I Go Through Everypony's Garbage
Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, there were six ponies who were the best of friends. They all loved each other and they never fought, because when they had their differences they overcame them with the magic of friendship and wrote letters to their best friend the pretty pony princess Celestia instead of arguing.
“You whorse!” I trusted you, Applejack! I trusted you! And this is how you repay me? By going behind my back and making a move on her? You bitch! Element of Honesty my butter-yellow ass!” Fluttershy yelled. She didn’t really yell a lot, as her name implied. But when she did yell, she was downright terrifying. The orange, Stetson-adorned earth pony who happened to be the target of her wrath cowered beneath the infamous Stare, a pair of cyan eyes boring into her very soul as Fluttershy caught her breath. Applejack began to open her mouth to respond to the shouted accusations, but was cut off by a whimpering sound. Done with her outburst, Fluttershy couldn’t hold back tears as she burst out crying, turning tail and fleeing from Applejack, a trail of salt water marking her path.
“Aw, Fluttershy! Listen, Ah’m sorry! Ah’m sorry, y’hear? Fluttershy!” Applejack called after her friend. “Ah deserve this,” she told the tree she had been bucking when Fluttershy had arrived to chew her out. She believed his name was Branchbert but she was too busy thinking about Fluttershy to remember correctly. Fluttershy was one of her closest friends, but as of right now also her romantic rival. Two days ago, Fluttershy had come to Sweet apple Acres looking for advice, and then everything went to Tartarus.
“Applejack, you’re the second bravest pony I know,” Fluttershy had said. That had been a bad start to the conversation in the first place, at least in Applejack’s mind. “I need your advice.”
“Well shore, sugarcube. What’s the problem?” Applejack had replied, after swallowing a snarky insult. She was above that.
“I think I'm in love with Rainbow Dash.” peeped the pink-haired pony.
“What was that?”
“I think I’m in love with Rainbow Dash.”
“Speak up, sugarcube.”
“I said, I think I’m in love with Rainbow Dash!” Fluttershy finally exclaimed. She then let out a squeak of fright, looked around to see if anypony had been around to hear her outburst, then tucked her face away behind her mane.
“Shit,” said Applejack. She then galloped away, straight towards town.
“Applejack? Applejack! Come back! Eeeep! Promise not to tell anypony? Applejack! You need to Pinkie Promise!” Fluttershy yelled at the top of her lungs. As such, her voice carried all of five feet. Fluttershy didn’t really yell a lot, but when she did, it was barely louder than anypony else’s inside voice. When she hadn’t snapped and started verbally tearing you to shreds with bellows that would impress dragons, that is. She once had actually lectured a dragon into submission, with some help from the Stare. But that was entirely beside the point.
Applejack had run straight for the outskirts of Ponyville, where a lone mailbox marked the spot underneath Rainbow Dash’s cloud home.
“Rainbow Dash? You up there?” Applejack called.
“Nopey-dopey! She’s in Cloudsdale on business right now, silly!” returned a high pitched voice that Applejack could recognize anywhere.
“Pinkie Pie, what in tarnation are ya doin’ goofin’ around inside Rainbow Dash’s mailbox?” Applejack asked, opening the door to the box to reveal a poofy-maned pony painted in pastel pink of various shades. Pinkie Pie popped out of the mailbox and landed on the ground, then bounced up and down a bit for no particular reason, at least not one that Applejack could discern.
“I’m collecting her mail while she’s away, silly! Why else would I be inside her mailbox?” asked Pinkie Pie, as if it were the most blatantly obvious thing in Equestria and that Applejack was probably more mentally challenged than Snails if she couldn’t see it. The best part was that she didn’t even sound condescending when she made her proclamation. Sometimes, Applejack envied Pinkie Pie’s talent to be so unfailingly cheerful and friendly, even when she was subtly insulting your mental abilities.
“You know when she’ll be back?” Applejack asked, equal measures relief and disappointment in her voice. “I gotta tell her somethin’.”
“Do you mean you just found out about how Fluttershy is in love with Rainbow Dash and you need to confess your crush and get with her first?” Pinkie asked, in a tone more suited to inquiring about the weather than about affairs of the heart.
“Wha- Huh?” said Applejack, doing her best to reinforce Pinkie Pie’s theory that she should be in Cheerilee’s special-ed adult school rather than running a business.
“She’ll be back in two days,” Pinkie Pie informed her, ignoring the stammering and the blush spreading across Applejack’s face.
“How’d you know ‘bout that? Were you spying on us?” Applejack demanded, narrowing her eyes at the party pony.
“Oh, no! I’d never dream of it! I just know everything that goes on in Ponyville, especially about my friend’s love lives. It’s all so dramatic, how you and Fluttershy both love Dashie, and Ra-” Pinkie was cut off by an orange hoof being stuffed in her mouth.
“Never mind that, Pinkie! Does anypony else know? Am Ah really that obvious?” asked Applejack, her blush deepening. “Does- does Rainbow Dash know?” she continued, bringing her voice down to a frantic whisper.
“Oh, no need to worry, AJ!” Pinkie beamed once she was ungagged. “You’re plenty subtle! Well, not subtle, exactly. You’re actually a terrible liar. But that’s beside the point. What’s on the point is that nopony else knows. I just know because I found the draft for the love poem you wrote for her in your garbage.”
“Thank Celes- Wait. What? You go through mah garbage?” Applejack stared in befuddlement at the grinning pony.
“Well, duh! I go through everypony’s garbage.”
Applejack finished telling her story to Branchbert and sighed, sitting down and leaning on him. “Ah shoulda made Pinkie promise not to tell Fluttershy. It was mah own fault for being careless. Gotta be more sneaky next time Ah try somethin’ like that.” Of course, Applejack wasn’t feeling remorse when she said she had deserved her tongue lashing. She meant that she deserved it for letting Fluttershy find out about her (futile) attempt to win Dash’s heart before Fluttershy could. After all, all’s fair in love and war. Sighing, Applejack threw her head back and gazed up at the sky, her eyes shielded from the harsh sun by the brim of her hat. Noticing a speck in the air growing larger as it approached Ponyville, she squinted. The sky blue figure would have been hard to make out against the sky-blue backdrop of the, well, sky, if it weren’t for her mane, a shock of hair in all the colors of the rainbow. Applejack jolted to her hooves. “Horseapples. Gotta get to town before Fluttershy!”
When Applejack arrived in town, she saw the beautiful, prismatic-maned pegasus hovering slightly above street-level, carrying her saddlebags towards her cloud home, presumably to unpack from her trip.
“Rainbow!” Applejack called, prepared to finally confess her undying love for the beautiful mare. “Ah need to tell ya somethin’. Ah... would love ta help ya carry yer stuff home,” she blurted out. Crap. That was not what Ah meant to say at all.
“Of course, my dear friend Applejack. I would be most pleased to allow you to assist me. Thank you so much for your kindness,” said Rainbow Dash, turning and smiling at Applejack, who gave her a look but took the bags she was offered anyway.
“You OK, sugarcube?” Applejack asked.
“Why, most certainly. Whatsoever makes you think otherwise?” came the response.
“Uh, nuthin’. Listen, how would you like ta help buck trees all tomorra’ afternoon?”
“I would love to assist my dear, close friend. It would be my pleasure to aid you in your efforts to harvest your fruits,” Rainbow Dash replied. Applejack turned and Rainbow Dash got up close and personal with Kicks McGee.
“Arghlblarghl!” An in-equine sound came from Rainbow Dash’s mouth as she appeared to spontaneously combust, blazing with green fire as her form melted into a black, chitinous insectoid form whose resemblance to a pony was tangential at best. Coughing up a purple liquid that Applejack presumed was the changeling’s blood, it turned to her. “What gave me away?” it moaned in pain as Applejack stood over it.
“Sugarcube, Rainbow Dash is an inconsiderate, lazy pony. She’d never agree to help me if it involved actual work. Also, ya got her flank a little off.”
“Wait, seriously? You stare at your friend’s butt? That’s seriously messed up.”
“Sh-shut up,” stammered Applejack, her orange face flushing pinker than Pinkie.
“No, no! Messed up is cool with me. Hey, can I take her form again so I can feed off your love for her? Or should I say your huge girl boner?” The changeling didn’t even regret a thing when Bucky McGillicuddy impacted her face.
Author's Note
Ha ha, nobody's going to read this. xD
I Didn't Know You Were Such a Closet Racist
Fluttershy was having a bad day. That’s what Cheerilee would call an ‘understatement’. She had thought that Applejack hated her when she had run off after Fluttershy’s confession of love for her foalhood friend. Today she had found out that Applejack didn't actually hate her. That was good news. Instead, Applejack was also in love with Rainbow Dash. That was bad news. Very bad news. When Pinkie Pie had told Fluttershy that Applejack had tried to win over Rainbow Dash immediately after Fluttershy had confessed, Fluttershy was furious. She had flown to Sweet Apple Acres and torn her traitorous friend a new one, then returned home to enjoy a good, hearty cry. Unfortunately, she didn’t get the chance to wallow in self pity for long. Spike, the little purple sweetheart, had burst into her cottage, huffing and puffing from a vigorous run through Ponyville to her abode on the edge of the Everfree Forest.
“Fluttershy!” he gasped, then stopped for a moment, greedily inhaling to make up for lost oxygen. “Something terrible has happened!”
“That’s right. Applejack is a massive bitch,” is what Fluttershy wanted to say. “Oh dear! What is it?” is what Fluttershy actually said.
“Rainbow Dash has been kidnapped! Tw-” Spike couldn’t finish his sentence because he was still recovering from the cranial trauma he received when Fluttershy flew through the door at speeds rivaling a freight train, knocking him aside and slamming him into Fluttershy’s hardwood door frame.
The door to Golden Oaks library slammed open with the force of a small explosion, splintering the wood surrounding it. “OhmygoshTwilightSpiketoldmeRainbowDashhasbeenkidnappedwhatdowedowhatdowe-” She stopped her terrified ramblings when she noticed an orange, Stetson-clad earth pony in the library. “Hmpf,” she hmpfed, then daintily fluttered to a seat at Twilight Sparkle’s kitchen table, deliberately seating herself as far from Applejack as possible. Pinkie Pie, who was seated between them, started humming a silly song of some sort while the white unicorn opposite her rolled her eyes in exasperation at Pinkie Pie’s antics.
“Honestly dear, this is a serious situation. Try treating it with a modicum of decorum,” Rarity said. Pinkie Pie just giggled in response. “What?” Rarity asked, almost looking offended that Pinkie Pie had found her admonishment humorous.
“Modicum is a funny word,” giggled Pinkie, then returned to humming her song. This elicited yet another eye roll from Rarity.
Finally, Twilight returned to the table. She cleared her throat, then proceeded to announce, “Rainbow Dash has been kidnapped by changelings.” Her magic slammed a jar onto the table. The four ponies surrounding it peered into the glass to see a small, insectoid creature hovering inside. It brightened up and waved when it saw Applejack, then giggled when she narrowed her eyes and snorted at it.
“How’d ya get the durn critter in that jar?” asked Applejack, still eying it warily, as if it might return to full size at any moment and taunt her with raunchy remarks.
“Oh, it was quite simple,” Twilight replied, looking very self-satisfied. “Changelings feed off of love. Hate, love’s polar opposite, is highly toxic to them. So I imbued the jar with some of the hatred magic I learned when we fought Sombra. If he touches the sides, it will burn him. I just took the jar and held it on his back until the intense, fiery agony of being burned by a thousand suns was too much for him and he shapeshifted into a smaller size to avoid touching the glass, then I scooped him up in it and now he can’t escape unless he was to experience the burning all over again,” she explained. The other ponies looked at her incredulously.
“Um... don’t you think that’s a little... excessive? And a little on the cruel side?” asked Fluttershy.
“Ha! No, not at all, Fluttershy,” replied Twilight. “Changelings are soulless creatures made of the purest evil who live for nothing other than the suffering of others. They all deserve nothing less than death in the most excruciatingly painful manners imaginable,” she finished. Her genuinely cheerful smile and tone of voice did nothing to mitigate how terrifying the sentence was.
“Wow, Twilight! I didn’t know you were such a closet racist,” said Pinkie Pie.
“Right, moving on!” Rarity interjected before Twilight could correct Pinkie Pie and tell her that changelings were a different species from ponies all together, not a race, meaning that she may be a closet specist but was most certainly not a closet racist.
“Anyway, I was going t suggest that the five of us go and rescue her together, but Princess Celestia has forbidden it. She says that we can’t put too many more Element Bearers at risk, as if even one of us dies then the whole set is powerless until new Bearers come along. She has requested that Rarity and I stay behind in order to devise a new version of Rarity’s gem finding spell that can be used to locate changelings even when they are undercover,” Twilight explained.
“I’ll stay behind and offer moral support,” is what Fluttershy wanted to say. “I’ll go. I’ll rescue Rainbow Dash,” is what Fluttershy actually said.
“Darling, you can’t be serious!” exclaimed Rarity, looking at the usually meek pegasus in shock. “Let Applejack and Pinkie go.”
Fluttershy gulped down her frantic agreement with Rarity’s sentiment. “No. I have to go. I know what plants you can eat when in the wilderness, I can deal with wild animals and monsters we come across, and the Stare could come in handy,” she replied.
“Fluttershy’s right,” said Twilight, cutting off another protest by Rarity. “She’s probably the best suited out of us to go on any sort of adventure. Now, which of you two wants to go with her?” she asked, looking to Pinkie and Applejack. Applejack opened her mouth when suddenly Pinkie stepped in front of her.
“Ooh! Ooh! Pick me!” she cried out, frantically flailing a hoof in the air.
“Wait just a minute!” interjected Applejack. “I have to go!”
“Oh, nononnonono!” said Pinkie. “You going would be a terrible idea.”
“And just what d’ya mean by that?” snorted Applejack.
“The romantic tension would cause you to botch up the mission, duh!” replied Pinkie.
“Romantic? What are you saying, Pinkie?” asked Rarity.
“Flutters and AJ are both in love with Dashie, duh.”
“Wait, what? Why didn’t I know this?”
“How scandalous!”
“You girls didn’t even tell me you were lesbians!”
“Does it matter? Look how romantic it is! The noble peasant and the timid childhood friend, putting aside their differences to save their one true love!”
“Ah ain’t puttin’ nothin’ aside, y’hear? Ah jus’ don’t want that feathered hussy sticking her hooves all over Dash when we find ‘er.”
“Hussy? Hussy? I’ll show you who’s a hussy!”
“You all do realize there’s an easy solution to this problem, right?” Everypony stopped what they were doing. Fluttershy ceased pounding her hoof into Applejack’s eye. Applejack discontinued chewing on Fluttershy’s wing. Twilight and Rarity put their debate on the romanticism of the situation on hold. Pinkie stopped giggling All eyes were on the changeling in the jar on the table. He cleared his throat and began to sing.
“It’s okay, if it’s in a three-way
It’s not gay, if it’s in a three way
With a honey in the middle there’s some leeway
The area’s gray in a one two three way!”
Everypony stared at the changeling. You could have heard a pin drop, the silence was so complete. Finally, Fluttershy broke the spell over the room.
“But... I am gay.”
Author's Note
I was going to stretch this chapter out a lot longer, but I felt guilty about having gone a whole week updateless when my chapters are barely over 1000 words. I Pinkie promise they'll get longer soon, but for now enjoy the delicious filler-y goodness while I prepare for the hardcore exposition.
