Equestria Girls 2: Fedora Men

by GAPFrieza

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Dark, Comedy
Length: 4110

A story that takes place after the events of Equestria Girls (though watching Equestria Girls isn't required to enjoy this) where Twilight visits the actual human world and is abducted by a brony stereotype.

Twilight is sent to the human world on a mission from Princess Celestia but upon arriving she is abducted by a fedora wearing neckbeard of a brony stereotype who wants nothing more than to cum inside her. She must find a way to escape the clutches of the stereotype and make it back to Equestria.

Please note that I am a brony and this isn't meant to represent the entire fanbase in any way, just stereotyping some small aspects for humour.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-26 09:32:05 UTC

Tasked Too Much

“Not again” Twilight mumbled under her breath, she had a rough idea of what Celestia wanted her for.

Being a princess wasn’t what she imagined, there was some fame and attention but it was all overshadowed by more sobering realization that she was just a glorified errand mare. Despite only doing errands of grave importance it caused Twilight to feel a little depressed, her whole life’s purpose to study magic and she proved herself at such a young age, there was little for her to learn and as a princess she had no ambitions or any position she wanted to strive to achieve, all she had left in her life was running errands that Celestia needed Twilight for and as very few opportunities came up it left Twilight feeling bored, even her friends were a little blasé and rarely had the time to talk to “Princess Sparkle”

These depressing thoughts ran through her head like a greyhound chasing a cat with no fatigue. All she wanted was a break from her duties as a princess however it seemed there was no escaping her “destiny”. Twilight slowly walked towards the room where Celestia asked to meet her, she took her time to ensure she had a few extra moments before assigned to another task for the princess.

“Pleased to see you Twilight, Equestria needs your help again.” though Twilight instantly sighed upon hearing Celestia greet her that way.

Despite the sigh Celestia still continued delivering her assignment, “your element of harmony was stolen and I believe it was taken into another world through a mirror portal.”

Once again Twilight sighed and mumbled under her breath about how this was an unoriginal idea, it only just took her to a high school a few days earlier and she was not looking forward to a repeat visit.

“However Twilight this isn’t the same world you visited earlier, we know nothing else of this world though.” Celestia continued.

Twilight just followed Celestia’s orders blindly, even following her into a room she never noticed with a mirror similar to what she used to travel to the high school earlier in this same week. It felt like an unoriginal idea for someone to steal the element again, Twilight didn’t even feel any motivation to complete Celestia’s errand besides it being something to liven up her dreary, mundane existence. She stepped into the mirror without any second thought, no goodbyes to her mentor, just a few simple steps into a world she wasn’t prepared for just for sake of change.

The Human Show

Twilight didn’t expect herself to find the trip through the mirror to give her this reaction again, it wasn't her first cross-dimensional trip yet it somehow still caused her legs to ache, all four of them. This suddenly caused Twilight to observe her new surroundings even more, last time she traveled she had 2 legs, however this time her physical body felt unchanged, albeit with no wings and without her precious horn. This eerie feeling of unfamiliarity was interrupted by the delightful yet somehow haunting laugh of a nearby voice, the childish laughing drew closer to her until it was revealed to be a rather large "man" wearing a shirt which showed Fluttershy's face, though it was heavily obscured by yellow dust and liquid stains.

The creature ran up to Twilight and with childlike glee he said "Oh my Celestia you're real, buck the haters lol. I'll look after you baby, I've loved you since you stood up to Nightmare Moon."

Twilight had trouble processing all of this new information though it cleared the obscurity; it felt like a weight had been lifted only to be replaced by a much heavier one which smelled of processed cheese.

"I appreciate the offer," Twilight was trying to sound polite in what was essentially a rejection "but I'm sure I'll find my own way around, plus I'm on a mission from Princess Celestia."

The man broke down into tears to only say "Implying you have a choice, shiggity diggity."

That was all Twilight listened to as the man grabbed her and put her to sleep telling her of his Spike X Rarity fan fic which he titled 'It's A Rarity To Drag On'.

Twilight awoke in a strange location, completely foreign to her, it reminded her of the dungeon in Canterlot castle but it was somehow more depressing and littered. The only source of light present in this room was the glow of a monitor with music Twilight was all too familiar with playing; Pinkie Pie singing her Giggle At The Ghosties song, despite the message of the song Twilight had nothing to giggle about, only the horror of waking up in a mysterious place after meeting the strange man earlier.

 “Best pony is awake”, the man from earlier spoke this from directly behind her, “I was just staring at your beautiful cutie mark”, Twilight shivered upon hearing this, she somehow longed for her mundane life in Equestria.

The man from before introduced himself, “You can call me Thunder Strike, it’s my OC’s name, I’m an alicorn myself just like you, though I have bat wings and my horn broke when I was defeating Discord after he broke free again.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me...” Twilight exclaimed though it fell on deaf ears.

The man continued to talk about their plans but Twilight was trying to think of ways to escape, the door at the top of the stairs was locked and without magic she figured she was unable to break through it.

Thunder Strike stepped forward and in the new light it was very evident that he was still wearing the same stained Fluttershy shirt, however this time he was wearing a fedora of some kind and had a cane in one of this hands, though it was clear he didn’t require it to walk.

“I know how much you love songs so I’ll show you my feelings via song, it’ll be bucking cool like you are.” He took one step backwards and played an instrumental song which didn’t follow his beat as he began to sing.

“When I was young I was teased,

Everyone treated me how they pleased.

I was hated and felt depressed,

Then you came, you know the rest.

I loved you for years and want you,

You plus me equals two.

You complete my life,

And you'll be my wife.

I need you like a janitor needs a mop,

Tonight I won't even need to clop.

So love me as I do you Twilight,

We'll be happy, you know I'm right.”

Twilight was repulsed by what the man had been saying, she knew she had to leave but waited for the right opportunity, however after a few minutes of spouting his crush on Twilight, he finally turned his back so he could tell his friends on Facebook about his new pony, even his Facebook layout was ponifed.

“I’ll have to change Ponyhoof to Twilight, I put it on The Great And Powerful Trixie lately, Twixie is my favourite ship, except for TwiDash, Molestia and Twilight and Twilight X Future Twilight.”

However as he turned his back from his computer to tell this to his new pony “friend”, she was already in the process of unlocking the door upon the top of the stairs.

“Where do you think you’re going? The fun is down here with me.” His voice changed to a very serious tone.

This only caused Twilight to try and open the door faster, however door handles and locks are hard to operate with hooves and no magic, it was like foreplay with a Nintendo 64 analog stick that had been overused and lost its self-centering.

However despite her best efforts Thunder Strike still grabbed her by the back hooves and made sure to properly restrain her, he somehow had a collar and leash in this room but there was no evidence of any pets. Twilight cried after realizing that her life as she knew it was essentially over, however this was only the start of what was to come.

Celest We Forget

Torment seemed to be the only word applicable to Twilight’s situation, nothing eased her, hours of being forced to listen to an overly grown child as he tried to play with her was as close to hell as she could imagine.

 “My 14th favourite scene with you in it was during Lesson Zero when you told Rainbow Dash to not destroy Applejack’s barn and you grabbed her and I thought you were going to kiss her, however my 15th favourite scene with you in it was during The Crystal Empire Part 2 when you told Rainbow Dash to keep the Crystal Faire going because it looked like you liked her and I thought they were going to put canon shipping in, that’d be bucking awesome.”

 The man never seemed to stop to think; every word flowed out of him in a constant run-on sentence like Michael J. Fox performing sign language. The list was bound to continue for an indefinite amount of time until Twilight thought of any way to interrupt, she asked for some more water as her bowl was as empty as Thunder Strike’s internet history, begrudgingly he agreed to fill the bowl but Twilight was still tied a wooden beam with her newly “adopted” leash.

“There has to be a way out of here” Twilight said to herself before realizing that actually saying your escape plan isn’t a smart idea.

She tried to move as far as she could however it was limited to a few steps in a rather small radius. She took this time to properly examine the room, it was without a doubt below ground and appeared to be basement of a much larger home, there was one small window but it was too small or high to use to her advantage. She honestly began to miss her old home, even the recent weeks of being a princess felt like paradise.

However before she could further investigate her surroundings the door was opened once again with the same man as before, this time with a fresh bowl of water, he even wrote  Best Pony above the name he previously erased.

“I hope you like water honey,” the pet names only caused Twilight to shiver in disgust, “because tonight you’ll be out of energy when I’m with you.”

Twilight’s mind was instantly filled with many words she was taught not to say, she had an idea of what this man wanted with her she knew she had to escape by then. Thunder Strike was about to rub Twilight’s flank again but was interrupted by the sound of his computer.

“My friends are on skype, they’ll be jealous when I show them you.” Thunder’s words caused Twilight to feel anxious as she knew that others like him must exist, this truly was a terrible world.

One of the new voices coming from the computer greeted everyone by saying “Hello my little ponies” and “brohoof”, their use of familiar words mixed with alien ones caused Twilight to feel as out of place as a charismatic, straight man in a brony meetup.

At the first opportunity Thunder showed off Twilight over his webcam and bragged about it to his friends who were talking about what they’d do with a live Twilight, though Twilight tuned them out when the word “cum’ was mentioned.

Twilight continued to investigate the room for ways of escape but it was impenetrable, however it didn’t deter her from trying to find an escape. Despite her best efforts the skype call finished and it left the two of them alone again. Twilight swallowed as she was aware of what was to come, Thunder responded with “You’re good at swallowing” and it was followed by a wink that may have looked suave if dandruff didn’t fall from his hair during. Twilight was placed on a filthy bed she presumed belonged to him and this was when Thunder took off his pants in preparation. This was truly rock bottom for her, all she could hope for was it would be quick and painless, though she knew better.

“I really do love you sweet heart, and if it helps just rem-” Thunder’s words were interrupted a middle aged woman who opened the door unexpectedly.

“Jeremy, what did I tell you about playing with your toys after bed time? Go to sleep.” this woman’s stern tone was enough to threaten Thunder Strike.

Twilight was just happy for a moment of peace from what she thought would be inevitable. Despite this Thunder Strike, or Jeremy as he was known here was arguing with the woman who turned out to be his mother. Jeremy was told to go to sleep or he wouldn’t be allowed to play with his toys for the rest of the week, this meant no Twilight which he knew couldn’t happen, begrudgingly he agreed to sleep, though he still cuddled Twilight during his rest.

 “Tomorrow is going to be a long day...” Twilight said this as she closed her eyes and readied herself for the next day of “fun”.

*insert chapter name never*

*insert chapter name never*

“Wake up senpai, it’s time for breakfast, I hope you love human food as much you love me.” Thunder’s voice interrupted, waking Twilight from her slumber and bringing her back to reality.

It was at this instant Twilight remembered the sweaty beast was cuddling her and refused to let go, he felt like the other ponies did when they were “leaving” a glue factory, his sticky presence was far from her mind though as the aroma of Mountain Dew Code Red seeped into her nostrils distracting her from any of her other senses.  However within a few minutes he stopped cuddling and tied Twilight to her post again to keep her from running away.”

“I made you my favourite meal, I like to call it Dr Pepper and Pringles.” His voice was barely understandable as he began to eat Twilight’s meal while delivering it to her.   “Where’s the food? These seem to be empty containers you have here.”  “The important thing is one of us was able to enjoy it, plus you can always taste it if you want, just kiss me.”

Thunder Strike had never seen a pony vomit until now but it was much less colourful than he anticipated. A silence followed much like every time Thunder Strike tried to speak to a girl, however this was shortly broken by his interjection.

“Looks like you’ll need to swallow next time.” His giggling persisted for an indefinite seeming time as he remembered to giggle like Pinkie would in this situation, though Pinkie probably didn’t support rape of her friends.

“My Little Pony, My Little Pony...” These words were soon burnt into Twilight’s memory as he sung this song for a few hours while grooming her until he was interrupted by a familiar voice; his mother (in her loudest voice) demanded help fixing the her computer. At least Twilight had a few more minutes to herself with fear of more Doritos ruining her once beautiful mane. She continued to survey her surroundings for a possible exit but nothing seemed achievable giving her new lack of wings and magic, however she tried break the unforgiving leash which kept her restricted as Kansas’ views of evolution. However the best she could achieve in the few minutes given to her was to loosen it, however it was a better result than she initially anticipated.

Twilight knew it was time to act natural as the basement door slammed shut Thunder Strike yelling at his mother “Buck you hater, at least I’m secure enough in my sexuality to love little girl’s shows, you’d love it too but you just don’t understand!” The latter portion of that sentence turned too high pitch to be properly understood, those unable to hear that are the fortunate ones.

Twilight just lowered her head as she knew that her chance to leave was over as quickly as a Firefly marathon.

“Hey honey bunch” Twilight cringed and began to throw up in her mouth upon hearing these words, “Do you want to watch me pwn some noobs.”  Twilight was not sure what any of those words meant but she figured it would be anything to stall what she feared would happen.

Thunder Strike began to introduce Twilight to something he referred to as “League”. Twilight didn’t understand what she was watching but she knew it was better than actually looking at him any longer. He introduced her to his friends, “This is Matthew Curtts, he is a really cool singer, my favourite song of his is called Cast A Spell On Meme, it’s all about Good Guy Greg as a pony falling in love with a unicorn. This other guy is called XJ9, he has a girlfriend, I’m so jealous.”

“Fuck you noobs you suck, you’re a hacker for killing me noobs.” “I bet your mum is a gen one fag lol” This was Twilight’s life for the following hours.

The hours of watching someone stare at a computer passed slowly and felt as painful as actually reading this chapter, however as the sun began to rise the following morning Twilight knew it was time to sleep, this was evidenced as her human companion passed out looking at furry porn with his pants arounds his ankles. She was disgusted by this but it saved her from spending the night with him, though her freedom was restricted as a leash attached her to his ankle.

Twilight continued to try and break free but it all seemed as pointless as an argument on the internet. Despite that she attempted to remove herself from her restraints and after much work she finally did. Twilight quietly tried to open the door but with not opposable thumbs it felt like amputee foreplay. However after a lot of hard work she proceeded out the door into more of the world she was unfamiliar with.

Safety Mares

Mixed feelings struck Twilight, she felt happy to be out of the prison that was once her home but this sense of satisfaction was mixed with sadness, this was a foreign land to her and she knew no way to return home; her prison was just replaced with a larger and potentially more dangerous one which left her wanting to cry.

Twilight wasn’t sure what the best course of action was, millions of ideas came to mind but like a scarecrow caught masturbating she was just clutching at straws.

 “Perhaps if I return to where I was transported to I will return home, but where is that? What of my quest to return whatever it was I was sent here for? Oh screw that, time to go home, it might not be perfect but... Well it’s slightly better than almost being raped.”  Twilight galloped off towards the newly rising sun, as if it was calling out to her. Being locked in a basement for days made Twilight forget the beauty of an outside world, let alone an alien one. The quiet suburban streets being illuminated by the light of early morning hours felt somehow breath taking, though the polluted air was literally breath taking to her, she had never experienced anything so disgusting. The mixture of beauty and revulsion felt like going on a date with a really pretty girl who only ever talked about Jersey Shore. It was at this instant that Twilight realised something, she was a purple pony in a world of 6’ bipedal “things” that had strange complexions and seemingly little hair. As Twilight moved closer towards what appeared to be a bustling city centre and as more time proceeded to cause more people to wake up, this realisation became all the more obvious. It left Twilight frozen in place as she truly thought of her circumstances and her feeling of alienation from all things familiar to her.

“What is there left in my life? I have nothing, I’m sad either way. Miserable in my dream job.” That confession made her giggle more than she expected it to, though it was more of a depressed laughter at the irony of that phrase instead of legitimate happiness.

Twilight’s monologue was interrupted when a bedraggled man bumped into her, this “gentleman” just greeted her with “Fuck off fag” before continuing down the rather busy street. She didn’t know how to feel, that last person was a lot nicer than the only other person she really interacted with and the increasing number of strangers all seem to be fixated on devices in their hands that remove all sense of an outside world. Twilight somehow felt completely isolated while simultaneously being engulfed by people. This is what an orgy must feel like if you have really bad acne. Despite feeling alone Twilight took comfort in the fact that nobody would notice her or want to kidnap her in the same fashion as previously.

However this feeling of being unnoticed was as short lived as a white guy in Harlem; it seems someone equally as “interesting” as Thunder Strike picked her up and admired her flank.

“You’re coming home with me” the stranger cheerily said, giggling at the word “coming” under his repugnant breath. “Now I’ve got to hide you from other pedestrians.” This only helped to confuse Twilight further, to her a pedestrian is a pedophile in Equestria.

Twilight was too worn out to put up much of a fight, her muscles had already begun to weaken as had her mental state, days of being locked up, tied to something and fed close to nothing did that to her. It was like being forced to read a fan fic, it left her feeling drained and essentially brain dead. As the stranger cradled her to where she presumed was his home, many thoughts of Canterlot life ran through her head; she missed the days of boredom more than she expected, fighting Discord and Sombra was like a walk through the park in comparison to this. She considered that without her magic and newly acquired flight she was as useless and boring as Applejack, but then she learnt the truth, that alone she was useless.

“Friendship IS magic...” Twilight faintly said, emphasizing the word ‘is’ as if people were listening. She felt proud of herself for realising an important lesson, all that time alone in Canterlot as a princess left her feeling lonely and cynical, she never spoke to her friends and arriving here without any abilities to a foreign world constantly overpowering her was almost like a metaphor for getting by without friends. For once Twilight was happy, she learnt a lesson and it felt like how things were in Ponyville, she had no idea what her future with this stranger would entail but none of that seemed to matter, Twilight closed her eyes and smiled for the first time in many days.

Upon opening her eyes Twilight noticed her surroundings had changed to a more familiar one, she was in Canterlot Castle surrounded by her friends. Twilight’s smile only became bigger as she was finally out of the hellhole she had to visit.

“Oh my Celestia, Celestia you helped me.” Twilight didn’t seem to care that her sentence was poorly constructed, all that mattered to her was arriving home. “Thank you so much for bringing me back, I owe you.” Her voice turned from one of thanks to one of pleading. “How did you bring me back?” Twilight continued without giving Celestia anytime to process.

This was all followed by a rather short silence which to Twilight felt like an eternity, all she wanted was answers or to be noticed at the very least, the room just felt silent, if not for the birds flying by a window time would have felt completely frozen.

“Well” Celestia’s voice echoed in the silent room, creating a dramatic atmosphere, Twilight eagerly listened as Celestia’s answer was on its way to finally explaining her rescue.

Celestia’s voice boomed in the echoing room, “Well” she repeated as she tried to form the right words vocalise.

“It’s just that you were being a depressing bitch so I knew you needed a lesson, figured this would work and it clearly did. You’re welcome.”

This answer just left Twilight feeling dumbfounded, she felt more or less dead inside knowing that this was planned and she was a victim but she just put on a happy face to hide the fact she was emotionally dead, after all; a happy smile would keep her from learning another lesson like this.