A Sun Without A Moon
A low growl rumbled in Luna's throat as she flew, her brow furrowed and eyes unfocused as she ran through the dinner's events once more in her head. Celestia had no right to embarrass her like that. She’d forgotten a small piece of etiquette during a dinner that evening. And it would have been completely ignored if Celestia hadn’t made a snide remark about it. But she had, and then suddenly everypony was laughing at Luna. She'd been so humiliated that she bolted for the window and took off into the overcast, windless night.
The inky dark made it difficult to see where she was going, but she flew on. She just wanted to fly to her room and read Modern Tax Code for Eggheads until the urge to bury her head in the ground and pretend she didn’t exist was gone. Luna landed on the balcony and stomped inside. It was only when she noticed the lack of midnight veils in the room that she stopped to wonder: Wait, did I go to the left or right balcony? The answer was ‘left’. Celestia’s was on the left.
Her quarters were more humble than Luna's: there was an ever-lit fireplace, carpets, cushions in case of company, a writing desk stacked with official papers and letters from Twilight Sparkle, and a bed fit for a king—or a princess—with gold velvet sheets and a dozen freshly-fluffed pillows. Even in her anger, Luna blushed as she realized she'd accidentally entered Celestia's room instead of her own. And she was just about to leave when she noticed a part of the room that wasn't perfect: something poking out from underneath the bed.
Luna paused. She’d never been in Celestia's quarters alone. Her sister was always very careful about never allowing anyone to be alone in her room. So the temptation to investigate was almost impossible to resist, and Luna gave in. Just a peek shouldn't hurt...
She trotted to the bed. The whatever-it-was didn't resist as she yanked it out. Luna inspected it. In the light of the fire, it looked like a peach-colored hardbound book. And with it in her telekinetic hold, she could feel an enchantment on it: a reconstitution spell. That was powerful magic: a spell that kept it in its current state forever unless Celestia stopped refreshing the enchantment. Now far more interested, she turned it over. The word 'Journal' was written in gold filigree cursive on the cover. Luna gaped. She hadn't even known her sister had a journal. She started to put it back but stopped when she realized what she'd found. Celestia's journal. The place a mare wrote her most personal thoughts. And more importantly, it might have secrets she could use to get back at her sister.
With less hesitation than she thought she probably should’ve had, Luna sat, opened the journal, and began to read.
Twenty-Sixth of Verbud, 1245 TEA
One line in and Luna was already surprised. That wasn’t the calendar of today, but one she was far more familiar with: the ancient Equestrian calendar. She was so surprised that she almost didn't realize what the date was. Her eyes went wide and she nearly dropped the journal. The entry was about two weeks after she'd been banished to the moon!
Dear Journal,
I have been struggling lately. So much so that a chambermaid ever-so-tactfully recommended I use a journal to release some of my frustrations. This is far more worrying than any of my actual troubles. I am apparently so upset that my little ponies are noticing my mood. Still, this whole "journal" thing seems ridiculous.
Supposedly, writing in this journal should feel like talking to a pony. Except it doesn't. It feels like that thing where you write an angry letter to somepony and then never send it. No matter how much you might feel like it's a pony, and write like it’s that pony, you're still just talking to what is essentially a figment of your imagination. I don't see the appeal.
That was the end of the entry. Luna wasn't sure what to think. It was a pretty standard first journal entry, and that’s what bothered her. Celestia had had to banish Nightmare Moon. Her sister. She shouldn't sound like a mare going through a tough time, she should be seriously upset. Had she truly gotten over it in just a few weeks? Luna hoped not… She’d lost some of her zeal, but decided to read on.
Twenty-Seventh of Verbud, 1245 TEA
Dear Journal,
What is a mare supposed to write in a journal? A rehearsal of the day's events? But so much happens in a day, especially for a mare like me. It should be simple to write pages and pages without meaning. Yet when I set the quill tip upon the page the day's happenings slip my mind. And those I do recall at all are trivial. If this is to work I need to know how to use a journal. Tomorrow, I shall ask Lily (my chambermaid) how one makes a journal cleanse them of their unseemly passions.
Twenty-Eighth of Verbud, 1245 TEA
Dear Journal,
Evidently, I've been going about this wrong. There's nothing you're "supposed" to write in a journal. Lily said it's a place for my thoughts and emotions, and that only events that I find myself thinking about should be mentioned. So I shall do exactly that... tomorrow. I can't think of anything tonight.
Luna cocked an eyebrow. 'Can't think of anything'? Anger sparked in her. She'd just banished her sister to the moon for a thousand years and she couldn't think of anything?! Luna had half a mind to stop there, find Celestia, and demand she explain this. But that would be rash. She was a calmer pony than that. She turned the page.
Twenty-Ninth of Verbud, 1245 TEA
Dear Journal,
If I use this journal for its intended purpose, it would create a titanic scandal should it ever make its way to the press. But if I don't, this would be pointless, and my emotions would remain pent-up, so here goes nothing (except possibly my lengthy career as Princess)...
The griffin ambassador is full of himself. No, that does not come close to describing his audacity. He constantly insults Equestrian culture, customs, and international attitude. But what annoys me most is how he and the rest of the ambassadors won't stop asking about why the moon was up for a whole day.
Luna's ears perked. Maybe she'd finally be mentioned.
I have told him many times to drop it with no success. He has selective hearing, as suspected.
Almost as irksome are the border disputes. Despite the line having been drawn generations ago, he constantly claims the borders are uncertain. That is not unusual, but the way he goes about it irritates me. He begins by making ridiculous claims so he can back away to marginally-less-ludicrous claims and act like he's being reasonable. It's the oldest tactic in the book, and yesterday he was so insistent that I finally snapped and said, "I will not haggle over land, Ambassador."
That was it? She was finally going to write about what was bothering her, and she talked about the Griffin Kingdom ambassador acting like they’d always acted? Luna’s posture slumped. She didn't understand. Why hadn't everything about her been first? Maybe… maybe Celestia was just getting warmed up...
She skimmed the rest of the entry but there wasn't a single word about her in it. After getting most of the way through, she gave up and hesitantly moved on to the next.
Thirtieth of Verbud, 1245 TEA
Dear Journal,
I believe the youngest... "stallion" of House Blueblood has an affection for me. A disgusting affection. Nearly more revolting is that he seems to believe he has more than a foal's chance in Tartarus with me despite being the most arrogant imbecile who ever lived. Like all Bluebloods, he prances about and talks like he owns Equestria despite having done nothing of any worth for this country. At tomorrow’s Gala he'll probably bring flowers and gemstones and propose to me—
First of Oakavit, 1245 TEA
Dear Journal,
I attended the Grand Galloping Gala today. Mercifully, Blueblood did not propose, but I almost wish he had as it would’ve spiced things up. The Gala was the typical social posturing, the etiquette and horrifically dull—
Third of Oakavit, 1245 TEA
Dear Journal,
I was so exhausted yesterday that I forgot to write an entry. The moment I’d taken care of my schedule and trudged to my quarters, I flung myself onto my bed and woke to the realization that I'd slept with my head dangling off the edge. Which gave me one terrible neck ache. Today was no better. The ambassador—
Luna trembled with fury as she read. Where was any mention of her? She skimmed rapidly, looking for even a single sentence on her. She didn't care whether she got caught anymore. After all, what did anything matter when her sister didn't seem to care that she'd had to be banished?! Or found it less important than the squabbles of nobles. She was turning the pages so fast part of her was worried she’d rip them. The spell would fix the tearing, but Celestia would feel it and immediately know what she was up to.
But Luna didn't give a rat's flank about it.
Even if she was caught like this, it was nothing compared to her sister barely caring that she'd been banished to the moon.
Whole weeks' worth of entries later she came to two pages stuck together. Luna paused and cocked an eyebrow. The enchantment would remove anything that stained or stuck the pages, so it had to have happened before the spell was cast. Using delicate telekinesis, she separated the pages, and looked at the entry on those pages. It was oddly smudged in places.
Twenty-Third of Oakavit, 1245 TEA
Dear Journal,
I cannot lie anymore. Earlier today, I yelled at Lily, and spent the next half-hour explaining that I'm just a little stressed (that was another lie, I'm quite, quite stressed) and trying to get her to come out from under my bed. I've been writing these for nearly a month, and I haven't said a word about what's really tearing me apart. These days, I look back at my first entry and take issue with the line about thinking of a journal as a pony being ridiculous. This has become like writing to a pen pal, only without being responded to. In that way, you’ve become a pony to me—the only pony I can tell everything. And so I can't keep lying, not when I must lie to everypony else. The truth is, Journal...
I was forced to
I had no choice but to
Approximately a month ago, I banished my only sister to the moon. For a thousand years. And ever since not a day, an hour, nor a single minute has passed where that truth, that simple fact, did not rip the joy out of everything. I cannot stop thinking about it. Even while writing in you, Journal, I simply cannot stop. Whenever I write about the trivial matters I'm dealing with I can't rid myself of the nagging voice in the back of my head reminding me of what I did, and how I’m torn up by it. So torn up that I'm lying to pieces of blank paper about my feelings.
Luna's anger was gone, but she only felt worse. She had started reading to find secrets, kept reading to find at least some mention of her sister suffering, and now that she had found what she was looking for, she felt terrible. She almost wanted to stop there but couldn't. If she stopped, she’d be painfully curious about the rest.
The thoughts of her are a specter on my life. During the day, I find myself wondering if there was anything I could have done, anything I could have said, anything at all that would have made things turn out differently. Maybe an apology, a gift, a bit of sage-like advice…
I know it's foalish to dwell on the past but the past is dwelling on me: it follows me everywhere I go. When I sit in court, my eyes stray to her midnight tapestries. When I go for a walk in the Royal Garden, I see a lotus—her favorite flower. Even my dreams aren't an escape. Most nights the moment the Elements' power struck her is played over and over again. Countless times during the night I see the sheer terror that overcame Nightmare Moon as the rainbow hit her. But it wasn’t Nightmare's fear, it was my sister's... Lulu's...
But the other dreams are worse. Far worse. I awake from a nightmare to find Luna there, and she puts her hooves around me. I bury my head in her chest and talk about the horrible dream I had where she became consumed by darkness and I had to banish her to the moon. And she listens and talks softly to me, gently nuzzling my neck until I calm down.
And then... I wake up.
I wake up and find that Lulu isn’t there. I wake up and there's nopony to dry my tears, nopony to talk to me gently and tell me "everything's going to be okay". So I lay in bed as the light of her moon streams through the windows in my room, my body wracked with shaking. And the feeling of dying joy is so much more agonizing than anything I've ever felt in my life.
Since that sad day, I had to change my sleep schedule, as well. Lulu... Luna always teased me that I slept as soundly as a log, and twice as long, but now I can barely sleep at all. I close my eyes and relax but sleep won’t come. I dread the dreams where she's here with me again so much that I almost want the day's events to never end. Yet even when I sleep, and dream those painful dreams, I wake up more exhausted than I was before.
I don't know when I started crying. The guards outside can likely hear my sobs. And I should stop writing, but I can't. I sound like an adolescent filly venting over a break-up but I need to write more. Because there’s nopony who understands. It's like everyone up and forgot that Luna is my sister the moment she became Nightmare Moon. After I got her out from under my bed today, Lily actually asked me what was wrong—I thought she was being facetious, but she was serious!
They held a party to celebrate Nightmare Moon's defeat. They held a party and I had to smile and pretend I was enjoying myself. They burned an effigy of my sister and I had to smile.
I don't—
"Enjoying yourself, Luna?"
Luna froze. She’d been so lost in the journal that she hadn't noticed the doors opening. She looked up from the pages to see light spilling in from the hall. Celestia stood as calm as ever, but her magenta eyes had a hint of a darker emotion. Luna’s mind flailed to come up with an excuse. She hadn’t the slightest idea of what to say happened, but she could stall. The best lies were mostly truth, so she decided to go with that. "I was flying to my balcony, but mistook yours for mine, and—"
"And then my journal just so happened to lunge at you, cling to your face, and you were only pulling it off, so it's not what it looks like?" interrupted Celestia without even the tiniest change in tone.
Luna didn’t bother trying to salvage the lie. She wouldn’t be able to, even if she wasn’t shivering and blinking back tears, her body having trouble deciding whether to be angry that Tia had embarrassed her, or sad her sister had been in so much pain while she wasn’t there to help.
She wanted to say something else, to offer comfort a thousand years too late, but words failed her. She doubted anything she could say would get her out of trouble. And she knew she deserved it anyway. Celestia may have embarrassed her, but Luna had trespassed in her sister’s room and read her journal. In some ways, the fact that she didn't look angry almost made it worse. Luna couldn't read her sister's expression and so didn't know whether to apologize, or bolt for the balcony and flee into the night.
"I'm sorry for what I said," Celestia's tone was soft. "I didn't mean to make a fool out of you. I was only teasing, like we used to. I thought it'd make you feel more at home."
Luna could only nod dumbly in response.
"However," continued Celestia, her expression hardening, "that's no excuse for this."
"But..."
Celestia stepped forward and shut the doors behind her before trotting over and plopping down next to Luna. "Come, let's read it together."
It took several moments for her sister's words to set in. Luna looked at her. The ivory alicorn stared back, deathly serious. “Go on,” said Celestia. “Finish what you started.”
Luna gulped. She had a feeling Celestia was setting her up for a punishment, but she was in no position to refuse. She simply continued where she’d left off. The rest of the entry was more of the same: Celestia had written more about how every moment felt empty without Luna. It was oddly… nice to hear, even though Luna felt guilty for causing her sister pain. The other entries were similar, though a great deal more awkward to read as she was very much aware of Celestia sitting next to her. She was about to ask her sister if she could stop (her ears were drooping, and even her ethereal mane had gone limp) when she came to one that caught her eye.
Twelfth of Fonsbloom, 1245 TEA
Dear Journal,
I have to admit that I am imagining you as my sister. Writing in you feels like one of the times I'd go to my sister's room after a rough day. I'd wake her up early, but she never minded. I'd tell her about everything and she'd console me, talk softly to me like she does in my worst dreams. But that was before she... before we both caused the rise of Nightmare. And now I'm left with nopony to turn to. My little ponies all look at and talk of me as though I'm perfect, and in these tough times I can't bear to break the rock they've built their hopes upon.
A small, broken sound left Luna. She knew all too well what it was like to have nopony to turn to. She blinked when she felt something around her back and right side. She looked to her left. Celestia’s expression was soft, gentle, and sympathetic. Her right wing was wrapped around Luna. It was the most intimate of gestures for pegasi, and something the sisters rarely did anymore. It was just as comforting as she remembered, though. Luna slowly returned the gesture, and went back to reading.
Twenty-Second of Fonsbloom, 1245 TEA
Dear Journal,
I've doomed Equestria. When I hit my sister with the Elements, they spoke to me for the first time in millennia. They gave me a choice: either their power would kill her, or it would banish her to the moon for a thousand years. Either way I would lose my ability to wield three of the Elements. I should have used them to kill her. I should have, but I didn't. It was the first time in my long rule I had to make a truly tough decision for the sake of Equestria, and I failed.
And now I don't know what to do. The Elements have become nothing but round, gray stones, and the Element of Magic disappeared completely. I've been stripped of my ability to use three, and the bearer of the rest is currently on the moon, plotting to kill me when she returns.
Without the Elements, what hope is there for my sister? They told me to look for an explosion of rainbows, whatever that means, and that was all. Nothing about using their power to redeem Luna, nothing about the future of Equestria, just rainbows. And so I don't know if there will be a way to save my sister, or if in 1,000 years I will be forced to... end her.
We had something special, her and I. Something special that nearly everypony has. We were sister and sister… family. The nature of that bond was not lost on Lulu. She had so much unconditional love for me, for everyone. I was actually jealous of her for it at one point. I envied her compassion, generosity, and kindness.
But I wouldn’t be able to fight her again. Because every time I see Nightmare Moon in my dreams I can't think of her as anything but Lulu. My dear Lulu who tackled me and rambled for hours when she came up with stars and constellations. The sister who when we were younger would often spend a few hours picking flowers, and arrange them in my mane as I slept. All just so she could hear me sleepily say "Thank you, Lulu." when I woke to the scent of lilacs and to her smiling her perfect little smile down at me. She always loved to see me happy... Almost as much as I loved to see her smile. Ah, memories...
There was a lilac blossom glued to the page beneath the lines. Under the lilac, it said:
I miss her and her adorable, heart-melting smile...
Luna touched the lilac. It was soft. She looked over at her sister. Celestia was smiling, not the small one she always had in public, but a simple one. The kind she used to have all the time.
"You really do have a beautiful smile, Lulu," whispered Celestia.
Luna shifted closer to her sister, and nuzzled the base of her neck. "As do you, Celly."
The remainder of the entries were similar, but Luna didn't want to stop anymore. With her sister's wing wrapped around her it was easy to remember this was just the past: only memories. But Luna could still take joy in every word of what Celestia loved about her. Eventually, they came to the final entry.
Seventh of Ardordawn, 1245 TEA
Dear Journal,
Tomorrow, after this entry, I will have you burned this journal burned. I can't think of you it as a person (or Lulu) if I am to do so. Going through with this has been cathartic. It's helped me gather my thoughts and return to my normal, collected self. The one Equestrians seem to worship. "The Insuperable Celestia", a pony called me once. And though I laugh at the idea that I'm unconquerable, I cannot laugh at the image I have become to my little ponies. Now I must put this all behind me. Just looking at you this journal pains me and I must be free of it to become the ruler Equestria needs. At least until Lulu returns. Lulu, not Nightmare Moon. I’ve made my choice. I will find a way to save her. If I fail, I’ll go down in history as the greatest fool who ever lived, but I can accept that. And I won't fail. I will save my sister.
I don't know why I'm still writing. Maybe it's because I feel like this journal has become a friend. It's the last time we're going to talk and we both know it. Neither of us wants to leave, but we both know it has to happen eventually. And... this journal has become a friend. I can feel sleep tugging at my eyelids, and… There was a splotch of ink where she'd held the quill to the page for a long time. I mentioned in Fonsbloom that I imagine you as my sister, so I can think of no better way to say "good-bye" to you than what I wanted the last thing I said to my sister to be:
It ended there.
Luna found a bittersweet taste in her mouth by the end. Though some parts had been about their love for each other, most of it sounded quite pained. She felt... sad? She didn't know the right word to describe the pain in her chest. But at the same time she was glad. Glad that she mattered so much to her sister. Luna looked at Celestia. The ivory alicorn didn't seem at all like her usual regal self anymore. Her eyes weren't on Luna but instead on the journal, her expression forlorn and nostalgic—pained yet happy, like a mare who'd just given birth.
"I never did manage to rid myself of this journal," whispered Celestia. "I was so busy the next few days that it completely slipped my mind. And by the time I remembered, my resolve to have it burned was gone. It felt like it'd just be another lie. To set my thoughts to the flame and pretend they never existed. Now I keep it so I can read it for a reminder of how much better things are these days with you back, Lulu."
"What about the last thing you wanted to say to me?"
The change in Celestia’s demeanor was immediate. Her mouth opened and closed without speaking, and she actually blushed. "I-I was so ashamed of it that I couldn't bring myself to write it down. Even at the time I couldn’t manage it. But I still remember it to this day."
"What is it?"
"No, no, it's horrible," sputtered Celestia, her words rapid. "I'm no writer or poet—it was awful. And I was feeling sentimental and reflective at the time, and I wasn't—"
Luna looked at her sister pleadingly. "Celly..."
"Oh, alright... I could never say 'no' to you and your puppy-dog eyes." Celestia pulled her sister closer, and looked her in the eyes. Luna half-smirked back. "The last thing…” she took a deep breath and sighed. “The last thing I wanted you to hear from me was: Without you, I'm as lonely as a sun without a moon."
Luna chuckled. "Oh, Tia, whatever am I going to do with you."
Celestia just blushed more fiercely.
For a brief moment as they held each other close and smiled, they both forgot they were Princesses of Equestria, rulers of thousands and thousands of ponies. They forgot about the dinner, about the nobles and ambassadors, about the teasing, about their anger...
And they were simply sisters.
