This is the life: A tale of a human in Equestria

Chapters

Roommates
Boredom
Party Animal
Not Again
Superiority

Roommates

You were tired, your feet hurt, and you were cranky.

You had just finished yet another ten-hour shift, and you were exhausted. Other than a couple of short breaks and a half-hour for lunch, you had basically worked non-stop running back and forth along the needlessly long aisle of the sorting room. Before starting that job, you would have never imagined you would actually find yourself envying a pony of all creatures. What you wouldn’t give for a horn so you could just send the letters flying to their cubby holes with magic while you put your feet up and sat comfortably, preferably with a mug of coffee in one hand.

“See yah tomorrow!” hollered a friendly voice from behind you.

You turned in time to see Derpy Hooves, one of the mail carriers, waving wildly to you as she left the building through an open window rather than the front door. Not a second later Raindrops, another mail carrier, came through the door staring in Derpy’s direction. She shook her head with a bemused smirk at Derpy’s choice of egress, then looked your way and waved much more subtly. You forced a smile and waved to both of them as they each headed their separate directions. No matter how crabby you felt after a shift, you made a point to be friendly to those two. It’s only thanks to them that you had gotten your job at Ponyville’s Post Office, and even though you hated working there, you wouldn’t have a bit to your name without it. You had made friends with those two the very day you arrived in Ponyville, at the welcome party that insane pink pony had ambushed you with, and they ended up going to great lengths to convince your boss that a human’s hands could sort mail just as well as a unicorn’s magic. It definitely didn’t hurt your chances that they had no unicorns on staff at the moment and were falling behind on mail deliveries, but the fact remains you’d be jobless without them.

By the time you reached your home, your feet were throbbing. You silently cursed at yourself for not thinking to buy new shoes before moving here. Of course you hadn’t considered the difficulty of finding clothing to fit a human in a land inhabited entirely by ponies, and the only set of footwear you had brought was a worn out pair of sneakers. You briefly considered continuing down the street to that boutique shop to ask if she could make shoes to fit human feet, but you shrugged the idea off. You had already shopped there once before and the owner, a unicorn who’s name escaped you at the moment, had done amazing work custom-tailoring an outfit to fit you. She had even been generous enough to give it to you for free as a welcome gift. She could definitely whip you up a good pair of shoes, but you just didn’t have the energy to sit there for what would probably be at least an hour while she measured your feet.

You put off getting new shoes until your day off, unlocked the door, and as you had hoped you were greeted by a darkened uninhabited home. You breathed a sigh of relief; Octavia was working late as usual. You flipped off the light and kicked your shoes off, then slumped down in the couch with a sigh of pure pleasure. You definitely needed some ‘me time’ to relax, which would normally be impossible in such a small house when you had a roommate. You didn’t make near enough money to get a place on your own, and the idea of sharing a home with creatures you really knew nothing about was terrifying. Luckily, you had struck gold with your roommate: Octavia was just about perfect. She was clean, quiet, and she was in a band and spent practically every evening playing gigs or rehearsing while you spend days working at the post office. Other than the occasional meeting around breakfast, you never saw her. You were glad, too, as she definitely seemed like the type you would have trouble getting along with: Overly dignified, overly cultured…

And snooty.

Knowing that Octavia was going to be out until well after you had gone to bed, you decided to make the most of the privacy. You were going to have a good long shower, eat junk food for dinner, and fall asleep listening to your favorite music. You stripped naked right there in the hall, tossed your clothes into your room as you passed the door and headed to the bathroom. All you had for soap was a bottle of ‘Head and Crest’ shampoo, and you hoped it would do.

“Lather, rinse, and repeat for a smooth and silky mane, tail, and coat.” You said, reading the instructions out loud. You hoped it wouldn’t leave your hair that silky and climbed into the shower.

You had been in the shower for so long you had lost track of time, and even then the only thing that made you get out was your nagging hunger. There was a huge cupcake waiting for you in the kitchen, so big that it would suffice for a meal, and you could hear it calling your name. You dried off quickly and carelessly, all the while wishing the shampoo hadn’t left you with such a strong fragrance. It smelled almost sweet, and smelling it had made the cupcake haunt your memories during the entire shower. Now absolutely ravenous, you hurled the wet towel onto your bed as you passed your room and sped for that big fancy cupcake that was just around the corner...

…And came around the corner to almost collide with Octavia, who had just finished pouring a huge glass of soy milk for herself. She glanced your way and her whole face turned bright red, reminding you that you were completely naked.

“Oh holy hell!” you yelped as you leaped back around the corner and practically ran for your room to throw some clothes on.

Great, just great! I’ll never be able to face her again!

“Oh man I’m so sorry!” you yelled down the hallway.

There was a moment of silence, followed by a confused “About what?”

You stood dumbfounded for a moment with your pants pulled only halfway up before it hit you. Ponies march around naked all the time. Of course it’s not a big deal at all if she, or anyone else for that matter, sees you naked. You fell onto your bed and sighed a deep breath. You were still thoroughly embarrassed, even though she didn’t seem to care even in the least. After a moment to collect your thoughts, you felt relieved enough to get dressed and make another attempt at your dinner. You had almost made it to the kitchen when a thought hit you.

Why did she blush?

You stood for a moment and groped with various thought about the subject, but in the end you could come up with only one explanation: these creatures make no sense at all.

Again you entered the kitchen. Octavia was at the table gulping her drink down in a very unrefined manner, and looked your way the instant you entered the room. You gave a sheepish smirk her way and she returned a demure smile. You headed for the cupboard where you had stashed the cupcake, but you just couldn’t help but feel embarrassed. Even though you lived with ponies now, who only wore clothing as either a fashion statement or a status symbol, you’d never be able to parade around naked in public. Finally tucking into your sugary reward, you turned to go to the table and couldn’t help but notice that Octavia was still watching you. You felt a slight surge of discomfort; she had been staring at you the entire time you had been in the kitchen. Something wasn’t right about her. Her mane was slightly frazzled, and she had a dopey, almost sleepy expression on her face.

Oh no, she’s not high, is she? Wait, do ponies even do drugs?

Whatever the reason, it was making you feel a bit uncomfortable. The only thing that kept you from leaving right now as you had both agreed to keep food in the kitchen to keep pests out. Taking a seat at the table, you continued eating while she continued watching you. She almost looked like she was daydreaming; she didn’t seem to really be paying any attention, but at the same time her eyes were practically riveted to you. You wondered what was wrong with her; she never acted this way.

“So,” you began, hoping to end the awkward silence, “how’d your rehearsal go?”

She flinched when you spoke, blinking twice before once again settling her gaze onto you. She blushed slightly, raising a hoof to her muzzle to try and hide it before speaking. “Badly,” she chuckled uncomfortably, still trying to hide her blush, “I couldn’t even focus enough to play my cello.”

“What happened?”

“I left rehearsal early because of, well, you know.” She said awkwardly as she gestured at herself.

You had absolutely no idea what she meant, but nodded anyway with a fake smirk. You really didn’t want to pry into her personal life. You wondered briefly if she had the flu or something, a thought which made you want to go and hide in your room to avoid catching it. However you knew that, living in such close quarters, you’d no doubt catch it anyways. On the other hand, perhaps this was just what she was like. Admittedly, you had never actually had a full conversation with her. The closest you had come was that one time you tied her bow-tie for her, and even then the most she said was a shy ‘thank you’ when you were done.

Ponies in bow-ties.

The thought of it suddenly reminded you of all those stupid ‘animal in funny costumes’ videos and images you used to enjoy looking up online. Thoughts of particularly funny ones came to mind, and you couldn’t help but burst out laughing.

“Stop it! It’s not funny, it’s torture!” Octavia said giggling fiercely as her entire face turned red.

Did she honestly just giggle at me?

That caught you completely off-guard and silenced your laughter almost instantly. Octavia’s odd friendliness was a definite change of pace from her usual introverted manner. You had lived with her for nearly a month now, and yet you’ve probably said less than a handful of words to her. Busy thinking about it, you ate the final bite of your cupcake and loudly licked the frosting from your fingers and a sudden whimper of discomfort caught your attention. Octavia was biting the tip of her hoof and very deliberately avoiding eye contact with you now. Her eyes kept looking your way, only to immediately flit away when she saw that you were still watching.

The hell…?

She was seriously starting to weird you out. As the only human around you were a fish out of water, and admittedly you knew practically nothing about what was and wasn’t normal for them. You had only gotten to know a couple of them, though none of them well enough to actually forge an intimate relationship with. In fact, the only close contact you had ever truly had with one of them was the incident after that accursed get-together at Sweet Apple Acres. Point being, you didn’t know what was or wasn’t normal behavior for ponies, but you didn’t need to. Anyone could tell that Octavia was acting incredibly strange.

Octavia once again looked like she was daydreaming, and wasn’t even trying to hide that she was watching you anymore. She was slumped at the table, supporting her head on her hoof, not moving an inch, and just staring with an almost silly half-smile. She almost looked like—

Oh God no.

She looked like a kid with a serious crush on someone. That thought hadn’t even come to mind until now, but now that you thought of it, she was acting like she was fantasizing about you. You immediately kicked that thought out of your head as fast as possible; you did stupid things from time to time, but you were not stupid. You were still paying for the last time you had jumped to conclusions: Lyra was still calling you ‘Loverboy’ at every available opportunity, and telling that blasted story to just about anyone who would listen. Even her grumpy friend Bon Bon had scored a few jokes on you for it. It was going to haunt you until the day you died, and you were not going to let that happen twice. You were not going to run with an assumption again; you were going to bluntly ask her what was wrong.

“Hey Octavia, What—“

She twitched again. “I need another drink!!!” she hurriedly said, and practically knocked the table over as she ran for the fridge and fumbled with the carton of soy milk. She muttered and protested under her breath as she struggled with the folded crease at the top. She was having way too much trouble wrestling it open with her hooves, which struck you as odd. She wasn’t clumsy, and one thing you had noticed about ponies almost instantly after moving here is they have freakishly dexterous hooves.

You couldn’t watch this any longer. “Here, I got it.” You said as you reached for the carton.

“It’s fine I’ll get it!” she said in frustration.

You popped the top open just as she wrenched it away from you, and most of the milk sloshed all over your upper body.

“Aw dammit…” you said quietly, shaking milk from your hands with a flick of your wrist.

Octavia’s eyes widened as she watched the milk drip from your body and she blushed furiously. She whimpered quietly and looked away cringing.

You chuckled awkwardly. “It’s not that big a deal. It’s just milk, it’ll wash out.”

With the dish towel in her hoof, she reared up and rested her other foreleg around your shoulders to try and clean you off. She was heavier than you expected, and you buckled under her weight just enough to slip on the wet tile. On impulse she hung on, and the two of you fell to the floor with her landing on top of you. Your head flung back and struck the hard tile.

“AAAAAGGGHHH!!!” you hissed through gritted teeth with your eyes clenched shut in pain. You breathed as deeply as you could with Octavia still lying on top of you and held your hand to the back of your head, obsessively patting through your hair until you were satisfied you weren’t bleeding. “Octavia, are you alright?” you said, realizing she wasn’t getting off of you.

She didn’t move, which made you worry that she might have knocked herself out. She was sprawled on top of you, with her head laying on your left shoulder and her muzzle barely an inch from your ear. You could hear her breathing deeply though her mouth at first, then you heard her sniff your hair quietly. She murmured pleasantly and started gently stroking your chest. She slowly lifted her head and stared at you. Passionate purple eyes met your shocked gaze, and she blushed lightly. You tried to coax her off of you, but her foreleg was still around your shoulders and holding tight. The pain from hitting your head was gone, and replaced by a stunned realization of what your roommate was doing.

“Octavia…?” you said in disbelief, “What are you doing?!”

She didn’t answer. You could feel her heart trying to beat its way out of her chest against your own, and she slowly leaned closer. Beads of sweat formed on your forehead. She leaned so close that you could feel each of her hot breaths billow against your face. You turned your head trying to lean away, and she gently held your cheeks in her hooves, turning it to line up with hers. Slowly she closed her eyes and puckered her lips…

…and without warning, she stopped and her eyes fluttered. Her expression turned from blissful to shock, and she stared at you with a brilliant blush. She leaned away and abruptly slapped you across the mouth.

“Agh!” you yelled in pain and protest, “T’hell was that all about?!”

“We almost kissed!” she hollered as she pushed herself off of you.

Utterly dumbfounded, you staggered onto your feet and stared while clutching your throbbing jaw. “YOU almost kissed ME! I was just lying there!”

“Why didn’t you stop me, you swine?!”

“WHAT?!” you yelled with confusion and anger getting the better than you. “Why didn’t you slap yourself if you have so much trouble controlling yourself?! What the hell is your problem?!”

She huffed with offense. “Oh, I get it! You’re one of those guys, aren’t you?! The mare was asking for it, wasn’t she?! And just when I thought it was all right living with a human, it turns out a male is a male, no matter the species!”

Alright, she’s not high or sick. She’s insane.

You were absolutely furious; madder than you could remember yourself ever being. “What the hell are you going on about?! You’ve been staring at me and acting all weird ever since I got home! Then you soak me with milk, fall on me, molest me, try to kiss me, and THEN you hit me and act like it was all somehow my fault! I am too damned tired from work to put up with this crap!”

“I don’t know why I’m getting all the blame!” She yelled, so angry that her face had turned red, “You’re the one who came prancing out of the shower glistening with water, wet mane and all, and… and…” she stopped just long enough to sniff the air, “And wearing COLOGNE!!! How could you do this to me?!”

“I’m not wearing cologne; it’s that stupid soap I used!” You yelled back, “Besides, how was I supposed to know you’d be all crazed and horny?!”

“Crazed and--?! So this is how you treat mares when they’re in heat! I always thought you were kind of weird, but I never once doubted that you were a decent guy! I was wrong! You’re a perverted, swayback ass!”

“A perverted what?!” You were blinded with anger; you were not going to take this. “You listen here you—“You stopped abruptly. “Wait, what?! You’re in heat?! As in, that kind of heat?”

“Um, yes! Of course I am! How could you not tell, I mean, look at me right now!” She gestured wildly at her frazzled appearance.

“You mean ponies go into heat? Are you serious?!”

Her scowl waivered. “You mean you honestly didn’t know?!”

You only shook your head stupidly to respond.

All the anger vanished from her face in an instant, and she held a hoof to her flushed cheek. “Oh! I… uh… well…”

Your shoulders sagged. “This is… really uncomfortable, isn’t it?”

“Yeah… it is.” She said in her usual shy tone, avoiding eye contact once more.

You fell into your chair at the table and hid your ashamed face in your hands. “So… all of that before? That was all…”

She sat down on her pillow and looked at you remorsefully. She chuckled uncomfortably, “Yeah… about that… look, I… I’m really sorry. For the next week or so, it’s all I can think about. I should have said something, but… but I didn’t think a human would… you know, ‘set me off.’” She looked so embarrassed that she seemed ready to cry.

“You…” you said, trailing off into an uncomfortable laugh as you rubbed your sore cheek, “You know, you didn’t have to slap me.”

She looked away. “I kind of thought you were going to… you know…”

“I think I get it.” You said. You knew exactly what she was going to say: it suddenly dawned on you that some of the pony guys in town probably tried to take advantage of them when they were in heat. In fact, the way she had hollered at you earlier, it almost sounded like it was the pony equivalent of date rape. Even though she had snapped at you, and even though she had hit you, it was all a big stupid understanding. You weren’t angry anymore. In fact, you actually found yourself pitying her.

She sighed heavily. “I shouldn’t have doubted you. I mean, you didn’t even know what was going on, and… I’m sorry.”

“Hey.” You said with an understanding smile, “I’m sorry too. For all the yelling, and stuff. I didn’t even realize what you were going through.”

“Can we… can we just pretend none of this ever happened?” she said with a quiet laugh.

“Yes. Definitely.” You sighed with relief that she wasn’t going to make a thing out of this like Lyra had about… that.

“Thanks.” She said, laying her hoof on your hand, “And I meant what I said before. You really are a good guy.” She trailed off and began stroking your hand, staring dreamily once more. You gave her a light nudge and she snapped out of it. “Agh!” she yelled with a shake of her head, “This is torture! I’m taking a cold shower and going to bed!!!”

She stomped around the corner and slammed the bathroom door behind her, leaving you alone in the kitchen alone with your thoughts and your throbbing skull. You were definitely thankful that she wasn’t ‘in’ to you, but you still somehow felt as though you had been insulted. However, you had learned two things today: One, that ponies go into heat, and two, you were going to hide indoors until the end of the week.

Author's Note

The next time you're eating a cupcake, I hope you'll think of sexy Octavia ;)

Boredom

Daring Do hissed in pain each time her injured leg grasped a hoofhold and pulled her higher up the crumbling rocky crag. Exhausted and defeated, the only thing giving her the strength to climb was sheer willpower. She would not die in this collapsing ruin; she would not give up until she was free. The earth all around her shook with a loud roar, as if the very ruin itself was angry with her escape.

She could still hear it beneath her.

Deep within the belly of the ruin she could hear Spear Thistle’s voice, pleading for her to come back. Daring Do steeled herself against it; she knew it wasn’t her friend down there, but rather the thing that had killed her friend. She pushed the thought out of her head and concentrated on her escape. Her forehead bled from being pummeled by bits of falling rock and she squinted, unable to wipe the blood out of her eyes that was trickling down her face. She was so close to the top. Mustering her last ounce of strength, she reached for the light that poured through the opening and—

And I can’t take it anymore.

Frustrated with boredom, you exhaled deeply and folded the corner of the page to mark where you had left off. Although you really had nothing else to do with your time, you had been reading Daring Do and the Indrian Fissure all day and just couldn’t stare at the lines of text any longer. It was as if your eyes themselves had become bored with reading: Each time you tried to read a sentence your eyes would begin to wander away like they were looking for something more interesting against your will.

You dropped the book on the small table beside the couch and stared at the clock. It was barely a quarter after one, and already you were bored out of your mind. Normally you could while away a slow boring day indoors without even thinking about it; normally such a day would be well spent and well enjoyed, and you would be lamenting having to return to work the next day. This was never the case when you were trying to pass the time. Forcing yourself to stay indoors was just mind-numbing, but the ponies in town were still acting weird, and you knew going outside was far less pleasant than being bored out of your skull.

The ponies acted so very much like humans that, for the most part, you tended to forget that they were, in fact, ponies. True they were nothing like horses and ponies from your home country: they came in every color scheme imaginable, used magic and flew, and lived lives and had personalities very much like people, but they were still ponies none the less. It had caught you off guard to learn that for about four days a month through the spring mares go into heat. Thankfully the thing with Octavia…

That which will never be mentioned ever again.

…Was the worst of it by far. Ponyville was mostly women and you could definitely tell that something was up by how different they were acting, but for the most part a lot of them were just acting moody and weird. You had noticed a few leering stares pointed your way, but that was the extent of it. You had just pretended you didn’t notice; even if it did make you feel uncomfortable, this was the way things were in Equestria and you would simply have to adapt to it.

Or stay hidden indoors until it’s over.

You had chosen the latter and stood by it. An entire town full of pony women in heat was just eerie. It wasn’t even how they were acting, but rather that they were all acting so different than normal. It made you feel like you were in a Sci-Fi movie and was the last one in town to be assimilated by mind-controlling aliens.

Thankfully, nobody had come into the post office at all during your last shift, and the two ponies who worked in the office with you were both men. Yesterday and today were your days off, and with any luck, this whole ‘heat’ thing would be dying down by the time you got back to work.

“Well…” you said aloud to cut the silence, “If there’s absolutely nothing to do, I might as well make the most of it.” You put your feet up on the coffee table and cradled your head on the armrest. Closing your eyes and waiting to doze off, your mind began to wander and you found yourself wondering why the couch had a backrest even though the ponies sat like, well ponies. Except for Lyra, of course.

Lyra doesn’t count.

She was so loveably odd compared to other ponies that you sometimes wondered if she was some kind of undiscovered species. Admittedly, you couldn’t help but like her for her weirdness. Thinking of this reminded you of the time you and her had met: You had just gotten off the train in Ponyville and had taken a seat on a bench to collect your thoughts. A few ponies had walked by but only gave very confused and almost alarmed looks your way. Then Lyra went by and, as soon as she spotted you, took a seat upright just like a human would and engaged you in a conversation. Unlike the others who had looked at you like you were an alien, she had made you feel very much at home.

Then she promptly weirded me out by asking for an ear scratch.

You chuckled, half-asleep. Lyra was oddly obsessed with being scratched and pet that you wondered if she secretly wished she was a cat. It was easily her most annoying quality, but it also said a lot about how much you valued her friendship if you could put up with her eccentricities and think nothing of it anymore. She was one of a kind, and just about the best friend you had ever had.

BANG BANG BANG

The loud knock at your door rudely jolted you out of your half-asleep hebetude. You grumbled quietly under your breath and sincerely considered ignoring it, until it hit you that it was probably Raindrops. Last week she had asked if you knew anything about fixing a sink, and before you could even answer had offered to make you your favorite baked goods if you did. Hearing that you promptly agreed and she said she would swing by as soon as the new faucet was delivered. For your favorite baked goods, you were more than willing to face the townsfolk and headed for the door.

Expecting to see a yellow pegasus fluttering at eye level, you were taken aback when you instead came face to face with the lazy smile of a huge red earth pony. You instantly recognized him as Big McIntosh, the one who had invited you to the get-together before The Incident with Lyra. You couldn’t possibly know what he of all ponies could want, but you welcomed the company and greeted him politely.

“Howdy.” He said in a heavy southern drawl. “Mind if Ah hang out here a while?”

“Uhhhh… sure?”

“Ah don’t mean to be a bother.” He said, obviously picking up on your hesitance, “It’s just that time of year again, y’know.”

“Oh, OH!” You said with sudden clarity. “Yeah, you can bunker down here if you want. Come on in.”

“Much obliged, friend. Ah just need some company that ain’t gonna be making eyes at me the whole time.”

You scoffed as you stood aside to let him in. “Must be tough. You’re one of what, like five other men in a town full of women?”

“Eeyup.” He said with an almost uncomfortable chuckle. He took his saddlebag off and laid it at one side of the chair and took a seat. “Can’t get no work done with hungry eyes leering at me. Ah get all self-conscious.”

You let yourself fall lazily into the couch across from him. “Self-conscious? You? You didn’t strike me as the bashful type. I figured you were just quiet.”

“Little of both.”

He really was self-conscious. Noticing him pawing at the cushion as he spoke made you decide to change the subject. “Not like I’m complaining or anything,” you said as you hoped it didn’t come out as rude, “but why’d you come here? I mean, I don’t think we’ve spoken more than once or twice since I moved here.”

“Well, Ah kinda figured you’d be hiding here all lonesome and such, so Ah figured you’d appreciate some male company.”

You honestly did. You weren’t exaggerating by that much before: the town was mostly women and you were in desperate need of a guy friend. The girls were great and all, but if this trend continued you’d be brushing manes and painting hooves before you knew it. Lyra had already tried to drag you to the spa with her. Big McIntosh was exactly what you needed to preserve your masculinity.

“I’m not really hiding, so much as just hanging out. Most of the town’s just acting weird and it gives me the creeps. The girls in town aren’t really attracted to me, thank God.”

“’Thank God’?” Said Big McIntosh with a bemused smirk. “Ah didn’t realize your barn door opened that way, partner.”

You sputtered at the implication. “WHAAAAAT?! I’m not gay! I’m just not into ponies!”

He was clearly amused by your reaction. “So you ain’t never gonna try and find your special somepony?”

“Nope.” You said firmly.

“What about, uh…, Lyra Heartstrings? Ah heard you and her were close.”

You rolled your eyes; you knew exactly what he was getting at. “We’re friends!”

“Ah heard you share a bed and rub her tummy.”

“Oh dammit!” You said as your face dropped into your hand. “Who hasn’t she told that story to?!”

“Everypony knows. Some of them think you and her are an item.”

You sat in shocked silence for a brief moment before exploding out of the couch. “Seriously?! I’m going to wring her fuzzy little neck! It was one time! One time! ONCE!!! And I was drunk! Very VERY DRUNK!!!”

Big McIntosh held a hoof over his mouth barely stifling laughter as you ranted. “Settle down, partner.” He said amid lazy laughter, “Ah’m just teasing you. Ah remember how drunk you were.”

You slumped back into your seat and looked at him with a raised eyebrow. “I’ll bet you do.” You said with mock spite. “Exactly how many drinks did you put through me, anyway?”

“Ah lost count before you did, probably. But it was for your own good. Got you to come out of your shell and get talking and dancing with some of the folk in town.”

“Good point. Just don’t act like you planned it that way.”

His mouth curled into a lazy, satisfied smile. “Now who says Ah didn’t?”

You were at a loss for words for a moment. He was so hard to read that you couldn’t tell if that was a joke or if he was dead serious. You finally decided to just roll with it. “Well, damn. Now what exactly is a Machiavellian super-villain doing farming apples for a living?

Big McIntosh looked at you with a raised eyebrow for just a moment, and then smirked. “Lower overhead. And it’s honest family work.”

“Touché.” You said with a laugh. You stretched with a sigh and swung your legs onto the couch, resting your head on the armrest. “So… Once a year all the girls in town go absolutely man-crazy.” You said, reflecting on just how alien it seemed to you.

“Eeyup. Usually Ah save some work in the barn to keep hidden, but truth be told it gets mighty boring cooped up in there and all.

Now there is something you thought you’d never hear. “It’s boring to have an entire town of women hot for you?” You said as you marveled at his outlook, “I wish it were that ‘boring’ where I was from.”

“Ahhh.” Said Big McIntosh with a sly smile. “So that’s the reason you moved here, you sly dog.”

“No. NO! Oh no no no it’s not. It’s just, well…” You trailed off to think for a moment.

You had your reasons for packing up and moving to a place where you would be the only human around, but it was hard to put them into words. You gave it a bit of thought and, as best as you could, explained why you wanted to live in a community populated entirely by talking ponies. Big McIntosh seemed a bit intrigued, but true to form didn’t really seem to lend it much thought.

“…What I meant,” you said as you finished your story, “is I wish there was a time of the year when human women were man-hungry.”

Big McIntosh leaned back, making the chair creak in protest under his weight. “It’s great when you’re young an’ all, but it gets real tiring once you grow up.” He said with a heavy sigh. “It’s all hormones, y’know? They ain’t interested in you; they’re just crazy for some action. Some of them won’t even wanna look at you when the nights over.”

“Ouch.” You said with an uncomfortable chuckle. “Hey. I’ve been there, bro.”

Confused, he raised his eyebrow. “Thought you humans don’t go into heat.”

“We don’t. But we get drunk and end up in bed with some, uh, less than desirable people sometimes.”

A small smile flickered across his normally stoic face. “Like you an’ Lyra Heartstrings.” He said in a teasing tone.

“Can it!” You scolded.

His mouth stretched into a great big grin, then shrank back to its normally somber shape. “Others take it like a real personal thing, y’know, like an attack or an insult that you made hay during their season. Ah got punched in the jaw for it once when Ah was younger, and she ain’t spoke to me since. The way she acted, it was like Ah’d lassoed her and tied her up.” He raised and slapped his front hooves on the arms of the chair, letting his frustration out. “And this is after she came by mah farm for it to begin with!” He let out a sigh, “It’s a mess, Ah tell you. A real mess, mah human friend.

You seriously felt for this guy. His story reminded you so much of what had happened between you and Octavia a few days ago and you actually came very close to blurting it out. However, you and Octavia had patched up quite nicely after that, and you weren’t about to stir up that hornet’s nest by spilling the beans. You wished there was something you could say; Big McIntosh sounded downright miserable to be a guy living in a town full of damned-near nymphomaniacs. You wondered briefly if all the males in town felt this way, and all of a sudden it hit you why Big McIntosh had swung by your house of all places despite not even knowing you. Perhaps he was the only male who felt this way, and saw you as a bit of a kindred spirit. You had seriously misjudged this guy based on your first impression of him. You walked over and patted his withers. “Cheer up. It’s only a couple more days; you’ll make it.”

He chuckled in appreciation. “Eeyup.”

You sighed and sat back down. “This whole heat thing. It is over in a couple of days, right?”

Big McIntosh laughed. “Give or take. It’s about five days, usually. You make it sound like you’ve been in prison the whole time.”

“I might has well have been. You’re the first one I’ve spoken to in a couple of days now. All my friends are women, and I don’t dare go near them when they’re hormonal. Hell, Lyra’s clingy and weird enough already.”

Big McIntosh looked at you with a funny expression, like he was thinking about something. “Clingy and weird, huh? She like that with anypony else?”

“…No.” You said, slightly confused by the question.

He smirked as if he had been let in on some kind of juicy secret. “Kinda sounds like she’s sweet on you, partner.”

Your eyes widened and you sat stunned for just a moment. “What?! No, she’s not! We’re just friends! Okay, we’re good friends but it’s not like that!”

His smirk widened into a huge grin. “You’re blushing, partner.”

“You sputtered and threw a hand over your cheeks, trying stupidly to hide your apparent blush. “Seriously, no! No we’re not! She’s not!”

“If you say so.” He said with a roll of his eyes.

“She…” you said with a sigh, “She thinks she’s a cat or something, I don’t know.”

“…Come again?”

“She’s always pestering me to scratch her back, or her ears, or rub her tummy, or brush her mane! It’s not romantic; she just wants to be scratched! And hugged. Don’t get me started on how often she tries to hug me.” You said with frustration showing in your voice.

Still smirking, Big McIntosh nodded. “Well, maybe she’s just itchy.” He held out a hoof and reach around to his back. He wiggled his hoof which just grazed his mane and came about an inch short of touching his crest. “It ain’t easy.”

You blew a raspberry at the thought. “She’s a unicorn! If she can play her harp thing with magic, how hard is it to levitate a brush or a backscratcher?”

“Wouldn’t know, partner.” He said, tapping his forehead where a horn would be if he were a unicorn. “But from what Ah hear, you’ve got magical fingers.”

“‘What you hear?’ What did she tell you?”

He laughed warmly. “Last week Ah asked her if you’d survived after the get-together, and she spent the next half an hour gushing about the belly rub you gave her.” He trailed of in a fit of laughter, barely managing to get the rest out, “She never did answer mah question!”

You buried your face in your hands, groaning as you did. “I’m going to be paying for that until the end of time…”

You felt a solid hoof pat your shoulder gently. “Don’t let it get to you, partner. She’s just teasing you; it’s her way. We’ve all got different tastes, y’know. Heck, Ah remember—“He abruptly stopped and clapped his hooves together. “Different tastes! That reminds me; Ah actually swung by ‘cause Ah’ve got something for you.”

You perked up at the sound of it. Good things always came from Sweet Apple Acres. Big McIntosh picked up the saddlebag he had brought with him and laid it across your lap, then gestured for you to open it. You hoped it was some of those apple fritters from the get-together; they were just about the only good thing to come of that night. You unclasped the bag and your eyes lit up. Inside, wrapped neatly inside this morning’s copy of The Ponyville Express was just about the largest and most appetizing freshly caught trout you had ever laid eyes on. You almost drooled; you had been living as a vegetarian since your arrival, and even the thought of meat or fish was enough to make you salivate.

“Mah little sister tried her hoof at fishing. Didn’t catch her cutie mark, but she caught that. Ah knew you of all pon-, uh, you’d put it to good use.

“Thank you so much for this,” you said as you licked your lips, “believe me I’ll put this to great use. But… don’t you want it? I mean, this is a great catch.”

He tossed his hooves up into a shrug and grinned. “We don’t eat ‘em, partner. Ah was gonna give it to Flutter shy for her ferrets, but Ah figured you must be going’ crazy not being able to get meat here. You… you humans do eat meat, right? Ah really don’t know much about y’all.”

You smirked and nodded. “You bet we do. I’m kind of surprised, though. I figured everyone in town would be afraid of me if they knew humans ate meat. I kind of just kept it to myself.”

“Well…” he said as he contemplated the idea, then chuckled quietly, “Ah bet those three who work in town square would be terrified of you if they saw you eating meat. ‘Course, they fainted during a bunny stampede a while ago, so…”

You clapped your hand over your mouth and made the unmanliest giggle you had ever heard as the thought of a bunny stampede went through your head.

He stopped his story when he heard your response. “You get the idea. Most of the folks in town, they’ll judge a pony for what comes out of their mouth, not what goes in. As long as you don’t start runnin’ around the Everfree with a spear or start considering us ponies to be grub, they ain’t gonna think nothing of it.

You nodded in agreement. You were well aware that people did eat horsemeat, but you weren’t going to open Pandora’s Box by mentioning it. True, horses back home weren’t like the ponies here, but explaining that would be near impossible.

“Ah was gonna bring you some cider, too.” He said with a chuckle, “‘Course, Ah was afraid you’d end up scratching Lyra’s chin this time so—“

“Can it!” You said playfully with a roll of your eyes.

“So like ah was saying,” he said resuming the story from before, “Ah remember this one pony. The only thing she’d—“

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK

“Hey, are you home?” asked a familiar voice at the door.

“It’s Raindrops.” You said. “I promised I’d get down and fix her sink today.”

“Ah-HUH.” He said in an accusing tone. “Be safe.”

Your whole face went red from his implication. “No, I’m literally going to fix a sink.” Reminded that the women were still in their season, as Big McIntosh had politely put it, you decided to help a bro out. “You can hang out here if you want. I won’t tell any of the ladies you’re here.”

“That’s mighty neighborly of you, mah friend.” He said as he held his hoof out.

Hoping you interpreted the gesture right, you balled a fist and struck his hoof gently. “Catch you later, bro.”

You left the house and returned Raindrops’ greeting. She seemed to be acting like her usual self, but the funny way she was walking immediately told you otherwise. Raindrops began telling you about the great deal she got on the faucet she bought, but you were too preoccupied to listen to her story. You couldn’t get what Big McIntosh had said to you out of your head.

‘Sounds like she’s sweet on you, partner.’

Party Animal

“What the—HEY!!!”

You ignored the vexation of the yellow mare you had just jumped over. You were on a dead run through Ponyville plaza, dodging shopping stalls and somewhat confused ponies as you moved. One had darted into your path from blind corner and, not being able to stop in time, you had jumped as if she was a hurdle. Your feet had just barely grazed her back, but never the less you had managed to jump clean over her without causing a catastrophe. You were almost out of breath; your chest was sending shivers of pain through your body to try and coax you into stopping and resting.

Can’t stop. She’d catch me.

You knew you had a snowball’s chance in hell of outrunning a pony, and found yourself silently wishing you had taken Bon Bon up on her offer the other day: You’d have no problem making your getaway if you had a sulky to ride. You spotted Lyra’s place and, while praying she was home every step of the way, made a mad dash for her door.

“Lyra! Lyra!!!”

You didn’t have time to knock. You barely had the time to pray no one was behind the door as you hurled it open with a crash, ran in, and slammed it behind you. With deep gasps you struggled to catch your breath, and in a mere moment you saw a very surprised and noticeably irritated aquamarine face peek around the corner.

“Sheesh. You almost gave me a heart attack.” She said, making an almost successful attempt to hide her obvious anger, “Is knocking going out of style or something, Twinkle Toes?!”

You ran to her, dropped to your knees, and planted your hands on her shoulders. “Lyra, for God’s sake you’ve gotta hide me! She’s after me!!!”

Her eyes widened and she threw her hooves around you. “Whoa, calm down! What happened?! Who’s after you?!”

Before you could answer, a rather musical knock announced the arrival of the pony you were trying to escape. You ducked out from under Lyra’s forelegs and pulled away. “I’m not here; you didn’t see me here; you haven’t seen me in forever!” You didn’t even give her time to respond before you darted into the small closet in the hallway and pulled the door shut behind you.

There was the same knock at the door, albeit a bit faster this time. You had a clear view from the louvers in the closet door: Lyra peered over in your direction twice, looking more scared each time she did. She finally and cautiously approached her front door and opened it slowly. “Oh! Hi, P—” she began to say before being abruptly cut off by the loud bang of a party popper, a rain of confetti, and a canned recording of The Merry Go Round Broke Down.

“Hello Lyra Heartstrings, you’re welcomed to my bash!

We’re gonna throw a party, for good old Rainbow Dash!

There’ll be cake and ice cream, and lots of games to play!

‘Cause Dashie’s one year older, and it is her birthday!”

That’s right. Keep singing. I’m not here, I’m not here, I’m not here.

Lyra hopped on the spot with a giddy, excited squee. “When is it?!”

“Tonight!” hollered Pinkie Pie, every bit as excited. “Butterfingers is invited as well! Is he here?! Ooh, he’ll be so excited! I’ve been looking all over town for him for like forever but he’s so hard to find even though he’s the only human that lives here I mean he should stick out like a sore hoof! Even though he doesn’t have hooves!”

You almost shuddered loud enough to blow your cover. You were seriously fed up with the goofy nicknames, and wished that just once they’d call you by your real name.

Lyra stopped hopping and chuckled uncomfortably. She glanced over at the closet door very briefly, almost as if she was considering ratting you out, but instead turned back and put on a straight face. “Uh… no, I haven’t seen him. I think he’s working today; did you check the Post Office?”

“I did! Twice! Even though Derpy said he wasn’t working the first time! You know, I wanted to make sure! He’ll be so sad if he misses another party of mine! That’ll be two, and I’ve only thrown three since he got here!” She put her foreleg around Lyra and leaned in as if to whisper, but spoke loud enough for you to hear. “And we can’t let that happen. If he comes to my party he’ll have lots of laughs, and laughter is the music of the soul, and I’d be so sad if his soul wasn’t singing!”

WHAT?!

Lyra seemed every bit as confused as you by that statement. “Oh, I’m sure he’ll swing by at some point today. I’ll keep an eye out. That way you won’t have to check back here, because you’ll know I’ll tell him if he shows up.”

Lyra. You are frigging amazing.

“Okie-dokie-lokie! I knew I could count on you! Oh, and give him this!” Pinkie Pie tossed a purple cardboard box wrapped in a bow to Lyra, who caught it mid-air with her magic. “I felt so bad that he missed my last party, so I brought him this so he wouldn’t feel left out. Well, I’m off! I know he’s around town somewhere. You know what I need?! A pegasus’ eye view! I’ll find him yet! See you tonight, Lyra!”

The door closed with a slam, and you let out a deep sigh. You crept from the closet and peeked out the window to make sure she had left, and rather than see her hop away like normal you watched as she flew lazily away on a ridiculous flying contraption. The machine she rode looked like something Wile E. Coyote could make out of a candy shop and a tandem bicycle.

“And there goes everything I’ve ever understood about physics, floating away with Pinkie Pie’s flying machine.” You said in a defeated tone before slumping down in the large comfortable armchair in the corner of the room. Lyra locked the front door and turned to face you with concern in her eyes. She clambered into the chair beside you and threw her hooves around you, cuddling your cheek against the soft warm fluff of her neck. You immediately tried to pull away and she gripped tighter, resting her chin on the top of your head as she shushed you in a calm and caring tone. “Alright,” she said softly as if she were comforting a pet, “You’re safe now. Nopony knows you’re here. Who’s after you?”

You honestly couldn’t tell if her ‘comforting’ was sarcastic or sincere. “What?! Pinkie Pie! Who else would be after me?”

“Say what?” She said in disbelief as she tilted her head to make eye contact with you. “You’re hiding from Pinkie? Why?”

You sat idle for a moment, hoping she’d stop cuddling you. “Okay, seriously. Let go.” You said as you struggled to get away.

She clamped her forelegs around your neck and forehead, holding you in a surprisingly strong headlock. “Not. Until. You tell me!” She said tauntingly. She gave you a noogie, laughing at your failed attempt to escape her grasp. You finally reached around and tickled under her foreleg, making her loosen her grip with a loud shriek, which you took advantage of to pull out of her embrace. She fell to her belly in the chair with a fit of laughter, as you only rubbed your head and glared at her with a smirk.

“Here!” She said still chuckling, and the box she had been given floated in front of you. “Pinkie brought it for you. Open it up; it’s probably something good to eat!”

You gingerly plucked the box from the yellow glow that suspended it in the air. “I don’t know… I’m afraid Pinkie Pie might jump out of it.”

Lyra scoffed. “We both saw—”

“Yeah, I know we both watched her fly away. You think that could stop her? Then again, what if she’s counting on me not to open the box? What if it’s a ‘party bomb’ on a timer that’ll explode and decorate the house just in time for her to show up with guests?! What if—”

“Alright.” Chuckled Lyra in a sing-song tone. “Time to calm down there. You’re reaching ‘creepy’ on the paranoid scale.”

“I’m not being paranoid!”

“You just accused Pinkie Pie of rigging an explosive charge in a box that will explode and somehow decorate your house with streamers and balloons, and in perfect time for her to arrive with guests. I know you guys have some pretty crazy technology where you’re from, but—”

“Don’t give me that! She has a flipping cannon that shoots party favors! A cannon! I saw it!”

“Well, yeah. That’s different.”

“HOW IS IT DIFF—” You threw your hands over your head and silenced yourself with an exasperated sigh. You’ve argued over what does and doesn’t make sense in Equestria before, and it’s an argument you never win. “Ugh, never mind, it doesn’t matter. All I’ve got to do is stay out of her cross-hairs until the party tonight. Then I’m a free man.”

Lyra cocked an eyebrow. “Why do you hate Pinkie Pie and her parties so much? They’re awesome.”

“I don’t hate Pinkie Pie! I… Well… She… scares the crap out of me.”

“What.”

“Look. I can accept magic, and talking ponies, and every little out-to-lunch thing about this place. Just today I went to the library to return a book. I spent an hour there, hanging out with a baby dragon who is the assistant to a unicorn who is the protégé of a princess who is thousands of years old, who receives letters from that protégé through the baby dragon’s magical breath.”

“Okay, and I had fried oats for breakfast.” Said Lyra calmly. “What’s your point?”

“The point is, is I can accept that. Pinkie Pie, on the other hand, well, what the heck is she?!”

Lyra sat quietly for a moment and stared at you with an odd expression. “This is going to be one of your trademark flip-outs, isn’t it? Fine, I’m curious.” She smiled and made enough room for you to sit with her in the chair, and patted the cushion. “Get comfy and tell Auntie Lyra all about it.”

Not having a snide comeback ready, you put the box on the table and sat down in the chair beside her. “So, the other day, right?” You said to begin your story. “Pinkie Pie invited me into the bakery to try her new cupcake recipe. I was busy, so I turned her down. So she grabbed me and dragged me inside anyways.”

“So?”

“So I was about ten feet away from the door! She stretched or something, I swear she stretched!”

“Yeah, right.” She said dismissively. “You weren’t paying attention and she snuck up on you is what happened.”

“Oh yeah? Well, how about this: There are two of her, okay? Two of her! Maybe more!”

“Huh?”

“A week ago she came into the Post Office to pick up a package. When I told her it was from her parents, she started jumping all over the place and singing this random song out of nowhere about family bonds.”

Lyra laughed. “Yeah, that’s pretty standard Pinkie Pie behavior so far.”

“She was right in front of me, but then I saw another Pinkie pop out of the letter bin behind me! It was only out of the corner of my eye, but I know what I saw!”

“Oh come on!” Said Lyra. “Isn’t one of her enough? I think more than one Pinkie would destroy the town.”

“Okay, you have a point.” You thought for a moment, “So she can make temporary clones or something! Or illusions! Or she has a twin sister who pops by on occasion to sing back-up!”

Lyra patted your knee. “Now you’re just grasping for an explanation. Do you know how silly you sound right now?”

She kept her hoof on your knee long enough for you to glance her way, and she twitched her ear with a hopeful smile. You knew what she wanted, and ever since being caught with Bon Bon you didn’t have the means to turn her down. Absent-mindedly, you scratched behind her ear and continued speaking. “The first month I was here, she comes running up to me with an umbrella in her mouth. On a sunny, cloudless day. She tells me to stand still and holds it above my head. Not knowing any better, I do it.”

“And…?” Lyra said, happily enjoying her ear scratch.

“And a few seconds later a tomato falls from the sky and hits it. As it turns out a pegasus was carrying groceries far above me, and just happened to have a hole in his bag that just happened to let a tomato loose at exactly the right time and place to hit me. And then she laughs and says something about how if she hadn’t stopped me it would have missed anyway!”

“Okay, you get that one. When her tail twitches, just run for cover. Poor Twilight Sparkle learned that the hard way. Or… does the twitchy tail mean run to high ground? No, I’m sure it means—”

“I get it.” You said.

Lyra stood up and patted your shoulder. “Look, Pinkie Pie’s… different. She’s like abstract art, you could try and figure her out or you could just take her for what she is and get on with your day.”

You thought about that for a moment. “Maybe you’re right. But she still freaks me out.”

“So, are you going to open her present yet?” Said Lyra as she licked her lips. “There’s something tasty in there, I know it, and you owe me for giving you sanctuary.”

You stood up and paused over it for a moment. Cautiously you opened it and… nothing. No explosion, and no Pinkie Pie. Inside the box was a beautifully made cake bearing the message ‘sorry you couldn’t make it’ surrounded by candies and a big smiling sun. It was your favorite flavor of cake slathered in a thick layer of your favorite frosting, and she had even gone to the trouble of decorating it with your favorite kind of candy. It smelled absolutely delicious.

Lyra peeked into the box and hungrily said “Oh YEAH. Cut me a slice of that!”

You barely heard her. You were too busy staring at the cake she had made. You had never told her any of these things were your favorite; she must have gone around asking to find out exactly what kinds of things you liked in a cake. She had obviously poured so much love and effort into this cake to make it as enjoyable to you as possible, and she hardly even knew you.

And here I am, scared of her and blowing off her party.

Your shoulders hung with the realization of how big of a jerk you were being. You had spent so much time concentrating on how weird Pinkie Pie could be that you hadn’t even bothered to think about what she was trying to do for you. All she wanted was to make you happy, and you were acting like she was out to kill you.

Lyra’s hoof nudged you. “You alright?”

“You know what, Lyra?” You said sadly. “I’m going to go to that party tonight after all.”

No sooner had you said that, there was a knock at the door. Lyra slapped her forehead with her hoof. “Oh, blast it! That’s Bon Bon! I was supposed to find that sweater she lent me! Hey, can you keep her busy for me while I hunt it up?”

You nodded and Lyra ran around the corner into her bedroom. Still looking behind you, you opened the door. A loud bang and a shower of confetti caught you off-guard and knocked you off your feet.

“So you will come after all?! Great!!!” Said an overly happy Pinkie Pie.

“AAAGH!!!”

“It’s tonight at six, okay? You’ll have a great time! Ooh, you don’t have to foalsit again this time, do you?”

You were absolutely stunned. “No, not tonight.” You said quietly.

She grinned and made an overly excited squeak, then slammed the door. You sat there on the floor trying to make sense of things for a moment before Lyra, who at some point had come out of the bedroom, shook your shoulder.

“What just happened?” You said stupidly.

Even Lyra seemed jarred by Pinkie Pie’s appearance, but didn’t dwell on it. Instead, she put a hoof around your shoulders and grinned at you. “You? You foalsat? For who?”

You shook yourself out of your daze, and reminded yourself not to try and figure out Pinkie Pie. “For Derpy, so she could go out with what’s-his-name. It’s the reason I missed Pinkie’s last party.”

Lyra sputtered and held a hoof to her mouth, before losing it and laughing wildly at you.

“Hey! What’s wrong with me ba—er, foalsitting?!”

“Nothing, nothing.” She said laughing. “It’s cute, that’s all. And the most perfect image of you in a sunhat and dress at a tea party with Derpy’s filly just came to mind!”

You sat quietly as she laughed. You actually did have a tea party with Dinky Doo, but there was no way you would ever let Lyra find out about that. “Alright, Giggles,” you said, leaning on Lyra’s shoulder to pull yourself to your feet, “I’m going to take off. I need to dig up something nice to wear to the party.”

“I’ve got a dress you could borrow!” Lyra joked as she followed you to the door.

“The day you see me in a dress is the day seaponies wash ashore at the beach.” You said.

“Seaponies do wash ashore at the beach sometimes, smart-guy!”

You stopped and wondered if she was serious. By the time you turned to ask if seaponies actually did exist or not, Lyra had already gone inside and closed the door. You just shrugged and continued walking. At this point it wouldn’t surprise you in the least if they did.

Not Again

With a grunt of effort, you nudged the front door open and staggered in. You struggled to move in and somehow managed to keep your balance despite the heavy load that was clamped to your back and would not hold still. “Holy HELL!” You said, letting your exhaustion and frustration get the better of you, “Lyra, you weigh a ton! Stop squirming!!!”

“Hey!” Came her slurring voice, accompanied by the scent of alcohol on her breath that washed over you. “I don’t insult you ‘cause you’re all… bald skinned and hands!”

You were very thankful her house was so close to Sugarcube Corner. She was too drunk to walk straight, and since she walked on all fours there was no way to just support her weight over your shoulder. That left you with two choices: Ditch your best friend and go home, or carry her. Of course you hadn’t realized just how heavy or solid a pony’s frame would be until you lifted her piggy-back style and started walking. You had begun to regret it only a few steps out the door, and by now you were exhausted and at the end of your rope.

Lyra noticed your frustration from your silence, and stopped moving around. She held her velvet cheek against yours and spoke softly. “Jus’ kidding… You know you’re my favorite human… Heck you’re the best human in all of… of… of wherever you’re from! Humanland! That’s it! You’re best human, got it? Best human of all of Humanland!”

You finally got her into her bedroom. “Sure.” You said as you crudely let her awkward shape drop onto her bed, then let yourself collapse and take a seat.

Lyra bounced with a drunken giggle and tried to stand before collapsing once more. “Thanks for the lift! You’re the best! You’re the King of Humanland! ‘Cause that’s where you’re from ‘cause you’re a human and I love ya…” She said, slurring every word and chuckling all the way.

At least the party was fun.

You were actually glad guilt had gotten the better of you and enticed you to go to the party. This time you had made a valiant effort to steer clear of the alcohol and instead stuck to the fruit punch and snack table. At first you had basically stayed close to Lyra, but once she had a few good drinks and got pulled into some of the party games you went off and mingled. You had spent a good portion of the night in the company of Big McIntosh who, true to his claim of being bashful, was much quieter and reserved in a crowd. Other than a few choice words, he hardly said anything outside of ‘Eeyup’ and ‘Nope’.

Not long after you were pulled away by Pinkie Pie to meet her circle of friends and, much to your surprise, you had already met most of them. Out of the six you knew Rarity the best: She was the owner of the boutique who had done an amazing job tailoring clothes to fit you, and always made a point of chatting with you about fashion when you went shopping for clothes. Next was the birthday girl, Rainbow Dash. You had the distinct ‘honor’ of meeting her once before, when she utterly destroyed you at arm-wrestling over a cheese sandwich at the café. She had an ego, but was definitely nice. Of course you already knew Applejack through her brother, but had never properly been introduced to her. You finally had the chance, and after her enthusiastic handshake you were lucky to walk away without a broken arm.

The only two you hadn’t met yet were Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy. Twilight owned the library in Ponyville, but each time you had gone there to check out or return a book she had been out. Apparently she had been filled in about you from her little friend Spike, and true to her studious reputation she seemed absolutely fascinated by you and probably could have spent the entire night discussing the cultural differences between ponies and humans had Pinkie Pie not dragged her off to play pin the tail on the pony. Fluttershy, on the other hand, was the polar opposite: She seemed terrified of you. She definitely lived up to her name by barely being able to even make eye contact, let alone speak. She just pawed at the ground and mumbled, and when you tried to introduce yourself she ended up backing away with her muzzle tucked under her wing.

You really didn’t want anyone to be afraid of you and would have made an effort to get to know her, but by then Lyra had gotten a little carried away and had far too much to drink.

“Lookit your nose!” laughed Lyra, which jolted you out of your daydream. “It looks like a little strawberry!” She laughed and swatted your nose playfully, to which you only responded with a quiet mutter. “And your cheeks!” She planted her hooves on either side of your face and rubbed, and you pushed her away.

“You weirdo!” You laughed uneasily, “Cut it out!”

She weaved and laughed sloppily, then fell to her belly and rolled over. She rested her head on your lap and blindly gestured in the air with her hooves like a cat lazily swatting at a piece of string. “So when we were foals... we had this wheelbarrow, right? And we decided ‘Hey! Let’s have a wheelbarrow fire!’ So we gathered all this stuff, this stuff in the wheelbarrow, right? And I was just trottin’ down the road with my friends and this wheelbarrow, and we were putting everything in it. Just going down the road with this wheelbarrow, right? So we got it, the wheelbarrow, full and set it in the yard, and Amethyst lights it, right? Just lights this wheelbarrow on fire.”

You tried to stand up and she wrapped her forelegs around your belly to hold you down.

“Don’t run away, don’t run away, I’m telling a wheelbarrow story… So the wheelbarrow is on fire, and I’m like ‘That tire’s going to burst.’ You know, the tire on the wheelbarrow. The wheelbarrow that was on fire. So I set up a garden hose just spraying water on the tire.” She puffed her chest out with drunken pride as she slurred. “Kept that wheelbarrow tire from bursting. The whole thing burned ‘cept the frame and tire. All that was left of that wheelbarrow. I shoulda been a genius, you know? I’m a genius for saving that wheelbarrow tire.”

The word ‘wheelbarrow’ no longer held any meaning to you thanks to that story, but it had given you a laugh nevertheless. Still, you were eager to get home and go to bed. “I’m going to take off, Lyra. I’ll see you later.”

“Ohhhh…” she crooned in an almost seductive tone, “My round little tummy is so soft and warm, like fresh cotton candy. Oh it’s such a shame there’s nopony around with the assets it would take to rub it…” She paused for just a moment, then rolled and let her tail brush against your side. “I said it’s such a shame there’s—”

“Forget it, Lyra. I’m going home and going to bed. I have work tomorrow.”

“Don’t be like that.” She pleaded. “It’s a tradition; we gotta do the belly rub after a party!”

You raised an eyebrow with a grin. “It happened once and now it’s a tradition?”

“Well…” she said sloppily, “Howda you think traditions start? Who decided that anything is a tradition?”

You patted her belly. “Get some sleep, Lyra. You’re going to have one hell of a hangover tomorrow.” You said as you stood to leave.

She wrapped her forelegs around your waist once more and pulled you back onto the bed. “You just don’t know what you’re missing.” She stated very matter-of-factly as she let go of you and struggled to hold her balance. “‘Cause at sumpoint an evil human princess must’ve been all ‘Hey! All you humans of Humanland! Don’t you ever give or take a belly rub! It’s a sin to your human…enity!’ It became tattoo for your kind, but we’re gonna break you of that. It’s a bad habit, an’ you’ve gotta learn the joys of belly rubbing.”

Good luck with that.

“Y’know what? We’re gonna do this thing right now.” She pulled your shirt up and stroked your bare stomach. “C’mon, on your back. It’s for your own good.”

You were done at this point. You stood up and started to walk out of the room until your whole body glowed and was stopped dead in its tracks. Although you felt nothing touch your body, it was as if you were being pulled by a strong current of water. It was enough to drag you onto the bed and lay you out flat on your back.

“Oh no you don’t.” Lyra drunkenly sang with a glowing horn. “And just where do you think you’re going, Twinkle Toes? Afraid you might like it?”

You had never been lifted by a unicorn’s magic like that and were thoroughly frightened into submission. Lyra poised her hoof on your stomach and gently stroked in small circles while you sat idle with a sour expression on your face. This was definitely not your finest hour.

No wonder cats don’t like this.

She wasn’t being rough, but it was still uncomfortable. Every circle she made with her solid hoof put galling pressure on your abdomen and made you feel almost sick. It felt a bit like a sore muscle.

“S’amatter?” She slurred in a caring tone. “Oh, I get it… I know what you want.”

“To leave?” You said hopefully.

You were wrong. Your shirt was whisked the rest of the way off and you were rolled onto your back. She placed her front hooves on your shoulder blades and you, not quite sure what you were in for, braced yourself on instinct and—

—And you let out a gasp of pure pleasure from what she was doing. This should not have felt this good, or even good at all, but somehow she made it happen. Her hooves gently traced the muscles in your back and found just the right spot, then moved up and down in smooth gliding strokes. She pushed too hard for just a moment, then found just the right amount of pressure and kneaded the muscles in your back.

You tried to speak but only managed a satisfied unintelligible babble, and relaxed your whole body while she continued massaging you. She rotated her hooves to let their edges follow the contours of your back and spine, which sent pleasurable jolts echoing through your body. She seriously knew what she was doing; her hooves somehow found all the right places and moved just right to make this feel fantastic.

“I knew it…” She said, sounding ready to pass out, “Underneath that grumpy human shell beats the heart of a pony that needs some TLC… Lookit these knots; you shoulda come to the spa with me…”

If this is what a pony massage felt like, you were definitely going to the spa from now on. You had never been this relaxed in your life. Already tired, you had been put into a near trance by her amazing massage. A blissfully deep murmur slipped out of you and you let your eyes close, consciously feeling yourself drift off. You were too relaxed to care about anything at all right now and slipped into a deep and comfortable sleep.

You slowly opened your eyes and blinked hazily in the darkness. You stared up into nothing and lazily collected your scattered thoughts from the murk of your dreams, before it finally dawned on you that you were comfortably tucked into someone else’s bed.

Not again…

The events from the night before slowly came back and it dawned on you where you were. With a quiet yawn you tried to reach up to rub the sleep from your eyes, but found that you were restricted by something warm beside you.

You already knew what, or rather who, it was.

You rolled your eyes and squinted through the dark to find Lyra sound asleep against you. She had cuddled up beside you in the crook of your arm, with her head resting on your bicep and hugging your forearm like a teddy bear. The last thing you remember from the night before was being forced onto the bed and massaged, so at some point after falling asleep she must have tucked the two of you into bed for the night.

You decided the best thing to do would be to slip out of bed while she slept, curl up on the couch until you needed to be up to go to work, and lie your ass off about it if she ever claims otherwise. She still teased you about the last time, and you weren’t going to add more fuel to her fire. Very gently you pulled your arm free of her embrace and slid slowly to the edge of the bed—

—And froze when she began stirring after only putting about a foots distance between the two of you. Before you could move again she rolled over and threw her foreleg around you, holding you in a tight loving grip. She didn’t wake up; she only murmured quietly and nuzzled her soft cheek into your chest. You waited a moment to make sure she was asleep, then carefully peeled her leg free and very gently lifted it off of you. You held it against her to keep her from cuddling you again, and slowly inched out of the bed.

Alright, easy does it now…

Again she fidgeted and again you froze. This time she looked over at you through bleary, barely-opened eyes and was obviously still half-asleep. “I have a headache…” she said mournfully.

Her mane was a mess, her ears drooped lifelessly on her head, she looked like hell warmed over, and you felt a jolt of pity run through you. “I’ll bet.” You said in a sympathetic tone. “Sometimes it’s worth it for a good party, though.” You placed your fingers on her temples and rubbed small circles, trying to soothe her headache.

“Ahhhhhhhhhh…” she murmured, trailing off and laying her head on your shoulder as you rubbed. She was almost asleep once more before, with a flinch, her ears perked up and her eyes flew open. She stared at you with widened eyes for only a moment. “I did it again, didn’t I?” She said in disbelief.

You nodded, assuming she meant putting both of you in the same bed. “Mm-hmm. You didn’t even give me a choice.”

She cocked her head to the side in confused curiosity. You decided to spare her the details of exactly how sloppily drunk she was and instead simply told her she had tossed you onto the bed with her magic, massaged you until you fell asleep, then tucked you in for bed.

Lyra only seemed interested in the part about the massage. “And you liked it, didn’t you? Hah! I knew it, I knew it! Now do you see why I like having my tummy rubbed?”

“No.”

She scoffed and crossed her hooves, looking away with a smug grin. “Well it doesn’t matter now! You owe me! Let’s see you argue your way out of it now!”

“‘Owe you?’” You said laughing, “Hardly! I have rubbed and scratched you so many times you’d have to massage me for the rest of your life just to break even!”

“Break even, huh?” Said Lyra as she gave serious thought to what you said. “How about we just call it even right now and do each other’s backs from now on?”

You came this close to shooting the idea down, but stopped yourself. You hated to admit it, even to yourself, but you were seriously tempted to take her up on the offer. A massage was expensive and here was the chance to get an amazing one in exchange for scratching a pony’s back and ears, something which you were currently getting suckered into doing for free anyways.

Who cares if it’s weird! Do it!

“If you promise never to hurl me around with your magic, then it’s a deal.”

Lyra chirped under her breath and rubbed her hooves together with excitement. She noticed how amused you were by her reaction and immediately tried to act nonchalant. “Did I really toss you onto the bed?” She said, obviously trying to change the subject.

“It was weird.” You said with a nod. “I’ve never felt anything like it.”

Lyra rolled her eyes and patted your head. “First it’s sharing beds. Then it’s Pinkie Pie. Now magic is weird to you? What’s next? Your roommate’s bowtie? Princess Celestia raising the sun? Toast? Hey, while you’re at it, you remember Twilight from the party right? If you don’t like magic, stay the heck away from her. I’ve seen her do all sorts of crazy stuff with magic.”

You thought back to your conversation with Twilight and smirked. “She seemed nice enough, though. And with enough manners not to try and hurl me around with unicorn magic.” You paused and waited for a reaction, but one never came. “You know she asked me if she could hook me up to a machine and measure my vitals?”

Lyra’s head flew back with a surge of laughter. “Some ponies never change; she’s been like that since magical kindergarten. So what did you do?”

“Well, I was afraid she’d probe me or something so—”

“EEW! I do not want that image in my head, thanks!” Laughed Lyra.

You chuckled as you finished. “Yeah, I turned her down.”

Lyra smirked at you devilishly. “I’m surprised you and her aren’t the best of friends. Twilight tends to flip her flank about little stuff just like you! You and her should compare notes sometime; you’d be soul-mates!”

“Hey!” You protested.

The two of you laid back in the bed and laughed for a couple of moments. You continued to giggle while Lyra’s laughter faded into a yawn. “Oh, what time is it?”

You could just barely make out 2:17 on the cuckoo clock. “Oh God, it’s early. I’m going back to sleep.”

She laid back for a moment, and then sat back up. “Hey, since sharing beds is so weird to you, I’ll grab some blankets from the closet if you want the couch.”

You pulled the blankets up around your neck. “I’m not going anywhere. Need I remind you that you forced me into this bed? It’s mine until morning. You take the couch!”

In a huff Lyra grasped the blankets as well. “I’m not going anywhere! It’s my bed!!!”

Even though you wanted the couch to begin with, you were too stubborn to leave. “Suit yourself.” You said as you rolled away from her and onto your side.

You felt Lyra roll in the opposite direction. “Sleep tight, Twinkle Toes.”

“Don’t let the bed bugs bite, Minty Fresh.”

She blew a raspberry your way and laid her head down to sleep. You laid on your side, considering whether or not you really did want the couch, but ultimately decided that if it wasn’t a big deal to her to share a bed, it really shouldn’t be for you as well. It’s not like she was a stranger or anything; the two of you were close enough to be brother and sister. You rolled onto your back with your hands behind your head and stared upward, just barely making out the canopy above you in the dark. You were almost asleep when you felt movement in the bed and a warm leg wrap around you.

“Seriously, Lyra? What if I gouge my eye on your horn—”

—And you cut yourself off when you realized she was fast asleep. Her ear twitched gently as you spoke, but she was otherwise dead to the world. In her sleep she had gravitated toward you and latched on. You very gently tried to roll her over and away and, still sleeping, she murmured in protest and gripped tighter.

Sheesh. This must be hardwired into her.

You admitted defeat. It seemed nothing short of barbed wire and a can of pony repellent was going to keep her off of you, and you were simply too tired and lazy to do anything about it at this point. You whispered “Good night” into her ear which twitched in response, and laid your head back on the pillow.

In less than a moment you had slipped into a deep sleep.

Author's Note

The wheelbarrow story actually happened, BTW. It was me and a couple of friends. It was transcribed word for word from one of my friends, drunk off her ass, as she retold the story.

Superiority

You were drooling. The sound of the trout you had been given as it fried in the pan was music to your ears. It had nearly been two months now of an all vegetarian diet, and you very sincerely missed meat. When you moved here you hadn’t even considered that eating meat would be taboo amongst ponies. As a rather spirited conversation with a dairy cow while waiting in line at the bakery had taught you, ponies weren’t the only sapient animals here. In fact, even if you did end up going back home where cows were just animals, you’d never be able to eat beef again thanks to that conversation. Unfortunately, it still didn’t stop you from craving something that had been a staple of your diet your entire life and you had finally found a way to sate your pining for meat. Fish were apparently free targets here, and were something you planned on eating much more often once you figured out where in Equestria Big McIntosh’s little sister had found a fishing rod.

It had been a few days since you had been given the trout. You knew that Octavia was going on tour that would last about a week, and you wanted to wait until she was gone before you fried it up. Now that the whole heat fiasco in town had died down, you and Octavia had actually been getting along quite well. Her reaction when she found the fish in the fridge had made it clear that she was repulsed by the idea of anyone eating meat or fish, so you decided to wait until she was gone before cooking it as a common courtesy to her. Now with no one to get in your way, you had put your all into this meal and it was going to be delicious. You had rolled it in flour and fried it up in butter, and seasoned and cooked it to absolute perfection. It looked and smelled perfect, and along with your favorite drink this promised to be the greatest meal you ever had.

You dished it up and took it to your favorite spot on the couch; Octavia wasn’t here to enforce the ‘keep food in the kitchen’ rule, and what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. You took your first bite and… heaven. Fish had never tasted this good before. “Nothing is getting between me and this meal!!!” You proudly proclaimed as you wolfed it down.

CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK

You slowly lowered your fork and rolled your eyes. “Of course.” You said cynically. Thankfully, you had forgotten to pull the curtains this morning so it wouldn’t be hard to just pretend nobody was home. You wanted to finish your meal in peace.

CLUNK-CLUNK-CLUNK CLUNK

You weren’t expecting company and whoever was at the door was persistent; perhaps it was important. “Fine!” You yelled, “I’m coming already!” You opened the door to find Lyra’s pale-colored friend at the door. “Hey…” You said, trailing off when you couldn’t remember the name, “…you. Lyra’s friend.”

This clearly annoyed her, and she raised an eyebrow. “Bon Bon.”

“Right, Bon Bon.” You chuckled, “Looking for Lyra?”

“Yeah. Do you know if she’s still teaching her class? She isn’t at home.”

“As far as I know, she is.”

“She hasn’t dragged you to it yet?”

“She’s tried. I was too strong for her.”

As it turned out, Lyra taught a weekend class about human culture and history. She had pestered you quite frequently over the past couple of weeks to glean information or to confirm her notes, which left you in a conundrum each and every time. She honestly didn’t have the slightest clue about what she was trying to teach, which tempted you every time to give her false information. Part of you would remind you she was your friend and it wasn’t right to trick her, while another part would remind you just how funny and easy it was to convince her that Sharknado actually happened and that you were an eye-witness. She even wanted you to give a speech about it in front of her class, which you had to fight tooth and nail to get out of. You knew you’d never be able to keep a straight face if you did, and that you’d end up making a complete fool of yourself.

But it would almost be worth it…

Bon Bon hemmed and hawed at your door for a moment as if she were trying to make her mind up about something. “Uh… do you mind if I wait here for her?”

You shook your head. “Come on in. There’s no guarantee she’ll—”

She hurriedly brushed past you and quickly headed into the living room.

“—come by here.” You turned and followed, and by the time you made it to the living room she had already sat down on the other end of the couch, staring straight forward with an almost angry expression. You didn’t really know Bon Bon all that well; she was Lyra’s friend but you honestly knew nothing about her other than her and Lyra were very close. Bon Bon struck you as Lyra’s polar opposite: While Lyra was generally happy go lucky and cheerful, Bon Bon was something of a grump.

But never this grumpy…

She definitely seemed stressed out about something. You say back at the other end of the couch and continued eating your lunch as you tried to think of something to say.

“Oh, gross! You’re eating meat?!”

You flinched from her sudden criticism. “What? It’s not meat, it’s fish. There’s a difference.” You hammered the point home by taking a noisy bite and making yummy sounds as you chewed.

“No there isn’t! They’re both animals and it’s gross!”

“That’s a matter of opinion! Besides, you didn’t think I became a vegetarian by choice, did you?”

“By choice, huh?” She said with a smirk. “So there are humans that don’t eat meat? Hah! There’s hope for you guys yet!”

You are another large bite of your fish. “Quit talking like ponies are so perfect. I think it’s worth pointing out there has never been a human overlord who wanted to blot out the sun for no apparent reason!”

“Don’t give me that!” She said grinning widely, “You guys had the nutcase with the little moustache who tried to take over the world!”

“Oh, you just had to bring him up, didn’t you?! On the flip-side we had Isaac Newton, so cram it!”

“Yeah? We had Starswirl the Bearded!”

“Hah! Leonardo Da Vinci! Beat that!”

“Anything he did, Acolyte Shimmer could have done better!”

“Oh yeah?! Robin Hood!”

“Daring Do would have trampled that skirt-wearing ring sour!”

You grabbed your copy of Daring Do and the Indrian Fissure from the coffee table and tapped the ‘fiction’ label on the back cover. “Daring Do isn’t real!”

“Neither was Robin Hood!”

“Yeah he was! What do you know about human history?”

She booped your nose. “I know there was no Sharknado, you lair!”

You burst out laughing and almost spat your final mouthful of fish across the room in the process. You fought and struggled to swallow it amidst nearly hysterical laughter, with a thoroughly entertained Bon Bon watching the show. However, her amusement quickly vanished and she returned to the same sour expression she had when she came knocking.

“Hey, are you okay?” You said, managing to swallow your laughter, “You seem really upset.”

Bon Bon hurled her head back with a dramatic growl. “It’s just; I just had to get away from Sugarcube Corner for a while!!! Pinkie Pie is great and all, but living with her is more than I can stand!”

“You’re living with Pinkie Pie? The one who threw the welcome party for me when I got here?”

Still frowning, Bon Bon nodded slowly.

“Geez, what crime against Princess Celestia did you commit to deserve that sentence?”

She glared at you for a moment, until a wavering smirk grew across her face. “Living in a wooden house. It’s being fumigated.”

“You don’t think you’d be better off with the poison? Or… I guess Pinkie Pie’s not like that all the time, is she? The way she was at the party, I mean?”

Bon Bon rolled her eyes. “She is.”

You exhaled in amazement. Pinkie Pie was definitely a high-octane pony that ran on sugar and happiness. You couldn’t recall a single time you saw her walk instead of hop anywhere, and every time you had entered the bakery to buy junk food she would be all over the place and talking so fast you couldn’t even keep up. Still, as annoying as she could be, she definitely had a heart of gold. As much as you just wanted to sleep after the ridiculously long trip here, something which you didn’t get to do until hours later because Pinkie Pie decided you needed a surprise party attended by the whole town, you never once denied that it was an incredibly thoughtful and selfless act. She must have spent hours decorating and baking the food, and had obviously put her entire heart into a party for a perfect stranger just so he’d feel welcome.

Still… how the hell did she know where I was living, or manage to invite the entire town on such short notice?

You were downright amazed that a pony like Bon Bon would want to stay with Pinkie Pie. Lyra had a small place, but there was no reason you could see that she couldn’t have put Bon Bon up for a few nights.

“By the way,” said Bon Bon, “I think it’s Rainbow Dash’s birthday in a week or so. Brace yourself for a party, you’ll be coming.”

“Me? Why would she invite me? I don’t even know who Rainbow Dash is.”

She grinned devilishly at you. “Because she thinks you don’t have enough friends and that you need to lighten up. Remember the welcome party? How you just stood there awkwardly while the rest of us had fun?”

You shrugged. “That’s only because everyone stared weirdly at me the whole time.”

“What did you expect?” She chuckled, “Most of us had never even seen a human before you came around.”

“It made me feel like a specimen under a microscope. I’m kind of shy.”

She crossed her forelegs and stared at you dismissively. “You’re shy? You hop in bed with Lyra, and you rub her tummy for two hours, and you expect me to believe that you’re shy?”

You took a deliberately long, annoyed sip of your drink. “You want me to go get Pinkie Pie and tell her you need to be cheered up?”

Bon Bon gasped with genuine shock. “You wouldn’t dare!!!”

“You’re lucky you don’t have telephones. She’d be here already.”

“What-o-fones?!”

You smirked. “Machines that would let me talk to anyone in town.”

She took a moment to think about that, and then pointed her hoof square between your eyes. “No, you’re lucky we don’t have tell-o-fones! She’d throw a party right here and now, and you’d get caught in the cross-fire!”

“If it meant seeing you squirm, I’d be able to endure a Pinkie Party. At least I’d get some cake and laughs out of the ordeal. Hold on, I’ll go get her.”

You tried to stand and she pinned your hand to the couch under her hoof. She puffed out her chest and tried to look threatening, but the effect was lost on you thanks to her two-tone hair and the image of candy on her flank. “You don’t have the guts!” She snorted, “I will rain death down on you if you try!”

You were well aware that ponies were tough. Just yesterday you had arm-wrestled a blue pegasus over the last cheese sandwich at the café in town, and her rather swift victory had seriously cost you some respect as a man. Regardless, you simply couldn’t help but be amused by Bon Bon’s attempt to intimidate you. “Bring it on!” You teased, pulling your hand free and playfully making fisticuffs, “I think I could clobber a pony!”

She realized you were just teasing her, and a huge grin came across her face. “Hah! I’d rack all over you, baldie! You couldn’t even keep up in the Hooves for Hope marathon!”

“At least I ran!” You said with a huff, “I came in last but I still ran! I didn’t see YOU there, bridle-breath!”

“‘Oh no!’” She said in a whining mockery of your voice, “‘This distance at a light gallop is too much for me! I can’t go that far at that speed because I only have two weak legs!’” She paused and thought for a moment, then wiggled her hind hooves, “‘And I need special running shoes, because of my soft human feet!’”

You looked around, grasping for a comeback. You almost immediately found one in the horseshoe that hung on the wall behind the couch. You plucked it from its hook and held it against the bottom of your foot, then in an overly effeminate Bon Bon voice you said, “‘Where’s the hammer and nails?! I want to wear my good shoes today!’”

“‘Uh oh! It’s time to face the great outdoors!’” She wrapped her front legs around herself and pretended to shiver, “‘I’d better bundle up! We humans are too delicate to go outside without a layer of clothes! Why, the sunlight might touch our bald skin!’”

You ruffled your hair to mess it up. “‘My hair is a mess! Fetch my magic wand! Lord knows we ponies can’t do anything without magic! And I’d best enchant my lungs while I’m at it; I wouldn’t want to forget to breathe!’”

Bon Bon threw her hooves to her cheeks and gasped melodramatically. “‘Could that be… MANUAL LABOR?! AAAGH!!! Get the manual labor machine! Hurry! We humans are too frail to do anything without machines!!! Oh I can’t bear to get a callous on my precious and delicate human hands!!!’”

“Bit chewer!”

“Meat chewer!”

“At least humans don’t break out into song and dance at complete random for no reason!”

“Yeah, but us ponies can break out into song and dance at complete random!”

“Yeah, but I can reach the top of the fridge!”

“And I don’t barf when I try and eat hay!”

You gasped. “That never happened! Who told you that?!”

Her lip quivered as she tried to keep from laughing. “And we can do this!!!” She crossed her hooves and put on an emotionless expression. She locked eyes with you and while otherwise staying completely motionless, her ears began flapping up and down like tiny little wings.

Your cheeks puffed out, muffling the laughter that you were literally straining to keep bottled up. Bon Bon’s deadpan expression along with the flapping ears was almost enough to destroy you, but you valiantly managed to keep quiet at first. Then her face scrunched up and a single, loan gag came from her which pushed both of you over the edge. She fell onto her back laughing uncontrollably while you clutched your sides straining to breathe as you convulsed with laughter.

Bon Bon managed to roll back upright and leaned on your shoulder. “Victory… Equinity.” She said between laughs.

“Oh yeah…?” You managed to say amid deep breaths and scattered chuckles. “We can do this. Are you watching?” You tauntingly raised your arm, wiggled your fingers, and then began scratching the high part of your back with an exaggerated motion. “Oh, OH yeah… Give in to the sweet release…” You said in a pleasurable tone.

All the humor vanished from Bon Bon’s face and her ears fell flat. “I hate you…” She said in disbelief.

“Oh, what’s that? My lower back’s itchy as well? Well let’s do something about that.” You slipped your other hand up the bottom of your shirt and massaged your spine. “Reliefs just a fingernail away, right? Oh it’s too bad you don’t have fingernails. Or fingers. It must be utterly terrible when you get a good itch and it’s just out of reach.”

“Ugh, cut it out!!!” She said loudly with an uncomfortable shiver. “You really are making me itch!”

“Victory: Humanity.” You said with a smug smile.

“Oh, shut your trap and help me out, would you?”

You stared in disbelief at the way she had aimed her shoulders at you. “You’re not honestly suggesting…”

“Yeah, I am. Put those fingers to work.” She writhed a bit and her expression softened. “Please?”

“That’s… not happening.”

“Why not?! I’m not diseased! My pony-ness won’t infect your precious hands!”

You scoffed. “That’s not the issue!”

“Well, why not then?! You scratch Lyra’s back for her! Don’t deny it; I know you do!”

“Why that little—that was supposed to be a secret!”

Bon Bon strained to reach the itchy spot on her back with her hoof, but failed with an annoyed grunt. “Lyra’s… just being Lyra, you know. Honestly, I don’t know why you think it’s such a big deal. I mean, how do you think we deal with an itchy back? Heck, I used to scratch her back for her.”

“Seriously?”

She arched her back. “So you’ll do it?!”

“No.”

“C’mon! I’ll scratch your back!”

“No.”

“I’ll pull you around town in a sulky tomorrow!”

“No.”

“Please!!!” She pleaded, rolling her shoulders in very clear discomfort, “It’s driving me up the wall and I can’t reach it and the more I think about it the worse it gets! How can you be so cruel?!”

You sighed heavily. You really didn’t want to do it, but you just couldn’t help feeling sorry for her. She was very clearly suffering, which reminded you what it was like to get an itch in an embarrassing spot in public. It was literal torture, and here was a creature that couldn’t do anything about it ever. You watched her try and rub her back against the couch, and couldn’t stand it anymore.

I know I’m going to regret this.

“Fine. But only if it’s our little secret. Got it?”

Her ears perked straight up. “If it’ll get your fingers into my mane, I’ll agree to anything. I’ll take this secret to the grave and won’t tell anypony.”

“You won’t tell anypony, or anyone, or anything. I will not be known as the town backscratcher.”

Before you could reach over, she scrambled across the couch to your side and draped her front legs across your lap.

“You. Are not. Serious.” You said in utter disbelief.

She looked up at you with an innocent expression. “What? I thought this was how humans did it. Lyra has this book—”

“Never mind.” You interrupted. You honestly didn’t want to know what kind of book that could be. “Let’s just get this over and done with. Where are you itchy?”

She gestured at a high spot on her back and you slipped your fingers into her mane. You ran your fingers around until you found the spot she was talking about, along her spine just above her withers, and scratched slowly and gently. She suddenly sucked a breath of air between clenched teeth and you felt every muscle in her back tense. She arched her back into your hand and you, getting the message, dug your nails deeper into her soft coat and scratched harder.

“Ahh-AHHHHHHHHHH…” She moaned pleasurably. “Little to the left—OH that’s the spot right there…” Her voice trailed off into an unintelligible babble of gentle, satisfied moans.

You couldn’t help but be amused by the sight before you. “God, you guys are like frigging cats. You want me to scratch behind the ears next?”

Still crooning softly, she looked up at you with a dopey, hopeful smirk.

“That was sarcasm.”

She didn’t answer. She slumped lifelessly down across your lap, cooing with bliss and gripped your leg with her hooves. You could feel her chest pressing against you with every heavy breath she took. Well aware that you weren’t going anywhere until she got off of you, you let your head roll backward and stared off at nothing at all. Your mind began to wander, and you found yourself suddenly aware of how much more muscular Bon Bon seemed than Lyra. Lyra had never tried to lay across your lap for a back scratch…

Yet.

…but she had reared up and hugged you countless times. She had told you once that earth ponies were a lot stronger physically than unicorns or pegasi, which you now easily believed after feeling just how heavier Bon Bon is than her. You wondered if pegasi were even lighter…

…When a slow, steady patting sound caught your attention. You glanced over and couldn’t believe what you were seeing: Bon Bon’s hind leg was stuck straight out and gently tapping on the cushion of the couch. You gagged quietly, trying to keep from laughing out loud; Bon Bon obviously had no idea she was doing it and you didn’t want to spoil it. It was easily the funniest thing you had seen since you moved here. With a big grin on your face, you began moving around her back as you scratched, seeing if you could make her hoof move faster or slower. Sure enough, just like a dog she began to kick faster as you traced your fingers up through her mane. You hit a particularly sensitive spot and with a low moan she bit the wrist of your free arm gently, but still with enough force to send a flick of pain up your arm.

“Um, ow!” You said in protest. “Why’d you do that?!”

She looked up at you with her entire face red as a beat with embarrassment.

“It’s… really that good?”

She shuddered happily when you started scratching once more. “Are you kidding?” She said as she grasped your free arm and cuddled it against her cheek, “It’s a lobotomy… I can’t even think straight…”

“I know.” You said in a smug tone. “Your leg is kicking.”

She glanced down at her hind leg and watched it pat on the couch for a moment. She seemed to make a conscious effort to stop, and then laid her head back down. “Shaddap and scratch.” She said unapologetically.

Great. Now there’s two of them. Good job, me.

“This is heaven right here: Just humans scratching ponies’ backs…” she said in a near slur, “You seriously could make money off of this… You could rule Equestria with this…”

“OH. CELESTIA! NO!!!”

The voice startled the two of you so badly that Bon Bon almost rolled onto the floor. In the doorway, hopping on the spot with giddy excitement was Lyra with an almost impossibly wide grin creeping across her face. “This is the best thing I’ve ever seen!!!” she giggled, “After every snide remark you’ve made to me about this, what do I catch you doing?! Getting a back scratch from ol’ Twinkletoes here, and on his lap no less!!!”

“How did you get in here?!” You said, feeling your face turn red with embarrassment.

“D’awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!” she gushed in a mocking baby voice, “Is wittle Bon Bon getting a scwatchy-scwatch? Is he gonna bwush your mane and paint your hooves next?” She almost collapsed with laughter, steadying herself against the doorframe and wiping tears from her eyes. “Okay, okay, just stay right like that!” She said amid hysterical giggles, “I’ll go get my little pink manebrush! And my camera; WHERE’S MY CAMERA?!”

Humiliation and anger turned Bon Bon’s face bright red. “Better get your will ready while you’re at it!!!” She hollered as she exploded off of your lap and tore across the room. Lyra squeaked and took off out the door, with Bon Bon in hot pursuit. You were left sitting on the couch in stunned silence, listening to the chase fade into the distance through the window. The last you heard of it was Bon Bon’s angry voice yelling “Get back here, Minty-Fresh!!!” and Lyra’s taunting laughter slipping away.

“Why me?” You said with a heavy sigh. You wondered for a moment if the little guy who helps run the library has to do this, then without even giving it another thought you leaned back in the couch and finished your drink in peace.

Author's Note

Alright, I seriously can not keep fimfiction from derping the spacing of my indents. I give up.