Crackfic

by Vengeful Spirit

Rating: teen
Tags: Random
Length: 5774

In Pinkie Pie's mind, there is nothing but random sludge and drivel, such as: How many times do you have to read life's chapters of divination and NASCAR to fap to Eddie Van Halen?

In Pinkie Pie's mind, there is nothing but random sludge and drivel, such as: How many times do you have to read life's chapters of divination and NASCAR to fap to Eddie Van Halen? It takes roughly three cups of sugar to jack Pinkie up on Brokeback Mount Doom and cheezits, and maybe just a hint of Applejacks to make a good pie of Pinkie's panties. If you understood any of that, you are now officially permitted to break the fourth wall, Jack Daniel's nuts, and my sanity.

Follow random ponies on their pointless and inane misadventures through the wonderful world of Celestia's vagina as she endeavors to heal the rift in her hymen. Attempt to comprehend the inner workings of the mad mind that is Princess Luna's pet stool. And most of all, try not to die while reading this.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-04-17 13:26:25 UTC

Epiphone Sucks

"And that's when I said to that human guy at Guitar Center, "WHAT THE FUCK?!" He seemed really taken aback about me not wanting to buy the Epiphone LP, so instead I bought a keyboard with a synth to emulate the lasers I was going to fire at the White House. Of course, that was a bust since Osama told me not too. He had other plans for it, after all. Oh, you don't know who the hell Osama is, do you? Well, he's totally not a brony, nor was anyone else at that point. Do you know what it's like, Dashie, to try and not break a tortoises nose? It's like not having chocolate rain or other stupid meaningless internet memes shooting rainbows out my flank. By the way, is that what you do when you fly?"

Rainbow Dash stared at Pinkamina Diane Pie, wondering why the hell she still didn't understand the mare after being friends for almost ten months. It was absurd, trying to comprehend the inner mationations of the psychotic, mentally deluded, and obviously scizophrenic mare. Right then, she proceeded to catch up to the over-eager filly.

"Um...no?"

"NNOOO?! WAT THE HAY!!! Oh, I lost!"

"Pinkie..."

"What?"

"Just stahp."

"Oooo! I know, like playing red light, green light, right? Oh, that reminds me of the time that I went to the Powerpuff Girls world to find Tara Strong's right niple, but it turned out that all I had to do was look at Bubbles-"

Pinkie was rather abruptly cut off by a cyan hoof sticking firmly in her mouth. Her blue eyes widened when she saw the ferocious look on Rainbow's face. The rose coloured eyes really managed to accentuate her rather aggressive stance, and Pinkie felt oddly intimidated at the sight of it.

"Pinkie, what I'm about to do next will make you wonder why you ever wanted to be my friend..."

The pink mare started to feel a trickle emanating from her nethers as the cyan mare drew nearer, drawing in rather frighteningly. Dash suddenly threw her hooves around Pinkie's neck and pulled her into a tight kiss, pushing Pinkie down towards the ground. The pegasus almost seemed to be attacking her friend, trying to pull her into the tightest embrace possible. Her tongue darted into her friend's mouth, battling against the resistance she was recieving. It didn't take long, however, for Pinkie to start to relax into the kiss. After a few more moments, though it seemed like hours to the mares, Rainbow pulled back.

"That's for being my best friend, Pinkie," Rainbow stated, panting heavily as she got off from on top of Pinkie's waist. "If you ever need anything more...intimate, be sure to give me a call."

"How would I do that?"

"I don't know, break the fourth wall again?"

"Oh, that."

Suddenly, Rainbow's hoof connected with Pinkie's face, knocking her down with a resounding grunt. She felt her friend pummeling her, and somehow found herself both scared and oddly aroused. Was this what getting laid with a manticore felt like while eating a fudge sunday? Probably, with just a hint of pepper and Tony Stark.

"Please, Rainbow. MOAR!!!"

Soon enough, Pinkie's nose came, bleeding red globs of blood everywhere. Talk about your masochist. Anyways, soon after that, Rainbow walked away, a smirk donning her lips as Pinkie barely managed to let out a muffled "thank you" in passing. Soon enough, there was nothing left but poor old Pinkie and her missing gummy worms. :D

The day drew into night as Pinkie Pie attempted to think of what to do with the rest of her mundane and nearly pointless existence. It was rather odd, the way she took in ever single blow and resounding defeat with the fanfare of Buzz Aldwin playing in the background. Who was she if not Randy Jackson and his bass? Nothing, thats' what! Maybe ponies enjoyed beating her and kissing her and missing her and hating her and loving her and pissing on her teddy bear and stuff and shit and can I please stop doing this?

Now, for a commercial...nah. "Okay peoples!" Pinkie shouted at nothing. "Maybe you think I'm a worthless punching bag to rape and beat and kiss all you want. But I'm not! From here on out I'm going to be okie dokie loki with only doing what I think is right, and being a Fluttershy...er, doormat is not one of them! DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!!!" The pink mare had trouble not blowing her chest out with the sudden exhalation of all the gaseous elements in her respiratory system.

"I'll become a professor at Celestia's school for gifted Unicorns, whether you like it or not! And we'll all break fourth walls and stuff no matter what you say! I swear before the unholy cript of Sans Berdinardo that you shall not pass, you hear me?!"

And with that, Pinkamina Diane Pie broke the fourth wall and stepped through her gypsy portal into another world. A world filled with technicolor dream ponies and crystal ponies and dragons and no humans and Lyra and the cause of many fappings and stuff and shit and I seriously need to take a chill pill.

How anypony like Pinkie could resist the urge of the calling cupcakes and dradles is beyond even the depraved derp mind of myself and Discord's used Rolex's. Don't ask me how he got them, but there are enough fanboys for that badass lolipoop licker to make a ytp out of this. By the way, have you ever bothered to try eating hay? Try it out, I rather enjoyed it with a side of fish foods.

F**k Gravity

F**k Gravity

Have you ever wished to fly, truly dreamed of seeing the world? We all would love to see the skies, to dream and fly away. That is why we invented airplanes, after all? Ponies, however, seem to take it for granted, as if the fact that there are Pegasi justifies the flightless forms of their lesser breathren.

Unicorns are rather horny, and they can do shit with their pointy things that you or I could only do with about five miligrams of well crafter scopolamine. Then there are the Alicorns, gifted with the ability to both fly and be horny. They can fly around poking random ponies with their little spikes with no consequence, using their sheer abilities to convince everypony that they do in fact raise both the sun and the moon.

But what of the most ignored type there is? How many bronies out there would actually desire to become an Earth Pony? I mean sure, they'd jump on it in a heartbeat if it were their only option. But when offered the powers of flight or the skills of horning things, why would they want to just be a meagre Earth pony?

Pinkie Pie contemplated this as she shifted into Skyrim. She'd always wondered why she had to be born a unicorn, only to have a mere nub of a horn, too undeveloped to even become noticable. It granted her many forms of magic others could barely understand, but it was annoying in its own right. Who wants a full sized horn stuck in their brain? And they thought she was crazy.

"I haven't seen you before. Who are you?"

The distinctly pink mare took a moment to contemplate and consider changing her physical appearance for his benefit. It would be interesting to watch him blush if she popped up as a hippo with no clothes on. After all, we all have you fetishes. But no, Pinkie elected instead to follow the rules of the reality and work therein. Instead, she promptly turned herself into the first thing she could think of; a human woman with a crazy pink hairdoo.

"Hiya! My name's Pinkie! What's you favorite color?"

"Uh...puce?"

"Well then, Mister Puce, I'm sure we'll be the best of friends!"

"Don't call me that."

"Well, I normally end names like Dash with a nickname meme like Dashie, but that wouldn't work with a name like Puce. Imagine being called Pucecy or Pussy or something like that!"

Hadvar slapped his face at the remark. How could anypony stand to be around a mare like Pinkie Pie? The Stormcloak next to her nudged her withe-er, shoulders with his own to try and get her to hurry up. After all, they don't have all morning, do they?

"She's not on the list, Captain. What should we do?"

"Well, normally I don't try and execute innocent people, but with someone that hideous, we need an exception. She goes to the block!"

"By orders, Captain. I'm sorry, Prisoner. I hope that your remains are safely returned to Isengard."

"Isengard?"

"Yes, Isengard. You're a wizard, Pinkie."

"Is there a special school for wizards at Isengard?"

"Um...there's one in Winterhold if you feel like it. My brother Ogmund goes there. He's also contracted syphiliseragonereaAIDS from some Khajiit name Jizzy'argo or some such. It's a horrible venereal disease that only strikes cats and Nords."

"Oh, okay then. So I'm safe if anything happens between us."

"Yeah, yeah, sure."

"Okay."

The captain strode forwards with a strut, announcing, "Kill the first prisoner!" A nordic guy walked towards the block, and told some crazy lady with a robe to shut up about the "Eight Divines" or some such, and then asked for the big hulking beefcake with the ax to lop his head off. Since the black guy was in a good mood, he gave the guy his wish. After all, they only had all morning, right? Also, the Imperial Captain was amazing at sliding. Seriously, she just slid like four feet without even moving her feet!

"Next, the orc!"

Everyone looked around, wondering what the hell she was talking about. There weren't any orcs around as far as they could tell, but they supposed that she was just being blind. General Tulius edged next to his compatriot and muttered in her ear, "You really should go buy some glasses, there are no orcs here."

"I don't speak Idiot, general. I talking about the pink one."

"Oh, okay."

"Don't make me fetch the cattleprod!"

"Yes, Master."

"Good slave. Now let me do my stupid bitch shit."

"I hear and obey, Master."

With that, the witch lady looked back at the crowd of pointless soon-to-be-dead Stormcloaks and the one random pony-antro-human-thing with a critical eye.

"Next prisoner!"

"Nice and easy, hot stuff. To the block."

"Okie doke loki!"

With that, Pinkamena Diane Pie walked over to the block, and stuck her head right down at the same place that the last guy's was removed. This, of course, soiled her with used blood. They didn't even have the decency to clean up, but I suppose it didn't matter. With that, the dragon showed up and random shit happened. I'm not going to tell you the rest right now since I'll probably just make a fic about Pinkie going around trolling in Skyrim or some shit like that, so stfu.

And that, boys and girls, is why we don't slap mods onto a masterpiece like Skyrim.

Defying Gravity

"That was *snifle* beautiful!"

Pinkie sat bawling as she watched the last of Wicked being performed live in the LA area, and never had the pink mare been so moved. It reminded her of the time when she went skinny dipping in Bill Murry's jello bath with Tallahassee, and to this day she had never felt anything so damn amazing.

Without any further ado, the psychotic earth pony stood up, and proceeded to vacate the premises. However, before she could quite leave, she ran into a pair of grown women who were staring at her like a long lost relative. They were both young blondes, but that was irrelevant. All that mattered was that they stared at her pink coat and fluffy mane like it was a living spider about to take root in their little brains and slurp up their womanly juices or something. Ew.

"Is that...what I think it is?"

"Yes, Tara. That's me."

Pinkie suddenly froze in motion, staring at the pair like they'd grown a fourth head or something. What were they thinking, this isn't Diaries of a Madman, is it? No, sorry, this is Crackfic. Oh well, time to get back to Inconsequentiality. Byelo! Okay I'm back. Here we go, time for some more donuts and fluttering butterflies. Where were we?

"Oh my gosh! Is that you, Bubbles? I just saw you the other day!"

"Andrea, can you please call Nicole for us?"

"Uh, momma, is that Pinkie Pie?"

"Yes, honey, yes it is."

"Elphaba, I no longer want the Wizard. Look at that mare!!! She's so fucking hawt!"

"Shut up, Glinda! I want her! Come here, my pretty!"

"How about we share her? Threesomes, you know?"

"How utterly brilliant!"

Pinkie turned to see a duo of witches approaching her. It was creepy, one was white and the other...green. Yeah, I know what you were thinking you racist pricks! The pair of strange jackalopes drew nearer to the poor pink mare, and were about to nab her when Glinda's head flew off. Literally, it was like a volcano!

Mountain Dew sprang out of Elphaba's face a moment later, slumping over as if struck by a round from a Glocke...which it was. Andrea Libman blew the smoke out of her pistol as she stood over the dead witches' bodies. "I hate it when I have to do this," she muttered. "And I thought that Broadway was better than this, too."

Pinkie Pie looked at her counterpart with a critical eye. She'd heard of Andrea before, of course. But seeing herself face to face was like getting bitch slammed with a talking bottle of Captain Morgan's without any recompense or consideration. It was orgasm inducing, to say the least.

"You should really get back to your world, my little pony," a voice behind the pink mare commented. "You don't know what dangers will arise from this world if you remain. Heaven forbid both Johnny Depp and Peter Jackson find you! They'd make a movie with you in it called "Brokeback Mount Doom" for sure!"

Pinkie turned around only to come face to face with Nicole Oliver, the actress of Celestia. While she may not have been the best candidate for a wise decision, Pinkie couldn't help but listen. "Okay," she muttered, and then opened the fourth wall once more to leave this Celestia forsaken world behind her. As it closed, she turned around once to send Tara a blow kiss, then left everything behind.

Pinkie had returned.

The Maximum Character Count For A New Chapter Is Somewhere Around A Lot More Than It Should Be, But I Absolutely Love Doing This. Can I Write A Whole Chapter In Just The Title For All Of You Guys? It Looks Like It Since My Word Count Is Already Exceeding

"Oh shut your pie-hole, Sugarcube!" Applejack vented as she ran down the steps to her farmhouse.

"But Applejack, I want my cutie mark!"

"I said no, Apple Bloom! I will not tolerate having a sister with a used condom as her cutie mark! I don't care how probable that is, no tramp stamps for you, missy. Now get!"

The young filly looked utterly downtrodden as her sister turned her dreams of being a pole dancer into nothing more than a silly pipe dream, unsuitable for the Apple Family. She turned around dejectedly as she walked towards the entrance to her clubhouse. It's not like there was really anything that strange going on, now was there? No, it was just Applejack being Applejack.

"It's just not fair," she muttered darkly as her red ribbon somehow managed to slump with the rest of her form, wilting at the realization that no matter how hard she'd try, nothing would ever quite be as she wished it was. It was almost like the young filly was cursed to live out her days as a medieval crack-addict...

"Wait, that's it!"

With a squeal, Apple Bloom ran full tilt to her clubhouse, destined to meet the group of friends that had somehow managed not to break too many legs over the course of the last few years of their being together.

"Ah got this for sure naow!"

"Nope, I'm not doing it, Apple Bloom!"

"But ya don't know whether er not y'all like it 'til ya try it!"

"I have to agree with Sweetie on this one, Apple Bloom. While I like being all cool and shit, even Rainbow Dash would say that crack is for eggheads and Pinkie. Why don't we try pot instead? First dibs on Cups and Blunts!"

The three Cutie Mark Crusaders remained at an impasse. While Apple Bloom wanted nothing more than to get her cutie mark in cocaine dealing, both of her friends had other ideas about what to use in their dealings. This, of course, did no good since neither of the saner Crusaders wanted to try what Sweetie had suggested. Mixing heroin with methamphetamine was too much even for a crack addict like Apple Bloom, let alone a lowly pot head like Scootaloo. Oh Sweetie, what has the world gotten you into? Other than a filly hole, of course. Pervs.

"How about we take a break from our usual nonsense and try each others drugs out?"

There was a unanimous cry of agreement from the other two at Scootaloo's suggestion. Try everything once, right? Soon, the three had yet again abandoned their usual hideout for the more interesting waves of a sensational manner that were heading right their way.

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADER DRUG ABUSERS, YAY!!!!!"

It took all of thirty minutes for the fillies to get their assortments of needles, blunts, and powder for the three fillies to prepare for the coming excitement. It was as if a child had just discovered their first Christmas present, only to find it was a drowned puppy with its eyes torn from their sockets to be stuffed into a moldy Christmas sock. They were simply ecstatic.

"Dude, are you fucking happy yet?!"

"Oh my God, fuck yeah!"

"Fuck isn't a word, you guys."

"Get off the crank, Sweetie, we're not all fucking dictionaries."

"Fuck you, I can be a fucking dictionary all I fuck fuck fuckity f-f-f-fuckin' want!"

"Dude, did we get our cutie marks in fucking?"

"That's not how you fuck, Apple Bloom!"

"Really, then how do you?"

"I'll show you, babe, I'll show you."

The afternoon dragged on with their rampant shenanigans, and led to many things, not including pregnancy, venereal diseases, or Diamond Tiara's used tampon. However, it did include excessive amounts of sex, copious amount of oral, and other stuff that won't be mentioned here so that I can at least maintain the illusion that this fic somehow fails to warrant a "mature" tag, which it really does. Oh well, why am I rambling? By the way, have any of you ever tried out a Johnny D tag on your tampons? It's a hoot, I tells ya! And a bit of a conspiracy.

The moral of the story is to not try to lift too many pounds of weight at one time, because that would just be fucking stupid. Have a great day, and as always, I love y'all!

Pinkie Origins: A Memo

Pepsi Incorporated

To: Seth Green

From: The Mother Fapper

Regarding: The Pink Thing

Directive: Immediate Termination

It has come to our attention that the pink pony thing has been attempting to escape our holds in the Cell Block 14E. However, it is imperative that the spastic ferret be quickly and inhumanely disposed of, as she is not only a risk to this franchise, but the universe as a whole. None in the Syndicate understand how copious amounts of radioactive soda could create such an abomination, however there is little to no time for us to correct this. It is in our best interest to simply ignore her..it, and terminate its life force.

Compliance is expected. Should you fail to do your appointed task, we will hang you by your balls held in place with splinters while we rub your tummy with jelly. If you find that at all erotic and arousing, get away from your dusty computer screen! Nobody likes you or your franchise, okay?

That aside, how's life been for ya buddy? I've just been gifted with my second child, which means once more, I am a father now! That also means, that you should drop by and say hi. There's no need to be strangers, Seth. Anyways, I'm more than a little curious as to what will come of your life and all that shit. Oh, I digress, don't I?

Terminate the life force of that pink abomination. Terminate it, and preferably with fire. Ya know, if it's not too much to ask. I mean, you could always poison her, shoot her, cut her little pony equine limbs off with a chainsaw, have some of the vulpine members of the Cooper household do it for you. (Sly brought in a Vixen, so they are now technically Vulpines). Just take care of it.

Also, have you ever played any of the Battlefield games? They're so much better than the stupid CoD franchise, I can't believe I ever wasted my money on Black Ops 2 when I could have bought Battlefield 3 instead! The bullets actually travel, there are more guns that actually take work to unlock, and there are airplanes in it! Yes! Motherfucking airplanes!! Buy it now, m'kay?

Ugh, I'm ranting again. What were we talking about? Oh yeah, killing the pink thingy. Just kill her already, okay? I want her head on my silver platter. It tastes too good for copper, so make sure it's silver. Well, good day to ya, and I hope you drop by soon. Goodbye!

End of Message

Message Terminated

The Manbearpig

It had to happen. There is truly no avoiding the inevitable, as Pinkie quickly learned. It was truly only a matter of time before her entire world would come crashing down on her, as her soft, playful mind tries desperately to grasp at the one thing left to her from everything the world had ever known. All those years of training, all those countless days of jumping dimensions and pandering to non-existent characters, Pinkamena Diane Pie was truly at a loss.

Every day for the last six months had been nothing but a complete and utter living hell for the pink mare as she grasped for straws trying to find a solution. Never before had anything so detestable been able to follow her, let alone catch her. And for that she was locked in the quiet little room that her archnemesis had locked her within.

How could something so damn smexy possibly exist? Every time Pinkie saw him, she wanted nothing more than to eat his candy and suck his monstrous lollipop. (Take that how you wish.) And the worst part is, he seemed to enjoy her sweets to. It had all started as just a little casual snacking, the basest of desires being met in a consensual, non-committal manner. However, after months of having a diet that resided almost exclusively off of the manbearpig's candy, Pinkie Pie was ill equipped to deal with even the thought of it ending.

Now I know that everything I just said sounds incredibly dirty and "uncouth", but do cut me some slack, won't you? Everything there was meant to be completely platonic (yeah right), and not at all a form of mindless, juvenile humor to pander to my crude little audience. Oh wait, sorry, no breaking the fourth wall! Oops. Anyways, back to my mindless little fic.

So Pinkie Pie decided to do the only thing she could: eliminate the competition. It started with Bon Bon, the most immediate threat to her pointless monopoly over the strange creature. She bought four little bottles of eye drops, and laced all of Bon Bon's produce with it. For those of you that don't know, putting trace amounts of eye drops in any consumable is a better laxative than even ex-lax in brownies, so naturally this left all of the light coated mare's clientele shitless.

The next, of course, was Derpy. How the hay could Pinkie possibly compete with those mare's muffins? Everypony wanted to butter them, and next to them, her own cupcakes were nothing special. Oh how the pink mare seethed in rage at the sight of such blasphemy to her ridiculously sugar-coated diabetic poison. It truly burned her up inside to see such relative bitterness becoming more appreciated than the nigh on pure sugar that she tried daily to stuff down everponys' throats.

The solution was simple: Convince Applejack to help Derpy make some more muffins. Considering the last time the cowpony had done it, the world could only go one way....west by south for eight clicks of a mile. Somehow. So of course, the next prime target was just as simple: eliminate the Cakes.

Yes, as much as she loved the Cakes, it was high time that the student rose past the master. Besides, she was getting tired of being aroused every morning at the sight of Mr. Cakes fugly jaw. It's rather embarrassing to trot around smelling of pheromones just from seeing a stallion's jawline, even one as hideously gorgeous as Mr. Cake's. Good luck ever watching my little pony again without staring at his underbite, those of you who are actually wanting to try reading this far in.

The manbearpig had a name, by the way. It is Mister Richard Bryce Philemon, for those of you wondering, and he is in fact a corporate executive, KGB special forces agent, and a double agent for the CIA of Equestria and the crown. This is only relevant since he is on the cover fanart to this fic, and that's really the only reason I am even writing this chapter. That, and stuffs. But I digress.

Pinkie Pie ate one of the cupcakes in her nearest batch and suddenly sprouted insect wings. Don't ask why, there's no fun in making sense. Anyways, with her new found ungodly powers, the eccentric mare when about the only thing she could possibly think of: flying in aimless circles all day long. All. Day. LONG.

"Pinkie, get your fat lard ass back down here!" Mr. Cake shouted viciously. The editor promptly shouts over my shoulder to delete that, but meh. "I need your lazy bum self to bake me eight thousand cupcakes in the next three hours, or my name isn't Mr. Crabs...er, Cakes!"

"Yes Master!" Pinkie immediately replied, obviously obeying due to her dronish hive mind that the Cakes had granted her after being given the pink mare in return for her parents being able to keep the farm. What? It's my fic, shut up. Why do you think Pinkie works for them so much?

Anyways, she willing complied, working herself near to the point of death for no other reason than to be an idiot that does and thinks what she's told. After hours of mindless, underpayed labor, Pinkie decided to take a rest in her small living quarters, silently slipping into her bed as she slept next to her fifteen illegal immigrants and one lethargic croc.

"Good Night, everypony!"

"Buenes noches, puta!"

Eat My Llamas

"Carl, that kills people!"

"Oh, my bad!"

Pinkie watched from her hoverboard as the pair of llamas continued to argue about the intricacies involved in the wanted murder and consumption of human beings. She couldn't help but giggle at their antics.

"Ga-haha! *snorkle* That was so cute! Do you too have a relationship?" she asked, looking down on them from above.

"Uh, no?"

"Carl?!"

"What?" Carl asked, looking nervously at his fellow llama in crime. "Do we have a relationship? I thought we were just talking about-"

KABOOM!!!!

...

...

...

~The End~

Not really. :trollestia:

In The End

"Pinkie, what did you do with my socks?" Rainbow asked, yawning as she woke up.

"I don't know, Dashie! Maybe it was raccoons..." Pinkie giggled, pulling the cyan mare into a passionate kiss. Rainbow returned the favor, slipping her tongue into the other mare's mouth. They held each other tightly for nearly a minute before needing to pull back and breath. "Damn I didn't know you were so good at this!"

"I try my best," Pinkie said, smiling at her marefriend. "So what do you have planned for today Dashie?"

Said mare took on a wicked grin. Pinkie knew the signs quite well by now. She knew that the pegasus had a devious mind when it came to pranks and apparently today was no exception to that.

The End

"Damnit, were'd that come from!" Dash shouted in surprise. She tried batting it out of the air but it just stood there immovably. At a closer inspection, the floating words didn't seem to have any mass to them, yet they held firmly against her hoof. Probably made of anti-matter or something like that.

"Dashie, I wouldn't touch that..." Pinkie stated, a scared look on her face.

"What is it, Pinks?" Rainbow asked, not peeling her eyes off of it for a moment.

"It's...it's..."

"What is it?!"

"It's...The End."

"Lol, wut?"

"It's just what I said, Dashie," Pinkie said, a tear starting to fall down her cheek. "It means that this story is drawing to close..."

"What are you saying?" Rainbow asked. Her cocksure grin was starting to be replaced by something new to her: fear. If Pinkie, the mare who giggled at the ghosties and laughed in the face of a dragon, was scared, nothing good could come of this. "Pinkie, please tell me!"

"No! I let you end us like this, Author!" Pinkie cried out, hugging her beloved closely. "You can't have her!"

Since this is my story and I can't do whatever I want, her indignant cries simply fell on deaf ears. She held her marefriend closely, knowing that the end was-

"Hey fuck you!" Pinkie said indignantly.

What? I'm just wrapping up the story since it hasn't had any real viewership or much of a point-

"No! You're not allowed to do this! Not to me, not to Dashie! I love her!"

Well fuck you Pinkie, I write what I want!

"If you stopped writing us, that would be first degree murder to all the characters in the story!"

Pinkie, all stories must eventually come to an end.

"Not this one!" she said, holding Rainbow tightly. "Are you so callous? I still haven't done any pranks with Rainbow today or-"

"Um, Pinkie...Who're you talking to?"

"Just the Author, silly!" the pink mare giggled to her friend. "The source of that thing over there." She calmly pointed at-

The End

"Oh come on, that's not even fair!"

Oh, you want to see 'not even fair', do you?

"Wait, that's not even what I sai-"

A giant fireball lands on Canterlot Castle, killing both the princess's and all the ponies nearby. Gummy gets a heartattack and dies while the cakes start eating their own intestines.

"No! You can't do this to me-"

Rainbow Dash slaps Pinkie across the face, a scowl on her own. "How could I ever love a stupid bitch like you?"

"No, don't do this-"

The cyan mare is suddenly hit with a stray bullet from an otherworldly hunt square in the side of her head, killing her instantly.

"Why?!"

The cake twins walk inside of the room before Pound pulls out an AK-47 and blows Pumpkin away. He then turns the gun on himself in shame and repeats the process. A bit of the blood splatters on the side of Pinkie's face.

"Stop it!"

Pinkie's sister Maud walks into the room and say, "I've always hated you, Pinkie. I might not be good at expressing it, but I despise everything you represent with a burning passion. Just fuck off and die."

"No, you evil-"

Pinkie was angry at this. She couldn't help but feel the burning coals in her stomach at her sister's cruel words.

"No...please."

The pink mare reached over for a conveniently located knife that just happened to sit right next to her. After all, the psychotic bitch had them stored all over Ponyville for any sadistic murder needs that she might have needed.

"Please...please just stop..."

With an angry hoof, the young mare rushed forward and drove the point into her sister's chest. It went in nearly two inches before hitting bone.

"No..."

The psychotic mare started to drive the point forward, shifting her weight onto her back hooves as the point started to drive further into her sibling's flesh. The bone started to make a distinct crunching noise...

"I'm sorry Pinkie! Just stop!" her sister cried out pleadingly, but Pinkie didn't stop. She couldn't help herself she hated her sister so much.

"Damn you...damn you..."

"Pinkie please!" Maud cried out before the knife slipped off of a bone and found its way deep into her chest. Pinkie smiled maniacally as the point drove home. Maud gave a muffled cry as blood started to flow out of her mouth. Pinkie just laughed.

"How could you..."

Maud grasped Pinkie's bloodstained hoof for a moment before she spasmed. And just like that the only pony in Pinkie's family that ever cared for her died at her own hooves.

"I will kill you..."

All the while, I the author chuckled at the sight of it. Of course, Pinkie wasn't done. There were four other Elements left for her to rape and kill in every worst possible way.

"I will kill you!"

Oh please, you can't do shit to me. I'll throw another 'The End' sign in there just to reinforce who's God in this story.

The End

Now that that's done, Pinkie gets up to-Wait, where'd Pinkie? Oh God no! How'd you get out there-Noo! Ack! No, please stop! Agh! No!

Heya guys! This is Pinkie here, don't worry about any of the stuff that just happened, I'll fix it. God that guy was a prick...Anyways, let's have a party!

And like that Pinkie threw the biggest most super-fantastically-awesome party with her closest friends who totally weren't dead at the Canterlot Castle that was perfectly fine after the meteor missed the planet by a few million miles and made yet another crater on the moon for Luna's benefit. Happily ever after!

The End.

See guys, a much better color! It's all bubblegummy! Speaking of which...poof! Gummy's back! Now the things I can do with this world...