Terror is the Bestest Pony
By: GentlemanJ
“C-caitlyn? Are you there?”
Purple dress torn and pink bob thrown into a tangled mess, the little girl clung tightly to her teddy bear as she stumbled through the darkened woods. Though Annie may have been the world’s greatest magical prodigy, even she couldn’t help but feel the clammy grip of fear seizing her little heart. She’d been summoned to the fields before, many times in fact, in order to settle the feuds between Runeterra’s warring states. She’d faced down soldiers and shamans, demons and devils, all with the giggling aplomb that made her such a beloved champion and dreaded foe.
But nothing had prepared her for today, the day when she’d met the incarnation of terror itself.
“Caitlyn? P-P-Please, are you–?”
A hand darted from the nearby grasses and yanked the little girl back.
“Quiet!”
Annie flailed for moment in pure, raving panic before recognition finally registered. Looking up, the little girl nearly fainted in relief as she spotted the familiar amethyst top hat and long barreled rifle of Caitlyn, the Sheriff of Piltover. Eyes intent, the lady marskman's sharp gaze darted about, searching for danger as her hand remained ever clamped over the little mage’s mouth. Only when she was reasonably satisfied that they were safe - well, as safe as anyone could be in a battlefield - did she release her grip and turn attention to the girl.
“Annie, what do you think you’re doing?" she hissed with quietly intent severity. "Our outer turrets are already down; you should know better than to be wandering around the jungle by yourself!”
“I’m… I’m sorry, Caitlyn,” Annie sniffed as she clutched her beloved teddy bear closer with big, doleful eyes. “I… I just got ganked. Garen went down, then they took out all our wards, so I... I..." she sniffled hard, scrubbing at her eyes and fighting valiantly to keep from bursting out in tears.
“Hey there, it’s okay,” Caitlyn cooed, her gaze softening as she hugged the little girl close. “I’m sorry for snapping. I was just worried that you were going to get hurt out there. After all, today’s been… quite the mess, hasn’t it?”
“He’s so scary,” Annie mumbled as she clung tightly to the lady sniper. “I’ve been scared before, but not like this.”
“I know, sweetie,” Caitlyn smiled. “I’m scared too, but–”
Foliage off in the distance rustled, followed soon after with horrible, echoing laughter. The sheriff’s blood ran cold.
“Annie, run for the nexus, now,” she called even as she stood and dropped a cupcake laden trap at her feet. “Wait till Garen respawns. Under no circumstance are you to leave the nexus without him, do you hear me?”
“But… but what about you?” Annie asked. “What are you going to do?”
“I’m going to buy you time,” Caitlyn smile as primed her rifle with its heavy net munitions. The smile faltered, however, as the underbrush rustled again, closer this time as the spine-tingling laughter drew nearer. “Now get doing. You haven’t even gotten level one boots yet.”
“But…”
“Just go!” Caitlyn barked as she spun around, training eyes on the surrounding jungle as the horrible noise seemed to now come from all directions. “Go Annie! Run!”
With one last, wide-eyed look backwards, the child grabbed up her teddy bear and ran as fast as her little legs could carry her. As she disappeared, Caitlyn settled down and waited, doing her best to stay calm even as the flood of dread welling up threatened to drown all sense.
“All right,” she gulped, taking a tighter grip on her rifle. “You up for a show down? Cause I’ve got the tools for the job.”
The forest shook and the laughter roared, filling the air with the icy madness of frozen fear. The laughter echoed, the sound of a thousand vengeful specters screaming in maniacal delight. The forest trembled and suddenly, the jungle exploded in a blinding flash of white light.
*****
“Yo! Egghead! You in here?”
Twilight Sparkle groaned, frustrated that her studies were interrupted yet again. If it wasn’t Applejack making a mess in her quest to rid the farm of apple weevils, it was Rarity tearing apart the library looking for yet another “piece of inspiration.” And now, just as she’d finished reshelving and was about to get some actual work done, in came Rainbow Dash.
“Yes, what is it?” Twilight called as she descended the stairs to meet the colorful flyer. “Something I can help you with?”
“Maybe…” Rainbow Dash intoned, for once not dashing in headfirst with her typical headstrong bluster. This caught the young scholar’s attention.
“Is something wrong?”
“I’m… not sure,” Rainbow shrugged.
“Not sure?" Twilight blinked. "What do you mean?"
“So, you remember that big magicky thingy you tried this morning?”
“You mean my summoning experiment?” the purple pony prompted. “Yeah, it didn’t work out. Something wrong with the targeting matrix, I think. Anywho, the whole thing flopped.”
“You sure about that?”
Twilight arched an eyebrow, now thoroughly intrigued.
“Why, did something happen?”
“Like I said, I’m not sure,” Rainbow Dash shrugged once more. “It’s just that me and the Pinkster were out by the lake, and we ran into some foreign pony we’d never seen before.”
“If it’s just some foreign pony, then why do you think it has to do with my spell?”
“He’s really, really foreign,” Rainbow replied. “And by that I mean he – at least, I think it’s a he – makes Zecora look as home-grown as Granny Smith. Figured you maybe might have possibly had something to do with it.”
“In that case, I’ll certainly take a look,” Twilight remarked as she quickly trotted around to gather her research notes. “Oh, I hope that pony’s okay. It must be incredibly frightening to be suddenly plucked out of thin air and dropped somewhere new."
“Uh, yeah,” Rainbow Dash smiled wryly as they headed out the door. “I don’t think this one’s gonna scare so easily.”
*****
Twilight and Rainbow Dash galloped their way over towards the lake only to find the place deserted.
“So, where is he?” Twilight asked as she glanced around and saw no one.
“Dunno. He should be here,” Rainbow Dash replied. “Pinkie too.”
“Did somebody say Pinkie?” an uberly chipper voice called out from above. Looking up, the two ponies spotted their sugar-savvy friend Pinkie Pie grinning from the branches of a nearby tree.
“Yo, Pinkie!” Rainbow Dash called as she floated up to her friend’s level. “That weird pony we found earlier. Have you seen him?”
“Nuh-uh,” Pinkie replied with a firm shake. “We’re playing hide and seek. I’m hiding.”
“Then where’d he go?” Twilight asked once more.
“Well, if I knew that, then it wouldn’t be hide and seek anymore, now would it?” Pinkie frowned. “If I were seeking too, then it’d be seek and seek, which is pretty much tag, but technically seek and seek wouldn’t involve any tagging, so I guess it really wouldn’t be tag, unless… Oh wait, there he is!”
Following the Pinkie's pointingly proffered hoof, Twilight and Rainbow Dash turned to see – and feel – the approach of the mysterious stranger. The ground trembled as a truly massive… pony?... galloped before them, though he was unlike any pony Twilight had ever seen. I mean, apart from the glowing green flames and armor that looked like it’d been raided from a Nightmare Night bargain bin, this pony-like creature also had an exceptionally long torso, out of which protruded two appendages that gripped a large, stabby/pokey/proddy object.
(As educated as Twilight was, her vocabulary relating to stabby/pokey/proddy objects wasn’t particularly expansive).
“Um… hello,” Twilight smiled nervously as she craned her neck to look up at the imposing figure. “My name’s Twilight Sparkle. What’s yours?”
The creature stared down, his eyes twin chasms that burned with baleful fire.
“Are you lost?” she tried again. “Do you know where you came from?”
The pony-like creature continued to stare, heaving the large polearm with the ease of a cheerleader's baton in solemn consideration. Twilight blinked.
“Hey Pinkie,” she called up. “Does this pony speak our language?”
“No idea,” the pink baker grinned. “Haven’t heard him say anything yet. ”
“Then how’d you know he wanted to play hide and seek?” Rainbow asked, eyebrow arched in suspicion.
“Well, as soon as I suggested it, he ran off,” Pinkie beamed. “Awfully nice of him to run off and let me hide around here. He seems like a real nice guy.”
“Oh great,” Twilight muttered with a roll of the eyes. “As if mis-summoning someone wasn’t bad enough, I can’t even-”
“TINY EQUINE CREATURE!” the pony-thing suddenly bellowed in a booming, echoing voice that caused its ethereal wreath of flames to dance and hiss, “WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE PLACE UPON WHICH I STAND?”
“Here?” Twilight blinked, somewhat startled. “This is Ponyville. Or at least, the area outside Ponyville.”
“PONYVILLE?” the creature bellowed once more. “I KNOW NOT OF THIS… PONYVILLE OF WHICH YOU SPEAK.”
“I was right,” Rainbow Dash crowed. “Totally a foreigner.”
“Quiet,” Twilight hissed before turning back to the stranger with an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry about my friend here. She’s doesn’t mean to be rude.”
“IT IS OF NO IMPORT,” the creature laughed, an echoing, rumbling sound that seemed comprised of a multitude of wailing calls. “SOON, THIS PONYVILLE SHALL TASTE THE TRUE MIGHT OF THE SHADOW ISLES! I SHALL TRAMPLE THIS PONYVILLE UNDER HOOF AND GIVE ITS SOULS THE RELEASE THEY CRAVE!”
“Wait, what was that?” Pinkie Pie blinked as she cleared out her ears. “I didn’t quite catch the las- Whoa!”
The curly haired baker nearly fell from her tree top perch as the strange pony creature galloped off, his hoof beats shaking the earth as he charged forth towards town.
“THE SHADOW APPROACHES, PONYVILLE!” he laughed, twirling the massive polearm overhead. “DESPAIR IN THE FACE OF HECARIM, THE SHADOW OF WAR!”
And with a final, booming laugh, Hecarim as he was called, crested the first hill and disappeared from sight.
Slowly, Pinkie Pie lowered herself to the ground. She looked to Rainbow Dash, who turned to look at Twilight Sparkle, who continued to stare off into the distance like a poleaxed mule.
“Er… what just happened?”
*****
Cresting the final hill, the ghostly juggernaut took pause, casting his baleful gaze down at the idyllic village below.
“SUCH A PEACEFUL HAMLET,” he chuckled. “FOR THE MOMENT.”
Hecarim began the ancient spell, the one written in blood on the blackest of nights by the vilest of hearts. He called out, reaching beyond the veil to the nether realms, summoning the spirits of terror and torment that inhabited the darkest reaches of the void. One by one, they answered his call, each spectral wraith forming rank alongside their Stygian commander as a legion of the undead filled the hillside with their ghostly forms. Surveying his army with cruel pleasure, Hecarim raised his spear aloft, signaling the beginning of the onslaught, and–
“Well hey there newcomer!”
Concentration broken, the spectral army vanished like so much smoke in the wind. Turning towards the source of the sound, the Shadow of War was more than a little surprised to find himself looking down upon a small, orange equine in a brown leather hat. It seemed to be... smiling at him.
“Don’t think I’ve seen you around before. My name’s Applejack. You new in town?”
Hecarim stared at the so called Applejack, puzzled by the sudden turn of events. It – or she, as the voice would indicate – dared to speak to him, the rampaging terror?
“So what you up to anyhow?” Applejack asked, trotting up alongside him to share the view. “Were you plannin’ on headin’ intah Ponyville?”
“YES,” Hecarim replied, shaking his head to rid the fog of war - er... confusion - clouding his mind. “I PREPARE TO UNLEASH A STORM OF MAYHEM AND DESTRUCTION UPON THIS–”
“Well shoot, that ain’t no way to make friends,” Applejack interrupted once more with a disapproving frown. “Hay, even if you’re nervous about tryin’ tah meet new folks, goin’ all will-nilly and causin’ a ruckus jess ain’t the way tah go about it.”
The ghostly rider froze. She had interrupted him? Again? He hadn’t been this stunned since Ashe had caught him with a cross-field arrow.
“TINY CREATURE–”
“Applejack,” she corrected. “And you are?”
“ER… HECARIM,” he added hesitantly. Hacking and slashing and devouring the souls of the living were his forte, not pleasant conversation. “YOU MISUNDERSTAND, TINY APPLEJACK. I DO NOT FEAR THE RESIDENTS OF THIS TOWN–”
“Then why you wanna go raisin’ cane fer no good reason for?” the orange pony frowned once more, though this time in confusion. “I mean, sure, maybe things’re different from where you come from, but I can’t figure it’d be…” A sudden light flashed in her big green eyes.
“Oh, I get it,” she grinned. “You don’t wanna make trouble; yer jess cranky cause yer hungry!”
“WHAT?” Hecarim started. “NO, I AM NOT HUNGRY. I–”
“Aw, no need tah be shy,” Applejack chuckled as she nudged the ghostly warrior down the hill and towards town. “Fact is, yer in luck. Mrs. Cake jess finished whippin’ up a whole batch of her famous red-velvet cupcakes. We’ll jess drop on by, grab a few, and you can start introducin’ yerself tah all the folks all nice and proper like.”
“BUT… BUT I….”
Even more helpless than when struck by the shadowy ninja’s accursed taunts, Hecarim made his way towards Ponyville, not as a rampaging destroyer as he intended, but as the behest of a small, orange pony in a leather hat who grinned all the way down.
However, before they could even enter the town, Lyra Heartstrings, on some errand or another, trotted up the hill and spotted them. Her eyes went to the newcomer.
It took but a split second for her aquamarine face to break out into the biggest smile of supreme bliss that ever did occur this side of heaven as she cried out in rapturous joy the single greatest desire of her little pony heart:
“HANDS!!!”
*****
“Hey Applejack!” Rainbow Dash called out as she dashed through the front of Sugarcube Corner. “Carrot Top said you came in with the new guy a little while ago. Is he still–”
The rest of her sentence got cut off as Pinkie Pie barreled into her, taking them both to the floor while Twilight Sparkle entered at a much more reasonable pace behind them. Even after picking themselves up, however, none of the three said anything. After all, it’s kind of hard to speak when your brain freezes up. Unduly surreal sights tend to do that.
“AND EVERYONE IS ALWAYS SAYING, ‘OH THRESH, HE’S SOOOOOOOOO GOOD WITH HIS DEATH SENTENCES AND FANCY BOX.’ MEANWHILE, MORDEKAISER IS JUST STANDING THERE WITH HIS OBNOXIOUS ‘HUEHUEHUEHUEHUEHUE’ LAUGH AND SPAMMING ‘MORDEKAISER ES NUMERO UNO EN BRASIL.’ I TELL YOU, IT’S NOT EASY BEING FROM THE SAME SHADOW ISLES AS THOSE TWO.”
“Oh, I completely understand, darling,” Rarity intoned with a sympathetic pat of her well-manicured hoof. “I can’t even fathom why others don’t appreciate you more. I mean, your accouterments are tres magnifique, and the dramatic backlight effect from your flames? Simply sublime.”
“Ah, don’t you worry about what others say,” Applejack agreed with a firm pat to the spectral rider’s flank. “If they can’t appreciate you fer who you are, then forget ‘em. You jess focus on bein’ the best ol’ magical pony you can be.”
“Uh, girls?” Twilight asked with a bit of trepidation. “What’s going on?” Because to her, it looked like a giant behemoth of an undead warrior was sitting in Sugarcube Corners, popping cupcakes like grapes as her two friends consoled him over some unresolved personal issues whilst Lyra batted at Hecarim’s fingers like a kitten with a ball of string.
“Oh, hello dear,” Rarity beamed. “We were just sitting here with this strapping new stallion in our favorite bakery, enjoying some of Mrs. Cake’s divine pastries as we help our new friend deal with a few relational issues from back home while Lyra here entertains herself with her new discovery of his digits.”
Well, they certainly didn’t call Twilight an egghead for nothing.
“So… no problems or anything?” she prompted. “No wide-sown chaos or panic pandemic going on?”
“Now why on earth would you think that?” Mrs. Cake called out as she brought forth another fresh, piping hot tray of cupcakes. “Little Heckie here is just an absolute dear. Why, I can’t imagine him hurting a fly.”
The aforementioned “Little Heckie's” ethereal flames flared and deepened in hue, a reaction that Twilight was almost sure counted as a blush.
“Hey, all’s well that ends well, I guess,” Rainbow Dash grinned as he pulled up a stool. “How’s about sending some of those cupcakes my way?” The Shadow of War reached over and slid a plateful of frosted treats over, a good half actually making it to the blue pegasus as Pinkie Pie intercepted the rest.
“Huh, guess you’re right.” Twilight shrugged as she joined her friends at the bar. “I have to admit, I was a bit worried. I mean, I accidentally pulled you across time and space with a trans-dimensional summoning spell; it’d be perfectly understandable if you were a bit disoriented and upset.”
“I WILL ADMIT, MY ORIGINAL INTENT WAS TO REDUCE THIS HAMLET TO A SMOULDERING PILE OF DEBRIS AND RUIN,” Hecarim sighed. “BUT THAT WAS BEFORE YOUR FRIENDS HERE INTRODUCED ME TO THE MAGICAL POWER OF FRIENDSHIP, SOMETHING I, EVEN WITH MY MASSIVE AP SCALING, HAD NEVER UNDERSTOOD.”
“Well then, glad you enjoyed yourself!” Twilight smiled. “Maybe you can share it with your friends after you get back.”
“Wait, yer already sendin’ him packin’?” Applejack gaped in astonishment.
“Now I simply must protest!” Rarity chimed in. “Hecarim has already agreed to model for me this afternoon, and I certainly can’t pass up such a glorious opportunity.”
“I… I HAVE TO GO BACK?” Hecarim asked in a – if still thunderous and echoing – much smaller voice than before. “BUT I LIKE IT HERE… FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY AFTERLIFE, I HAVE ACTUAL FRIENDS....”
“Hey don’t worry, you big lug,” Twilight chuckled with a reassuring pat to his massive flank. “I didn’t mean I’d send you back permanently. I just need to fix the position swapping portion of the summoning spell so we can make it happen without a required transfer in the future.”
“Thay wha nuw?” Pinkie Pie called through a mouthful of frosted goodness.
“Oh, right,” Twilight replied with an embarrassed laugh. “It’s really silly; I messed up the summoning spell so instead of only bringing a person over, I had them swap positions with someone here as well. Basically, when I brought Hecarim here to Ponyville, I had to send someone over there in order to take his place.”
“Hold on a sec,” Rainbow Dash frowned. “If that’s the case, and Hecarim’s here… then who’s over there?”
Rarity glanced around for a moment. Suddenly, her eyes went wide in realization.
“Girls,” she called. “Has anyone seen Fluttershy today?”
*****
“Fear not, fair damsels!” Garen shouted cheerily. “The Might of Demacia shall protect you two from harm!”
At the back of the trio, Caitlyn gritted her teeth. Silently. As good a front-line as he was, what with his heavy armor and even heavier sword, his lack of tactical thinking and inability to speak at any decibel below a bellowing shout often made him very, very difficult to deal with.
“So what do we do now, Caitlyn?” Annie whispered, showing that even children had more sense than a certain spin-happy soldier. “I mean, you got away from Hecarim before, but where did he go?”
“I’m honestly not sure,” Caitlyn replied. “But as long as he’s not here, we can make a dash for the nexus and pray that we take it down before he comes back.”
“Ah yes, a glorious head-on engagement!” Garen laughed aloud, loudly. “This will be a battle that the bards shall sing of for ages to come!”
Wondering whether she should just shoot the man and take their chances with a two-on-three, a rustling of nearby foliage interrupted her thoughts.
“Quick! Hide!” she hissed as Annie dove into the nearby grass and she followed, having to forcibly pull the posturing captain with her. Mere moments later, in an explosion of crackling twigs and leaves, the monstrosity of Kog’Maw burst through the undergrowth in a mad, panting dash. Pausing for just a moment to cast its numerous insectile eyes aboutthe bipedal devourer approached slowly, tasting the air with its long, tubular tongue as it prowled about, obviously on the hunt for something. Or someone.
“Alright, it looks like he’s alone,” Caitlyn whispered. “Let’s take him out and head in towards… the…”
Somewhat at a loss for words, the Piltover sheriff watched in surprise as after rummaging around for a bit, the Icathian beast simply turned around and, with a giggle cackle springing from its gaping maw, sprinted right back from whence he came.
“Um, Caitlyn?” Annie whispered with a tug on the sniper’s skirt. “What’s going on?”
“I’m… not quite sure,” she admitted. “But I think it’d be best if we went and found out.”
*****
Following the messy trail left by the slobbering creature, the trio soon found themselves at the enemy platform. Peaking over the edge, they spotted Kog’Maw returning to the center where his equine companion awaited. Only, the four-footed terror was sight less… terrifying than they remembered.
“Koggy, did you find all these wildflowers by yourself?” the diminuitive pink and yellow... pony?... gasped in delight. “Oh, they're absolutely lovely, thank you! You’re such a good boy, Koggy, yes you are! Who’s a good boy? Who’s a good boy?”
To the trio’s eternal surprise, the abyssal creature of infinite appetite actually rolled over onto his back like a giggling, all-devouring puppy as the little pony gave him an apparently very enjoyable belly rub.
“What manner of madness is this?” Garen cried out as he – much to Caitlyn’s chagrin – jumped up from cover. “Who are you to have tamed the foul creatures we mean to do battle with?”
“Oh, hello?” the pony blinked in surprise. “Um… I don’t know about any foul creatures or taming here, but… we’re about to have a tea party, if you’d like to join us.”
“A…. tea… party?” Garen repeated, the foreign concept straining the limits of his spin-addled brain.
“Yes, I’m sure it’s going to be lovely,” the mini horse smiled. “My name’s Fluttershy, by the way. You can have a seat and we’ll get started as soon as Mr. Gath gets back.”
“Mr. Gath?” the sniper repeated in equal confusion.
Thundering, rumbling footsteps answered the question as the gargantuan form of Terrof of the Void Cho’Gath, the multi-appendaged, twenty-foot nightmare apparition of glittering fangs and slashing talons, appeared behind them.
“Miss Fluttershy. I’ve taken the liberty of fetching some chamomile and fresh blueberries I found growing in the vicinity. I trust they are acceptable?”
“Oh yes, Mr. Gath,” Fluttershy beamed as she received a small wicker basket from one of his massive claws. “Thank you very much.”
A tiny tug on her skirt prompted the Piltover sheriff to look down.
“Caitlyn?” Annie asked, eyes wide not with fear, but with astonishment. “Is Cho’Gath wearing a... suit?”
“I think’s it’s a tuxedo,” the older girl numbly responded. “And unless I miss my guess, a top hat and monocle as well.”
“Oh, these old things?” Cho’Gath chuckled drolly. “Merely a few garments Miss Fluttershy found whilst rummaging about in storage for tea supplies. I must say, the clothes do make me feel like a whole new man.”
“And you look like one too,” Fluttershy smiled as she set the table for tea. “Why, just think; when I got here you were planning on eating me. Good thing I baked these cakes instead, huh Mr. Gath?”
“Quite, quite,” the creature nodded before turning to the two poleaxed girls. “And before we begin, might I first proffer an apology for the simply beastly behavior I displayed before? Really, to think about all the screaming and biting… I shudder at the very thought, and I hope that this small affair will serve as the first step in my recompense. What do you ladies say; join us for a spot of tea?”
Annie nervously looked from the smiling behemoth that was Cho’Gath, to the slobberingly cheerful figure of Kog’Maw, to the smiling pony, who gave her an encouraging smile. Clutching her bear a little tighter, she looked back up towards the beastly abyss demon’s fang-filled smile.
“… Can Tibbers come as well?” she softly asked, to which, the great beast merely bellowed in laughter.
“But of course, my dear! The more the merrier!”
So with a big smile and an even bigger explosion of fire, a cheerful Annie, a still confused Caitlyn, an obliviously laughing Garen, and a burning devil-bear sat down next to a pastel, talking pony, her giggling flesh-devouring pet, and a hellspawn turned English gentleman for what was probably the oddest – yet most strangely delightful – tea party of all time.
**********
