Team Jenkins: The Heatathon

by Paddle Steamer

Rating: teen
Tags: Random, Human, Comedy
Length: 3575

It's just a usual day in Canterlot for some friends... that is until they realise Jenkins signed them up for a competition without reading the rules...

Readers… have mercy on me! I got dragged into this without realising what I was getting into thanks to some friends of mine. Damn… I really need new friends.

A mentally unstable, trigger happy Brit, an insane American with a death wish, and a pony Timelord get themselves into a mountain of trouble on the mountainside city of Canterlot. What happens when three friends get signed up for the most horrifically thought out races in Equestria? Well I really don't know… mares in heat can be a force to reckon with; but then again: so can guns.

So will our men/stallions survive two weeks in Canterlot during the "heat" or will they succumb to the passion of the mares? Or will James (The Brit) cause the biggest bloodbath in Equestrian history? Hopefully he won't… but for some reason he always manages to have a gun on him… although his American friend Leeroy just might be able to screw them over. After all; he's infamous for it.

I do not own anything My Little Pony related in this story, other than the story itself.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-07 23:58:37 UTC

Prologue

Canterlot

27, June 1003

12:04PM

James sat quietly in the dimly lit room of Octavia's apartment, his disassembled L85A2 spread out on the table in front of him. One by one he took the pieces and cleaned them off with a solvent before wiping them and coating them in a fresh layer of oil. He took pride in his rifle; it had gotten him out of more situations than he could remember, in some ways he could thank that rifle for his arrival in Equestria.

Afghanistan

23, May 2014

7:34PM

Sergeant James Patterson was taking heavy fire, the rest of his squad dead and the enemy gaining ground rapidly he had little hope. He loaded a fresh mag into his rifle and took careful aim; everything being lit up in a dim green glow through his SUSAT sight. A crack, followed by a hostile crumpling to the ground, then another and another; one shot at a time hostiles fell; James made sure to make his 30 rounds count.

He heard a dull thud and looked down to see a grenade roll up to his boot, wasting no time he leapt back with a muttered curse; only to be enveloped by a strange light. He landed with a hard thud on damp soil, the sound of twigs snapping under his weight reached his ears. 'Wait... twigs? I was in a city!' He quickly sat up holding his rifle; he just sat there staring at his surroundings. James couldn't make heads or tails of what he was seeing, it was a forest sure; but how did he get into a forest?

He got up slowly, rifle sweeping across the treeline, the SUSAT giving off a dim glow against his face. He heard a branch snap behind him and turned around with lightning reflexes, only to be greeted by the sight of a rifle barrel. He followed it up to the man holding it; a U.S. Marine, James looked at his name patch: Corporal L. Jenkins. "Whoa easy there mate, we're on the same side remember?"

The Marine lowered his rifle before cocking an eyebrow at the Brit, who mimicked the gesture. "So... what's your story, how'd you get here?" James asked waving a hand at the forest. "And furthermore, do you know where "here" is?"

The Marine shrugged and promptly stated his name, rank, assigned unit, and story. "Corporal Leeroy Jenkins, 24th Marine Expeditionary Unit, 1st Battalion 2nd Marines. The last thing I can remember was being thrown out of a helicopter when we were hit by an RPG. After that there was a strange light, then boom, here I am safe and sound in a forest. You?" Jenkins' brows furrowed in confusion as he tried to understand what had happened to himself.

James pondered what he said for a second, but there was one question he had to ask. "So, Leroy is it? That wouldn't happen to be spelled with two e's would it?" He asked with the smallest of smiles working its way onto his face.

Jenkins for the most part just gave him a blank stare before responding. "Yes, it is. And before you ask; yes I have done the yell, and I can mimic the original quite closely. Yes, go ahead and laugh; you wouldn't be the first." He deadpanned.

James for the most part managed to remain in control; although his smile did grow in size. He gave the Marine a nod and proceeded to recap the incidents leading up the unexplained light and him being thrown into the forest. "... and then I turned around to greet your rifle. Whatever that phenomenon was; it seems we owe our survival to it." He noticed the forest growing darker, and decided he'd rather not be in it at night. "We should get moving, we have less than an hour's worth of light and this path has to lead somewhere." He gestured down the narrow dirt path.

The two soldiers walked down the quiet path, constantly watching the forest for anything looking for a fight. While they both had the feeling of being watched and occasionally heard a twig snap; after about 15 minutes of walking the forest began to clear. Beyond them was a large field with smooth sloping hills leading to what appeared to be a very small town. The two men glanced at each other and then back to the town; it was primitive, even from this distance the thatched roofs stood out very clearly. This coupled with the lack of radio chatter led to some rash theories being brought up...

"We've gone back in time! How could we have travelled back in time!?" Jenkins said; the panic clear in his voice.

"We didn't go back in time Jenkins." James deadpanned.

"What makes you so sure? That town looks like something I've seen in medieval movies, and where's the radio traffic?" Jenkins shot back.

"Time travel isn't possible, have some sense Corporal. I've seen some modern houses back in England that have thatched roofs, although those seem to be actual..." James trailed off; something catching his eye. He pulled out his binoculars and looked closely at the town; his brows furrowed in confusion before he spoke. "Jenkins, tell me; what do you make of that?"

He handed over his binoculars and directed the Marine's vision to a street in the town. It took him a bit before he noticed movement and his mouth hung slightly agape at the sight before him. There on the street a cream coloured horse with a red and pink mane and overly large eyes trotted down the street carrying a basket of roses. "...What?" Jenkins deadpanned.

He handed the binoculars back to James before pulling out his own and scanning the town. They both spotted more horses, and... "That's not possible." James muttered looking at what could only be called a Pegasus.

"You're right Sergeant. We didn't go back in time; we went to another fucking planet! This is just great, how can this-" Jenkins was cut-off but James.

"Don't finish that sentence. Well I'm open for suggestions here, because my training never covered this, did yours?" James said with a sideways glance to Jenkins.

"Nope." He deadpanned.

With a sigh James began to think of a plan. "As much as I rather leave this to some politician; we don't have that luxury. So we should try to open relations with the... locals, because we may be here for a long time and they could be our only chance to get supplies. I'd rather not have to tough it out in the forest for the rest of my life... so... agreed?"

Jenkins contemplated their rather limited options before nodding. "Agreed."

"With that settled we should try to come off as least threatening as possible, well as least threatening two armed soldiers in full combat gear can be." James stated and they began to march down to the town.

"We're so screwed." Jenkins muttered to himself with a grimace.

As the men neared the town they realised the unearthly quiet and noticed that not only had the equines vacated the streets, but some of the houses appeared to be recently boarded up. "Some welcoming committee..." James said glancing at the empty streets.

"Well can you blame them? We are aliens after all." Jenkins stated while looking for any sign of life.

"No, I guess I really can't. But still... I'm surprised there isn't that 'one' person who isn't afraid to do something, every town has one of those." James said walking through what appeared to be a market.

"Hey, over here ugly!" Came a shout from James' right and he instinctively sidestepped out of the way, just as a cyan Pegasus streaked by where he was previously standing. The Pegasus crashed into one of the nearby flower carts; burying itself in daffodils. James cocked and eyebrow while Jenkins chuckled before he walked over to the downed equine.

"Word of the wise ma'am: don't shout. Now do you care to try this again?" James said calmly, holding a hand out to help the equine up. She batted it away and got up on her own.

"I don't need your help, and who do you think you are coming into Ponyville and threatening everypony huh? You big ugly monsters!" She made ready to attack again before both gave her a reality checking deadpan.

"You can't be serious." They chorused.

"I'm sorry ma'am; but monsters, threatening everyone? We haven't done anything since we got here other than look around, which last time I checked wasn't very threatening. And monsters? What kind of monsters wear military uniforms, or clothes in general for that matter?" James replied, calm and completely serious.

"Well... um... you!" The Pegasus sputtered out. James just cocked a brow at her, which she caught. "Uh... I guess you have a point." She just glanced at the ground.

Jenkins tapped James' shoulder and pointed a thumb at five other equines, which now that he thought about; their size would make them ponies not horses. The expression on the ponies' faces however led them both to adopting the "well, shit" face.

"Who do you think y'all are hurtin' our friend like that?" The one in a Stetson replied in a shockingly Southern accent.

She wasn't serious was she? Yep; she was. James groaned before explaining calmly to them the situation. "First; I didn't do anything to your friend, I just stepped out of her way and she flew into the cart. Second; we aren't monsters, we aren't threats; all we did was come here to open relations with you, but that seems to be a lost cause. Third; with all due respect ma'am, if this is how you treat all your guests I'd hate to see your PR ratings."

The five ponies gave the two soldiers angry glares while they tried to find a flaw in their statement; finding none the one in the Stetson looked to the ground and mumbled an apology. After a while of awkward silence a lavender Unicorn took a step forward and introduced herself.

"My name is Twilight Sparkle, I apologise for our behaviour; we shouldn't have jumped to conclusions like we did." Jenkins muttered something under his breath that Twilight didn't notice. "These are my friends; Applejack, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash." The ponies in question nodded as their names were called, except for Fluttershy; who whimpered and backed behind Pinkie.

James and Jenkins glanced at each other; silently coming to agreement to be show-offs. They both stood at attention and gave a crisp salute.

"Sergeant James Patterson; 1st Battalion, The Royal Regiment of Fusiliers, Queen's Division, British Army; at your service." Edwin said with a pride.

"Corporal Leeroy Jenkins; United States Marine Corps, 24th Marine Expeditionary Unit, 1st Battalion 2nd Marines." Jenkins said with equal amounts of pride.

Canterlot

27, June 1003

12:09PM

That was a little over a month ago, and things didn't go very smoothly shortly after. On their way to Twilight's library James realised that the ponies were speaking English, he didn't know why he hadn't realised it earlier but he guessed his mind was a little busy. Although when the ponies said it was Equestrian, well; Jenkins and Rainbow argued the whole way there over English or Equestrian. Needless to say James had developed a rather large headache and finally decided to "gently" explain that they're apparently the same language.

His word choice seemed to shock the ponies, seems they don't curse much. Then the reveal of magic, that went over quite well; with James stating it as impossible and still denying it to this day. He simply stated that if he had a team of scientist and modern equipment that he'd be able to find out what "magic" really is. That led to a large argument between him and Twilight while Jenkins just snickered and the others watched with interest. Once they had calmed down and Twilight realised that there was no magic where the soldiers came from... well... 20 questions per second became the new normal.

The next day things went really badly. Twilight managed to base all of humanity on very little information and her conclusions were insulting, to say the least. James and Jenkins had to use all their willpower to not shoot the Unicorn; needless to say they didn't stay in Ponyville very long. Even with Twilight's near constant apologies they were pissed, they took the first train to the first place listed in the routes. Rarity was willing to pay for their tickets when she realised they weren't changing their minds, and they still didn't. A month later and James still hasn't forgiven that Unicorn, in fact he was sure he'd punch her in the muzzle if he had the chance.

James returned his attention to his rifle, deciding not to dwell in the past for too long. He began to reassemble the weapon, but he was interrupted halfway through by Jenkins bursting through the door, unnervingly excited.

"Guess what? I just signed us up for a race with a cash prize of 10,000 bits! We totally got this." He said holding out a piece of paper and beaming at James.

"What do you mean 'us'?" James replied, already dreading the answer.

"Well it was team based; groups of three, so I signed you and Time Turner up." He stated simply, seemingly not realising what he did wrong.

James pinched the bridge of his nose and sighed. "Can I see that?" He asked referring to the paper Jenkins was holding.

Jenkins handed the form over to James; who began to read aloud.

The Heatathon. Two week team based endurance race for the grand cash prize of 10,000 bits! Participants must be in good physical shape, male and have high stamina.

It's that time of year again; mares in heat and stallions hard to come by. The Heatathon pits stallion against mare in a race to keep from getting intimate with the competition...

James had stopped reading aloud and quickly read the remainder of the form, utter horror plastered upon his face. When he reached the bottom his heart skipped a beat.

Applicants who have been approved to compete cannot void their application and must compete in the race.

James glanced from the form to Jenkins multiple times before his gaze rested on Jenkins. In a calm and simple tone he asked him a single question. "Jenkins, pray tell, did you happen to read past the first line?"

Jenkins shook his head before answering. "No, why?"

James just stared at him for a moment, trying not to let his anger control him; but it was a futile attempt.

"JENKINS!!!!!!"

Jenkins; you ruin everything

Canterlot

27, June 1003

12:15PM

Jenkins recoiled at the outburst and quickly read the whole form after James threw it at him. His eyes grew wide once he fully comprehended the situation he got himself in. He was suddenly very thankful James had his rifle disassembled.

Octavia galloped through the bedroom door, a look of worry on her face. "What's happening, why were you yelling?" She asked with concern.

James grabbed the form from Jenkins and shoved it into her hooves. "Jenkins is happening." He fumed.

Octavia looked at the form, her eyes growing wide before a massive blush lit her cheeks a cherry red. She looked at the two men and back to the paper, she didn't know what to say or even think right now. "Y... you... signed up for the... heatathon..." She whispered barely audible.

"Not willingly." James shot another hostile glare towards Jenkins.

"Well I'm sorry, I didn't know; give me a break gees." Jenkins replied throwing his hands into the air and shaking his head.

"Give. You. A. Break? Jenkins I will put this very simply for you. YOU DESERVE TO BE SHOT RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW OUT OF SHEER STUPIDITY!"  James shouted, entering the Royal Capslock Voice and grabbing his rifle. He pulled the trigger twice only to be met with no sound, not even a click; the gun was still in half a dozen pieces. "Fuck my life."

Octavia watched in shock when she realised what had exactly transpired, she couldn't believe it, but it seemed Jenkins didn't read the whole application. She looked back at the two of them, they were her friends how could she do it to them? Her mind was already thinking very unladylike thoughts and she tried to push them away, another large blush creeping across her face. They still had a couple days until the event started; maybe they could get out of it? After all, the rules hadn't been written with humans in mind.

She sighed, she was already entering heat and a part of her didn't want to have them void the race, but that part was very small and she quickly quashed it. They would go to the race management as soon as they could and try to get out, they had to. She knew very well that this could, no will, cause resentment from James; he may even hate her if they continue through this race and she couldn't control herself.

As Octavia was deep in thought James was going at Jenkins full force. He grabbed a small decorative staff he found leaning against the wall and was proceeding to crack it upon Jenkins' thick skull. "You stupid bloody fool! Do you realise what you've done!? Who signs himself and his friends into a competition without even reading the goddamned application!? I'm going to beat the living hell out of you, you stupid bloody yank!" Each pause James took another swing at Jenkins, the occasional loud crack was heard as it impacted the Marine's helmet.

"Agh, would you stop it you crazy son-of-a-bitch! That hurts!" Jenkins yelled back, trying to grab the staff from James.

"IT'S SUPPOSE TO HURT YOU STUPID YANK!" James snapped back, going to take another swing when Jenkins finally grabbed the staff and the two fought for control of the pretty stick.

Octavia had finally tuned herself back into the incident currently unfolding in front of her and gasped. "Stop it you two!" She said as she tried to take the staff away from them.

"Never!" James replied defiantly.

"I can't or he'll start hitting me again with that stupid stick!" Jenkins shot back.

Octavia just face hoofed, she knew how to stop James. She trotted over and picked up the frame of his rifle and trotted over to the open fifth floor window. Holding the frame with one hoof against her chest she proceeded to get James' attention. "Oh James, I have something of yours." She said before taking the weapon part and holding it over the ledge in her mouth.

James stopped suddenly and Jenkins fell forward onto his face at the sudden lack of resistance. "Don't you dare." James said while staring daggers into Octavia.

Octavia leaned out father over the ledge. "Zenf quith fifhing." She tried to speak around the weapon frame.

"But, he's an idiot and deserves it." James whined.

Octavia lowered her head to make it seem like she was going to drop the part.

"Okay, okay. I'll stop fighting him." James said before adding an "for now" under his breath. Octavia smiled and got off the ledge before placing the frame back on the table. "Aw you slimed the thing." James protested.

Octavia merely huffed and glared at him. "This is my apartment and I will not have you two fighting each other in it, understood?"

James took another hostile glance at Jenkins before he nodded. "Fine, I'll just wait until we leave the apartment."

Octavia just groaned and shot them both a death glare.

James just shrugged. "Well I'm sorry. I really rather not have to do anything intimate with an equine, and he makes a great punching bag."

"Yeah whatever, that's why I kicked your ass last week." Jenkins cockily shot back.

"Piss off you bloody wanker." James said while trying to push Jenkins out the door.

"Oh would you two grow up!" Octavia growled at both of them.

"Hmm... Nope!" They both chorused.

"You two are impossible." She said with a sigh, any "desires" she may of had completely forgotten. "Come with me, we're going to see if we can't get you out of the race."

"I'm in full support of that proposition." James replied.

"Me too." Jenkins said with a nod.

With that said the soldiers and mare trotted out into the city streets with high hopes, although they were more than likely misplaced hopes. They had entered the building half an hour ago, after twenty minutes of heated arguing they got nowhere, unless being thrown out of the building counts as getting somewhere...

"Piss." James deadpanned as they were escorted back out onto the streets. "Are you sure I can't kill Jenkins?" He asked Octavia.

"You already know the answer to that." She replied, before her eyes widened in realisation. "The answer is no." The smile on James' face disappeared and he re-sheathed his combat knife while muttering something.

"Hey wait a minute. We forgot to tell Time Turner that I entered him in the race too!" Jenkins statement was met with snide remarks from James.

"Oh yeah, I bet he'll take the news wonderfully. It'll be the happiest day in his life I'd wager." James said with heavy malice and sarcasm.