The Chronic-le Of Green Leaf

by MrPockets

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Adventure, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Berry Punch, Main 6
Length: 28719

A pot loving mare moves to Ponyville, high-larity ensues. Also, more crappy weed puns.

Green Leaf has been travelling all over Equestria, looking for a place to call home, but no matter where she goes, she just doesn't seem to fit in. Maybe it's her mane? Maybe it's her personality? Maybe it's cause she can't go ten minutes without smoking up? It's a total mystery. All she wants is to settle down and make some friends, but everything always seems to go up in smoke.

Could Ponyville be the place she's been looking for?

Published 2013-07-09 19:10:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-11 17:51:07 UTC

Part 1: First Impressions

“Umm, hello out there? Is this thing on?

"Okay... Cool.

“So yeah, before I get into this whole... whatever it is, I should probably stress that drugs are bad news. I mean it, you may think they’re all fun and games, and you’re not hurting anypony when you get high, but you totally are.

“Marijuana is habit a forming drug, that’s just a fact.

"Like, science fact. I’m pretty sure it is a fact of science. And it’s definitely a gateway drug. Start smoking weed now and before you know it, you’ll be out roaming Ponyville late at night so desperate for your next hit of skag you won’t think twice about finding a random stallion and getting down and-

“...What?

"Like, right now Pinkie? I’m kinda in the middle of this thing... Oh. Really?

“Fuck it, pass that spliff over here!

"...OOooooh....

“...Damn, that ain’t bad! You get this from Vinyl? I gotta hit that bitch up sometime. Thanks!

“Uhhhh, so where was I again?

“Oh right. public service thingy. So, weed is like, bad and stuff. And so is every other drug. And if you do drugs, then you... you really need to... Wow, I never realized how weird hooves are! I mean, my fur just becomes this hard hoof thing, but it’s all the same colour and... just, wow...”

“Oh. there you are... Green Leaf? Uhh, what are you doing? ”

“Heya Berry! What up, my main mare?”

“...You’ve been staring at that wall and talking to nopony. For like... way too long. It’s weird. Even for you. This is supposed to be you’re big party!”

“I know, I know, I’m just warning the ponies who’re gonna hear my tale about, like, drugs and stuff and how bad they are. Also, do you remember where Vinyl lives? Cause I don’t.”

“You’re warning other ponies about using drugs? You’re smoking a joint right now...”

“Yeah, so? That just means I know what I’m talking about.”

“Can’t argue with that logic. So how’s it going then?”

“Honestly? I’d give myself a 6.5 outta 10. All these ponies are distracting me with their well wishing and free drugs... And I could really go for some snacks right about now.”

“Well... I suppose you could be doing worse?”

“You’re right! Thanks Berry! Okay, so now that all that bullshit is outta the way, without further a due-”

“You mean ado?”

“Right, whatever. Without anymore of that, let’s get on with my story; ‘The Chronic-le Of Green Leaf’!”

“Wow, did you come up with that yourself?”

“Shut up Berry. Ah-hem..."

The dirt road crunched pleasantly under our heroine, Green Leaf’s weary hooves. A cool breeze blew through her messy blonde mane, offsetting the unseasonably warm air. It was that weird time of year when the weather ponies can’t make up their minds and decide if it’s Summertime or Fall. Still, stereotypically lazy pegasi aside, it was nice weather for a stroll.

The former big-city mare stopped for a moment to rest and admire the beautiful scenery with her deep, green eyes. She let out a long, refreshing sigh, wondering if anything could possibly make this moment more perfect than it already was.

“Dude, I should totally smoke up,” she realized suddenly, a tiny alarm bell going off in her head, “it’s been almost twenty whole minutes!”

In the surrounding trees, birds sang merrily as Green slid off her saddlebags and dug into the pouch on the right with both hooves. After a few minutes of increasingly frantic fishing around, she managed to find one of the two things she’d been seeking.

“Lighter! Check. Now where the hay did I put that damn joint?” Though Green had enough weed to make at least 50 more, rolling with hooves is as time consuming as it is frustrating, and not ideal for a pony jonesing for a pick-me-up. “I know I had six on me when I left Canterlot... There’s no way I smoked ‘em all! Or... did I? Come on, think!”

Raising her hooves to her head to manually kickstart her lagging brain cells, Green felt something squishing against her ear. Something wonderful. “Oh, duh! I put it behind my ear so I wouldn’t lose it!” She recalled upon regaining hoof-to-joint contact with the paper doobie.

With a practiced flick of her head, the joint flew out from behind her ear, flipping in the air three times before she caught it in her mouth and sparked it up. Not a whole lot of ponies could activate the complicated lighting mechanism, but Green was a pony of many talents. Most of which involving marijuana consumption.

As demonstration of these talents, Green took a mighty toke that would have left a lesser pony twitching on the floor; drool on their lips, and piss in their pants. Assuming they were wearing pants, that is. If not, well, the metaphorical lesser pony would be pissing on themselves as opposed to their metaphorical pants. It’s a metaphor. You get the idea.

Green Leaf released another refreshing sigh, this one carrying with it a huge cloud so dark, a pegasus could probably jump on it and make lightning. Assuming they weren’t too busy trying to figure out when Autumn started, that is. A familiar feeling swept over her body, and even though Green was an earth pony, at that moment she felt she could float. Grinning like a moron, she opened her eyes, now pink and puffy. In the glow of her high, the peaceful beauty of the morning was now overwhelmingly sublime.

“Aaaaaw yeah, much better!” The stoned mare proclaimed to the cheerfully chirping birds around her. “I feel good enough to sing! Listen up, featherheads, this is how it’s done!”

Green cleared her throat and prepared to dazzle mother nature with her angelic singing voice. With her joint still hanging out the side of her muzzle, she burst into the most enchanting song she knew. “I. Like Big. Blunts and I cannot lie! You other ponies won’t decline!” She sang as loud as she could, scarring off most of the birds she was trying to impress.

Unperturbed, (or even aware of their absence, really) Green packed up her bags and continued to sing her way down the road. “When I pass that spliff and you take a sniff, light it up we’ll get ripped, we get BLITZED! And don’t forget the chips! Munchin’ hard, I need some dip!” Several rabbits nearby raised eyebrows and wore looks of fear mixed with confusion on their tiny, furry faces.

It may have been the pot, but as Green happily skipped along, the high pony had no doubt that things were gonna work out for her this time. She had been travelling for so many years now, bouncing from one city to another, but the old routine was finally coming to an end. After the disaster that made her leave Canterlot, she was going to settle down, and be happy somewhere. There was no doubt in her swimming mind.

“Don’t. Want. None. Unless it’s French. On-ion!”

Puffing out another cloud of dank smoke, Green was about to start the next line when a small something collided with the back of her head.

“Wuzzat?” Green glanced down at the dirt trail and found an acorn sitting at her hooves. Turning around, she spotted a particularly upset-looking squirrel, glaring daggers at her from the underbrush. “What’s the deal, little dude? Not a fan of the classics?” The indignant rodent stuck out its tiny tongue and blew a tiny, mocking raspberry. “Oh, so that’s how it is then? Well, you can just kiss my flank then yah little buzzkill!” For emphasis, she jabbed her rump in the critter’s direction and gave it a taunting slap.

Green Leaf turned away, laughing and shaking her green flank and pot-leaf cutie marks at the varmint. This apparently made it mad, because after two steps, she felt another acorn peg her from behind. “Dude!” She stopped again and rounded on the pissy thing. “You need to chill out bro-tato! I ain't got no beef with you."

The squirrel crossed its arms dismissively and looked away with eyes pointedly closed. The pose was almost identical to the one used by those uppity Canterlot ponies Green Leaf had only recently left behind, only smaller and with a bushy tail. A devilish grin appeared on Green’s face. She had a way of dealing with those snobs.

Taking another long drag, Green immediately exhaled right into the squirrel scrunched up face. To her utmost amusement, it began coughing like crazy while trying to dispel the thick smoke.

“Fight the ocean and you’ll drown, little dude. Just sit back and ride it out now!”

The squirrel took the mare’s advice (or maybe it just couldn’t stand anymore), and fell back on the grass, swaying slightly with the breeze. Though its jet black eyes gave nothing away, Green knew stoned when she saw it and couldn’t help but laugh.

“There ya go little buddy, bet you're feeling pretty mellow now! Here, have a snack.” In an act of unfathomable kindness, Green Leaf gave back the very acorns it had thrown at her, which the high squirrel contently tore into. “Much better, right? Maybe next time a pony trots by, you won’t be such a little A-hole.”

Once the last of the acorns disappeared, the squirrel looked up and smiled at the green pony, its cheeks full almost to bursting. If you’ve never seen a stoned squirrel smile, let me tell you, it’s adorable. Like, kittens playing with yarn adorable. Times five.

“D’awwww,” Green Leaf returned the smile, then removed her saddlebags again and opened the pouch on the left. “Tell ya what, why don’t you take some of this and share it with your friends?” She pulled out a massive bag that filled the whole pouch. It was almost completely full with chunks of a dried, green plant. It was the best pot Canterlot had to offer, aptly named 'Celestia's Finest'. Green opened it and tore off a small nugget, then hoofed it to the squirrel. Cause she keeps it real like that.

It sniffed it once, then smiled at the mare again and nodded before scampering off unsteadily into the forest with the nugget in its mouth.

“So long, my friend!” Green waved goodbye to the bush, then looked at her giant bag full of weed and the tiny space removing the chunk had left. “Wow, I’m starting to run low... Note to self, find a new dealer ASAP! Also, get more papers. And a sandwich."

Loading up her bags, she continued on her way, finishing off the last of her joint in a single toke; just like Supermare would. If Supermare smoked weed. And was, like, real.

The sun continued to rise as Green skipped along, humming to herself, when she emerged from the sparse forest and her face lit up with joy. She stood at the outskirts of a quaint town, sprawling out before her from around a domed building in it’s center.

“This must be it! I’ve finally made it to Ponyville!” The green mare shouted, jumping into the air and pumping a hoof triumphantly.

From her vantage point, Green Leaf eagerly took in the thatched roofs and little bridges that filled the town. It was much smaller than the cities she had lived in over the years, but that’s what made it so appealing. It looked like the perfect place to finally settle down in, find steady work, and get a place of her own. Maybe even make some friends!

“Ponyville, my new home.”

With confidence blooming behind her puffy eyes, Green trotted towards her soon-to-be home town. She was brimming with excitement; the prospect of meeting a whole town of new ponies and making real friends was enthralling. All she had to do was make a good impression this time...

“I. Like. Big. Blunts and I cannot lie!” She began singing, from the top.

It may have been the weed lingering in her system, but for some reason, Green Leaf couldn’t stop smiling. There was something about Ponyville she couldn’t quite put her hoof on, but deep down she knew she’d finally found the perfect place to settle down in. Unlike the cities of Equestria, the air here smelled so clean, and the streets weren't crowded with hipsters or yuppies.

It was a paradise!

Leisurely trotting through the streets, several strangers waved or wished her good morning as they went about their business. There were many earth ponies like her around, but also the odd unicorn, and even a few pegasi flying around above, gliding through the air with not a care in the world...

Lucky bastards.

For a while, all Green did was explore, adamantly ignoring the more privileged races. In passing, she caught little bits of a dozen friendly conversations and other pleasant, exchanges. Everyone sounded so nice, and friendly! Still wearing a borderline-creepy smile, Green suddenly came across something truly perplexing, and she had to stop and stare.

“I might be high but... is that a life-size gingerbread house?” Green exclaimed aloud. Unlike the golden straw atop nearly every other building, the house in question clearly had a roof made of chocolate. Candy canes supported an alcove above the door and frosting gutters ran around the whole thing. Sitting on top was a giant cupcake, complete with pink frosting and three lit candles. “This must be the International House of Diabetes!” Green joked to herself. Though she was laughing on the outside, on the inside, Green was furiously resisting the urge to scale the candy house and chew on its shingles. She knew it was (probably) not really chocolate, but it was still a difficult urge to resist.

“What are you, new in town or something?” A voice asked, pulling Green attention (and her drooling mouth) away from the high-glucose home.

Excited at the chance to talk to a future neighbor, Green Leaf looked around for the voice’s owner... but found only a small owl perched on a nearby fence.... and wearing a red bow-tie covered in gems.

Ummm, what?

Green cautiously confronted the strange (yet admittedly dapper-looking) owl. "Did you just, did you say something bird dude?”

“Who?” It replied.

“You. Did you just say something to me a moment ago?”

“Who?”

“What do you mean ‘who’? Me! I’m the one talking to-” Green stopped yelling at the bird when she heard the voice again. It was laughing hard, somewhere from above.

The infuriating owl flew off with a last ‘who’, passing by a fluffy cloud with a blue pegasus sitting on top. The eavesdropping suck-face was struggling to keep her sides from splitting open. “Th-that never gets old!” She managed to say between gasping cackles.

Green was about to explode on the prankster, but only just managed to reign in her flaring temper. It would be right, ans she was usually more mellow, but that damn bird...

Anyway, getting mad was no way to make a good impression. “Hardy harr, good one you fu-uuuunny. That was... funny. Ya got really me good.”

"You can say that again!" The pegasus said, her laughter now under control, then she lept off her cloud and glided down to the ground.

Green Leaf’s eyes went wide in wonder at the sight; this pegasus had a mane and tail with every colour there is! It streaked behind her as she flew; like she was farting out a continuous rainbow. But, you know, in an elegant way.

“And technically, Owlicious got you, I was just able to enjoy it, so thanks for that I guess.” She said as she landed, wiping away a residual tear. “The name’s Rainbow Dash by the way. You know, the greatest flyer in all of Equestria? And bearer of the Element of Loyalty. And awesome! Maybe you’ve heard of me?” She finished boasting, casually wiping a hoof on her proudly extended chest.

“Uh, nope.” Green sullenly replied. In truth, she’d only actually heard half of what Django Dash had said; she was far too busy staring at her prismatic mane and thinking about how much it looked like her favourite Pony Floyd album cover.

“What!” Mash cried out in disbelief. “How- how is that even- You can’t just... Wait! Didn't you said you were new here or something?”

“I haven’t really said anything. Also my name is Green Leaf.” She extended a hoof to shanke, hoping inwardly that not all the ponies here were so... in-your-face. “Your mane is so cooooooool.”

Nash waved a hoof dismissively, ignoring Green's friendly gesture completely. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. But look here; I gotta reputation as the most awesome pony in Ponyville, if not in all of Equestria!” With a few controlled flaps, she lifted off the ground and circled Green Leaf from above. Damn showpony, with her wings and butt rainbow. “Everypony knows it! And if you don’t know how awesome I am... Hey! Cut that out!”

Unable to resist, Green Leaf pawed one last time at Sash’s colourful, flowing tail as she drifted by. “Oh, sorry, couldn’t help myself. Go on Sash.”

“It’s Dash! Rainbow Dash! You see the problem here?” Rainbow Dash was clearly freaking out or something. Her bright colours made it hard for Green to focus.

“...Not really?”

The floating mare sighed in exasperation. “GaahhHHH! Fine, look. What can I do to convince you of my pure, raw awesome-ness? How about a crazy arial stunt? Or I can smash up some clouds? Well?”

Green Leaf pondered that for a moment, when a familiar alarm going off in her head came up with an answer. “Oh! You know any good hemp shops in town? Or even better, any cheap dealers? I’m running low on grass, if you know what I mean.” While she did have enough pot to get every pony in the entire town higher than the tallest tower in Canterlot, it would probably be gone in a week or less. She does have pot leaves as a cutie mark, after all.

Apparently it was Rainbow’s turn to be confused, because the look on her face was similar to walking into a haunted house and seeing a ghost enthusiastically fucking a light bulb. “How can you be low on grass? You’re standing on it...”

Green applied a hoof to her forehead. Despite her cool looks and attitude, this pegasus was really square. “Uh, that's not what I meant. I’m looking for some... pot.” Maybe a little simplifying would do the trick?

No dice.

“Oh! I could take you to the market place! There’s a bunch of shops with different pots and stuff. That would be... awesome, I guess?”

This time Green face-hoofed with both front hooves, which meant she fell to the ground in frustration. That’s just how quadrupeds work, y’know. “Not pots, pot! Like, marijuana?” Dash reverted to the confused, ghost-on-lightbulb face, obviously lost. “How about weed? Or dope? Cannabis? Hash? Chronic? Ganja? Bud? Dank? Sticky? Skank?”

“I... don’t follow,” the hovering pegasus admitted. “Did you just call me a skank?”

“Uuuuuugh!” Green moaned, covering her face on the ground. Maybe this town wasn’t going to work out after all. And she had been so sure earlier. “All I want is somewhere I can get my special crop!”

“Wait, did you say... special?” Rainbow landed again and lifted a hoof from Green’s face, “cause... I actually have a friend who sells the best crop in town.”

Ding! Looks like that ghost finally got it’s bulb to light up. “Really? You mean, like, special special?”

“Oh, yeah. Trust me, it’s the best in town! I can even point you in her direction. Guess that would make me pretty... awesome, huh?” Rainbow pulled away, striking another overdramatic pose.

Green smiled and got back to her hooves. Sure, this pegasus was a little out there, but everypony has their quirks. She should know.

“I suppose it would, Dash.”

To the side of an open town square, an orange earth pony stood behind her small, wooden cart. A large cutout of an apple sat on a green and white awning above her, shielding what looked like several bushels of apples from the late summer sun. To be honest, it wasn’t what Green Leaf was expecting.

Drug dealers are usually a little less... wholesome.

There was no way it was the wrong place. Rainbow Dash’s over-the-top need to be seen as awesome meant she wouldn’t leave until positive Green could find the place blindfolded. And find it she seemingly had; it just... wasn’t what she’d expected.

“Maybe it’s a front or something? Like, hiding in plain sight?” Green said to herself. Unsure how to proceed, the alarms in her head were getting louder, and before she knew it, Green Leaf was walking over. acting as nonchalant as possible, she did a quick scan for cops, and spotting none, calmed down a bit.

“Howdy, stranger!” The mare called out as Green neared. She wore an old cow-pony hat, like something from Appleoopsa out on the Equestrian Frontier. Most city ponies would have laughed at it, but Green happened to rather like Clint Easthoof, and the hat by extension. “Ah can tell, ya must be new here. Might Ah be able tah interest you in some of the finest apples this side of the Foal Mountains?”

...Apples? For a moment, Green considered trotting right on by, but then she remembered the whole front business thing and approached the wooden counter. “Why yes, I am new here. And, I was actually interested in buying some of your...” she scanned side to side for cops again, then lowered her voice to a whisper, “special crop. Rainbow Dash recommended you. Said you had the best there is. You... catch my drift?”

The other mare must have picked up on what Green was putting down, because she cast a shifty eyed glance around as well, then leaned in and returned the whisper. “You betcha, pardner. I got what yer lookin’ for right here...” she vanished into her cart, leaving her potential new best customer alone, trying not to bounce on her hooves.

Green Leaf was positively giddy with excitement. After a somewhat shaky start, things were looking up already. Even the alarm bells were slightly dulled by the prospect of smoking the best dope town. It had been nearly a half hour since her last toke, and she really didn’t like pushing things like this. Not smoking for so long made her all antsy about it.

“Here ya go stranger, the special stuff!” The dealer said as she popped back up with... another bushel of damn apples. Green’s face drooped. “Ah normally save these for mah close friends and family, but a friend of Rainbow’s is a friend of mine! Name’s Applejack, it's a pleasure tah meet ya!” She held out a hoof to shake but Green could only stare at the unsmokable fruit with contempt. “Uh, you okay in there?”

The alarms were going off like crazy now. “Applejack. Cause you sell apples, right?” The dirty farmer nodded and opened her mouth to speak, but was cut off by a wave from Green. She needed to smoke. Now. “Would you excuse me for just a sec?”

Without waiting for a reply, Green dropped her bags and began the dubious task of rolling a joint. Screw the ponies walking around, all that mattered was getting sweet TCH into her lungs, pronto.

“Uh, Ah never caught yer name...” Applejack said, peeking over the cart to see what the strange green mare was doing.

“It’s Green Leaf.” She replied quickly. Not to intentionally sound so blunt (no pun intended), but even with years of practice, rolling a joint with hooves sucks hard. Trying not to think about how easy it with be if she had a horn, Green tore a nice little nugget and decided to strike up some conversation while grinding it down. Good impressions and all that shit. “So... uh, Dash is a friend of yours? She seemed... pretty nice.” Dumping the powdered pot into a paper, she began the actual rolling, allotting a small fragment of focus on Applejack’s drawling voice. Damn unicorns...

“She can be, though she usually prefers to be a pain in the doody.” Applejack laughed to herself, earning a half-hearted courtesy giggle from Green as she worked intently. Heh, doody. This drew the farmer’s curiosity. “Say, whatcha got there? One of them... mini tobacco cigars they smoke out West?”

“Sorta...” Green sealed the paper with a lick and popped the finished joint in her lips, igniting it with the lighter she hadn’t realized she was holding. A second later, the smoke filled her lungs and sent a soothing jolt through her whooooole body. Say what you will about the prudes in Canterlot, their drug standards are unopposed. Still inhaling, she stood up and the bells in her head vanished. “This is way better though.” As a courtesy, she exhaled away from Applejack’s face. Just because she wasn’t a drug dealer didn’t mean they couldn’t still be friends! May they could get together with Rainbow Dash and hang out or something sometime!

“Uggh, smells funny to me.” Applejack confessed before Green got the chance to ask. “In fact, that don’t smell like tobacco at all.” The farmer added, using her hat to fan it away.

“That’s cause it’s pot.” Green replied, taking another drag. “Like I said, better.”

“Pot? Wait a minute, you don't mean...” The pistons seemed to struggle to fire in Applejack’s mind as she tried to place the name, like trying to start an old tractor with a flooded engine on some sort of metaphor farm. ”You mean Mmrijuana! Y-you’re smoking marijuana!”

“Darn tootin'! Heehee, sorry couldn't resist. You want some?” Green held out the spliff, her high back in full swing. This could be the start of a beautiful friendshi-

“No I don’t want some!” Applejack scoffed, and probably would have knocked it away, if she wasn’t so utterly shocked. “How can you just- Out in the open and- Isn’t that illegal!?”

“Relax dude! Pot is decriminalized in Equestria, it’s only illegal to sell it!” Green took another toke and blew it over her shoulder, then leaned in close again, “So. Are you selling any pot?”

“AH MOST CERTAINLY AM NOT!”

Everypony was now looking over at Applejack stall. Some were already asking about the strange green mare and her smelly cigarette. They started with evident disapproval. A mother covered her foal's eyes and quickly lead him away. A stallion popped out af an oversized jar of jam and just shook his head.

Wait... what?

“You should probably go now.” Applejack growled.

Green blinked in confusion, looking back to the angry farmer with hurt in her puffy eyes. "B-but I though, well I was kinda hoping we could-"

"Didn't ya'll hear me?" Applejack interrupted, stepping out from behind her stall. "Yer bad fer business. Now go on, git!" With a hard shove, she forced Green away and chased her off, shouting about how Green should 'be ashamed' and 'what would her mother think?'

Feeling crushed, Green could only gallop away as fast as she could into the unfamiliar town.

So much for making friends.

Sitting alone behind a thick bush in a secluded park, Green Leaf decided it was time to break out the big guns. The depressing encounter with the apple farmer had left a bad taste in her mouth, and fleeing from said farmer had left her joint-less, which could mean only one thing.

It was bong time.

In the shelter of the hedge, Green dropped her bags and pulled out her tall, purple bong. Even for a veteran pot-head like her, this thing was serious business. It had a much bigger kick than its relatively small size would suggest, hence its name; Ass-Pirate. If you weren’t careful, it would sneak up on you and take your booty, with no remorse or mercy. Yarrrr.

But, rape jokes aside, it was the closest thing she had to a companion. She’d picked it up during her brief time in Vanhoover, and it had been her travel buddy ever since.

Filling the fine glass piece with some of her drinking water, Green wisely packed Ass-Pirate’s bowl only a third full. She wanted to calm her mind, not banish it to the moon for a thousand years. Brushed her blonde mane out of her eyes, Green mentally prepared herself, then brought up the lighter and began inhaling. Ass-Pirate bubbled away as it filled with dense smoke, tinted purple by the glass containing it. When it looked full she pulled out the stem, and with a sharp inhale drew out the smoke.

Oooooh yeah, that was the good stuff!

Like a champ, she took it all and held it in... for about five seconds. Her lungs screamed and her eyes watered as they turned beat red, then she huffed out a cloud thick enough to make a dragon blush. Green broke into a fit of coughing, sending more smoke forth from deep within her chest. Slowly, she began leaning back until the vague feeling of grass on her back stopped her.

And then there were only clouds.

Pure and white, they floated by high above, past her big black one. The feeling of ground beneath her disappeared entirely as she joined them, soaring like a pegasus. They really are lucky bastards. The world slowed down and melted away, and for a moment, Green Leaf was utterly content. All the anxiety and apprehension from earlier dissipated, taking with it the memories of dick-head owls, self-absorbed pegasi and straight-edged farmers. Green Leaf was left alone with her hazy thoughts, high as absolute fuck. Like, higher than Cloudsdale. Higher than the Moon! Higher than-

“Girls look! That bush's on fire!” Somepony said off in the distance. How was that possible? That would mean somepony else was just as high as she was....

“And Ah think Ah heard somepony coughin’ too!” Oh no! It sounded like the pony from before, that angry farmer Applejack. Only... her voice was slightly different. Meh, Green Leaf chalked it up to the lower air pressure and continued to float around, glad that Applejack wasn’t such a puritan after all. Maybe there was still a chance they'd be friends, if she was willing to get this high.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Another voice said, high-pitched and squeaky. Things sure were getting crowded in the upper stratosphere...

“Cutie Mark Crusaders: Firepony Rescue Team!” All three voices shouted in sync.

Before she could properly reflect on that odd statement, Green Leaf was ambushed from behind... it was the freaking bush! The very bush she was using as cover, the traitorous swine! It pinned her down, pushing against her barrel so she couldn’t breathe. The bush was going to kill her! Struggling in vain, she tried to pry off its constricting tendrils, but it was not use. The bush was too strong! And Green was too high!

It wouldn’t be long now. This was it, Green was about to...

No wait, it was only a group of little fillies. Though to be fair, there were three of them, so they clearly had the numbers advantage. Also the bush wasn't homicidal. Can you imagine a bush trying to kill somepony on it’s own? That was absurd.

“So, you three and the bush are working together to destroy me?” Green Leaf cried out, quickly piecing together the only logical reasoning behind the unprovoked attack.

“We’re saving you from the fire, miss!” A white unicorn sitting on her chest stated while pumping up and down.

“This will get us out cutie marks for sure!” Another filly said; an orange pegasus who was tugging at Green’s hind legs, to little effect.

“Yer gonna make it through this, ma’am!” Said Applejack as she hoisted Green’s head up off the grass and pushed on her back. Looking back, the farmer appeared as different as she sounded, but with the same accent. Somehow in the last ten minutes, she’d dyed her coat yellow and her mane red. She’d also shrunk by a considerable degree.

...Maybe those really were special apples?

The three continued with their inept rescue attempt, pulling on Green Leaf to get her away from a non-existent fire. “Uh.. Thanks?” She managed to croak out. It was the best her foggy mind could come up with, before asking the really important question, “How’d you get so small Applejack?”

The miniaturized farmer stopped pushing, letting Green's torso fall back to the ground with a thud. “What? Ah’m Applebloom. Applejack’s mah sister.”

“...Oooooh. That makes way more sense.” Green Leaf admitted, scraping her original idea as the trash it was. Applebloom doesn’t wear a hat, so she couldn’t be Applejack. Obvious, really.

“Wait, I don’t see any fires back here...” the pegasus said once she’d actually taken a look around.

“You’re right Scootaloo,” the unicorn replied, “there’s just this weird purple... what is that?” She jumped off Green and walked over to Ass-Pirate, prodding him with a hoof.

“Hey! You be careful with him!” Green Leaf cried out, diving with all the coordination of a headless Hydra, and snatching the fragile bong from the filly's unworthy clutches.

“Yeesh, it’s just a stupid vase...” The ignorant little shi- Uhh, nice little unicorn said. “And it stinks like garbage.” That little cun-

“Woah, hold up there Missy, “ Green Leaf said, cradling her purple friend, “this here is way more that some dumb vase. This, little one, is a bong!”

“A bomb?” The one called Scoot-a-dude asked, backing away fearfully. Wow, children can be really dumb.

“No, BONG, for smoking weed? Geez, aren't there any cool kids in your school?”

“Ya’ll smoke weeds?” Not-Applejack asked skeptically. “What the hay for?”

“Because it’s... good?” Green wasn’t sure what to say. Most responsible adults in her situation would have ended the conversation long ago with a standard, ‘drugs are bad, don’t do them ever’. Green Leaf, however, is about the furthest thing from a responsible anything, so instead, she said, “You want to try some?”

Yes, she offered drugs to children. But she felt really bad about it once she sobered up! And somepony explained to her why is was wrong. More than a few times. Maybe she's still a little foggy on the reasoning...

The three fillies swapped hesitant glances amongst themselves, then turned back to the green stranger. “Can we get cutie marks for... weed smoking?”

“Well, that’s sorta what mine’s for, see?” Green replied, showing her marked flanks to the foals in a way that most would call inappropriate.

The kids still seemed a little unsure of the stranger shoving her rear in their faces, then the pegasus jumped into the air, attempting to fly by fluttering her little wings uselessly. “Let's DO IT!” The most-likely disabled filly cried. Her friends were quick to join her enthusiasm. Bless her disabled little heart.

Five minutes later and Ass-Pirate was all loaded up and ready to unleash his uncompromising fury upon three underage fil- okay, probably shouldn’t finish that sentence. “Now, this thing can be a little... rough, so take it slow, got it?” Green sagely cautioned, filling only half a bowl for the three to share. Giving them more would have been just plain reckless.

“Got it!” They chimed in unison, “Cutie Mark Crusaders: Weed Smokers!”

Green Leaf smiled at the thought of helping the fillies with their crusade-thingy. If they actually got their cutie marks because of her, she’d basically be a hero in town! Plus, the one with the bow was Applejack’s younger sister. If anything could fix how their first meeting went, this was it. There was still hope for their friendship after all!

It was with these thoughts in mind, not the apparently ‘blatant act of child abuse’ she was committing, that Green operated the lighter and gave each Crusader a little hit off her trusty bong.

“Now, I’m told you don’t get high the first time you smoke,” Green said as the unicorn, Sweetie Belle finished off the bowl and exploded a coughing fit. “I personally don’t remember my first time, so... how are you girls doing?”

There was no immediate answer. The little light-weights fell one-by-one, until they all laid sprawled out on the park grass, their mouths agape and eyes wide.

“I feel... funny.” Applebloom said slowly, clicking her dry tongue. “Does that... I think it’s workin’!”

“Yeah... Me too.” Scootaloo agreed, lifting a foreleg and letting it drop back onto the grass with a giggle. “Did we... Did we... Did we get our cutie marks?”

Without warning, Sweetie Belle started laughing uncontrollably, kicking her legs and rolling in the grass. “D-did you just say...hahahah! Did you just say, doodie marks?”

There was a slight pause, then the other two clued in and joined their baked friend in her unstoppable laughter. Green couldn't help but laugh as well, despite how awful the joke was. “Well, I guess my question’s been answered.” she said, packing a fresh bowl for herself.

This is what she really needed, some good company she could be herself around. Even if that company happened to be children, Green Leaf was feeling much better about her prospects in Ponyville. As long as there were no more horrible fuck-ups, thing might just find a way to-

“Sweetie Belle? Darling, are you still out here?” A mare’s voice called out over the empty park.

"Oooh, oh no."

“Applebloom? Lunch is on the table, where are you?” Another mare called out. It was unquestionably Applejack. Or possibly another sister. Or maybe, though highly unlikely, a clone of Applejack.

"Noooo, no nonono.." Green thought, unable to stand and gallop away just yet.

“Heeeey, can I have lunch with you Applebloom?” Sweetie Belle flopped onto her side, triggering another round of giggles. “I’m really, really hungry!”

“I wish I had somepony to eat lunch with...” Scootaloo said. Though devastatingly sad, the statement was kinda spoiled by the huge grin on her face.

“There you three are, I've been looking all over!” Another white unicorn cantered up, her gorgeous purple mane flowing behind her as she cantered majestically. She was the prettiest mare Green had ever seen, even more so than the most dolled-up, trophy wives Canterlot had to offer. “Umm, who is your... smelly friend?”

“Hey, who you calling smelly, gorgeous?” Green shot right back, still grasping her reeking bong. The nerve of some ponies!

“Rarity!” The smaller, less bitchy unicorn said. She tried to stand, but fell over before she’d moved an inch. “Help! I forgot how to stand up! And my middle name!”

“What in Equestria is going on here?” Applejack said as she reached the group and spotted the mare she’d chased away from her apple cart. “You! What’re you doing with mah sister?” Okay, definately not a clone...

Before Green Leaf could calmly defuse the situation, Applebloom spoke up and ruined everything. “Applejack! Did you know you can smoke weeds? And to think, we’ve been throwing ‘em away like suckers!”

This is all in the past now, and there aren’t any hard feelings, but seriously, fuck that stupid kid.

“APPLEBLOOM, get yer sorry flank over here NOW!” Applejack roared with the ferocity of a Manticore in heat. “We need to have a serious talk about taking things from strangers when we get home, lil’ lady!”

Rarity, apparently a little late to the party, finally found the connection between her bumbling sister and the mare with a bong in her hooves. “You gave my sister and her friends marijuana!” She shrieked, pointing out what everypony already knew.

“Woah, everypony just calm down. I was just trying to help them get their cutie marks!” Green said in her defense. She didn’t understand; they should be thanking her, or offering her some of that lunch, or something!

“Oy, what’s going on back there?” A gruff voice asked, adding itself to the quickly-spiraling-totally-out-of-control situation. As luck would have it, a stern-looking police officer rounded the the bush. Ever have one of those days where everything goes right down the shitter?

“Officer! Arrest this mare!” Rarity cried in an annoyingly high voice. “She’s one of those ‘dopers’ you hear about in Manehattan!”

“Dope you say? Not in my town!” Removing a pair of hoof-cuffs from his belt, the cop advanced slowly. “Come along quietly now, ma’am. No need to scare the foals.”

“AH DON’T KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING AND EVERYTHING TASTES LIKE YELLOW!” Applebloom stopped licking herself to shout.

“Hold on, this is all just a big misunderstanding!” Green tried to reason with the encroaching ponies. “I'm not a monster, I just gave them a little bit each!”

“Get 'er 'fore she corrupts more children!” Applejack shouted, spurring the cop to jump in with a flying tackle. Unfortunately for him, he was not a pegasus, so it wasn’t a very good flying tackle. What possessed him to even try one in the first place? Bravado and stupidity, most likely.

Quick as a cat on cocaine, Green dived around the cop’s sloppy attack and broke into a three-legged sprint, Ass-Pirate held snugly to her beating chest. She pivoted around Rarity like a professional Hoof-ball player and made a break for it.

“Ah don’t think so, doper!” It was that damn farmer again! She snagged Green’s tail in her mouth and yanked, tripping up the fleeing mare and sending her precious travel partner flying through the air with more finesse than the fat police officer could ever hope to achieve.

“Ass Pirate! Noooooooo!” Green cried back as the purple bong fell... and smashed into a million purple shards on Applejack’s thick skull. Glass and bong water washed over the cowpony’s face and she released her grip on Green to scream some profanity about her mother’s fancy for an inbred goat.

Ignoring the slight and her overpowering grief, Green’s instincts took over. Moving in any direction the cop wasn't in, she scrambled to her hooves and took off into the park. The police officer quickly recovered and followed after her, blowing on his whistle like it was his special talent.

As she sprinted into the back alleys of Ponyville, local law enforcement hot on her hooves, friendless and now, even bong-less, Green Leaf couldn’t help but think the day could have gone better.

Author's Note

And here we go.

Part 2: The Friend-ening

“Wow Greenie, that’s just awful!”

“You can say that again Berry. I had to spend my first night in Ponyville hiding from the cops in a dumpster. Talk about small town prejudice.”

“No, I was talking about Scootaloo. Somepony made sure she was okay... Right?”

“...Is Scootaloo that crippled kid?”

“She’s not a cripple! She’s just young and can’t really fly yet and- Oh, forget it, you’re too high to give a crap right now.”

“And how!”

“I’m getting another drink.”

“Hang on, the best part of my story is coming up!”

“Awwww, is that ‘cause you’re about to meet me?”

“Naw dude, Spike and I are about to hotbox the library. That was one of the greatest sessions of my life!”

“Geez, thanks Greenie. It’s nice to know a tree house full of pot smoke means more to you than meeting your first real friend.”

“Oh come on, I get to see you everyday! I will never smoke in the library again. Twilight has officially banned me for life.”

“Has anyone ever told you you’re incorrigible?”

“Uhhh, no. But I’m pretty sure ‘in-porrige-able’ isn’t even a word. Are you drunk?”

“Not as drunk as I will be in 20 minutes. So go on, weren’t you about to wake up in garbage?”

“Oh, yeah, just let me stroke my ego first.”

Green Leaf, the Hero of the West and last hope for Equestria’s salvation, woke up in a filthy, stinking garbage can. Hey, we’ve all been there. Sometimes more than once in a week. As per her morning tradition, (assuming it even was morning, this garbage can didn’t happen to have any windows) she opened her massive bag of weed and prepared to properly start the day/evening/night.

Feeling around in the darkness, she noticed the vacant spot in her bag where her bong used to be. A wave of sadness washed over her, “Ass-Pirate...” she sighed, trying not to breathe in the stink of trash too deeply, “I dedicate this high to you, buddy. You will be sorely missed.”

So determined was Green to smoke in the honour of her fallen comrade, she rolled a massive joint in the pitch blackness of her hideaway. All while trying not to breathe. It took many putrid minutes, but he was worth the effort.

Green sparked up her lighter, casting an orange glow on the cramped space she sat in. “Hot damn, somepony likes to drink.” She gasped, releasing her held breath and taking in the sharp stink around her. Fighting back gags, she noticed empty bottles made up at least 85% of the trash. Wine, gin, whiskey, beer, everything. There was enough glass to build a dome over Ponyville. ”I hope this wasn’t all from one night...” Every movement shifted the bottles, creating a clinking noise Green had initially thought was her internal weed alarm going off. “...And I really hope my ashes don’t light this thing up and burn me to a crisp.”

It was a risk she was willing to take.

With a watchful eye, Green burnt the tip of the blunt and took a few puffs. She thought for a moment, holding in the smoke while reminiscing over her dearly departed. They’d been through so much together, and they never even got a chance to say goodbye. She honestly teared up a little, though it may have been from the 15% of the garbage that wasn’t bottles.

Green emptied her lungs into the cramped can, and began her eulogy. “Wow, Ass Pirate. I can’t believe you’re really gone. I remember when I first saw you in that hemp shop in Vanhoover, I just knew there was something special about you. You even had a sign around your chamber that said ‘Special: 20% off’. I took you home, filled you up with some maple kush and from then on, we were inseparable.” A solemn tear of solemnness fell from her eye and graced an empty vodka bottle with its very touch. “Ass Pirate... oh Ass Pirate! I’m gonna miss ya buddy!”

“Is... someone in there?”

Suddenly, the can was flooded by light as its lid was removed. All the smoke was let out and the face of a confused purple earth pony looked in.

“Do you mind? I’m having a moment in here!” Green said with tears in her eyes, shooting a scowl up at the funeral-crasher. “He was my best and only friend in the whole world and now he’s gone forever!”

“Oh.” The other mare replied calmly, still looking more confused than a unicorn on a farm. Oh, this is where food comes from? Bunch of moochers... Then she added, ”’Cause it sounded like you were talking about 'ass pirates' to me...”

Green scoffed hysterically, “That was my friend’s name, duh! He was the greatest bong I ever could have asked for!”

“Oh.” The intruding mare repeated. “And... why are you sitting in my garbage?”

“...’Cause the fuzz is kinda after me.”

The mare recoiled slightly and raised an eyebrow. “...Public drunkenness?”

“Naw. Apparently giving weed to foals is illegal or something,” Green replied with a shrug, taking another drag. “Did you drink all this? ‘Cause if so, I’m amazed you're, like, not dead.”

The other pony laughed nervously, “I- I missed garbage day last week!” she said unevenly. They both knew it was a load of griffon shit. The purple mare’s evasive eyes shot off to the side, and a worried looked crossed her face. “Say, how about you hop on out of there? My neighbors probably think I’m talking to the trash... again. Hey, I’ll even let you use my shower, whaddya say, Stinky?”

Scowling at the name, Green poked her head out of the can, rattling the so-called 'two week' pile-up. Across the street, a yellow mare with curly orange hair glared at them from her front door. She closed her eyes and shook her head slightly, then quickly pulled it shut.

“Throw in some breakfast and you got a deal.”

The purple-on-purple mare, who was fittingly named Berry Punch, lived alone in a snug, homey bungalow with a clean bathroom. Well, it was clean, before Green got there. Washing out what she could only guess had been week old vomit and moldy leftovers had left the tub a weird, off shade of yellow.

Several minutes later, Green Leaf trotted out of the soiled bathroom and into her host’s small kitchen, cleaner than her track record in Fillydelphia. “Ta-da! Thanks a bunch for letting me use your shower! And your trash bin too, I suppose,” she laughed, taking a seat on a cushioned stool at a table in the adjoining dinning room.

On the stove, fresh batter hit a buttered pan and Berry called back, “Sure thing, you didn’t dirty it up too much did you? I just cleaned it yesterday.” She put down the batter and grabbed a metal spatula.

“Ha, of course not!” Green said with a sheepish smile “That would be... super rude of me and stuff...” She made a mental note to split as soon as those pancakes were inside her growling belly. “Saaaay, what’s the ETA on those flapjacks Berry?”

Berry stopped cooking and slowly turned around, fixing her guest with blank, unreadable eyes. “...How bad is it?”

“Wh-what? I don’t what you’re talking about.” Okay, so maybe Green Leaf isn’t a great liar either.

Berry's face darkened. “The bathroom.” She fully turned away from the cooking batter as it started to sizzle. A thin trail of smoke drifted out of the pan.

“Hey, you might want to keep an eye on those-” Green began.

“How. Bad.”

The smoke intensified and Green cracked. What kind of monster burns food in front of a hungry pony? Especially one that’s high? That’s just evil! “Fine, you win! I’ll clean it up! I swear!” She leapt out of her stool, knocking it to the floor as she shot up. She landed on the table with a hoof extended towards the pancake, pleading to the almighty food gods to have mercy on the poor thing.

The shadow over Berry’s face instantly vanished, and she started laughing with a snort. “I’m just messing with ya!”

What the shit! Who does that? That’s psychological warfare. Hopefully somepony got fired for letting her escape from Tartarus to unleash her wrath upon Equestria...

Berry, the spawn of the unholy, spun around with a wide smile and dropped a hoof on the pan’s handle, flipping the burnt syrup sponge onto its other side.

“That’s so not funny,” said Green, sliding off the table and resetting her stool, “there are starving foals in Zebrica you know.”

“That is a horrible stereotype. Plus, I like them just a little burned,” Berry joked, removing her sorry excuse for a pancake and pouring more batter. Must be how they make 'em back home in the burning pits of hell-fire.

Green waved a hoof, “Whatever floats your boat, dude. Just try not to totally ruin mine, okay?”

Green Leaf... has a tendency to get on ponies nerves pretty quickly. Comes from an overabundance of personality that’s too amazing for most to handle. Berry had been doing pretty good so far, but she must have reached her threshold ‘cause she whirled back around and slammed her spatula on the table. “Wow, bossy, racist, and unhygienic. No wonder you're best friend is a bong. Oops, I mean 'was' a bong, my mistake.”

Oh, she did not just go there.

“Yeah? Well, you’re the spawn of Cerberus and just as big a bitch! I bet you don’t have any friends, either! No wonder you drink so much.” Green shouted back, standing over the table again, coming nose-to-nose with Berry Punch.

The two mares glared daggers into each other. No, scratch that, they glared fuckin’ lances.

Green was pissed. Who did this mare think she was? Calling it as she saw it and everything, that was Green’s thing. This Berry had an annoying amount of spunk, and enough sass to genuinely anger Green, which was not something most ponies could do, cause they’re too boring and offendable...

Actually, this mare was pretty cool!

Green’s scowl flip-turned into a friendly grin. “Truce?” she said, leaning back and extending a hoof.

Berry hissed in a weird mixture of confused and angry. “Seriously?”

“Sure! I like your style! You ain’t no pushover and you can take an insult as well as you can dish‘em out.” Green smiled at the mare whose garbage she’d slept in. “That makes you pretty cool in my books, so let’s just agree to disagree or whatever and call us even, okay?”

Berry looked unsure for some reason. It certainly wasn’t because she thought she was pregnant. The home test Green found in her trash was negative, and the box it came in said it was 99.8% accurate. All 8 of them.

Berry snorted and narrowed her eyes. “Why should I? You’re just some pot-head drifter who's amazingly selfish.”

Green merely laughed at the insult, mush to Berry's surprise. “No shit! You think I don’t know that? We both do, but you have the balls to throw it in my face. Just like I have the balls to say you’re a burnt-pancake-eating shut-in with a drinking problem and the reincarnation of Lucifer. So, whadda ya say? You wanna be friends?”

Berry still looked unsure, but beneath her confusion was the tiniest smile. “I must say, your logic is infallible.” The smile grew and she shrugged loosely. “Why don't we try being probationary friends. Only cause you’re really weird, yet I find your antics somewhat amusing. Plus, it seems you can be civil, so I guess that makes you not completely insufferable.”

“That’s the spirit!” Green took hold of Berry’s hoof and shook it harder than was really called for. Berry winced, Green grinned. It would soon come to be a common occurrence for them. “Oh yeah, my name is Green Leaf by the way. Probably should have mentioned that. Are my pancakes done or what?”

A bit of anger resurfaced on Berry face, but it disappeared almost instantly. She returned to the kitchen and smirked back, “what’s the matter, got the munchies, deadhead?”

“Naw, I just want to get one before you devour them all, thunder-flanks.” Green broke into laughter, which Berry surprisingly joined in on. Green knew her sense of humor mostly made ponies mad, but here was a mare who laughed at her jabs. Not only that, she made them herself, too! That alone won Green over, and she was genuinely happy for the first time since entering Ponyville. She was being herself and nopony was shouting at her for it! And she wasn’t even high!

“Oh hey, you mind if I smoke in here?” Right, never mind that last bit.

Berry set a plate of steaming pancakes on the table. “Not really, just let me open a window. I don’t want my place to smell like you do.”

“Harr, harr.” Green Leaf fetched her bags and got to work while Berry aired out the kitchen and set the table. It was much easier than rolling in the dark had been. “You... want to take the first hit Berry?” Do you see this generosity! Rarity can suck it.

Placing the steaming pancakes on the table, Berry cautiously eyed the joint, then shook her head. “No thank you Green, I've kinda got my own vices.”

Through tenacity alone, Green was able to converse with her (probationary) friend and ignore the fresh, hot discs of pure doughy deliciousness sitting less than two feet away. It was nothing short of saintly, to say the least. “R-right! The boozin’. Is that like, you’re special talent? Or just a hobby you’re really, really good at?”

"Harr, harr. It’s not my special talent dinkus, I’m a winemaker.” Berry said with a roll of her purple eyes. She really is just a little too purple. Hard to even look at sometimes. “I guess you could say my drinking is more like... a curse.” She finished on a downbeat, lowering her head and stuffing a pancake in her mouth. Burnt side down. Gross, that means she wanted to taste that side. She put it right on her damn tongue! Barf!

however, horrifyingly bad taste aside, something Berry said struck a cord with Green. “Wait, did you say... curse?”

Berry’s eyes rose up from her plate. “Uh, yemph?” She spat,sending little black flakes flying out of her full muzzle. Bleeeeh!

“As in, like... you have been cursed? To drink all the time?” All of Green silliness was gone now, her mood switching faster than a Changeling with ADHD.

Swallowing her disgusting food, Berry replied without spraying bits everywhere. “Yeah... like that, I guess.”

“NO WAY!” Green jumped up with excitement and pointed at her chest. “So am I!”

The kitchen fell quiet. Berry must have been having second thoughts about letting the strange mare she found in the trash into her home, cause she got all quiet and shifty-eyed. She looked like, like if she suddenly had to stab a fork into Green’s eyeball, she'd totally do it without hesitation. It was just under the surface, but it was definitely there, and utterly terrifying.

That's... not a vibe you pick up on too often.

Green managed to catch on and settled things down before evasive eye surgery was required. “No, seriously, I’m totally cursed too!”

“I... meant it more as a metaphor.” With the same dubious look, she shot a quick glance at her fork, then refocused on Green. “...You really think you’re cursed, huh?”

“Yes, but maybe that’s only 'cause I’m fucking cursed!” Green shot back, settling back in the kitchen chair. Berry looked more intrigued than stabby now, but putting a little distance from her cutlery seemed like a good idea. With a precautionary divide established, Green lit up her spliff and began the story that started it all.

“It happened a while ago. I was a young filly living in Detrot and I was just... actually, it might have been Baltimare, I don’t remember. Anyway, I was just minding my own business, innocently planting some weed in a forest outside town so the cops wouldn’t find it. Turns out, the ground I planted it in was sacred or something to these little fairy things that lived there. I don’t know what they were, I was never able to look them up myself. Anyhoo, they got pretty ticked off, I started mouthing off, they got super-pissed and cursed me pretty good. Ever since that fateful day, I absolutely have to smoke weed every so often. I go bonkers if I don’t. Sounds pretty crazy, huh?”

Berry stared. Hard. Green worried she might go for the fork after all, but instead the vindictive harlot started giggling. “That’s a very poor choice of words, Greenie.”

The blonde mare huffed a cloud of smoke, aiming for the rug in the kitchen and hoping the smell sunk in. “Whatever! I don’t even care if you believe me or not. It happened. And now I get outcasted everywhere I try to go, including here. It actually sucks, not like your metaphorical pussy-curse.”

“Awwww, poor little pot-head.”

“Screw you, wine-o.” Green crossed her forehooves and looked away.

“Oh come on, I’m still just messing around,” Berry chuckled, “how about I pretend to believe you? Would that make you feel better?”

Green shrugged. “That’s more than anypony else ever did.”

For a moment the two sat in silence. Outside, the Garbageponies came by and emptied Berry’s bins with an avalanche of loudly-clinking glass bottles. “For the love of Celestia, again?” One of the workers remarked.

“S-so, have you, you know, ever tried to break this 'curse'?” Berry asked, speaking slightly louder than was necessary. For no reason really, Green had already seen the liquor graveyard currently being dumped.

“I thought you didn’t believe me?” Green smirked. The avalanche stopped, only for another to begin shortly after.

“I don’t get paid enough for this.” The Garbagepony sighed.

Berry coughed. “I’m pretending, remember? Surely you found something on those... what did you call them? ‘Fairy things’?”

“You’re not a great actress. And yes I did try. But like I said, nopony ever believed me for some reason.” Green took another huge toke, blowing the smoke away from the rug this time. For now. “I can’t even tell you how many librarians laughed in my face.”

“I’m sure it was a lot.” Berry quipped, enjoying the suffering of another enough to giggle out loud.

Quiet took over again in the kitchen, and the whiniest union worker in Equestria moved on to the next home.

Green smoked while Berry finished eating her disgusting pancakes, then set down down her utensils and looked across the table. “I have an idea.” She stated out of the blue. Maybe eating helps her think? Or maybe food soaks up all the residual booze lingering in her system. “There happens to be a very nice library here in town, run by none other than Princess Twilight Sparkle. I have nothing better to do today, why don’t we go down there and see what we can see, hmm? Even if we don’t find anything, I’ll get to watch royalty laugh at you.”

“I bet you'd love that, demon-spawn,” said Green. She finished off her joint, placing it in a sealed tin with dozens of other roaches. What? Recycling is important. “You think we’ll actually find something?” She asked hopefully.

Berry waved one of her hooves. “No, not really, but who knows? If the gossip around town is anything to go on, Twilight knows a little something about curses herself.”

“Wow, you mean it?”

Berry nodded. “Sure. What are probationary friends for?”

Green Leaf smiled at the exciting prospect. “Okay then! Let me just finish breakfast...” Licking her lips, she picked up a knife and fork and tore into the meal like a school of piranhas, recklessly abandoning all preconceived notions of manners, cleanliness and personal safety. Berry watched in horror, likely hoping she’d be getting her silverware back. Seconds later, the plate was spotless and Green was full. “Mmm not bad, Bee! Now, let’s get moving!”

“...Aren’t you forgetting about something?”

“Huh? What're you talking about?” Green asked. Even stoned, the devious grin that spiderwebbed across Berry’s whole face was impossible to misunderstand. “You were serious about cleaning the bathroom...”

A full hour of scrubbing later, the two mares were walking down a peaceful street towards the East side of Ponyville. Despite the serious cleaning she'd just done, Green was in a pretty good mood. The more she saw of the little town, the more she fell in love with it. And the more she hoped this Twilight could help. Maybe, if she could just break her curse somehow, there was still a chance she could live in Ponyville. She would finally fit in with everypony else, be normal for a change. Everything would be great!

Until then however, she'd be keeping her head down. Small town cops are not to be fucked with, they literally have nothing better to do with their time.

“How much further is this place?” Green looked over her shoulder again. Aside from every member of the Ponyville police department, there were other ponies around she really didn’t want to run into. Namely Applejack and Rarity.

“Paranoid much? Relax, it’s just up here.” Berry laughed, pointing down the bright street to a massive oak tree with windows and a balcony.

Green blinked. “The library... is inside a hollowed out tree? That’s kind of messed up if you think about it, a tree stuffed with paper books. It’s kinda like eating a chicken omelette.”

“Green Leaf, that is disgusting.” Berry grimaced, casting a shifty scan around just as Green had done. Deciding the coast was clear enough, she took a swig from a flask hidden away in her saddle bag.

The green pony laughed this time. “Hey, maybe that curse of yours ain’t so metaphorical after all.”

Berry shrugged. “Whatever, it’s past noon anyway-” she was interrupted by the bells of Ponyville’s tall clock tower ringing in the distance. Twelve times. “...Well, now it’s past noon.” She noted, taking a larger sip and sighing with satisfaction.

Green nudged her with a green flank. “Ha! That’s another reason you’re alright Bee; you don’t care what people think of you.” She smiled at her new friend. She had totally made a friend! How could this day not be amazing?

Berry smiled back. “Heh, that’s me...” A pink mare with a lily in her mane trotted by, and Berry quickly shoved the flask back into her bag. She fastened the latch and looked back up to Green’s smirking face. “Right so, this is the place!”

Shaking her head, Green stepped up to the tree’s red front door. “Right, cool, should we knock? Or can we just walk in? It’s a public library, right?”

“Yeah, but it’s also Twilight’s home. So knock, you barbarian.” Berry made a knocking motion with her hoof, hovering only a few inches away from the door. Why didn’t she just knock? Cause she's evil, that's why!

“Gahhh, fine.” Green grumbled out loud, then grudgingly stepped up to the sectioned door and pounded it with a hoof. Much harder than necessary. “How was that, you happy?” She asked, stepping back beside an annoyed Berry.

“How very mature.”

The door’s black handle clicked, and the three sections opened inwards. “Geez, what’s the big idea?” And out stepped the least terrifying dragon to have ever lived. He had neon purple scales and big, goofy spikes on the side his head. Actually, they weren't even spikes; that would be kinda badass. He had spines, they were friggin’ rounded! That’s way less scary! “Did you really have to put a dent in the door?”

Green failed to suppress a giggle-snort. “Oh, I’m sorry little guy. Did the big noises scare you?”

The widdle dwagon put his claws on his hips in a way he probably thought looked tough. It didn't. “Hey, I was not scared! It’s just most ponies are smart enough to know how to knock on a door properly.”

“Don’t worry about her Spike, she’s just a little brain dead from substance abuse.” Berry said, stepping between the two.

“You’re one to talk. I bet your liver's pickled.” Green shot back.

“Anyway,” Berry continued, “is Twi- er, Princess Twilight around? We need to ask her about stuff and/or let her laugh at Green Leaf here.”

“Pickled and polka-dotted!”

The 'dragon', Spike, followed the exchanged in obvious confusion. “Uhh, are you guys always like this?” He asked raising an eyebrow. Do dragons have eyebrows? Weird. And also not scary.

Green stopped making faces and poked out from behind Berry. “Actually, we just met today!”

“For some reason, it feels like a lot longer already.” Berry rolled her eyes. “So, is she here?”

Spike blinked a few times, then shook his head and crossed his chubby little baby arms. “No, she’s not. Now if you would excus-”

“Where is she then?” Green asked urgently, pushing her way around Berry and right into his personal space.

The dragon snorted and backed away. “Like I would tell you, stinky. For all I know, you want to rob her or something.”

“Oh come on, I didn’t really mean what I said about you. Only a little bit.” Green chuckled, catching another look at his silly head spines.

“Yeah. I’m shutting the door now...” Spike put a hand on the door and began to close it, only to be interrupted when Green extended a hoof into his scaly face. He fell silent, as she expected. A strange smell was wafting out of the library, one that Green instantly recognized.

Holding her head up, she sniffed the air a few times and confirmed her suspicions. “Are you... smoking the reefer in here, son?” She asked in her best cop impersonation.

Gasping, Spike pushed away the hoof before turning several shades paler. “N-no! Of course not! Only losers do drugs,” he sputtered in mock innocence. And that was how Green learned that, for some reason, dragons sweat. Still weird. Still not scary. “Would you two just get out of here already, before Twilight comes back?”

Green looked down at the trembling lizard and smiled deviously. She turned back to Berry, and was thrilled to find her wearing the same wicked grin. “Here’s how this is gonna work, buddy.” Green refocused on Spike, still grinning like a madpony, “You tell us where Twilight went, and we won’t tell her you smoke pot when she’s not home, got it?”

“Y-you wouldn’t!” Spike looked ready to pee himself. Oooh this was a good day!

“She’ll do it Spike, trust me.” Berry chimed in, taking another drink from her flask.

Spike swallowed the lump in his throat. "Sh-she's really not here! I think Fluttershy asked for her help, a bunch of forest animals have been eating all the food they stored for the winter for some reason."

Green muffled a cough. "You, uh, don't say. Well then... I guess you're going to have to help us."

He may not be a tough guy, but at least Spike knew he was beaten. He slumped low with a low sigh of defeat. “Fine, but you two keep your mouths shut about this! To everybody, not just Twilight!"

“Don’t worry, we won’t narc on ya, unless we have to.” Green barged in, pushing the door and Spike aside. “Also, I get to smoke in here too.”

“What! No way!” Spike cried, picking himself up off the hardwood floor a running in front of the green mare. “That was not part of the deal!”

“Welp, now it is now... unless you want Twilight find out about your green thumb.” Green smiled, making herself at home and dropping her bags.

Spike let out another exasperated sigh even longer than the first. “Yeah, yeah, just... blow it out the window like I do. And try not to make this suck anymore than it has to for me, okay?”

Looking down at the little dragon, Green's smile only widened as she hoisted her huge weed bag out and dropped it on the floor in front of him. It was almost as tall as the green and purple squirt, whose eyes had gone the size of dinner plates.

“That... might help. I'll get my pipe.”

Several hits from Spike’s pathetically small pipe later, they had told him all about Green’s curse and began searching the library for anything useful. He now stood at the top of a ladder, obviously feeling the effects and swaying precariously. Trying desperately to keep his balance, he pulled various books off the shelf he leaned against.

Green stood in the main room of the comfortable tree-library, which to her continued amazement, did not smell like dead or rotting wood. Hundreds of books supplied the dominant odor; they filled every shelf all the way around the circular room. At that moment though, their scent was overpowered by a blue fog of second-hand weed smoke. Even Berry, who had been sticking to alcohol like a fly on shit, was swaying slightly from the concentrated smoke.

“Did you find something yet or what?” Green asked impatiently from the floor below, relighting the tiny pipe. It was her fourth hit and she was barely stoned. Spike only had one, and he could barely stand. Such a lightweight, even those three fillies had more than him!

The blitzed dragon tossed a hefty tome over his slight shoulder, letting it fall into the growing pile around the ladder’s base. “Not yet. I... I know exactly what I’m looking for, I just... I’m too high to find it right now.”

“Come on, that was hardly anything! This pipe of yours is like a baby’s toy.” Green chaffed, killing another bowl and placing the wooden piece on a stump-shaped table. Why would a stump be inside a tree? It’s a stump!

“Uh, I am a baby, numbskull! And dragons are known for breathing fire and being ferocious, not pot-smoking.” He said with a touch of pride and a girly little giggle.

“Yeah? So what happened to you then?”

Spike dropped another book, which landed suspiciously close to Green Leaf’s head. “I was raised by ponies, genius! I don’t know where I come from, and I’m basically a slave here!”

“Yeah, yeah, no one cares,” Berry popped out of one of the book piles, holding an old book upside down and a very expensive-looking bottle of wine. It was already uncorked and half empty. “Check this out! it’s an old yearbook from when Twilight was in Celestia’s school. And It was signed by three ponies! Including her mother!” She broke down laughing, tipping back the bottle and draining another quarter.

Spike’s face paled at the sight. “Hey, that was a gift from Princess Celestia! I didn't say you could drink that!”

“You didn’t say I couldn’t either, so... Don’t you have a book to find?”

Green giggled, finally feeling the weed starting to do it’s job. “Yeah, what are we even looking for here?”

Spike sighed, dragging a purple palm across his face. Even if he hadn't spent his life around ponies, Spike still would've looked like a dork. Guess that's just Nature vs. Nurture, ya know?

He pulled out another book out and flipped through its pages. “We have this book full of local, like... local legends around here somewhere. It talks about aaaaaall kinds of magical and potentially dangerous myths. I’m pretty sure there was something in there that could help you with your... 'curse'. I actually found it in a secret compartment myself, it sort of saved the day in the end!” He said with pride.

Berry held the bottle to her forehead in a mock dramatic pose. “What a hero! He found a book!” She used her whole body to roll her eyes, spilling fine wine on the floor and herself. Good thing she's purple... maybe she started out white?

Spike leaned off the ladder and waved his book at the drunk mare. “It did! And quit making a mess down there, I’m the one who always has to clean it up!”

“Hey, Spike?” Green cut in. “If you’re looking for a book of legends, why are we in the cooking section?”

“What do you mean... Are we?” He opened the book he held, which happened to be titled ‘Seven Nearly Palatable Radish Dishes’ . Pffff, as if there are any palatable radish dishes. He blinked in confusion. “We are! Holy shit, your weed is way better than mine.”

“Best in Canterlot. Now tell me where that book is or I’m gonna start shaking this ladder.” Green stood on her hind legs and placed her forehooves on a rung, rocking it just a little to drive home her point.

“Okay! Don’t get all psycho on me, it’s right over there in the big display case.” Spike clung to the ladder, pointing with a claw to the other side of the room. Sitting on another stump, under a dome of glass, was a bound leather book with a shiny gold nameplate.

Green released the ladder, and Spike sighed in relief. “Way to be helpful. Eventually.”

Berry finished the last of the fine wine and repeated her soap-opera pose. “Once again, the day was saved by the finding of a book!”

Slowly, Spike made his way down the ladder. “You know what, you can both go fuck yourselves.” He grumbled, wiping a layer of dust of his flamboyant scales.

Lifting the protective glass, Green swiped the old volume from it's resting place. “My my, such language. Would Twilight wash your mouth out with soap for saying that?” Spike flipped her a tiny, purple bird as she brought the book to a reading stand and cracked it open. “Okay let’s see here, cures...”

Berry trotted up from behind with surprising coordination. She really knows how to hold her 100-year-old vintage. “I don’t know what you’re expecting to find in there, Greenie. I would think ‘can’t-stop-pot-smoking’ is a rare curse to have.”

“And if Twilight was here she’d tell you, curses aren’t even real.” Spike added, beginning the arduous task of cleaning the ransacked library. “Maybe you’re just an addict with a half-rotten brain who thinks she’s cursed?”

“Maybe if Twilight was here, you’d have much bigger things to worry about, shorty.” She shot back, flipping page after page for anything useful.

“Well then it’s a good thing she’s not, cause you'd be in just as much trouble as-”

“Spike? What’s with all this smoke!” A voice cried from outside the front door. Spike froze in place, his pupils shrinking into pinpricks. The sectioned door cracked open, and in walked a lavender unicorn with wings. “Are you trying to cook something again? I thought I told you not to use the-”

“OH SHIT!” Berry interrupted, pointing a hoof at the wing’ed newcomer. “It’s Princess Twilight!”

Despite the shouting, Green Leaf remained peacefully calm in the building chaos. Spike's pipe had finally gotten its shit together and gotten her nice and toasted. She wasn’t quite sure what was happening... but she really liked the unicorn's wings. Who gets lucky enough to have a horn and wings?

“Spike... what the HAY is going on in here? And what is that awful smell?” The princess growled, using her magic to open every window. She spread her magnificent wings to blow out the smoke, and only then did it finally sink in for Green.

“Wings... She’s an alicorn. Cause she’s a Princess!” It all came rushing back, and she responded in the most reasonable way she could think of. “BERRY, GRAB THE BOOK AND LET’S FUCKING BOUNCE!” She shouted, then ran over to Equestria's newest princess and shoved her out of the door frame.

“I DON’T WANNA BE LOCKED IN A DUNGEON!” Berry cried, swiping the book of legends and bolting through the cleared exit.

“I’LL PROBABLY BRING THIS BACK !” Green shouted back to the fallen alicorn, then took off after her friend. “ AND I’M REALLY REALLY SORRY I PUSHED YOU!” she added for good measure.

Twilight stumbled back onto her hooves as the pair disappeared into the town. “Hey! Get back here! That book is not available for check out!” They heard her shout, an anger growing in her words.

“Spike, YOU ARE IN SO MUCH SHIT!”

Author's Note

Soooo much dialog!
Sorry about the wait again... but the next update probably wont be till after I get back from Bronycon. And sleep off my hangover.

Part 3: Into The Wild

“Haaaaa! I love how you apologized right at the end there. I’m sh-sure that fixed everything.”

“Berry, you’re drunk. Besides, even though I’m banned from the library forever, Twilight and I are totally cool now.”

“Oh, really? -hic- Then why ishn’t she at you’re big welcome party?”

“I’m surprised you even noticed, considering all those shots you did with that weird lookin’ pony. You know, the one who wears eyeliner like it’s still the 80’s? And she has that crazy mane!”

“Hey, Cloudchaser isss a great mare who happens to be nostalgic of her youfth! And I was doing shots with her 'cause... I think her boyfriend died or something, so she was looking for a little drinky-poo. That poor, lost, broken little thing...”

“Are you smiling? Wow, you’re drunk and evil.”

“And dun’t you forget it, Smokey. Sho, remind me what happened after you physically assaulted a Princess?”

“You don't remember? I’m not surprised, you tosspot.”

“Toshpot? Uhh, where do you think you are right now? ‘Cause I can tell you you’re probably wrong.”

“It’s a slang word from like, Trottingham! I lived there for almost a year, you uncultured buzzkill.”

“...I doubt a speeeeeding train could kill your buzz. You’re eyes are redder than Applejack’s big mute brother's big red ass.”

“Oh? You a fan of his big red ass or something?”

“Let’s jusht get this over with. It’s excruciating, like hacking off a limb with sandpaper and hoof files.”

“Nice imagery, I wonder if Big Mac likes dirty talk?”

“Where’s Cloudchaser, I need another double.”

“Twenty bits says she puts the moves on ya.”

Green Leaf, the Angelic Herald of Mirth and... uhh, Awesomeness, glanced nervously out the kitchen window. After a few moments passed and no super-pissed off Princesses showed up, she closed the curtains and rejoined Berry Punch at her kitchen table.

Resting in her purple hooves was the book of legends they ‘checked out’ from the ‘kindly’ Princess/librarian earlier. The same one who was likely searching the town with a lynch mob. Or severely punishing her dragon assistant. Severely.

“I think we lost her. Looks like we’re not getting thrown in a dungeon today.” Green took a seat across from her new friend, lighting up a fresh joint now that the coast was somewhat clear. “Though, it is only mid afternoon, so who knows.”

Berry looked up from the page she was reading; something about a gay sea serpent that lives in the Everfree forest. “Oh goodie, we didn’t get arrested today! Let’s break out the champagne.” She turned the page, blowing away a layer of dust and scanning the text. “Actually, champagne would be nice right now.” She added, glancing back at her ice box with hunger in her eyes. Like a lion, just before it rips an antelope's throat open.

Green slammed a hoof on the table. “Can we focus here? Twilight Sparkle and her Downer Patrol could still burst in at any second!” She released her mighty toke, adding grey smoke to the dust-filled air. “Shit, close the windows! She knows my scent already.” Green jumped out of her seat, sealing every exit in the one-floor home.

“You really are overly paranoid,” Berry said, waving away the mixing haze without looking up from the book, “maybe you should stop smoking pot for a few minutes.” She turned another page, and giggled to herself. “And maybe pigs can fly...”

Green sat back down and crossed her forelegs. “And maybe you should go blow a goat.”

“Why, do you personally recomend it?”

“Gimme that fucking book.” Green leaned across the table and snatched the old tome from Berry, positioning it in front of herself and taking another drag. She held the joint in hoof and exhaled, flipping through a few pages and briefly scanning each one. It was the same way she studied while in college. She wasn’t in collage very long... “Well, fuck. There's nothing about curses at all! Did you see anything in here that was like... fairy-like? Like, a little chick with two legs, bug wings and a short, slutty skirt?”

Berry got out of her seat and slowly cantered around the table. “Weeeell, that’s the thing Greenie. I couldn’t find anything in there like what you just loosely described to me.” She stood behind Green, reading the ancient pages over her shoulder. “This could mean several things. One, you are full-blown crazy. Two, you are especially dumb. Or three, you are both. My money’s on assumption three, but then again, I’m not a risky gambler.”

Green shot her an angry look, to which Berry only shrugged at. “Ya, well... this book is only local legends, right? Those fairies were in Hoofington, so maybe there just aren’t any around here.” She smiled smugly, blowing smoke in the condescending mare’s general direction. “Who's crazy and dumb now?”

Berry fanned the smoke away, ‘accidentally’ hitting the back of Green’s head in the process. “Oops, clumsy me. And I thought you said this happened outside of Baltimare?”

“Whatever, my point is still valid.” Said Green Leaf, rubbing her head and turning back to the unhelpful book. No wonder Spike had picked it out.

“So is my bet.” Berry replied, trotting back to her seat merrily.

Green grunted and flipped through the book again, ignoring the bits of black ash that had burned through a few pages. It wasn’t like Twilight didn't want her strung up already. “Oh hey, look at this! A pool that makes copies of yourself! That sounds awesome!”

“It wasn’t when Pinkie Pie found it.” Berry closed her overly purple eyes and sighed like a war vet having a nasty flashback. “There was a weeklong cupcake shortage after they ate Sugarcube corner dry. All we had to eat was grass and vegetables... It was a sad week for all of us.”

“How did you ever survive the hardship?” Green joked, earning a hard look from the other mare. She probably spent the whole week drunk. “Dude! Could you imagine an army of me’s? That would be a party that never stopped!”

“It would be the end of the civilized world. An unstoppable plague of stupidity and ignorance.” Berry deadpanned, donning a thousand mile stare.

“A mare can dream.”

“Sounds more like a nightmare. The cupcake shortage would be eternal.” Berry replied, shaking herself out of her post traumatic stress/cupcake episode. “Didn’t Spike mention something about a cure he read about in there? I was looking for it when a very rude pony swiped the book away. She was also ugly and smelled like bad cheese.”

Suddenly, Green bounded out of her chair. “Yeah! I mean, I do not. I mean, here it is! ‘The Fountain of Foal Mountain’!” She exclaimed, too excited to properly return Berry’s slanderous comment.

“Wow, it rhymes. My confidence in this book is just skyrocketing.” The purple mare slumped back, looking completely uninterested... except for the fact that both her ears were still focused intently in Green’s direction.

Ignoring the failed attempt at aloofness, Green read on, “Listen to this:

‘Beneath the rocky surface, of the proud Foal Mountains, high, (heehee)

There lies a mystic Fountain, that never will run dry.

For its waters flow from deep within the Mountain’s very heart,

And oh, such great endowment, does but a sip impart.’”

“We got a winner right here folks.” Berry scoffed, eyeing her booze cabinet from across the room again. Ignoring her, Green continued:

“‘So if your heart is pure and true, yet sorrow slows your gait,

Then seek the Fountain’s godly brew, its divine ameliorate,

Drink deep, dear pilgrim, and surely you shall find,

A cure to all that ails you, in body and in mind.’

“Wooooooah...” Green finished reading the passage, sitting back and sighing in awe.

Berry sighed as well, though hers was more like that of a parent finding out their kid has down syndrome. She stood and stepped into the kitchen. “I’m getting the champagne. Not to celebrate, I just... I need a drink after... that. Please stop me if I start clubbing my face with the bottle.”

“No, Berry, this is it! This is the cure!” Green tapped the book in front of her, a big grin etched onto her face. “We gotta go up to the Foal Mountains!”

After removing a green bottle of bubbly from her fridge, Berry made her way back to the table. “That is a bedtime story for children! We can’t go all the way to the Foal Mountains because a nursery rhyme told us to.” She bit down on the cork, pulling with her teeth. Surprisingly, they hadn’t been stained purple with wine. Yet. Maybe they were fake.

Green gestured at her bags on the floor. “Why not? I’m already packed. This could be my only chance at living a normal life in Ponyville, there’s no way I’m gonna let it pass me by!”

The cork popped, and a stream of bubbles spilled onto Berry’s tiled floor. She hardly seemed to notice. “You’re going whether I come or not... Am I correct?”

Uttering a another apology to Twilight, Green tore out the page with the poem and a the crude map next to it. “Yup, and unless you want to be responsible for my death by rock slide or scurvy or something, I’d really like it if you came with me.” She stuffed the pages into her saddlebag, right where Ass-Pirate used to fit in. “So whatcha think, friend? Think you could live with the crushing guilt of my untimely death on you head?”

“Considering how many times I’ve pictured myself killing you, I’d say that is a moot issue.” Berry lifted the bottle to her gaping maw, pouring the fine, sparkling alcohol down her endless gullet. Real classy.

“Come on, Bee! What better way to cement our new-found friendship.”

“Probationary friendship.” She snorted, the bubbles tickling the inside of her nose. Or maybe she was just being a bitch, it’s hard to tell sometimes.

Green smoked the last of her smoldering doobie. “It’ll be like camping! Just us and the great outdoors, sleeping in tents, eating s’mores, havin’ a fun adventure! Whaddya say?”

Stopping mid-drink, Berry looked over with a skeptical glare. “I’d say this sounds like the start of a very cheesy porno.”

Green smirked, putting out the roach with her tongue. She knew just how to win this ~~argument~~ friendly discussion. “Did I mention you can drink pretty much the whole time? With no one around to judge you except a cursed stoner with shoddy morales!”

Berry considered this for a moment, then threw back the remaining champagne in a way that would make any connoisseur drop a load where they stood. She unleashed a massive belch and wiped her filthy muzzle with the back of her hoof.

“...How far are these mountains?”

After waiting for Berry to gather a few necessities (and stuff as much booze as she possibly could into her saddlebags) the two mares set off on their adventure in style! ...Sneaking their way out of town through its many shadier back alleyways. They left without incident, avoiding all scorned farmers, fashionistas, princesses and of course, the five-0.

Once outside of town, they headed North across the hilly grassland surrounding Ponyville towards the monumental Canterlot Mountain. The city loomed high above the horizon in the distance, jutting off the rock like a castle-shaped zit. Even further away and off to the East, the mares could just make out the outlines of a distant mountain range; the Foal Mountains.

The sight was gorgeous enough to make a mare crap her pants. Luckily, Green didn’t wear any.

Stepping out of a bush and back onto the trail, Green looked back at the town she had only just arrived in. She frowned; usually when she skipped town, she had a good reason to, and didn’t feel so bummed about it. Like with Canterlot; she'd crashed some big, boring dinner party thing and demanded Celestia give her wings cause flying around stoned would be awesome. She must not have agreed, because the divine ruler of Equestria responded to the reasonable request by throwing Green in a dungeon for the night. It was those horrible five hours in jail that sparked her decision to bust out of that city and move on.

What’s the deal with princesses anyway? Stuck up bitches. You’d think a pony with some of the best weed in Equestria named after her would be more laid back.

Chiiiik. Green’s internal rant was interrupted by a can being opened. She looked back at her travel companion, who had removed one of the drinks from her bag. It was a heavy, 12% beer so thick she probably had to chew it down. Gross.

“Cheers.” Berry raised the disgusting can of beer-soup, then tilted her head back and drained the whole thing. That’s like drinking three light beers, at the same time! Her blood must be pure alcohol by now.

Not wanting to fall behind on what was sure to be a week of substance abuse, Green Leaf lit one of the many joints she’d rolled in preparation. “Right back at ya.” She took a few deep tokes of Celestia’s Finest (that humourless tyrant...) and finished the fat blunt quickly as they strolled down the dirt path.

Green tucked the roach into her storage tin, her head pleasantly swimming with euphoria. “Ooooooh yeah. And so it begins.” She said, getting a giggle from Berry. Green returned the laugh and fell in beside the buzzed purple mare. “You know, I was kinda doing a bit of thinking while we made our grand escape from Ponyville...”

Berry quirked an eyebrow. “You? Thinking? Somepony call the surgeon general, it’s a medical marvel!” She laughed again, opening her eyes to see Green staring back in disdain. “Okay, I’ll bite. You have my undivided attention.” Berry said dramatically, as she pulled another ‘beer’ from her bag.

“Thanks a lot, A-hole.” Green said, rolling her red eyes, “I was thinking... we should get to know each other a little better! That’s the sort of thing friends do, right? We should do that, as friends!” Green reached over and forcefully wrapped a foreleg around Berry’s neck, pulling her in close.

Berry, careful not to spill her ‘precious elixir’, shrugged off the stranglehold. “Need I remind you of the status of our friendship?”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. One wrong move and I’m gone.” Green backed away a little, still grinning despite Berry’s standoff-ish...ness. “But that’s why I want to know more about you! So I don’t screw things up like I normally do.”

“I wouldn’t worry about it too much Greenie,” Berry said, taking a gag-worthy sip of her poison of choice. She hardly seemed to notice the barfy taste and texture of it, “you’re probably going to screw things up anyway.”

Green snorted, “throw me a bone here! I opened up to you with my curse story-”

“Alleged curse story.”

“-And you’re being kinda bitchy. But when you’re not, you’re actually pretty fun to hangout with.” Green finished, dancing lightly on her hooves. She felt so good, ecstatic really, and not just from the pot for once. She was on an adventure! With a friend!

Berry grinned at the silly display of not-so-fancy footwork. “Well, I suppose I find you somewhat endearing as well.”

“Hay, I don’t swing that way, rug-muncher,” joked Green, stepping ahead and doing a little spin, flicking Berry's muzzle with the tip of her blonde tail.

Berry smacked it away, somehow able to resist the enchanting green flanks dancing before her. “Me neither, Casanova. Were you going to ask me something, or not?”

“Oh yeah, I kinda forgot, one sec.” Green danced back to Berry’s side, trying to recall what she wanted to know. “Oh yeah! I was gonna ask, why do you drink so much?”

The hoof falls from the mare walking beside her faltered slightly, and one look at Berry’s shocked face told Green her forwardness had landed her in trouble once again. Hoping to fix things, she quickly added, “don’t get me wrong, you’re the best drunk I’ve ever met! And everypony has their vices... I just- I want to know how you tick.”

Berry’s expression shifted, from a ‘oh no you didn’t’ to more of a ‘wait, what did she do?’

Green Leaf was nice enough to clarify her meaning. “FYI, I meant that in a totally platonic way, Butch.”

Berry laughed, shaking her thick purple mane. “You’re calling me gay? Really? You don’t think I’ve caught you staring at my flank all those times?” Green blushed, not because what Berry said was true, but because of the sheer... ridiculousness of such a... not-true accusation and... Shut up. “I’m flattered, but no thanks, Greenie.”

“Whatever, purple is an ugly colour anyway.” The blonde mare replied, clearing her throat and getting back on track. “Soooooo... why the sauce?”

Berry held out the half-empty can and heaved a sigh. “If you must know, I just... I like to be drunk, that’s all. Everypony assumes I have some deep emotional problems, or some tragic past that makes me drink to overconsumption, but I just have a high tolerance to the stuff.” She drained the rest of her beer, adding it to the mixture of other spirits and liquor swirling around in her iron gut. “It takes a lot to get me properly smashed, but I like drinking. I feel at ease and I loosen up a bit when I do. You said yourself that I’m the best at it.”

Green let her jaw drop as she slowly processed the information. “Wait, that’s it? You said drinking was like a curse, not just that you ‘like it a whole bunch’.”

Smiling, Berry crushed the empty can on her head, then placed it in her bag with the others. “Everypony has their vices. I just happen to be okay with mine.”

Green Leaf frowned. Something wasn’t adding up; if Berry had no friends ‘cause of her alcoholism, why did she still enjoy drinking? She wasn’t cursed, so she could stop if she really wanted to, do that whole AA bullshit... unless that was what she meant by curse! Other ponies were all stingy about her drinking, but she only did it to have a good time with them! And when she was all alone... she would still drink just to be happy.

Even for a metaphorical curse, that was a pretty shitty deal.

The two mares walked in silence, mulling over what had been said, when Green’s brain suddenly shat out a brilliant idea. “Hey! Once we get to the Fountain, maybe you should take a sip too! It could totally cure your rampant alcoholism, and then you wouldn’t have to drink alone all the time like some loner hermit!”

To the high mare’s surprise, Berry didn’t jump at her brain turd. “I don’t mean to burst your bubble, though I will thoroughly enjoy doing it, but I had the same thought about two seconds after we walked out of my house. Congratulations, on finally catching up.” She said, laying the sarcasm on thick as she retrieved another ass-flavoured beer.

“As they say, great minds think alike.” Green responded, flipping the spare joint behind her ear into her mouth. “So, you thought about it, right? What do you think, feelin’ thirsty?”

“Logical, actually.” The mare said, a slight sway in her step. “Yesh, I’ve thought about it, and I’ve already reached a conclusion.” She sipped her drink slowly and cleared her throat, “to use this ‘magical fountain’ as a cure, we have to assume that it exists, and that we can find it, and that it will actually work. And, in your case, that you’re even cursed at all.”

Green nodded along. “Right. So then, if it does, and we do, and it will, and I am, which I totally am, then what is this conclusion of yours?”

Berry pondered for a minute, taking a short break from killing her liver. Green caught a whiff of the wicked brew, a repulsive mix of nail polish and grandpa. “Sure, I guess.” Berry said with a shrug. “But let’s just say that I’m not holding my breath in anticipation.”

Green’s jaw went slack once again as Berry continued drinking. How could she be so indifferent to a magical cure-all hidden in the mountains, and the solution to all her social problems?

Before Green got the chance to question the dense boozehound, a yellow pegasus popped out of a nearby cave and crashed through the thicket lining the road, landing on the path before the two confused mares. Twigs and leaves were stuck in her fur, and she had a desperate look in her eye like a Las Pegasus street-walker seeking a John for the night.

“...Fluttershy? Is that you?” Berry asked, promptly hiding her beer can behind her back. Green did the same with her joint, though in hindsight, the smoke rising up from her butt probably wasn’t very subtle.

The dazed pegasus was obviously frazzled; her pink mane and tail looked awful, like Green’s after a bender, only pink. “Oh, excuse me ladies,” she squeaked quietly, “I was in a hurry. There’s an animal emergency going on!”

Green fell silent, looking everywhere but at the frantic flyer. Berry, being the heartless monster she is, caught on to Green’s unease and pressed the issue. “...This is what Twilight was helping you with earlier, isn’t it?” She asked, carefully gauging Green’s every reaction.

“Oh, yes! She was with me this morning! For some reason, all the little forest critters are gobbling up the food they’ve stored away for winter!” She cried. Literally, she was crying over some dumb animals getting the munchies! “If they don’t stop soon, they’ll have nothing to eat and st-st-staaaaarve!” Fluttershy burst into a torrent of tears, unable to hold back the waterworks.

And that was when Green decided she should probably go, before another Ponyvillean got pissed off at her. “Well, you sound like you’re very busy, so we won’t keep you then. Come on Berry,” Green prodded her companion with an elbow, circling past the tearful pegasus without turning their backs on her, “uhh, so long Miss Fluttershy, it was nice meeting you! Good luck with those poor, widdle animals!”

Wiping away the tears, Fluttershy nodded and flew off, heading back towards town and crying the whole way. As her sobs faded, Green breathed a sigh of relief and puffed on her joint, which had been burning away during the whole exchange. Such as waste, if anypony should be sobbing, it was be her.

“Green Leaf, tell me what you did to make Fluttershy cry.” Berry growled, squinting hard and the pot-head.

Green shrugged innocently, continuing down the path. “I didn't do anything! She just... seemed like she was in a hurry, and since we’re in a hurry too... Well that’s all there is to it. I swear!”

“You’re lying, profusely. And here I thought we were being open with each other.” Berry sounded mad, be she reluctantly followed Green’s swishing tail anyway, either deciding she was too drunk to care, or didn’t care to begin with. “Also why are we in hurry? We have enough food to last us for almost a week.” She added, taking another foul mouthful of the toxic sludge poorly disguised as beer.

“For one, if that waste of perfectly good wings tells anypony in town she saw us, then we’re royally fucked. Like, literally. Also,” Green fished her roach tin out of her bag and flashed the ever-dwindling bag of Canterlot hash, “I only have so much weed. I never found a dealer in town, or started growing a plant of my own, so this is all I got for the whole trip.”

Berry eyed the half-empty bag skeptically. “Is that not enough for your poor, shrivelled lungs?”

Green closed the bag. “Enough to get there, I reckon. But if we don’t find this thing in time, and I run out, then I will not be a happy camper. That’s kinda how my curse works, pretty simple compared to yours.”

Up ahead, the path split at a fork. One way continued North, to the pompous, ass-factory that was Canterlot, while the other shot East, towards the dark Foal Mountains. The two mares stopped, and Berry faced Green looking 100% serious.

“Do I have permission to kill you in self defense, if you get all crazy?”

“What? No!” Green laughed, wanting to shove the mare in jest... but quickly thinking better of it. Berry can be scary as fuck, and it’s impossible to tell when she doesn’t really mean it, since she usually does. “Just... tie me up or something! Do not murder me if I get a little nuts, ya sociopath.” Green took the lead, stepping onto the Eastern path.

“Just for the record... if I told a courtroom you went psycho and attacked first, I would totally get away with it.” Berry said, a malicious smirk spreading across her face like mold on a rotting grape.

“Oooookay, you’re walking in front from now on.”

The intrepid mares continued to follow the trail East, curving North around Saddle Lake where they camped out for their first night. Well, more like passed out, it had been a very long day of drinking and toking. Waking up bright and early the next morning, (well, technically it was afternoon) they continued on their noble quest, crossing the Eastern rail line out to Baltimare. A train went by, and Green, being a comedic genius, mooned it while laughing uncontrollably. The act went unappreciated by Berry.

They also continued to smoke and drink at levels that made all the little starlet wannabes in Applewood look like droopy-eyed, wingless pegasi foals. It's a know fact that Sapphire Shores can’t handle her coke to save her life, yet she aaaaaaalways does it. Fucking ruins the party every time.

As the mares got drunker and higher, the Foal Mountains drew closer and closer in the distance. After crossing more sparse grassland and f-jording... ford... ~~feeee~~ and swimming through a surging river, they made it to the mountain's base in the fading light of evening.

The following morning, Berry and Green actually did wake up early, around 8 a.m. It wasn’t by choice, obviously, for some stupid reason, the pegasi decided it would be a good idea to drop a torrential downpour on them. Damn feather-heads, sitting all cozy in their cloud city and pissing down on the rest of us.

Camping out under Cloudsdale is NOT a good idea.

Climbing the slick mountain sucked harder than a Neighpan prostitute. Everything was muddy, and the mares were getting low on morale. Even the combined efforts of weed and booze couldn’t lift their soggy spirits. It took forever, but they eventually gained some altitude and used the crude maps ripped from the book legends to search for the Fountain.

It was their fourth night on the mountain when they started to run low on food, and the rain had not let up. Drenched to the bone and hungry, without so much as a patch of grass to nibble on, Berry began to lose her patience.

“This is the ww-w-worst camping trip ev-ver.” The wet blanket whined, ironically, from beneath a wet blanket. She was shivering like she was sitting on a paint mixer. And had Parkinson’s disease.

“You did fill half your saddlebags with alcohol...” Green tsked at Berry, setting a rain tarp up above them. “Extra blankets might have been a better idea. Or anything waterproof really.”

“Wh-what about you?” Berry snapped, “your bags are half-filled with weed!”

“Yeah, but I’m very good at camping out. Come from years of practice.” With the rain successfully umbrella'd, Green cracked open her weather-proof saddlebags and began to replenish her joint supply. She also removed a dry blanket and hoofed it over to Berry.

The freezing mare shrugged off the ugly comforter she brought from home and wrapped Green’s insulated outdoor blanket around herself. “R-right, you're an accomplished drifter. How could I forget. Can we go home now?”

“Easy there, princess, we made it this far didn’t we? Trust me, we’re getting close here, I can feel it in my gut.” Green smiled brightly, drumming on her stomach to coax one out of her mopy friend.

Berry frowned instead.

“I’m almost positive that feeling is hunger. Maybe if you didn’t exhaust all our food rations by ignoring my fastidiously planned eating schedule, the gastric acid in my gut wouldn’t be dissolving the lining of my stomach!” She hissed, her voice increasing in speed and volume as she ranted.

Clearly she was overreacting, so Green countered by under-reacting. Genius! “Do you use big words to make other ponies think you’re smart?” She asked, hoping to get Berry out of her funk.

The diversion failed.

“No, I use big words because I have a little something called a vocabulary.” She snapped.

Maybe something with a bit more kick?

Green smiled sheepishly. “There you go again, you really don’t need to impress me you know. I already like you. But just as a friend, filly-fondler.”

“Just shut up and let me see that map.” Berry rolled her eyes, the tiniest of smiles curling her lips slightly as she reached for Green superior bags.

Half smile! Mission accomplish- oh wait, fuck. The map.

Green placed the joint she just finished rolling behind her ear and closed her bags before Berry could reach in. “Oh, hey, don’t worry about that, I got it under control!” She smiled wide. A little too wide apparently, ‘cause Berry got suspicious.

“Oh you do, do you?” Her eyes narrowed into a death glare. “That’s exactly what I’m worried about. Pass it over.” A purple hoof shot out of the ball of blankets containing Berry, her stare unwavering.

Out of fear of having her eyelids cut off and cigarettes put out in her unblinking eyes, Green Leaf cracked. She dug into the bag and pulled out the rolled up map, carefully handing it to Berry. “Okay, there. Just promise me you won’t get mad...” Hardly listening, Berry snatched and promptly unfurled the map. “...But I kinda used part of it for rolling paper.”

To Berry's horror, the old page was missing several rectangular pieces along its edges, and a few random holes were scattered here and there. But only where there was a lake or ocean... Mostly.

Berry took it pretty well, all things considered. She just sat there, gripping the tattered parchment. “What.” She said in a low voice that almost sounded like a growl of pure hatred.

Oh... shit. That’s probably what it was...

Green jumped in to plead her case. “It’s cool! I didn’t tear off any of the important parts! Just like, the edges, and a teensey little bit of the legend. I was holding it backwards when I ripped that one, haha...ha?”

Berry slowly lowered the map, revealing her twitching face. “Green Leaf. We are lost on a mountain. We're running out of food. And you smoked our map.” Her voice was mostly even, only just holding a lid on the unholy fury boiling inside her.

“What? I ran out of papers and I don’t have Ass-Pirate anymore.” Green replied calmly. “Trust me, it was a necessary sacrifice. This was the only way to keep me sane for the journey.”

Another eye twitch. “Right. Because of your curse. The one you think you have. Tell me.. were you dropped on your head as a child? Off something particularly high?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Pity.”

Green sighed, feeling the situation slipping out of her control. In desperation, she played the only card she had left; sympathy! “Look, I’m sorry I fucked up the map a little, but it was a necessity. You don’t know what this curse is like, and I’m sure we can still find this well thingy if we keep looking.” Green cast the die, forgetting that Berry lacked any sort of sympathetic tendencies. What she did have was anger, bloodlust and a skewed sense of right and wrong. It... wasn’t a very wise gamble on Green’s part.

“Forgive my lack of confidence,” Berry began, keeping a cool head for about as long as it takes Celestia to eat a slice of cake, “but you are the SINGLE, most IDIOTIC pony I have ever met! You are not cursed, YOU DUMBASS, you’re an ADDICT. Not that you would know the difference; you wouldn’t know SHIT from STINKY PUDDING!” She bellowed, her voice echoing off the wet mountain peaks. “You’ve got your head so far up in the clouds you can’t remember what the ground looks like anymore!”

Green Leaf sat in shock, unsure what to say to smooth things over, or if there was anything that could do that. “So, you really don’t believe my story anymore?”

“I NEVER believed your stupid story. I thought I was clear about that.” Berry shot back with fire burning in her eyes so hot, you could roast marshmallows with their heat... had Green not eaten all the marshmallows already. Maybe that was what she was really mad about? Green didn’t think to ask.

“Well, my curse is real, whether you believe me or not! An-and I’m up here trying to deal with it and better myself, so I can be that far gone, right?”

Berry threw off the blanket, rising to her hooves. “Oh yes, by using a quick fix miracle cure that’s more likely to leave you dead on a MOUNTAIN? Yeah, you’ve really got your shit in a neat little stack.”

Green stood as well, holding out a hoof to her pissed-off friend. “Just... try to chill, okay? I don’t want you to be all mad at me, cause I need your help to see this thing through.”

Berry swatted the hoof away.

“Well, I don’t need you. I am going to turn around a go home now. Consider our friendship effectively terminated. Goodbye Miss Leaf, try not to starve to death."

And with that, Berry hoisted her bags and trotted out into the pouring rain. Green watched her splash away, trying to think of anything to bring her back, but coming up with nothing. She sat on the wet ground, alone once again, hoping the mare that was no longer her friend would at least look back once, just once before she was gone.

Berry kept trotting away, looking only for the path that lead away. Green closed her eyes tight.

Thunder rolled overhead, an odd, short burst of it that made Green's snap open. A few yards away, Berry stopped and craned her neck up to the sky. The thunder rolled again, sounding even less like actual thunder this time. It was too... guttural, and since clouds don’t have guts...

Berry finally did look back, but not with the look of worry or caring Green was hoping for.

It was pure scorn.

“On second thought, please starve to death up here.” Berry said over the storm.

A huge, dark shape swooped down from above, completely covering Berry’s fuming form. It roared again and leapt back into the night sky, leaving Green alone on the ledge of a mountain with the rain pounding the rock around her tarp shelter, and a joint tucked behind her ear.

Author's Note

One chapter left! I hope you readers actually enjoy my odd sense of humour as much as I do.
This story is a blast to write!
Stay tuned for the EPIC conclusion.

Part 4: Can't We All Just Get A-Bong?

With all the speed, grace and majesty of a noble Gazelle, Green Leaf tumbled out from under her rain tarp and into the cold mountain downpour. Moonlight shone through the pissing clouds, dimly lighting the place where seconds ago, an angry purple mare had been standing and shouting.

“Beeeeerry!” Green stopped on the same spot, calling over the storm around her. There was no answer. She ran further, blindly stomping across the sleek rocks as rain whipped at her face, drenching her from mane to tail.

“BERRY!”

Thinking back, running half-stoned into the night on a slippery mountain was not really a great idea. A bolt of lightning flashed in the distance, striking the far-off Saddle Lake and lighting up the edge of a cliff Green was seconds away from careening off of.

“Oh... Damn...” Green panted, screeching to a stop, “That... would have been... a really dumb way to die...”

She chuckled at her own mortality, then backed away from the drop and called out again. “BERRY, ARE YOU OUT THERE?”

Her reply came in the form of thunder-that-was-not-thunder.

“Oh... Double damn.” Green cursed, remembering a little too late that Berry’s yelling had attracted the monster in the first place. She’s... not the highest card in the deck. Though, there was a joint still tucked behind her ear just waiting to fix that. And she hadn’t smoked since before her fight with Berry...

Unfortunately for Green’s inner junkie, the pony-napping monster was also a total party pooper.

Before she had a chance to find her lighter, it slammed down on the ledge of the cliff, wrapped in dark, leathery wings. Green Leaf ~~fell on her butt~~ quickly evaded by jumping backwards, landing softly on her posterior. She squinted through the cloud-obscured moonlight as the creature spread its wings and roared again, rearing back its head on a long, scaly neck and shooting a column of fire straight up into the night sky.

Of course.

It was an actual fucking dragon.

The same fucking dragon, Green would later learn, that had been forced out of its home by six mares from Ponyville after it filled the sky with black smoke. It was not all that uncommon. Something similar had happened in Vanhoover once, though upon investigation, local law enforcement discovered there was no dragon. This was on an April 20th.

Vanhoover... is just the best city ever.

“Well, this is just fan-fucking-tastic....” Green snorted at the dragons feet. “This is my punishment for taking advantage and openly mocking Spike, isn’t it?” She turned to the moon, mentally pleading for forgiveness from the goddess it represented. FYI, unlike her sister, Princess Luna is totally cool. She can party aaaaaaaaaaaaall night, and does keg stands like they’re part of some grand ballet. Berry would like her.

“Yeah, karma’s a bitch...”

Berry!

Lightning flashed again, and Green spotted a patch of purple fur clutched in the dragons claws. It squirmed in the dragon’s grip, fixing Green with a set of angry purple eyes. “Hey, when you get eaten, be a dear and see if you can’t choke him on the way down.” Wow, at least she seemed to be keeping up a good spirit...

“You’re just a bottle of sunshine, ya know?” Green shot back... forgetting all about the hungry dragon looming over her.

Oooh right, shit.

The dragon lowered its spiked head and fixed Green in a death stare with slitted, yellow eyes. It opened its immense maw and roared full on in her face, displaying rows and rows of teeth sharp enough to turn ponies into half-ponies, then quarter ponies, and eventually pony-paste. Its breath smelled like a mix of rotting meat and rancid smoke. But there was also a hint of... crotch, actually. Do they clean themselves like dogs? That would be ... that would be awful.

Green took the full force of the roar, her blonde mane blowing back and staying that way. She should have been terrified, but the little fins on the side of the monster’s head were just too funny looking. Not as funny as Spike, but still.

Oh, and she totally didn’t pee just a little bit by accident.

“That was... loud.” Green Leaf stated matter-of-factly once the roar ended. A lot of shit had gone down in the last few minutes. She was just a little slow to catch up. Heh, story of her life.

“I hate you. So much.” Said the purple furball glaring through the dragons spiney fingers. “You should’ve been the one abducted, not me. I actually have a job that benefits society!”

Apparently the dragon had no time for chit-chat, ‘cause it attacked before Green could point out making wine so ponies could get shit-faced at parties ain’t exactly a noble profession. Especially if you drink half of what you make.

It puffed out a plume of rank, crotchy smoke that sent Green rolling backwards into a boulder. Hitting the rock with her back, she landed upside down and dazed. A quick check let her know the joint was still safe behind her ear and she sighed in relief. Priorities! Sure, a dragon was trying to kill her, but sometimes you gotta take the good with the bad. At least he'd only breathed smoke, not fire.

The dragon reared back again, drawing in another deep breath and puffing out its chest. An orange glow ignited under its yellow belly scales and worked up its neck...

Right, now it was gonna breath fire. Obvious really. Green probably should have been running already at this point, not gaping up like a moron. She always did learn things the hard way.

Green Leaf finally clued in as a wave of heat cut through the cold air. She flipped herself back onto her hooves and bolted, slipping on the slick rocks like a pony on ice skates made of banana peels. She’d barely put twenty feet between herself and the giant pony eater when a jet of fire soared over her head.

“Sweet tap-dancing Luna!” Green shouted, dropping to the ground (and briefly recalling one of the craziest nights in Canterlot ever!) as her flanks toasted under the searing heat and her tail hairs curled and split.

The second the fire stopped, Green made her escape, taking off in the direction she really, really hoped the relative safety of her camp was in. Behind her, the dragon took flight, still grasping Berry tight. It pursued with totally uncalled-for malice, blasting more fire in her direction.

“How fucking fair is this?!” Green cried as the flames coloured the night a bright orange, illuminating her small rain shelter just up ahead. Hooray for small victories! She dove under the waterproof tarp, wishing it was also fireproof, and waited.

As she huddled in the cold, damp lean-to, Green’s mind took this opportunity to remind her once again of that joint she had. Even now, with a dragon circling overhead, it was almost too tempting. Her body needed it, but she knew she’d be burned alive seconds after sparking up. It was a weird mixture of conflicting bodily urges, like being really hungry while also have to dump ass real bad.

Up above, the dragon continued to scan the plateau, occasionally spitting more flames at anything vaguely pony-shaped. The rain slowed to a trickle, and eventually the dragon decided one midnight snack was enough and flew off into the brilliant disc of the silver moon; with Berry Punch going along for the ride.To her credit, she didn’t even puke once. Giving the amount of booze in her gut, it’s pretty safe to assume her stomach is made of pure steel.

Green sprang back into the dwindling storm, calling out to the departing dragon’s backside. “Don't worry, I’m gonna save you Berry! I don’t know how, but I wil!”

“Great, I got nothing to worry about...” Her strained voice floated back from the mighty dragons clutches. Wow, even facing death by digestion, she was still the same sarcastic bitch. Gotta admire moxie of that caliber.

Green Leaf watched the black silhouette of the dragon dive out of the sphere of light in the sky with a final roar. Its shadow vanished into the night... into a black spot in the stars lined with the silver moonlight.

It was going to a mountain peak, hidden in the darkness!

“Oh! It must have a cave up there!” Green said out loud, the gears in her brain turning as the THC clogging them up worked its way out of her system. She was coming down! For a moment Green’s head was clear, as the sound of beating wings faded in the distance, carrying off her first, and ex, friend.

Green sighed, returning to the shelter of her tarp. Under it sat her saddle bags, filled with weed but devoid of any dragon-slaying equipment. Resting on top was the patchy map torn from Twilight’s book. Around the cuts she made, Green could make out a squiggly line indicating a river. Or maybe a big snake. The map kinda looked like it was drawn with crayon, to be honest.

“Who am I kidding, Berry was right,” she sighed again, “this is all my fault, and now she’s dragon food. Dammit, why am I such a fucking fuck-up!” She kicked her bag out into the dwindling storm. They had rushed into a situation neither of them were prepared for. And if that kind of recklessness had created the situation...

So clearly the only solution was more recklessness.

It was already settled; Green Leaf was going to help Berry Punch, even if she had to face a damn dragon to do it.

She collected her bags and repacked her would-be campsite quicker than it takes a knife fight in a phone booth to play itself out. Green tossed the bags onto her bruised back and galloped after the long-gone silhouette, making directly for the moon and the mountain peek hidden in the night sky. As she galloped, she couldn’t stop smiling. Sure, she could have been running to her death, but Green felt something that night she hadn’t in a very long time; a purpose.

And then her stupid curse kicked in.

A tiny bell buzzed around in the back of her noodle like a coked-up mosquito, reminding her that it had been a little too long since her last toke. It also reminded her with renewed urgency that a spliff was behind her ear just waiting to be inhaled.

Green faltered slightly, but kept running, making a mental note to smoke up the second she was sure doing so wouldn’t alert a hungry dragon of her approach.

And maybe, she wanted to prove a point.

“I’m not an addict, Berry. Fuck her and fuck this curse, I’m doing this not-high.”

Her choice made, Green Leaf spent the rest of night racing through the rain as the alarm bells got louder and louder. Before long her head was pounding; the little buzzing mosquito morphing into an angry woodpecker, chipping away at the inside of her skull, begging her to take just a little hit.

She resisted, focusing on not running off any cliffs and ignoring the rolled up paper hidden under her mane.

“Uuuugggh, this is shitty...”

Green was panting and sweaty when she finally reached the base of the dragon’s lair. It had been a very long run, but now all she had to do was climb up the undetermined distance to its cave. In the rain. At night. While sober.

Green didn’t even go grocery shopping sober!

“So.... shitty.”

Grumbling under her breath, she began to worm up the side of the freaking mountain to rescue somepony who didn’t even consider them to be friends. Talk about selfless! Berry didn’t know how lucky she was to have somepony risk life and limb to save her dumb ass.

“That is, assuming her dumb ass hasn’t been eaten yet...” Green admitted, pulling herself up the steep, rocky cliff.

Fun Fact! Did you know that dragons are fucking assholes?

‘Cause apparently, only caves at the absolute top of a fucking mountain spire are good enough for them to sleep on their gem piles, lick their nethers and shit in a corner. Maybe having wings just naturally makes you an ass-hat; that would explain pegasi, griffins and alicorns (‘cept Luna, of course. She’s still cool.)

The orange glow of morning was just starting to peek over the horizon when Green reached the damn thing. She pulled herself up using a patch of gnarly vines growing over the lip of the stinky hovel and rolled onto her back, gasping for air and trying not to pass out. Her headache was getting worse, taking the form of a mental rattle snake; nipping at loose nerve endings and constricting her brain stem while rattlin’ away.

It was the longest Green had gone without smoking weed in years, and she felt like removing her frontal lobe with a meat hook through her nose. And it was getting worse! She would have lit up right there on the floor of the cave, had an enormous red dragon not been sleeping on a pile of jewels thirty feet away.

Still, she considered it.

“Ooooooh, kay...” Green Leaf whispered in her best Fluttershy impersonation. No need to wake up the fire breathing monster... unless it had already eaten Berry! Then, she would have marched right up to it and... uhhh... tore off its silly head fins or... something.

Luckily (for the dragon, of course) it never came to that.

Behind the thing’s big red ass were a few cages made of white sticks.... that upon reflection, were probably bones. In either case, they were all empty save for one, which held a preoccupied Berry Punch. She was reaching through the bones (or sticks) with a foreleg, trying desperately to grab her beer-filled saddlebags sitting just a little too far away.

As relieved as Green was to see her alive, whole and undigested, she had to admit it was pretty funny. Choking back a laugh (that likely would have gotten her killed) Green carefully crept around the sleeping giant. With the skill of a ninja, she moved quieter than the time she (allegedly) broke into somepony’s house one night in Canterlot and (allegedly) stole their dead parents ashes.

What? She needed them to put in Blueblood’s oatmeal.

Plus, she was never convicted. And if the dearly departed ever met the 'Prince', they surely would have understood.

“Berry!” Green hissed once she was close enough. “It’s me!”

The caged earth pony cast the briefest of glances up at her saviour, only to go back to pawing at her bag. “Huh, what do you know.” She whispered, mostly to herself.

The uncaged mare snorted. “Don’t sound so surprised, I said I was gonna find you, and I did!”

“Yes, but I assumed you’d get distracted by something shiny.” Berry snapped back, still stretching pathetically for her bag. New theory; maybe she’s an alcohol-fueled robot? It would explain her steel stomach and utter lack of empathy... “And please keep quiet, I’d like at least one more drink before I become breakfast.”

Green glanced back at the sleeping beast, wondering absently if it ate metal. The snoring dragon ripped a loud, potent fart and rolled over on its gem pile. Such regal creatures...

“I think we’re good.” Green said, fanning a hoof in front of her scrunched up muzzle. “So come on, let’s get you out of there!”

Fighting back a gag, Berry stood and narrowed her eyes. “I hope you’re not counting on this rescue reviving our non-existent friendship, or something equally ridiculous.”

“Dammit, you really want to do this now?” Green asked as the curse-snake in her head tightened its figurative grip. Why did Berry have to be so damn stubborn? Maybe her programming was damaged...

Berry upturned her nose and looked away. “Well, the way I see it, this whole dragon mess is your fault anyway. Saving me brings us back to where we left off. Which, I should remind you, was me hating your guts.” Robot Theory was gaining potential.

Green could barely comprehend what was happening. This was the pony she was trying to rescue, at great personal risk? The one she wanted to be friends with? And to make matters worse, her curse intensified again. Now it felt like the snake had dissolved into wasabi, crackling and popping in her head. Green’s face tightened, and she snapped.

“You know what? Fine!” She hissed as loud as she dared. “Clearly I wasted my time coming all the way up here, cause I was trying to fix a mistake and help somepony I thought was worth helping, not some bitchy stick-in-the-mud who’s probably gonna give this dragon the screamin' shits for the next week!”

Berry was quick to return the hushed anger, “I make a point not to be friends with ponies dumb enough to get me killed on a Celestia-forsaken rock pile. Please go away now, lest your stupidity is contagious.” She turned away (a difficult maneuver in the small cage), then casually added over her shoulder, “...unless, you know, just for fun, you felt like kicking over my bags.”

A devious smirk crossed Green lips. “Oh, you’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Karma may be a bitch, but it works both ways! Despite her massive headache, Green’s smirk only grew as she sauntered over to the bags and reached inside. “You know what I’d like? Giving you a taste of your own medicine.”

Berry forced herself around, turning her top half first, followed by her bottom, her eyes wide and pleading. She’d never lower herself enough to actually beg out loud, but she really didn’t have to. The look on her face did it for her. “Damn it Greenie, come on... you wouldn’t do that to me, right? To your friend?” She even had the nerve to smile sheepishly and bat her eyelashes

[ERROR: Pity.exe has failed to boot]

“Nice try, but that ship has sailed.” Green laughed, finding the aluminum prize and pulling an extra-heavy beer from the bag. “You know, I may not be much of a drinker, and this stuff does taste like liquid garbage, but for some reason, I am feeling preeeetty thirsty all of a sudden.”

Green sat back, placing a hoof on the can’s tab. Berry sprung forward in her prison, gripping the bars with one hoof and stretching the other as far as she could.

“You wouldn’t.”

Checkmate, mother fucker. “Wouldn’t I?”

Berry licked her lips hungrily, then slowly shook her head. “Nnnnnoo, I mean you really shouldn’t; you’ll-”

“What, lose you as a friend?” Green whisper-shouted, holding onto the tab like it was the pin in a grenade. “Good riddance! Maybe, I don’t wanna be friends with someone who... who has such ugly furniture! I’ve passed out in alleyways with nicer motifs than your living room!”

Berry scowled, her face contorting with anger as a fire lit up behind her eyes. Then, as quickly as it ignited, it went out again, and Berry smirked right back. “Okay then, you got me. Drink up. Crack that sucker open and slam it back, that’ll really get my goat.”

Normally, Green would never fall for such an obvious ploy... though there was this one time she sold her wagon to some self-important blue unicorn for some magic beans... which had turned out to be painted rabbit turds. At least that’s what they tasted like. Green got the last laugh on that one though; the wheels on that wagon were one pothole away from falling apart!

Unfortunately, as strained as her mind currently was, Green didn’t notice Berry’s quick change in demeanor and did exactly what she wanted.

“You just watch me!” Green sneered, pulling back on the tab.

Chiiiik.

The noise echoed off the cave walls, and Green’s smile evaporated. Her heart skipped a beat; the deep snoring coming from behind her had gone silent, replaced by a low growling.

“I’m so glad you’re an idiot.” Berry said.

Green didn’t bother arguing with that. Slowly turning her head, she met the gold, slitted eyes of the awoken dragon, staring at her from atop his mound of gold. He looked very pissed off.

“Fuck-dammit Berry, now we’re both gonna die!” She cried, abandoning the whisper and glaring at the purple mare.

“My only regret, is that I can only get you killed once.” Berry replied without missing a beat. “Are you gonna drink that beer?”

Before Green could answer, the dragon shifted, recalling her attention. She turned back to find those golden eyes hanging above her, staring down with insatiable hunger.

“Uhhh, thirsty?” She tried, offering up the beer and hoping the awful taste might spoil its appetite.

Apparently dragons are smarter than they look.

It snarled and blew a cloud of thick black smoke down on the green mare. Her vision went dark, and the small part of her brain that didn’t feel like it was on fire screamed at her to duck. She didn’t tough, likely because most of her brain felt like it was on fire.

A heavy, scaled appendage slammed into Green’s side, sending her sprawling to the ground. She could hear the dragon thrashing around trying to find her. Also beer had spilt all over her, and she now smelt as bad as it did.

Just great.

As quietly as she could, Green limped through the smoke looking for its edge, still clutching the open can. Something splintered behind her. Berry’s cage! The dragon smushed her! Green gasped, choking on the sickly smoke in a way that was frankly below somepony with lungs of iron.

She tried to smother the cough, but it was too late. The dragon struck her again, and suddenly everything was bright. Then she landed, and everything hurt.

“Fuck! Uuugh, why do rocks hurt so much?” She groaned, opening her tired eyes- and immediately regretting it. Her head and forelegs hung limply over the edge of the cave, giving her a vertigo-inducing view of the drop she’d been inches away from experiencing first hand. Ever so carefully, she lifted herself back into the safety of the dragon’s cave.

Inside, the red and yellow monster was still searching for her in the smoke cloud. It stood tall and used its wings to clear the smoke away, just as Twilight had done. Do tyrannical minds think alike? Apparently so. As the smoke scattered and thinned, Green noticed all the cages had been smashed to bits, but there was no sign of any squished pony.

Chiiiik.

Of course. Berry was fine, lying on the floor at her bag, a beer raised to her lips. And an enraged dragon looming over her. It lifted a fist, ready to turn her into a purple pancake. Maybe he'd even burn one side.

Green shook the gruesome image out of her head. “Berry, watch out!” She shouted, much to her own confusion.

Why was she still trying to rescue the fucker who just tricked her into waking a sleeping dragon? They would likely never be friends again, and Green Leaf knew it... but that didn’t matter like it should have. This wasn’t about their argument, or placing blame. It was about fixing her mistake. Wow, being sober isn’t so bad after all.

Berry, finishing her gross, ass-beer, craned her neck upwards at the giant monster. “I’ll be with you in a sec. Just let me polish off these last few.”

Judging by the way it growled and licked its lips with a forked tongue, the dragon wasn’t inclined to wait for breakfast just ‘cause it asked him too.

“Hey! Over here you rock eating, knob jockey!” Green shouted from the cave entrance, placing her hooves around her muzzle and finding a half-empty can still wrapped tightly in her hoof. Why’d she still have it? It wasn’t like she was gonna drink it...

The dragon looked away from his easy prey, and was pegged in the face by a well aimed metal can. Judging distance and power accurately; another plus of sobriety!

It’s a shame beer cans don’t explode on impact, ‘cause the dragon recovered quickly and its angry, golden eyes were now focused solely on Green. It spread its wings, and with a mighty roar, barreled forward.

It was at this point that Green realized she was, in fact, an idiot. She'd quite skillfully placed herself between a rock and a hard place, though in this case, the role of ‘rock’ was played by falling to death and the ‘hard place’ was a fucking dragon. Places don’t get much harder than that.

Once again cursing all things winged, Green went with the lesser evil of the two. She grabbed hold of the scant vines hanging over the edge and jumped as the dragon’s jaws snapped closed right behind her. Green held tight as she swung, slamming into the side of the mountain as the dragon soared out overhead into the crisp morning air.

Green tried not to look down while the dragon flew off into the picturesque mountainscape, letting out a pre-emptive sigh of relief.

“Hey, how’s it hanging?” Berry asked, peering over the edge with a fresh beer.

“Very funny.” Green replied as she tried to pull herself back in. “Care to help me out here? I did just save you stupid life.”

For a moment, Berry considered being helpful, swirling the thick liquid in her hoof. “Well, I would help you up, but I am preeeeetty thirsty all of a sudden.”

Son of a- Okay, I guess Green kinda deserved that one. Messing with somepony who's about to die is not cool. It’s fun, especially if they deserve it, but it’s still wrong.

“Look, I’m sorry I said that,” Green began, figuring if she was going to start apologizing now, she may as well get it all out before losing her grip and plummeting to her death. “And about the map too, and everything. I’ve met a lot of ponies, and most of them are turds. You’re not a turd, well, you are sometimes, but like, in a good way. You know what I mean!”

Berry made no reply. Instead of accepting and helping Green up like a normal pony would, she looked out into the distance, squinting in the orange light of sunrise.

“He’s coming back.”

“He’s... w-what?” Green stammered, following Berry’s gaze. Sure enough, the red menace had wheeled around and was flying back... right at her.

“Crap, I’m gonna die.”

Dragons are assholes, but they are really fast assholes. With two beats of its huge wings, it was on top of her, slamming into the cliff and grabbing hold with long, sharp claws. Green was pinned under his heaving chest. It was the closest she’d ever been to a dragon (Spike doesn’t count on the grounds that he’s more pussy than dragon.) The stink of it was strong enough to taste.

He looked down at his trapped meal, snarling with each breath.

“Heeey, Mister dragon... Look, I’m sorry I invaded your cave and all, b-but I think we should just, you know, put that all behind us. Whaddya say?” Green whimpered.

The dragon’s stomach growled. So much for diplomacy.

“Berry, for the love of ethanol, please help me!”

If Berry made any movement, it was lost to Green; her eyes refused to look away from the grimm reaper towering over her. He raised a claw and, with a smug smirk, slowly ran it across the vines that made his doormat. One by one they fell away, floating down into the abyss below.

Well, guess I’m fucked then. Green decided this would be a good final thought, when another struck her. She was essentially still between a rock and a hard place. Only the rock was much shittier now.

Just as the dragon was about to cut her vine, Green let go, falling down the side of the mountain... and wrapping all four legs around the dragons hanging tail.

“Holy shit, I’m not dead!” Green gasped, just as surprised as the dragon. It instinctually shook itself, but Green wasn’t letting go that easily. The dragon spread his wings for leverage and dipped his head low on his long neck, placing it right next to Berry.

She’d been standing there watching, drinking a beer and awaiting Green’s death. What a saint.

Relenting to Green’s bitchin' rodeo skills, the dragon switched to a more direct route and lifted its tail, preparing to use the cliff face to turn the dangling pothead into a bloody smear.

“Berry, please!” Green cried in a last ditch effort to stay alive.

It’s not like she could even do anything at this point; Berry was already half in-the-bag and her beer can was freshly emptied. Her cheeks, however, were full.

And no, not those cheeks. What kind of story would this be if it ended with a pony shitting all over a dragon?

...Actually, don’t answer that. There might be more of these.

In an almost unfathomable act for the die-hard boozer, Berry spat the beer in her mouth right into the stooping dragon’s eyes. It yowled in animalistic pain and lost its grip on the mountain peak. Green could only yell with it as she went along for the ride, holding on for dear life as the dragon fell backwards onto its outstretched wings.

“Holy fucking ass-bandit fisting Sombra with a crystal hoof!”

The ground drew closer and closer, before the dragon leveled out and soared over the sparse landscape. Green Leaf was fucking flying! And it was fucking terrifying! Those dickhead pegasi can take their stupid wings and shove them up their tail holes!

Now that being dashed on the rocks below was no longer imminent, the dragon pulled up into a hover to rub the foul substance from its irritated eyes. That beer was strong enough to temporarily blind a dragon. And Berry was pounding it back like tap water. That defies logic on an almost Pinkie Pie level of insanity.

Actually, no. It doesn’t even come close.

Green held fast, but she was already starting to slip. Hooves, while great for running, are kinda useless when it comes to gripping stuff. The dragon must have felt the movement, ‘cause it stopped rubbing and looked back with inflamed eyes.

“Uhhh, heya. You can, just set me down wherever.” Green said casually. “Actually, have you seen any magical fountains up here?” She added hopefully. What the hell, couldn’t hurt to ask, right?

If it had looked pissed off before, the dragon was completely furious now. It snarled, showing off its pointy, white, pony-killing teeth.

“Sooooo, you haven’t seen it?”

Apparently it did hurt to ask, ‘cause the dragon went back to whipping his red tail like it was on fire. Green couldn’t help but think the rescue of Berry could be going better.

“Oh sure, I’ll just take on a dragon! It’ll be a snap, I said.” Green cursed as she slid further down the scaly tail. And what do ya fucking know; this dragon didn’t have a cute little tail-barb like Spike’s. Figures.

Green’s hind legs lost their grip, waving freely over the distant ground below. She wrapped her forelegs tighter and looked down at the drop that would kill her. Green had a nice choice of landing spots; flat rocks would make a good splat. Or, there were some sharp ones if she wanted to make a really big mess. Or there was... a river? How’d she miss that? Bonus, it was a far fall, but not that far, she might even survive long enough to drown.

“Looks like we got a winner!”

Closing her eyes tight and sending off a quick prayer to any merciful gods that may have been listening, Green let go. The stoner dropped like a stone, screaming her head off as she sped towards the surging water. Her aim was good! She was going to make it!

Then, a roar from above said otherwise.

The dragon was diving with its wings tucked and its mouth open. And it was gaining on her!

“Dammit, why can’t this dragon be a pussy like Spike?” Green Leaf lamented over the rushing air. “He couldn’t even handle a single bowl....”

And that’s when Green was hit with an idea so hard her brains almost shot out her ears. Weed was the answer! Spike had said himself, dragons aren’t known for their high tolerance, and if a single bowl was too much for him, then half a saddlebag should be enough for this joker.

Probably.

Maybe.

Hopefully...

Much to the displeasure of the alarms going off in her head (now taking the form of some sort of raging, flying, monster... thing,) Green opened her left pouch, sending its contents straight up. Her massive bag of weed went with them, flying into the dragon’s open mouth.

Feeling what he must have assumed was brunch hit his tongue, the dragon clamped down on the bag and swallowed.

“Yes!” Green cried victoriously as it pulled away.

Then she hit the water.

An ear-splitting slap echoed across the entire mountain range. It was heard miles away in Ponyville, resounding through the streets much to the confusion of all who were awake to hear it.

Flailing desperately in the rushing water, Green popped out of the stream and gasped for breath. Her whole body ached from the combination skydive/bellyflop, but none of her legs were broken and, more importantly, she was alive! Struggling to keep her aching head above the current, she slowly paddled her way to shore.

“huh...Perfect...huh...” Green gasped as she dragged her exhausted, half-dead self onto the large rocks lining the stream, “Now...uuuuggghh... I just need to get him to breath fire and I'll be home fre- OH SHIT!”

It was coming back again! Tartarus hath no fury like a dragon pissed off.

With only minor hesitation and several swears, Green threw herself back into the coursing river she’d just crawled out of, an instant before orange flames torched the bare shoreline. The cold water around her heated up as the surface turned to steam in the extreme heat, cooling again as she floated away.

Green resurfaced downstream, when she could hold her breath no longer. “I. Hate. Mountains.” She huffed, paddling back to shore. Her whole body ached, and her head was pounding like it was a drum in the hands of an autistic kid. Utterly exhausted, she plopped down on a suddenly very inviting rock, content to lay down, pass out, or die. Whichever came first, really.

Close by, a heavy thud broke through the enclosing fog of fatigue. Using her last reserves of strength, Green cracked an eyelid and was shocked to see the dragon, sitting nearby on the scorched shore. There was no way Green was moving anywhere fast, but thankfully, she was no longer the focus of the his attention.

Sitting on his haunches, he was noticeably swaying and staring at his hands. He giggled the most terrifying giggle ever giggled, and slowly brought his hands to caress his long face. “Woah, my skin is really... baaaad.”

It might have been the crippling pain, or the growing delirium, but Green Leaf found herself laughing out loud. Fucking dragons! All big and bad and shit on the outside, but at their core, they’re friggin’ lightweights!

“Dude... all you need is a bit of moisturizer.” Green wheezed at the baked beast. The good thing about lightweights is that they’re super easy to screw with. “I’m telling you, you could have great skin.”

The dragon blinked his puffy eyes, now almost as red as his scales, though that may have been the beer dissolving his iris’ as much as the drugs. “You really mean it, talking green rock?” He asked, staring down at the wet pony he’d been trying to eat two minutes ago.

“Totally! I know a great dermatology place in Canterlot. It’s on the main street, right by the castle.”

“Durrma... what?” It asked, his stare glossing over and falling on his own tail. He flicked it, giggling again.

She was losing him, Green needed something to sweeten the deal. “There’s a pizza place right next to it.”

That got his attention. “Woooah, pizza! That would go great with the pony I have in my cave!”

And with that, the dragon spread his wings and shakily took to the skies, his forked tongue lolling out the side of a stupid grin. His unnerving giggles followed him as he flew East into the mid-morning sun. He really wasn’t a bad dragon. He just made a bad decision.

By choosing to fuck with Green Leaf!

Green shuddered, suddenly very cold. Her body shook and convulsed and her eyes felt like they’d pop out of her skull any moment. As she finally gave in and passed out, she managed to quietly mutter, “Dude. Canterlot... is West.”

“So, how’s the cold turkey treating ya?”

A snarky voice cut through the darkness.

“B-berry?”

Green whimpered feebly as consciousness returned to her. Along with the feeling of severe pain. She cracked open her eyes, finding herself sprawled out by the mountain river. Further back, standing on a rock above and looking just a little too smug, was the purple mare herself.

“The very same.” she said with a flourish.

“You- you spat out beer to save my life! And here I thought you were actually serious about us not being friends.”

“Whatever do you mean?” Berry replied with mock confusion. “I was gagging on the dragon’s crotchy breath. Didn't you smell it? Absolutely putrid.”

Green smiled through the pain as she attempted to rise, or move at all. “It’s good to see you too. Thanks for doing that for me, friend.” She said, maybe a little pre-emptively. Were they friends again? Was that even a possibility? Green fell back onto her bruised stomach, succumbing to another wave of convulsions. “Seriously though, I think I’m dying.”

Berry rolled her eyes and waved a hoof. “Oh come on, it can’t be that bad.”

“I- I’m cursed, remember! This is what happens when I don’t smoke, and it’s only getting wah-worse!” A fresh wave of pain punctuated the statement, as millions of tiny pickaxes took to her temporal lobe. Why didn't she go with those sharp rocks? Stupid river...

“Right, your ‘curse’. How silly of me to forget.”

“Still don’t believe me? You think I’m f-f-faking this shit?” Green rasped, holding up her trembling hooves for emphasis.

“Well, there is such a thing as withdrawal, you know. And chemical dependency?” Berry countered, climbing unsteadily down the slick rocks. “I’m sure you think it’s real, so... That’s gotta count for something, right?”

“I d-didn’t get pot leaves on my flank from smoking pot as a filly, you know. Doesn't work that way, believe me, I tried it in town the other day.” Green hissed, grinding her teeth as Berry approached. “Don’t get too close, my head it tearing itself apart from the inside out. Things may get... unpleasant.”

“You can barely stand...” Berry stopped, opting to stay back anyway. She sat a few rocks away, watching the green mare slowly lose her mind. The look on her face, it was almost... concerned. “How did you get your cutie mark then?”

“What, seriously? You want to know?” Green asked, earning a noncommittal shrug from Berry. It really is easy to tell when she fakes not-caring. “Awwww, I guess that would make us.... friends?”

“I wouldn’t go that far. At the very least it will keep you occupied until you snap out of... out of whatever you think is wrong with you.”

Green laughed, which became a hacking cough. “Sure thing, friend."

With strenuous effort, she rolled onto her side and began the tale. "So, when I was a k-kid, my Dad was a gardener. I used to help him plant st-stuff sometimes. We moved around a lot back then. Mom's work, transferred her around so much. Huh-he was always having to sss-start over. We’d go somewhere new, he’d spend weeks making our garden amazing, then we’d move again ‘cause Mom said so. They... started fuh-fighting-” She paused to cough some more, hacking a thick wad of lung butter onto the rocks around her. This wasn’t a story she really like to tell, but if it got Berry to re-friend her, it would be worth the unpleasant trip down memory lane.

Despite her attempts at aloofness, the other pony was listening intently. Once her fit passed, Green continued. “S-s-so, one time we move, and Dad doesn’t come with us. I don’t know where he went, but Mom wouldn’t let me see him anymore. He’s still out there somewhere, p-probably..."

“Is... that why you travel around so much?” Berry asked.

Green nodded. “Pretty much. I also tend to get booted out of most places I go.”

“I can’t imagine why.” Quipped Berry. It was nice that things were back to normal between them.

“Anyway, this new house had another empty g-garden, so I tried to plant something by myself. It just didn't, didn't feel right not to have one, ya kn-know? I found some tools and seeds from whoever lived in the house before and did everything I did with Dad, but I was impatient. I over-watered and all the plants d-died. I asked Mom to get more seeds for me, but she basically told me to forget about gardening. We had ‘new lives’ now, and we had to mm-m-move on.”

Berry snorted. “She sounds like a bitch. I can see why you left.”

Green shakily nodded again, but stopped when the action set of an explosion in her head. “Uuuugh, fuck me... B-but yeah. I was totally crushed, but I did as I was told, packing away the tools in the shed I’d found them in. That’s when I found them; in a little baggie stashed behind the toolb-box. More seeds! So, I planted them and made sure to tend to them properly.”

“Let me guess, they were marijuana seeds?”

“I’m sorry, I thought I was the one telling the damn story!” Green snapped, taking a moment to calm down again. “That was the curse talking, my bad. But y-y-yes, it turned out to be we-weed. The plant grew, I got my cutie mark.”

Berry waved off the apology. “Your mother must have been thrilled.”

“Oh, she was almost as bad as that dragon! Not that I c-cared, I did my Dad proud and finally got something to grow, and there was n-n-no way I was letting her take that from me! It wasn’t till I got a bit older that I learned what weed even was, and it wasn’t long after that when I got cursed.” Still shaking, Green glanced back at the matching leaves on her flank. “Weed has a sp-special meaning to me, beyond just getting high. It reminds me of Dad, like I'm following in his hoofsteps or something. It makes me happ-py, and it makes others happy too. It’s just...”

Green paused again, organizing her thoughts was becoming difficult. “It's just this curse. This FUCKING curse. It took away the m-meaning, making sure all ponies see is some loser pothead. This isn’t who I am! I hate this curse! FUCKING HATE IT!” She shouted, drowning out the bubbling stream next to her. Cringing, she held her aching head in her hooves in a pointless effort to make the infernal drumming stop.

Berry sat on her rock in silence, absorbing the tall tale. Green wasn’t sure if the other mare believed her or not, but at this point, she could barely tell where she was.

“What if I said I kind of know where that Fountain is?”

Green snapped opened an eye and glared. “...Wh-wha-what do you mean?”

“I... have a hunch.” Berry replied, scratching the back of her neck. “I didn’t say anything earlier because, well, I may have been mad at you still. I kinda wanted to rip out your tongue and make you watch me lick toilets with it.”

“Oooookay. I forgive you, ya psycho, just t-tell me what you know RIGHT NOW!” Green begged desperately, rolling onto her back and groaning.

“Well, before you turned our map into swiss cheese, I got a good look at it. You don’t still have it do you?”

“Nope. Dragon a-ate it. Keep talking.”

“Right. Well, I looked it over and noticed the fountain seemed to be located at the mouth of a cave, a cave that a little waterfall pours out of.”

Green vaguely remembered seeing a giant snake on the map, but no waterfalls. “Really? S-so, so FUCKING WHAT?!”

Berry stomped. “So what? Did you even look at the map when you cut it to ribbons?”

“J-just get to the point already, you’re literally KILLING me here..”

“The waterfall pours into a river! How many other rivers did you see while you were off playing with that dragon, hmm?”

At least Green didn’t have to worry about giant snakes. “...And, when did you figure this out?”

“Pretty much the second I got down here.” Berry admitted. If she had the strength, Green might have tried to choke her. “ I’m... sorry too, I guess. You did rescue me and all. And I’m really trying not to enjoy how much you are suffering right now.”

“Then w-why are you giggling!”

Berry shrugged, still chuckling to herself. “I might still be a little mad. I was abducted by a dragon because of you.”

“Well congratu-fucking-lations,” with a pained grunt, Green sat herself up, ”now you get to carry my ass all the way up stream.”

That wiped the smile right the fuck off her face. “No way! You’re far too heavy.”

“You carried all that beer around, you can carry me. And stay the fuck away from my tongue!”

“Ugh, I’m not gonna make it.” Green whined over the roaring waterfall, “You were too slow, you slow, lazy, fat-ASS.” It had been a long journey, and she was getting less agreeable with every passing moment.

“You’re the fat-ass!” Berry groaned, carrying the dead weight hanging limply over her back on top of two sets of saddlebags. “When’s the last time you ate something that didn’t come out of a microwave?” With a final grunt, she took the last step up the rocky incline and into the cave.

They had followed the stream into a winding valley, that eventually lead to a hidden cavern, tucked away behind several boulders. The inside was actually quite beautiful, for a dingy hole in the side of a mountain. A shallow pool of water on the ground painted the smooth rock ceiling with dancing lights, before tumbling down into the valley below.

“Shut your... st-stupid face-hole.” Green grumbled back, ignoring the gorgeous surroundings. “Fucking caves...”

“Lighten up, lard-ass, there’s you stupid quick-fix fountain.” Berry said, pointing to the back of the cavern.

There, sitting on a pedestal sticking out of the river water, was an ornate, two-tiered stone fountain. Water spilled over the topmost bowl, down to the second and finally, into its wide, grey basin. The thing looked ancient, but there wasn’t a single crack in its carved stone.

“GIMME!" Green’s eyes went crazy wide as she flopped ungracefully off Berry’s back and into the water. “GIMME GIMME GIMME!” She continued to cry, galloping unevenly towards the stone fountain.

“Oh sure, now you can walk just fine...” Berry said, cracking her back and trotting after the crazed green mare.

Green was hardly listening. She dipped her pounding head into the cool water, resisting the urge to plunge her whole face into it. All she needed was one sip, according to the rhyme, so one sip she took.

Cool, refreshing water dripped down her throat, then....

Nothing.

“It... tastes like water...” Green said after swallowing a mouthful. She drank another, just to be sure.

Yep, still water.

“I don’t wanna say I told you so... but I guess I kind of just did.” Berry said with only a hint of smugness, reaching the fountain behind Green.

“Fucking, shut up for a second, will ya?” Green scowled, still tasting the liquid in her mouth. It tasted like water... but there was something off about it. Maybe something had pissed in it.

“No need to be so dramatic, Greenie. I’m sorry things didn’t work out but a simple, ‘you were right’ will suffice.”

Green held her hooves in front of her. They weren’t shaking anymore.

“Berry, the bells are gone.”

“What bells?” asked Berry, raising an eyebrow.

“The ones inside my head!” Green answered, turning to her friend with barely contained excitement. “I’m... completely fine.”

“You’re... fine?”

“I FUCKIN’ FINE!” Green shouted with joy, unable to restrain herself. “It worked! The curse is gone! I’m- I’m cured!” Laughing like a maniac, she jumped away from the magic fountain and splashing around it with glee. It was like a huge weight had been lifted off her mind. Her body still ached all over, but the demons tormenting the inside of her skull had vanished, just as the book had promised!

“There's no way, I- I don’t believe it.” deadpanned Berry. She looked completely floored, swapping glances at the fountain and the dancing pony who’d been too sick to stand not a minute ago.

“Doesn’t matter what you believe, cause I am stone cold sober and it's never felt better!” Green sang happily. “Those fairy’s can go fuck themselves with q-tips!”

“But... but it was a foal’s story!”

Green stopped dancing and rolled her eyes at her skeptical friend. “Hey, 'The Mare In The Moon' was a foal’s story too. Sometimes reality is stranger than fiction. Or in this case, it’s just as strange.” Returning to the fountain, she took a second to study its undamaged surface. “Let me tell you, I’ve seen some shit in my time, but this is my first magic fountain! Neat-o.”

Berry ran a hoof across the smooth stone surface of the fountain. “I’d say you’re taking this senselessness well, but that seems to be your specialty.”

“You need to learn how to go with the flow, is all.” Green smiled wider than she had in years. She was cured! Now she could live in Ponyville and make friends and everything! The magical water from the heart of the Foal Mountains made her dreams come true, but if it worked for her...“Oh hey, why don’t you take a drink? Now that you know the fountain works, what’s stopping you?”

Berry’s expression did not match the energy of Green’s. She sighed and looked back at the grapes and strawberry on her flanks. “No, I don’t think I will.”.

“What? Why not!”

Looking back, Berry half shrugged. “Drinking... is a part of who I am. It didn’t help me get my cutie mark, but I don’t know who I’d be if I gave it up. What if I’m just this mean, bitchy shut-in who can never unwind? I don’t want to give up part of myself, especially with some enchanted mountain runoff. I’ll bet it’s cancerous.”

“Right, wouldn’t want to risk your health, little miss cirrhosis.” Green joked, though she did sorta understand. She'd used the fountain to restore her sense of identity. If Berry used it, she’d be altering her personality. “Also, you’re already a bitchy shut-in.” Green added.

“Something like that.” Berry said, splashing water at Green, “So, shall we head back to town, friend? I think I know of a little house up for sale, and it’s far enough away from me that I can ignore you when I want to.”

“Ha! Good luck. I’m kinda hard to ignore.” Green replied, her smile broadening at being called Berry’s friend.

“I’ve noticed. Though this outta help me,” Berry reached back into her bag, which was somehow still stocked with awful beer. What she pulled out, however, was not alcoholic dragon-repellant, but a rolled paper spliff. “Oh yeah, I found this when I left the dragon’s cave. I was going to toss it off the mountain once I found you. You know, as torture. Guess that won’t work now.”

“My joint! I must’ve dropped it while I was running for my life.” Green said, taking the banged-up doobie and her saddlebags from Berry. “For a minute there I was worried about walking all the way back to Ponyville without getting high,” she laughed, popping it in her mouth much to Berry’s confusion.

“...I thought you said you were cured.”

Green nodded. “Yeah, from the curse. I don’t need to smoke pot anymore. Doesn’t mean I still don’t want to.”

Berry looked... broken. Like her brain just couldn't process the information presented to it. She was most likely not a robot, but Green’s antics had shut down the boozer’s think-box regardless, and it was taking a moment to restart.

“What? Maybe I don’t want to give up part of who I am either,” Green said, hoping to speed the process. “I’m free from the curse, but my cutie mark is still pot leaves. I’ll want to light up every so often. Or if I have a shitty day.” Digging into her right pouch, Green found her lighter. “Or if I get really bored.”

Berry blinked. That was a good sign. “So... this whole trip. Both of us, almost dying...”

“Was totally worth it! For the first time in a long time, I feel in control of my life. And I think that calls for a celebratory toke!”

Green brought the little flame to her lips and lit the joint; pulling in the sweet blue smoke. It was the sweetest toke she’d taken in years, untainted by any outside influences. It was just her, and the joint. Green thought of her Dad and smiled as the drug did its job. Maybe if she settled down in Ponyville, he would find her one day.

Green trotted to the lip of the cavern and took in the amazing view as she puffed away. Back at the fountain, Berry’s mind came back online and she splashed up behind her.

“Greenie.” She said quietly.

“Mmhmm?” The high pony replied.

“You should probably step away from the waterfall there.”

Green looked down at the short fall into the surging river, then back at the other mare. “Why?”

“Cause I am seriously considering shoving you off it.”

“...I’ll consider the warning a sign of our friendship.” Green laughed, stepping away and locking Berry in a wet hug. “Now let’s blow this popsicle stand and get home!”

Green released the shellshocked drunk and stepped back to the ledge, looking for a way down. She heard movement behind her and found Berry standing a little too close.

“I wasn’t joking...”

“And thasht the story of how the stoner, became not a shtoner, who is still a stoner. Yippeee.”

“Huh yep, that’s the story of how I came to live in this backwater paradise.”

“But... I’m confushed. Who were you telling it to?”

“I was... uhh. I don’t remember. I told Pinkie I wanted my spread my adventure or whatever, and she did some...thing, told me to talk away, and then she left. You think it worked?”

“I think... I think this party got lame. Everypony ish gone, and I’m good and shit-fhased. Whaddya say, feel like helping me stumble home?”

“ Uuuuh, Berry? Isn't this- we're in your house.”

“Oh. Cool, so I can just pass out anywhere. And I don’t have to feel bad about puking in that plant.”

“You’re a classy lady.”

“Damn shkippy. And what about you? Think you’ll actually stick around this shit-hole town?”

“I kinda have to, you’d miss me if I left.”

“I’d miss you like the rash on my butt.”

“I still think you should get that looked at.”

“What about the thing with the thing? And the thing were you did the other thing...”

“Uhhhh, I’m guessing you mean the whole Cutie Mark Crusader and Twilight's library things?”

“Yuss, I didn’t know you spoke drunk.”

“I speak stoned, it’s derived from drunk.”

“Whatever. You shuldn’t drink and derive, you know. But like, everything is cool now?”

“Weeeell, more or less. Like, I did say I’m sorry to Applejack, Rarity and Twilight. I even joined the search party to find Scootaloo. She-pffff- she’d been living in a chicken coop for like, a whole week!”

“Like that filly needed more emotional damage.”

“Hey, if I can get my shit together, I’m sure she’ll be okay.”

“Unless she develops schizo- shitzo- oh fuck it, I’m going to bed. You crashing here?”

“Naw, I’ll head home. I start working at Rose’s shop tomorrow so I want to be presentable.”

“You? Presentable?”

“Shut up, I clean up well.”

“Sure you do. I guess I’m surprised you’re so enthusi-ashtatic about it.”

“Well, I’ve always enjoyed growing pot... You can’t smoke roses, but they do make for great snacks. Plus it’s kinda like getting back to my roots, if ya know what I mean.”

“...I’m too drunk to make fun of your crappy puns. That means it’s bedtime.”

“Right, it’s late. I should go. See you after work?”

“Shhure, just... I’m also too drunk to... stairs. Help me up to my room?”

“Oooooh fine. But only ‘cause we’re friends.”

“Yeah, right frinds. Oh, and remind me tomorrow, cashe i’ll forget. I... owe you twenty bits.”

“...Cloudchaser?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it.”

Author's Note

All done! This was soooo much fun to write that I'm probably not going to stop. This part is done, but I may be adding more tales of Green's adventure's in Ponyville.