The P-Team: The Cider Wars

by NightmareDash

Rating: everyone
Tags: Crossover, Main 6, Diamond Dogs, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Alternate Universe, Comedy, Flim and Flam, Adventure
Length: 4709

If the Apples did lose their farm to the Flimflam Brothers, who would they hire?

In 2011 A.D. (After Discord), a crack unicorn strategist was sent to Ponyville by Princess Celestia herself to learn about the magic of friendship. This unicorn promptly formed a group of maximum-ability friends from the population of Ponyville. Today, still under the command of Princess Celestia, they survive as ponies of fortune. If you have a problem, if nopony else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire THE P-TEAM.

An alternate-reality fic written in the style of The A-Team (Celestia, I miss that show!). Expect plenty of slam-bang action and fun along the way!

Published 2012-02-23 23:44:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-04-06 07:45:10 UTC

Prologue: A Rotten Deal

The piles of cider barrels were staggering, on both sides. Both sides were determined to win, so it came down to a contest of pony vs. machine. The last grains of sand fell to the bottom of the glass, and Doctor Hooves signalled the Mayor.

"Time's up!"

She quickly glanced at each group's pile, and the winner was very clear.

"Flim and Flam win!"

Everypony was definitely shocked. Except for Flim and Flam, that is, who were quite obviously proud of themselves.

"Daww, too bad, Apples. Guess you'll just have to find a new line of work that doesn't match your names quite so... perfectly."

"Now should we tear down all these tacky old buildings and put up new ones, brother?"

"I don't see why not, brother. After all, this isn't Sweet Apple Acres anymore. How about 'Flim Flam Fields'?"

Applejack, quick to shoot for a hope at saving her family, challenged them.

"But wait! Let's see who has the better-tasting cider. That should determine the real winner."

A group of ponies from the crowd lined up to sample a cup from each batch. The Apples' tasted exactly like they knew it to, with a good, clean taste the town had come to expect. The brothers' cider, however, tasted exactly as it looked: garbage.

"Ha! We made the better-tasting cider. Nopony can argue that. That's gotta count for something, Mayor!"

"Think again, Applejack. The terms of this competition said that whoever made the most cider would be declared the winner. We quite clearly did that, isn't that right, Ms. Mayor?"

The Mayor was distraught, but obligated by the duty of her position to agree with them.

"They're right, Applejack. They did produce more cider than you, regardless of its quality. Based on that, they did win."

The Flim-Flam Brothers, assured in their victory, laughed triumphantly.

~~~~~~~~~

Back inside their home, the Apples were forced to face the new reality of having to leave Sweet Apple Acres for good.

"I can't believe it! We did everything right, and now we've lost it all! Say it ain't so, Big Mac."

"I wish I could, Applebloom. But they won. And right now, I just don't know what to do."

Applejack, who had been sitting in the corner, depressed by her own percieved failure, finally spoke up.

"I do. My friends are good for more than companionship. I reckon', with their help, we just might be able to save our farm."

Granny Smith, bitter at the prospect of having to leave what had been her home for almost a century, was not so optimistic.

"I doubt it, Applejack. Almost anything they could do would be against the law, and besides, they're just five ponies. Oh dear, what are we going to do?"

"I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna hire The P-Team."

"

A Strange Visitor

Applejack had just about given up hope. She wanted to tell herself that the P-Team would find her, and they would get this all straightened out, but something about her Element of Honesty nagged at her every time she tried. It was the Apples' last day on Sweet Apple Acres before Flim and Flam took ownership. If anything was to be done, it had to be done soon. As Applejack stared out across the vast orchards once hers to work, she heard the front gate slam. Great, she thought. Those varmints decided to show up early. But it wasn't the brothers who had just arrived. A slender, grey stallion wearing a tie, glasses, and an incessant smile was walking up to her.

"Good afternoon, ma'am. I must say, this is a lovely farm you have here. Allow me to introduce myself. Slick Deal's the name, farm equipment is my game."

He was a fast talker, with a slight Manehatten accent. Obviously a salespony, and just the type Applejack never trusted. But she was too depressed right now to check him out.

"I'm sorry, sir, but the Apple family will be turning this land over to the Flim-Flam Brothers tomorrow. We're in no position to buy anything."

"Well, I'm sorry to hear that, ma'am. Are you absolutely sure I couldn't interest you in something? Slick Deal has the best prices in Equestria, guaranteed!"

"I'm sorry, Mr. Deal, but.... hold on!"

Applejack remembered that just a few days ago, a Ponfucius-spewing Equinese laundromat owner had told her to be kind to salesponies, and that an old plow might hold the answer to her troubles. They sounded like crazy proverbs when she heard them, but maybe...were they a hint from the P-Team? She had to at least try it.

"Can I have a look at your Power Plower '08?"

"Oh, that old thing? That's a piece of garbage! Here, let me show you our latest model. It's got built-in cupholders..."

"No, I just want to see the Power Plower '08, if you don't mind."

"Ma'am, please trust me. Nopony wants that old thing. It's a deathtrap for anypony that uses it! Our newer models are far more..."

"Sir, I would like to see your listing for the Power Plower '08. It's that or nothing. Can I please see it?"

Slick threw in the towel and handed over the catalogue.

"Page 43, bottom left. Your funeral, mare."

Applejack flipped open the catalogue, through harnesses and harvesters, seeds and shovels, until she found the page he had indicated. In the bottom left corner was a faded ad for the 2008 Power Plower, with pen markings across it. It read:

YOU JUST HIRED THE P-TEAM

Applejack looked up at Slick in disbelief, but he only smiled back. Seconds later, there was a bright flash of light, and a much more familiar face appeared in his place.

"Twilight? You're part of the P-Team?"

"Not just that, Applejack. I lead the P-Team. Princess Celestia wanted somepony to be able to help with smaller problems around Equestria, but she couldn't because she's, well, the princess. So she asked me to make it happen. Oh yeah, hang on a sec. It's alright, everypony! She's clear! Sorry about all the secrecy, but there are a certain few someponies who don't exactly love us. This is the team."

Three other ponies stepped out from the orchards.

"Rarity, better known as Gemstone. She uses her magic, sewing skills, and feminine wiles to scam us whatever we need."

"Hello, darling. So nice to see you again!"

" R.D. Dash, team heavyweight and mechanical expert."

"Hey."

" "Crazy Pie" Pinkie. She can fly just about anything, and, today, she's an ENN sports commentator."

"This looks to be a great matchup tonight, folks. The challenger has just stepped into the ring, and is being prepped by her coaches."

"And, of course, I'm Twilight, but everypony calls me Starswirl. I make plans and screen our clients. We use codenames to protect our secret identities."

"I can't believe I never found out about it until now. My best friends are the P-Team. I'll be darned."

"Don't worry: we waive the fees for close friends. Actually, we don't really charge anypony anything. You see, "hire" was just the best word we could think of, even though nopony has to pay us to help them, so..."

Applejack rolled her eyes and Twilight snapped out of the monologue.

"Sorry. Anyway, we already know about Flim and Flam, so let's get inside. I've already got an idea, and I think you'll like it."

Preparations pt. 1

Applejack had no idea how right she was. Flim and Flam were none too pleased to be run off from their new farmland, and they had no intention of giving it up that easily. But as Head Honcho and his muscle crew had proven the day before, determination wasn't enought to take back what was theirs. Inside their tent, on the outskirts of the Everfree Forest, the brothers licked their wounds and conspired on the next course of action.

"Well, brother of mine, what are we going to do?"

"I'm lost for ideas, brother. That land is ours..."

"...but Head Honcho doesn't appear to get that."

"He's not taking any hints..."

"...and when we fight dirty, he fights dirtier."

"Our employer is losing confidence in us."

"If we can't get this land, we're going to lose a lot more."

"We need help."

"Indeed. But who?"

"Hmmmm... This is getting desperate. Brother of mine..."

"Agreed, brother."

As if thinking together, they spoke in unison:

"BRAINSTORM!"

The two unicorns literally put their heads together and surrounded themselves with magical energy. They were invading each others' minds, forging a connection. They literally became a single brain. The brothers were working together in a strange way, amplifying their linked memory, logic, and mental acuity. It was an obscure, dangerous technique, one that only perfect twins could even attempt. If she could get past the shock of it actually being used, Starswirl might have been impressed.

After a few seconds of searching through their common mind, a spark propagated in both their eyes. They backed away from each other, and the green glow that had surrounded the tent faded. The almost-ceremonial procedure had come to an end.

"Brother of mine, do you remember a few years back, when we tried to corner the precious stones market up north?"

"And we ran into those pesky scoundrels who couldn't speak properly? I certainly do, brother."

"They owe us..."

"...and I think it's time we called it in."

Preparations pt. 2

"The home team has been very successful so far in defending their title here in the first half. And here with us right now is their coach. Tell me, ma'am, what do you expect your girls to bring to the field in this exciting hoofball match?"

Pinkie jabbed her invisible microphone in Starswirl's face, but recieved only a short glare.

"Never mind... look over here! We've found the team manager! How do you think this team has done during the new season?"

Gemstone, binoculars to her eyes, barely noticed.

"Pinkie, not now. Can't you see I'm on watch?"

"Sorry. Well, I guess... oh boy! Who is this? As the Sweet Apple Club hoofball star, can I have your autograph?"

R.D. was obviously unamused. Forgoing any bit of subtlety, she spoke for the sentiments of everypony that they were too gracious to share.

"Pinkie! You are not a sportscaster! And we are not a hoofball team! Normally I can put up with you, but now I'm just getting tired of your... your... your crazy jibber-jabber!"

Pinkie was unfazed.

"Gee, someone doesn't like the press. Can I just say no comment?"

"You're making me mad, Pinkie!"

"Girls! We need to get to work. Flim and Flam will be back, and it's about time we put together a welcome wagon."

Starswirl was already digging through a pile of scrap metal, and the other three knew what this meant. Everypony emptied their hooves and started sifting through the odds and ends of Sweet Apple Acres. Slowly, but surely, a large contraption came together over the body of a plow. Herself working with the team, Applejack pulled Starswirl to the side after several hours of construction.

"Twi, I've been thinking, and if those varmints can make such great cider out of our worst apples, then why do they need Sweet Apple Acres so badly?"

"I was thinking about that too, AJ. It may be less of a question of practicality, and more of their pride. But no matter the reason, they're coming back, and they'll be looking for a fight. I think we're about ready."

"Don't forget that oversized toy wagon of theirs, Twi."

"Of course. That's why I'm going to stack the deck. Pink.."

Before she even finished, said pony had already materialized at her side.

"What's up?"

"It's just scary how you do that, Pinkie. Anyway, I think you've done enough here. We need you to head back into town and pick up the little birdie."

"Oh, I gotcha. The chicken. But why on earth you'd want Scoot..."

R.D rolled out from under the plow, and silenced Pinkie with a growl and well-cut eyes.

"Not that one, Pinkie. The other little birdie."

"Ohhhhhh. Okie dokie lokie, Starswirl. I might even pick up Gummy while I'm there. You know how he loves to watch these games with me!"

Starswirl was amused, Applejack was confused, and R.D. was irritated all the more by the suggestion.

"Pinkie, you'd better not start talking about that invisible crocodile again!"

"He's not invisible, R.D., he's really real! And he's an alligator, not a crocodile, there's a difference!"

"Shut up, Pinkie, shut up!"

This exchange did little to alleviate Applejack's bewildered expression.

"Twi, who's Gummy, and what's this little bird?"

"Gummy is Pinkie's invisible baby alligator. Pinkie's little birdie is real, though. I think you'll really like to meet her."

The Battle of Sweet Apple Acres pt. 1

Looking through her Canterlense Elite Binoculars, Gemstone saw a plume of smoke rising down the road, trailing towards them a breakneck speed.

"Starswirl! They're here!"

"It's about time. I thought they weren't going to make the party. Places, everypony!"

Less than a mile away from the gates of Sweet Apple Acres, a large train-like contraption chugged towards its target, owners and henchmen aboard.

"Listen up, fleabags! We want this land..."

"... and we want Head Honcho and his crew off of it. Understand?"

"He's failed to listen to reason, and now we're going to make him regret it."

"You all know what to do, so follow our orders and you might survive."

The lead henchmen spoke up, in his high-pitched growl of a voice that most of us humans would connect with Gollum.

"Yes, bosses. But Diamond Dogs have saying: you mess with dog, you get bitten. My dogs could be doing many more important things right now. I call them up just to return favor to you, but we help you only because I say so."

"Shut up, you lousy excuse for a quadraped."

"Brother of mine, we've arrived."

"So we have, my brother. Let's get in and get this done."

"Indeed."

And so the SSCS 6000 plowed through the gates and pulled up to the barn. Flim, Flam, and the Diamond Dogs each grabbed gasoline tanks and began dousing the building. An odor of petroleum permeated the air, and at this cue of saturation, Flim and Flam sparked small, lime-green flares at the tips of their horns. They slowly bent down to the puddle of oil...

And the sound of smashing wood and squealing tires tore right through their ceremonial immolation. What appeared to be a battle wagon had shot out of the barn door, though any Apple could tell you it was a modified plow. Long, metallic spikes protruded from the plow head, and the entire machine was covered in iron plating. Behind several such plates was R.D., pushing the entire contraption through shear wing- and willpower. Above her, on the roof, was a metal turret, which Applejack was sitting safely inside. The turret had a one-foot slot cut through the center from the top, which supported a pipe barrel. Behind that barrel was a crossbow apparatus (made from spare wood and a wagon tire). Out from the wreckage of the wagon's explosive entryway came Starswirl and Gemstone, each with horns ablaze and ready to fire. They immmediately let off a stream of pulse bolts that sent the dogs diving for cover. Applejack began launching apples from her turret, one of which downed Flim with a clean headshot. Flam soon followed him to the ground. R.D. pulled her battle wagon around in a u-turn, pointed it at the SSCS 6000, then charged. The train-car never stood a chance. As the last few dogs jumped clear, the plow's front spikes drove themselves through the engine, shooting off electrical sparks. But it had also attached the vehicle to the SSCS 6000, which basically rendered it immobile. R.D. slid out from behind the armor-plated cabin, and Applejack grabbed an armful of apples and leaped from the turret. The two began bucking the apples directly, but after a few shots, a group of apples surrounded by a sickly green aura came shooting back at them at twice the speed. Caught up in the apple storm counterattack, they were both knocked to the ground after taking a few hits. Their teammates weren't fairing any better: as R.D. looked up, she could see both Starswirl and Rarity pinned by Diamond Dogs. Flim and Flam were back up, and surveying the battlefield.

"Well, brother of mine, we weren't dealing with an apple baron after all, now were we?"

"No, we were dealing with The P-Team. In that light, I must say, this seemed a little bit too easy. Didn't it, brother?"

"Indeed. But who are we to look a gift horse in the mouth?"

"Let's take care of Miss Applejack and these mercenaries she's hired."

The brothers' horns began to glow, and a sharp spike of magical energy grew on each of their foreheads. They aimed downward at Starswirl, took a ready stance to charge, and...

The Battle of Sweet Apple Acres Pt. 2

...and paused, to hear the sound of short, repetitive thunderclaps in the sky above. They started soft, but grew louder by the second. The trees began to bend, and a rush of air swept over Sweet Apple Acres from the direction of Ponyville. A swiftly-flying shadow had appeared in the sky, darkened against the background of the sun. It was not the shape of a pegasus, but much bigger, and less sleek. In fact, it didn't even have wings at all, but a rotor. Starswirl saw this as well as the Flim-Flam Brothers, but unlike them, she knew what the shadow meant.

"Pinkie..."

Up in the sky flew Pinkie, in her pedal-powered helicopter. She flew over the battle, then pulled around to make another pass.

"I should've thought of this before, Gummy! Now we can get a much better view of the game!"

Back on the ground, R.D. felt an unexplainable urge to groan. But it was replaced by the urge to cover her face, as she saw a fine powder fall from the chopper. It dispersed across the field, coating the combatants in white crystals. The Diamond Dogs leaped off of Starswirl and Gemstone, screaming in pain.

"THE SWEETNESS! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!"

With that, they took off towards the gate, occasionally throwing themselves on the ground to rub the sugar off. Flim and Flam noticed this, and could sense the tide turning.

"Get back here, you mangy scoundrels!"

"Stay and fight, dogs!"

They were distracted by having been abandoned, so they didn't notice when Starswirl and Gemstone got back up and bucked them in the faces.

"I think these party guests have overstayed their welcome, don't you, Starswirl?"

"Definitely. But we should at least send them off with a party favor."

Starswirl's horn began glowing brightly, and she projected a noxious-looking chemical toward them. It sprayed them dead on, but instead of eating their flesh or setting them on fire, it formed a brown, sludge-like gunk on their skin. The gunk hardened, and Flim and Flam were stuck in place, immobile.

"EWWWWW! Starswirl, what is that disgusting slime?"

"Simple, Gemstone. The chemical I created was sulfuric acid. Very lightly concentrated, of course. It wouldn't affect them directly, but it did react with the sugar on their skin. That reaction formed a thick, gummy residue, which is what they are encased in right now."

"I still don't get most of that, but if it'll hold them, I don't care."

R.D., who had brushed herself off from the apple barrage, was checking out the SSCS 6000, trying to figure out how to get her battle wagon unstuck. She came upon a slip of paper close to the helm, one that she knew would be of some importance.

"Hey, Starswirl! Check this out!"

Starswirl grabbed the paper out of her hooves telekineticly, and pulled it to her eyes.

"Ah... I see... well, this explains a few things. Apparently, the Zap Apple trees produce a rare mineral in the soil. This mineral amplifies a unicorn's magic. Since Sweet Apple Acres contains the only privately-owned Zap Apple orchard in Equestria, and thus, the only place to obtain the stuff. Their employer was trying to corner the market, supply some sort of revolution in Phillydelphia. I'm sure the Equestrian Guard would love to see this. Of course, we shouldn't be there to show it to them."

"I'm afraid it's too late for that, Ms. Starswirl."

She looked back to see the full helmet and armor of an Equestrian Guard commander. Behind him was a troop of Guardstallions, one holding R.D. by the hoof. Starswirl stared back at the commander. Judging by the scar above his left eye, it was the one she knew best.

"Howdy, Colonel Lynch. How's the buckethead life?"

She playfully gave his helmet a resounding thump. He was not amused.

"Skip the witticisms, Starswirl. You've lost. I knew I'd catch up with you sometime."

"You know, if I had a bit for every time you said something like that to me..."

But before she could state the estimated figure, the signature thunder of Pinkie's helicopter returned. Even faster this time, so that the Guardstallions never had time to notice her. She came in on a low sweep, only a few hooves above the ground. The assembled troop dove away, the chopper's rotor wash blasting against their faces. It sped off as quickly as it had come, and the P-Team had done the same. The three of them were racing through the gates, away from Ponyville. This was not at all pleasing to Colonel Lynch, who immediately ran after them.

"Come on! Don't let them get away!"

The Guardstallions behind him followed immediately, radiating red and blue flashing lights from their horns. The age-old chase was back on again. Or was it? Back at Sweet Apple Acres, Starswirl and co. rematerialized from thin air, as their running duplicated faded into nothing.

"Nice disappearing trick, Twi."

"Thanks, A.J.. That should send Lynch's Lightweights on a very nice little wild goose chase. I love it when a plan comes together."

The foursome joined in laughter, and high above, in the distance, Pinkie glanced back to them. Nopony could know for certain what she was looking at, but she winked, as if to some invisible watchpony.

Under New Management

The next day, Flim and Flam pulled up to the gates of Sweet Apple Acres, piles of renovation equipment loaded onto their trainlike cider-squeezing wagon. One can only imagine their surprise to see a banner hung from the side of the barn, reading SWEET APPLE ACRES: UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT. They dismounted the SSCS 6000 and marched up the path into the front door. After a few impatient knocks, Gemstone opened the door and showed them in.

"Good day, gentlemen. Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres, soon to be the apple-producing giant of Southern Equestria."

The brothers were too shocked to hear her. The interior had become a modern office lobby, indistiguishable from that of a five-star Canterlot business. How the Apples had changed this pig-sty into such a place so quickly was completely beyond them, but that didn't help their irritation or suspicion. Gemstone took her place behind the reception counter.

"What can I do for you fine gentlecolts?"

"My name is Flim..."

"...and I'm Flam. We are the Flim-Flam Brothers."

"And we were supposed to take ownership of Sweet Apple Acres today."

It took all of Gemstone's skills as an actress to keep up a facade of politeness with these ruffians.

"Well, as you can see, Sweet Apple Acres has come under new management. If you have a dispute, you can take it up with the owner."

"We plan to."

"Where are the Apples?"

"I'm sorry, gentlecolts, but the Apples vacated the property several days ago. They have severed all connections with this establishment."

On cue, a tall, golden-skinned stallion wearing a white-brimmed cowpony hat stepped in, carrying an air of importance in with him.

"What's this, Mrs. Pearl?"

"These gentlecolts are saying that they have some claim to this property, Mr. Honcho.They wanted to speak to the Apples."

The pony turned his slightly annoyed gaze towards the brothers, and adressed them with a thick Southern drawl.

"Well then, I suppose we'd best get this settled. Friends, my name is Head Honcho, and I'm an apple baron from San Manetonio. I've heard great things about this land, so I met with the Apples a few days ago to discuss buying it from them. When they informed me of their, well, less-than-favourable situation, I agreed to give them a quick purchase in exchange for a lower price. In short, gentlecolts, Sweet Apple Acres belongs to me. I'm thinking of renaming it. How do you like "Honcho Orchards"?"

The brothers were indignant at having what was almost-rightfully theirs taken away from them.

"I do hope you mean "Flim-Flam Fields."

"Now see here, my good stallion. My name is Flam..."

"...and I am Flim."

"And we won Sweet Apple Acres from the Apples three days ago. This land is ours..."

"...and we can produce the documents to prove it."

Head Honcho was taken aback at the arrogance of these two unicorns, to simply barge in and claim they owned his new farms.

"Is that so? Well I have the only document that matters, and I have it right here."

Out of his business coat pocket he drew and unfurled the deed to Sweet Apple Acres. There was no arguing with that, and Flim and Flam knew it.

"Brother of mine, huddle up."

"Indeed, brother."

Flim and Flam turned away and started whispering to each other, as Head Honcho rolled his eyes. After a few seconds of deliberation, Flim turned back to him, and Flam walked towards an over-filled bookshelf across the room.

"Mr. Honcho, we apologize for the disturbance, but Sweet Apple Acres belongs to the Flim-Flam Brothers. We could go to court and argue about this in front of Celestia herself..."

"...but we believe that we'd all find it more advantagious if you simply left right now."

"After all, this is a dangerous piece of property. Am I right, brother of mine?

"Indeed, Flim. We'd hate to see you involved in any accidents."

At this, Flam's horn lit up a venomous green, as did the bookcase. With a tilt of his head, it came crashing down onto the glass table in front of it. Gemstone gasped, as Head Honcho looked on in shock.

"You good-for-nothing varmints..."

Flim started up his magic as well, levitating Honcho up into the air.

"And if you don't leave soon, you just might get hurt in one of these accidents."

"That would be very, very unfortunate, now wouldn't it, Mr. Honcho?"

Gemstone, almost earnest in acting terrified, screamed at the top of her lungs.

"Security!"

R.D. burst in from double doors behind the counter, showing off sunglasses, flared wings, and a scowl. She launched over the desk and onto Flim, dropping him and Honcho at the same time. Flam sprinted over to her, but was met by another enforcer. Pinkie had followed in right behind R.D., sporting the same attire, but with her scowl inverted into an irremovable smile. She clearly couldn't pull off the look as well, but she had blocked Flam's path. Head Honcho walked over next to Pinkie, and stared him down.

"I think we'd all find it more advantagious if you simply left now. This land is mine, and any low-down scumbags that try to take it from me get this!"

He spun around and bucked Flam clean out the door, with R.D. tossing his brother out behind him. The doors slammed shut, and the brothers returned to their vehicle with their tails between their legs. Inside, Head Honcho dissolved back into Starswirl, as she undid her own disguise spell. Out of a closet came Applejack, not as pleased with the encounter as would be expected.

"Twi, I mean Starswirl, you know they won't just give up like that. They'll come back, and probably come looking for a fight."

"I know, A.J. In fact, I'm counting on it."