.
I know that those words would upset her. Not once has she held something over my head with the intention of keeping me in place. But perhaps it is her right, to lead me towards something that will change my life, again. The gods give it, and the gods may take it away.
I… you do have a point. Me becoming an alicorn does not prove that I am going to be given the same type of duties that Princess Celestia, Luna, and Cadance have. However… everything that Princess Celestia has told me only clues me into this fact: my life is going to change.
I have subjects now. She says that I am a mentor to her just as much as she is to me. She said that I am an inspiration. The mare that almost caused a riot just because she wanted a friendship report is an inspiration.
Ponies bow to me now. My own friends bowed before me when I first teleported back to Ponyville with my new wings. I am now Princess Twilight Sparkle. I can believe and rationalize as much as I want that my life is not going to change because of these wings, but in the end, I know that’s wrong.
I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to deny your theory as harshly as I did. This is just… a touchy subject for me.
Thank you for your understanding. Wow… has it already been that long? And… you have that many notes? I guess I did know what I wanted to talk about after all.
I… wait… do you have a little extra time to talk? I’ll pay double the regular price of an hour. I wanted to talk more… and if you don’t have any other appointments at… two in the morning… I would love if you stayed.
Thank you, so much. You have no idea how much this means to me. If you don’t mind… may I continue?
Thank you.
…
Yes… that is a scroll from Princess Celestia. My hesitance to send a reply letter back to her is eating away at the back of my mind. I know that she’s waiting to hear about my first night, but I’d rather not lie.
Rationale… can I ask you a question? Please be honest.
Do you trust me? Do you believe that I could ever be as good a princess as Celestia, Luna, or Cadance?
…
How could you trust me when I’ve done so many things that could have put your life in danger?
Yes… I have learned from my mistakes… but if Princess Celestia could make mistakes, then so could I. These wings are a gateway to bigger and riskier choices. What if I never put the Crystal Heart in Spike’s care and the Empire was cursed for another thousand years? What if I never snapped out of Discord’s spell? What if—
I’m sorry. It probably sounds like I’m talking in circles, doesn’t it? I’m just… scared.
Yes… scared of disappointing Princess Celestia, my friends… everypony.
I’m scared because… I remember Princess Luna’s first appearance during Nightmare Night.
Ah… you do too. So you remember the fear that surrounded her due to Nightmare Moon. Everypony ran away from her… didn’t want to associate themselves with her… and worst of all… didn’t want to know her. They didn’t want to know how much she had changed. I fear that one day I’m going to make that mistake. I fear that all of my friendships, relationships, and all of the work that I spent my blood, sweat, and tears to create and maintain will atrophy before me.
I can only imagine the pain that must have gone through Princess Luna’s heart when she came back to a world that had changed far beyond anything she could have dreamed of. How alone she must have felt when not a single pony wanted to welcome her. I used to wonder how many letters she’d received since her return that weren’t my own.
I wondered if there were any subjects that sent her letters, in the same vein that I did for Princess Celestia. All I know about Princess Luna is the few letters that I get back from her… and honestly… I wish that she sent more. I want to help… but I don’t know if I can.
Princess Luna has always been very tight-lipped. I remember the stare she gave me during my assignment for the Crystal Empire like it was yesterday. The shiver that went down my spine as her glare dared me to fail, as if she would swoop in and mop up the mess the moment that I failed.
Yet I get lucky, every single time.
When it comes to events that matter to the safety of Equestria, I have never failed. Whether with or without my friends, I have always achieved victory in the face of anything that violated the harmony of this land. I have never known failure… and yet… what happens when it happens?
Will I end up like Princess Luna? Will my body become scattered amongst the stars, providing Equestria with a new constellation while the next thousand years formulate a story of my defeat, betrayal, and imprisonment? Or will I completely ruin Equestria and turn it into an uninhabitable wasteland?
Or perhaps… I will never face defeat… until the Elements of Harmony are… reassigned… eighty years from now. When I have to look upon the gravestone of my friends and thank them for all they have done for me… while I look upon their children and grandchildren for the panacea to my broken heart.
No… I cannot think of that. Yet... I do, despite the few days that I’ve had these wings. An overactive mind running on no sleep definitely comes up with the worst case scenarios. Or perhaps tiredness prevents the rationalizations of an alert mind, so only complete honesty comes out.
…
Perhaps you’re right. Perhaps it’s time to stop worrying about the problems that I might cause, and instead focus on the solutions that I could achieve. It’s the least I can do for my new subjects.
I do need to speak to the Princesses. I’ll send letters to all three of them, and then go to bed.
Thank you, Rationale, for your time. After speaking to you… I feel like everything is going to be okay.
I’ll send you a letter if I ever need your services again. Here’s your payment.
Have a good night, my subject.
Author's Note
I sat down to write this just as I finished the last chapter to Therapist Visit. Months later, I finally figured out what I wanted to say.
Thank you for reading this, and I'd appreciate if you followed me to keep up with my future Therapist Visit projects, of which I have at least two planned. Have a good day and I will see you all soon.
