The Positively Splendiforous Adventures of Markus Rhodes.

by Lord Erhswin Wholewheat

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Romance, Original Character, Tragedy, Random
Length: 2255

Help! The world is collapsing and only a self-insert can save it!!!

This is dedicated to all the cuties out their.

Markus Rhodes was just your average everyday Brownie till one day he was eaten by something. now as the Alicorn/Zebra/changeling/Greek god/noodle conveniently named Markus rode he must save Horeseplace from all kinds of dastardly villains like Albert. These are quick excerpts from his adventureseses .

DISCLAIMER: Reading this story is the equivalent to cuddling with the engine of a speed boat.

Published 2013-07-03 15:50:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-05 17:16:29 UTC

how rude of him...

If you are reading this then let me be the first to say it. I am so incredibly sorry for you right now.

Hello I'm the Markus Rhodes and if your too much of an idiot to readthe description then let me tell ya somethin. I'm an alithing and it ain't always been like that. yasee one day I was just walkin up my home doin stuff and watching ponies on the internet becuase im bronze and Discord just opens a portal! Yea you heard me Discorf!

NO NOT THAT!!!!!!!!

DIS GUYYYYYYY!

Anyhat back to the story. I just see Discore open some random ass hole in the continuim of space in my house so i did what any sane human would do.

"DISCOURSE" I yell "GET AWAY FROMT HE TV IM WATCHING THAT!!"

With a violent snaz Delcourse ended the TV I was watching and replaced it with portal.

"Im sorry Markus but now is your time to save horselan." Intercourse said as he picked me up by my arm and tossed me in the portal.

"I'LL REMEMBER THIS!!!!!!!!!!!" I screamed as the portal grew smaller and smaller away. in truth though that was the last time i ever saw Parkour....

when the portl opened i fell 500 hundred ft into the sky before i finally hit the ground "Thnk Satan this grass was hear to cussion my fall!" i yelled to myself as i got up. it was then that i notticed that i was horse. i looked into the puddle to see my reflection and i had a pretty cool horn and was grey with blond hari. i also had batwings that made me instantly think iwas as cool as batman my eyes were weird byut ohwell. and on my delicous well toned flank was a picture of my idol Bill Cosby. he was probly my cutie mark because i can do good voices of him. but then i remembered.... im not home anymore. my family my 2 brothers Frankie and Louie my little sister Violin and my dear mother. John. but then i remembered! that their boring anyway so i continued on my way to horseville were i would make friends with the main 5 and Applejack

26,280,000 minutes later

At this point in time i was able to remember horseville with all my heart. i was friends with almost everyhorse (even got lucky with some if you know how i click mmmmhhhhmmmm.) i was able to master flying withing a terabyte of a second and im now faster than Dash and her turtle combined pinkie throws me a party every day with viynl scarth djing and i was able to get better at twilight sparkly than magic by reading one of her old newspapers some even say i the best property in all of equestria. yes life was great and it was even better today as i was walking down the street with nothing to do when my friend walked up to me.

"hey man man." he said

"hello friend who says a word twice in all of his sentences i said"

"why do you do that anyway" i said

"oh yea that it's it's so i have a trat to identify me so.... what's the word word again...." he sat their snapping his hoof to try and retell the memory "oh yea. so the author doesn't have to to give me personality"

"if you insist" i say

"hey aren't you going going to that big baseball game today?"

"yea im vsing the whole enemy team by myself" said i "are you coming"

"I I wish I could man but I broke all the bones in my hooves simulating those snapping sounds..."

"well okay" i said as a walkened away

how rude of him... i thought not being able to go to my big game and all. i'll just unfriend him on Myspace. Yea taht'll show im! I thought as I trotted off happily to the big game biggest of my life.

Potato Knishes

This was it. the moment the top right corner of my coverart foreshadowed. the baeball game. I was in my bunker pretending to be nervous when 4 of the main 5 and applejack walked in. they all wished me luc in their own special ways.

first twilight

"h-hi Markus i just wanted to say good luck with the big game and your super cool and smart and everything adn after this game we should definatly get marries"

"ok" I said

then fluttershi came in her usual scared way.

"hey your the same species as me so I'm to scared to ttalk to you but i think your super sexy imsorry"

"ok' i said

then the fashion came.

"why hello their darling. how are you doing darling. what a lovely day darling. i crafted you this darling little outfit that i think would just look darling on you darling"

"ok" i said as witty as ever

then some background character walked up tome

"arthurs curn't do mai acshent rought so ahhmd juster nawt gunna tawk anhyneighmar."

"wut" i siad.

and then after that these 2 news reporters from the coolest news place in the sity of stalbes came up to me

"Markus this is the most dangerous team since the phillydelphia Fliers took Equestria by storm in 19,082 A.L how do you feel about this match?!"

"yeah" I answered confidently

"THAT'S AMAZING" the reporters said in unison "WE GOTTA GET THIS DANK TO DA PRESSES RIGHT PRONT" and then they sashayed out the door like a mariachi band that has just received a extremely generous tip.

soon afeter they called my name and i went on to the diamond. after swatting sun out of my eyes i knowticed many ponyes filling up the audience. i saw derpit, bun-bun, tooth paste, the town drunk, lizard, and background pony #3. they were all chering for my victory but that was not what ate my ettentipon what did catch my attention was the three throne rooms above all the other seats

"By Cthulu's neckbeard" I quietly said to myself

in the bottom two chairs sat princess cadence and princess luna but those were were small anteaters compared to who was at the top  sat at the very top was a white coated beauty with some wierd multie colored hair that always flowed in the direction her makeup crew put her fan. yes i am talking about none other than the sun godess herself... princess celery. they wished me goog luck and then rainbow dash did a sonic rain boom over the stadium to tell that the game started the audience sighed in boredom (after seeing my googaplex rainboom people got bored of dash). I got up to bat but before the other guy can throw balls the empire said something to me

"dese be the toughest gais in da league mang. we can still get you a team a helpers to do stuff for yuh"

I looked down suddenly serious and said in my most serious voice

"no"

"but why mang??????"

I got a look of dark sadness

"because.... I wrestled before and i learned from a very important person in my life that if you wrestled everything else in life will be easy"

the empire got tears

"alright i'll be making eyes at you out their mang... my eyes."

I thanked him and then the game started. they through the first ball at me and i hit it so hard that i won the game. but the ball flew very far out of the diamond

"It's in the dessert now!!!!!!" one of the eneimies said

"noooooooo that was our grandaughter's" they all said in unison

i got sad that this was sorta my fault even though they should have just surrenedered the game

"noone should go without a good ball" I proudly proclaimed "i shelt find it for yas"

"hooray!!!!" they all screamed at top lung as i flew to desert.

Fiddlesticks...

When Raadaaeteteityteitei and i finally got to the dessert it was hot. i mean like the type of that let's you cook savory griddle cakes on the cobblestone rode. thank japan im part ramen so i was able to absorb plenty of moistness before getting here. my partner on the other hand was not so lucky.

"Gee im thirsty man maybe i can go taste up some of them scrumptious cacti"

don't do it man i said

but before the words could register in his brain he already had his lips wrapped around the girth of the cactus. but the cactus proved to pointy for him and he popped.

"Ratatei noooooooooooooo!!1!!" i screamed on my cry.

"you were the best friend a horse could have" i said with tears. i remembered when we first met he was a pegasus  born with 267 extra chromosones so he looked like a heap of trash crumbled together but we both had bill cosby cutie marks and when we were training as trash cans for the united neighshons twenty seven million and five point one minutes ago. oh celery oh infinite fucks he was their for me throughout this whole adventure what could i possibly do without him now!?!?!!. juust after that the desert exploded. i was caughing up bits of scorpion when i notticed a shape coming out of the grass i could not tell what it was from sand swirlies but soon it cleared and my mouth fell off.

Above me flew a beholder... one that I knew well. Its single eye glared at me with an intense hatred bred from years of humiliating loses. As I took a defensive position It's many tentacles moved into place ready to rip me asunder at any- I-I-i mean it was GREAT SPUD!!! that looked incred angry and want me ded i looked at him

"AZZLEDEAN THE GREAT SPUD!" i screamnt

"WHY DO YOU PESTER MOI"

"TO MAKE YOU THE SUFFER" Aganazer siad

"i have capture friends and now we will make all of planet into mcdonalds"

"you monster i seathed

"Captain Planet will never let you do this!!

"But ha! since i have all the elements you can no longer have him summon!!! said Albuquerque

"that's right...." i thought

"well then ill have to use that" I said that as i took out a cellphone

"you bastard!11!!' algafrazzle said

"you promised you would never do this"

"desperate times call for deseperate measures" i looked heroically serious

"if you do this you will never be able to live with yourself" alfredo screamed

"oh yes i can" i said with smirk

"dude don't do it your lives at steak" said ratatei

"be quiet yur dead!!!" i yelled back

"ok" he said and then gravestoned

i dialed the phone and when it wrung the ground started shaking and spud got fear i could hear him quietly whisper no and then the sky lit up as if the sun itself was being brought down but it wasn't and then the clouds parted as a light beamed down from the sky and landed in between us. and down from the clouds descended... an ordinary squid. it hit the groudn with a thud and flopped around for a bit while we stared at it. Algebra looked up at me adn his eyes narrow

"how could you..."

after that he tearned into dust from a lazer hitting him in his weakspot and i quickly turned my head to see were lazer come from. i noticed the person who fire lazer was another alicorn who looked just like me but not like me at all because he looked diffrent

"hello they're" he said

"oh no" I muttered. it was my arch rival... Gary... Gary Stu.

"Oh fiddlesticks..."

Why we rotate.

we were haing an angry staredown when twilight ran up to us.

"markus what is this. i thought you loved me"

"ew no he has cooties"

"well who is he then"

"he's my rival and the main badguy of the story"

"but how can the bad guy be so sexy?"

markus noticed that the twilight was falling for him and soon he knew that the world itself would become part of his ego he knew he would have to stop him the only way he knew how.

"GARY" i exasperated

"I challenge you to a contest. we must race each other around the universe and whoever wins first can be the main character of this story"

"Les do this!" said gary as we got itno racing positions. twilight waved the checkers board and we were off. we flew up so fast and so high that we both did rainbooms as we got into the atmosphere. but soon markus and gary were cut short because as they were about to leave the atmosphere and go into space the sun convinetly happened to move in front of them burning them both into crisps. twilight saw the sight and shrugged

"books" she said as she trotted off

Meanwhile in Canterlot

Princess Celestia and Pinkie Pie were together on the highest tower in the castle of Canterlot Celestia's horn glowed yellow as pinkie watched attentively through a pair of binoculars.

"Tango down" Pinkie clipped to Celestia. Her horn stopped glowing and a pleased smile came across both their faces as they gave each other a hoof bump.

"No one EVER makes a fic with Pinkamena Diane Pie and then gives me no lines..."

"No one calls me Celery..."

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