T&W1 - Cut
I sat in the darkest corner of the library I could find. I held a sharp knife in my magic, pointing it directly at my heart, which pounded slowly, like a prisoner in my ribcage. I felt the razor-like edge with a hoof, admiring just how sharp it was. I floated the knife around, placing the edge on my wrist, and dragging it across. A comfortable pain wriggled up from the fresh cut, allowing blood to flow from me, and drip down into the awaiting bottle. As I healed my wound, I picked up the nearby quill and dipped it into my red ink.
Thinking
To deny I've been thinking horrible thoughts would be a flat lie. To say that I haven't been dreaming sweet nightmares and terrible dreams would be falsehood.
I've been sitting here in the darkest corner I could find for close on an hour, and I've been doing some thinking. About where I am... About who I am... About what will {ponies} remember about me twenty years from now. The responses I came up with were less than pleasant. I've been doing some thinking, and as far as I know, I wouldn't be missed for long. As far as I know, I don't truly know anyone that would shed a tear. I used to say I prefer it that way... But do I?
I've been doing some thinking, this past hour and a half, and I've thought a lot about my armor. The fact remains that it's paper and ink, and it protects me about as much as the wind itself. What's to stop me from fighting myself and losing?
I've been in the dark for nigh on six hours, and I've been doing some thinking. What's stopping me from ending my worthless life? What is it that gives me pause before my knife meets my heart? The answer to that...
Even I don't remember.
A tear dropped from my cheek as I placed my favorite quill back in the ink bottle filled with my own blood. I had been crying the whole time writing the poem. I had been crying for six hours, and all I wanted was to stay in the dark and cut myself open again.
I was incredibly lonely. I had friends now, but I still felt it. I was the student of the Sun Goddess herself, and I still felt it. I was not alone, but I was always lonely. I hadn't cut myself since I became the princess' student, since life had been so much better. It was like having a parent that I actually could talk to. When I got upset, I could go to her and seek advice in the privacy of her chambers. But now...
Since I came to Ponyville, I'd started to feel that same childhood loneliness. Of course, I resisted the urge to cut for as long as I could. But when I saw my brother at his wedding... It reminded me of what I didn't have:
Love.
I shuddered to myself, curling up into a ball. I'm a cutter...
--
I wondered why I cried every day. Even though I full well knew why. I was never alone, but I always felt alone. I managed to smile every day as I took care of my animal friends. But really, I was just lying to them, showing them I was fine and happy when I really wasn't. I felt horrible every day because I'd look at a picture of my parents in the morning, reminding myself that they had disowned me. I wanted to hate them for it, but I couldn't blame them for not wanting their daughter to be a flightless fillyfooler.
I always felt horrible for being myself, so I tried to act normal around others. Sometimes, though, I caught myself ogling other mares. Every time I did, I'd cut my wings a little bit. For me, that was my escape. It was normal. It was better than dealing with my rampant emotions and depression.
I was looking at a picture of myself and Twilight at the Ponyville Fair. I held it gingerly in my wings like a newborn foal. I almost always stared at her in that picture, admiring her confident smile, her happy eyes, her unscarred body. I always thought she was incredibly beautiful. In the seven times I had thought about killing myself, I backed out because of her.
I put the picture back in its frame, setting it back down in my bedside drawer to hide it away again. I exchanged it for a long, sharp knife. I admired my handiwork in polishing it to the point of being almost a mirrored surface, and sharpening it to a needle's point. I carefully lifted my left wing in front of my face, holding the knife at the ready between my teeth. I gently brushed aside a few feathers, exposing a patch of skin.
Sweet, numbing pain travelled up my wing. I winced a little, but smiled afterwards, knowing that for now, I was emotionally numb. From my parents... From the world... From Twilight...
I cut myself again, whispering, "I wish I was like you, Twilight," to myself. I followed this routine every day, waking up, hurting, lying, cutting, and going back to my dreams. I cut every day because I ogled Twilight through the picture. I punished myself for being myself.
I'm a cutter.
--
It was nine in the morning, and I trotted through Ponyville with the greatest lie of my life painted on my face. I hid my scars beneath my feathers, and to everyone else, I looked fine, but I knew otherwise. But today, I actually had a half-truth to make the smile more believable.
I arrived at the spa, finding Rarity was already waiting at the entrance. I greeted her with a soft hello mumbled under my breath. She greeted me with a hug, and a proud 'Good morning' as she always did.
When we were finally left alone in the hot-tub room, I spoke up, "I'm a cutter."
She stumbled as she tried to step in gingerly, splashing into the heated water unceremoniously. I winced, hiding behind my mane as I always did. It had taken an entire year to finally say it, and I wasn't sure I could say it again, but I didn't care. I had to tell her.
"Whatever do you mean, darling?" she asked as she surfaced again.
"I'm a cutter... I cut myself. A lot," I muttered lowly, backing away. I could feel her gaze fixed upon me.
She hesitated a bit, no doubt selecting her words carefully. "Where?"
"My wings..." I replied, sitting down as I shrunk.
"May I see...?"
Silence filled the room. Without looking, I stepped closer towards the hot-tub. I extended my left wing towards her, allowing her hooves to move the feathers around and see the cuts. I heard her gasp multiple times, and mutter 'Dear Luna' under her breath. I huffed to myself at every dramatic reaction she gave.
"...why...?"
I had seen that one coming, but that didn't make it any less difficult to answer, "I am lonely..."
"That's it? If you just ask, I could easily find the perfect stal-"
"Mare."
She paused. "Huh?"
"I like mares. That's just half of it," I hissed irritably. "My parents disowned me for it. I still hate myself for it."
She shut her mouth, staring at me with wide eyes.
"My parents disowned me because I'm a fillyfooler, and I don't fly well. Every time I catch myself admiring another mare, I cut myself... I've been cutting daily for three weeks now..." I inhaled sharply, mentally preparing myself. "Because I've been admiring somepony..."
"Who? Maybe I can help you," she perked up, perhaps with a spark of hope that she could find me a relationship.
I remained silent for several minutes, mustering the courage I needed. "Twilight."
Her face hardened for a long while. She stared off into nothingness for what seemed like hours, calculating, hypothesizing. I admired her confidence.
"I can help you."
--
I heard a knock resound through the dark, still library at close to three in the afternoon. I was still in my dark corner, crying with no tears left. I held my knife sloppily in my hooves, the tip of the blade just one swift motion from my heart. I ignored the knock at the door. It wasn't important. Dying was.
It came again, interrupting me once again, startling me with how much louder it had gotten. I dropped the knife. I paused, glaring at the door to my room. I wanted to scream at the pony outside that dared interrupt me. After thirty seconds, I smiled, thinking the pony was gone.
The third knock was almost as quiet as a mouse's pawstep. I stared at my door, hearing the door to the library open. I heard my name being called by a familiar voice. But I didn't care. I picked my knife back up as the hoofsteps grew louder and closer. I felt tears return to my eyes as I heard the pony outside my room stop at my door. All they had to do was walk in, and the world would know I was a cutter.
"Um... Twilight... Are you in there...?" the softest voice I'd ever heard asked through my door.
I didn't reply. I knew it was Fluttershy, and I didn't want to burden her with my troubles.
"I... I kind of... need to talk to you... I don't know who else to turn to..." she whispered into the door. "I... I'm coming in..."
My heart froze in my chest. As much as I wanted to shove the knife into my chest, I couldn't. Something gave me pause just as I heard the knob turn.
In the dark of my room, Fluttershy stood, her wings bandaged heavily. Patches of red stained the otherwise pure white cloth that cocooned her wings. Her eyes allowed a single ray of light to expose a tear in her eyes. Her mane was disheveled, and sprawled every-which way. She looked around, but didn't see me in the dark corner.
"Twilight...?"
I stood up, gripping the knife in my teeth now. I stepped out of the darkness, earning a surprised gasp from the innocent pegasus. I giggled morbidly.
"Twilight... I-I... need your help..."
"W-what h-happened?" I asked, ignoring my own bleeding hooves.
"I'm a cutter..." she blurted, snapping her jaws shut afterwards.
I mulled it over in my head, trying to guess why. Of course, I didn't know too much about her, nor her background.
"I am too..." I mumbled without thinking. I turned away in shame. "Trade reasons?"
"I was disowned by my parents for being a fillyfooler..." she whispered, shrinking back.
For some reason, I wasn't surprised. But it did click in my mind how I'd seen her look at other mares.
"I'm lonely," I exchanged. "I don't have as good a reason, but it still hurts."
"I've been cutting because I've fallen in love with a mare, and every time I see her, I'm reminded of my parents, so I try to cut away the memories," she continued as though I hadn't spoken. "And now that I know that she's lonely like me..."
I held my breath. The gears in my mind started turning, recalling times and places I had only fuzzy memories of. I remembered catching her staring at me once in the park at a pet-play-date. I remembered her sitting right next to me in the anti-poison joke bath. I remembered all of the times she tried so hard to make me smile, and every time that she told me that I'd find somepony to love. She always said 'somepony', never specifying that somepony as a stallion.
"Maybe, we could... If you want to... Go out for tea sometime...? Unless you'd prefer something else..." she babbled nervously, her voice diminishing in volume as she continued. Or maybe my hearing was leaving me. It got blurry after that.
--
"TWILIGHT!" I shrieked.
There was blood. There was a lot of blood. Everywhere. It gushed from her chest, gurgling like a river past the knife stuck in her chest. She fell unconscious, and having fallen on her knife, she was now damn near dying if I didn't get her help. I felt panic set in as I remembered my wings were essentially useless. I inhaled sharply, filling my lungs in preparation for what only emergencies could summon of me:
"SOMEPONY HELP NOW!!!"
I felt my lungs begin hyperventilating as the adrenaline in my system started working its magic. I laid down in her blood, draping my right wing over her, not for her, but for me. I whispered comforting words into her ears, telling both of us that everything would be okay. I sniffled as my tears finally began streaming down my face, mixing with the pool of blood on the floor.
--
Author's Note
Edited to fix a typo.
T&W2 - Heal
Ohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygoshohmygosh!
I was in full blown panic, and my heart threatened to stop beating. Every breath was a sharper pain than any cut could heal. Tears flowed from my eyes like blood from my cuts. I felt dry sobs rack my body, sending shockwaves through the pool of blood beneath me.
"Don't you dare die on me, Twilight!" I choked out between teary heaves and sobs. "SOMEPONY HELP ME!!!"
Under most circumstances, I'd have flinched at the sound of breaking glass, but this time I was too focused on the mare bleeding out in my bandaged and useless wings.
"What ha–WHOA WHOA WHOA!!!" the welcome sound of Rainbow's unstable voice came. I looked over to see my prismatic friend shuffling away from us. She began shivering as she continued backwards, distancing herself from the ever-expanding lake of blood.
"Twilight. Hospital. NOW!" I growled and screamed. I felt my face contort in an emotional response to incomprehensible fear and dread that appeared as rage but wasn't. The tears streaming down my cheeks in white-hot torrents trickled to the lake of blood I was laying in.
"...b-but..." she choked. Her pupils shrunk as she stared at the blood under me.
"GO NNAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOOOWWWWW!!!!!!" I roared over her. The mere suggestion that she wouldn't help was enough for me to snap at her. I didn't care that she was trembling away, shrinking like I would. I didn't care if I was yelling at my longtime friend.
"I-I c-ca-an't-t-t...! Th-th-e b-b-b-b-blood!"
"SHE WILL DIE WITHOUT YOU!!!" my voice cracked hard under the strain of being so much louder than usual for more than a few phrases. I glared into her eyes, tiny as pinholes in pure hemophobic fear. "I swear upon Nightmare Moon's mane that if Twilight dies on your watch, so help me Faust I will RIP YOU APART!"
I stood up from the sanguine sea, and stepped towards Rainbow. My hooves and belly dripped with blood, leaving a trail on the ground as I approached my paralyzed friend. "I need you to help me, Rainbow!"
She curled up against the wall, shrinking away from my heavy approach. I reached out with my hoof, showing her just how real this nightmare was. I poked her shoulder, staining her sky-blue coat with hot, sticky, crimson liquid. That seemed to do the trick, as she screamed loudly and femininely enough to make Rarity proud before taking off, flying away with Twilight in her hooves at near rainboom speed. I collapsed back to the floor for a moment, my vision blurred around the edges, but clearer than normal in the middle. I breathed deeply a few times before getting up and dashing with every ounce of strength I had.
I was afraid. I was truly mortified. Not with petty fear of a creeping shadow, or an unexpected touch. Nay. I was fearing Death itself. I was terrified that Twilight had already lost too much blood. I thought about a transfusion. I wanted to be optimistic about it, but I honestly believed that she was close to death if not already dead before she reached the hospital. I felt my throat contract, cutting off my ability to breathe. But I forced the air into my lungs anyway, knowing I'd need every second I could spare if I was to have a chance to help Twilight.
Through Ponyville I ran, shoving ponies out of my way with bloody hooves. The whole while, I cried, leaving a trail of teardrops in the dirt streets. Ponies I passed muttered things under their breaths, I'm sure, but I was too busy having a panic attack. I tried to scream a warning to move, but my voice was broken now, so I made do shoving ponies like Cheerilee that could brush it off, and jumping over ponies like Granny Smith that couldn't.
I arrived at the hospital in maybe a minute. I looked pleadingly at the nurse behind the desk, who stared back in shock. I took one step towards her, leaving a bloody hoofprint on the bleached white tiles. She pointed to the left, cowering behind her desk. I dashed off to find Twilight.
When I turned a corner, I saw Rainbow curled up in a tight ball, rocking back and forth in terror. I shoved past her, barging into the room where Twilight was.
"You can't-"
"Oh-negative," I growled. "She's my marefriend, and I have Oh-negative blood."
"Nurse Redheart, prep her for transfusion," the doctor barked.
Within minutes, I was laying in the bed next to her, just three meters away from her, separated only by a machine. I felt a bit lightheaded as I was drained of blood, but I had to be strong. I glanced at Twilight, watching her unconscious body lie limply on the bed. Her bandaged chest rose and fell only by millimeters, emphasizing just how weakened she had gotten. I let loose the last tears I had, praying to the deities to watch over Twilight. With a deep breath, I steeled myself to protect her until she either woke, or slipped away.
--
I had gotten used to the unnaturally clean stench of the hospital. The buzzes and beeps were as normal to me as the tick-tocks of watches and clocks. I had gotten accustomed to laying on the hospital bed next to her so I could watch over her in the night. I didn't sleep a wink while I was there, choosing instead to keep watch over her and the machines that were helping her recover.
I stayed in that hospital for a week while she recovered. I wished for nothing more than for her to wake up, if only for a moment before she died so I could tell her how much I cared for her. I just wanted to tell her that I loved her. I just wanted to kiss her. I just wanted her.
A sudden extra beat was beeped out by the heart monitor. I glanced at it, wondering if I'd begun hallucinating from lack of sleep. After twenty seconds of nothing, I deflated again. But as soon as I did, I heard the monitor play a tone that I'd been told meant her heart rate had climbed above sixty beats-per-minute. I glared at the monitor, irked.
But it was right. Her heart rate had begun climbing back to the normal range. Sixty-three, sixty-five, climbing upwards slowly but steadily. I watched wide-eyed. Twilight was waking up.
She twitched adorably in her sleep, rubbing a bandaged hoof against the side of her muzzle. I smiled warmly, watching intently. The room went silent, the machines now satisfied that she was within normal parameters, my heart satisfied that Twilight was safe and healing. I stood up from my bed, now looming over her like a guard. I lowered my muzzle, and pecked her cheek. "It's time to wake up, Twilight..."
She mumbled a bit of gibberish in her sleep, and turned her muzzle further into her pillow. I giggled for the first time in ages, admiring all of the adorable things about her. Of course, I was still semi-ashamed of myself for loving her, and I felt incredibly guilty for shocking her like I had, but I was recovering little by little. I didn't cut myself anymore.
I smiled and poked her ear with a hoof, earning me a firm half-asleep slap on the hoof. "Wake up, sleepyhead."
"Five more minutes..." she groaned.
"You've already slept a week away, Twilight," I whispered directly into her ear, making it twitch.
"But 'Shy... I don't wanna get up!" she whined foalishly, making me giggle warmly.
"If you don't get up," I started with a smile, "I won't kiss you."
She turned her muzzle out of her pillow and looked up at me, "You're evil." She looked around, taking in her surroundings. She slowly dragged her eyes across the pale hospital room, her eyes widening as she did so.
"Why are we in the hospital?" she asked quietly. "Last I remember, we fell asleep in the library."
"That was a dream, Twi," I answered. "You've been out for a week. Doc says you were sleep-deprived, and your body shut down."
"That doesn't explain the blood on the IV," she countered, frowning at the IV drip. The pouch of blood in it was three-quarters full, and lethargically draining.
"That's my blood. You fell on your knife and lost a lot of blood, in addition to your cuts," I replied. I lifted myself up onto her bed and hugged her tightly but gently. "I was so scared!"
"'Shy... D-do you... y-you know... l-love me?" she choked out, almost too quietly to be heard. I could feel her heartbeat quicken in her chest. She held her breath.
I giggled foalishly, "I haven't slept since you got here because I was too scared to leave you. Of course I love you."
"But... Why me? What makes a suicidal cutter like me so special?" She looked down at the floor, turning away from me. Her eyes drooped a little bit, shame painting her face.
I turned her head to face me so I could look into her beautiful amethyst eyes. As a tear rolled down her cheek, I whispered,"Because you wore a better mask than me. I honestly believed that you were happy, and confident, and beautiful. Now that I know what I do, though..."
She grimaced as I paused. I smiled and kissed her nose.
"I want you to believe those things too," I finished with a smile, wiping her tear away. I pecked her lips for just a split second, making her eyes widen a bit. But as I felt the lingering warmth and softness of her lips, I felt a longing for just a little more. I gently kissed her again.
It was much warmer that time. They felt like warm, soft marshmallows, softly pressing against my own lips. My eyes melted halfway shut, only remaining open enough to judge Twilight's reaction. Her eyes slowly closed, and a light blush stained her pale cheeks. She weakly lifted a bandaged hoof to my chest, as though trying to feel my heartbeat. I smiled, breaking apart after about ten seconds.
We were on the road to recovery. Despite everything our lives had thrown at us, we survived. With our kiss, our burden was lifted from our hearts. There were warm feelings to ward off the pain. Slowly, with time and our new warm feelings, I knew we'd both heal from our hurt...
Together.
Author's Note
Okay. I'm going to make this perfectly clear. I am not a cutter. I have no idea how it feels, nor do I particularly want to. For my friends that I seem to have struck too closely to home, I apologize if this story has caused you any sort of discomfort or dredged up bad memories. You know who you are.
The spoken word poem 'Thinking' in the first half is mine, and I do have copyright claims on it.
I hope you ~~sadistic bastards~~ have enjoyed this story. Thank you for reading.
<3 DarqFox
