Fallout: Horse Country

If I’m going to tell you about the adventure of my life — explain how I got to this place with these people, and why I did what I’m going to do next — I should probably start by explaining a little bit about PipeBucks.

I have a thing called a PipeBuck, which is a thing which is like a GPS but with only green colours. When you're about 10, they weld one onto you without your permission. It can show you how much health you've got left, act as a radio and help you hold your stuff. It can also tell you where ponies are, but only if they are both wearing a PipeBuck and making a lot of noise. For example:

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEEEUEUEUEUEUEUEUEUEUUEUEUEUUEUUUUUUUU!!!" I shouted at the air.

"Shut up, ya cunt! Everyone'll hear where ya'rr!" my mother explained, making it obvious that she had scurvy.

"Alright, ya bitch!" I spouted profusely. "Stop whining! I'm just talking to my friends, Jesus!"

"No daughter o' mine is gonna use the Lord's name in vain!" she yelled incompetently, kicking me in the butt with her pegleg until I got out of the house.

* * *

Well, there wasn't much I could do about that. My mother is a bitch, so she does this all the time. Oh well.

Anyway, I am the apprentice of an electrical technician in this place, so I have skills with this stuff. For proof, just look at my butt here. My cutie mark says I'm a world class electronic technician. Even better than that perverted old stallion who taught me this shit. I'm actually glad he died. I got it because of all the mundane tasks I had to do while using my PipeBuck.

Now that I think about it, I think I know why they called them 'PipeBucks'. It's because, just over 200 years ago, there was an invasion by the Steampunk universe, which had previously conquered the Cyberpunk universe, but we stomped their asses. We had neither the technology to build them nor the will to name anything so badly. It's pretty interesting if you think about it.

But I digress. I'm good with technology and that is why this is my cutie mark. End of story.

Wait, sorry, I mean that was the end of the explanation. I can't believe I nearly terminated this recording — OOPS! I mean, narrative. Spoiler alert, whoo!

Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I think it's also a weapon because, if you're wearing it, you can see a bunch of little bars that tell you if someone wants to kill you. That isn't what makes it a weapon, though. What makes it a weapon is that it can use those bars to discern targets and accurately and automatically target particular parts of their bodies with whatever weapon it thinks you're holding. That's called the Stable-Tec Arcane Targeting Spell, or 'S.A.T.S.'.

As for most ponies, though, it is only used as a radio, which is a shame. Sometimes it makes me depressed to see how meaningless the lives of these ponies really are. Most of the time, radio is used for streaming sports, although, in Stable 2, there is really only one sport: Extreme Wrestling. That seems to be the only thing Earth Ponies are good for, but at least it keeps the place somewhat lively.

Yep. Unicorns are definitely the best at deveoping technology. I should know; I am one. Unicorns are also the best at music, because we have one here, who is a Death Metal musician, called Velvet Rambo. The Stable's Overmare is also a unicorn, and she recreated the fucking sun in here, just so that we could grow food. Unfortunately, it often also causes the food to burn up or dry out, but hey, what are you gonna do?

Oh, my name is Little Pipe. That is for one of two reasons: either my mother saw a little pipe while giving birth to me, or I was originally born as a pipe.

Pleased to meet you. Now you have to listen to this...