A Derp in Time

by Glimglam

Rating: everyone
Tags: Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Other, Adventure, Derpy Hooves
Length: 2548

In a desperate bid to earn some extra money, Derpy asks Twilight for a job at the library. The only job she had available? Looking after an old, banged-up Time Machine. Surely, nothing could possibly go wrong...?

Derpy Hooves is a happily-occupied mailmare. And as everypony knows, she's extremely fond of muffins. But for those rare instances in which she lacks a muffin to her name, she doesn't take it very well. So, one fine day, Derpy is both lacking in muffins... AND in money. Having no other option, the mailmare decides to get an emergency job at the local library.

Unfortunately, Twilight Sparkle doesn't have much need for yet another assistant; much less one that needs pay. So, to keep Derpy happy for a change, she decides to give her the only other job she could think of... let her keep an eye on a rusty old Time Machine that she just happened to have stashed away in the basement.

...What could possibly go wrong?

Written in my infinite boredom, another fic dedicated to everyone's favorite muffin-lover, and slightly more sensible than the last one I wrote. A two-part fanfic, so, expect Part 2 to come along soon. I might even do more with this idea later on, so who knows?

Published 2013-06-24 02:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-24 02:00:01 UTC

Part I

It was anything but a normal day in Equestria. If one were to as much as glance at it, they could tell right away that things were amiss. Something was very wrong in Equestria. So wrong, that the faculties of time and space itself were being put on the brink of destruction. So catastrophic, that nopony had any hope of possibly correcting this unthinkable paradox. It was the very thing that foals would have nightmares about. The very idea that caused even the most stoic Royal Guard to quake in their horseshoes.

Derpy Hooves had run out of muffins.

At first, she thought she had made a mistake. An err in judgment, if you will. Perhaps the muffins were there all along, and she simply hadn't yet found them. So, she searched again. And again. Nope, still no muffins. This had to have been a fault; Derpy always had fresh muffins on hoof, ready to munch, chew, and swallow on a moment's notice. To not have muffins was simply not conceivable.

The pegasus pony was shocked. She had checked in the cupboards, in the bread box, the fridge, the garbage can, and even her bathtub. All of the places she would stash away her muffins (in case of muffin emergencies, of course) were vacant. Not a single delectably simple pastry existed within her home. Not even that old, crusty one that had been thrown in the trash bin because the smell had been attracting wildlife. That was presumably eaten by said wildlife while she wasn’t looking.

“Oh well… at least I can just make some more…”

And so, Derpy checked the hallowed 'Ingredient Cabinet' for everything that was required for her special brand of muffins. Flour, eggs, baking soda, some bran, a little pinch of cinnamon… and… other things. It was all there—

…Uh-oh.

“Wh-what…? No… no ingredients?”

Alas, it was true. Tragically, she had forgotten that the last time she baked muffins she had already cleaned out her supply cabinet. Derpy had even left a little slip of paper in the empty space left behind, reminding her to 'GET MORE MUFFIN STUFF!' in extremely indecipherable hoofwriting. (Needless to say, that worked about as well as could be expected.) This… would not stand. This was unimaginable. There would only be one possible solution for this calamity, this conundrum of epic proportions:

It was time to go grocery shopping.

Derpy's occupation as a mailmare (formerly a mover until the incident with the piano occurred) supplied plenty of bits for her steady snack diet. Today was a glorious Sunday, however, and that meant there was no work to be done, since the postal service doesn't run on Sundays. No work, meant no bits. Phooey! Now how could she buy her muffins/muffin ingredients? Oh, if only she hadn't already spent her leftover funds on that brand-spankin'-new saddlebag!

There was only one thing that could be done about this problem. One thing, and one thing only: She had to borrow some cash. And who better to borrow from than her 'bestest friend' in the whole of Equestria, Carrot Top?

* * *

“I am NOT going to give you money again!” the farmer snapped, leveling a glare at Derpy. “You never even pay me back, anyway! You already owe me, like, 500 bits! I'm trying to make a living here, and I can't do that if you keep mooching money off of me!”

“But Carrot Toooooooooop!”

“I said NO!”

“But Carroooooooo—”

SLAM!

The door was slammed shut so fast, it struck the poor pegasus in the face and sent her reeling backwards, where her rump met the cobblestone path with enthusiasm (and pain).

Well, so much for that.

Feeling dejected, Derpy flew away from Carrot Top's house and headed for home. Now what was she going to do? Without any bits, then she couldn't buy any more ingredients! And without ingredients, she couldn't bake any muffins! As Roseluck would have put it: “The horror! THE HORROR!”

But just when all hope for harmony seemed lost, a miracle occurred. Derpy was flying past the Golden Oaks Library, when she got an idea. A fantastic idea; one that made her ponder why she hadn't thought of it previously. After all, there is more than one way to skin a ca—I mean… to shave a sheep. Yeah.

* * *

“…So let me get this straight,” Twilight asked, arching an eyebrow with befuddlement, “you want to work here? Like, as in, a job?”

Derpy grinned and nodded her head vigorously. “Yeah! I really need money for muffins!”

Twilight furrowed her brow with confusion. “But I thought you already have a job…”

“It's in the postal service, and that's closed today! So I reeeeeeally need a quick job! Anything!”

“I… see,” the unicorn replied, sighing. “But, I really don't see how I could, Derpy. I already have two assistants that aren't even working for pay, so I can't imagine hiring somepony else to do extra work that can easily be handled by ourselves. Plus, I don't think our insurance policy covers anything that you might bring upon us…”

“Pleeeeeeeease Twilight? I really need muffin money!” Derpy begged, cupping her hooves together and pleading. “It'll just be for today! Pleeeeeease please please please please please please please—”

“But I don't…”

“—please please please please please please please please—”

“I really shouldn't…”

“—please please please please please please pleeeeeEEEEEEAASSSS—”

“OKAY! OKAY! FINE!”

“Yay!”

And just like that, Derpy went from being a full-time minimum-wage mailmare to a part-time temporary even-less-wage library assistant. And she could have never been happier. The same couldn't be said for Twilight, however, who saw it fit to softly bang her head against the wall enough times to bring about the slightest of headaches.

Derpy was too busy being happy to notice.

* * *

True to the librarian's warning, there wasn't really a lot to do around the place. All the obvious tasks of arranging books, picking up trash, sweeping, mopping and so on and so forth were already taken care of (with extreme ease, I might add) by Twilight and Spike prior to the mailmare's arrival. But despite this, the unicorn did have something for Derpy to do; something that she herself had yet to attend to, and something that pretty much nopony else in town was bonkers enough to help with. And that was saying a lot.

As Twilight led the pegasus into the basement, where the 'extra work' was to be found, she explained the details of the job. “Since I have no other chores or tasks that need to be done,” she said, “then the only possible thing that you could help with would be… well, this!”

The thing that awaited both mares in the basement wouldn't have been out of place at a Star Trot or Doctor Whoof convention. Here, it was just plain outlandish. It appeared to be a stripped-down carriage (only the bars and skeletal portions of the support beams were present, without coverings), though instead of wood, it appeared to be made of a shiny bronze or perhaps copper-like metal. A plush-looking chair was mounted in the center of the 'carriage', right behind what appeared to be some kind of control panel with a plethora of flashing lights and strange knobs and buttons. Mounted vertically on the back of the strange machine seemed to be a huge concave “disc” that slowly spun under some mysterious force, and Derpy was briefly hypnotized by the slow, gentle rotations.

Dang, was it ever cool.

“Wow! That looks so awesome!” the pegasus exclaimed, her eyes spinning with excitement and wonder. Her grin slowly faltered after a moment, and was replaced by a confused (and quite sheepish) frown. “…Um… what is it?”

Obviously, Twilight appeared to be quite proud of this ungainly (but still totally kick-flank) machine, if her wide-as-a-mile grin was anything to go by. “In the simplest terms… it's a little something called the Time Machine!”

Derpy gasped. “Oh-my-gosh! A time machine?! Wow! …Uh, what's a time machine do?”

“Well… as the name may suggest,” Twilight said, rolling her eyes, “it allows a pony to travel through time; past or future, anytime that you can possibly think of.”

“SERIOUSLY?!” the pegasus squealed, gazing at the machine with eyes glossed-over from amazement. Her eyes slowly lost their luster as they began to illustrate confusion once again. “…Um, so… what does that mean?”

The unicorn facehoofed. “Really? Really, Derpy? How much more clear-cut obvious can I be without practically spelling it—” She stopped herself, thought for a moment, and sighed. “…You know what? Forget it. I’ll just tell you what you need to do.”

Derpy readied herself. What kind of task was Twilight about to give her? If it involved a time machine, then it had to have been an awesome job! Clearly, this was the best decision she had made all day; if not the best decision she’s ever made in a long time.

“Alright,” Twilight began, clearing her throat. “Your job…”

“Yeah…?”

“For today…”

“Yeah?”

“Is…”

“Yeah!?”

“…to keep an eye on this ol’ piece of junk while me and Spike go out shopping.”

“…Oh. Well, that’s fun too… kinda.”

Derpy wasn’t exactly ecstatic about this kind of job involving a time machine. She was kind of hoping for something more along the lines of an epic journey through time and space and whatnot. But there’s a moment for everything, and it didn’t seem to be now.

Twilight took no notice of the pegasus’s disappointment, since she was still busy rattling off a list of instructions that she probably spent an hour penning. “…and if the quantum fuel injectors start leaking, then, I don’t know, put some duct tape on it. That always works. Anyway…” The unicorn turned back to face Derpy. “The main point is, just stand right here beside it, and don’t. Move. An. Inch. Got that?”

No wonder nopony else was bonkers enough to take this job. Not only was it completely unnecessary, but it involved a lot of standing around doing nothing. It was all-but the quintessence of boredom. But if it meant getting her daily dose of muffins, then Derpy was more than willing to subject herself to this task.

“Remember Derpy,” warned Twilight, emphasizing her words. “Not. An. Inch. And for the love of Celestia, if you absolutely have to move, then don’t… touch… the humidifier. Those things are expensive to replace, okay? Otherwise, just make yourself comfortable.”

And with that, Twilight departed up the stairs, leaving behind a patiently-waiting pegasus sitting beside one of the most complicated and powerful machines ever crafted by pony hooves.

The job actually went fairly well at first. Derpy sat quietly beside the time machine, idly glancing around the basement at all of the other cool stuff that Twilight had kept down here. Oh, but none were as cool as that Time Machine-thing that Derpy was meant to be keeping an eye on.

Although she knew that she wasn’t supposed to move an “inch”, the pegasus wasn’t precisely sure how long an “inch” was meant to be in the first place. If she hadn’t heard of it before, then logically, it must be the highest unit of measurement thus far. There was a trot, a gallop, and then… an inch! Yes, that was brilliant! Derpy patted herself on the back for figuring it out, and decided to use her allocated “inch” of movement to have a seat on that comfy-looking Time Machine chair.

Once she was comfortably seated (she had to use that “technique” that Lyra Heartstrings had months ago figured out and since became known for), Derpy looked down at the control panel that was situated in front of her. None of the buttons or switches was marked with labels — it clearly wasn’t built with user-friendliness in mind — with the exception of what appeared to be an antiquated number display. On it were the numbers “03 / 14 / +1002”, which was, as it happened, today’s date: March 14th, 1002 A.C.

Of course, Derpy hadn’t owned a calendar in several years, and wasn’t even truly aware of the numbers’ meaning, much less what day it even was. They still managed to capture her interest, and after she was finished spinning the number dials like a top, the display ended up reading “03 / 30 / –0303”. She liked the number three you see, although if asked, she couldn’t think of a good reason why it was.

Like most ponies, she eventually got bored. The spinning number dial was not sufficient in producing extended periods of joy, and thus, she had to switch to a different task. Hmm, that stick-shaped thing looked awfully interesting…

With a goofy little smile on her face, Derpy reached out towards the lever mounted on the side of the control panel, and gave it a quick yank. Immediately, the whole contraption she was sitting in began to shake and rattle around. The lights on the panel started flashing sporadically, and small bolts of static electricity flew out from under the machine and formed arcs around it.

Naturally, Derpy Hooves was quite surprised by this sudden development. “Uh-oh!” she yelped, clinging to her tiny little seat for security. “I-is that s-supposed to happen?!”

The shuddering machine grew more violent in its vibrations, and for a moment the pegasus wondered whether she would be thrown right off the seat from the force. A corona of blue, crackling electricity formed in a sphere-shape around the time machine, and out of the corner of her wayward eye Derpy saw the dish mounted on the back spinning at a heart-stopping velocity. It was also, like, really loud.

And then… it slowly began to stop.

Everything began to settle down at long last. Once Derpy’s eyes stopped spiraling about in their sockets, she then had a distinct want and need to eject what little breakfast she had. The feeling thankfully passed without fulfillment, and the pegasus finally got a good look at her surroundin—

Uh-oh.

Where there should have been the surrounding dankness of the library basement, Derpy could only see open, empty fields. Well, maybe not completely empty. There was a road running through it, and a few trees here and there… but otherwise, yeah, it was pretty bare.

Well, darn.

Derpy didn’t have very long to fully wrap her head around what situation she was in, since in the distance a group of oddly-dressed earth ponies were galloping straight for her. Upon reaching the time machine Derpy was seated in, the ponies — there were four of them, three stallions and one mare — glared daggers at her. “You! Pegasus!” one of the stallions demanded. “What art thou doing on earthen territory?”

Not sure what to do, but still not wishing to be rude, the gray pegasus waved a hoof and timidly smiled. “Uh, h-hi there! I’m Derpy Hooves! Um, can you help? I think I’m kinda lost…”

“I would most certainly think so!” the same stallion snapped, narrowing his eyes threateningly. “I ask thee again, lest we have your feathers plucked: reveal thy foul intentions!”

Derpy nervously shifted her mismatched eyes between the four earth ponies, each of whom wore some sort of raggedy vest and hood, and gulped. Not liking the idea of having her precious feathers forcibly removed, she spoke the first word that came to mind.

“…Muffins?”