I am Not

by Night_Shine

Rating: teen
Tags: Sad, Romance, Dark
Length: 3005

Characters in a dream don't actually exist, right? Have you ever tried telling one of them that? What would they think if you brought one into the real world?

A young mare unknowingly escapes from her forgotten world, only to learn that she was a figment of another pony's imagination. That pony, Princess Luna, brings her into the real world to show that she does exist…but someone (or something) else is pulling at the strings who has its own malevolent agenda, and it is an entity that is not to be trifled with.

However, another pony whom no one expected will arrive, a pony who will change that mare's life forever…

This story takes place before the events of Wisp, but you don't need to read that to understand this story…though it may help you understand who exactly the villain is.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-07-17 05:50:51 UTC

1: Forgotten Sea of Faces

Below a dull haze of cotton clouds, stained cherry-pink, a nameless mare in a nameless house in a nameless town awoke. The moon, whose dawning light whispered a gentle call to awaken the nameless inhabitants of the nameless house in the nameless town, had hidden herself behind a shroud of violet mist. None of her children, the nameless thousands who lived lifelessly below her, would have or could have ventured the slightest hint of a guess as to why she had hidden her light behind a mask of shadow.

A symphony of crickets awakened the one among them from her nonexistent dreams of sunlight and of glee, of fire and of pain. Their quiet chirps, that soft lullaby that had awakened her every night in her living memory, floated in through the open window and gently prodded her from rest, drawing her out of the sanctuary of slumber to once again face the world as she knew it.

Collapsing in a heap on the floor, still not fully drawn out of the restful grasp of sleep, she stretched out her bleary eyelids to take in the pale light of her home, light that blurred itself together into a vast array of shapeless forms and blobs that stretched together and apart before combining and separating into the familiar outline of her room. A wall, a bed, a mirror, a table…so many things sat still and unmoving on the dull indigo floor of her room, lifeless, resting in the shadow of the clouds.

The young mare walked over to her mirror, an object for which she usually spared naught more than a passing glance. And yet this time, something was off. Something was different. Breaking the routine that had been ingrained in her memory for more nights than she could count, she paused and looked back, staring at the mirror that had lain silent against her wall for longer than she could remember.

Its frame was a soulless ebony-black, stained darker than the midnight sky. Its shape was no longer the humble form of a rectangle, but had warped into a hideous semi-circular mass of spikes and curls, creeping over the chrome surface like the claws of a demon, reaching out of the frame and onto the walls around in, clinging to them; the mirror did not intend to leave anytime soon.

She trotted closer, drawn in like a moth to a candle-flame, curious in spite of herself as to what this mirror was doing here. Tilting her head in confusion, she noticed a short message engraved on the mirror, barely discernable on the pitch-black frame:

tuus reflexio est una pulchra monstrum

A frown stretched across her muzzle; her eyebrows furrowed and her smooth forehead compressed into a ruffled array of creases. What in the world does that mean? With a shrug, she stepped out the open door and into the night, a wisp of a breeze following her every step.

A sea of faces awaited her in the town square, roaring and murmuring, alive with ever-moving ripples and waves. A smiling face here, a smiling face there; none of the countless nameless ponies had the motive or the will to frown for even a second. Pushing her way through the mob, wearing the mask of a forced smile on her face, the mare walked into the thick of the crowd, her eyes darting every direction for the familiar black-coated Queen of the Night, so that she could go about her business.

The thundering chime of the clock in the Town Square rumbled across the sea of faces, which rippled and undulated in response, eager to begin another night in the endless cycle of life under the watchful eye of the moon. Spiraling up into the sky and piercing the rolling plains of cloud above them, the watchtower stood vigilant against the shrouded sky, drearily tolling as it always did with seven chimes to begin the night.

CLANG! The first chime. A frozen breeze whistled past the countless faces, chilling everyone to the bone. Several of the faces morphed into expressions of confusion.

“Why isn’t she here yet?”

CLANG! The second chime. Below the great bell-tower the sea became restless, roiling in agitation, stirring with anxiety and uneasiness.

“I don’t know. She always shows up by the tolling of the bell-tower.”

CLANG! The third chime. A single droplet of rain crashed into the sea, the harbinger of a storm.

“Do you think something could have happened to her?”

CLANG! The fourth chime. Silence gave way to whispered noise, the dull thrumming of the rain interspersed with the worried murmurs of the crowd.

“Like what? Nothing could stand against the Nightmare Queen.”

CLANG! The fifth chime. Whispers grew into cries grew into shouts. The rain poured down like a great flood, drowning the sea of faces; contagious panic spread rapidly as the faces were lost in the blind spray of a storm, as the clouds pelted them with volley after volley of watery spears, merciless in their assault.

“Well, what other explanation do you have? She’s never been late before. Never.”

CLANG! The sixth chime. As the panic escalated into an epidemic of chaos, the sea shattered into a thousand individuals; countless bodies fled in panic to the safety and warmth of their homes, hopelessly and helplessly confused. No storm had ever dared to fall upon their peaceful village, but this time, their protector had abandoned them.

“I still think we should stay here…I bet there’s a good explanation for why she-Hey! Where are you going?”

CLANG! The seventh chime. Only one among the thousand faces remained, one sole remnant of the great sea that had so eagerly awaited the arrival of their Queen to begin another happy night in paradise. Her friends and family and acquaintances had scattered like dust in the wind, lost on the chilling breeze of the night.

Silence.

Her head hanging low, the mare approached the base of the great bell-tower, the dead-gray castle of stone that stretched up into the heavens. On a night like this one, several years ago, she had laid in the protective shadow of the spire; its looming presence watching over her as she gazed up into the beautiful night sky, watching the speckled curtain as it glimmered and shone. From her bed of soft grass on that lovely night, the mare could see her Princess standing atop the great tower, regal and majestic, master of the heavens.

Now that the Night Mare had left…she felt strangely empty inside.

Leaning against the tower, she expected to feel its stone carcass against her coat, so that its icy touch could give her some amount of rest, some support for her world that had been shaken to its core. As she leaned back, she felt…nothing.

Nothing.

Startled, she opened her eyes, and saw…nothing. An empty void of black met her vision. The mare blinked once, then twice, giving her eyes time to readjust to this strange new place. Her eyes, darting from place to place, suddenly found something to lock onto, some anchor to keep her firmly grounded in this realm:

Another pony was standing in the corner of the room, facing outward, staring at something the mare could not see. Curious, she trotted up to the dark silhouette, noting its unusual body shape that was similar only to the Nightmare Princess’s own.

The pony turned around, its eyes glowing a deep sea-green. Upon seeing her, it jolted in surprise. A frown crossed its face. In a distinctly feminine voice, the pony asked,

“Who are you? What are you doing here?”

Searching the recesses of her mind, the mare was startled to discover that…she had no answer. She had no memory of her name, her job, her family, her friends, or anything from her past life.

Cautiously approaching the mysterious pony whose eyes bored holes into her own, the mare hesitated and answered, “I don’t know.”

One tiny wisp of sapphire-blue magic slipped off of the end of my horn as I opened my eyes and watched the Moon sink beneath the horizon, the last traces of its pearly glow shining over the bare surface of my balcony. Giving one last glance to the streets below me—empty, as always—a whisper of a sigh escaped my lips as I turned and trotted back to the welcoming confines of my humble room. The door slid open without so much as a creak as I trudged towards my bed, and silently closed, cutting off the flickering candle-light of the hallway as I flopped down against the thin silk sheets, feeling the caress of their warmth against my coat. Almost unconsciously I cast the spell I always did, the spell that would allow me control over my own dreams, opening the door to an endless plane of nonexistent worlds that I could fill with whatever I wanted.

Though, for some reason…no matter what I filled those worlds with, it always felt empty.

As my eyes fell shut, my last sight was of the wavering light of my magic against the dark blue walls of my room; they created a curious illusion that the whole room was underwater. The light flared angrily off of the surface of the mirror that clung silently to the wall by the window; for some reason, the mirror’s ebony frame seemed to clash with the deep blue decorations around it. Not giving it another thought, I let the dark wave of sleep crash over me, washing me away in the powerful tide of unconsciousness.

A world, made entirely of nothing, filled only with that which is created by the mind of its visitors…such is the world that the Princess of the Night entered as she fell into the dark abyss of sleep.

As her spirit entered the dreamscape, Luna eased open her eyes to meet with the familiar black void that surrounded her. A hint of a smile crossed her lips as she stood up from the ground and trotted forward, and as fond memories stained bitter by the sickness that had consumed her for hundreds of years floated to the surface of her consciousness.

After being sealed into the dreamlike prison of the Moon, unable to take a physical form but still alive and still conscious, Luna had spent her existence building a world of her own within the limitless confines of a dream-world, woven from threads of her vast imagination, built from the bricks of narcissism and the mortar of fiery passion. Hundreds of soulless faces populated the world within her mind, happily smiling under the beauty of her everlasting night, content to be lorded over by the Living Nightmare so long as she stayed with them. The subjugated citizens could not bear the thought of living without her.

A dark frown crossed her lips; her forehead creased with ruffled lines of concern and of worry as she realized that she had effectively abandoned the citizens of that world when she returned from the Moon, and had nearly forgotten about them after the Elements of Harmony had recalled her to her former life. Her real life.

Trotting forward through the darkness, she saw a few rays of pale light peeking out from the familiar black gateway she had constructed so many years ago. Even more suppressed memories surfaced within her consciousness, memories of staring down with satisfaction upon the countless smiling faces that gave her all of the praise they could give. Never had those ponies heard of something called “Day”, or something called the “Sun”, or something called “Dawn”. No, in this world, only one Princess ruled…and not as a Princess, as a Queen. “Queen Nightmare Moon”…that was the name that had been shouted from the bottom of the empty hearts of hundreds of ponies for a thousand years.

Right as she trotted to the edge of the door, about to open it and return to a world she had abandoned…Luna hesitated. Murmuring aloud to herself, she said “The ponies in that world…they wouldn’t even recognize me without the Nightmare. They wouldn’t even know who I am.” She turned her back to the door and trotted out into the void. “They wouldn’t even remember me.”

Suddenly a bright light shone into the darkness, the bright blue glow of Luna’s magic as it flooded out of her horn and filled the emptiness that surrounded her. As the inferno of light dimmed into the pale aura of moonlight, a field of endless grass was spreading out into the darkness. Thinking for a moment, Luna paused; suddenly her horn flashed again and a long road of cobblestone stretched down the middle: the perfect starting point for a new town and a new beginning.

Luna pointed her horn at the air next to the road, about to create a building, when she hesitated and the glow of her horn died. She sat still for another moment and then whispered to none but herself, “What is the point in starting over when nothing from this world even matters?”

Suddenly she stood up, a burning fire spilling out from within her, rushing through her veins and filling all of her being with anger. A cloud of deep-black magic, nearly invisible against the abyss, spiraled out of her horn and rose up above her like a thundercloud. Her eyes glowing, Luna cast the spell forward into the useless world she had created, throwing the endless world into the darkest pits of the dreamscape.

The entire realm, so full of useless potential, was consumed by darkness and faded into nothingness.

Shocked and almost scared by the anger that had risen up so quickly within her, Luna sat still for a moment that would have lasted an eternity, breathing deeply, regaining control of her mind and senses. That moment would have lasted an eternity, if not for something that the Princess could have never expected.

Behind her back, the ancient door opened. Light spilled out into the darkness, a dull pale-pink that would not have surpassed a candle’s light…and yet, against the black void, it was the brightest light in the world.

Luna whirled around, extremely confused as to why she was hearing another pony’s hoofsteps as they emerged from the door. An inquisitive frown crossed her face as the mare—it was a mare—hesitantly exited the dead realm of dreams and of memories, stepping out into the emptiness.

Her coat was the deep-gold color of flowing honey; her mane a soft pink. Long curls of hair from her mane dropped over her face, shielding her from the cruelty of the world. Her tail dragged behind her as she walked, a short, straight-styled length of hair. The mare didn’t have a cutie mark.

But the one thing that struck Luna the most about the mare was her eyes.

She stared into the mare’s eyes, with bright violet irises that seemed to glow in the blackness of the realm. Hidden in the mare’s eyes Luna saw a passion, a determination, a fire that she had not seen in a long, long time. Curious and startled, Luna stared at the mare in fascination until she came to her senses and asked a simple question:

“Who are you? What are you doing here?” The second question stumbled past her lips before she could stop it.

The mare stared down at the blackness beneath her, her powerful eyes wide in confusion and in fear. She took a second or two to respond, in a timid voice that Luna had not heard before:

“I don’t know.”

Luna frowned. The mare in front of her did not even have a name. She came from a forgotten dream, so she probably didn't even exist.

But...something seems different about this mare.

"My name is Princess Luna. What are you doing here? How did you even get here?"

The mare's eyes immediately shimmered with tears in the pale light of the door. "I-I don't know! We were all i-in the square like always at twilight a-and then...and then the Queen wasn't there, and it started to rain, and...and..." Her eyes darted in every direction, scared and confused.  She instinctively cowered under the Princess's intense stare.

Is this what I did to them?

"Do you think that you want to go back?" Luna's firm and commanding voice dropped to a gentler tone.

The rose-colored curls bounced against the sides of her head as she shook her head violently. "No, no, no! Please...I don't want to go back there. I...can you take me with you? Where are you from?"

Luna paused, taken aback by the request. She put a hoof to her chin; seconds stretched into minutes as she wondered and she guessed. Could I actually bring her into the real world? She's just some character from a dream. I don't think she would even have a body; I would have to make one from magic...does she even have her own consciousness, or free will? Luna turned back to the mare, and looked once again into her eyes. Standing tall in the darkness, the Princess of Night and of Dreams spoke once again in her regal voice.

"Yes. I will take you into the world of reality...but I cannot promise that you will survive. Even if you do, you will face pain that you have never felt before. You will face struggles that you never had to overcome before. And...you will die a mortal death." Luna paused, to let her words sink in.

"But if you come with me into the world of Reality, you will know a joy that none here could even dream of. The joy that comes from the other ponies in the world, whose lives will inevitably intertwine with your own. And through them, you will find a purpose." Her last word rang out and echoed in the empty darkness of the void.

The mare turned up her head towards the Princess, and stared directly into her eyes for the first time that night.

"I will."