What does the purple dragon chase?

by Strumfreak

Rating: teen
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Alternate Universe, Other, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 2371

Spike decides to get high again after a long and stressful day, and finds himself attracted to a shiny white and purple maned robot in the library...

If you know spike, you'll know he see's some weird stuff day by day, but at the end of it all, no matter how impossible the events may seem, Spike has a sure-fire way to make everything feel normal again, and to relax after an irritating day of being forced to socialise: Getting High. Only problem with that is Spike often has trouble in his high state of mind and can't distinguish hallucinations from reality. So when he sees an attractive white and purple maned robot in the library and feels obligated to show it a good time, will anyone stand in his way?

Written for my group 30 Minutes to Write Challenges
Written in: 29 minutes and 32 seconds. (I had to write seriously fast to get it all in)
Edited in: 20 seconds (which consisted of a quick scroll through to check for auto-corrections)
Time left over: 8 seconds

Warning! Contains violent material, drug use, swearing, and references to rape.

Published 2013-06-24 14:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-24 14:20:02 UTC

Robots, drugs, and urges.

“Another bullshit day full of stress and work, and surprise, surprise; I’m covered in Pinkie Pie’s bodily fluids again!” Spike angrily growled with a frown as he kicked open the door to Twilight’s library. He was covered from the tip of his top spine to his chest in Pinkie Pie’s vomit, smelling of strong, bitter garbage, accompanied by the slightly strong scent of vodka and scotch.

“Spike?” Twilight asked looking up, looking shocked at the substance he was covered in, before cringing and covering her nose as the smell of it breached her nostrils. “What the hell is that?!” She asked, slightly muffled by her forearm covering her muzzle.

Spike simply ignored her and kept walking. He was in no mood to talk to any more ponies after the day he’d put up with. Despite Twilight’s repeated attempts to get his attention, Spike kept walking, before reaching the stairs to the library’s second floor, walking up them, and continue to ignore Twilight as he pursued the one thing he’d had on his mind since he started walking home.

As Spike slammed the door to the second floor behind him, leaving Twilight shocked and confused, he walked directly to her bed, still frowning as much as before, and smacked his face into the soft clean blanket. Using his claws he reached in front of him and pulled the rest of it over his head and wiped all the vomit on himself onto the blanket and tossed it back onto the bed, now reeking of vomit and alcohol. Satisfied that he’d cleaned most of it off himself, he walked to his own bed, and reached under the pillow.

“The only thing that’ll make this day turn around is weed... even if it doesn’t, I wouldn’t give two shits anyway... I wouldn’t even care if I wound up dead for some stupid antic I could pull when I’m high again... I seriously hate my life that much right now...” Spike said in an unimpressed and not even slightly sympathetic tone. Finding what he needed, Spike pulled his bong from under the pillow, but grabbed the pillow with his other hand as well, and walked towards the door to the first floor. Opening it and expecting Twilight to try and get his attention again, threw his pillow at her and kept walking. Twilight who had tried to get his attention, and barely managed to get a peep out before the pillow made contact with her, just sighed disappointedly and pulled a book to her face, no longer caring what Spike did.

Spike satisfied with the silence, walked over to the corner of the room and sat on the single couch, grasping his bong in one hand, before breathing a small patch of fire onto his right hand and holding there on his palm. He brought it to the cannabis on the stem of the bong, and as the bubbles travelled through the water and the smoke started to escape the mouth piece, he pressed his mouth to it and breathed in a large amount of smoke, before taking his mouth away and dousing the flame in his hand. He held the smoke in his lungs and shortly after, let it release.

“Oh yeah... feeling better already” Spike said, also managing a slight grin.

***

After at least twenty minutes of straight smoking from the bong, even grabbing a few more patches of cannabis, ponies were now entering the library in hopes of borrowing books. Twilight, not caring about Spike’s stubbornness, walked over to him and pulled his bong away with her magic.

“Spike, you’ve been at this for longer than usual, and for once I’m actually concerned that something bad must have happened to you to make you act like this. You can have this back later, besides, there’s ponies here, I don’t want you getting in trouble.” she said, hoping Spike might see that she was concerned and stop, but Spike was in a world of reefer now. He had no idea what Twilight was saying, let alone if it was even Twilight.

His eyes bloodshot, and his mouth forming a stupid grin, he replied as best he could to whatever she’d said.

“You got it you Star-Butt!” he replied with a slight chuckle. Twilight looked at him confused, before shrugging and walking away to put his bong in the basement. Spike sat up and breathed in a breath of clean air. It wasn’t as good as weed to him, but he could barely tell at this point. He looked over at the ponies now in the library; only he didn’t see ponies... he saw a blue robot with a rainbow mane.

“Twilight?” Spike called over to where she’d been sitting earlier, getting confused to hear her muffled reply from behind the basement door.

“Yes Spike?” She asked.

“I thought the army of the R. Dash-5000 robots were destroyed!” he yelled making sure she could hear him through the door.

“They were,” Twilight said, opening the door to look at whatever Spike was talking about.

“Don’t even try lying to me Twilight! I’m not that high!” Spike exclaimed, "and I know for a fact there’s an R. Dash-5000 standing right in front of me!” Spike said, pointing at the confused pony in front of him.

The befuddled stallion simply looked at Twilight in utter confusion before she spoke up again.

“Spike, I’m gunna hold on to your bong for a few more days...” She said, before turning around and closing the door behind her.

Spike sighed, “Yeah, yeah, yeah, I really don’t care bitch, do what you want...” he said before returning his gaze to the pony in front of him. He was about to say something to it before he looked behind it to see four more robots; and they all had different colour schemes to the R. Dash-5000, yet they all resembled Twilight’s friends.

One was Pink and had a large oddly shaped metal dome on its head coloured a deeper shade of pink. On its chest it was labelled P. Pie-5000. The one to the right of that one was a light shade of yellow, with a long pink metal mane coming from its head and curling about its legs. It was labelled F. Shy-5000. The other two were on the opposite side of the R. Dash-5000. One of them was a shade of orange, and had a blonde mane, with a round metal sphere and an extra pointed piece of metal below it attached to its mane. It was labelled the A. Jack-5000. The last robot had a white body, with a purple mane composed of curled metal. Its label had been scratched away and scraped off in the middle, with a little N.A over it, leaving Spike to assume it was called the R. N.A-5000.

Upon laying eyes on the R. N.A-5000, Spike realised that the robot was the next closest thing to Rarity, and compared to the real Rarity, looked somewhat slim and attractive. Spike hopped off the chair and a determined look swept over his face.

“Fuck me! I can’t believe I used to be attracted to that fat ass Rarity!” he said to himself beginning to stumble over to the R. N.A-5000. The other robots moved out of his way, remaining completely silent and basically motionless other than moving aside, but Spike paid them no mind anyway.

“Hey baby!” Spike called out to the R. N.A-5000, “how’s about you come upstairs with me and I put some new hardware in you?” Spike asked, blunt as ever even with his crude computer joke. The robot reacted immediately, it’s eyes apparently scanning him, before it spoke back.

“Rip, tear, burn, dress!” it said, in a somewhat posh voice with a slightly manly tone. Spike stopped and looked at the robot a little shocked.

“Alright I’ll admit that was a little creepy... doesn’t matter though, you won’t need to talk once we're upstairs...” Spike said before smirking and continuing to walk towards her.

The robot started to back away, confusing Spike as he went closer, but out of nowhere he was stopped by the P. Pie-5000.

“Drink, pop, blast, party!” It said in a higher and more feminine voice compared to the other robot. It extended its forearm and pushed spike away, repeating those four words again.

“Look bitch, I don’t even know what you’re on about, but I’m getting a piece of that robot behind you, so get out of my damn way!” Spike demanded.

The robot stepped back slightly, before moving forward again and staying in his way, even moving side to side to stop him from advancing. Spike, clearly angered, didn’t even care to use words, as he’d already given the robot a warning. Spike breathed a blast of fire at the P. Pie-5000 which quickly engulfed it in searing hot green flame. The robot ran around in frenzy, clearing Spike’s path, but clearly alerting the other robots that Spike was a threat. The others started running at him instantly; all but the F. Shy-5000 which had run over and jumped on the P. Pie-5000 in hopes of dousing the flames it was covered in, only to catch fire itself, and to collapse into a fetal position as it rolled around with the P. Pie-5000, chanting the words “Run, hide, cry, shed”.

Spike was so pre-occupied on getting at the R. N.A-5000 that he had failed to notice the other robots running at him, and without warning, was smashed by both of them and tossed at the wall. Spike stood up, dusting himself for a moment, before noticing that they were running at him again. Thinking quickly he turned around and looked at the shelves of books, before an idea struck him.

The A. Jack-5000 was closest to reaching him, and was continuously repeating the words “Smash, buck, squash, apple!” Slightly panicked, Spike reached up and grabbed the nearest shelf, and with all the strength he could muster in that moment, pulled it, snapping off a large sharp section of it, before turning around in the same movement, just in time to smash his new weapon into the metal head of the A. Jack-5000. Contact with the head of the robot caused more of a sickening wet crunch than the sound of clenching metal, but Spike was too distracted to notice.

The R. Dash-5000, still processing what just happened, repeated its own four words “Crush, kill, destroy, swag!”

Spike, as fast as he could swung around again, not even giving the R. Dash-5000 even a second to react, thrusted the pointed end of the wood into its face, surprising him as it passed through its metallic shell as if it was as soft as cake. It made a disturbing squelching noise with a few crunches as he pushed it further, and pushed the robot aside.

The R. N.A-5000 appeared to be cowering against the wall when Spike started to walk back over it, appearing unfazed that the previous scenario had even occurred. The R. N.A-5000 started repeating the four words it had earlier, and got up to try and get away from the advancing dragon, but Spike in a split second hurled the blunt side of the wood he’d torn off the shelf at the back of the robots head. As Spike reached the robot, he rolled it over with a little effort, and began to drag it across the room to the stairs, noticing how soft the robot’s metal felt, confusing him. Spike didn’t have long to think about it though as Twilight opened the basement door and stepped into the room.

Twilight had a rather bored expression as she stepped out of the room, but upon surveying the library, her eyes went wide with shock. There was blood on the floor lying around the bodies of two stallions, one near the bookshelf at the other side of the room with a nasty looking gash on the side of his head, the other with a large, grotesque gaping hole in the middle of its deranged muzzle. She also saw smoke rising from the stiff looking bodies of a mare and stallion lying at the other side of the room, which still appeared to be twitching slightly, even though severely burnt. Her eyes came to rest on the purple dragon dragging a small filly’s body across the room. She wanted to yell something at him, but could think of nothing to say.

“Oh, hey Twilight, look, I know what you’re thinking; it’s a robot! But there’s no chance I’m getting in with the real Rarity any time soon, so this is the next best thing!” Spike explained, sounding far too enthusiastic to make Twilight feel any better about what she was seeing. She wanted to say something to make him stop as a worried look came over her expression, but she could only watch mouth agape as Spike slipped in the blood of one of the stallions, only to kick it in the head and curse at it.

“Should have remembered these things run on oil... fucking scrap metal!” he swore as he dragged the R. N.A-5000 to the stairs, up them, and into the room atop them, before closing the doors, leaving Twilight in the same spot, with the same expression, unwilling to move.

Twilight knew she should stop him before he did anything, but heard the door lock to the upstairs room, and realised that she wouldn’t be able to get in any more, since she’d put a spell on the lock so that the room could only be locked and unlocked from the inside. Twilight, started to back up slowly into the basement, realising there was only one thing she could do in this state of mind; prevent this from happening ever again.

“I think I’m going to be keeping that bong hidden for a little more that a week...” She said with a grim expression, before shutting the door.

The End

Author's Note

Apologies if you find any incorrect grammar or spelling, I had to abide by a time frame and did as best I could while writing as fast I could to finish this.