Derpy Go Home. You're Drunk

by Icudeadnow

Rating: teen
Tags: Pinkie Pie, Sex, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Dinky Hooves, Random, Derpy Hooves
Length: 3816

A night out turns into a night that Derpy will probably not remember. It might be for the best though....

(*WARNING* has the use of alcoholic beverages. If you do not like these types of stories then stay away. You have been adequately warned. Also, no butter was harmed in the making of this fic. Brain cells are a completely different matter.)

Derpy decided to go out and meet some other ponies at the local bar, hoping to get new friends. Things get pretty wild and unpredictable when Derpy has a little too much to drink. In short, hilarity shall ensue in astronomical proportions.

(This is my first real comedy and I don't know if I actually did good with this one. Just a spur of the moment fic, nothing really special here. Besides derp. Derp is always special. Also, pay no heed to the sex tag in teen. Just a small non-graphic scene that doesn't last long and some adult references. Nothing truly harmful)

Published 2013-06-29 03:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-06-29 03:20:02 UTC

Oh Derpy... Why? *Facehoof*

Oh Derpy... Why? *Facehoof*

Today was a beautiful day! The sun was shining, the birds were tweeting, and the ponies were up and about. Now all Derpy needed to do was get out of bed without tumbling onto the floor, which she always seemed to do. She was determined to beat the blanket menace that hindered her progress to her departure from the bed.

"Blanket, my old foe! I smite thee! Or something along those lines..." Derpy said, her right eye's gaze drifting off, away from her left eye. She was oblivious to this as always though. She slowly got up, being careful, hoping her luck so far would hold. Her carefulness was forgotten when she smelled the muffins cooking downstairs. She tried to fly out of bed but the blankets tangled her wings and made her crash into the wooden floor.

"OOF!" Derpy exclaimed in suprise. She looked up to find Dinky in the doorway, stiffling a giggle. Derpy just blushed and got up, leaving the blanket on the floor.

"Uhhh... you okay there mom?" Dinky said, raising an eyebrow.

"Yeppers! Just testing the strength of my wings!" Derpy said, hoping her daughter wouldn't catch on. Dinky just gave her that kind of look that said how-in-the-wide-world-of-Equestria-do-you-still-have-a-job? And Derpy just gave Dinky that look that said derp. The grown mare looked at the blueberry muffins on the plate that Dinky was holding. Her mouth watered at the prospect of having yet another muffin breakftast just like every single morning ever since she was five years old.

"Ummm... those muffins for me or...?" Derpy slowly asked, earning a facehoof from her daughter.

"You really shouldn't hit flies on your face. it could hurt you." Derpy warned her daughter who sighed and silently shook her head. Derpy adopted a sad face and looked at the ground, shuffling her front hooves.

"They aren't for me...?" Derpy asked, with her usual cross-eyed stare. Dinky just looked at her mother with a look of defeat.

"Yeah... they're yours. Wouldn't come up here with them if they weren't." Dinky said. Derpy's eyes lit up and she ran over to the muffins on the plate and took one in her jaws. Dinky picked the plate up off of the floor, which she put down there so she could talk coherently.

"Fwha do you wantsh to do tohay?" Derpy asked with a mouth full of muffin, which resulted in a giggle from Dinky.

"I was thinking you should go out and meet new friends. I'm doing just that this afternoon." Dinky suggested with a smile. Derpy looked at her daughter like she had said something only a small foal would say but was still cute.

"Silly, I have to deliver mail today!" Derpy reminded her daugher.

"It's Sunday... no mail." Dinky said, seemingly straining to keep her patience. Derpy formed an 'o' shape with her mouth and looked off to the side in deep thought. Or most likely, in deep derp.

"I think you're right. I should go out meet new friends!" Derpy came to a conclusion. Dinky smiled and walked off down the hall, leaving her mother to get ready for the long day ahead of them.

Dinky called out to her mother, "Oh and... when you do meet somepony new. Try not to ask them to rub you with butter." But Derpy did not hear her because she was in deep concentration getting ready for the day and its endless possiblities. Or endless disaster.

* * * * *

The grey mare trotted down the street humming some type of tune. She had been in deep thought of where she should go to make these new friends. She could always hang out at a street corner. Those nice stallions always stopped their carriage next to her and asked 'how much', which she never really got why that asked that. These kinds of things usually played out like this.

Derpy would be standing at a street corner and they would ask that weird question 'how much' and she would reply with, "What do you mean mister?"

They would usually say, "You puttin' out right?"

Derpy would just giggle at this and say, "No, I don't have pudding silly!." They would usually just go and she would resume her fantasies of having her body rubbed with butter. It wasn't sexual in nature, she just liked the way the butter felt on her, which was not weird in the slightest.

She decided against that because of the those two trouble-making fillies who liked to throw rocks at her when she wasn't looking. She would yell but they didn't stop until she left or if some other pony spotted them doing it. Yeah... better to avoid that. Derpy was in deep thought when it occured to her that going to the bar would always guarantee friends. Time to go bar hopping! She made a left turn down the street to the bar getting awkward stares from everypony around her. She entered the building and took in her surroundings. There were two pool tables in the middle of the floor and it was surrounded by tables and booths. At the back of the establishment there was the bartender behind the counter. She made her way to a stool and sat next to a stallion who looked at her with a grin. The music was blaring and there was laughter all around her.

"Hey... what's a pretty mare like you doing in a place like this?" The stallion asked, who had turned himself her direction. She looked him up and down. He had to be about as big as Big Macintosh.

"Ummm... just trying to meet new friends!" Derpy replied, unbeknowest that she was being flirted with. The stallion chuckled and offered her a warm smile.

"How bout' I get you a drink? I'll pay!" The stallion said, who had diverted all of his attention on her. Derpy smiled at this and nodded her head.

"Sure, why not? I'll have whatever." Derpy said, her eye drifitng off yet again. The stallion knew who she was and about her certain mental problems so he knew what to expect. He ordered her some type of liquor, which she thought looked like applejuice. He gave it to her with a big, impatient smile.

"Mmmm... looks yummy!" Derpy said and took a drink. It was sweet but it... was very bitter and left a burning sensation in her throat. Despite this she happened to quite like this mystery drink.

"What is this? It's actually not that bad!" Derpy asked with wide, wondering eyes.

"I'll tell you later. But right now you need more of that in you! And other things..." The stallion said, with a grin. She didn't know what the other things could be but she just let it go and graciously accepeted another special drink from him after finishing the first one. After finishing the second one, she felt quite strange. She was always happy but she felt realy weird right now. She wanted more. She had to have more. After the third drink she felt really dizzy and unusually full of giggles, even for her.

"I f-feel funny... you look funny..." Derpy mumbled in between giggles. The stallion ordered another drink for her and she accepted yet again, loving every moment. Going to the bar was the best decision ever.

"I do huh? I think another drink could fix that..." The stallion said with a big grin plastered upon his face. Tonight was going to be the wildest night of Derpy's life. She just didn't know it yet.

* * * * *

*Two hours later*

"I lovez.. you *hic guysh..." Derpy slurred her words. About five other stallions and three mares had joined in the fun and were buying her drinks left and right. She felt so weird but she loved it just as much as she loved being rubbed with butter.

"You... you're my... *hic* best friend Derpy..." The original stallion said and fell off of his stool, getting drunken laughter all around the bar.

"You should sing Derpy... you look like a singer..." A drunk mare said. This got the other drunks to chant Derpy's name. The grey mare blushed and got up on top of the bar counter.

"Thish... thish is a song dedicated to MUFFINS. And butter... I like butter." Derpy said, emphazing the word muffins a little too much.

Derpy sang, "I like muffnsh with butter! They make me happy! I like to be rubbed with butter! I feel so happy right now...This is a song dedicated to muffins! I also like the special drinksh you guys gave MEEE!! The end!"

The bar erupted in a bunch of cheering drunks and the ones that weren't drunk left. In truth her singing was quite terrible but to a bar full of drunk ponies it was the best they had ever heard. Derpy and the drunks laughed together.

"I set out to get new friendsh... and I got the best I could ever ask for!" Derpy said on the verge of tears. She cried silently into her hooves while ponies tried to calm her down.

"We love you too Derpy! Don't letsh any other *hic* pony tell you otherwish..." A random, drunken mare said while patting her shoulder. The other drunks agreed in unison even though she barely heard any of them due to the loud music.

"I'd rub you with butter anytime Derpy!" A stallion said with the biggest, hopeful grin Derpy had ever seen. Derpy just cried even more and the drunks just tried to calm her down. She eventually stopped and started making stupid jokes with them again. Derpy said goodbye to her new friends and she left the bar, stumbling in every direction. It was still daylight out and the sun hurt her eyes. Ponies around her stared at her with shocked expressions. She didn't pay them any attention though. She spotted three fillies walking along the street and she slowly stumbled over to them.

"HEY! Applebloom... Shweetie Bell... Scootaloo...!" Derpy called out to them. They lookd her way curiously and obviously didn't expect something like this to happen.

"Derpy? Are you alright?" Scootaloo asked with concern at Derpy's strange behaviour. Derpy laughed for no reason and vomitted onto the ground causing the fillies to scramble back in shock. Sweetie Belle hid behind her friends, worrying that some of the vomit would get on her.

"Derpy?! Are ya sick or somethin'?! We need ta' get ya to the hospital!" Applebloom said with wide eyes. Derpy told the fillies to come closer to them, which they hesitantly did.

"I want YOU... to do me a favor." Derpy whispered to them. The poor fillies looked more confused than they had ever been before.

"Ummm... sure, why not? I mean, that's what friends are for." Sweetie reluctantly replied, scared of what this favor could possibly be. Derpy leaned in and the fillies were getting interested, despite the disgusting puddle off to the side.

"I want you three to... *hic*... to... come with me" Derpy slurred, her tone of voice creeping the small fillies out. They trusted her though no matter how strange she was acting. She probably needed help and helping their friend, especially a friend in such great need, was top priority.

"Well... sure I guess, I mean friends help friends...." Scootaloo said, uncomfortability at new heights. And here they were hoping for a quiet day. Well, life has a funny way of messing your plans up. The three fillies followed the distraught grey mare to an abandoned warehouse on the edge of Ponyville, which seemed like an odd place for favors of any kind to be fulfilled. Derpy closed the warehouse door behind them and took out a yellow, rectangular object. She took out a lighter and a bucket from the debri pile in the warehouse. It looked to be butter but why would such peculiar objects be in her posession? And, more importantly, where had she drawn these said objects from? After she filled the bottom part of the bucket up with melted butter, she pulled out six more sticks of butter from what looked to be some type of stash. Why had she stashed such objects in such a strange location?

"I have a favor that *hic* I need you to do... it may sound *hic* weird but I really need this" Derpy said, a little bit more normal sounding this time. The three fillies shrugged and said that they would do their best.

"Good... now Applebloom I need you to pour the melted butter onto to me..." Derpy said, barely slurring at all now for some reason. The three fillies gawked at their friend who was actually more like a good acquaintance. Applebloom stuttered on her words in utter shock. That was a weird favor...

"But... why?" Applebloom asked with a confused yet innocent voice. Derpy giggled a drunk giggle and walked over and dropped the bucket in front of Applebloom.

"This means a lot to me... you.. you just need to do this for me. I can't say why..." Derpy slurred like before. What in the wide world of Equestria was making her slur like that? Applebloom shrugged and picked the bucket up in her hoof and got into postion. She slowly poured the contents onto Derpy's back, recieving a small shudder in return.

"Now, Sweetie and Scootaloo... take... *hic* take the butter sticks and rub them on my back..." Derpy said. Sweetie and Scootaloo uncomfortably did what she asked of them and got even more violent shudders in return for their efforts. She obviously liked whatever it was that they were actually doing, which they had no idea what that was.

"This... is too werid for me..." Applebloom slowly said and continued, "Ah think Ah wannna' go now..." Sweetie and Scootaloo both agreed, givng Derpy a strange stare that meant their uncomfotability levels were too high.

"Fine... but... just don't tell anypony about this. Our little *hic* secret.." Derpy said between maniacle giggles. The three fillies said they wouldn't say anything and they meant every word of it. They washed up in the nearby river by Fluttershy's cottage and said their goodbyes. Derpy stumbled off into the direction of Sweet Apple Acres and mumbled incoherently. Ah... buck... that was where the three fillies needed to go. Well, no need to let the strange grey mare know that. Just stay quiet and be ninjas. Shouldn't be hard since Derpy had about as much attention span as a foal with ADHD.

* * * * *

Derpy stumbled through the fields of Sweet Apple Acres, singing the song that she had sung inside of the bar before randomly leaving. She didn't know why, but she felt like exploring was the right thing to do. She spotted a fox running across a hill that was very close to her, which she barely saw because her vision was blurred. At least she thought it was a fox... no wait, there were three of these so-called foxes.

Derpy giggled and said, "Those are some... some foxy foxes... heh..." She ignored the three intruders upon her euphoric state of mind and continued to stumble off along, getting ever so closer to the Apple family's house, which was her goal yet at the same time she couldn't care less if she made it there or not. All she could think about was muffins, butter and how much she despised English muffins... a weird word... English. Where did they come up with it? Was it some type of language because it sounded like a different version of Equestrian. Oh well, when in doubt just derp and move on. She reached the door and studied the blurry obstacle in front of her. It seemed like it screamed out, 'You shall not pass!' She knocked on the door and slumped against it after the third knock. The door opened and Derpy fell to the ground, halfway through the threshhold.

"Derpy... what in tarnation are ya doin' here? Did ya need somethin'?" A mare who appeared to be Applejack said. She looked at Derpy with concern set deep in that gaze she offered to the drunken mare.

"Applejack...? Your... *hic*... my favorite FRIEND..." Derpy slurred, emphasizing the word friend a little too much just like she did with the word muffins earlier. Realization came onto the country mare's face and she proceeded to facehoof.

"Oh Derpy... why?" Applejack asked with genuine concern and then went on to ask, "Yer drunk aren't ya?" Derpy just smiled, giggled and swayed her hooves in front of her face. A pink mare popped into the picture, seemingly out of random places unkown to either of the two.

"Sweet Celestia! Pinkie I told ya not to sneak up on meh like that." Applejack scolded, but with a smile. Pinkie was not hurt by the comment, probably due to this smile. Derpy silently watched them from an upside-down perspective, while silently giggling into her hoof. Pinkie looked at the drunken mare with a wide smile.

"Oh derpy! YAY! Another friend to share our random moment with!" Pinkie exclaimed with an absolutely overjoyed expression that matched no other in Equestria or in time's past.

"You... *hic*... look like a vacuum cleaner... SILLY..." Derpy said, giggling like a madpony yet again, emphasizing another word a little too much yet again as well. The pink mare actually looked genuinely confused for a split second but regained her delighted composure in freakish speeds.

"Well, now that you mention it... I do have a multitude of... hose..." The pink mare said with a giggle. Applejack looked at the pink mare with a suprised expression.

"Did ya jus' say that yer a pimp?" Applejack asked with genuine concern, overlapping her earlier concern for Derpy, which was still there. Pinkie giggled and smiled another wide, creepy smile that everypony got used to and accepted as a fact of life.

"Silly Applejack! A mare doesn't kiss and tell!" Pinkie said and diverted her attention to Derpy who was still giggling for no apparent reason other than her hooves, which she said looked like walruses. Applejack raised an eyebrow of even deeper concernat the grey mare.

"Ah think we should get ya to bed... no way yer gonna' be gettin' home in yer current... condition." Applejack concluded and said, "Come on..." She then picked the grey mare up and leaned her against the strong, muscular shoulder that was Applejack's. With the assistance of Applejack, Derpy made it to the couch and collapsed upon the most comfy thing she had ever layed on before... despite the fact that she felt numb, physically and quite worringly, mentally. She soon fell asleep but not before hearing three fillies bursting into the room and asking a multitude of questions. She wanted to remind them not to tell anypony about their special moment in the warehouse, but she barely had the energy to breath let alone talk. She slowly drifted off into the deep, dark slumber that eneveloped her conciousness and relaxed her muscles. She then, completely fell asleep, but not before farting a victory fart that recieved groans of annoyance throughout the room, which made the grey mare smile.

* * * * *

She woke up the next morning, feeling an epic headache beyond the proportions of which she had ever felt before. She slowly got up from the couch to see a small grey filly sleeping next to her, curled up into a small, cute ball. She forgot her mind altering headache for a brief moment to admire the small form that was her daughter. She looked around and was confused by her surroundings. It looked like they were inside Applejack's house. Why would they be here? She looked off to the side and saw Pinkie Pie sleeping right next to the couch on floor stretched out like a plank.

"Ummm... what the... what did I do last night?" Depry silently muttered. She got up, being careful not to wake her daughter up or step on Pinkie Pie.

"You got drunk last night, sang a terrible song at a bar, had three fillies rub you with butter, and passed out on Applejack's couch. Nothing much!" Pinkie randomly and excitably whispered to Derpy. The grey mare jumped up in suprise at the random Pinkie Pie that was at her feet. She made fillies rub her with butter? This wasn't going to look good to the authorities....

"Don't worry, you're secret is safe with me and Applebloom, Sweetie, and Scootaloo made a Cutie Mark Crusader vow not to tell anypony." Pinkie randomly said yet again as if reading Derpy's mind.

"If they didn't tell anypony... how do you know?" Derpy asked in alarm and worry. Why would she do something like that with fillies? She never drank a day in her life so why did she start yesterday?

"Just a hunch!" Pinkie said with a wide smile. With that the pink mare got up with frightening speed and bounded to the kitchen with suprising silence throughout the entire trip. Derpy rubbed her head in confusion.

"You know... when I said go and meet new friends, getting drunk and doing crazy things was not what I meant..." Dinky said, yawning. Derpy looked at her daughter. Who else knew about this?

"The entire town knows!" Pinkie said, seemingly appearing out of thin air besided Derpy. The grey mare jumped in suprise again and put a hoof to her chest.

"Pinkie... you really need to stop doing that." Derpy said, letting her eyes drift off again, athough unknowingly. Pinkie and Dinky went to the kitchen to make breakftast, leaving Derpy by herself in the living room. Of all things she could have been thinking about it had to be about what whiskey tasted like. Derpy facehoofed herself and shook her head slowly.

"Oh Derpy... Why?" Derpy mumbled to herself. It was for the best that she didn't remember anything....

Author's Note

I'm guessing I did terrible with this comedy. Well, anyway I hope I got a few laughs, despite this being the stupidest thing I have ever written. Leave a comment down below of what you thought and if comedies should be something I could do more of in the future. I'll try to make them better than this piece of crap story. I'm ready to recieve your hate if there is any. And if someone is offended by the ADHD reference, don't be. I have ADHD and it doesn't offend me. Well, I hope you all have had experienced what it means to be in the mind of 'icudeadnow' because I have given you the grand tour of madness. And, of course, muffins with a side of butter. Especially butter.

In any case, THE DERP HAS BEEN DOUBLED!

Stay awesome bronies and as always... *brohoof*