Escapades & Equines

by ROTHY

Rating: teen
Tags: Alternate Universe, Human, Main 6, Applejack, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Cutie Mark Crusaders, Adventure
Length: 6310

"You know how people say life is a river? Well I like to think of it as a sunny beach... that just got hit with a tidal wave. And you know what? I'm okay with that. It just makes life more fun. This is my story of my adventures in Equestria

Leon Blackell, magic user, lives in his own version of reality, living life without a care. With his bodyguard and his dog, he finds himself left to his own device in Equestria. Is this good? Is this bad? Who knows, he certainly doesn't care.

Published 2013-06-29 01:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-29 03:05:51 UTC

Chapter 1

Chapter 1

“Meeting new people always makes me hungry.” C. Fhtagn

“Total slaughter, Total slaughters I won’t leave a single man alive. La de dies genocide, la de die an ocean of blood.”

This truly official song rang out through the small field. Along the edge of the ceiling under an old oak tree next to a cook fire were three figures, two of the three were moving, the other one was just standing there unmoving. One would think it was a statue were it not for the sickly blue gray skin barely visible under the thick wool hood. The first of the two mobile figures were a young looking man dress a dirt black robe with glints of silver trim, second was canine also funnily “dressed” in a similar color cloak and color and a classy black spike.

“Well it’s not that bad…” the man laughed inwardly, “Okay, it’s pretty bad. What do you want from me, I like dark things. Oh, you may be thing who I am. That’s a good question. I am Leon Blackell, but you can just call me Leon. The walking stiff… well, he’s Dirge, and he is a walking stiff. He’s dead. And not dead.” *sigh* “Well okay, he’s a death knight and he works for me. You know, permanently, as in if I die then he gets the pink slip. And that one,” He said, gesturing to the dog now chewing on a newly fond stick. “That’s Spike, my useless dog, but damn it, do I love him. What? You want to know what happened to me? Well its get to be a long story. You’re ok with that then? I’m going to start at the very beginning. What? No? Heh, too bad.”

“There I was, minding my own business, not a care in the world. A simple life- and you’re not buying any of this, are you? I guess we can skip most of this. Blah blah adventuring blah inner peace blah blah asparagus blah Deck of Many Things blah blah. Too succinct? What are you talking about? The truth? Fine. I was walking down the path from my old homebase. I was going out to get some components and food for the dog. When…

Bam! Suddenly, I doubled over in pain as if someone had sucker punched me in the gut, as I tried to hold back my last meal from leaving me for my feet. My eyes grew watery, I had to fight them back to keep my tears from streaming down my face; I was winning. Then, it was if the world had suddenly grown a mouth and swallowed me whole. I had the feeling of falling backwards, but I hadn’t lost my footing. Down into the dark I was falling. Down, down, down it like minutes… no, hours… no, days… or was it a blink of the eye? I did not know. But then a sickening “THWAM!” sounded as my head made contact with the ground. Before blacking out, I saw three blurry, bizarre, and quickly blackening faces over me: an orange one, a yellow one, and a white one, then black.

“What are they? And what’s with those bags, and those sticks?” asked a tomboyish voice.

“That one’s a dog. But the other one … I have no idea.” Replied a soothing female voice

“It’s a MONSTER,” Barked a panicked, youthful, southern accent, “Grab it!”

“Ow, ow, ow, ow!’ I said in a low voice. I tried to feel the spot where my head made contact with the ground, but found my each of my hands were bound apart. I snapped my eyes open, and I saw nothing, well nothing but black. It was at this time, I realized, I was not lying on the ground, but sitting upright on the floor. Now fear was starting to creep in to my mind. I tried to reach my other hand, but the same. Then I remembered my friend, my one last friend in the world. “Spike!” I called out, “Where are you? Spike, come!” I said in a loud, commanding call to my friend. “Damn it, if you lay one hand on him, HIM, I will kill you!” anger seeping out of my threat. An empty threat.

“Hand, what the hay is hand?” the southern youth replied, full of questions.

“Huh, are you stupid or something? You know, the things at the ends of your arms.” I said back like the smart-ass I, knowing full well I could get into even deeper trouble with this. I knew it was a stupid move on my part, but words were my only weapons at this point. “Or are you so inbred that you have no hands?” I threw out another insult.

“Inbred? Why you no good, dirty monster!” The now angry southern youth said back.

“No wait, stop Applebloom!” This was the soothing voice again. I couldn’t quite place it, but it had a singer-like quality to it. It sounded as if she was trying to hold her cohort back.

“Yes, did I hear someone call me?” This time a young male voice called out and what followed was what seemed like footsteps moving up a flight of stairs.

Wait… that didn’t seem right somehow; I was outside when I when blacked out. Did these people drag me somewhere to do this to me? My mind immediately thought the worst. Were they going to rob me, or worse, kill me? I had to push that thought out of my head, thinking like that would really kill me.

“Oh my Celestia, what have you three done this time?” A male voice said, with shock in his tone.

“What is it Spike?” called up yet another voice. This time, it was a cheerful and older sounding female voice.

“Um… you should come and see what your number one apprentice did this time, Twi.” the male voice said again.

Spike? Was it a nickname or something? It had to be a thug of some kind, a young thug, but a thug nonetheless. Wait… apprentice?

“Oh?” The new female questioned, accompanied with the odd sound of hooves clopping up the stairs. “Oh my sweet Celestia! Sweetie Belle, what did you do?”

“CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MONSTER HUNTERS, YAY!” a deafening, but proud cheer erupted from all three of the young females.

At this, I felt a warm, heavy, hairy, wet, drooling, but most of all happy, impact hit my side. “OOF! Dumb dog.” I muttered not meaning a word of it.

“What IS it?” the older female yelled.

“We don’t know.” the soothing female stated.

“Did you look it up? Did you research it? Did you-“

“Ask him?” the young male interrupted. There was a pause. “He said my name.” he said in a flat statement.

Sighing, I regained my composure, feeling no threat from the only sensible figure in the room, I said “Are you going to let me go now, or do you have more pointless questions for me?”

“No, you’re a monster!” cried the bold, tomboyish female.

“Yes, he is, but he asked nicely, therefore he can’t as mean as you make him out to be.” the calm older female replied.
After a moment or two, I was freed from my bond and I could see. Blinking a few times to see my new surroundings, I perceived four pastel colored ponies and a purple lizard.

“What.” Was this some kind of elaborate joke played on me? Was I at the mascot convention? No… they were far too real looking.

“I am Twilight Sparkle, Princess Celestia’s number one student; this is my number one assistant, Spike.” the biggest of the four ponies gestured to the lizard. She appeared to have a coat colored entirely purple; her mane was a dark blue with two separate highlights, one being a slightly darker color than her coat, the other was pink. Yet, the colors seemed natural; no dyes seemed to be involved. Her eyes were big pools of violet that always seemed to ask the questions of “Why? Who? How come?” Parting her hair, dead center of her forehead, was a horn, but that didn’t seem as weird as the fact that there was a pony standing there talking to me. I mean I know what unicorns and pegasi are but never know they were this colorful and vocal.

The small lizard’s main body consisted of purple scales and green spines on his cheeks and back with a light green scaled underbelly. His eyes were an emerald forest green with small black slits on them, like a cat’s, but still reptilian in nature. I would say it was a kobold, but something was off it had some pride for one more like a dragon.

“The three fillies over there,” gesturing with her other hoof, “are Scootaloo, Sweetie Belle, and Applebloom.” The three fillies were in order of her descriptions, a small orange winged pony or with a hot pink mane and tail and light purple eyes, her wings were flapping frantically, but she wasn’t leaving the ground; next was a white marble colored pony with a curly split colored mane with pink and purple in it, and just above her emerald eyes, there was a horn; last, a yellow filly with a fluffy pinkish-red mane and orange eyes, and most adorably, a well-placed pink bow lay atop her head.

“Are you the hero?” Sweetie Belle asked in an inquisitive tone.

But before I could form the words to reply to this new question, Scootaloo cut me off.

“Where did you come from?”

Before I could reply to that question, I was cut off again, this time by Twilight. “Girls, I’ll ask the questions here.” She said in a stern manner, “First off, who are you?”

“My name?“ I responded hesitantly, she nodded back courteously. In an indulgent tone, I replied, “I am known as Valentinez Alkalinella Xifax Sicidabohertz Gumbigobilla Blue Stradivari Talentrent Pierre Andry Charton-Haymoss Ivanovici Baldeus George Doitzel Kaiser III… naw, just fooling,” I grinned, looking at her surprised face. “I’m really Leon Blackell, but I just go by Leon.” Now getting to my feet and standing to my full height of 6’2”. Dusting myself off, I towered over these little ponies. My faithful companion, Spike, was a completely loyal, yet utterly worthless in defense. But you could never ask for a better friend than him, always willing to listen, always there at your side. He was a glorious looking big black lab.

As I continued to dust myself off, checking to see if I was mostly still intact, my robes were still intact. Upon my face, a short neatly patch of beard, with an average looking face, vibrant blue eyes, and dirty blond hair that was slowly glowing lighter from the extended time outside. Looking around, I found my bush hat lying on the ground next to my bag. I firmly placed it on my head and pulled the front brim down slightly. My weapons were laid out neatly in a corner of the room.

“So, Leon… what are you?” Twilight asked.

“Hey you seem to be asking an awful lot of questions right now, when do I get to ask some? Umm, other than the one I just said.”

“We’ll get to that, just answer the question.”

“Let’s see… I’d guess you’d say I’m a human, kind of like an evolved primate?” I said while petting the top of my Spike’s head.

“A sentient ape?” She said. It wasn’t a question, it was more like, intrigued. “Alright, then we need to inform the Princess of your arrival.”

As soon as she said this, the draconic-like lizard had grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill.

“Spike, write a letter to the Princess immediately, tell her there is an urgent matter that requires her attention at the Ponyville Library.”

No sooner had she said this, Spike had already written the letter and seemed to have breathed green flames onto the parchment. It disintegrated in a cloud of smoke with little flits of sparkling green embers.

“Well, now that’s done, the Princess should get the letter momentarily.” Twilight said.

“Well, it’s not like this hasn’t fun. Thanks for giving me head trauma and tying me up, but I have to be going now.” I went for my bag and my walking stick, “Let’s go Spike.” I said with a hand gesture. Spike followed (My Spike) behind me as I walked to the stairs. Before I could make the first step, Twilight called out, “Stop where are you going?”

I looked over my shoulder and gave her a look of ‘why?’ “What? Why?” I asked

“You have to stay for the Princess’s response.” Twilight said with concern in her voice.

“This is so obviously a dream, there is no way this could be real, I mean, just look at you, you’re a little purple pony!” I laughed. “I don’t see any reason to stick around just so I can have tea and cookies with some pony princess!”

Just before she could shout out a response, there was loud uproar coming from outside. The sound seemed to grow louder as it crept though the wall; it was like an echo followed by a stomp. The sound made the windows shudder.
“What was that?” asked Applebloom.

An oddly simple statement came from Twilight. “I don’t know.”

Just then, I said “Let’s go see then.” with a smile on my face like someone who liked to cause trouble. “What? Where are you going?” Twilight yelled. “To find out what’s going on in my dream.” I yelled back as I ran down the stairs onto the main floor landing. Then with that, I looked around, all I saw were walls covered in books. “This must be a library.” I thought to myself. I raced to the door and looked at it. It was clearly built exclusively for those ponies. I sighed, then ducked down and walked through the door. Now out in the street I look about for the source of the commotion.

I could not see anyone around. Then I noticed a red hot light coming from around the corner of a building. Then I saw seven long, twisted, red hot, burning fingers grasping the corner of the wall. When the thing grasped the wall, I saw it burst into flames with the flames licking at its hand; then a very sinister snake-like face smiling as it peered around behind the wall. It had a box-like muzzle tapering to a near point, but still flat at the front; it’s eyes were like that of nothingness between the stars, light with nothing between the void. It flicked out its long pointed tongue, tasting the air as if it was a snake; the tongue was black with slow red pulsating veins. But before I could see the creature’s entirety, I hid behind the… tree house library thing.

“Oh good a fight, Spike stay!” with one hand telling him to not move, and throwing my bag next to him grabbing one my staff.

Author's Note

ROTHY
This isn't actually my idea, this is my brother's. I personally help with editing and brainstorming. Was it fun? Yes.

ROTHY's big brony (Zig)
Well here I go it with my big story, and in case you couldn’t tell I ‘m a fan of a certain anime involving a red trench coat. If you are confused by the quote at the beginning, it’s in the style of the quotes at the beginning of every chapter in Robert Asprin’s Myth Adventures series.

"Remember to keep an open mind but not so open your brain falls out." - Zig

Chapter 2

Chapter 2

“Less talk, more rock.” M. Gandhi

“And so there I was face to face with the monster roaming the side streets, Okay, it had its back to me, but you get the idea. Mm what was it? Um I think it’s called a salamander. I don’t recall, my schooling was more on nonconventional things. Not dungeoneering. Oh what did I do…” He gave a wolfish grin, “Oh I think we both know the answer to that question. Uh um the salamander had the face of red dragon. What? That’s not racist. Is not. Look, do you want me to tell you what happen or not? Okay then. It had a torso like me, you know.” He started wiggling his arms for emphasis. “And below that, a long snake tail with spines going down its back.”

A dimly red hued light came off the snake monster, making the shadows climbing the walls of the side streets look like growing weeds along an old road swaying in the wind. The alleys were about two arm lengths wide. Various bits of trash littered the ground; with a light wind whipping through and picking up some lose dirt and taking it just a few feet away. The ground under the Salamander started to cook and heat up.

“Ssso looksss like my next meal had come to me. Hesss hesss.” the Salamander’s shoulders shook ever so noticeably and its tail whipped the earth.

“Nah, but I am thinking you’ll make a good hide, and it’ll sell well.” I said, through a confident smile.

That’s when it the monster spun around quicker then I expected, and got in a solid jab with the javelin. “Wait, I didn’t say it had a weapon on it… oh and it had a javelin in one hand and a bag slung over its shoulder.”

The jagged tip of the weapon sliced through the air and into the right shoulder of the robe. It cut lower than that in the flesh covered by the cloth. As the weapon was wrenched back, I skillfully twisted cutting deeper. A light shower of red flowed into the spaces between monster with a snake features and the monster that looked like a bald monkey.

I heard the sound of hooves come rushing up behind me. I didn't look back as I shoved a hand back and shouted. “Stay back!” I said looking down at the newest opening on my body, just a fair amount of blood trickled down my arm, soaking the sleeve of the robes. “So this is not a dream after all.”

“No, that's what I was try to tell you!” called out Twilight, sounding panicked.

“It’s going to kill him!” cried out Sweetie Belle, her voice cracking with tears not far behind her voice.

“Do something Twilight! Save him!” said Scootaloo.

I started by clenching my left hand then opening it slowly, then clapping both hands together, then pulling them apart, followed by flourish of rapid hand gestures. Black sparks coalesced around my left hand which was now formed into a fist. Then in a small flash, my hand up to the wrist looked to have been set ablaze with black flame that seemed to dissipate into short wisps of equal blackness. “Open wide.” I said with a shout, letting loose a beam of black light. Beams of energy hit their target squarely in the chest, causing the salamander to slide quite a ways away back.

Clutching at its newly received wound, hissing in pain, the salamander shrieked “You’ll pay! I’ll make you pay!”, its hissing sounded more like water hitting a hot stone then a snake now. It lifted it hand for the injury, showing an 8 inch scorch mark. No blood, just black on glowing red scales.

“No way…” said a breathless Twilight, “How can you use spells with no horn?”

“I thought only unicorns could use magic.” said Sweetie Belle.

I repeated the same hand motions once more, this time the beam of energy shot right into the scaled beast’s face.
An unbearable wail came from the salamander. Everyone within ear shot covered their ears to safeguard themselves from the painful noises. This time the injury dealt by the newly discovered spell caster did a severe amount of damage to the beast; its whole face was singed black and its right eye was gone.

“Ha ha! Next tim- glu-” my words were cut off by burning hot scales being pressed onto the skin of my face.

“Let’s just say I have a very high pain threshold. The beast was out cold, in a matter of speaking.”

“Get it off!” I said, or tried to say, it came out more as arms flailing and legs kicking. I couldn't move my head out of risk of being more badly burned, but even if I wanted to, I couldn't because I was completely pinned.

“Twilight, what in tarnation is that thing?” another southern female said, this one sounding similar to Apple Bloom, but older.

“You mean the burning thing, or the thing under the burning thing?” Spike the dragon said.

“The one on top is a salamander.” Twilight astutely said, “And that’s a human.” Spike cut in pointing at me.

“Hueman?” the southern female parroted. The heat from the salamander's was beginning to rise to an uncomfortable degree. I could also smell something burning that wasn't me.

“Shouldn’t we be getting that monster off him?” pointed out Apple Bloom.

“Oh shoot, you’re right!” Clamored the stunned mare.

A sharp whistle cut through the air followed by “Rainbow, fire!” At first, nothing, then a sudden torrential downpour of water drenched my body and the salamander. The flaming body of the creature sizzled until its skin cracked, crumpled, and shattered, leaving a pile of char and a small red-gold glowing, cinder lizard in its place. A salamander born anew. I slowly tried to get back up, and I felt two, maybe three, of my ribs cracked. Getting to my knees, coughing up a small cloud of soot, and grabbing my shoulder, I struggled to my feet. I walked back to my backpack, my hand outstretched. “I smell bread.” Fwump, I fell face first into dirt. The last thing I felt before blacking out was my dog licking my hand in comfort. “Good boy.” I slurred into the ground.

“Is it dead?” Rainbow Dash asked.

“I don’t reckon.” Applejack said.

“Well he’s still breathing. He probably passed out from that blow his head took when the salamander fell on top of him.” Twilight gathered. “But he’s burnt and bleeding badly. His body has suffered a lot of trauma. He needs medical attention.”

“And some new robes!” Sweetie Belle chimed in. Twilight and Applejack both looked at the robes and saw that they were split right down the middle

“Okay then, I’ll fly him over to Fluttershy’s place.” Rainbow Dash confidently said as she lifted Leon onto her back.

“We’ll meet you there.” Twilight said as she went for the backpack, “Applejack, take care of Spike.”

“What?” Spike the dragon said, “Why can’t I come?”

“Not you, the dog.”

“Can do.” Applejack said, moving towards the dog.

“What about us?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Yeah, why can’t we help?” Scootaloo interjected.

Twilight sighed, “You three have caused enough chaos today. Just go home, we’ll talk later.”

“Okay.” All three fillies said as their faces fell.

As the other ponies left, an idea came to Sweetie Belle. “Girls, why don’t we try doing something nice for him when he gets better?” “You know, that’s a great idea!” Apple Bloom said her, mood lifting. All three rushed off, with Scootaloo at the front.

Author's Note

Zig
Sorry I couldn't get this out sooner, I had a busy weekend.

Chapter 3

Chapter 3
“Kids are cruel, and I am very in touch with my inner child.” S. Freud

“What are these things?” Rainbow Dash asked, puzzled by the assortment of steel and wood on the table. Looking over the strange items removed from the creature that was now sleeping on Fluttershy’s couch just a few feet away, on the surface of her table there was: a small pouch containing roughly a hundred gold and silver coins, but not anything like bits, an eerily leather-bound book with diagrams, both magical and medical, rations consisting of old thick bread loafs and a few random vegetables (which may have been older than the bread), what appeared to be a chef’s knife attached to a long chain, and a butcher’s cleaver also attached to a chain. The knife itself was in good to fair condition, though it was well worn, but well maintained. The cleaver was in the same condition as the knife. The chains were bound to the forearms of the strange creature before their removal. A sheathed metal blade resonating a faint magical aura, one of power, Twilight deduced, was idly propped against the table. A pair of boots that appeared to be well traveled in was also amongst the inventory, though on closer inspection, there was a hallow compartment in the bottom of the right heel that contained a vial containing what looked like smoke. One of the strangest items out of all the strangeness was an orb with a storm raging within its transparent walls.

“I’m not sure about much of this stuff, but this appears to be a spell book.” Twilight said, cracking open the tome’s pages with her magic. “Careful now Twi, we don’t know what any of this is for certain. For all we know, it could be dangerous! Heck, it- he, could be dangerous!” Applejack cautioned. “How can he be dangerous when he has such a sweet dog?” Fluttershy said, receiving a friendly lick from said dog. She gave him a pat on the head, chuckling. “I don’t know. Must be some real tough sonuvabuck to take a walloping from that monster… and AJ.” Rainbow said, rolling the orb between her hooves. Spike bit into one of the coins. “Well, these aren’t fake, but I’ve never heard of where this was minted.” ‘In the hands of The Legion of Underash’ one side read, the other side said ‘May this pass through many hands’ which was cast into four quadrants in an X shape. “Wait, you can read that? Let me see.” Twilight looked up from the book. “Well, duh, it’s written in basic Equestrian.” Spike said, holding up the coin to her. “That’s weird; this book looks like it was written in a totally different language!” Twilight said, holding up her current page in the book, illegible scrawlings covering the sheets. “It’s like two different authors wrote in the same book!”

“Well, maybe he’s a magic user, Twilight, you saw that stuff shooting out from his claws.” Spike said. “I know what I saw, Spike, but magic doesn’t work that way!” Twilight said in an honestly confused voice. Fluttershy spoke up, “There’s a lot of magical creatures out there, Twilight. Timberwolves, mountain lions, cockatrices, bastilisks, and even the occasional tree can be magical. They don’t use the same sort of magic we do.” This was surprising, hearing encyclopedic knowledge from her quiet friend. She was the animal expert, after all. “That’s a good theory there, Fluttershy, but if he’s a magic user, why’s he got all these weapons?” Rainbow said as she pointed out the arsenal he had. “And besides, did you see all those scars on it- his body? And I’m not just talking about the new one Fluttershy just patched up; he looks like he’s been in a fight or two.” “Or three or four.” Applejack retorted, “And that’s why I don’t think we should be messing with his stuff.” She said, slamming a hoof on the table. “Chill out, AJ,” Rainbow said, setting down the orb on the edge of the table. She placed a hoof around her friend, “What’s the worst he could do?” As soon as she said this, a low moaning came from the figure lying on the couch. “Noooooo, I said pancakes, not muffins!”

After all five turned and looked at the new being, AJ broke the silence, “He’s stirring, let’s get rid of him now. C’mon, Shy, you know how dangerous sleeping critters can be! Let’s put him in the Everfree and we let him be.” “No, he’s not from here!” Twilight interjected. “Besides, he’s injured.” Fluttershy said, pointing at the exposed pale chest of her newest patient. They had thoroughly disrobed him down to his skivvies, being modest, as they themselves rarely wore clothes, but a creature that wore as much clothing as him, well they didn’t want to be rude.

“Twi, you should still get out one of those fancy spells of yours ready just in case.” Applejack stated. “Applejack, you’re stressing yourself out, relax.” Dash said. Applejack snorted with the echoing sound of her hoof slamming on the table. “Don’t tell me to-“ She was cut off by the shattering of glass hitting the floor.

“Oooooh, shoot.” Applejack muttered as the storm cloud seeped through the cracks of the former orb.

“What did you break?” An obviously older male voice behind them said. “And why am I in my underwear?”

The five of them jumped in surprise, turning to look at the new voice in the conversation. A 6’2”, partially clothed pale bipedal hominid glowered down at them while scratching his head.

“Oh no, oh no, oh no, oh no!” Twilight stammered, “Not good!” “And this is why we don’t mess with things when we don’t know what they are!” shouted Applejack to a sheepish Rainbow. “Sorry.” Dash said. “What did he call himself? A hyooman?” Twilight thought to herself. The creature walked over to the table and scooped up the orb with one claw. “Well, you didn’t break it. You just knicked it.” He rapidly switched his tone to a more growling one as he jabbed one of his pale claws at the group. “You’re still lucky! This could have been far worse than just a crack!”

The whole group stood there on bated breath, waiting to see what the human would do next. “Where are my robes?” he snapped. “Um, Mr… Hughman?” Fluttershy squeaked through her pink mane. The pale beast shifted his gaze to her. “Um, your robes were badly burned. They’re over there,” she said, pointing her hoof to a small basket containing a pile of charred cloth, “but I don’t think you’d want them. Oh, I mean, if that’s what you want.” An abrupt snicker came from the human, which quickly rolled into uproarious laughter. “Well, it’s about time I got some new robes!” His laughter died down, everypony looked at each other, a tad unnerved. “But seriously, I need something warm.” “Oh, one second!” Fluttershy said, retreating from the room and returning with a heavy quilted blanket. “I guess this will work for now.” He said, draping the blanket around him. “Thank you, uh, miss...” “Fluttershy.” She said, introducing herself.

“So, no hard feelings, right?” Rainbow asked. “Well, you did completely remove all my gear without asking me.” He flatly responded. “But seeing how nothing is really damaged or taken…” he said, casting an eye over the table, “You’re okay.” “Cool, great to hear it!” Rainbow ecstatically replied, giving him a heavy pat on the back.

The human stumbled forward, tripping on the blanket and sliding on top of the table. Everything from the book to the coins to the partially rotten food scattered to the four corners of Fluttershy’s house. The orb he was so delicately holding onto flew out and crashed onto the floor. The glass evaporated and a small pillar of smoke came rising up.

Out of the pillar of smoke, an eight foot something humanoid figure emerged. The room now was nearly filled to capacity. Twilight, Spike, the dog, Applejack, Fluttershy, Rainbow Dash, the human, and in the center of it all was the hulking figure, clad from shoulder to boot in dark cladded steel. His skin tone was nearly as grey as his armor. His face was very gaunt, but also very muscular. With eyes that had no discernible eye color. A short mess of black hair sat atop the behemoth’s head.

Without a word, the new arrival snatched at Rainbow. She was so stunned by this action, she barely dodged, and very quickly she retaliated by kicking her two hind legs in his face. He didn’t even budge. This was followed up by the Applejack swiftly kicking into the bulk of the newcomer. Nothing. This time, he swiped at her, catching her by her left hind leg. He held his arm straight out, letting her hang there. “A little help’d be mighty appreciated!” she yelled. The big guy reared his free arm back, balling his hand into a fist. His intentions were clear, he was going to turn this cute pony into a pile of not-so-cute pony guts.

A purple nimbus of magical energy enveloped the giant and without a word, he was immediately pacified. Twilight drew a heavy sigh of relief to steady her heartbeat. The human’s head lowered as he scratched the back of his head in an almost thoughtful way, and he said, “Well, now I don’t have to introduce Dirge to you.” “What do we do with him?” Twilight said in between breaths. “I don’t know, put him outside if you have to!” he shrugged. Opening the door, Twilight lead the giant outside, the only sound being the creaking of the floor boards straining under his weight and the scraping of the steel of his armor. He was so tall, he had to brace the door frame and duck under to squeeze out. “Hey, I noticed you had that spell ready awfully quickly.” The human commended. “Well, I was going to use it on you…” Twilight said bluntly. “And- you were going to what?!” He yelled incredulously. “You are an unknown variable! And unpredictable!” Twilight replied. He looked like he was about to say something, stopped, and said, “Fair enough.”

“Anyway, what was that?” Twilight asked. “That was Dirge, my, uh, ‘bodyguard’.” he sighed, “Sorry for the rough treatment.” He directed his apology at Applejack. This earned him an angry, but curt nod. “Your bodyguard?” Twilight parroted. “Uh, sorry about breaking your ball.” Rainbow Dash muttered. “And you are?” “I’m Rainbow Dash.” She said puffing her chest out. “Well I hope you’re proud of yourself. Now I have to put up with that oaf. Seriously, he’s worse than the dog. Wait scratch that, he at least takes orders somewhat well.” “You call him Dirge? As in a mournful song in honor of the dead?” “Mmmhm, that’s right.” He said as he gathered his things from the table, not even looking at her. “See, he’s not alive anymore. Quite literally a body that guards.” The air in the room felt as though it had been sucked out. A disbelieving “What.” came from all except Twilight. “That’s sick!” Twilight spat. “How can you desecrate another creature’s body with such little respect?” He turned to give her a stern look. “Listen, you know nothing about who I am or what I am or what kind of life I live! I will do as I please. I live for me and mine, and that doesn’t include you unless I conjugate you into it.” Taking a step back, reeling from his gaze, “S-sorry.” She stammered. “Now, we can start over, or I can leave. I appreciate you taking care of me, but if my presence isn’t welcome here, I’ll be gone.” “Wait, don’t go! I have so many questions! Like, why is your book look like it was written by two different people? And what was that you did to that salamander? And-” He interrupted her by clamping a claw around her muzzle. “Alright, I get it! I get it.” Gesturing to a cushion, they all sat down.

With everyone gathered around the table, seated on cushions, Twilight began, “Alright, first things first, introductions.” “I’m Applejack,” Applejack said. “And you already met Rainbow and Fluttershy.” Twilight said. “I am Leon Blackell, and this is Spike.” Leon gestured at the curled up ball of dog at his side, his hand slowly petting his head. “And you met ‘Lurch’.” He said, moving two of the digits on his claws in unison with each other. “Wait, Spike?” asked Applejack. “No way! What are the odds?” Rainbow guffawed. The dragon was sitting parallel to the dog. “And what a great name! Glad you picked it!” “Ain’t that going to be a tad bit confusing?” Applejack asked. “Just call him BK, for Black Spike!” Spike suggested. Leon looked at his dog, and said in a flat tone, “I don’t think he cares.”

Just then, a trio of screams came from outside. It was Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Sweetie Belle. Sweetie Belle had a little saddle bag with something bulging out of it. They were screaming at Dirge, who was standing in Fluttershy’s flower bed. Racing to the door, Twilight made sure Dirge was still doing nothing before saying, “Don’t worry about him, just come inside and we’ll explain everything.”

“… And that’s all you need to know right now.” Leon said to Pinkie Pie and Rarity. “Oooh, I should show you around Ponyville!” Pinkie said, practically bouncing off the couch. “But first things first, we need to give you what we came here for!” Sweetie Belle chimed in, opening her saddle bags. She pulled out a set of robes. The most gaudy, poorly put together, lacy, hodgepodge set of robes ever. There was also a little simple black bowler hat. Leon stared at the outfit for a long time. Sweetie Belle was anticipating his reaction. “Well, what do you think? I made it myself!” Sweetie Belle grinned. It took Leon a bit to reply, “Well, it’s very colorful, but not in a good way, the patches barely seem to be sewn on, and it’s too small.” Sweetie Belle looked crestfallen at the criticism. “But it does have this little hat, and I’m a sucker for little hats.” Sweetie perked up immediately.