It was a casually cliché sunny Day in ponyville.... thats what I would say, but that’s to cliché for these types of stories. so to break away from the clichés of modern cliché writing I shall begin the Communist Russian way, with a plethora of explosions and forceful threats to your mother.
THE BEGINNING!!!!!!
Once upon a time there lived a purplish... lavenderish.... uh.... she was a unicorn. By any other name just as sweet. though in this case not so, for she was accursed with the celestia forsaken name that brought much pleasure to young children and mentally deranged teenagers who fancied sparkly vampires. yes, the name we all dread to hear. the name that must not ever be spoken, or written for that matter.... For this very reason we shall call her Bill, Bob the Bill.
Bob awoke from her deep intense dreams of covering her #2 assistant spike from head to toe with chocolate syrup, and shoving her #4 assistant (Penny the Razor Sharp Pencil) deep in his pert ass hole. She felt as though she could conquer the day. that is, conker her bad fur day. But all her dreams of brushie brushieing her mane were halted at the sight before her. For in her sight.... that was before her... was none other than the most beautiful thing she had ever laid her balls on.
It was a package, but no ordinary package! for this package was the most beautiful, gorgeous, splenderificly large package she had ever seen! A package uncomparable to any others! For this package was yellow, but that wasn’t what made it so special! NO!!! It was what laid inside the tight confines of the package that made it so! For within this Sallow package lied her true love!!! A love that could not be described by any mortal words... The Elder Gods however had a word for such a love of a package! they called it being a “whore”, A term later coined by the human race nearing the end of the rule on Earth.
But all that mattered not to the unihorny pony. For the package before her proved too tempting! She began to assault the package in every way possible, tearing it limb from metaphorical limb. Eventually she came to the core of the present, but this core was definitely no core! But a companion! A companion by no other name than, Companion Cube! This however Appeared a rather too simple and perfectly precise term of specification to be a proper name, so let’s just call him Marley.
Bob could never have felt any happier than she was now with marley. Bob and Marley together forever she knew! Of course such a marvelous package had to come from somewhere (all the puns intended). And deep in the dark recesses of Bobs mind, she knew for no apparent reason that this was the dictator of all Equestrias doing.
This Dictator is known by many a name, “Celestia the Destroyer”, “The Conqueror of All Seven Worlds”, “The Immortal Sun Goddess”, “The Voice of Eternal Life And Beauty”, “Luna’s Sister”, “That Crazy Bitch Who Killed Her Sister Because She Was Referred To As "Luna's Sister"....” “That Psycho Bitch Who killed The Mare Who Called Her "That Crazy Bitch Who Killed Her Sister Because She Was Referred To As "Luna's Sister""...” And let’s not forget... “That Crazy Bitch Who You Better Not Call A Crazy Bitch Unless You’re Looking To Be Eternally Suffocated On The Moon”. although I choose to call her by the name she was given to by the Elder God Glados, “Free Same Day Delivery”.
Unbeknownst to Bob the Bill and her new companion Marly however, Free Same Day Delivery was not the perpetrator of this said package pluckery*. Instead, said perpetrator lay hidden in the metaphysical bowls of the home tree of bills establishment.
*Pluckery - A term frapitulated* from the “elder” elder gods, that stems from their word pluckentarus meaning strong, unwilling, forceful, abrasive. the words frapitulation of the olden term pluckentarus, plucker means roughly: to leave ones shit laying on the ground, to disembowl, to disembark, a bunch of other diswords that don't have translations in english, and to have unintentional sex with.
*Frapitulate - to fuck around with (Usually with intent)
This establishment perpetrator and package pluckerer however in total is not a very interesting nor endearing character, and will be therefore left out of most renditions of this story including all the renditions you’ll be reading. (if you do however wish hunt down a rendition of this story that does includes the extra 48 pages of said perpetrator sneezing the alphabet while drinking a sarsaparilla. I suggest you beat yourself over the head with an extremely large mallet instrument while calling yourself a "Fruity Booty" over and over again for about 5 minutes. if you can manage to last that long then you sir are brain dead enough to read said exclusion from the story, email me right away if you are still capable of moving and I will send you a copy personally.)
And now back to regularly schedule programming-
“What just happened?” asked a mentally perturbed Bob the Bill to her lizard tongued slave/”assistant”. Said Slave/”assistant” had ever recently joined our hero after finishing up his most recent 7 hour bubble bath. Bill would later be fined an immense charge of 6,037,704,896 bits from her localized and Unlocalized water service company. Ironically 603-770-4896 was the number of her most recent Psychiatrist in a long line of previous unspecified Psychiatrists.
“I think the narrator just interrupted our regularly scheduled lives” replied the bizarre purple and green reptilian humanoid baby 20 year old something creature to his master for all eternity.
“You don’t have a life slave! Now go watch your Bucking Good Morning Equestria Like a good little dragon whore!”
Said Dragon Whore Walked out of the room to do just that, that which was said, Said by Bob. Bob However stayed in the unsaid but metaphorically said room. “Why Is this room unsaid but metaphorically said?” asked the continually perturbed red blue Unicorn Pony to my voice, the omniscient narrators voice that is unheard by all except apparently everyone.
Well since I am the Narrator I do not need to quote myself as both you the reader and Bill the lifeform understand who I am. I will simply speak to both you the reader and you Bill in the manner in which the reader is most accustomed. Now reader I would like you to imagine, that my voice is that of Morgan Freemans. and Bill, you already know what my voice actually sounds like so... you’re screwed!
“WELL THATS GREAT AND ALL BUT THAT DIDN’T ANSWER MY QUESTION!!!! AND WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON!!!!” Screamed a very loud and obnoxious Bob the Bill “AND STOP NARRATING WHAT I’M SAYING”
Well if you’re going to be like that about it perhaps we’ll take a short chapter intermission and make this into a two parter while you calm the fuck down! In the meantime reader, you go sit down, have a nice cup of tea, rethink your life, and come back here in about a week or so after she’s calmed down and you’ll have the continuation. Dasvidaniya!
