Paula Dean learns a valuable lesson

by firestripe

Rating: mature
Tags: Other, Comedy, Random, Crossover, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Applejack, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1873

After her three TV shows get cancelled, Paula Deen pays a visit to her distant cousin, Apple Jack, for a lesson in friendship.

After getting the boot on "The Food Network", Paula Deen pay's her distant cousin, Apple jack, a visit for a lesson in friendship she will never forget.

Warning: Naughty words

Published 2013-07-02 23:20:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-02 23:20:02 UTC

Hey yall

"Dammit Paula! Three show's cancelled, down the drain....I cant even look at you right now! GET the fuck out of my office!"
The angry producer of "The Food Network" was infuriated. Not only was Paula losing money for him, she was a racist bitch in the process.

"Mar-quis, nig-guh," said Paula Deen emphasizing each word greatly

"Don't Marquis nigga me Paula, it's to late for that! Now get the hell out of my office, until you learn about the power of being a true true friend, your'e getting cut from The Food Network."

"Yall aint even giving me a chance!" Paula said defensively. "Ill show yall that I have more grip on friendship then you and all the niggas on the set!" and with that, Paula stormed out of Marquis's office and Into her makeup room.
It was true. Paula didn't know a thing about friendship, and now it was about to cost her her job. Due to her bad social skill's and how incredibly racist she was, her only friends were Butter and Margarine.

One way or another Paula Deen was determined to save her job. And looking back on family reunions, Paula remembered one family member in particular. If anyone could teach her the power of friendship it would be her distant cousin Applejack. So using the amazing power of butter, Paula teleported to Ponyville, determined to find her cousin and learn all she could about friendship, to save her image and her TV show's.

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When Paula arrived at Ponyville she looked around for anything apple related that would indicate where her cousin lived. Eventully she got sweaty just from looking around so she decided to go into the nearest building and ask for help. She walked through the door's of a tree library thing and was greeted by a purple horse with a cock on it's forehead.

"Hi! I'm Twilight Sparkle, let me know if you need any help locating a book," said the Purple horse cheerfully.

"Bitch did I ask yall for your name?" asked Paula somehow aggravated by all the love and happiness of Ponyville

"Hey! You sound like you're related to my friend Applejack!" said Twilight picking up on the southern accent

"Yeah, yall know that bitch? I'm look'n for her,"

"Of coarse I know her! She is one of my best friends and after all the element of honesty!"

"Nigger, did I ask who she is?"

"Ummm...Nigger?" asked Twilight Sparkle confused by this new word, for she had a better vocabulary then anypony in Ponyville

Right then and there something inside Paula Deen popped and she went full blown racist.
"Yall know what? ALL PURPLE HORSES ARE POOR AND STUPID!" and with that Paula left the library leaving Twilight to cope with such racism.

As Paula Deen left the library angrily, something bumped into her.

"Oh sorry...I dint see you there....said a gentle voice from what looked like a stick of butter with wing's.

"Bitch yall best be lying cus I know 450 pound's aint hard tuh miss!" yelled Paula at the now cowering stick of butter

"Oh but really...I'm so sorry, I should really be more careful...."

"Yall pro'bly right! If I catch you bumpin your bitch-ass around here anymore, me and my cus Applejack will put the boot up your tight little ass, yall understand?"

"Oh but Applejack would never do such a thing...."

"Wait, yall know that bitch?" asked Paula who got hungry and started eating a stick of butter raw.

Oh yes she live's in the Appl-" The stick of butter with pink hair never got to finish her sentence

"Uh duh duh duh duh," Paula cut off "Yall think i'm walking there? Nah bitch yoll gonna carry me," and with that Paula got onto Fluttershy's back. Fluttershy struggled to carry the weight for she could feel her self sinking into Paula's warm and massive ass crack.

"Giddy up horsey!" Paula yelled, slapping dat Flutterass

Okay.... Said the Flying butter stick trying her best to just move one step.

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8 HOURS LATER

Fluttershy finally carried Paula to the front door of the Applefarm. The sun was setting into a beautiful sunset of butter yellow and melted butter orange. Before knocking on the door, Paula made sure to thank Fluttershy by picking her up and shoving her down her deepest belly roll ensuring that she would not escape. Then she pounded her fist againced the door.

"Yall better open dis door before I break it down yall hear?" yelled Jimmy dean sausage impatiently.

"I'm cummin," yelled a younger voice, there was a long pause "Okay now i'm coming," said the voice again approaching the door.

"When the door opened Applebloom was greatly surprised by a familier face.

"My fatass cousin!" Applebloom said embracing Paula with a hug

"Girl I recommend not leanin in so deep unless yall want to end up like the poor stick of butter I met today,"

Applebloom was confused by what she just heard, but just brushed it off.

"Com'on in!" said Applebloom allowing Paula to enter the modest home

Yall thirst'en?" asked Applebloom

Paula realized that she had been moving an awful lot today and she was indeed thirsty
"Sure bitch, whatcha got to drink?"

"Well I'll show yall!" said Applebloom ushering Paula to the fridge "We got apple soda, apple water, apple juice, apple tea, apple co-," "Hey ow!!"

Paula shoved Applebloom to the side and got out a real refreshment. She took out to sticks of butter and plopped them into a pot over the stove.

"What in the haymitch are yall doing?" asked Crapplebloom

"Mak'n tea" Paula replied adding some mayo to the mix

Paula poured her "tea" into a big gulp cup and filled it to the top. She then walked into the living room and took a seat with Applebloom.

"So ...Paula...what bring you down here? Shuld'nt yall be busy harvesting butter at the butter farms?" asked Applebloom innocently.

"Shouldn't yall be busy mind'in your own damn business?" snapped Paula

Tears welded up in Appleblooms eyes. "Well sorry..I just wanted to start a conversation..."

"You know what? I dont even like you, now where's that inbred of a sister of your's...Applejack? She's the only reason I'm in this ugly shit you call a house."

"Well she wont be back for another hour or so....She's out bucking tree's,"

So for the next hour Paula just sat there sweating like a pig giving Applebloom the stare. To add to the uncomftorbility Paula started queefing and since Applebloom didn't know that was possible she had no idea what to think.

After an hour of awkwardness Applejack came through the door, only to be greeted by a fat pile of lard with mascara.

"Well ill be the lotion on masturbate'in day, What bring's you around Paula?" asked Applejack

Paula ushered for Applebloom to go upstairs before she explained herself. When Applebloom was gone she spoke.
"I need yall to teach me about the power's of friendship or my TV show's 'll get cancelled," said Paula with meaning

Applejack laughed "Friendship aint something yall can learn! Yall either born a friend or youre a lonely pile of shit, simple as that!"

"But it aint just that," pleaded Paula "I'm also very racist and no one appreciates it!"

Applejack thought for a moment and came to a conclusion "That I can fix!" she said
Using her Applejack powers, AJ summoned The princess of the sun her self.

Princess burst to life into the room. Oddly enough she was wearing a full body strap and a leather dog mask. "Mmmmmm iseeofd," Mumbled the princess

"Yalll best speak up Princess," said AJ

Then using her magic, she removed the gagger that was in her mouth, hidden by that mask.
"I said, this better be important," said the awkwardly dressed Princess

Paula then stepped up and began to explain herself to the Princess. She explained how she loved being racist but the media also loved taking her down.

"I see..." Said the Princess "I may be able to help you...If you think you're ready," said the princess

"Oh please oh please anything, Paula pleaded.

And with that, Celestia bowed her head down touching Paula with her horn on her forehead. Light began to cast and there was a surge of energy throughout the room. When the light returned to normal, Paula looked down at her arm's, they seemed toned and fit?
"What happened?" Paula asked "What's wrong with my voice!?" she asked for she heard the voice of a male

"I transforrmed you," said Celestia giving Paula a mirror.

"Paula" stood shocked. What stood in the mirror was not a fat pile of mashed potatoes, it was a fit, well dressed grown man.

"Wha-what did you do?" asked Paula uneasily

Celestia spoke up. "You said you wanted to be a racist douche, and have lots of friends that weren't food, and also have the media love you correct?

"Correct," replied Paula

"Well your new name is Tosh.0 and you will now be on "comedy central," said celestia

"How does this change anything?" asked Tosh/Paula

"Now you can say all the racist shit you want and still have people love you," said Celestia

"But what about my husband?"

"Oh he was always secretly gay, so it works out for him to!"

Paula then took it upon herself to remember how many times her husband got her naked, blindfolded her, handcuffed her, and tied down her legs, just so he could run away.

Tosh hugged both Celestia and AJ "Thanks guys, for letting me live out my dream of being a racist douche," and with that Tosh teleported off to go start his/her career.

Celestia turned to AJ, who was shocked by the transformation. "Ill be expecting a letter from you my dear," and with that she poofed off in a ray of light, leaving AJ alone with her thought's. For today a legend was born and a moral was tought. And AJ was sure as heck happy for that.

And that's why Tosh.0 gets away with serious racist shit today. The end.

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EPILOGUE

"Spike come out and take a letter!" AJ announced

On command, Spike burst out through one of the three of AJ's holes ,(I'll let you decide which one), Pen and paper in hand.

Dear Princess celestia,
Today I learned that th media is full of shitty prick's. I mean, here's poor old miss Deen getting all this grief over saying the N word 20 years ago! And there goes tosh saying his Asian jokes and his Arabian jokes, now that's just not cool. And I betcha yall will sometime in your life read a fanfiction story online and call the author racist couse of the use of the N word. Then you'll go listen to lil mayne drop the N word 500 times and not give a shit. This is bullshit. Fuck you and your whole entire royal family- Applejack.

Author's Note

This is based of a picture I saw on I funny, though I cant find it anymore...

Also I wrote this couse the whole Paula Deen "controversy" is bullshit and she dosent deserve all the hard shit shes getting