Compliance

by xTSGx

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Rainbow Dash, Comedy
Length: 4165

An OHSA Compliance Officer inspects the Rainbow Factory. Bureaucracy ensues.

The Cloudsdale Weather Corporation is thrown into panic and chaos when an OSHA Compliance Officer arrives at their Rainbow Factory for a surprise inspection. Now, Factory Manager Rainbow Dash must cooperate with the Officer's inspection, lest he revoke their license, all the while trying to keeping the dark secrets of the Factory hidden.

Published 2013-06-23 01:50:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-23 01:50:01 UTC

The Solitary Chapter

Copyright © 2013. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is owned by Hasbro. Rainbow Factory and its related stories and characters are owned by Aurora Dawn. The cover image is, believe it or not, owned by me, but you can use it if you want.

Version 1.0

Published 6/22/13

The break room looked like any other. Several tables and chairs were scattered in the brightly lit room. A counter with a coffee pot, bread box, and microwave was tucked in the back. Sitting next to one of the tables was a dark red stallion wearing a lab coat. He was hunched over the wooden chair, staring disinterestedly at the paper plate with a scone that sat in front of him.

“It's gonna bit us in the flank, Rainbow.”

Rainbow Dash, wearing a suit, was busy at the counter, fiddling with a packet of sugar for her coffee.

“You keep on saying that, Hide, but it hasn't yet.”

Dr. Atmosphere sighed, “The expansion project's twenty million bits over budget. Do you want Aurora Dawn or the Board of Directors coming down from Headquarters to find out why?”

Dash was finally able to get the sugar packet open and stirred its contents into her coffee.

“What the CEO and Board don't know, won't hurt them. If you're so worried about cost overruns, why don't you try and reign in the contractors? They're the ones that pushed this thing over budget.”

“You don't think I tried? Those contractors know nothing of the complexities of this facility. One misplaced support strut and half the place could come crashing down.”

Dash tested her coffee, “And whose fault is that, Mr. 'I'm going to design a complex that has no room for expansion'.”

“Don't pin this on me. I wasn't the one who stamped off on the design.” Hide snarled.

“You're the lead engineer. If you don't like taking the blame, then don't be in a position to do so.”

While Dash and Atmosphere were having their conversation, a tan pegasus stallion walked through a sliding glass door and into the Main Lobby of the facility. The lobby was neat and crisp. Polished tile floors and plain white, construction grade cloud walls gave the appearance of a corporate office. Several fake potted plants dotted the room to try and breathe a little color into the white room.

At the back, in between two double metal doors, one marked “Lower Factory Main Access” and the other “Upper Factory Primary Entrance” was a receptionist desk. Above the desk, affixed to a lowered bit of the cloud ceiling, read the company logo, “Cloudsdale Weather Corporation.” Underneath it, their motto, “Weather Redefined.” While there was seating for five, only one of the chairs was occupied by a pink mare wearing a headset.

After gazing around a bit, the stallion approached the receptionist.

“Cloudsdale Weather Corporation, please hold.” the receptionist pressed a button, “Cloudsdale Weather Corporation, please hold.” she pressed it again, “Cloudsdale Weather Corporation, please hold.”

“Excuse me, Miss. Can you contact your supervisor?”

She looked up, “Why?”

He smiled, before grabbing a badge and showing her. Her eyes widened.

“And another thing, you can just stop with the—”

Before Dash could continue, a voice over the intercom spoke out in a nervous voice.

“R-Rainbow Dash to Main L-Lobby. Rainbow Dash, your presence is required at the Main Lobby.”

She glared at the speaker.

“What's this about?”

Hide looked down at his coffee.

“Beats me. I swear, if it’s one of those Celestia damned contractors complaining again...”

Dash rolled her eyes before departing the break room. A few seconds later, she burst through the “Upper Factory” door and into the Lobby.

“What is it?” she said, her voice letting slip the irritation at being interrupted from her coffee.

Standing before her was a stallion, and behind the reception desk was a mare who looked like she had seen a ghost.

“Good day, Miss Dash. My name is Red Tape—” he flashed her the badge, “And I'm with the Occupational Safety and Health Administration, here for a surprise inspection of the Cloudsdale Weather Corporation's Cloudsdale Weather Construction and Research Facility.”

In that instant, despite all medical evidence saying it couldn't happen, Dash's blood froze.

“W-W-What?”

“OSHA, ma'am. Our records indicate the 'Rainbow Factory' has never had a surprise inspection before. All previous inspections were scheduled well in advance and it's important that we at OSHA keep companies on their toes to ensure the best safety for all.”

Dash gave her best, I'm-not-flailing-around-in-panic-on-the-inside smile.

“Will you excuse me for a moment?”

“Absolutely, but please don't take too long. It wouldn't be much of a surprise inspection if I gave the company time to prepare, now would it?”

A rainbow blur shot through the double doors faster than was seemingly possible.

Hide smiled widely while Dash paced around in a panic.

“What are we going to do? What are we going to do?”

“What's this 'we'? I'm just a lowly engineer.”

Dash slammed a hoof onto the break room table.

“Cut the crap, doc. If that bumbling bureaucrat finds out what happens here, we're all screwed. He'll revoke the Corporation's Weather License like that.” Dash somehow made a snapping noise with her hoof, “Or do you think Celestia's going to be so horrified by what we just had to go through that she'll just forget about the killing of dozens of weaklings every year thing?”

He bit into the scone.

“I don't see why you're panicking so much. OSHA inspects the place, what, every ten years? Just take him on the usual 'clean' tour like we do every inspection.”

Dash grit her teeth, “That's just it, Hide. Those inspections are scheduled weeks in advance and give us plenty of time to scrub the place down. There's nothing clean right now!”

“Then bribe him like we do the building inspectors.”

Rainbow snorted, “Do you know how much money federal employees make? Not to mention their pension. If anypony found out he'd taken a bribe, that would all be flushed down the toilet. There's no way he'd take it.”

“Well then,” Hide took a prolonged sip of his coffee, “I guess you're bucked.”

Red Tape snapped a hoof back away from the fake fern when Rainbow reentered the room, looking somewhat frazzled in her suit.

“Sorry about that, inspector. If you'd follow me, we can begin.”

Dash motioned him into the Lower Factory and the two began to walk down a short hallway that lead into the large, open area that made up the lower area. Numerous workers wearing white scrubs moved about. Dash and Red walked over to a row of the sterilized scrubs.

“Company policy requires all personnel who travel around the Lower Factory to use appropriate clothing to prevent cross contamination.” They both put on several plastic booties, hairnets, and white paper vests and walked around the many tanks and vats of liquids.

“Very good.” he scribbled down a very notes on a clipboard, “Proper handling of materials is crucial to prevent an accidental love poison contamination.”

“As you can see, inspector, the Cloudsdale Weather Corporation takes safety very seriously. We pride ourselves on not having a worker injury in over four hundred workdays.”

Red Tape stopped by a pool of rainbow. He pulled a vial out of his briefcase and dunked it in the rainbow.

Dash's eyes widened in fear.

“W-What are you doing?”

He placed a cap on the vial of rainbow and swirled it around for a moment.

“I'm taking a sample of your rainbow fluid. It'll be sent to a lab for testing to see its chemical composition.”

The color seemed to drain from Rainbow's face. Mental images of a lab tech staring in horror at the results before calling the Royal Guard flashed through her head.

“T-Testing? But you never tested the rainbows before.”

He placed the vial in his briefcase and continued walking.

“You can thank the Fancypants Health Act for that. It's a good thing, too. You'd be amazed at what kinds of disgusting stuff some companies put in their rainbows.”

“Yeah, disgusting.” Dash chuckled.

Red Tape gazed around the room.

“Well, I'm satisfied.”

Dash's wings flared up, “You are?!”

“With the Lower Factory.” he amended, “All tanks and vats are properly labeled, workers seem well trained, lighting meets code, there's none of that ridiculous scaffolding suspended precariously above open vats. But, the Lower Factory really is more show than actual work, isn't it? Got to have something for the tourists to take pictures of. Let's go to the Upper Factory and see where the real work is done.”

Dash fidgeted, “Sure, let's.”

**********

'What am I going to do?'

The two of them walked leisurely down a hallway. On either side, ominous black doors with tinted windows obscured the secrets beyond.

“Let's start here.”

Dash opened a door labeled “Pipe Access.”

Within, countless pipes of all sizes and shapes wove around like one of those screensavers that had been left on. Red Tape gawked at the hissing noises and occasional spurts of steam.

“My word, Miss Dash. This is a truly complex system. It's amazing.”

“Oh yes, we had the best and most brilliant engineer design it.” 'Who just happened to be driven insane while doing it.'

Red frowned as he scrutinized the pipes.

“Oh dear.”

“What?”

He pointed at the piping, “I don't see any pressure release valves. If there was a catastrophic failure somewhere, these pipes could overload and explode, and any helpless worker could be severely injured. Not to mention other workers suffering emotional trauma from seeing the injury.”

“We can't have releases.”

“Why not?”

“Because, these pipes contain hazardous chemicals that would contaminate the facility and...I probably shouldn't have said that in front of an OSHA inspector.”

He scoffed.

“Nonsense. As long as none of these pipes travel outside the interior of the facility and they're properly maintained, you can have as many hazardous chemicals flowing through them as you like.”

Dash flashed a guilty smile.

“You don't have any going outside, do you?”

She laughed, “Of course not. Th-The Cloudsdale Weather Corporation has made sure that all safety regulations are strictly followed.”

“Good. Just make sure there's some pressure release valves in place. Venting hazardous waste in a controlled environment is better than it exploding and contaminating half the city. Also, there aren't any ventilation ducts. OSHA rules require proper ventilation in the event of a spill or leak. ”

He closed the door to the pipe room and the two walked past several more doors before he suddenly veered to his right and opened a door labeled “Prep Room #5.”

Dash flew in front of him, obscuring his view of the room.

“What are you doing?!”

“It's an inspection, not a tour.” he moved around, “I have to see...what?”

Staring at him were a dozen foals. In front of the room stood another employee wearing a suit, her jaw open. On either side of the room were tables with pizza and punch. Four heavily armed security guards stood at each corner.

“Oh, it's some kind of birthday party. It's good to know that the Cloudsdale Weather Corporation looks after the youth of the world.” he began to make his way forward, “Don't mind me, just an inspector. Oh—excuse me. Pardon me. Ouch, that wing looks pretty banged up. Here we go.” he arrived at a large air vent on the floor, “Just got to check to make sure that there's proper air—whoa!” The vent, having very poor fasteners, popped open when he pushed his hoof against it, “Now that's just not safe. One of these foals could have walked over here and jimmied this thing open and who knows where it leads.”

The suited mare look at Rainbow.

“Manager Dash, is there something going on?”

“Nothing that concerns you, now get back to the, uh, birthday party.”

The mare nodded dumbly.

Dash's frustration was mounting, “Are you done, inspector?”

“Uh, yes.” After navigating around the foals, he walked out of the room, “Um, Miss Dash, why are there security guards with batons and stun guns there?”

“They're there to make sure that some of the foals don't hog all the pizza, now come on.”

She slammed the door shut, leaving the group within still dumbstruck. She slumped against the door, 'You just gotta stay calm, Dash. Relax. You'll find a way to get through this without everything completely collapsing in on you. Just think of it as stress practice for when Scoots takes her exam.' After several calming breaths, she opened her eyes, to see Red Tape inching towards a room labeled “Spectra Extraction Room 001.” In bold, red letters underneath were the words “Authorized Personnel Only.”

“No! You can't go in there! 'Authorized Personnel Only'. I'm sorry, but it's company policy not to allow any unauthorized ponies into the—”

Red Tape raised an eyebrow.

“Unauthorized? Miss Dash, I'm an OSHA inspector. I'm always authorized.”

He moved to access the room but Dash forced him back.

“I'm sorry, sir, but I cannot allow you entry.”

Red Tape narrowed his eyes.

“I see.” He picked up his clipboard and scribbled a few notes, “Impeding an inspection is grounds for an auto-revocation of your Weather License.”

Dash's wings flared up.

“What!”

'What am I gonna do? If I let him in, he's sure to revoke the license! But he'll still do it if I don't. You know what? Screw it.' Dash smiled evilly, 'I'll just kill him. Should have just done that at the start and saved myself all the unnecessary stress. I'm sure the Corporation will get in some trouble for his death, but that's what our Public Relations department's for.'

“Very well then, inspector.” Dash opened the door to the Pegasus Device's room, “After you.”

Red Tape smiled and walked in.

“See? All I have to do is threaten a little an—What!”

He dropped his clipboard and gazed in horror at the large room. Blood coated the walls and floor. High above, chains dangled from the ceiling, also coated in blood and rusty from their grim use. The Pegasus Device itself sat under the chains, surprisingly clean despite what it did.

“What in Tartarus is all this.”

Dash closed the door behind her.

“This, dear inspector, is where the Corporation produces the finest rainbows in Equestria.”

Red Tape continued to stare at the horror.

“I-I mean, where do I begin?”

Dash chuckled as she moved over to the control panel.

“How bout with a demonstration?”

She flipped the unnecessarily large switch to the “On” position and the Device activated.

“You see, inspector, you know too much. It's a shame, but you must be eliminated.”

The chains began to snake their way down from the ceiling and made their way toward Red Tape. He seemed to ignore Dash's murderous talk and continued to focus on the room.

“I guess I'll start with the floor. First, there's no safety perimeter. OSHA regulations require markings on the floor that designate where the 'machine work zone' is located and, due to the blood, those markings, if they exist, are covered up.”

Dash looked on in shock.

“W-What?”

“Second, this blood is a massive safety hazard. Not only does it present an obvious slipping hazard but it's a health risk. Do you perform blood tests on it?”

Dash's mouth fell open.

Red Tape picked up his clipboard and jotted down a few things.

“I didn't think so. Celestia knows what kinds of diseases are in all this blood. If OSHA doesn't close this place down, the Health Department will.”

To Dash's eternal relief, the chains arrived at Red Tape, wrapped around him, picked him up, and hauled him toward the Device. He stared at the chains that held him tight.

“Moving on to these chains. They're only 1/8th inch. For the lifting of ponies, OSHA requires at least 3/16th inch chains—although I do applaud you for the redundancies. Five separate chains is more than enough in case one or two fail.”

Dash gritted her teeth.

“Don't you understand, you fool? You're about to die and you're still spouting that OSHA nonsense. OSHA won't save you.”

“Then there's the lack of a safety harness. OSHA requires a five point harness with at least two built in redundancies.”

The chains hovered him above the Device whose cartilage crushing and tissue tearing apparatuses eagerly awaited their next meal. Red Tape gazed upward at the ceiling.

“I bet you aren't even using Construction Grade Clouds, are you?”

He yanked at one of the chains binding him, which promptly fell from the ceiling, taking a small chunk of cloud with it. Dash's eyes bugged out of her head.

“It's so sad what companies do now-in-days to save a bit. Can you imagine if some hapless employee on the floor above were to kick the ground? They'd fall right through and into that vicious machine of yours.”

He quickly dislodged the other chains that suspended him above the Device. Dash breathed a sigh of relief, however, as several of the chains became entangled in the Pegasus Device's apparatuses, slowing dragging the government employee toward a grisly fate.

“I should thank you, inspector. If you didn't point out those flaws in the Device, who knows how many foals would have been able to escape.”

“Oh, I'm glad I could be of help. That's not all, though.” He was mere feet from his end, “Not only are these chains too small, but they're also very brittle from all the rust.” He broke two of the chains that held him, “It's clear that very little maintenance has been done in the Upper Factory. Another severe violation of OSHA rules.”

He snapped the remaining chains that grasp onto him and landed several feet away from the Device.

“Why. Won't. You. Just. Die!”

The blue pegasus ran at him with a lead pipe in her mouth, intending to beat his brains in.

“A lead pipe? Another violation. Lead has been banned in piping since 896.”

Red Tape leapt into the air to avoid her. Dash jumped up as well, only to lose her footing on the bloody floor and crash into a heap, the pipe hitting her on the head, dazing her.

“You see? That's what I'm talking about. If there wasn't all that blood, you wouldn't have lost your footing and injured yourself. Where did you get that from anyway?”

As if to answer his question, a large explosion of steam erupted from a broken piece of piping near the Pegasus Device's control panel. The room began to fill with the steam.

“You just tore it from actual piping? How loose did the fastener have to be to let you just yank a piece of piping free? There obviously wasn't any adhesive used in the pipe fittings or you wouldn't have been able to pull it out. I certainly hope that piping room doesn't have as loose of fittings.”

Red Tape jotted down a few more notes on his clipboard while Dash shakily rose from off the blood soaked ground. Blood oozed from a small gash above her eye and her mane stuck to her face. She cast a hate filled glare at Red Tape. Or she would have, had the steam not filled the entire room and obscured all sight. Her voice, eerily calm but frustrated at the same time, rang out amidst the humid air.

“You. I've had some troublesome foals in my day, but you somehow have beaten them all. This room has seen countless souls try their hardest to escape. They've screamed, mumbled, thrashed violently, even prayed, hoping that something would be able to save them from the fate the Flock has set for them. Do you think you can possibly win?”

“Miss Dash, OSHA always wins. You're idle threats of attempting to take us to court are no match for the might of OSHA's Legal Division.”

“Court? You think this is still about the fines?” Dash let out a laugh, intermingled ever so slightly with the subtle hints of a mare who had lost her sanity quite a while ago, “You won't escape to give out those fines. Don't you understand?”

“Now then, about all this steam.”

Apparently he didn't. Dash's eyelid twitched spastically.

“As I stated previously, OSHA rules require some sort of ventilation in the event of a piping failure.” He flapped his wings to clear away some of the steam and reveal the control panel, “Not only is it to help employees in the event of a hazardous material leak, but it's to prevent—”

The control panel, soaked in condensation, shot out an explosion of sparks and smoke. The smell of ozone and fried electronics soon filled the room. The smoke alarms high above on the ceiling began to beep.

“—electronics from short circuiting.” he frowned, “Miss Dash, judging from the shower of sparks, that control panel lacked any form of circuit breaker or surge protector. Had an employee been operating that device, there's a very good chance he could have been electrocuted.”

“I'm going to kill you!”

Before Rainbow could act, a computer voice rang out.

“WARNING: CENTRAL CONTROL SYSTEM FAILURE. UNABLE TO REESTABLISH CONTROL OF PEGASUS DEVICE. ACTIVATING EMERGENCY SHUTDOWN OF PLANT OPERATIONS. FIRE DETECTED IN SPECTRA EXTRACTION ROOM 001, EVACUATE FACILITY IMMEDIATELY.”

The grinding noise of the Device slowed to a halt and was replaced with the sound of a fire alarm.

Red Tape smiled brightly.

“Excellent. Your smoke alarms work flawlessly and there's a failsafe in place in the event of a system failure. For a minute there, I thought the Rainbow Factory was a deathtrap. It's good to see that there's—ack!”

Rainbow tackled Red Tape and clamped her hooves around his neck, squeezing as hard as she could. She smiled sadistically.

“Isn't it ironic, inspector. The very safety alarms you praise so dearly will be the last things you ever hear before—”

The door burst open and several security guards rushed in.

“Manager Dash, we need to evacuate. There's a fi—” the guard stared at his blood soaked superior and the pony she was choking to death, “...re.”

Rainbow smiled nervously and let go of Red Tape, who proceeded to gasp for air.

“Right. Yes. A, uh, fire. Please, lead the way.”

“Yes, ma'am.”

**********

Outside the Factory's main lobby, Rainbow stood with other senior management of the facility and awaited Red Tape's final report. Several fire trucks had amassed in front of the building and a few firefighters were wandering to and fro, carrying all varieties of equipment.

“I'm sorry, Miss Dash, but in light of the numerous infractions and failures, I have no choice but to impose the maximum penalty I'm authorized to.”

He handed Dash a piece of red paper. She grimly looked down at it before her jaw dropped open.

“What?! What's this?!”

Red Tape glanced down at the paper.

“As you can see, I'm imposing the maximum penalty. A twenty bit fine.”

Rainbow looked up.

“B-B-But w-what about re-revoking the license. Sh-Sh-Shutting us down?”

Red Tape chuckled.

“Oh, you think us lowly inspectors have that kind of power? After a thorough review of my findings, the National Labor Health and Safety Board will determine whether additional fines or a site shutdown are necessary.”

“B-But the blood! And killings!”

“Have all been carefully documented and will be emphasized in the strongest possible terms in my report. Thank you for your participation in this inspection.” Red Tape picked up his briefcase and waved goodbye.

Dash waved back, shell shocked.

A perky blue mare approached. She smiled brightly as she looked around in wonder at the fire department's ponies before approaching Rainbow and the group of CWC employees. Dash stared at her vacantly.

“Hello, Miss—” she glanced down at a piece of paper, “Rainbow Dash. My name is Spickan Span.” Span picked up a wallet from behind her back and flashed a badge at Dash, “And I'm with the Cloudsdale Health Department, here for a surprise inspection.”

The End

Author's Note

Alternate ending:

“Hello, Miss—” she glanced down at a piece of paper, “Rainbow Dash. My name is Spickan Span.” Span picked up a wallet from behind her back and flashed a badge at Dash, “And I'm with the Cloudsdale Health Department, here for a surprise inspection. Oh my, you have beautiful eyes.”

AKA: "The Meh Story."

My apologies for not knowing exactly what the Rainbow Factory looks like. I didn't feel like rereading it to remember, so just call it "my take" on what it looks like.

I had fun writing it, but there's not really a lot to it. It's pretty basic. Plus, the ending can be seen a mile away. I was tempted to add the [Dark] tag on the grounds that government bureaucrats are truly horrifying but opted not to.

Hopefully, this will help me to get off my butt and get to rewriting chapter three of Regent.