Polar Opposites
You are Anon and you are bored. The ponies are so proud of their perfect little town. They call it peaceful and harmonious, you call it dull and predictable. You are sitting on the couch in Twilight Sparkle’s tree-library-house, reading a book on the history of pony civilization. The tales of the wars and battles of their past pale in comparison to human history. The best part of the book was the war of Sun and Moon. Apparently one of the royal pony-goddess space-sisters lost her shit, turned evil, and used dark lunar magic to create an army of transfigured bat-pony minions to take over the world.
You sigh and think,I was magicked into the wrong time period.Where’s the TARDIS when you need it? You feel a bit of nostalgia at the thought of television, then an equal amount of depression, as you realize that ponies haven’t bothered to invent them yet. This place is so backward, all this magical bullshit, and they can’t even build cars or... Air conditioning? You relish the thought of your favorite human invention as sweat forms on your brow. I’m gonna go get Rainbow Dash to make me a raincloud... She’ll totally do it if I let her watch me shower off.
You extricate yourself from the awkwardly shaped pony-couch, wondering what evil universal powers decided to drop you into a land of talking miniature horses, instead of something a bit more human shaped. You walk outside and look around, searching the skies of Ponyville for the resident weather captain.
Clear skies, that means she is probably sleeping. Fuck. Now I have to walk all the way out to that damn apple orchard and shake her ass out of a tree. Why does she even do that?Fucking bird-ponies can sleep on clouds... Oh well, since there aren’t any cars and the ponies generally look down upon me trying to ridethem, I guess I’ll start fucking walking.
The trip to Sweet Apple Acres takes about fifteen minutes. You curse under your breath the whole way, watching the skies for any sign of a rainbow contrail. You decided a long time ago not to question how that shit was even possible.Fucking pony physics... You arrive at the apple-mecca of pony civilization and begin heading toward Dash’s favorite spot. In the distance, you can see a rainbow-colored tail hanging from the canopy of a massive apple tree. Time to break out the slingshot.
With well-practiced precision, you remove a river-stone from your ammo pouch and launch it from the handmade weapon. *Smack* The shot strikes true and hits a branch just over Rainbow Dash’s head, causing a massive apple to fall squarely upon her face. She jumps up and hits her head on the same branch.
“Ouch! What the hay?”
The look on her face is priceless. You can’t help but think she is pretty cute when she’s angry. Smiling innocently, you hide the slingshot behind your back and give her your most dashing smile. “Hey Rainbow, I thought I might find you here. Beautiful day. Looks like you’ve been taking care of business.”
She rubs her head with a hoof, but smiles when she sees you. “Hey Anon, what brings you here? You walk all the way here just to see me?” She smirks and waggles her eyebrows at you, then springboards off the branch into a double-backflip, landing gracefully beside you. “Wanna go prank some ponies?”
You smile at her little display of awesomeness. Of all the fucking ponies in this town, Dash is by far the most fun to be around. “Actually, I came to bribe you into making me a raincloud so I can cool off a bit. This weather is too hot for a poor little human like myself.” You fake dizziness and collapse onto the ground, holding the back of your hand against your forehead in mock distress.
Rainbow trots over to you and looks down, her muzzle just inches away from you. She looks a bit concerned for a few moments, before cracking a smile and licking your face. “Mmm, salty.” She quirks an eyebrow and says, “You mean you walked all the way out here just so I could get you all wet? If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you just wanted some flank.”
You groan in response, having explained to the ponies countless times that you were not at all interested in having sex with them. The idea of banging a farm animal has never been appealing to you, no matter how cute they may be. Of course, Rainbow being Rainbow, she bugs you about it every chance she gets. Lately though, it seems more and more like she isn’t really joking. And six months is a long time to go without enjoying the company of a woman.
“Ha ha, very funny Dash. I think it’s you who wants to get a piece of my meat... Speaking of which, if you make me a raincloud, I wouldn’t mind letting you watch me shower off... I know you would love that.”
She blushes a little bit at that and stammers a reply. “I-uhh, I can do that. I don’t understand why you always wear clothes anyway, nopony else cares.” Dash blasts off above the canopy of apple trees and begins flying in a loop. She gradually increases her speed and pretty soon all you can see is a rainbow-colored mini-tornado. After a few moments of intense wind, she stops almost instantly, exposing a big, gray rain cloud that materialized inside of the brightly-colored funnel.
“This oughtta work. Now, where you wanna do this?” Dash starts lowering the cloud to what seems to be a more manageable level... Or so you think. She doesn’t stop until the cloud covers your head, completely soaking your upper torso. You duck out of the way and run a few steps, shaking the water off and shooting her a mock-angry glare. You can’t really be mad at her, though; that shit feels awesome.
“Here, I guess. It looks like nobody is around to watch besides you.” You pull off your soaked shirt and hang it on a nearby branch to dry. Then you unbuckle your belt and slide off your pants, folding them up and hanging them by the shirt. Dash lands next to you, still holding the cloud with a single hoof. She looks at you expectantly, probably wishing you weren’t wearing the silk boxers Rarity made at your request. “Well, you gonna make it rain, or am I gonna have to jump around inside of the cloud? Just try not to zap me with any lightning this time, okay?”
She giggles in response and pushes the cloud into the airspace above your head. “You ready?” Without giving you time to respond, she taps the cloud with her hoof, releasing a miniature monsoon upon your head. The water is only slightly cooler than the outside air, but it still feels amazing.
As you are enjoying the sensation of cool water flowing over your skin, a thought occurs to you. I wonder if electricity works the same here as it does on Earth... The cloud gradually dissipates, the rain disappearing along with it. You are left standing there with your silky boxers plastered against your skin, not leaving much to the imagination. Why did Rarity have to make them white?
Dash starts blushing as her eyes wander to the shapely bulge between your legs. You notice her wings starting to slowly extend, something you know from Twilight’s lessons on pony physiology to be a sign of arousal for pegasi. Yep, I’m just that sexy. You shake yourself off, making sure to accentuate the motion in your hips. Might as well make sure she gets a good show...
You look at her and smile. “Enjoying yourself, Dash?”
Her wings are pretty much unusable now and she is blushing furiously. She finally wills her eyes away from your package and cracks a huge smile. “If Cloud Kicker was here right now, she would be all over you. Hay, I’m surprised she hasn’t tried to bang you already.”
You think back and try to remember which one Cloud Kicker is. Then it hits you. “Oh yeah, that’s the purple chick with the blonde hair right? She actually did hit on me one time; it was obvious she wanted me. I told her how I felt about sex with ponies and she backed off... Pretty cool pony, all things considered. Total slut though... Can ponies get STDs?”
Dash cocks her head in confusion. “ST whatnows? Is that some kind of weird human sex thing? I probably don’t wanna know, do I?”
You shake your head and respond, “Nah, don’t worry about it. So, what do you know about lightning?”
Dash smirks and responds, “Everything. I mean, it is part of my cutie mark after all. Not to mention I’m the weather captain of Ponyville. What do you wanna know?”
You think for a moment and ask, “Do you know anything about protons and electrons?”
She ponders your question for a moment, then responds: “Yeah, negatively and positively charged particles, right? That’s how lightning works, it’s basically a massive static charge that releases once it hits a high enough difference in potential between the opposite charges. Any weather-mare worth her salt knows that. And if you’re good like me, you can manipulate the resistance of the air molecules and direct the lightning wherever you want it to go.” She smiles at your dumbfounded look.
You honestly didn’t expect Rainbow Dash of all ponies to be so detailed and technical in her response. You shake your head for a moment to clear away the mindfuck you just received. Recovering your wit, you smirk at Dash and ask, “Who’s the egghead now, Dashie?”
She rolls her eyes in response and says, “Yeah, yeah. Very funny, Anon. So, why do you wanna know about lightning?”
“Well, you asked if I wanted to go prank some ponies... I have an idea.”
Dash’s ears perk up and she hovers to eye level with you. “Whatcha got, stud?” Her eyes wander back down to your clearly visible love sausage... To be honest, you don’t blame her. It is pretty damn big.
You put your hand under her chin and push her head back up to meet your eyes. “I’m up here, Dash.” She blushes and smiles awkwardly.
“I saw a pony with a plus sign cutie mark the other day. What happens if we find a negative cutie mark pony and make them touch?”
She cracks a huge grin and says, “Why didn’t I think of that before? This is gonna be awesome! Let’s go! We gotta find somepony to try this on.”
With that, she zooms off halfway to town square, then stops mid-air and flies back. You just stand there with a bemused look. You’re still practically naked and soaking wet; you are not going into downtown Ponyville without some clothes. Dash lets out a sheepish chuckle and conjures up another one of her fucking mini tornados, this time with you as the centerpiece.
After what seems like five minutes of horrific hurricane-force winds, she stops. Somehow, with the chaotic wind whipping at your shorts, the fly came open. All that friction leaves you in a semi-aroused state and you are practically flopping around in the breeze. Dash is doing her best Big Mac impression as she ogles your member with frightening intensity.
“Take a picture, Dashie, it’ll last longer.”
She keeps staring and you decide that you are dry enough to get dressed, so you do. Dash doesn’t even blink the entire time it took you to clothe yourself. She just floats there. You don’t know how that’s even possible, because her wings are currently about as flexible as cryogenically quenched adamantium.
“Dashie, you still with me?”
You walk around and smack her right on the ass. She immediately falls to the ground in a rainbow-colored heap of fur and feathers. You kneel down beside her and pat her on the head.
“You okay, Dash? I think my sexiness fried your brain there for a minute.”
She attempts to look up at you from her awkward position on the ground, her eyes strangely resembling those of the mailmare everyone calls Derpy. Unfortunate name... poor girl. You pull Dash to her hooves by the scruff of her neck and she wobbles around for a moment before snapping out of her daze. She looks up at you with a crazed glint in her eye and says, “We will never speak of this,” before trotting down the trail toward Ponyville proper. It is hard not to notice that her tail is swaying far more than necessary. Nice flank. Too bad there weren’t more girls like her back home. Wait, why am I even thinking this? God, I’ve been here too long.
You follow, distracting yourself by developing a strategy to coerce two unsuspecting ponies into falling for your trap. You also ponder the possible outcomes of the scenario. It always pays to plan ahead. A. Nothing happens. B. They create a massive electrical charge which instantly fries them. C. They get stuck together like magnets. D. Swirling vortex of doom that destroys all of equestria... I hope it’s not A.
While you are lost in deep thought, you somehow manage to arrive in town square. You are overwhelmed by a sea of crayon-ponies, like some kind of kid’s menu at a crappy Italian restaurant. You stop at Dash’s side and ask, “So, you know any ponies that we can try this on?”
She looks up at you and replies, “Let me scout around for a minute, I’ll find ‘em in ten seconds flat! You stay right here, I’ll be back before you even realize I left.” With that, she jumps about thirty feet in the air and starts zipping around the airspace above town square.
You make your way to a nearby bench and sit. After about a minute of scouting, Dash lands next to you. “That was longer than ten seconds, Dashie.”
She ignores your comment. “I found ‘em. One over there by the carrot stand and one by Sugarcube Corner.”
You take a moment to contemplate your options. “Well, that’s convenient. Think you can get the carrot muncher into Sugarcube Corner?”
Dash shrugs and replies, “Only one way to find out. But I think I can manage. How do you wanna do this?“
You wave a dismissive hand. “Don’t worry about that. You just focus on getting your mark into Sugarcube Corner. I’ll take care of the rest.”
Dash gives you a salute and flies off to handle her mission. You think, Now, how can I get them to touch? Pinkie pie... It has to be Pinkie. You smirk and make your way toward Sugarcube Corner, a devious plan forming in your mind.
You spot a sciencey-looking stallion with a protonesque cutie mark. Perfect. You approach him. He sees you and his eyes go wide, but he looks away.
“Hello there, sir. How are you this fine day?”
The stallion peers up at you with a curious look on his face and responds, “Quite well, thank you. Just gathering some materials for an experiment of sorts.” He brings a hoof to his face and pushes his thick rimmed glasses further up his snout as he levites some shit into his saddlebags. “I don’t mean to be rude sir, but you are a most curious creature. If you don’t mind me asking, what are you?”
You smile and think, This is going to be easier than I thought. “I’m a human, the only one on this planet. In fact, probably the only one in this universe. The name’s Anonymous, but you can call me Anon.”
He smiles and extends a hoof. “Nice to meet you, Anon. I’m Baryon, Baryon Nexus. Most ponies just call me Professor Nexus. I don’t mean to impose... But I am quite fascinated by the prospect of speaking with a being from another universe. Tell me, sir, how is it that you have come to be here in Equestria?”
You smile and bump his hoof in response. Too easy. “Well, that’s an interesting question, Professor. How much time do you have?” You motion toward Sugarcube Corner. “Care to discuss it over a drink?”
“I think that’s a fine Idea, Mr. Anon. Lead the way.”
You both make your way into the bakery. It’s all up to you now,Dashie.
After you enjoy a nice chocolate shake and a few minutes of conversation, Dash enters Sugarcube Corner with her prank target in tow. Good job,Rainbro. Now to make magic... Or in this case, well, I really don’t know what to call it. Something is gonna happen. Now, enter Pinkie Pie.
You look to the door and make a big show of Rainbow’s entrance. You stand up and wave her over, “Hey Rainbow, what a coincidence seeing you here! Please, come join us!”
She sees you and wanders over with her new friend. You notice the cutie mark stamped on his ass is a negative symbol with a lightning bolt shooting out of it. This couldn’t be any better. I’m gonna have to do something nice for my Rainbro if this works out.
Dash and the negatively charged unicorn stallion sit at the table you. The two stallions are opposite each other, along with you and your Rainbro. The conversation picks back up, with you being the main topic. You wink at Dash and excuse yourself from the table, moving on to your next objective: Pinkie Pie.
“Hey Pinkie! Looks like you’ve been working hard all day. You should take a break. I’ve got some ponies here I want you to meet.”
Pinkie smiles and somehow manages to tackle-hug you from across the big ass display case. “Silly Anon, I know everypony here! How could I meet somepony I already know? Unless...” Her eyes get wide and she gasps, her usual semi-retarded grin spreading across her face. “New ponies! Ohmygosh, I gotta put together a super awesome welcome to Ponyville new pony introduction party! It’s gonna be super-duper funneriffic! Where are they? I can’t wait to meet them!”
That was just as easy as I thought... Now for the finale. “Come on, Pinkie, we’ve got a table over there in the corner.”
You set Pinkie back on the floor and lead her to the table, contemplating the possible outcomes with each step. “There they are, Pinkie. I knew you would be dying to meet them.”
She hops up to the table and uses her fucking crazy psycho magic to extend her forelegs way farther than should be possible. You watch in anticipation as she pulls the two unwitting stallions in for a group hug. Wait for it, wait for it...
They touch. You see a brilliant flash of light. Pinkie and Dash are thrown to the floor next to you, tangled up in a cute little pink and blue heap of pony. The stallions are in a similar state, lying unconscious on the opposite side of the table. The ponies begin to stir. As usual, Rainbow is the first to speak up.
“What the buck just happened?”
She and Pinkie pick themselves up from the floor and whine about some shit, but you aren’t paying any attention to them. You’re more concerned with the two stallions trying to untangle themselves. They manage to get themselves off of their backs, but something is off. They try to crawl away from each other, but they aren’t having much success. That’s when you see the cause of their problem: they are stuck together, ass to ass.
Not exactly what you had expected, but still, fucking hilarious. You grab Dash and turn her toward the stallions. She looks back at you with tears in her eyes, then falls to the floor laughing hysterically. Through sheer willpower, you take one more look at them before you go into full monkey mode, pounding the ground and laughing uncontrollably.
The stallions are trying to pull away from each other, but it isn’t happening. They manage to stand up and start to pull with all their might. One of them slips and they stumble across the bakery, knocking over tables and falling into innocent bystanders. The look on their face is priceless.
You and your Rainbro manage to control your laughter enough to stand up and watch the scene unfold. It couldn’t have gone any better. You elbow her and motion to the door, then walk out together, leaving the scene of the crime with no regrets. The cries of agony can be heard across all of Ponyville... This is a good day.
You walk back to your place with Dash in tow. She’s still laughing and making jokes about the stallions. You look down at her and think, Maybe I should do something nice for Rainbro.After all,six months is a long time.
