This has to be one of the longest, most balls-to-the-wall dreams I've had in a while
I woke up in a sweat, which is normal during the hot summer afternoons. I look at my clock and panic when it reads 6:34. My bus to school usually arrives around 6:45 or so, so I really need to get moving.
I calm when I realize it’s Saturday. I remember yesterday being a Friday, so I thought I had nothing to worry about. However, my mother comes into the room and tells me I’m late, and rips the covers from my body. Much like ripping off a band-air, I cringe as the blanket leaves me. I leapt from the bed and jumped into my clothes for academics. (I go to a trade school, and I cycle between time in shop and time in normal school.) I rush into my bathroom and brush my teeth with care. I never really skimp out on that part in the mornings.
I glide down my stairs with ease and don’t even glance into the kitchen. I never really eat breakfast, and I rarely care to take my lunch to school until it’s too late. I slip on my headphones, pull out my slightly outdated Samsung, and begin to listen to music. Apparently, the last thing I listened to was F3nning’s remix of ‘Art of the Dress,’ though I don’t remember listening to it recently. I didn’t object, though. I enjoyed the song.
Around the time the beat dropped for a second time, my bus arrived. It’s always awkward for me to enter the bus. I always say good morning to the driver, but since I’m blasting music I can never hear him say it back. I always plop myself clumsily in the seat right behind him because I have a problem with looking at people, so to avoid doing so, I sit in the most convenient seat.
The day is pretty routine. Everything I’ve described so far happens all the time, so it was difficult for me to even formulate the idea that this was all a dream. It was around the time my friend, Damian, stepped on that things got weird. Not that it mattered, though. I was too deep into the dream to question reality. I had just gone through 15 minutes or realistic, every day life. This couldn’t be a dream.
Damian seats himself beside me like he always does.
“Sup.” He says, with a faint wave. I reply with a sheepish wave of my own that makes me feel a bit like a dick for not answering verbally.
“Whachu up to?” He asks, like always. I actually hate it when he says that, but I just don’t answer. Like always. Our mornings are awkward. I always feel like a cold jerk.
“So, did you see the new episode?”
My head turned so fast, my Skullcandy headphones flew off my ears. I could hear the retarded conversation the DJ’s on the radio have every morning for only a second, for my selective hearing drowned them out to only hear Damian’s words.
“You didn’t see it?!”
“No…” I whine.
“It was a fantastic episode! Roseluck was in it! As a major character! I’m surprised you didn’t see it.”
“Nope.” I finally say, shaking my head. “No, It’s bullshit.”
“No, no, it’s-”
“Fuck your shit!”
“No, no, no, it’s good! She sang and everything!”
“Eat a dick!”
“I’ve got one of the songs she sings right here.”
Damian whips out his I-pod and scrolls through a list of songs. It lands on one song titled ‘Roseluck - The Sacred Chao.’ He then scrolls to the one below it, and it reads: ‘Roseluck & Pinkie Pie- 5 Tons of Flax.’
My heart flutters pulses. I feel light headed, and I’m smiling uncontrollably. (Ever since I’ve listened to Pinkie Pie’s hypnosis file a few times, I find myself smiling more often.)
I couldn’t believe it. Not only did Roseluck have TWO songs, but they were both about Chaos and Discordianism. No doubt this episode was badass. I wanted not to hear the songs, because I hate spoilers, but I needed a sneak peak. I just needed to hear Roseluck sing.
Damian giggled as I snatched his music device and plugged my Skullcandys into it. I played ‘The Sacred Chao’ and was greeted immediately with the sound of wind.
‘Who dare’s disturb my rest?’ The song begins, and the voice is beautiful. No other words.
‘Who dares disturb the daughter of Eris?
Who dares disturb my rest?
Is my message to you or to the fairest?’
I don’t remember the rest of the words completely, only that the chorus went a bit like:
“Here and now,
I’ve seen the light, now the commoners bow.
Hoping to see what I saw, but I’ve seen nothing
At all
None the less, they will vow
And pledge their allegiance to
The sacred Chao!”
It’s hard to remember the exact words. All I do remember is that the singer’s voice was a softer version of Elle Varner’s voice. The back beat was pretty bass bound, and the drums were striking. Every time the chorus was sung and done, the beat picked up and the sound of a lyre being played would fade in. It was easily the best song I’ve heard in a long, long while. Of course, as the Discordian philosophy dictates, the song ran for 5 minutes. (The Rule of Fives.)
I trembled in joy and asked to listen again, but was surprised to see that I was at school. The bus ride was unexpectedly short. I stand to leave the bus after Damian, having to hop over the heater box into the aisle, like always, and tell the driver to have a nice day. We enter the cafeteria, and it’s completely empty.
Usually, the cafeteria is bustling with people who had just stepped off their bus. (My school is not very bright, and we have a rule where EVERYONE needs to stay in the lunchroom until school starts.) The only reason for the absence of students is that my bus is late, or extremely early. Even the people who had just stepped of my bus were gone.
Damian walked over to the breakfast stand, which was devoid of any lunch ladies, and put in his pin number for breakfast. He didn’t even comment on the room’s emptiness. He just walked over to the table we usually crowd around in the morning and began to eat his corn muffin with orange juice.
I check my phone for the time, and notice that school has started, though not too long ago for the lunch room to be empty. I’m confused, but I wait with Damian anyway before heading to my homeroom. On my way to class, the bell rang (only instead of the annoying single tone our bell usually makes, it actually made the sound a bell should make.) and the hallways flooded with people. I didn’t really understand what was going on, until my eye caught David Pedro’s.
“Sup, flatty.” He says as he passes by me. He gives me a pat on my breasts…
Whoa.
I look down and examine my body. I’m wearing the same clothes that I put on this morning, only now my shirt fits me more snug, and my pants has shrunk a bit to complement my feminine curves. That I didn’t know I had. Apparently, I was a girl now. Despite the fact that my gender has changed completely, I’m more concerned with how pretty I look rather than the fact that I will no longer be using the boy’s bathroom.
Rather than making my way to the lunchroom, I walked back near the nurse’s office and walked into the girl’s bathroom almost instinctively.
I expected the girls bathroom to look different. No. It was exactly the same. There were even urinals. I looked at myself in the mirror and was overjoyed that I looked so cute. My black hair was short and just passed my chin. I was rather flat-chested, but had a slim and very feminine athletic build. My hips were pretty curvaceous, but thin. I was still the same height, I think. (Decently tall, but not a giraffe.) I don’t remember what my earrings looked like, but I remember that I was wearing them because I played with them for a solid minute.
It was at that moment that I really had to pee, and I was afraid to do so, because I didn’t want to break anything. (This was my legit thought process.) I rushed into a stall and fumbled with my turquoise studded belt. My fidgeting and urgency made me have to go more. When I finally loosened my belt, I dropped my pants and saw that I had a tattoo on my hip. It was Roseluck’s cutie mark, no doubt. The rose spanned from my hip bone to my mid thigh.
I suddenly didn’t have to use the bathroom anymore. It was as if the urge left me completely. I stared at the rose in awe and re-dressed. I walked outside of the bathroom and felt a new urgency.
I had to see the new episode. Stat. So, I walked over to the library, which was closed at this time. I used to be able to pick the locks on certain doors (Such as Mrs. P’s door, and the one to the library) with my glasses that I never wear, but now they’re harder to pick for some reason.
However, I got into the library with my glasses no problem. The library was empty, and the bookshelves were arranged in an order I did not recognize. The stacks were much, much taller as well. The new look gave it an ominous feel. The only light reaching into the library was fro the skylight in the atrium, so it was awfully dim and I stubbed my lady toe on a few chairs.
When I finally made it to a computer, it didn’t turn on, so I moved to another, and there was nothing but a picture of a pickle on the monitor. I squinted at the picture and realized that I could probably use the computer in music class and should get to lunch.
And to the lunchroom I went, when I saw a huge food fight going on. It looked as if people were trying to escape, and some were trying to fight back. The doors seemed to be locked from the outside, so innocent bystanders were trapped. (Even though there are exits through the kitchen.) I decided to open the door and let the poor souls out, grabbing a lunch tray from one girl as I walked in. I used the crimson plate to block incoming morsels from hitting my gorgeous girly face. (Although I seemed a bit like a tomboy.)
I made my way casually to my normal table through the chaos where I saw My friends Amar, David, Damian, Randall, and Hulk Hogan hiding under the table and launching food across the room.
Yeah, Hulk Hogan. He’s not really my friend, but he said he was my boyfriend, and he was wearing a black shirt that read: “I love Reimu P.K.” (Or ‘I heart Reimu P.K.’) and had a picture of my female face on it. I was confused as hell. David then said, in what seemed like Pinkie Pie’s voice, “GET DOWN!!!”
I dove over the table, and back-rolled under it with my squad. Under the table, for some reason, looked like a futuristic control center. I say futuristic, because I think there was a holographic table or something.
Damian whipped a floor plan out of his glorious Jew fro and ate it.
“I know where we have to go now.” He said as his eyes glowed a neon yellow.
Hulk Hogan pulled out an MP-5 sub machine gun from his shirt and poured mayonnaise on it. An entire tub. (Like, 4 quarts of it.) He threw it on the floor and there were suddenly 7 sub machine guns (I don’t remember all the types, but there were more than one), a flower, and an RPG. Hulk Hogan, of course, chose the daffodil. I picked up an Uzi, thinking I needed to contribute to whatever the hell was going on, when really, I just wanted to watch ponies.
Amar looked at Hulk and I and complemented on how cute a couple we made. I did a lady-like curtsy, but really could even process the thought of Hulk Hogan dating me.
Damian’s eyes started to glow again, and this time he told me to run through the kitchen and kill everyone inside, then go into my locker, take my hoodie (which I don’t remember even bringing, but at this point…) and get Roseluck out of my breast pocket.
I giggled with glee at the thought of a mini Roseluck. I didn’t object to this mission, but I had to ask:
“What will you guys be doing?”
I actually didn’t say that. Hulk did. I haven’t gotten to hear my lady voice yet.
But my friends answered the question by doing the Hunger Games finger symbol by putting their fingers to their lips. They then took off their shirts revealing , dynamite, comp-4, semtex, and fire works sparklers strapped to their chests. I began to cry silently and shake my head.
“It has to be done.” David says to me with a hand on my shoulder.
Hulk probably didn’t like David’s gesture, because he took David’s head and smushed it like a pea. I don’t. I just don’t. I cried some more, but Hulk carried me off to fulfill my destiny.
I ran into the kitchen to see that my assailants were all background ponies. They were wielding pillows and they were all smiling and giggling. There was a rainbow over the pot sink, and bubbles were everywhere. It was the cutest thing possible.
But Hulk Hogan (who was now John Cena for some reason, and still wearing the same shirt) began to open fire on the poor ponies. Entire magazines were wasted into them. I couldn’t cry anymore, but I defiantly couldn’t shoot. One pony came from behind and latched herself onto John’s back. She began to tear up and glow bright.
Then she exploded, launching me into the dining room. It was link a whole ‘nother world in there. The carpet was red, and there were plenty of adults. I was in a 5 star restaurant or something.
Suddenly, Princess Twilight sparkle (Who wore a halo for some reason, and was transparent like a ghost) tackled me to the ground and we hid under a dish cart. I found that I was wearing a black cocktail dress, and Roseluck’s rose was emblazoned on my chest. Twilight was still a ghost.
My Uzi had turned into a pistol with a silencer, and Twilight referred to me as Mrs. Bond, the floozy. This part is really fuzzy, but all I know is that there was a massive fire fight between the diners and I. Twilight kinda just floated there like Navi giving me crappy advice. I remember her trying to tell me how to reload the pistol, but I did so with ease before she could finish and this annoyed her.
The gunfight lasted a ridiculous amount of time. My dreams are usually very, very long, especially if I stay up too late and I eat sweets before bed, but I can’t pin point the cause of the dream’s craziness yet.
I had escaped the dining room, where I was now dressed in a black bandeau (With a rose on it, of course) and cargo pants. My pistol was now a micro Uzi with a silencer. I sprinted down the hall and bounded up the stairs to my locker (shooting a few random people who tried shooting at me, and some of whom that I really just didn’t like) and found that the Mane 6 (Excluding Twilight) was sitting in my way.
I walked up to them and poked Rarity in the head. She breathed fire at me, and the main 6 completely vanished.
“That’s spike for you.” Twilight said in a nasally version of her voice.
I decided to jump on her back and fly the rest of the way. (The halls are kinda long, and I just wanted to watch ponies.) Twilight didn’t object, and she flew up into the atrium. When we got to the third floor, I jumped off of her and rolled onto the nicely polished floor. Twilight, however, kept flying into the lockers and exploded like a missile.
I chuckled, but felt terrible for doing so.
Then, this shit happened.
I turn around and see Amar. He’s got his rape face on. There are dozens of mini ponies behind him. (I had no memory of the last dream during this dream, so I couldn’t even fathom what was going to happen.) I feared for my nubile innocence. I hastily jumped off the balcony, over the atrium gap, and down onto the second floor’s balcony. (A ridiculously long jump.)
Amar was down there too. I began to sprint for my locker hoping to grab Roseluck. Lo and behold, it was open, and Roseluck scurried out.
I ran and slid onto the ground, snatching her up and plopping her into the cleavage my bandeau made. My slide lasted until I hit the stairs where I found myself upright, and headed for the exit by the gymnasium.
Amar was close behind, I could just tell. I don’t fucking know.
“Why aren’t you wearing any panties, John Cena?” He called out to me.
I ran to the door, only to find it was locked. I turn around to see Amar walking slowly towards me. I’m trapped. Amar puts his hand under his face and removes it, revealing that it wasn’t Amar, but a walking pickle.
I shrieked like a little girl. Roseluck screamed a classic Wilhelm Scream.
That’s when Randall arrived through the Gym doors.
“Run, Reimu!” Randall called out. “I can handle this.” He then pulled out a lumberjack axe and turned to battle the pickle.
I don’t know why I tried the door again, but it opened and I bolted, leaping over a fence and running through tall grass until I hit the highway, and just kept it moving.
“I’m evolving!” Roseluck squealed in the tinniest, cutest little voice.
She then grew to the size of a horse and sprouted pegasus wings and a unicorn horn.
“Let’s fly to the castle!!!” She yelled.
I jumped on her, reloaded my micro Uzi, and watched as the highway suddenly (like, over the course of 5 minutes or so) morph into Rainbow Road from Mario Kart 64.
“Oh shit, fuck that.” Roseluck cursed under her breath as she then began to fly.
Pegasus ponies started flying up from the void and down from the ether. On them were Shy Guys armed with guns of all sorts. They all began to open fire on us.
Roseluck’s evasiveness was great, and my aim seemed to be pretty good. I fought until I ran out of ammo (more than ten clips or so later) then I just stole guns from the Shy Guys we bumped into.
The Shy Guys were yelling things like: “Why is Rintoo sad?” and “Garnier shampoo makes your hair shine!” The battle reminded me a little bit of Star Fox, and Roseluck’s wings blocked some bullets like an Arwing can.
A small floating island about the size of a parking lot suddenly appeared in the middle of the sky. Roseluck was drawn to it.
“Forward, my princess!” I say in a very feminine, and sultry voice.
Roseluck began to gain speed as she flew towards the island, dodging bullets and rockets from the flying enemies above us. I re-gained ammo for my micro Uzi out of nowhere, and fought back as best as I could.
We landed pretty smoothly, and I immediately took cover behind a tree where a few more bullets found themselves in. Roseluck’s horn and wings weren’t with her anymore, and was back to the size of a blind bag pony. I placed her back into my cleavage and ventured deeper into the island, which unbeknownst to me, gradually became larger.
I only realized the island’s growth when I found I was running for at least 10 minutes straight. I stopped, looked around and noticed something about the flora.
All the plants were pickles. I was in the Amazon pickle forest. The smell of vinegar and pickle was potent, and Roseluck cowered between my breasts. I pulled the breach back on my Uzi and prepared for what was coming to me.
“Look out!” Roseluck screamed as a large pickle tree toppled over. I sprinted for dear life until I tripped and toppled down a trench. I caught a pickled vine and I hung over a ravine. The water that ran through it wasn’t normal water. It had to be pickle juice.
Roseluck jumped out from my bandeau and climbed to the top of the trench. She pulled on the vine I was hanging on and I was surprised to find that she was able to pull me up. She was strong for such a little thing.
When I dusted myself off and got up, I noticed that she was eating an apple. It was a golden apple that read ‘Kallisti,’ and I know for a fact that that apple was for the goddess of chaos. I let Roseluck eat it, mostly because I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was evil.
When she finished, the sky changed in a way I can’t explain very well. It sorta looked like the sunshine before a rainy day. Very bright, but controlled into one area.
“Oops.” Roseluck squeaked.
I heard bullets zoom by me, so I snatched up Roseluck and took a running jump over the trench, barely making it to the other side. From there, I returned fire, not really knowing what I’m shooting at.
Until they poked their heads out. Pickle people. (They looked more like cucumbers, but they were probably pickles.) They were riding unicorn ponies with machine guns strapped to their sides.
I continued to run into the forest until I made it to the edge, in which Roseluck jumped from my shirt again and I jumped off the island without second thought.
In mid air, I turned around and found that I had my micro Uzi, and some other handheld automatic weapon. I opened fire on my pickled assailants who were hanging by the edge as I plummeted back down to rainbow road. Roseluck, as I had hoped, was a princess again, and she caught me. As we flew just above the rainbows, I could hear a faint voice.
The world started to fade as I heard my computer apps teacher talking about Sam path and power point projects. I then saw Yoshi in his cart zoom past me, dropping bananas in his wake. Roseluck began to pick them up with magic as she yelled 'I AM CHAOS!'. At the last possible second, I heard a loud bang.
I jolted up to find that I was in my bed and under the covers with a huge pool of sweat on my face. I was dumb enough to be wearing the covers in this heat. I was gasping for air as if I wasn’t breathing for a long time, but breathing was pretty difficult. My room felt like a sauna, and my door was closed, along with the window, so I probably could have had a heat stroke. I also think I suffered a random asthma attack, but that is unlikely.
I had no idea what time it was, nor even what day it was, but I knew It was a weekend, so it didn’t matter. I wanted to go back to bed, but I was too sweaty, and wanted to change my clothes.
Is it weird that I searched my drawer forever to find my Roseluck bandeau?
