A Fine Day in Ponyville School
A Fine Day in Ponyville School.
Cheerilee beamed happily as she walked down the path to the school house where she would be gleefully teaching the little fillies and colts about the wonders of Equestria, reading, and, of course, maths!
Why she found joy in teaching maths was beyond anypony else. Needless to say, she always tried to make it fun for the kids, with mixed results.
Little did she realise that today would be a little different than normal.
With boundless energy she pushed the door open and trotted in. A greeting and a happy proclamation of a good day died on her lips, the funeral a noisy affair.
The foals were all gallivanting around the class, a clutter of papers, pens and other miscellaneous school gear swirling along with them. Screaming followed the tornado, and apparently Sweetie Belle had found her way to the ceiling and was questioning, loudly, how she had managed to get up there.
Cheerilee boggled, before clearing her throat. "Class!"
Everypony stopped. The items that were caught in the tempest of chaos froze in mid-air. A colt dropped the plank of wood onto Scootaloo, and the orange pegasus went limp with her facial features remaining unchanged. Sweetie Belle still didn't yield to gravity's cruel clutches. Apple Bloom extracted her head from a desk. Diamond Tiara and Silver Spoon might have stopped kissing or whatever they did to be so damn close. Cheerilee normally expected the class to be less... disordered.
"Demmit, Farsahght!" Apple Bloom growled in her country drawl. "Y'were s'posed ta let us know when she was comin'!"
"Shorry." A colt replied meekly.
In a flash, the class was back in its normal ordered way, the class sitting at their seats and eyes fixated on Cheerilee. The magenta mare was only moderately freaked out by this. She cleared her throat.
"Alright, class, let's get out the homework you had!" She said with practiced, but genuine, joy.
Scootaloo held up her hoof. "Miss?"
"Yes, Scootaloo?"
"I think I ate mine."
Cheerilee blinked, her smile persisting but her mind reeling. "I... see?"
"Or a demon got it."
"Well, you did scribble something random on it." Sweetie Belle offered. "You might have summoned him."
"I didn't summon him!" Scootaloo protested. "He just randomly appeared."
"Wait, Ah though he was a giant sandwich." Apple Bloom murmured.
"He was! He was a giant black demon sandwich!" Scootaloo shrieked and flailed her hooves.
"Girls!" Cheerilee screamed. The fillies stopped and turned to face her. "You'll have to redo the homework. Anypony else forgot their homework?"
"I left it outside."
"My cat ate it, then my dog ate the cat, then Cerberus ate my house."
"Rarity sewed it into a dress!"
"I peed on it. NO, WAIT, IT WAS MY GOLDFISH!"
"I fed it to my brother. Thunderlane likes homework pie."
"I posted it on Muzzlebook."
"I posted mine to Fillydelphia for proof-reading."
"Mine teleported to Canterlot."
"Snips stole mine!"
"Snails stole mine!"
Cheerilee rubbed her temples. "So, did anypony do their homework?"
A single colt raised his hoof.
"Well, one out of twen-"
"I need to pee." The colt murmured.
Cheerilee bit down a growl of utter frustration and waved him off. The colt sped ridiculously fast to the toilet room. He was never seen again; the toilet was hungry today and demanded sacrifices.
"Well, that ruins part one of my lesson plan." Cheerilee deadpanned, before returning to her usual smiles and happy faces. "Alright, class, bring out your papers and pencils, it's time to take some notes!"
To her joy, her class did exactly that, without any sort of weirdness. Using her hoof, she drew up some notes on Equestrian history the blackboard, hoping that her class was actually doing what she wanted them to. A glance back confirmed that. Once finished, she turned around and began an explanation on what she knew about the topic, providing some juicy facts to keep her class somewhat more interested.
She took a breath after explaining, and then asked if anypony had any questions. A few hooves shot up, and she did her usual 'eenie-meenie-miney-mo' technique to choose who she'd hear from first. Her hoof rested on ~~Nyan Cat MLXVII~~ a colt by the name of Truffle Shuffle, who was wearing a strange baseball cap with a poptart on it. Literally, there was a poptart on it.
"Yes, Truffle?"
"Who's best pony?"
Cheerilee had to blink away the question and moved onto Silver Spoon. "Yes, Silver Spoon?"
"Why is history boring?"
"Because shut up." Scootaloo, who had been rather engrossed in the lesson, swiftly countered. Silver Spoon proceeded to throw a balled-up piece of paper at the orange pegasus, who did that weird going limp thing again. Cheerilee was sure she was fine, though, as she almost instantly picked herself up afterwards. However, the silver-coated filly still had to be punished.
"Silver Spoon, go stand in the corner." Cheerilee sternly told the bully, pointing a hoof first at the filly and then the corner she was soon to have to relocate to.
"But that corner's boooooring!" Silver Spoon whined. "What about the other corner?"
"Tough." Cheerilee growled, her voice sending the filly literally flying to the corner, landing perfectly on her hooves. The magenta teacher had no idea what happened, and neither did the green-maned stallion at the typewriter, who made a note never to break the fourth wall again. Ever.
Cheerilee turned back to her class, and smiled, one eye twitching. "Any other questions?"
No hooves went up.
"Ok then!" Cheerilee said with way too much enthusiasm, most of it forced. "Time for some reading!"
Everypony pulled out the book they were all reading and moved around a large central table Cheerilee didn't remember existing. The magenta adult sat in the circle and, clearing her throat, began reading out some of the book, modulating her throat to match. The book was supposed to be "Bluebelle in Wonderland" but the cover read "Derp der da derp". Same cover image, though.
Not to mention there was an added scene where Bluebelle had found a glowing bottle of orange juice which caused her eyes to go all over the place and she ran off a cliff into a dimensional portal which landed her in Cheerilee's class room. Not to mention that, as she read it out, a random blue pony with a blond mane fell through a portal into her class, only to disappear as soon as that point in the story was reached.
None of the foals noticed.
Soon, she closed the book, and sighed. "Alright then, any questions?"
A blue colt raised his hoof.
"Yes, dear?" Cheerilee asked, not remembering this pony at all.
The pony grinned, and in a voice which sounded more like a gruff stallion from Glascolt, yelled "YA SUCK!" and proceeded to tableflip the table onto Cheerilee, before being enveloped in a cloud and turning into a gruff stallion from Glascolt, scampering out of the classroom with a manic laugh.
With a karate chop Cheerilee broke the table into molecules and stood up, shaking her head to clear her head of all the nonsense. Sadly, the nonsense didn't quite disappear.
"Alright, class, stand up, time to do some fun maths work! I'd like all the fillies to stand on one side of the room and all the colts of the other."
The ponies complied, which brought a smile to her face. As it turned out, about four of the class were actually male, the other sixteen were fillies. Or were they? It was so hard to tell when one particular pony looked like both.
"Alright, how many fillies are here?" Cheerilee asked the colts. After some counting, discussion, debate, running the info through tribunal, a few murders of aristocracy and at least one gruesomely violent civil war, they came back with an answer; sixteen.
Cheerilee stepped away from the growing puddle of chocolate milk surrounding the prone form of Discord in the corner. The draconequus immediately stood up, sucked up the chocolate milk through a silly-straw and apologised for accidentally dropping his carton of chocolate milk during the seventeenth battle of Canterlot, and promptly chose the opportunity to vanish before Cheerilee could possibly reply. Not that she was capable of doing so anyway.
"Alright girls, how many colts are there?"
"Five-hundred” Sweetie Belle replied with wall-eyes.
The magenta teacher blinked in surprise for the umpteenth time that day. "Nnnnno, I don't think that's right."
"Are you sure? 'Cuz Ah can see five-hundred." Apple Bloom pondered with a chin on her hoof.
"Me too." Scootaloo added.
"Yeah." Diamond Tiara had to agree, as much as she loathed the first three fillies.
"Mhm!" Silver Spoon hummed.
"SILVER SPOON GET BACK IN THE CORNER!" Cheerilee thundered. The silver-coated foal solemnly plodded back to the corner. "OTHER CORNER!" and corrected her path to head to the other corner.
All the other fillies, and the colts, agreed with the estimate given by the Cutie Mark Crusaders.
"Tell me; how come there are five-hundred and, say, not four?" Cheerilee asked.
"Y'all got Truffle, Featherweight, Rumble, Shrubbery, Shrubbery point 2, Shrubbery point 3, Shrubbery point 4..." Apple Bloom continued. Cheerilee glanced at the foals and her jaw flung open on its own accord.
Apparently there were five hundred colts. Granted, four hundred and ninety-seven of them were identical, but still.
She closed her eyes for a second and four hundred and ninety-six colts turned into butterflies and flew into the flanks of a butter-yellow pegasus before exploding into confetti.
"Oh, wait, there's only four. Never mind." Sweetie Belle muttered.
"Okay!" Cheerilee smiled as she heard a bell go. "Time for recess!"
Somepony knocked on the door first, however. The teacher pony rushed up to it and opened it up, faced with the sight of Derpy Hooves dressed in an adorable mailmare uniform.
"I brought you a letterrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr-” Derpy said, before shuddering a little and her eyes turned completely blue, little white words making her pupils. She promptly fell over into the mud, her hoof shooting up and holding up a letter. Wrong address.
Cheerilee kicked Derpy away from the doorway just before a tide of tiny ponies ran her over. Her back, left ear and one quarter of her pancreas hurt like mad. Oh, and maybe her liver too.
She picked herself up and dusted herself off. She enjoyed the sight of the foals playing in the sun, the summer sun beaming down on them and warming them up. Though, one question came to the foray of her brain.
She trotted up to the slightly obese Truffle Shuffle, and tapped him on the shoulder. "Excuse me, Truffle?"
"Yes miss?"
"Why do you have a poptart on your hat?"
"What poptart?"
Cheerilee pointed at the blatantly obvious poptart.
"That's not a poptart."
"That's not?" Cheerilee asked, her head tilting to the side. It looked like a poptart, smelled like a poptart, felt like a poptart, wasn't a nyan cat like a poptart (subject to debate), and other factors that made it a poptart and, say not-
"It's a solar-powered fusion gun."
-a solar-powered fusion gun- WAIT WHAT?!
Cheerilee couldn't even.
At the same time, the pop-tart glowed ominously, and the little big grey pony pointed it at the school house. At the same time a beam of yellow energy tore through it and destroyed the building, the butterflyconfetticolts, a few trees, an errant bear on a pogo-stick, some ethanol, a tea party, and went through a dimensional portal and bitch-slapped Celestia, who was rather annoyed that a column of energy had the gall to do that and promptly banished it to the moon, then it shot all the way back down into the school house. Just to make it clear the school house was quite thoroughly fusion'd.
Cheerilee whimpered as she struggled to understand anything.
"What in the name of..."
"See, told you." Truffle Shuffle smirked.
"YOU DESTROYED THE SCHOOL HOUSE!"
A piece of debris flew out and bounced across the ground. It stuck up in the ground and leaned onto Scootaloo, who went limp again.
"You might have killed Silver Spoon!"
"I'm fine, miss." Silver Spoon said, trotting out unscathed save for her entire body being on fire.
"You're on fire."
"No, I'm on acid." Silver Spoon grinned, before suddenly tripping out and falling onto her back as her face went haywire.
"Since when did she have drugs?" Cheerilee apprehensively said, cautious of what the answer might be.
"Since she said she was on acid." Diamond Tiara claimed, her tiara upside down on her head and glowing with darkness. Don't ask me how that works.
Cheerilee couldn't even think of a response.
"Hey, miss, guess what?" Sweetie Belle bounced up on her haunches, before standing annoyingly close to her.
"What...?" Cheerilee asked, her eyes narrowing and her eyebrow rising.
"BEEP BEEP MOVAFUDGA” Sweetie Belle shouted before beeping loudly like an alarm clock.
Then all the other foals followed her action. Cheerilee just whimpered.
Cheerilee pried her eyes open, before slamming her hoof on her alarm clock and groaning. Her face took on a shade of green as she shot out of bed, fighting down the queasiness in her stomach, flinging open her bedroom door and galloping to the toilet.
She couldn't hold her stomach's contents in for long.
After a minute, she pulled her face from out of the toilet and groaned. More so when she heard a familiar chuckle from beyond the door.
"Someone can't hold their alcohol." The husky voice of Berry Punch said, a smirk present in her inflection.
"It wasn't the alcohol, it was the chocolate." Cheerilee weakly replied, fighting down another bout of nausea.
"You had some booze too, y'know."
"You had most of it. I had the choco-ulp!" Again, another quick bout of vomiting as her body tried to expel the excess waste in her stomach. Chocolate does not taste the same coming up as it does going down.
"Gonna take the day off then?" Berry Punch drawled, amused.
"It's the weekend." Cheerilee sighed, wiping her muzzle with some toilet paper.
"It is?" Berry Punch asked slowly.
"It always is when you don't have a job." Cheerilee groaned.
Berry Punch was silent for a little longer than she probably should have been. "Yeah yeah, I'll get around to that. You want something for breakfast?"
"As long as it doesn't involve alcohol or chocolate, then yes please."
"Aww ok." Berry Punch sighed. "By the way, I heard you speaking in your sleep again. Another fever dream?"
Cheerilee nodded, then realised that Berry probably couldn't see her, and then used a vocal affirmation. After a moment, she lifted herself to her hooves, and walked out.
"No more chocolate parties until three in the morning for me."
Author's Note
Disclaimer: I do not hate Scootaloo. I just thought it'd be funny if I borrow a shtick from the Garry's Mod movies I watch.
So yes, a quick little one-shot fic where I take the silliest parts of my mind and bring them forward. I blame my brother, Sigma the Awesome, for making me write this.
Let me know what you think 
any feedback is much appreciated.
