The windows of my humble cottage still shook. Even though the dirt-stained plank walls didn’t have much decoration, I’d always been proud of setting them up all by myself. I was paralyzed on the lone chair; the blast and the accompanying flash of light had shaken me to the core.
I closed my eyes, images of horribly mutilated ponies and burned landscape tormenting my vision for a brief moment. Then, I opened them again, but could still feel my heart racing. If I’m not dead already, it couldn’t have been that bad, I concluded, breaking out a smile. After a while, my smile broke into a full-out laughter, until I was rolling on the floor.
“I’m alive! Sweet Celestia, I’m alive!” I shouted to the empty cottage. “Oh, my, Velvet Drops,” I said, keenly watching the only picture on the walls: in it, I was standing next to my wife, a purple, stern-looking unicorn, who’d passed away only a year ago. “I survived your awful-fucking-soup, so you bet’cha I’d get through even a nuclear blast! And unscathed at that, bitch!”
After collecting my thoughts on the cold floor, I shook my head and rose up, sighing. I slowly made my way to the window on the back wall. Only when I finally had the nerve to look out did I notice the taste of blood in my mouth, and released my tongue from the grasp of my teeth, grimacing. There didn’t seem to be anything out of the ordinary outside – the tundra stretched all the way to the horizon, as always. A few reindeer were chewing the cud, not caring about the explosion that’d just set their lives in danger. Even though it was 3am, they weren’t going to stop feeding for a minute. Especially not that one with two heads.
I turned around and walked to the door that was on the opposite wall of the building. The door was, unlike every other part of the cottage, made out of iron salvaged from a nearby rocket test site. I put my front hooves on it, took a deep breath, and pushed myself outside. A chilly breeze greeted me, along with more tundra. But a few hundred feet ahead, I saw a grey… something, smoke bellowing from it. The object had left a long trail on the ground where it had, apparently, landed.
A minute of hesitation later, I was already on my way towards the object. As I got closer to it, I recognized what it was: a car. My mouth fell agape – cubic angles, a radiator shining in the light of the midnight sun, the round edges of the windows – everything was perfect. So perfect, in fact, that I was only barely able to avoid blacking out. I’d seen a few ruined cars, but none of them could, in any way, compare with this one.
Worried of the smoke, I broke into a gallop. “Please – *huff* – don’t – *puff* – be broken!” I exclaimed, as if the car could somehow hear my voice. When I reached the it, I saw a black figure sitting in the driver’s seat. My curiosity awoken, I put my head against the window, trying to see just what was there.
“We are not broken!” shouted the form suddenly, shaking itself. I couldn’t breathe – couldn’t take my eyes off the thing – as ash flaked off it, revealing an utterly alien skeleton. It was holding the wheel with its five-fingered front hooves, looking at me with its weird, round skull. “We have arrived from another plane of existence, mortal! Bow before your God, or be smitten by a bolt of thunderous fury, scattering you across the lonely tundra as tiny pieces!”
My hooves were trembling, and my heart was racing. Do it, idiot. I keeled onto the ground, bowing so deep that my muzzle pushed into the ground. “I’fm youfr fmost humble sferfvant!” I mumbled, getting a hoof-full of soil in my mouth.
The car revved vigorously, letting out a low rumble that sent waves of pleasure through my body. “Hear, mortal! We have accepted thy pledge. From now on, you will serve as the most humble co-driver of us, the Great Trabant. Tremble in fear under our mighty roar, mortal!” The loud revving of the car made me drool. How can a car be that amazing?
I rose up, an adoring grin plastered on my face; now my heart wasn’t racing out of fear, but of excitement. The T-sign on the car’s hood had started to glow a red light. “What are you waiting for? Get in!” With a creak, the door to the passenger’s side in front of me opened. The skeleton was staring at me intently, causing shivers to run down my spine as I stepped in. And promptly, I got stuck in the entrance. “Mortal! You disappoint us!”
Tears swelled up in my eyes. “Look, God, I’m trying! Just don’t kill me, okay?” The skeleton shook its head, slapping it hard with its other front hoof. I was sweating profusely, finally managing to push inside the car after a minute. It was only by dumb luck that I wasn’t dead already, but still, the cramped insides of the car forced me to sit very uncomfortably on my rump. At least the grey leather furnishing of the seat was somewhat soft.
“We understand that we cannot expect more from mere mortals,” stated the skeleton with a compassionate voice, patting my shoulder with its… arm? “But as of now, you have had your training, and thus, we have to warn you: get stuck again, and both of your legs will be cut off while you are hanged from your entrails, your back mangled into such a position that you can suck your own penis.”
My face flushed white, but I nodded. “Of course; I understand. I promise that won’t happen again, my Lord.”
“Good.” With that, the skeleton pulled out a cigarette from under his bench, lighting it up by exhaling a white flame from its mouth. After coughing furiously, the skeleton pulled out another, offering it to me. “Now that the fucking formalities are over, ya can lax’, dude.”
I wasn’t one to refuse a smoke, and took the cigarette from the skeleton’s grasp. “Aww, man!” I squeled, smiling at the skeleton. “That was awfully sweet of you. Thanks!”
The skeleton shrugged. “No problem, dude. Want me to light that one up for ya?” Without waiting for an answer, the skeleton snatched my cigarette, lighting it up just like the previous one a moment before. “Name’s Rand, by the way.”
“Cool name,” I said, taking the cig again. I put in my mouth, breathing in like my life depended on it. So incredible was the taste that my eyes swelled up with tears again. “Ooh, this is so fucking good, man! Never tasted anything like this. Oh, and I’m Exploitation Hermit. My parents fucking hated me, I swear.”
“Don’t worry, man, your name’s totally radical!” comforted the skeleton. “Don’t cry, dude! Uncle Rand can take ya for a sweet-ass ride. Would that cheer ya up?”
Wiping the tears from my eyes, I giggled like a little filly. “Oh, but uncle Rand! You don’t have to. I surely don’t deserve a ride with you. My ass is all dirty and also fucking huge. Besides, you don’t even have a dick.” Nevertheless, I could feel my own penis swell up for the thought of making love with an alien skeleton, making a heat rise up my cheeks.
The cigarette dropped from the skeleton’s mouth as it fell open, staying like that for a while. Then, the skeleton shook its head hastily. “No, man! What the fuck’s wrong with you! I’m fucking married! What do you think I am? Gay? Seriously, dude, you’re a big fucking perv. I was talking about taking you on a ride with this fucking car right here.”
“Oh.” I grinned sheepishly, feeling like a total idiot. “I’m sorry, man. It’s just that all I ever did with my wife was fuck. Her vagina was totally gross and all, but sure felt better than shagging one of those cancerous reindeers.”
“I know that feeling, dude,” sighed the skeleton. “One would think that women have brains. Well, actually, I don’t have one, either, but whatever. I suppose that men and women are only meant to fuck together, if ya know what I mean. It’s not like women could be true bros with men, ever.”
I suppose she’s talking about mares. “Yeah. You’ve gotta give them some credit, though. My wife made decent soup out of even the smelliest reindeer shit. It’s not like there’s anything else to eat here, besides grass.”
Instead of answering, the skeleton turned its head back to the windshield, grabbing the gear stick and setting it to first. “Let’s roll out!” The skeleton floored the gas, making the car twitch forward and the engine roar, but we moved only a few inches forward. “Fuck, dude! It’s stuck! I hate this tundra. How can someone live here?”
“It’s not like I have an option…” I said with a sad voice. “Besides, the nightless nights and the endless twilight of winter have their charm. Shit, I just went all poetical! I guess the North does make us all go crazy, eventually.”
The skeleton shrugged, revving the engine once more. Suddenly, an intense heat burned my rump, and I yelped in pain as I was pressed against my bench. A powerful rumble tortured my ears, but as we lifted off, the pain eased, though my butt cheeks still tingled annoyingly. “Did you really have to do that?” I asked as the car picked up speed over the tundra, flying barely above the heads of the oblivious reindeer.
“We are born to travel, mortal,” proclaimed the skeleton, pulling the window on its side open.“Feel the power of the Great Trabant! Feel the chill of wind swirling your hair, while you run over the most foolish of grandmothers and other non-automobilists!”
“Sure, Mister Rand…” Despite the tingling of my ass and the ringing of my ears, I was already enjoying the ride. “Hey, I know what we should do! There are so many reindeer around that I’m starting to get annoyed. We could, you know, play a game of slaughter-the-pest!”
“Eh.” The skeleton shook its head. “I’m mighty sorry, dude, but I just can’t let ya drive this beast. See, I’m her bitch, and she’s my master. Basically, I’m her slave. If she wants her exhausts oiled, I’ll do it. If she wants me to beat you up by throwing my ribs at you, I’m not one to object. That’s just the way it is, dude. Has been ever since I became her servant. But yeah, this is still one of the nicer curses, if you ask me.”
“Man. That’s some deep shit.”
“Yeah.” Turning its head forward again, the skeleton turned the wheel sharply, swerving us to the left so violently that I hit my head painfully at the door. There was a muted thud, and then, I saw entrails and blood splattered all over the windshield. “Got one! I’m the man! Fuck yeah, dude!”
I nodded in approval. “Nice one, man.”
“I’m normally not one to brag, but yeah, it was. Hey, dude, wanna see me kill more of those fucking meatbags?”
“Yay!” I exclaimed, awkwardly hugging the skeleton.
--
After much pointless bloodshed, we were coasting far above the barren land, at least a thousand feet up. From here, even the giant crater where the Crystal City had been was visible. My heart was filled with joy and amazement – this had, so far, been the best day of my life. Who would have thought that I’d be driving around with an alien skeleton? This is fucking rad. And not in the bad, melt-off-your-flesh rad, but cool rad. Fuck yeah.
But then, the car started to descend, slowing down. “We are terribly sorry, mortal, but you have already served us, and will have to continue to do so,” told the skeleton with a hint of sadness in its voice, making me frown in disbelief. “We need fuel to run – and that fuel is hard to come by. If you could kindly stay in one place as we extract the necessary substances from you, that would be much appreciated.
“In other words, dude, we need to take your soul,” sighed the skeleton, suddenly taking its hands off the wheel and pushing them into my throat. I could do nothing as terrible jolts of pain wracked my upper body – in seconds, the skeleton pushed its arms all the way down to my stomach, ripping and tearing my insides. I could but helplessly gurgle blood as I was tortured by Rand, a skeleton who was supposed to be my best friend.
But as I was on the brink of blacking out, the skeleton pulled, ripping incredible amounts of flesh and innards out of me. For a brief moment, I couldn’t see, hear, or feel anything. Then, the world blurrily returned. The pain was gone.
“What in the name of fucking God was that, Rand?!” I screamed, pointing at the skeleton. My heart almost stopped – no – fuck, no.
My hoof was now a mere collection of bones. Chills went, quite literally, down my spine, when I turned my heard downwards, seeing my skeletal structure from behind my ribcage.
“You’ll get used to it, dude,” assured Rand, patting my spine. “T’was hard for me at first, too. But skeletons are fucking cool, really. And besides, you’ll get to travel in different dimensions! Aren’t ya already bored of raping and slaughtering reindeer?”
I scratched my skull, taking a moment to gather my thoughts. Then, I turned my stare forward, where the endless tundra had turned into a swirling, crimson vortex. After a while, I felt my facial bones turn into a skeletal grin. “Fuck yeah, man! This is gonna be the best road-trip ever!”
