The Whacked Out World of Tyler Walker
The Whacked Out World of Tyler Walker
A Novel/Really Short Story/I Don't Even Know/Gift
"The secret of humor is surprise" ~Aristotle
Hello everyone and thank you for taking the time to read this story that I have made and that you hold in your hand. Before the story begins, I would like to say a few small things that will help put your mind at ease about anything that has to do with the story that you have no idea about.
This story is not meant to be taken seriously (unless you really want to) and was written in such a manner (I mean, I think it was). So because of this, the story will be somewhat short in length as it was not intended to be a REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY long story. With that in mind, the tale will seem a bit rushed, the chapters very short, and it may not make sense at times but that's okay, it's not just you. I probably had no idea what or why I writing something at the time anyway.
Also with that in mind, there is a health warning located in the next page that will help keep you safe while reading this piece of literature that I would like to think is insane but, sadly enough, probably isn't.
For Those Reading This on FiMficiton:
This story is basically a mosh pit of different things, with Equestria being the main setting and plot point. As stated in the author's note, this is basically a really bad joke between me and my friend.
Thank you for your time.
All rights for almost everything in here go to their respective owners. I do not own anything that isn't mine.
HEALTH WARNING
WARNING! THIS STORY AS BEEN FLAGGED AS MENTALLY UNRAVELING AND COULD POSE POTENTIAL DANGER TO YOUR PSYCH AND OF THOSE AROUND YOU. BEFORE YOU READ THE FOLLOWING TALE, PLEASE REVIEW THE SAFETY LIST BELOW THAT WE HAVE PROVIDED FOR YOU:
-Make Sure Ear Plugs Are Safely Nestled In Your Ears At All Times
-Be Sure To Remember Your Seat Belt Is Securely Fastened Around You
-Keep Your Arms, Legs, Hands, And Feet Inside The Vehicle At All Times, As There May Be Slight Turbulence While in Motion
-Secure The Helmet That Is In Your Possession Comfortably To Your Head
-Securely Buckle All Four Hundred Om Nom Nom Babies Into Their Car Seats Now
-Make Sure Both Your Parrot And/Or Min-Pony Are Safely And Snugly Sitting On Either Of Your Shoulders (Don't Look At Me Like That, We Both Know You Have Them. Don't Shake Your Head! I Can See Them On Your Shoulders Right Now!)
-Please, While You Read, Do Not Drool Or Allow Your Head To Implode Or Explode, As This Tends To Generate Bad Reviews.
YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Enjoy the story.
Chapter 1
Tyler Walker jogged through the halls of the Batcave, humming a tune to himself that echoed off the steel and stone walls of the famous sanctuary. It was not an uncommon sight these days to see the sixteen year old boy within the underground fortress, accompanying both the Dark Knight and Boy Wonder themselves. Well, Boy Wonder then, Nightwing presently. Ever since the young man had severed ties with ole' Batman, Tyler had been helping out more around Gotham City until the billionaire could figure out what to do next.
Tyler never went disguised as Robin though, no, he had his own vigilante act going: name and all. Taking upon himself the name Thunder Hawk, Tyler had taken to a more comical and unique style then that of his mentor. Let's give an example. While Batman would crash through the roof of a dark warehouse, barely speak, blow smoke, and beat the crap out of the villains, Tyler toyed with the minds of his prey. Dressed in his armored morph costume (suit looking edition), T-Walk would lug a twenty-five hundred pound party cannon to the warehouse, blow a hole in the side, start cracking jokes, fire the cannon again and laugh like a maniac.
Then he would beat the living crap out of them.
It worked quite well, considering Batman tolerated him and didn't hall his butt to jail at times. In fact, the only reason Batman tolerated and housed Tyler at all was because of two facts: first, Bruce had raised Tyler since he was a baby, a favor to Tyler's grandfather: Alfred the Butler. Second: Tyler was the only one who could contend with the Joker besides the Dark Knight himself, a fact that had come in handy at times. The Joker did so enjoy the little arrangement Tyler and Batman had made: he finally had a hero who would laugh at his jokes, crack his own, initiate monologue, owned a party cannon, and could still kick his butt. It was perfect for everyone!
Coming to the present though, Tyler was currently jogging through the opening portal that led to the main part of the Batcave that held the supercomputer, vehicles, and training equipment. Basically, the giant cave inside the cave that you see in every Batman movie, minus the equipment. The Batmobile had just powered down as the steel door shut behind Tyler and out from the car stepped Bruce Wayne in costume. As the teen smiled and walked over to the caped crusader, he made sure he continued to hum the tune from earlier, just to annoy him.
Reaching him, Tyler hummed extra loud as Batman got closer and closer. Batman deadpanned and said, “Please tell me you're not still singing the theme song for My Little Pony.”
Tyler grinned and replied, “Oh I'm not singing it anymore, right now I'm just content on humming it as loud as I possibly can.”
Batman sighed as he face-palmed and said, “You've been singing/humming it for almost two days now.”
“I know, ain't it great?!”
Again, the Dark Knight just sighed, forgoing the need to answer and simply walked past the teenager to his supercomputer. Sitting down at it, he began a rapid series of typing as information scrolled across the giant screen. T-Walk trotted over and stared at the ever present text on the monitor, temporarily mesmerized by the entrancing lights present before him. This little habit expired though as Bruce decided to snap Tyler out of it by, without looking from the screen, promptly back handing him across the face. T fell to the floor, somewhat stunned from the sudden impact of the armored glove.
Rubbing his face while standing, he opened his mouth to say something but was cut off as Batman began speaking abruptly. “Yes, I did it for your own good and no, I will not apologize. In other news, I got a call from our... Friend... and he requested that you meet him in front of his video camera in about five minutes. I would suggest going this time, I don't think you want to be shot at through a screen again.”
Tyler shut his mouth that been hanging open and nodded his head vigorously; his first experience with him almost cost T-Walk his ears, his mind and a bullet through the brain. It probably wouldn't be very safe for him to refuse a second time.
“The regular place then?”
“Yep” the Dark Knight replied.
Tyler shrugged and began walking towards the hall that led down to his room. Before he made it through the steel door though, Batman called after him and informed him of thus: “Oh by the way Tyler, the cave will be having another resident from now on. I found him in Crime Alley tonight trying to steal the wheels from the Batmobile with a wrench. The boy seemed to have potential and is at the moment passed out in the passenger seat of my car. I will also be informing Alfred of this once I am done telling you.”
Tyler face-palmed as Bruce said all of that with a straight face and replied by sighing then asking, “What's his name?”
“Jason Todd.”
Tyler nodded then started through the door and down the hall. Could anything bad possibly come out of this arrangement? T-Walk thought to himself.
Hmm... nahhhhh.
Chapter 2
Tyler ran down the stone and steel lined hallway to his bedroom, where he darted into and sealed the door shut. Turning his light on, he went to his huge couch in front of his ginormous, 120', flat screen, plasma and LED television. Sitting down, he activated the tiny camera mounted on the TV with the remote control and simply waited. If he was going to call, then let him. As long as Tyler was still somewhat sane though, he wouldn't be the one to initiate contact.
While his mind wandered to incredible places in his imagination, such as the land of Equestria, he waited patiently for the man to appear before him on the screen. He wasn't surprised when, all of a sudden, a face appeared before him, fedora seated on his cranium, tie hanging loosely around his neck, and glasses fitted snugly on his face. It was none other then the big mouthed man himself, Nostalgia Critic. Who just so happened to be Tyler's uncle.... twice removed.
Critic glared at Tyler through the screen, eyes boring into his nephew's, as he pulled out his pistol. “I've been waiting Obi-Tyler, we meet again at last. When you left me you were but the learner, now I am still the master.”
Tyler, being the ever calm master he is, slowly donned his robes and pulled up his hood, iPod in hand. “Only a master of reviews, Darth. You can't win. If you cuss me out, I will become more powerful then you could possibly imagine.”
Nostalgia Critic stared at Tyler for a moment before exclaiming, “I am going to fu-!”
[The author of this story apologizes for the neighbor's cat and for interrupting the story thus far. It has come to my attention though that this particular chain of events is not safe for human consumption. So, because of this, it has been decided that the argument between Tyler and his uncle is to be omitted because PORUHGPEJNGDSF[354UT2=0548Y1RE-23U 1UIG-039UH0JTEOIHBW[EOPEFRHG65462640+315+47ET+H40QET9+N/0
(Sound of splashing water in the background)
I apologize for the dead body in your pool but it was necessary for us all. Hello, I am the author of the author for this story and I have with me here The Nostalgia Critic, who will help me explain why this sequence WILL be put into the story. Critic?
“......”
“Critic?”
“.......................”
“Ccrriittiicc????? Hello, you still there????”
“............................................................................................”
“Huh... whelp, only one thing to do....................................”
“.................................................................................................”
“..................................................................................................”
“..................................................................................................”
“..................................................................................................”
“..................................................................................................”
“................BAT-CREDITCARD!!!!!!!”
“A BAT-CREDITCARD?!?!?!?! I'LL KILL YOU!! I'LL KILL YOU ALL!! YOU ALL WILL DIE!! I'LL UYRTC8754YT0HG78YEWVRGHECPHER7Y0+654151*05*/70+61%$%$@*&(yhnubiu voiughpiy_(y+)hou yf*
(Splash)
“What the heck?! Who was that?!?!”
“Me.”
“Oh okay then.... wait, you're not joking? Your actually right in front of me?”
“Yes.”
“Ahhhh...... sshh-”
(Explosion in distance)
I do apologizes for that but they both needed to be silenced. Hello, my name is Chuck Norris and I just owned people. Don't worry, they're just knocked out... for now. Anyway, I got tired of listening to this bickering, writing and killing so I decided to step in for a moment and summarize what you just missed in the story: Basically, Tyler and his uncle get into an epic battle of words before shifting the time-space continuum to another plane of existence. There, they fight to the death with weapons from their favorite tv shows, movies and imaginations that lasts for over 2,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 years.
After they come to a stalemate with this, they get into temper tantrums and start a slapping fight which ends with both of them pimp slapping the other so hard, they once again shift planes of existence. They land in the Tardis, where it is currently hovering over the sight of the greatest battle that I can think of at 9:27 p.m. on 5/17/13. Every single freaking character you can think of that's been involved with ANYTHING fictional (and possibly non-fictional) is assembled for the biggest and most epic battle between the forces of good and evil. Before it has a chance to actually go into affect, Tyler and Critic's minds are so blown that the plane of existence is literally ripped apart piece by piece.
As the last piece is being ripped apart, there's a giant explosion, which rockets the two back to the plane of existence that the story is currently in. So yeah, that's the summary, peace.]
Shaking his head, Tyler came to the weird, disturbing and awesome fact that he was fully, completely, and literally insane to the very core of his being because of what just happened. His insanity is a trivial thing though. The more pressing issue is: what the heck does Nostalgia Critic want?! T-Walk didn't know but after the epicness that had just occurred, he was going to find out, even if it killed him.
“So, what did you bring me down here for again?” Tyler asked.
“Ah yes, I have an important mission for you Tyler,one that requires all your strength, skills, talents, and pie to complete.” Critic replied.
“Really? And what, prey tell, would that be?”
“It has come to my attention recently that the land of Equestria has come under attack from the notorious Team Rocket. They plan to try and take over Equestria by capturing every pony with things called 'ponyballs'.”
Tyler was silent, rage slowing building in him. No one was allowed to take over Equestria! Now one!
Critic continued, taking on a more serious and ominous tone. “Tyler, your mission is to go to the land of Equestria, via the Tartus, and destroy Team Rocket. With you will go your companion, Luna, whom has volunteered to accompany you in your quest to retake her land. Along with your companion, you will take five 'humanballs' that just so happen to contain people that you know. Now, begone Tyler! Your quest awaits!”
With that, Nostalgia Critic disappeared from the screen with a flash and a gunshot. Immediately following this, a giant blue police box appeared in the main cavern of the Bat-Cave. Batman, not looking up from the screen in front him, got on the com and said, “Tyler, I think your ride's here.”
A moment later, Tyler was standing in front of what had to be the Tartus. Neither Batman nor Tyler acknowledged each other as T-Walk proceeded into the Tartus, which promptly disappeared after he shut the door.
Chapter 3
On the outside, the Tartus looked tiny compared to what the teen saw on the inside. He looked around in astonishment for a few minutes before he was startled by a large, midnight blue pony who had been watching him from a corner the entire time.
“Hello!” she said enthusiastically, “Welcome to the Tartus! I'm sure Critic has already brought you up to speed on the situation, so we should leave immediately. Oh, where are my manners? I'm Luna and I'll be helping you on your quest. We don't have a lot of time to explain or to dawdle, partly because the author has to get this done on a deadline but I would just like to say: you are an extraordinarily handsome young man. Would you do me the honor of marrying me and becoming the Prince of Equestria? After we get it back from Team Rocket of course.”
Without blinking or missing a beat, Tyler replied with an enthusiastic, “YES!” Going over to her, Tyler promptly kissed her long and passionate like. Before it got any further and/or more heated, Luna broke away from him and changed into an anthro form that very much pleased him. Going back to making out, the two exchanged knowledge of each other through an established mind link. That way, they knew everything about the other and it was as if they had known each other their entire lives.
Moving to the bedroom they-
[Gunfire is heard behind the computer screen.]
Hello once again everyone, this is friendly neighborhood... uh friend, Batman! I've been watching the story as it progresses, and it has come to my attention that, at this particular scene, there are things in the content that would be considered explicit. I am sure that the receiver of this gift, would not want his friend writing this. So I have taken the liberty of shooting, then chomping him into little pieces, and then throwing it in my producers face for only putting me in!!.... Wait, that wasn't why I came in here...
[Sound of Door Opening]
Backup Author for the Backup Author of the Author: Deadpool?! What the heck are you doing in here?!?! I thought I kicked you out already?!
Deadpool:......................... Seriously bro? Do you REALLY need to ask that question?
Backup Author for the Backup Author of the Author:....... No.........
Deadpool: Exactly. Now, why don't you quietly shut the door behind you before I decide to take my swords and stick them up your a-
[Explosions, Gunfire, 9qe7wrty iurtvh9w84y5087whvpiuyh087h0vhwe-9hy eoi!@#$%^&*()_+_)(*&^%$#@!WERTYUIOP?”{_)(*&^%$#@#$%^&*()]
{Error 8097- Cannot Connect with Server/ Transmission End}
Chapter 4
The next morning, Tyler groggily opened his eyes and sat up in the bed in the bedroom of the Tartus. His mind a little fuzzy, he looked over at the other side of the bed to see his new wife Luna, changed back into her pony form, sound asleep under the covers. A warm smile graced his face as he thought about the day before. Getting up from the bed, he stretched, dressed and went to go make a delicious breakfast of fish sticks and custard.
About an hour or so later, Luna emerged from the bedroom, groomed, beautiful and ready for the day. She went to her husband (the teenager) and kissed him good morning. She inquired about his sleep, to which he replied that all went well. He in turn inquired unto her and she also replied in kind. After all this had come to pass and breakfast had been gobbled up, the newly weds set out from the Tartus to the land of Equestria. (It had arrived in the land only moments after departing the Batcave mind you.)
After Luna took Tyler on the grand of Equestria, minus the places Team Rocket controlled, which was practically EVERYWHERE, the two went to Canterlot to confront the no-name leader of Team Rocket. The reason behind him being a no-name is simply because power has changed so much, he'll probably be dead in an hour. Also because I didn't want to think of a name. Anyway, there in Canterlot, the evil, no-named leader of Team Rocket held Princess Celestia hostage.
It's sad to say though, that it seems that the Princess enjoys being a hostage..... A little too much.... [Pauses in typing... Shudders.... Continues typing]
Along the way of their path, the duo encounter many a trainers and partake in many a duels. Using all five of his Human-Balls in these different battles, Tyler summoned forth his five friends that he happened to go to high-school with. Jarod, Zach, Ben, Trevor, and Ellie! (No Descriptions Available At This Time) After they had defeated all of their opponents, (rivals, gym leaders, gangs, random tourists and the like) set all of the captured ponies free and met up with the mane six, Tyler finally made it to Canterlot.
Upon reaching his destination, in the company of his wife and the mane six, Tyler destroyed the invading guards (and the giant door) with a flick of his leg and a wiggle of his toes. Marching into the throne room of the palace, Tyler and his companions were only slightly shocked at what they saw. Just because it was the most cliché thing in the world to do basically when the enemy is knocking down your front door. The no-name leader (who, by the way, is completely different from the one I mentioned earlier) sat on Celestia's throne, his feet propped on Luna's newly added throne and Princess Celestia herself chained at the bottom of the dais with a choke collar securely around her neck.
“Well, well, well, if it isn't the nuisance of a group that has been terrorizing my new kingdom” the no-name leader sneered. (This is not the same one I mentioned a few seconds ago, power has changed once again)
“Look man, cut the 'evil' monologue crap and let's get this over with already” Tyler said as he yawned before looking back at the leader. I don't remember him having spiky yellow hair..... Or a black mustache.... or and earing.... or a black top hat.... wait, why does he- I'm just gonna stop trying to keep up with the changes now.....
The guy on the thrown rolled his eyes before jumping up from the thrown with a yell and coming straight toward the group in front of him. As he got closer, Tyler prepared himself for the attack and-
The palace exploded.
Then meteors hit Equestria.
Then the griffons invaded.
Then fires started and burned everything down.
Godzilla appeared and started jumping around Equestria like a big playground, when suddenly Batman burst from the shade and hit Godzilla with a Bat-grenade. Godzilla got pissed and began to attack, but didn't expect to be blocked by Shaq, who proceeded to open up a can of Shaq Fu, when Aaron Carter came out of the blue, and he started beating up Shaquille O'Neal, then they both got flattened by the Batmobile, but before he could make it back to the Batcave, Abraham Lincoln popped out of his grave, and took an AK-47 out from under his hat, and blew Batman away with a rat-a-tat-tat, but he ran out of bullets and he ran away, because Optimus Prime came to save the day!
Then the Hulk came out of nowhere and began Hulk smashing. Then Hulk Hogan came out of nowhere and the two began to fight over who was THE Hulk.
Then Tyler woke up in his bedroom at his home on Earth to find that he had dreamed it all.
Then the Earth exploded.
The End.
Author's Note
Ok, let's get something straight here: I have no idea how this came about. Everything in this story was thought of on a whim for my friend because of their birthday. There is no rhyme or reason behind this; it's basically a bad joke. You have been warned of this thing I would call a mosh pit of a story. If it get's too many downvotes, I will remove it because it would be glaringly obvious that nobody liked it.
