It was a dark and stormy night. The moon, fully eclipsed, did nothing to lighten the landscape. The wind howled like a gale through the branches of the library. Rain splattered against the window of Twilight's bedroom, and a jagged bolt of lightning cut across the sky, blinding, for a moment, anypony who happened to be looking up.
Twilight rolled her eyes and turned towards Rainbow. "I don't think you could have arranged for more cliched weather if you were actively trying."
"What?" Dash turned to her other friends for support. "You're the one who wanted atmosphere." Dash's wing tips twitched downwards, forming a rough pair of quotes. "How was I supposed to know that you wanted lameness? Besides, it's a great night for a sleepover."
Applejack sighed. "Come on you two. Twi, I know it ain't exactly what you had in mind, but it'll do." She turned to Rainbow. "And sugar, you know you overdid it just a bit. You need to think about others a bit more." As if to demonstrate why, there was a flash, followed by thunder, and the quivering pile of blankets behind Applejack shrieked. Applejack nuzzled the pile of shivering cloth. "Take it easy, Fluttershy. Ain't nothing to be worried about."
"I think it's fun!" Pinkie bounced to her hooves and then over to the window. "Like the sky is making faces at us!" As another bolt of lightning flashed, she giggled and then crossed her eyes and stuck out her tongue. As the thunder's report rolled across them, she blew a raspberry.
"I just wish there wasn't quite so much rain." Rarity shifted her position, uncrossing and then recrossing her legs. "My hooficure is going to be ruined walking through mud tomorrow." Another blast of light and sound left all six ponies blinking eyes and shaking heads.
"Maybe it's best if I don't taunt the clouds?" Pinkie said.
Dash looked upwards in concern. "There shouldn't be any lightning clouds over Ponyville. I'm gonna go take a look." She hopped to her hooves and trotted over to the library's door. Just as she was about to pull open the door, a loud booming knock rang through the library. Everypony froze and stared at the door. A second knock rang out.
"I-is somepony outside?" Fluttershy poked her nose out to stare at the door in concern.
Rainbow shrugged and reached for the door once more. A third and final knock boomed and then the door exploded inwards, hurling Dash into her friends and blowing out the lights in the room. When the smoke cleared, the group could see the dark form of a pony in the door. Lightning flashed and thunder boomed in one long continuous wave. Cackling laughter interwove with the cacophony of sound.
Twilight's horn flashed briefly and the candles re-lit, allowing them to see who had crashed their sleepover. Trixie stood in the shattered doorway, her cloak billowing in the wind. Somehow, her signature hat remain poised atop her head even though the wind should have stolen it long ago. "Behold! The Great and Powerful Trixie has, once again, returned!"
Twilight's shoulders slumped forward and her eyelids drooped. "Trixie, what're you doing here? Especially in such bad weather."
"The Great and Powerful Trixie has come for revenge! Again!" Cackling laughter rang out once more, followed by another round of thunder and lightning.
"Didn't she do this last week?" asked Dash, recalling when she'd interrupted one of Twilight's flying lessons and stolen a textbook, thinking it to contain vital lesson plans. When Trixie had threatened to destroy the book, Twilight had flown into a rage, forgetting all about her earlier protests of not yet being familiar enough with aerodynamics. Maybe holding the textbooks hostage hadn't been the smartest idea.
"And twice last month?" Fluttershy added. Now that she knew the lightning was Trixie's doing, it held no more terror for her. Real lightning was scary and could really hurt someone. Anything Trixie had a hoof in was automatically relegated to the realm of minor nuisance.
Rarity nodded in agreement. "Yes, she certainly has been persistent." She quickly checked over her mane and nightgown to ensure everything was still perfectly in place. "I'm beginning to think her revenge involves depriving me of my beauty sleep."
Applejack cleared her throat. "Sugarcube," she said, addressing Trixie, "maybe you could come back tomorrow? We already got plans and Twi's schedule ain't as open as it used to be."
"Tomorrow? The Great and Powerful Trixie's scheme will only be noticed on the 'morrow!" She threw her head back and laughed. Twilight was finally able to see that she'd glued the brim of her hat to her horn. "And this time, my revenge shall be complete! I'll win—" Trixie's horn flashed, interrupting Rainbow's seventh eye–roll and causing them all to blink— "in the end!" She cackled for a third time, bringing her running total for the year to an impressive sixty-seven, but much of it was swallowed by an ominous finale of thunder. When they opened their eyes, Trixie had vanished except for a trail of muddy hoofprints leading to a nearby azalea.
Twilight blinked. So far, this was the most effective second-revenge Trixie had bestowed upon them. The way she was getting slightly more competent worried the princess. That is, until she had completed a few simple calculations and determined that the sun itself would be long cool before Trixie managed to become an actual problem. Her horn glowed and the splinters and bits of wood knit themselves back into a door. "Now—" she turned back to her friends— "where were we?"
Dash snickered. A grin appeared on Rarity's face. "Oh darling. You picked 'truth' and were just about to tell us about the last pony you had a crush on."
Sitting firmly down back in her space, Twilight struggled to keep the heat from her cheeks. "I– um..." She fixed her eyes on the floor and did not check to see if Pinkie had that knowing grin on her face. "Well, there was somepony..." Blast that Trixie. If only she were more competent.
Twilight awoke to an earthquake.
"Twilight! Wake up!"
Or maybe to Applejack violently shaking her. She wasn't sure which was preferable.
"Come on, Sugarcube." If the shaking and the yelling weren't enough, Applejack's morning breath did the rest of the job. Twilight's eyes shot open and she bolted upright, a hoof flying to her nose.
"Ugh. What's wrong?" She caught a momentary flash of AJ's face before Rarity shoved her out of the way.
"It's absolutely horrid!" Her curlers bounced as she threw her head back dramatically. "A travesty!" Rarity's hooves flew to her lipstick–stained cheek. "My best feature, RUINED!" Rarity's strained features filled her vision as she pressed her muzzle against Twilight. "Twilight, you must do something!"
"Geh!" With a blast of magic, Twilight shoved her friend back. The lingering magical energy caused Rarity's mane to shoot out in all direction, blue static arcing along the frizzy mass. After a second, she realized what she'd done. "Sorry, Rarity." Twilight grounded the energy and smoothed Rarity's mane before the unicorn could work herself into a panic. "I'm just not good at waking up. What's..."
Twilight's question cut off in mid-sentence. It wasn't the way Pinkie was chewing on Dash's wing, the way Rainbow purred and twitched as she did so, nor even the way AJ was doing her best to clean extra lipstick off her cheek. No, it was her friends' rears which caught her attention.
Twilight had known that the posterior was a major source of attraction for ponies for many years. While she had never been overly entranced by them in general, nor her friends' in particular, today she could not tear her eyes away. It wasn't because Dash's well toned muscles gave firm shape and definition to her rump, nor was it the the full roundness of Pinkie's ample rear. Not even Applejack's muscled backside held her attention. In fact, it would be safe to say it was nothing about their butts that caught her eye and sent her mind reeling. It was their absence. Their butts had vanished.
Something of her confusion must have shown in her eyes, because Fluttershy's head slumped forward. "Um, well. We were sort of hoping this was due to some new spell you maybe hadn't quite got the hang of yet." Real fear started to creep into her voice.
"What coulda done something like this?" asked Applejack.
"What will we sit on?" Pinkie asked.
"How do our tails stay on?" Dash's nose was precariously close to where Pinkie's own tail jutted from her back.
"Oh! Good one!" Pinkie bounced around Rainbow in circles before slamming her head into Dash's in parody of a nuzzle. "Now my turn. Let's see..." Pinkie plopped her thighs down and rubbed her chin as she thought of some no doubt irrelevant question.
Unless Twilight wanted to be inundated with puns, she figured she'd better head that off. Twilight took on her lecturing pose. "A pony's tail isn't connected to her butt, Rainbow. It's connected to the coccyx."
All five of her friends flinched. Rainbow looked as if she'd been slapped across the muzzle. "Um, Twilight?" Fluttershy's soft voice was filled with implied apology. "Could you not use that kind of language? I mean, if you want."
"What? Coccyx?" The five mares winced again. Dash fell over. "What is wrong with you girls?"
"You just keep saying that word, darling." Rarity's face scrunched up like she'd eaten a rotting cabbage. "It's just so very... crude."
Eyes narrowing, Twilight's mind reeled against this travesty. How could they have confused one word's meaning with another simply because they sounded the same?
"Coccyx—" she emphasized the word which caused Rainbow, only halfway to her hooves, to fall again and begin to twitch— "is the medical term for tailbone."
Five identical "Oh"s sounded out. With a flick of her wings, Rainbow regained her hooves. "Wow. I was pretty sure I was gonna pass out for a second."
"What kind of strange prank is this, Rainbow?" Only one thing could drive the mystery of the missing butts from her mind for long, and that was a more normal mystery. Dash's strange behavior was much easier to contemplate. "It's not like words can hurt you."
All five of them shared a glance then Dash spoke. "Um, Twilight, haven't you been paying attention?"
"Paying attention? To what?"
Pinkie cut in front of Rainbow. "You know how Super Mare is really strong–"
Applejack added, "And really tough–"
Fluttershy's soft voice cut through AJ's as if she were speaking several times louder than she was probably capable of. "And really fast?"
Rarity chimed in, "Rainbow Dash is kind of like that."
"Except for lesbians," Dash finished.
"So you're Super Lesbian?" Twilight's voice was flat and lacked any emotion other than annoyance. "Right. Okay, how long have you girls been working at this? Did Rarity do all the magic?"
"It's true, Twilight." Dash tossed her mane. "Why do you think I have this awesome mane? Heck, why do you think everytime I stay over we end up making out, even though you're straight?"
"I– We– What?" Twilight stumbled backwards and fell to her... to what should have been her haunches, but was now just the place her legs connected to her back. Her eyes glanced around the room. Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rarity, and Applejack all had various smudges of lipstick placed at random. If she could have seen them, her own face and limbs would bear similar marks, she knew from experience. She had gotten them making out with Rainbow. Not once had that fact actually seemed significant in any way shape or form. She'd simply never considered it worth noting before.
Lack of a posterior now firmly expelled from her thoughts, she cast her memory back to last night. Oh, Rainbow. You're so very pretty. Had she actually said that? She had. She really had. Frantically, she scrambled to find memories from earlier parties. At each and every one, going right back to that night after they defeated Nightmare Moon, she could remember throwing herself at Dash and spending an inordinate amount of time kissing. Well, I normally like boys, but... Even at her brother's wedding! And it wasn't just her. All of them had ended up in that strong embrace, being surrounded by blue feathers. Sometimes even more than one of them at a time!
"But!" She protested. "I'm not gay!"
Rarity laughed. "I too do not normally fancy mares, but Rainbow Dash is..." She trailed off, as if searching for the right word.
Dash rolled her eyes. "You know how there's always an exception to the rule? That's me. I'm that exception. It's kinda like a super power."
"That's not fair! I don't like girls! How could you make out with me?"
"You don't get mad at Applejack for doing apple things." Dash poked a hoof in AJ's direction. Applejack sighed, then kicked Twilight's wall, causing several apples to rain from the ceiling. "And no one gets upset when Fluttershy steals their pets–"
"I don't steal them." Fluttershy lifted her chin and closed her eyes. "I rescue them."
"Right. No pony gets upset when Fluttershy," Dash raised her hooves in front of her, forming air quotes, "rescues their pets."
Pinkie butted in—well, not butted, but interrupted. "Not even when she ended up with all fifteen of Lyra's birds!"
"It's not my fault she didn't know how to properly care for them."
Twilight's mind was forced to abandon this thread of thought as well. If she didn't focus on it, the fact her first through five-hundredth kisses had been with another mare wouldn't cause panic to well within her. Her mind scrambled for a distraction from both missing butts and super powered sexuality. "Okay, but that doesn't really explain the 'coccyx' thing."
"Well Super Mare has her weaknesses, right?" Rainbow Dash said. "The word kinda like that one is mine."
"What? You mean, coc—"
Five pairs of hooves slammed into her mouth, knocking her out cold.
"Oh dear." Fluttershy hid under Applejack's tail. Without a butt to get in the way, it was quite roomy.
The other four shared glances. "Alright," Dash said as she met each of her friends' gazes in turn. "If she asks, we say she just really needed a nap?" Three muzzles and one tail bobbed in agreement.
When Twilight awoke, it was not to panic or bedlam. Ponyville was not falling apart around her. In fact, it seemed a rather normal day. She could hear the sounds of raised voices through her open window. Someone had moved her into the smaller reading room off of the main library and applied a cool damp cloth to her head—probably Fluttershy's work. Both she and Rainbow were in the corner of the room engaged in a passionate, but very quiet, kiss. Part of her mind glossed over the act as completely unremarkable while the other was shocked at the fact that she hadn't ever been shocked by these displays before. Twilight winced as that bout of cognitive dissonance rumbled through her head and considered going back to sleep. It was tempting, but the mystery of their missing butts loomed large. She was a princess and had a duty to perform, even if that duty was utterly preposterous.
She sat up and Fluttershy was immediately at her side. Had she not concentrated very hard on the fact that her friends has been making out only a second ago, she'd likely have forgotten. A thermometer was shoved into her mouth and a stethoscope placed against her chest. "Twilight! Are you okay? Does your head hurt? How many hooves am I holding up? Does your neck–"
"Come on, Fluttershy." Dash pulled the pegasus-cum-nurse back a pace. "Let her breathe."
"I'm fine," Twilight said. "I think."
A knock at the door cut off both pegasi's responses. "Twilight?" Applejack stuck her head through the door. "Oh good, you're awake." Applejack nodded out towards the town center. "The mayor's giving a speech. And, um. You need to see this."
Twilight and her friends followed Applejack outside to meet up with Big Mac and another stallion whose name Twilight couldn't quite remember. Most of the town was gathered in the square listening to the mayor's speech. Twilight had seen such gatherings before, usually after Mayor Mare had lost her town key and needed help finding it. Like previous gatherings, this one was obviously concerning a missing object, or rather, several hundred missing objects. Not a single pony at the gathering was in possession of his or her rear.
"Um, well..." Mayor Mare tugged at her collar. "It's not really under my purview. I, um. You don't really need one for everyday activities, right?"
At her statements the crowd grew agitated, many ponies grumbling. Cries of "but what shall we sit on?", "What should I scratch instead?", and "I need to poop!" all were heard above the clamour.
The mayor began to look around frantically. As her gaze landed on Twilight and her party, she visibly relaxed. "And here to tell us all about her solution to this problem, I present to you, Princess Twilight Sparkle." With a dramatic flourish, she gestured over towards Twilight.
"See if I vote for her next election," Twilight muttered under her breath.
She flared her wings. That always seemed to get everyone's attention. "Alright, everypony." She made sure to project her voice, just like So You're A Princess: A Guide to Dealing with the Masses said. "I'm pretty sure that the pony who did this to us was none other than Trixie." A murmur went through the crowd. "So I'm gonna find her, and I'm gonna make give our butts back." A few ponies stomped their hooves at this. "So, if anypony has seen Trixie lately, speak up!"
Applejack cleared her throat. "Ah, Twilight? I got someone right here." Applejack gestured to yellow brown stallion. "Y'all remember Caramel, right?
"Right!" Twilight said. "The one who keeps spilling seed everywhere!"
Caramel cleared his throat nervously, and then spoke. "Well, Twi—uh, princess, ma'am, we were heading down past the south barn early this morning, but we noticed the doors were open. Ain't nothing inside this time of year, but we took a look anyway. Got my nose in the door and that crazy nag darn-near bit it off." He turned to smile up at Big Macintosh. "Ain't that right, Mackie?"
AJ's big brother shifted the sprig of grass to a more comfortable position then added his own embellishments. "Eeyup."
"And you're sure it was Trixie?" Twilight didn't see who else it could be, but it never hurt to be sure.
"Unicorn? Kinda silver-blue? Cloak and hat straight from a box of crackerjacks?"
"That's the one," said AJ. "But what's she doing down in the south field? Ain't nothing nor nopony down that way this time of year. Doesn't Trixie like an audience?" Applejack fixed her brother with a glare. "What were y'all doing down that way?"
Big Mac and Caramel glanced at each other. Caramel's cheeks turned as red as Mac's coat. "Um, we were… That is… We were… Um… Stallion things." Caramel trailed off into silence.
Applejack's eyes grew wide. Pinkie bounced forward. "Somepony had fu-un!" she sang. Rarity's eyes became unfocused and her face flushed as a goofy smile formed on her face. Fluttershy hid behind Applejack again, but the tips of her flared wings were quivering in excitement.
Rainbow Dash darted forward until she was nose to nose with Big Mac. "That's awesome!" She thrust a hoof towards him. He tapped it with his own, and thus began the most complex series of hoof bumps, ankle taps, and leg shakes that Twilight had ever seen.
As they finished, Twilight caught Dash's eye and raised her brow in question. "Seriously? A secret hoofshake?"
"Yeah." Dash nodded. "We have a newsletter too."
"It has the best comics!" Pinkie added.
Twilight shook her head. Secret hoofshakes, newsletters, merit badges, whatever: none of it was important right now. She knew where Trixie was and her course was clear. "Alright then." Twilight drew herself up to her full height. "Girls, let's go get our bottoms back!"
Applejack hitched her hind legs and kicked. Even without the benefit of her overdeveloped rear, the door to the barn flew open, spilling light across the room. Inside, Trixie awaited them. She reclined upon a mountain of pastel colored posteriors. Reds, blue, yellows, all the unsaturated hues that one could imagine a pony's coat taking on. Twilight's eyes were drawn immediately to a disembodied light lavender butt. It was hard to miss; she and Rarity had spent several hours looking at it in a mirror, trying to find a suitable coronation gown. Even without that bit of suddenly disturbing memory, its location ensured it would not be missed. At the top of the soft pile, Trixie's head lay atop it, her hoof caressing Twilight's left buttock. A chill traveled up Twilight's spine and she swore she could feel the touch.
"At last you have come, Twilight Sparkle." Trixie's tongue snaked out and licked lightly across a cheek, causing Twilight to shriek and leap into the air. Fluttershy hid her reddening face behind a wing whereas Rainbow Dash smirked and whispered something to Pinkie Pie that widened the mare's ever–present grin. "The Great and Powerful Trixie has been waiting for you."
A purple–trimmed white blur whizzed into the barn. "Oh how I've missed you!" Rarity cooed as she hugged and nuzzled an alabaster–white derriere. Trixie sat up and frowned at the other unicorn. Her horn flashed and an echoing glow from a small pendant hanging around her neck answered. A blue field formed between Rarity and her perfect posterior, forcing her away from her best feature. "No!" she cried as she struggled to maintain her grip on her rear. "I will not lose you again, my love!"
Trixie sneered and the glow from her necklace grew brighter. The field doubled in size, tossing the now wailing unicorn through the open doors, over the heads of her friends, and back towards Ponyville proper. A lingering "nooooooooo" echoed in the ensuing silence.
Twilight shook her head, reset her hooves in a dramatic pose, and flared her wings wide. "Trixie! G—"
"Give us back our butts!" Pinkie popped up in front of Twilight. "It was kinda funny at first, but now I'm tired and Dashie's wings aren't like pillows at all."
"Hey!" Rainbow shoved her nose against Pinkie's, forcing the mare back a step. "Are you saying my wings aren't feathery enough?"
Twilight tried to tune out the arguing pair. "Trixie." she fixed the other unicorn with her sternest stare. "Give us back our—"
"Well yeah." Pinkie's eyes nearly fell out of her head as she rolled them. "But they're all pokey and not soft."
"So now my butt is soft?" Dash's wings flared, blocking Twilight's view of Trixie's heap of hindquarters.
Twilight shoved Rainbow to the side. "—bottoms!"
"It's not soft! It's awesome!"
"But soft is awesome!" Pinkie's nose squeaked as she pressed back against Rainbow's. She unbalanced a bit and bumped into Twilight before catching herself.
Trixie's eyelids drooped and she examined her hoof. With a flicker of magic, echoed again by the amulet around her neck, she flicked away an imaginary speck of dirt. "Trixie does not—"
"But soft is weak." Dash's nose angled out to the side and her muzzle slid along Pinkie's, coming to rest against the side of her neck. "And weak isn't awesome." Dash's voice was quieter now. Twilight wanted to look away, but her eyes were riveted on the two ponies making out mere inches from her face.
"Fools!" Trixie reared back to stand on her hind legs. "You are to interrupt the Great and Powerfu—"
"Nuh-uh!" Pinkie gasped and tilted her head back as Dash nuzzled the bottom of her chin. "When it comes to bu—pillows, soft is the best." Her eyelids closed and she began to breathe in great trembling breaths. The two listed to the side and Twilight was forced back a step, lest she become party to the pair's passion.
Twilight stepped around the otherwise occupied pair. "You've gone too far this time, Trixie." An accusing hoof stabbed towards the other mare. "It was kinda funny when you made everyone's hair glow in the dark, but this is—"
Rainbow's nuzzles turned to soft nips. She, too, was beginning to breathe hard. "But what about, uh, firmness?" Pinkie gasped again as Dash's wingtip stroked her cheek, narrowly missing Twilight's eyes.
"Will you two cut that out?" Twilight yelled. "I'm trying to have a showdown here!" Both ponies jerked and turned towards her. As Dash's eyes met hers, Twilight suddenly noticed just how red they were: like pools of liquid ruby. The way Dash's lower lip trembled as she breathed invited Twilight to— And then it was gone.
Trixie cleared her throat, then resumed examining her hoof in an aloof manner. With a flicker of magic, echoed by the amulet around her neck, she again flicked away the same imaginary speck of dirt. "Trixie does not wish to return your bottoms." Her voice dripped with feigned disinterest. "She is quite comfortable where she is and not inclined to exert her considerable magical talents."
"What magical talents?" Applejack's question was addressed to Twilight, but she didn't really bother keeping her voice down. Trixie's mouth dropped open in shock, but otherwise no one moved or said anything.
Fluttershy giggled. It was a very quiet giggle, even for her. Had there been so much as a strong breeze rustling the grass, it would have been lost. That small noise, hardly audible, set the rest of the group off. Before long both Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie were rolling on the floor. AJ was chuckling and even Twilight was unable to hold back a snicker.
"The Great and Powerful Trixie will not be laughed at!" Trixie shouted. Lightning flashed and thunder boomed from the clear sky. "Her magic is as powerful as two unicorns."
Rainbow Dash convulsed anew. "W-who? Snips and Sn-Snails?" Trixie's expression grew dark and a narrow bolt of lightning flashed between her horn and a wiggling pink posterior. Pinkie yelped and her mane and tail stood on end.
"Foolish pony! Trixie's magic is the most powerful in the land. The Duocorn amulet," she thrust her chest forward, allowing the light to catch the silvery medallion hanging around her neck, "lets her have as much power as any two ponies!"
"Fine." Applejack wiped her eyes with the back of a hoof, shaking off the last echoes of laughter. "You're the greatest, most powerful magical pony ever." Trixie swelled with pride, not noticing the sarcasm dripping from her voice like drool from Spike's mouth at the thought of a well polished garnet. "Can I have my rear back now? I've got a lot of apple trees to buck and Celestia knows it ain't all leg strength."
"In light of your acknowledgement, Trixie has decided to allow it. If," she opened her eyes and fixed Twilight with a glare, "Twilight Sparkle consents to marry the Great and Powerful Trixie."
The lingering laughter and giggles cut out. No pony said anything, but all eyes turned to Twilight. She could feel the words they weren't saying. Marry Trixie to regain her friends' rears. Could she do that? Trixie was perhaps the most annoying pony Twilight had ever met. She was at least as bad as any six, no, seven Pinkie clones. But on the other hoof, this might be the only way to get her friends' butts back without resorting to magical experimentation of her own. It could days or even weeks before she was able to properly match coat colors.
There was silence for several long moments. One by one, her friends glanced away.
"It's not like marriage is..." Rainbow Dash's mouth opened and closed without sound. "Nevermind," she grumbled, biting off her complaint.
Twilight appreciated the gesture for what it was. All her friends undoubtedly wanted their butts returned, but felt bad about trying to pressure her into marriage for their own gains, but this was the responsibility she had chosen to take on along with her crown. Well, the responsibility she'd been given; there had never really been something as well defined as a choice.
"I'll do it." Gasps sounded from all around her, including a rather dramatic one that could be heard all the way from Ponyville. Twilight rubbed a hoof against her forehead. "If nothing else, it'll get this day over with faster."
"I don't know what's worse," Twilight said as Rarity fastened a veil to her mane, "that you're actually excited about this wedding or that you already had a gown in my size."
"Twilight! I would never keep a gown just waiting around on the off chance one of my best friends would get married. The thought is, to be blunt, utterly barbaric." Rarity shuddered. "To think that I'd allow you to wear an out of date dress to your own wedding? Darling, I would hope you'd think better of me than that!"
"Then how–?"
"Oh, Big Macintosh, the dear, said that I could refit his. Isn't he just a gem? Caramel offered his too, of course, but that won't fit you very well now. Wings take up a considerable amount of room, you know."
Twilight's eye twitched. "Did you just say that this is Big Mac's dress?"
Rarity nodded as she pinned another ruffle to Twilight's train. "Yes, dear. And I expect you to thank him. They'll have to move the wedding back at least a week now."
"We are talking Applejack's brother, right? Tall, red, giant apple on his flank?"
"Indeed."
Twilight went silent and her eyes unfocused. Something wasn't adding up, but, given the day she'd had, it was quite possible the problem was entirely hers. Rarity hummed to herself as Twilight poured over their conversation. Needles, pins, thread, and small bits of fabric continued to be added to the ever mounting dress. After a few minutes, she could still make neither heads nor tails of it. "Rarity?"
"Yes, dear?"
"Why are you making Big Mac and Caramel dresses?"
Rarity looked askance at her, pins halting in midair. "Dear, they are getting married."
"No, I get that. I mean why dresses."
"Darling, I have been making dresses, gowns, and skirts since I was a filly. I am hardly going to stop now simply because my client happens to insist on being male."
Twilight opened her mouth to argue, but couldn't find the logic needed to refute Rarity's point. The rest of the fitting passed in silence.
Twilight stood a short ways back from the town square, radiant in her wedding gown. The citizens of Ponyville had been productive. No signs of the mayor's stage from earlier remained, and they had even assembled a small raised platform. Trixie stood amidst the ponies unfortunate enough to be nearby when she had arrived snapping orders. Under her direction, flowers, cakes and presents were gathered and set out.
“Hey, Twi. How's it going?" Dash's voice startled her a bit.
Twilight turned and flashed a half-hearted grin at her friend. "Oh, me? I'm fine. Just look at me. First a princess, now a bride. It's right out of a fairytale." She rolled her eyes. "What more could a pony want?" Her half-smile failed completely. "At least she won't be my first kiss," Twilight muttered, studiously avoiding Rainbow's eyes.
"Well, you could always resign." Dash yawned. "From being a princess. I don't think anyone would try to make you do it. But don't worry too much about the bride thing. I've got your back on that."
"What are you going to do? Bite me and turn me into a lesbian?"
Dash's eyes went wide. "Does that actually work?" Dash opened her mouth and darted towards Twilight's neck. She froze in place as Twilight fixed her with her seventh best glower. Rolling her eyes and picking a small bit of grass from Twi's veil Dash said, "Just sign the prenup and stuff before you kiss her."
"How is that going to help?"
"Trust me, Twi." Dash kissed the tip of her nose. "Would I leave you hanging here?"
Twilight smiled a genuine smile. "Thanks, Dash." She rested her forehead against Rainbow's. "Even if whatever harebrained scheme you come up with blows up in everypony's face, thanks for trying."
"No problem." Dash flashed her a grin. "But this is going to be too awesome to fail." She ducked out sight. Even though Dash hadn't told her anything specific, Twilight felt better about the whole day. She smiled softly to herself. If she could trust one pony to come through in a tight spot, it would be—
"She kissed me." Twilight's face went slack again. "And I didn't even... Rainbow!" She yelled in the direction she'd last seen Dash. "Stop doing that!"
"Why do you wish to sign the contracts now?" Trixie did not so much ask, as demand an answer. "Trixie did not think this was the normal order of things."
"Well..." Twilight's brained fumbled for a reason that Trixie would buy. "I didn't want the reception to have, um, anything non-romantic like paperwork signing. It's our special day after all, right?" She forced a grin onto her face. Sweat beaded on her forehead as Trixie frowned at her. Any non-crazy pony would see right through such a transparent lie, but sane ponies didn't go around stealing ponies' bottoms to use as marriage proposals.
"Very well. Trixie agrees that no mere paperwork should mar this most joyous of days." Turning towards the mayor, Trixie snapped. "You, bring the paperwork to us now." As soon as the order had left her mouth, she turned away, forgetting the existence of the other pony entirely. She missed the glance and the slight nod Twilight and the mayor shared.
"Now then." Trixie brushed an imaginary bit of dust from the front her dress. "Your friend, the meek yellow one. She will be in charge of music?"
"Yes. Fluttershy's birds are perfect for this occasion."
"Hrm." Trixie frowned. "The Great and Powerful Trixie is unsure if mere birds are grand enough for her wedding." Trixie turned towards the mayor before the other mare's presence had even registered to Twilight. "Yes?"
The mayor glanced over towards Twilight again. "I brought your wedding contracts."
"Excellent." Trixie's magic grabbed the papers. "Now, off with you." She flipped through the stacks quickly. "Everything seems in order. Trixie would prefer a paper of more royal stock, but these will have to do." A small flash of power and Twilight felt a sharp pain on her wing. Twilight hid her annoyance as Trixie dipped the stolen feather into a jar of ink somepony had left nearby. Hopefully, Rainbow's scheme would be worth it.
It was several minutes before Trixie finished signing the stack of forms. Even though she wasn't excited at all about this wedding, it struck Twilight as almost offensive that newlyweds would be asked to perform this dull bit of bureaucracy on their wedding day. "There, now your turn."
Twilight held back a sigh and signed the papers. Despite Dash's promise, a weight settled in her chest as she lifted her quill from the final page. "There." Twilight was proud of the way she kept her voice from trembling. "Now you keep your part of the bargain."
"Very well." Trixie's horn and amulet blazed. Twilight's legs began to itch and then her rear began to itch.
A murmur of joy spread through the assembled ponies as they were reacquainted with their butts. Twilight could hear laughter and sighs from many of the crowd. Out of the corner of her eye, she spied Rarity trying to hug her hindquarters.
"Yay!" shouted Pinkie. Lifting her butt high into the air, she wiggled it. She narrowed her eyes and stuck out her tongue as she concentrated. Suddenly her rear snapped downwards and planted itself on a bed of clover. A look of pure bliss and relaxation came over her. "Oh yeah!" She wiggled more, grinding her haunches into the clover. "That's the good stuff!"
"Now!" cried Trixie, as she motioned for the celebrations to quiet. "Let the ceremony begin!"
It took mere moments for everypony to get into position. Rarity fussed over a few of the ruffles her sudden re-butting had rustled. Applejack took her place beside Twilight; she'd be giving Twilight away today as there had been no time to fetch her father from Canterlot. Besides, she didn't want them to have anything to do with this travesty of a wedding. Panic began to rise in her chest as Fluttershy's birds began to sing.
"Don't you worry none," Applejack said. "Dash's got it all figured out."
Rarity nodded. "I hate to see all this work go to waste—" she adjusted Twilight's veil again— "but she does know what she's doing."
Suddenly, the day grew darker. Not the ominous dark of a storm, but the low dark of a corner restaurant. Pinkie Pie jumped through the bushes that Fluttershy's birds had been performing on and slammed down a stereo. Mellow music, the kind many colts found themselves buying around Hearts and Hooves Day, filled the air.
"What is the meaning of this?" barked Trixie. "Who would dare disturb the Great and Powerful Trixie's wedding?"
Applejack nodded upwards. Following her gesture, Twilight watched as Fluttershy punched a hole in the light cloud cover. A spotlight of blazing yellow struck the ground a few feet from Trixie. Into this pool of light leaped a pony who was obviously Rainbow Dash. The pony had the same exact mane and tail. Her coat was the same light blue. Even her cutie mark was exactly the same. Only a small mask somehow fitted around her eyes hid her identity. And yet, part of Twilight's mind would swear up and down that she had never seen this masked mare before. The mare's mouth curved up in that same smirk that Dash often wore as she spoke. "That would be me."
Trixie's eye shot open wide and her cheeks deepened in a red flush. She drew herself up to her full height, struggling to control her breathing as obviously-not-Rainbow Dash approached. "W-what are you doing?" Trixie wiped a bead of sweat from her forehead. "S-stop!"
"Come on, Trixie." The masked mare stopped mere inches from Trixie. "You need to—" her muzzle brushed Trixie's— "lighten up." Her hoof slowly pushed Trixie's hat off of her head.
Trixie nuzzled Dash back, then pulled away. "No! Trixie only has feelings for Twilight! Only a princess is grand enough for the Great and Powerful Trixie." She gulped as her eyes met Rainbow's. "Only a princess..." Trixie's voice trailed off as she stared into Rainbow's eyes. Her lips quivered for a second before she threw her front legs around Dash's neck and pressed her lips into the masked mare's. With casual grace, as if there was nothing untoward about it at all, Dash lifted the necklace from around Trixie's neck and tossed it towards Pinkie.
"Well. That settles that, I reckon," said Applejack as she turned to walk away.
"Such a waste. It was a lovely dress, too." Rarity sniffed as she half-heartedly pushed a rose back into a more perfect position. "But I guess it's for the best."
Twilight blinked at the scene. Pinkie's makeout music, Fluttershy's lighting, and Dash's whatever had clearly been the plan Rainbow alluded to, but how did it solve anything? "What just happened?"
Rarity turned back towards her and raised a brow. "My dear, didn't you read the marriage contract before you signed?"
"Well, no." Twilight grinned sheepishly. "I figured I had to do whatever Trixie wanted me to, so it really didn't matter."
"Sugarcube. The moment you signed that last page, you were married to her." Applejack tossed a legg over her back, getting dirt on the dress. Both ignored Rarity's protests.
"'Course, one of those pages was a fidelity agreement." Applejack laughed. "Trixie 'n Dash are over there annullin' your marriage as we speak."
Twilight looked back towards the makeshift altar. The mayor was putting the final touches on a small tent erected around the pair. There was a card with writing on it pinned to one corner. Twilight squinted and could barely make the writing. "Not suitable for younger audiences," it read.
"So... I was saved from the fate of being married to the most obnoxious pony to ever trot into Ponyville by Super Lesbian?"
Applejack nodded. "Looks that way. I'd say you owed her one, myself."
Twilight thought about that as she and Applejack turned to head to Sugarcube Corner. Just because the marriage had lasted all of a minute didn't mean that the reception had to go to waste. Fluttershy joined the three of them, gliding down from her mood lighting. Her normally yellow cheeks were flushed bright red.
"You okay, sugarcube?" Applejack pressed up against her as they walked and a wing slipped over the farmer's back.
Fluttershy nodded. In a very quiet voice she offered, "The top of the tent is open." She looked out of the corner of her eye at Applejack and her entire face began to flush.
Applejack chuckled and called over her shoulder. "You coming, Pinkie?"
When Twilight glanced back, Pinkie Pie was clinging to a branch of a tree not far from where she was to have married Trixie. Waving to them without tearing her eyes away from whatever was going on inside the tent, she called back, "Nope! I'm good!" Twilight blushed and quickly looked away as Pinkie's grin began to grow.
Twilight awoke to the sound of giggles.
"And then she swore she'd get revenge. Again. Apparently we 'haven't seen the last of Trixie!' " Dash's imitation of the show mare drew another round of giggles from the rest of their friends. "Oh hey, Twilight." Dash smiled at her as she stretched.
The other four ponies shared a glance. "I do believe we could all do with some refreshment." Rarity announced loudly. "Girls?" The four of them exited towards the kitchen, leaving Dash and Twilight alone. Alone with Rainbow Dash. Twilight was half nervous and half excited. Neither spoke for a moment and she could feel the air growing more awkward by the second.
"Rainbow, I–"
"Twilight–"
The awkwardness returned as both waited for the other to speak. Suddenly, Twilight giggled. "This is like a romantic comedy, you know."
"I hate those," Dash said.
"I do too. They're so predictably cheesy." Both of them shared a chuckle. "Dash. I want to thank you for what you did."
Rainbow grinned. "I told you. I'd never leave a friend hanging."
Twilight glanced away from Dash. She inhaled, closed her eyes, and steeled herself. Meeting Dash's eyes again she made her decision. "Look. I know I was a bit upset last night."
"Twilight, I'm sorry about–"
"Hush," Twilight put a hoof to Dash's mouth. "Let me finish. You're a great friend and you'd never hurt any of us." Twilight blushed. "I guess what I'm trying to say, is that, if I have to have an exception, you're the one I'd want it to be."
"Twi..." Dash's wings rose slightly as Twilight smiled at her. Her lips parted and she leaned forward.
Twilight's hoof poked her nose. "Boop!" she shouted. Dash's eyes flashed open in confusion. Twilight laughed at the stunned mare. "Oh, Rainbow. Just because you're my exception, doesn't mean you won't have to work at it!"
It was a dark and stormy night. The moon, new in the sky, did little to lighten the landscape. The wind howled like a gale through the branches of the fallen oak Trixie now sheltered under. Rain splattered against her cloak, soaking her to the skin. A jagged bolt of lightning cut across the sky, blinding for a moment anypony who happened to be looking up.
"Curse that Twilight Sparkle. This is all your fault!" Trixie's horn was aglow, barely keeping the illusion of a warm fire fixed in her mind. "You and that masked menace."
Trixie held before her her hat, now with two circles cut into it, just above the brim. "And when I finally have the tricorn amulet—" she slowly placed the hat over her head, tugging it down around her ears so that she could see out of the eye holes— "then you'll be sorry! You will all rue the day you made an enemy of the Great and Powerful Antagonist!"
Author's Note
Special thanks to Cloudy Skies for helping me when I was sure this entire words thing was a huge mistake and was this close to burning down everything. And thanks to Present Perfect for helping me with comments on this twice, even after it took almost 4 years to address his first ones. You guys are both awesome.
