Atrox, the Dark Conqueror

by Alpha Scorpii

Rating: everyone
Tags: Random, Comedy
Length: 16360

Once again, Equestria is threatened by a powerful evil force, an ancient enemy from the past.

A terrible evil force from the distant past of Equestria has been released! A new era of darkness is approaching! Twilight and her friends must face their most terrible foe! Chaos! War! Death! … Actually, no. Just the nonsensical misadventures of an unlucky Multiversal Conqueror lost in Equestria. Expect the unexpectable.

——————————

A story without plot or logic that was never meant to have any of those things. It was also my first time trying to write a nonsensical comedy, without much result. Still, it was a fun experience.

I'm Spanish, so expect to find grammar mistakes. Feel free to correct me at anytime, but please, be kind.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-03-29 15:59:30 UTC

The return of an ancient evil

The return of an ancient evil

Long before the founding of Equestria, in a time when the unicorns still hadn’t mastered their magic powers and the pegasi weren’t at charge of the weather, before the earth ponies discovered agriculture and when the cutie marks were things like sharp sticks and stone wheels; at that time, the world was threatened by a terrible hostile force. A dark entity from beyond the stars, disposed to conquer everything in his path. I’m talking about an evil so powerful, so dreadful, that the Windigos would rather jump into an active volcano than face him in combat.

The name of this terrible enemy... was Atrox, the Dark Conqueror.

This ancient demon would have plunged our world in darkness, but fortunately, a hero from another dimension helped the ponies in their worst hour. After a terrible battle that shook the skies and the land, Atrox was finally defeated and imprisoned in a secret tomb, by a magic even more ancient than the Elements of Harmony. Then, the hero disappeared, promising that, if someday the monster was released, he would return to fight him again.

   “Is that story real, sister?” asked Luna, once Celestia had finished her narration.

   “Who knows?” shrugged the Princess of the Sun. “It’s a legend I heard when I was a little filly, you weren’t born yet. Probably it’s just an old tale from the times previous to the foundation of Equestria to scare the foals, don’t take it seriously.”

***

   Unknown to Celestia, however, the tomb prison of the dreaded Atrox was real, and it was closer than she could had ever imagined. To be precise, it was inside of a cave, twenty-five meters at the East of Ponyville. Fortunately, the magic seal was quite hard to break, so that dark force from the past wouldn’t be freed just by three fillies fighting in front of the tomb. The ritual to break the seal would need the reunion of the essences of the three types of ponies in one organic vessel (but not an alicorn) plus the essence of water as a catalyst. Also, and this part was very important, the vessel had to be naturally marked with the power of the stars.

   So, the only thing that could free Atrox would be an Ursa Minor (or Major) that had eaten an earth pony, a pegasus and a unicorn, and had drank some water. And the tomb was too small for an Ursa to enter there.

   However, a pegasus could perfectly walk inside. Like the gray one who, that morning, was wandering near the cave, with an angry expression on her face.

   Derpy had been victim of the pranks of Rainbow Dash, like everypony else in the town, and she had laughed about that, like everypony else. But that time, Dash had gone too far, and she was very angry at her!

   The gray pegasus saw the cave and entered there. She liked to do that when somepony yelled or laughed at her, it was the closest thing of disappearing from the face of Equestria, which was something that she wished to happen every time she was angry.

   Derpy laid in the cold stone ground of the tomb, ignorant of the creature who was imprisoned under her hooves.

***

   “You did what?!” shouted Twilight Sparkle, scandalized.

   “It was really funny!” laughed Rainbow Dash. “Oh, I can’t believe that she actually ate it!”

   “Dash, that was very disgusting! I usually don’t mind your pranks, but this time you’ve gone too far!”

   “Oh, come on, Twilight... I only gave Derpy a muffin with a little surprise inside...”

   “One of your feathers, a hair from Applejack’s mane and magic waste from the Spell Flu I got two days ago is just a small surprise for you?!"

   Spell Flu: a disease very common among unicorns, harmless but very annoying, that causes the horn of the unicorn to continuously emit magic radiation, also known as ‘magic waste’ and ‘unicorn dust’

   “Poor Derpy...” sighed Twilight. “At least you could have stopped her before eating the whole muffin!”

   “Relax, girl, she’s not going to die. I always keep my wings clean, and pegasi cannot catch the Spell Flu.”

   “And how about Applejack’s mane?”

   Rainbow Dash thought about it for a second, and then said:

   “Applejack is the healthiest pony in the town. Her hair is probably nutritious. Besides, I gave Derpy water after the prank.”

   “Still, what you did was not nice at all. You should... no, you must apologize to her.”

   “Ok, ok, I’ll apologize when she’s back.”

   “I really hope that she doesn’t get sick. I was planning to watch the stars with her this night.”

   “Really? I didn’t know that Derpy was into that kind of things.”

   “Actually, and this is a very amazing coincidence, the bubbles of her cutie mark are a exact replica of the Unnamed Constellation of the West.”

***

   The ground trembled, and the walls of the cave cracked, releasing a yellow light. Derpy flew outside as fast as she could, starting to think that inanimate objects were allergic to her or something, the only possible explanation of why everything seemed to break when she was around.

   The tomb and the cave were disintegrated by a column of yellow light. Then, a creature emerged from the ground. It was bipedal, and it was wearing and dark red armor with several eye motifs. The gray helmet and the breastplate had the shape of two demonic faces. The skin of the creature was black, as a night without stars, and its face was just two eyes and a mouth, bright and red like hellish flames.

   The yellow light faded away, and the creature exhaled a little cloud of steam.

   “I... am... free!” it announced, in a loud, theatrical voice. “After so many years, my forced slumber is over! Now, I shall resume my conquest of this pathetic world! Atrox is back! You!”, he pointed at Derpy with a finger. “Ah, my little pegasus... You cannot even begin to imagine the magnitude of the force you’ve just released! But fear not, for I am grateful. You’ve freed me, so now, before starting my campaign, I shall grant you a wish.”

   Derpy didn’t understand most of the things said by the so-called Atrox, but the word ‘wish’ caught her attention. She smiled, knowing exactly what she was going to ask...

***

   “I really think that you should go search for her instead of waiting!” shouted Twilight Sparkle, looking up.

   “Ugh...” groaned the blue pegasus, trying to sleep in her cloud. “I told you, I’ll apologize later.”

   “Why can’t you do it now?”

   “Because go away and let me sleep!” and she put cloud in her ears.

   “Dash, you’re being very immature! Get back to the ground right now and go search for Derpy! I’m serious, Rainbow Dash! I’m going to count to three: one...”

   Then, the unicorn heard steps behind her. She turned back, and saw a black creature in a red armor, with a gray pegasus flying over its head.

   “There she is!” said Derpy Hooves, pointing at the cloud with a hoof.

   “Rainbow Dash!” shouted Twilight. “Wake up!”

   Too late. Atrox raised one of his arms, and an indigo energy trail, kinda like electricity, emerged from the black fingers and caught Rainbow Dash, forcing her to came off from the cloud. Then, with the same hand, Atrox grabbed her by the throat. The pegasus squeaked like a toy.

   “So you’re that prankster,” he said. “You gave Derpy a muffin with the essence of the three types of ponies, and she ate it, thus becoming the key which set me, Atrox the Dark Conqueror, free from my prison.”

   Rainbow Dash gulped. Twilight gave her a deadly stare.

   “Due to that, I should thank you,” continued Atrox. “Technically, you’re the true responsible for my return. However...”, he tightened his grip. Dash squeaked again and her face became more blue than usual.  “My schoolmates used to do pranks on me all the time. I didn’t like it. You’re a prankster too, so you must pay! What punishment do you want for her, Derpy?”

   “Force her to apologize to me!” said the gray pegasus. “And she will have to buy me a box of muffins!”

   Atrox allowed Rainbow Dash to breathe again.

   “You’ve heard her,” he said.

   “I apologize!” shouted Dash, as loud as she could. “I’m really sorry, Derpy!”

   “Now, buy her those muffins.”

   “But... I don’t have much money right now...”

   “That won’t be a problem. Take me to the nearest bakery!”

***

   Mr. and Mrs. Cake contemplated their new client, which had Rainbow Dash in one of his hands, as he pulled out a little black bag from some place inside of his armor and released its content over the counter: gold nuggets.

   “They have been in my pocket for millennia,” explained Atrox to the Cakes, very politely. “But they’re as well preserved as if they were new. I hope it is enough for a box of muffins.”

   “Uh...” said Mrs. Cake. “Yes, yes it is... In fact, it is too much for just a box...”

   “You can keep the change,” he dropped Rainbow Dash in front of the counter and changed his tone to a more menacing one: “Buy it.”

   “Why don’t you do it yourself?” complained she. “You’ve already gave them the money! For Pete’s sake, this is incredibly stup- Agh!”

   “Buy it,” repeated Atrox, strangling Rainbow Dash with one hand. Again.

   “All right, I’ll do it! Ugh... I want a box of muffins, please...”

   “And...” added Atrox, again speaking politely. “Since it’s more than enough money, I would also like to buy one of those chocolate cupcakes for me. I love chocolate. You can still keep the change, my good bakers.”

   “Will you release now, please?”

   Atrox dropped Rainbow Dash in the ground and gave the box of muffins to Derpy. Twilight gave him a weird look while he ate the whole chocolate cupcake in one bite.

   “Are you sure you are a Dark Conqueror?” she asked.

   “Of course!” he replied, theatrically. “And now that my debt with Derpy Hooves has been repaid, it’s time to start the conquest!”

   Atrox went outside, followed by Twilight, Dash and Derpy, the last one eating her muffins.

   “I remember this place!” he said, looking at Ponyville. “The buildings weren’t here the last time, but I remember the land! This is where that damned hero from another world imprisoned my army of robots!”

   “Your what?!”

   “But now that I’m free, his magic seal can be easily broken by my power!” he raised an arm. “Come to me, my metallic servants!”

   The ground started to shake, at first lightly, but it became more violent in a few seconds. Then, big creatures made of steel emerged like moles. The ponies who were in the streets at that moment ran away, scared.

   “There were robots under Ponyville?” asked Rainbow Dash. “Why nopony noticed it until now?”

   “I will finish what I started centuries ago!” announced Atrox. He looked at the town hall, and said: “That must be the main building of this town. Robots! Form a corridor to that house, so I can walk victoriously to it!”

   Immediately, the mechanic soldiers formed two lines, going from Atrox to the town hall. The robots of one line were directly looking at the robots of the other line.

   “I have to warn Princess Celestia!” said Twlight. “Dash, distract Atrox while I’m going with Spike!”

   “Oh no, you won't!” laughed Atrox.

   He just looked at them, and Twilight and Rainbow were immobilized by chains of dark energy.

   “And now, watch me as I conquer my first town...”

   Atrox started to walk. He was about to enter in the corridor formed by his robots, when Derpy accidentally dropped one of her muffins, which, due to the particular properties of cartoonish pastries, bounced several times in the ground, until it ended right in the path of Atrox, who didn’t see it, and squashed it with his feet, slipping and falling back. And, when he hit his head with the ground, the conqueror decided to express his feelings with two words:

   “Ah, shoot!”

   And each loyal robot obeyed, releasing its weapons and shooting at the thing right in front of it, which was a robot from the other line. The steel soldiers became scraps of smoking circuits.

   “My robots!” shouted Atrox.

   “My bad...” apologized Derpy.

   The Dark Conqueror stood up and looked at the remains of his army, with his mouth widely opened. The gray pegasus approached, shy.

   “Sorry,” she apologized, again. “Are you mad at me?”

   Atrox growled, inflated his cheeks, and raised his hand. For a moment, it looked like he was about to hit Derpy, but the conqueror just tapped her head gently.

   “It doesn’t matter.” he said, using his polite voice. “Actually, it’s my fault. I should have said other thing instead of shoot.”, he crossed his arms and smiled to the skies. “What matters is that I’m free, and that hero is not here to stop me this time! The robots were only a small fraction of my old forces, I still have much more ways to take over this world. Eventually, this land and all its inhabitants will be under my control!”, and then he laughed maniacally.

   “In the meantime, you can clean this mess,” said the Mayor, appearing out of nowhere and giving Atrox a broom, while pointing at the remains of the robots. She was visibly annoyed. “It’s not nice to drop garbage in the towns of other ponies, you know? Come on, clean it.”

   “Uh...” Atrox looked down, ashamed. “Yes, ma’am...”

   He snapped his fingers, releasing Twilight and Dash from the magic chains, and started to sweep the metallic scraps and the circuits.

   “Now it’s our chance!” said Rainbow Dash. “Quick, Twilight, go for Spike! I’ll kick his ass in the meantime!”

   “No, leave him alone.”

   “What?! Are you crazy or something?! That guy is clearly a menace to all Equestria!”

   Twilight looked at Atrox, sweeping what it was left of his soldiers. Derpy approached him, with the box in her hooves.

   “A muffin?” she offered.

   “Yes, thank you.”, said Atrox, picking one. “Thank you very much.”

   “Actually...” said Twilight to Dash. “I’m not so sure... But let’s search for Spike anyway. Somepony has a letter to send to the Princess, don’t you think?”

***

   “Now I won’t be able to sleep,” groaned Luna. “I’ll be worried all night. What if Atrox is real?”

   “Well...” said Celestia. “Even if he is, the legend is from very old times, and it probably exaggerates. The real Atrox may not be so evil or dangerous.”

   Then, a scroll materialized in a green fireball. Celestia picked it and read it in loud voice:

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today I’ve learned that everything has to have a limit, even the pranks. Not everypony may react nicely to them, because what it looks fun to you may not be it for other ponies, and something like that can end up breaking a friendship. So, because I don’t want to end up laughing alone, I’ve decided to low my pranks, in order to preserve all my wonderful friends.

I’ve also decided to never again do a prank with a surprise muffin, because it may end up releasing an ancient Dark Conqueror and his army of robots.

Yours faithfully,

Rainbow Dash.

   For the moment, Equestria is saved from the evil hands of Atrox. However, the Dark Conqueror still has many plans to rebuild his empire. Will our ponies stop him the next time?

To be continued... maybe.

The Castle of Doom

The Castle of Doom

   “Well, it is done,” said Spike, shaking his hands while the last green flames vanished in the air. “The letter has been sent to Princess Celestia.”

   “I hope you don’t forget today’s lesson, Dash,” said Twilight.

   “Yeah, whatever...” groaned the blue pegasus. “So, what are we gonna do with that Atrox guy?”

   “For the moment, nothing.”

   “Are you going to let him go?”

   “I didn’t say that. We’ll let him live in Ponyville, but we’ll keep our eyes on him. I’ve sent Pinkie Pie to watch over him. We’ll act as soon as he makes any suspicious movement. Until then, I don’t think it will be necessary to reunite the girls and...”

   Then, in a bright flash of light, the two Princesses appeared in the middle of the library, carrying the box which contained the Elements of Harmony.

   “I’ve received your letter, Twilight Sparkle,” said Celestia. “Reunite your friends, it is time to act!”

***

   Atrox had finally swept all the remains of his robots, leaving the main square of the town as clean as a whistle. Now, he was sitting in one rock, at the outsides of Ponyville, looking at the skies and ignoring the pink pony who was spying him from inside a bush.

   “Oh, hello, Twilight!” he heard. “Oh, everypony is here! Even the Princesses! Are we having a camping?”

   Princesses? Atrox stood up and turned back. If there was any royalty in that world, they would be his deadliest enemies, and the first ponies he should eliminate.

   “What is this?” he asked when he saw the two alicorns. “A mix of the three types of ponies in one body? That’s new. And there’s two of them!”

   “It is over, Atrox!” said Celestia. “My student has warned us of your presence, and we will stop you before you can cause any damage you our land!”

   Atrox laughed, and his body was surrounded by an indigo aura.

   “I assume you ponies have become stronger since the last time,” he said. “However, no matter how much you had improved, you’re no match for me!”

   “We’ll see that! My dear student, use the Elements of Harmony!”

   “Are you sure, Princess?” asked Twilight. “You didn’t let me explain...”

   “There’s nothing to explain!” said Rainbow Dash. “He’s gonna pay for how he humiliated me before! Let’s kick his ass!”

   Twilight sighed, there was nothing she could do.

   The Mane Six charged the Elements of Harmony, and they were surrounded by a bubble of light. Atrox simply smiled and crossed his arms over his chest. Was he not going to defend himself?

   Twilight and her friends fired the power of friendship, and the rainbow-colored beam crossed the air, directly towards the Dark Conqueror. However, the seven colours dispersed when they clashed with the dark aura of Atrox.

   “It didn’t work?!” shouted Luna. “That’s impossible!”

   “Those puny talismans are useless against me!” laughed the Dark Conqueror.

   “Step back, my dear student!” said Celestia. “My sister and I will take care of him!”

   Celestia and Luna pointed at Atrox with her horns and fired two powerful magic beams. The Dark Conqueror extended his arms and stopped the attacks with his bare hands, without receiving a single scratch.

   “I’ll show you how it’s done!”, he said, and fired red energy beams through his eyes.

   Luna created a shield of blue light and deflected the attack. Then, Celestia launched a big fireball. The aura of Atrox increased its size, and it literally devoured the fiery projectile.

   “I can feel that you two have a lot of power,” said the Dark Conqueror. “Why are you restraining yourselves so much? Unleash all your strength, otherwise this won’t be funny!”

   “Very well,” said Celestia. “But we’ll continue our fight in another place. If we use our true power here, we could harm the ponies. There is a desert in that direction. Let’s go there.”

   Atrox looked at the sky again, and smiled.

   “Sorry,” he said. “Normally, I wouldn’t mind about a change of scenario, but I’m waiting for something to come here, and it will arrive in a few seconds, I can’t move. Look!” he pointed at the sky. “There it is!”

   The ponies looked up. Something was flying through the air at high speed, leaving a trail of smoke and fire. It was going to land in their position.

   “My Castle of Doom!” announced Atrox. “It can move by itself, and it answers to my commands, even if it’s at the other end of the galaxy! Before that damn hero imprisoned me, I hid my castle in the Moon, and now it’s time for it to return with its master!” he pointed at the ground. “This place will be the new home of my Castle of Doom, and Ponyville will become the capital of my new Empire! Now, my faithful fortress, mark this land with your shadow!”

   The castle descended, extending a big curtain of sand and smoke, while Atrox was laughing maniacally.

   Then, the smoke and the dirt settled, and everypony could see the dreaded building: the design was certainly impressive, white and with the shape of a skull, with sharp fangs and yellow eyes.

   However, it wasn’t very big. Actually, it wasn’t a castle at all, it looked more like a small house. Fluttershy’s cottage was bigger. Atrox’s aura disappeared, and the Dark Conqueror grabbed the horns of his helmet.

   “My castle!” he shouted. “What happened to my precious Castle of Doom?!”

   “Oooh... I remember now,” said Luna, suddenly. “When I was imprisoned in the Moon for one thousand years, I spent time by destroying your castle. Slowly. That’s the only part that I left intact.”

   “You did what?!”

   “Really, Luna?” asked Celestia, raising an eyebrow. “It’s not very nice to destroy the properties of other creatures, even if they are dark conquerors.”

   “Hey, I was Nightmare Moon back then. I was angry, evil, and bored.”

   “Watch out!” warned Dash. “Atrox is fleeing!”

   “I don’t think so,” said Twilight. “He’s just walking away.”

   “Watch out, he’s walking away! Follow him!”

***

   The Mane Six and the Princesses followed the Dark Conqueror to the Sugarcube Corner. Atrox entered in the bakery and sat in one of the tables. He looked really fed up. And depressed.

   “Oh, welcome back,” said Mrs. Cake. “Can I help you?”

   “Give me all the chocolate ice cream you have,” groaned Atrox. “I don’t have more gold, but I’ll pay you by destroying your deadliest enemy... or something like that...”

   Mrs. Cake didn’t ask any questions. She shrugged and gave the Dark Conqueror a pot of chocolate ice cream and a spoon. Atrox started to eat, sobbing between each bite.

   “I kinda feel bad for him,” said Luna.

   “Well, apologize,” suggested Celestia. “For destroying his castle.”

   “What? ... Ugh, ok...”

   Two hours later, Atrox had eaten three pots of ice cream. Luna was sitting in front of him, with a box of handkerchiefs. The Dark Conqueror picked one from time to time, while still sobbing and moaning about his life.

   “I never had a true connection with my father,” he explained. “I guess because he wanted someone like him: athletic, hard-working, down to earth... I think I always was a disappointment for him. I only had a good relationship with my mother, but she stopped talking to me when I started this whole Multiversal Conqueror thing...”

   “I’m sorry to hear that,” said Luna, trying to comfort him.

   “She wanted me to go to the University and get a degree, or something... Why she couldn’t conform with the solar system I conquered for her? Dammit, mom, I put your name to one of the planets! To a gas giant! You said you liked gas giants!” and he started to cry.

   “Hey, come on...” Luna approached and tapped him in the back. “It’s not so bad. I designed one of the constellations to look exactly like my mother, and she didn’t even notice...” and Luna started to cry, too. Atrox passed her the next pot of ice cream.

   At the door, Celestia sighed.

   “I’ll better take my sister back to Canterlot before this gets too complicated,” she said. “Twilight Sparkle, keep an eye on Atrox. Although, frankly, I don’t think he’s going to give troubles to us.”

   Once again, Equestria has been saved from becoming one of Atrox’s conquests... But will our ponies have the same luck the next time?

To be continued... maybe.

It's not easy to build an empire...

It’s not easy to build an empire...

   It’s not easy to build an empire...

   There was a new house in Ponyville. Placed outside the actual town, just like Sweet Apple Acres or Fluttershy’s cottage, it was quite noticeable, with the peculiar shape of a skull. On the inside, Atrox, the Dark Conqueror, was trying to put his life in order. That was his second day on Equestria, and he still hadn’t conquered anything! That had to change, and quickly!

   The good news: his house, the only room from his old fortress which Luna hadn’t destroyed, was the attic of the Castle of Doom, a little warehouse for every kind of objects.

   The bad news: most of those objects were junk. Most of them...

   “Ah, my To Do List!” said Atrox, picking a notebook. “Good, at least I’ll be able to keep track of the things I’ve already done, to not repeat them. Let’s see...”

   And he started to read:

To Do List by Atrox, the Dark Conqueror

Master the Forbidden Magic. Done.

Build a magitek starfleet. Done.

Use the magitek starfleet to conquer the solar system where I was born. Done.

Use the magitek starfleet to conquer other solar systems. Done.

Buy new curtains for the Castle of Doom.

Make a movie about me, starring me. Done.

Watch the movie in the theatre. Force everyone to pay the entry, except me. Don’t forget the popcorn. Done, done, and done.

Buy more chocolate cereals.

Learn how to cook. Done.

Conquer an inhabited planet and rename it to ‘Ass’. Laugh at the inhabitants of Ass

.

   Etcetera.

   Atrox turned the pages of the notebook with a nostalgic sigh. So many things done, so many things to do... He took a pencil and added, at the end of the list: ‘Search for the hero who imprisoned me, throw him into a volcano, then throw the volcano into a star, then throw the star into a black hole.’

   He put the notebook inside of a drawer, and continued to reorganize his possessions, clearing the center of the house. Then, with a red marking pen, Atrox drew a circle in the floor, filling it with strange magic symbols.

   Somebody knocked at the door.

   “Can we come in?” asked a voice. Atrox identified it as the voice of the purple unicorn.

   “We’ve brought you a welcome cake!” said a second voice. It was Derpy.

   Atrox opened the door, allowing the two ponies to enter in his home.

   “Oh, chocolate cake!” he smiled, taking the present. “Thank you!”

   “I think that we started on the wrong hoof,” said Twilight. “So, we’ve come to give you the official welcome to Ponyville.”

   “You have the hope that this act of kindness and neighborliness is going to stop me from conquering Equestria, don’t you?” inquired Atrox.

   “Uhm... Actually, yes.”

   “Well, I’m sorry, but that’s not going to happen,” the Dark Conqueror left the cake in a table. “In fact, you come in good time. I’m about to summon my old lieutenants! They will help me to take over your world!”

   Twilight rolled her eyes.

   “You can stay, if you want,” Atrox grabbed two chairs and approached them to the table. “Can I offer you something? Water? Milk? Tea? I don’t have coffee, I’m sorry.”

   “I want orange juice!” said Derpy, immediately sitting in one of the chairs.

   “Orange juice, good. And for you, Twilight?”

   The unicorn sighed and sat on the other chair, asking for a glass of milk. She was a bit curious to see what Atrox was going to summon.

   The Dark Conqueror served the drinks to his two guests, and then he approached the red circle in the floor.

   “My army is divided in several legions, scattered through the Multiverse,” he explained, with a smile on his black face. “I’ll now summon the leader of each one of them. Once I’ve reunited all my old comrades at my side, we’ll start the conquest of Equestria!” he raised his hands. “First, I summon the head of my Insectoid Legion, from Universe 304, born on the planet Thramas; Lieutenant Zyghack!”

   There was an explosion of magic and smoke inside of the circle, and a creature materialized from thin air: it looked kinda like a giant wingless cicada, bipedal and taller than Atrox himself. It had four arms: the upper ones ending in pincers, and the lower two in hands. It also had two enormous, disturbing red compound eyes, as well as drooling fangs.

   “Lord Atrox?” asked the creature. “Is that you?”

   “Ah, I see you remember me,” smiled the Dark Conqueror, pleased, crossing his arms.

   “Amazing! You’re exactly as my grandfather described you!”

   “Uh... what?”

   “I’m so excited!” the cicada applauded with his pincers, squeaking like a fangirl. “Your legend has passed down in my family for generations! I was hoping to meet you someday!”

   “Wait a second, aren’t you Zyghak, the lieutenant of my Insectoid Army?”

   “Well...” the cicada blushed. “I’m Zyghack, but not your lieutenant. I’m actually his last descendant, Zyghack the 45th.”

   ‘Have they been naming their children Zyghack for forty-five generations?’ thought Twilight, raising an eyebrow.

   “Well, it makes sense,” said Atrox. “I’ve been imprisoned for several millennia, I guess all of my original lieutenants died long ago. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll be as good soldier as your ancestor was! I need the help of my old forces to conquer this world of ponies!”

   Atrox pointed at Derpy and Twilight.

   “Oh, they are so cute!” said the cicada.

   “Thanks...” blushed Twilight.

   “Prepare yourself, my friend!” continued Atrox. “The Insectoid Legion shall rise one more time, and...!”

   But Zyghack was scratching the back of his head with a pincer, with a sorry look on his insectoid face.

   “Yeah... about that...” he said. “I’m afraid we’re not a legion anymore...”

   “What?!”

   “Remember those giant magitek portals? The ones that allowed your starships to go from one universe to another? They stopped working when you were defeated, so each legion was left separated from the others. We tried to seize control of Universe 304, but I’m afraid we’re good just at following orders, not at giving them. Also, the economy of 304 was in a pretty bad shape, there was a threat of recession, so... we dismantled the starfleet of the Insectoid Legion, including the portals, and we mounted an intergalactic fast food chain.”

   “What?!”

   “I’m deeply sorry, Master...”

   “But... but your fast food franchise controls Universe 304, right?”

   “Actually... no. We share the the business with other two franchises. We have a common syndicate.”

   “You’ve gotta be kidding me!”

   “And, Master...” Zyghack blushed again. “I don’t want to be bad-mannered... but you just summoned me while I was in my turn, so... could you please take me back? I can’t get fired, I really need the money. I’m still paying the mortgage of my house.”

   “Oh, yes, I’m sorry!” Atrox wasn’t lying, he was really sorry. “Wait, I’ll write you a note so they don’t fire you.”

   The Dark Conqueror gave Zyghack a sheet of paper, then apologized for the troubles, and then he sent him back to Universe 304.

   “Derpy,” whispered Twilight, starting to suspect where things were going. “Maybe we should to Sugarcube Corner for more chocolate ice cream.”

   “It doesn’t matter!” exclaimed Atrox, who still hadn’t lost his spirit. “I have many more forces at my disposal! This time, I’ll call the Beast Legion!” he rubbed his hands and laughed. “The Beast Legion is composed entirely by a race of humanoid wolfs from planet Selenna, in Universe 25. They’re fierce, bloodthirsty warriors with an incredible strength!” he raised his hands. “Come to me, leader of the Beast Legion, Lieutenant Likaos!”

   There was another explosion inside the magic circle. Twilight was expecting a three-meter tall wolf monster with sharp fangs and yellow soulless eyes, or something like that; but what appeared in the center of the circle was a sea cucumber.

   “The heck?” asked the Dark Conqueror.

   “Oh, you must be Lord Atrox,” said the sea cucumber. “It’s nice to meet you, after having heard so much about you.”

   “Uh... Nice to meet you, too... whoever you are.”

   “I’m Likaos the 45th.”

   “But... but you’re a... I mean, you should be a giant wolf...”

   “Oh, yes, that... You’ll see, a few centuries ago, our species evolved into sea cucumbers.”

   There was a dead silence for a few seconds.

   “Really?” asked Atrox. “I mean... Sea cucumbers, really? Why?”

   “That’s the miracle of evolution: you never know what you’re gonna be next!”

   “Um...” Atrox took off his helmet and scratched his head. “I’m not an expert on the subject, but I think the probabilities of a mammal creature to naturally evolve into a sea cucumber are very, very low...”

   “Well, do you remember the magitek starfleet that you brought down to our planet? It filled everything with its magic radiations, and when you’re in an environment full of magic, these weird things tend to happen.”

   “I’m sorry about that. I can try to fix you.”

   “Actually, I think everyone in my planet likes to be a sea cucumber. It’s a better life than being a battle-loving half-sentient half-feral beast, much less stressing.”

   “Oh... ok...”

   “I can try to convince my brothers to fight for you one more time, but honestly, I don’t think that an army of talking sea cucumbers is going to be very useful.”

   “No, not really. No offense.”

   “Non taken. However, I think I’m dehydrating to death right now. If you don’t mind, could you send me back to my planet?”

   “Sure, sorry about that.”

   And the sea cucumber disappeared. The entire house was left in an awkward silence.

   “It doesn’t matter!” exclaimed Atrox one more time, putting on his helmet. “I know someone who will return to my side as soon as I ask for it: Charon Revenant!”

   “Other of your lieutenants?” asked Twilight.

   “No, he was my right hand,” the Dark Conqueror smiled again. “One of the deadliest warriors I’ve ever met, an unstoppable machine of destruction! He’s an Undead Knight, which means that he should be still around after all these years!” he raised his arms in front of the circle. “I summon you, Black Sword of Universe 100, Charon Revenant!”

   Another explosion took place, this one stronger and more spectacular than the others. A figure appeared inside the circle, again taller than Atrox, and surrounded by a terrible aura of dread and desperation. Twilight and Derpy gulped. Unlike the previous two, that one looked serious.

   He had an impressive black armor, with big spikes in shoulders that looked like human skulls. The armor was filled with motifs of bones, ravens and snakes. His face, partially hidden by a demonic helmet, was skinny, rotten, and skeletal. His eyes were just two tiny red dots in the empty eye sockets. In his belt, he had a black sword which looked like if it had been forged in the fires of Hell itself.

   “Welcome back, my old friend!,” said Atrox. “It’s good to see a familiar face, after so many years!”

   “My lord...” said Charon Revenant, with a deep voice that sounded like if it was coming from the Afterlife, and not from the nice one, precisely.

   “I have a new world to conquer, my faithful champion. Can I count with your invincible sword one more time?”

   The Dark Conqueror and the Undead Knight looked at each other for a few seconds. Twilight gulped, Charon Revenant was obviously going to join Atrox, and he looked dangerous. The unicorn was sweating. With that armored bahamut on his side, the Dark Conqueror would become a true menace! Nobody in Equestria would be able to face him!

   Were they doomed?

   “I am a Buddhist now,” explained Charon. “I do not fight anymore.”

   The awkward silence returned, this time unexplainably accompanied by the sound of crickets.

   “Whaaaaaaaaaaat?!” Atrox’s helmet fell on its own, and the Dark Conqueror pulled his hair, as black as the rest of his body. “But... But... You’re wearing a sword right now!”

   “It's for cutting the bread for my breakfast.”

   “Butbutbutbutbutbut...”

   “Actually, I was hoping for you to set free and summon me. I have waited a long time to give you this.”, the Undead Knight handed a sheet of paper to Atrox. It was a resignation letter. “I quit from your army. Sorry. You were a good boss.”

   The Dark Conqueror was foaming at the mouth.

   “If you could dismiss me now, I would be grateful. I left my oven on.”

   Mumbling some incoherences, the Dark Conqueror moved his hands, and Charon Revenant disappeared. Atrox sat on his own chair, between Twilight and Derpy, and started to smash his head against the table.

   “Um...” said the gray pegasus. “Should I go buy that chocolate ice cream?”

   They spent the rest of the afternoon watching as Atrox kept summoning his old lieutenants (their great-great-great-several times ‘great’ grandchildren, to be exact), only to discover that his Empire was gone, in every possible meaning of the word. Eventually, the Dark Conqueror erased the magic circle with a mop, took his To Do List, and crossed every Done word.

   “It seems that I have to start all over again,” he sighed. Then, he shook his head and added, with a renewed energy: “Well, it’s better this way! I’ll create a new Empire, starting here, in Equestria! It’ll be better, and more powerful!” he pointed at Twilight, theatrically. “Consider yourselves lucky, ponies, for you will witness the rebirth of the greatest force in the Multiverse!”

   “Whatever you say,” smiled Twilight. “Hey, I think Pinkie Pie was planning on giving you a welcome party in the Sugarcube Corner. We’ll go there now, to see it. Do you want come?”

   Atrox thought about it for a moment.

   “Sure, why not?” he shrugged.

   It seems that Fate is on the side of Twilight and her friends, for now. Deprived of his old army, Atrox is much less dangerous. However, his ambition is even greater than before. Be careful, little ponies! The frightening battle for Equestria has just started!

To be continued... maybe.

Villain Recruitment 1: Job interviews

Villain Recruitment 1: Job interviews

   Atrox was waiting in the darkness, sit on a chair, in front of a square table, with his arms crossed. He delighted himself with the immaculate silence of that place for a few seconds more, before opening his red eyes and announcing:

   “It’s time.”

   With these words, the lights came on all at the same time, revealing a spacious room filled with technological marvels. The walls were covered with big computers of shiny buttons and even shinier screens, like something taken from a science-fiction movie. That was going to be the new subterranean headquarters of Atrox and his future army: a hub under his skull-shaped house, filled magitek devices and protected from the outside by several spells. The Dark Conqueror had needed five days to build all that, but it was finally done.

   And it was time to search for new soldiers.

   “The first applicant, please come in,” he said, taking pencil and paper.

   The metallic door at the other end of the room opened, and a green unicorn mare trotted to the table.

   “Please, take a sit,” said Atrox. “Welcome, and thanks for responding to my ad. Tell me your name.”

   “I’m Lyra. Nice to meet you!”

   “Ah, yes, I remember you,” said Atrox, while writing the name. “You were in my welcome party. So, do you want to join my-”

   “Wow, I can’t believe that I’m seeing real human hands!” interrupted Lyra, with her eyes shining. “The legends were true, each one has five fingers!”

   “Uh... what?”

   “This is so exciting! A real human! When I saw you at the party, I couldn’t believe my eyes!”

   “Technically, I’m not a human. At least, not anymore...”

   “But you look like one, that’s enough for me. Say, could you please move your fingers for a while? I want to see them in action!”

   “Um... maybe we should finish the interview first...”

   “Oh, I’m not interested in the job, I just came here to see you. So, can you move your fingers, please?”

   The Dark Conqueror sighed. It was going to be a long morning, wasn’t it?

Next!

   This time, the applicant was a brown male earth pony, with gray mane and a red cap on his head.

   “Tell me your name, please,” asked Atrox.

   “Scruffy. The Janitor.”

   “Aha, ok...” the Dark Conqueror wrote it down. “So, your name is ‘Scruffy’, and you work as a janitor-”

   “No, that’s my whole name: Scruffy. The Janitor.”

   “So... your name is Scruffy The Janitor?”

   “No: Scruffy. The Janitor.”

   “Scruffy, the Janitor?”

   “No, no, no. Scruffy Dot The Janitor. Scruffy. The Janitor”

   Atrox crossed what he had written, and then he wrote the name again, making pauses of several seconds between each word to think about what he had just heard.

   “Ok,” he said. “Scruffy. The Janitor. What’s your speciality?”

   “I’m a janitor.”

   The Dark Conqueror blinked. Then, he sighed.

   “Let me get this straight...” he said. “You’re Scruffy. The Janitor, the janitor?”

   “Yup.”

   Atrox stood in silence for a few seconds, then he asked:

   “What does the dot mean?”

Next!

   There are no words that could describe the expression that appeared in Atrox’s face when he saw Lyra appearing at the door for a second time.

   “Hi again!” she said, sitting in the chair.

   “Lyra, I thought I had left it perfectly clear: if you don’t want the job, then-”

   “Do you have fingers in your feet, too?”

   “They’re called ‘toes’, and yes, I have them.”

   “Can I see them?”

   “If I show them to you, will you please go home and let me proceed with the real interviews?”

Next!

   “Princess Celestia?! What are you doing here?!”

   “I decided to visit you,” explained the alicorn, smiling. “You know, I realized that I didn’t behave very nicely when we first met. I admit, I was very nervous due to the ‘Dark Conqueror from the past returns with his army of robots’, and all that; so I thought that I could spent some time with you, to know each others, like good friends.”

   “Well...” Atrox blushed. “I’m honored that you consider me your friend, Princess... But I don’t know if you realize that right now I’m holding interviews to select my new soldiers... who one day will defeat you... I’m sorry, this situation is kinda violent.”

   “Oh, don’t worry, I’m not mad about it. Actually, I find nice that you want to make friends with my loyal subjects by offering them a job.”

   “May I ask, shouldn’t you be controlling the course of the Sun through the skies right now?”

   “Luna is in charge of both Sun and Moon today. She asked me to let her take care of everything for one day, since I’ve been doing it for one thousand years,” Celestia giggled. “She wants to be just like her big sister, isn’t it cute?”

   Then, a scroll materialized in a ball of red fire. The Princess read it, and sighed.

   “I’m afraid I have to go,” she said. “Luna couldn’t handle it, and now Equestria is going to clash against the Sun, I have to fix that. It’s been a pleasure to talk with you in such relaxed way, I hope we can do it again soon. Bye!”

   And she disappeared in a flash of light. Atrox remained silent for some seconds, and then he asked:

   “What the heck did just happen?”

Next!

   After spending ten minutes in absolute silence, looking directly at each other, Atrox decided to ask the applicant the only question he could think of at that moment:

   “Why are you inside a giant tub of blue jelly?”

Next!

   “For the last time, Lyra: if you don’t want the job, then go home!”

Next!

   Atrox took another sheet of paper and looked to the next applicant. At the other side of the table, he saw three little heads: a white unicorn, a yellow earth pegasus with a ribbon, and an orange (kinda brownish) pegasus.

   His reaction was immediate:

   “Aaaw... You three are the most adorable little things I’ve seen in all my life!”

   “Yeah, yeah...” sighed Scootaloo, rolling her eyes.

   “So, do you want to join my army?”

   “Yes,” said Applebloom. “Maybe that’s our special talent!”

   “Being soldiers?”

   “No, being applicants,” explained Sweetie Belle.

   “But a sword for cutie mark wouldn’t be bad, either,” smiled Scootaloo.

   “Oh, you have spirit, and ambition. I like that,” Atrox asked for their names, and wrote them down. “So, what are your special talents?”

   “Duh, we don’t know,” said Scootaloo pointing at her blank flank. “That’s why we’re here.”

   “Well, don’t worry. I guess after a little training you’ll be strong enough to help me defeat Celestia and Luna!”

   The three little ponies gasped.

   “Are you crazy?!” exclaimed Applebloom, scandalized. “We would never do anything like that!”

   “What?” asked Atrox. “You didn’t know? It was in the ad! Didn’t you read the whole ad? ... Wait a minute...”

   The Dark Conqueror went to the door, opened it, and looked at the line of applicants who were waiting in the corridor. Then, he asked:

   “How many of you actually know that these interviews are to create an army to overthrow the Princesses and seize the total control of Equestria?”

   Judging by the expressions in the face of the applicants, only a few of them.

   “Oh, for the love of-! It was all in the damn ad, people! Why do you come to a job interview without even reading the ad until the last sentence?! ... Ok, I guess most of you don’t want the job anymore, so please, go home. Specially you, Lyra.”

Next!

   The Dark Conqueror, back on his chair, took a deep breath of air. Now that the only applicants left were those who really knew the true objective of the interviews, everything would be easier. He called for the next one, and he was certainly impressed when he saw a blue female unicorn, dressed as an old wizard from a fairytale, with blue hat and cape, both of them filled with stars. And, unlike all the previous applicants, she looked kinda... evil.

   “Good morning, and thanks for coming,” said Atrox, thinking that perhaps his luck had changed. “Please, tell me your name.”

   The mare cleared her throat, put a hoof in the chest, and said, very theatrically:

   “You’re talking to non other than The Great and Powerful Trixie!”

   Atrox wrote it down.

   “So, your name is Trixie-”

   “The Great and Powerful Trixie,” corrected the unicorn. “Do not dare to ignore my title!”

   “Ok, ok, I’m sorry-”

   “You’d better be! And you should consider yourself honored that The Great and Powerful Trixie had decided to bless this...” she wrinkled her nose. “Ugly basement with her presence!”

   “I see that you like to speak of yourself in third person. So over-the-top... I like it! So, tell me, Great and Powerful Trixie...”

   “The Great and Powerful Trixie.”

   “Whatever. What is your special talent?”

   “Thanks to my magic, all of them,” smiled Trixie. “Anything you can do, The Great and Powerful Trixie can do it better.”

   Atrox raised an eyebrow.

   “My magic can destroy planets,” he said. “Can you do that better than me?”

   Trixie thought about it for a second.

   “Yes,” she said. “I’m pretty sure I can. I would find a way, eventually.”

   “You’re quite self-confident,” Atrox kept writing. “Well, if your spells are as powerful as you say, the job is yours.”

   “Excellent. Say, how we will distribute Equestria, after we conquer it?”

   Atrox stopped writing. The tip of the pencil broke.

   “Excuse me?” he asked.

   “The Great and Powerful Trixie desires to acquire the city of Canterlot, and the surrounding areas, of course. You can keep this lame village for yourself.”

   “We’re not going to distribute anything.”

   “What?”

   “I’ll become the absolute ruler of the entire planet. You can have Canterlot if you want it so much, but you will govern it under my command.”

   “No way! The Great and Powerful Trixie demands to become the queen in the future Diarchy of Trixie and The Other One. The Great and Powerful Trixie will have the half of the kingdom and will be equal in importance and power as the other monarch, who I suppose will be you, although The Great and Powerful Trixie would prefer a handsome stallion, or even-”

   “There will be no diarchy,” growled Atrox.

   “Oh! This is intolerable!” Trixie turned her back on Atrox. “The Great and Powerful Trixie will not use her magic to help a loser like you! I should’ve known how lame you are when I saw your hideous house. Your lack of style sickens me! In fact, you, unlike the Great and Powerful Trixie, are so not cool; that everything about you sickens me! I hope Celestia banishes you to the moon!”

   And she abandoned the room. Atrox pulled a bag full of sand out of nowhere and started to punch it, to relieve stress.

Next!

   This time, the applicant was not a pony, but much more menacing-looking creature: a griffin.

   “Oh, I like what I’m seeing,” said Atrox. “Talons, a sharp peak, big wings... Yes, you will be a good soldier!”

   “Thanks, bud,” said she, sitting in the chair. “The name’s Gilda.”

   “I like how it sounds. Now, tell me about you...”

   “Well, I’m pretty good at flying, that’s my main talent. I’m also a tough fighter, griffons are naturally stronger than ponies, even the earth ones. Oh, and I think you’ll like to hear this: unlike that unicorn from before, I’ll follow all your orders without question.”

   “That’s the spirit! You will get far in my new Empire, Gilda! Any other thing I should know?”

   “Well... it’s just a hobby, but I’ll tell you anyway: I like to scare and bother creatures that are weaker than me.”

   Once again, Atrox stopped writing, and once again, the tip of the pencil broke. Also, the Dark Conqueror was surrounded by his indigo aura.

   “So...” he said. “You’re a bully...”

   “Right.”

   “There were bullies in my school...” Atrox broke the pencil with his hand. “Yes... They were very bad with me... Oh, but I took my revenge, indeed... I brainwashed them all, and turned them into my mindless slaves!”

   “Uh... are you ok, bud?”

   “I remember Jason...” Atrox wasn’t talking to Gilda anymore. He was talking to his hands. “Yes... He was constantly making fun at me for not being athletic... And Daniel, always looking down on me and acting like if he was smarter... They became my pawns! Literally, I dressed them as pawns and used them in my Giant Chess Game!”

   “What?”

   “And not only the bullies... I took my revenge on that editorial, too! ‘Your book is not good enough for ours.’, they said... Ha! I forced them to publish my books, and then I burned the building down to the foundations!”

   “You know what? I think I don’t want this job anymore...”

   Gilda jumped off the chair and abandoned the room. Two seconds later, she returned and asked:

   “Aren’t you technically a bully, too?”

   But Atrox was still lost in his mind:

   “And all the times my computer got infected by viruses... Revenge! With my magic, I tracked down every single person on my homeworld who made viruses, and forced them to eat their own computers! Without salt!”

   “Yeah... I think I’d better get going...”

Next!

   “Repeat me your names, please,” asked Atrox.

   “I’m Spot,” said the smallest one.

   “I’m Fido,” said the bulkiest one.

   “And I’m Rover,” said the tallest one. “I’m the leader.”

   The Dark Conqueror wrote the names, each one with a small description of the corresponding dog, to remember who was each one.

   “So, let me get this straight...” he said. “You call yourselves ‘the Diamond Dogs’, and you are willing to work in my new army, if I, in exchange, use my powers to give you lots of jewels. Well, it’s seems like a fair deal- Don’t touch those buttons!”

   “But they shine!” said Spot, walking towards a computer, with his arms extended. “They’re emeralds, and sapphires, and...”

   “No, they’re buttons!” Atrox used his magic to put the dog back in the chair. “Don’t touch any of the computers, please! Ahem... Now, you also said that you have a little army of hounds, good, I like it. It’ll be nice to have an new legion so soon, that’ll make things easier- Don’t touch that button!”

   “Ruby...”, said Fido, approaching a big red button. “Ruby... Pretty...”

   “It’s not a ruby!” the Dark Conqueror used his magic again. “It’s a button, dammit! Look, it even has a warning, can’t you read it?! It doesn’t say ‘ruby’, it says ‘Self-Destruct Button. Do not push unless you really, really mean it’! Stay away from my computers! Rover, you say you were the leader, please explain to your comrades that those are not jewels- Don’t touch the #@&$ing buttons!"

Next!

   Two new stallions entered in the room, both of them unicorns. They were slightly taller and thinner than an average stallion, and if it wasn’t because one of them had a moustache, the two of them would be practically clones.

   “Mmh...” smiled Atrox. “I think you two will please me. I like your demeanor, and the way you dress... And those smiles in your faces tell me that you two are ambitious, creative, and evil! Yes, I like you! You already have extra points just for standing there! Impress me just a bit more, and the job is yours! Now, tell me your names...”

   But then, the two unicorns started to dance... and sing?

“Well, lookie what we got here, brother of mine, it’s the same in every town: a dark overlord from outer space with no army of his own! Maybe he’s not aware that there’s no need for these job interviews!”

“That the key for him to take this world in a ride you and I will provide!”

“Well you’ve got opportunity, in this underground facility!”

“He’s Flim!”

“Hes’ Flam!”

“We’re world famous Flim Flam brothers! Travelling pony mercenaries nonpareil!”

   The two unicorns jumped on the table, striking a pose and waiting for an answer. Atrox remained silent for a few seconds, and then he said just five words:

   “Out of my house. Now.”

Next!

   Atrox was double facepalming, with the elbows on the table. So far, the morning had been a disaster, and he hadn’t hired a single new soldier.

   “Hi!” said a female voice.

   The Dark Conqueror looked.

   “Derpy? What are you doing here? Didn’t you hear that this job is for dethroning both Celestia and Luna?”

   “I don’t care about that,” smiled the gray pegasus, sitting. “I want to work here!”

   “Why?”

   “Because you’re my friend. Also...” Derpy looked down. “I need a job...”

   “I thought you worked as a mailmare.”

   “I got fired yesterday. They say I’ve caused enough accidents.”

   Atrox stood up, without saying anything, and walked towards the door. When he was about to abandon the room, Derpy asked:

   “You’re not going to destroy Ponyville’s Post Office, are you?”

   Atrox stopped, turned back and returned to his chair.

   “No,” he said, sitting. “No, I’m not,” he took the pencil. “Well, since you want to join, I’ll not be the one to stop you. Say, what are your special abilities?”

   “I can fly,” Derpy flapped her wings. “Also, objects mysteriously break when I touch them.”

   “Always?”

   “No, sometimes they break when I’m just near them.”

   And then, the chair of Atrox broke.

   “Are you ok?” asked Derpy. “Uh... are you mad at me?”

   “I’m fine,” the Dark Conqueror stood up. “Don’t worry, I’m not mad at you. Actually, I think this power of yours will be useful for my cause!”

   “Really?” the eyes of the pegasus sparkled.

   “Of course! Our enemies won’t stand a chance once their weapons and buildings become scraps and dust before your presence! Derpy Hooves, welcome to my new army!”

   Then, the table broke.

Name: Derpy Hooves

Gender: Female

Species: Pegasus

Skills: Flight. Objects seem to mysteriously break when she’s near them.

Status: Recruited!

To be continued... maybe.

Mandatory zombie chapter

Mandatory zombie chapter

“Ok, I think we have it,” said Atrox, looking at the sheet of paper.

   He and the first member of his new army, Derpy Hooves, had spent all day working in the technological basement of the Dark Conqueror. Finally, after hours of trial and error, they had finally come up with good results.

   They had designed the flag of the New Empire.

   “Let’s revise it again, shall we?” said Atrox. “The flag will have a red background...”

   “... with a muffin in the center,” completed Derpy.

   “Correct. And the muffin will be on fire...”

   “... and it will have four arms, carrying a sword in each one.”

   “Except the right upper arm, which will carry an axe.”

   “And wings! The muffin will have gray wings, just like me!”

   “And wings,” the Dark Conqueror looked at the sketch they had drawn, proud of himself. “Much better than my old flag. Good work, Derpy!”

   “Thanks, sir!” the gray pegasus did a military salute.

   “What time is it?” Atrox looked at one of the computers, which had a clock installed. “Oh, look how late it is. I’m sorry to have kept you down here for so long, Derpy.”

   “It’s ok, it was fun!”

   “Tomorrow we will design the uniforms for my lieutenants. Come on, Derpy, let’s go to the upper level.”

   They abandoned the basement, turning off the lights, and they took the elevator, which lifted them to Atrox’s house.

   “It’s nighttime already,” said the Dark Conqueror, looking through the window.

   “I’d better get going,” said Derpy.

   “True. See you tomorrow. Have nice dreams.”

   “You too.”

   The pegasus left the house, and Atrox sat on his couch, to rest a bit.

   Then, not even seven seconds later, Derpy returned, accompanied by Twilight, who looked really worried. She closed the door after her, and used his magic to move the couch (Atrox included) and block the entrance.

   “Can I help you on something?” asked the Dark Conqueror, confused.

   “It’s terrible!” said the unicorn, panting. “Quick, we have to block the windows, too! We can’t allow them to enter!”

   “Who?”

   Atrox stood up and looked through the window, again. Then, he looked at Twilight and asked:

   “Why is there an army of zombie ponies coming this way?”

   “It’s my fault!” lamented Twilight. “I was practicing my magic in the Everfree Forest, to not hurt anypony, and I guess I made some mistake while reading the spell, and I summoned a horde of undead!”

   “Well, what’s the problem?” shrugged Atrox. “Just unsummon them.”

   “I can’t! The book with the counterspell is my house!”

   “Wait a second... You went to practice with a spell that could potentially call a horde of zombies, and you didn’t thought of bringing the counterspell with you?”

   “No time for details! You have to help me to reach the Library!”

***

   Meanwhile, at Sweet Apple Acres...

   Granny Smith took the bottle of cider and drank all of its content in three gulps. Then, cleaning her old lips with a hoof, the matriarch took her faithful shotgun and blew up the head of the nearest zombie.

   “Take that, you wormbag!”, she shouted, from behind the barricade.

   Big Mac was firing the machine gun he had inherited from his father, while Applejack had a shotgun of her own.

   “I want to use a real shotgun too!” grumbled Applebloom.

   “No, Applebloom,” said her sister. “You’re still too little. You have to use the shotgun for foals we bought for you.”

   “But I’m not a foal, I’m a big pony!”

   “Applebloom, obey your big sister.”

   The little filly had no other choice but to obey and conform with her My First Boom Stick. It was pink and it had a flower painted in the stock.

***

   Meanwhile, back at Ponyville...

   Several zombies exploded, and their fragments flew in the air. Atrox was firing energy beams through his eyes and hands, opening the way for Twilight and Derpy. The undead ponies were all around them, moaning:

   “Flesh...”

   “Brains...”

   “Send... more... paramedics...”

   Atrox created a sphere of shadows on his hand.

   “I call this one... The Acheron Ball!”

   And he threw it to a group of zombies, who exploded and became ashes.

   “This is hilarious!” laughed the Dark Conqueror. “I love zombies! I love playing with zombies!”

   “This is not a game!” said Twilight.

   “Speak for yourself. I feel like that time when I invaded Universe Z... Each planet was filled with undeads! I had so much fun making things explode there...”

   “Isn’t one of your old friends a zombie?”

   “Do you mean Charon Revenant? He’s not a zombie, he’s an Undead Knight, totally different. He’s polite, elegant, and never tried to eat the brain of anybody... Oh, look, more zombies there! I’ll send them to space with a Kamehameha!”

   “No! We have to reach the Library!”

   “You never let me do anything fun...”

   “Look!” said Derpy, pointing at the sky with a hoof. “There’s Rainbow Dash!”

   The blue pegasus crossed the night sky and descended at highspeed, leaving a rainbow trail behind her. He landed in the middle of a quite big group of undead ponies, causing a seven-coloured explosion and disintegrating all of them.

   Rainbow Dash crawled out from the smoking remains of the zombies.

   “Impressive,” said Atrox. “How many have you beaten? I already have thirty two.”

   “Only?” smiled Dash. “I’ve rainnuked seventy-eight of them so far.”

   “What?! Outrageous! The Dark Conqueror will not be defeated by a pony! Where are more zombies? I’ll kick their rotten plots!”

   “Not if I do it first!”

   “Enough!” shouted Twilight. “We have no time for competitions! We have to reach the Library!”

   Atrox and Rainbow grunted, unhappy.

***

   Meanwhile, at Carousel Boutique...

   “Get away from me!” screamed Rarity, defending herself with one of her own mannequins.

   “Flesh...” said the zombie. It was a pegasus, but their wings were too damaged, so he couldn’t fly. “Lungs... Kidneys...”

   “Ugh, so disgusting!” and Rarity hit the zombie with the mannequin, launching the undead against the wall.

   Opal was calmly sleeping in her basket. Apparently, the undead had no interest in animals.

   More zombie ponies were entering through the door, but suddenly, a big ball of brown fur came out of nowhere and slashed them all to pieces.

   “Rarity, are you ok?” asked Fluttershy, embraced to the neck of the bear.

   “Fluttershy? What are you doing up there?”

   “This is one of my friends. I asked him for help when those ugly things came to my house. I was so scared!”

   “Whatever, let me site!” and Rarity climbed the body of the bear, reaching the head.

***

   Meanwhile, at the Library...

   Atrox, Rainbow Dash and Derpy were waiting outside, with the mission to destroy any zombie that could approach the building. On the inside, Twilight was tirelessly searching for the book which contained the counterspell.

   “Come on...” mumbled Atrox, impatient. “Where are you, zombies? I have to surpass Rainbow Dash!”

   “He, he, he...” laughed the blue pegasus.

   “There they are!” shouted Derpy.

   A new group of undead ponies was approaching through the main road of the town.  It was quite big, more than any other they had seen up to that moment. The Dark Conqueror smiled, with his indigo aura electrifying the air. If he attacked first, if he could annihilate all those zombies in just one shoot, he would win Rainbow Dash!

   Then, a pink pony jumped out of nowhere.

   “Hi, guys!”

   “Pinkie?” aked Rainbow Dash. “What are you doing here, at this hour?”

   “I was taking my night walk.”

   “Whatever, step aside for a moment, please,” said Atrox. “I have to attack!”

   “Attack what? Are you playing some game?”

   “Pinkie this is serious,” said Dash, seeing that the zombies were getting closer. “Do what he says and step aside.”

   “Hey, Derpy’s here too! Hi, Derpy! How are you doing?”

   “Pìnkie, for the love of Celestia, run!”

   Too late. One of the zombies approached Pinkie Pie and bit her in the side. Dash gasped, her friend was going to turn into one of those undead abominations!

   But then, making a noise that sounded like a pop, the zombie transformed into a second Pinkie Pie.

   “Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there. Who are you?”

   “I’m Pinkie Pie! Nice to meet you!”

   “Really? I’m Pinkie Pie too!”

   “What a coincidence!”

   The two Pinkies were so busy talking to each other, that they didn’t react when the other zombies bit them. However, every time an undead pony nibbled the pink flesh, he turned into a new Pinkie Pie, who was bitten by other zombies, who also turned into more Pinkie Pies; and so on and so forth.

   Eventually, the whole horde of ravaging undeads became a pink legion of happy bouncing ponies.

   “Pinkie...” whispered Dash, suddenly becoming pale. “My God... It’s full of Pinkies...”

   “Hi, Rainbow Dash!” said dozens of equally pitched voices.

   “Aaaaaaaaaaaagh!”

   Then, Twilight came out from the Library, with a book levitating in front of her eyes.

   “I have it, guys! I’ve found the counterspell! Now we only need to-” she looked at Ponyville. She dropped the book. “Mother of Celestia...”

***

   Meanwhile, at Sugarcube Corner...

   “Ugh...” said Mr. Cake. “What’s all that noise?”

   The baker stallion got out of bed, yawning, and looked through the window to see what was the cause of that fuss. He remained staring at the streets for almost a minute, in silence.

   “What’s happening, dear?” asked Mrs. Cake.

   “Honey, do you remember that nightmare I used to have when Pinkie started to live with us? It has become real.”

***

   Meanwhile, at the Library... again...

   “What has happened?” asked Twilight, looking at the army of Pinkies.

   “I don’t know, but this is a disaster,” said Atrox. “There are no more zombies, so I can’t increase my score. You can be happy, Rainbow Dash. You’ve won this round... Rainbow Dash, are you ok?”

   The blue pegasus was curled in the ground, trembling.

   “We have to fix this somehow!” exclaimed Twilight.

   “Yes, I don’t want to conquer a world where everybody is the same,” said Atrox. “I did it once, and it was incredibly boring. Although, on the bright side, I only had to memorize one name for the entire population...”

   “Hey, Pinkie Pie!”

   Dozens of heads turned back at the same time.

   “Yes, Twilight?” asked they, in perfect synchronization. Then, they blinked.

   “No, I mean the real Pinkie Pie. The first one.”

   “Oh, that’s me!” said one of them, raising a hoof.

   “Good. Now, Pinkie, I’ll try to fix this, but I need to know: how did you turned all the zombies into clones of yourself?”

   “Zombies? What zombies?”

   “Didn’t you noticed? Ponyville was invaded by undead ponies just minutes ago!”

   That was a mistake, Twilight. At the mere mention of those words, all the Pinkie Pies screamed, scared. They started to frantically run all over the place, smashing everything in their path, like a pink wave of destruction.

   “Stampede!” shouted Atrox. “Be careful! Oh... Oh, no!”

   The army of Pinkie Pies steamrolled the Dark Conqueror.

   “Aaaaaargh!”

   “Atrox, are you ok?” asked Twilight, once the Pinkie Pies went away. “Dear Celestia, he’s dead! The stampede has killed him!”

   “What?!” shouted Atrox, standing up. “I die?! What kind of story is that, Scootaloo?!”

   “It’s my story,” said the little pegasus, in front of the class, holding a sheet of paper in her hooves. “Miss Cheerilee told us that we could write whatever we wanted.”

   “But nothing makes sense! Why is there an army of zombies under the Everfree Forest?! Why they turn into Pinkie Pies when they bite the original?! Why did you kill me?!” he looked around. “And why am I in this school, listening to your stories?!”

   “Don’t you remember?” said Sweetie Belle. “Miss Cheerilee got sick, and she asked you to take care of us for today.”

   “Oh, yeah, that’s right...”

   “Can I continue?” asked Scootaloo, impatient. “I want to get to the ending, it’s the most awesome part!”

   “Let me guess: Rainbow Dash saves the day, right?”

   Scootaloo frowned.

   “Yes,” she admitted. “Rainbow Dash saves the day...”

   “Oh, what a shock!”

   “Wait, wait, wait...” said the brother of Alpha Scorpii. “So, at the end it’s just a story made up by Scootaloo?”

   “Yes,” said Alpha Scorpii.

   “Don’t you think that you’re teasing your readers by doing that?”

   “I told them to ‘expect the unexpectable’, remember?”

   “But it doesn’t make sense: how can Scootaloo know the concept of Kamehameha?”

   “I guess they have their own version of Dragon Ball in Equestria, or something like that.”

   “Ok, but how could she know about Charon Revenant? Scootaloo never met him! And besides, the ‘it was just a story made up by a kid’ has already been done by South Park.”

   “Yes. So what?”

   “I can’t believe you stopped working on my story to write this garbage,” said Francisco.

   “Hey, who gave you permission to become real? Go back to the computer!”

   “And what are you gonna do next?” asked the brother of Alpha Scorpii. “A chapter in which everything turns to be just a dream at the end? Or one in which Atrox wakes up turned into a woman for no reason.?”

   “I don’t know. Bring me my Pinkie Pie plushie, please. It helps me to think.”

   “It’s just a cushion which you painted in pink.”

   “Shut up!”

To be continued... maybe.

Atrox strikes again!

Atrox strikes again!

   With a basket on his right arm, and the shop list in the left hand, Atrox was happily walking the path to the market. The episode of The Powerpuff Fillies of the previous night had been particularly good, and the Dark Conqueror had dreamed about his old days of glory. In a nutshell, Atrox was in a really good mood that morning.

   “A magnificent day, isn’t it?” asked he, smiling, to the mailstallion who was pulling from the mail carriage.

   “Sure it is,” the pony smiled back.

   “Have a nice morning, young colt. Oh, and tell your boss that he will perish in flames for firing Derpy. La, la, la...”

   Atrox started to jump, cheerfully greeting every creature he encountered:

   “Good morning, little mices! Good morning, birdies! Good morning, ants! Good morning, bacterias which I cannot see but surely are everywhere!”

   Then, he bumped into somepony.

   “Oh, I’m sorry, Fluttershy!” apologized Atrox. “Are you ok? I’m really sorry, I didn’t see you.”

   The yellow pegasus slowly looked up, frowning.

   “Never apologize,” she mumbled, “ when you can criticize.”

   “What did you say, Fluttershy?”

   She flapped her wings, angrily, and flew until she could look directly at the red eyes of the Dark Conqueror.

   “Oh, is the Lord of Zero Universes too busy with his nonexistent Empire to look for where he walks?!”, she said, in an absolutely non-friendly way. “No wonder the hero was able to defeat you! Your head is so in the clouds, that it would fly away if you weren’t wearing that helmet, which, by the way, is totally unimpressive and non-terrific, just like you. Actually, I fail to see how you could reunite an army in the first place. Who would like to work, much less fight, for such a loser like you? Just look at Ponyville, at us! What are we? Ferocious monsters? Raging demons? No, we are ponies! You haven’t been able to conquer a small town filled with defenseless small horses! You, sir, are pathetic!”

   The last word thundered like the Royal Canterlot Voice.

   “And now, if you allow me to pass, I have to find that pony who always delivers the wrong mail! And you’d better allow me to pass!”

   Atrox stepped aside, and Fluttershy walked away, with head high.

   The Dark Conqueror didn’t continue his walk to the market. He wasn’t jumping anymore, not even walking. He just stood there, with his lips trembling, and his red eyes filled with tears.

   Eventually, Fluttershy found the mailpony, then she threw a tourist in the air, then she insulted her friends Pinkie Pie and Rarity... well, you know how it went.

-------------------------------------------The next day...--------------------------------------

    Another good morning in Ponyville. The pegasi had done a magnificent job with the sky, and Celestia’s sun was gifting the land with its warm light.

   Fluttershy and Rarity were walking through the town. Anytime the yellow pegasus found some of the ponies she had insulted and/or bullied the previous day, she apologized.

   “I’m really glad to see you back to normal,” said Rarity, for the twentieth time.

   “Me too,” said Fluttershy. “But it won’t be really over until I formally apologize to everypony. Including Atrox.”

   Then, the entire town trembled. And again. And again. And again.

   A gigantic red figure made its way through the streets, leaving enormous footprints in the ground with its titanic feet of steel. The light of the sun reflected in its armor, red like blood. Both its head and chest had the shape of a skull, the first one adorned with a crown.

   “Kneel before me, equines!” sounded the voice of Atrox, coming from inside the giant robot.

   “What is that thing?!” shouted Rarity.

   “Fear and tremble, ponies, for you’re defenseless against the power of my iron titan! Look at your doom, the prototype for my future army of mobile weapons: Kaiser Atrox! Patent pending.”

   “Are you going to try to conquer Ponyville again? I thought you had abandoned such rude habits!”

   “You!” the robot pointed at Fluttershy with his steel finger. The pegasus hid behind Rarity. “You dared to mock me yesterday! You dared to call me pathetic! Now, Fluttershy, you and your fellow ponies will suffer my wrath! Revenge!”

   Trembling, she came out from behind Rarity, looked at the metallic skull head, gulped, and said:

   “I’m sorry!”

   “Prepare to meet your end! Your magic will not save- What did you say?”

   “I’m sorry,” repeated Fluttershy. “I shouldn’t have insulted you yesterday, I behaved in a very mean way, and I apologize for that. You weren’t the only one I hurt, I’m apologizing to everypony. I’m really sorry, Atrox.”

   The robot scratched the back of its head.

   “Oh, well...” said the Dark Conqueror, from the inside. “In that case... You’re forgiven, Fluttershy.”

   “Really?”

   “Of course. All of us behave like jerks sometimes. Don’t worry, what happened yesterday has been forgotten.”

   “Thank you. Now, could you please retire your giant robot and not conquer Ponyville?”

   “Are you kidding? I’m not angry at you anymore, but I’m not going to waste this opportunity of taking control of the town! Besides, what you said yesterday was partially right, I need to conquer something, and soon!”

   The red robot started to walk, heading its way to the town hall. Fluttershy and Rarity followed the steel titan.

   “We have to warn Twilight!” said the unicorn.

   “How about Derpy?” asked Fluttershy. “Maybe she could convince Atrox to stop!”

   “Derpy’s out of the town today, visiting some relatives in Manehattan!”

   “What are we gonna do?!”

   Then, the red robot stopped suddenly. Something was blocking its path, something really big. Rarity and Fluttershy approached, and with their mouths opened, they contemplated another giant robot, a white one and with the shape of a medieval knight, which had appeared out of nowhere.

   “Who dares to stay in my way?” asked Atrox, from inside his machine.

   The answer was yelled by three voices:

   “CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS PILOTS OF GIANT ROBOTS! YEAH!”

   “Sweetie Belle?!”, shouted Rarity. “What are you doing inside that thing?!”

   “Hi, sister!” said the voice of Sweetie Belle, while the white robot waved his hand. “Look what Pinkie Pie built for us!”

   “Pinkie Pie did what?!”

   Atrox laughed, pleased.

   “It seems that we’re going to have a mecha fight.”, he said. “I haven’t enjoyed one in quite a while. Ok, Cutie Mark Crusaders! Show me what your robot can do!”

   “You asked for it!” said the voice of Scootaloo. “You’ll witness the power of the Cutieatron Max! Applebloom, you control the legs! Sweetie Belle, the arms are yours! I’ll do the special attacks and I’ll shout their names! Let’s go!”

   Rarity and Fluttershy decided to sit down and enjoy the show. Pinkie Pie appeared out of nowhere and brought popcorn.

***

   Two punches of steel, red and white, clashed in the air. Despite having three different pilots, the Cutieatron Max moved perfectly, almost as good as the Kaiser Atrox, who was quite fast despite looking pretty heavy.

   “This town will be mine!” shouted Atrox. “Take this! Kaiser Lightning!”

   The red robot fired a spear of electricity through its fingers.

   “That’s nothing!” said Scootaloo. “Cutie Mark Shield!”

   The white robot pulled a circular shield out of nowhere, decorated with the cutie marks of the Mane Six. It blocked the lightning.

   “And now, Atrox, you’ll see... Hey! Where did he go?!”

   “Look up, my little ponies!” laughed and evil voice.

   Kaiser Atrox had jumped in the air. The robot materialized a long black sword in his hands and descended.

   “I’ll cut you in half with my Eldritch Blade!”

   “Not so fast!” shouted Scootaloo. “Let’s use the Rainbow Claymore, girls!”

   Using its hammerspace ability again, undoubtedly the work of Pinkie Pie, the Cutieatron summoned a big seven-coloured sword and stopped the attack of the crimson robot. The two titans started a sword fight through the streets of Ponyville.

   “Did you really build that thing, Pinkie Pie?” asked Rarity.

   “Yes I did!” smiled the pink mare. “I’ve been building things since I was an itty-bitty little-wittle Twinkie-Pinkie.”

   “And what other things have you created in all these years?” asked Rainbow Dash, eating from Applejack’s popcorn.

   “I don’t remember, because I’ve built so many things! But all of them are stored in the basement of the Sugarcube Corner. You can come and see them whenever you want!”

   “I didn’t know the bakery had a basement,” said Celestia.

   “Me neither,” said Mr. Cake.

   “Shut up, please!” requested Luna. “Some ponies here are trying to watch the fight!”

   With a metallic sound, and releasing a little cloud of sparks, the two swords clashed for the last time, and broke.

   “Very good,” said Atrox. “You are skilled, I admit that.”

   “Did you hear that, girls?” asked Scootaloo. “Those cutie marks of piloting giant robots are ours!”

   “Don’t look at your flanks yet, the fight is not over! I’m not comfortable in these narrow streets, let’s go to the skies, so we can unleash the full potential of our mechas!”

   And the two robots flew in the air, leaving traces of smoke behind them.

   “Are you ready?” asked the Dark Conqueror. “Because I won’t go easy on you!”

   “Shoot whenever you want, and we’ll do the same!” said Scootaloo, defiant.

   And the two robots started to launch their attacks, filling the sky with explosions, as the blasts clashed:

   “You asked for it!” laughed Atrox. “Take this! Dark Laser!”

   “Take you this!” shouted Scootaloo. “Harmony Wave!”

   “Atrox Slicer!”

   “Spear of Celestia!”

   “Rocket Punch!”

   “Anti-Aircraft Party Cannon!”

   “White Dwarf Smasher!”

   “Cutie Mark Blaster!”

   “Death Wave of the Conqueror!”

   “Cupcake Missile!”

   “Burning Pulverizing Rocket Punch!”

   “Plasma Streamer Whip!”

   “Crotch Missile! ... What?! ‘Out of order’? What do you mean ‘out of order’?”

   “It’s our chance, girls!”

   The Cutieatron Max raised its hands, concentrating a sphere of energy in each one of them, yellow in the right and white in the left.

   “Our ultimate attack!” shouted Scootaloo. “With the combined powers of Sun and Moon, we shall defeat your evilness!”

   The white robot united his hands, fusing the two spheres in a gigantic ball of light and flames. This time, the three fillies shouted:

   “In the name of the Princesses, and in the name of Equestria, all our enemies shall burn in the golden flames, and vanish before the silver light! Ultimate Technique: Cosmic Glory of the Sister Godesses!”

   And so, the Cutieatron Max fired a powerful blast of golden and silver energy, which took the shape of a majestic gigantic alicorn. And, because in this situations the bad guy never thinks of any logical solution, like stepping aside to avoid the attack, the Kaiser Atrox was impaled by the horn of light, and then disintegrated by the following wave of power.

***

   As the day came to an end (not really, it was still morning), the light of the sunse... er, midday was reflecting in the white armor of the Cutieatron Max. The robot was knelt before the Sugarcube Corner. Mr. and Mrs. Cake discovered that it was a very good publicity.

   “Aw, still no cutie mark...” sighed Scootaloo, looking at her flank. “I would have conformed even with a cutie mark of shouting names of attacks.”

   “What would that cutie mark look like?” wondered Applebloom.

   And the three fillies went away, thinking about what they were going to try next.

   “Did you seriously build this, Pinkie Pie?” asked Celestia, looking at the robot.

   “Yes. Why everypony keeps asking that? Is it really so hard to believe?”

   “And how can this machine use the power of both my sun and my sister’s moon?”

   “Oh, that’s easy. You’ll see, I only had to- Oh, look, they’re selling cookies! I love cookies!”

   “Please, take me to the hospital...” mumbled Atrox, crawling from under the mountain of scraps which had been his robot not so long ago.

  Well, it seems that the ponies can sleep tight this night, knowing that Equestria has survived the schemes of Atrox one more day. But tomorrow things may be different... Be brave, my little ponies!

To be continued... maybe.

Crossover time: Portal 2

Crossover time: Portal 2

   “Hello? Is anypony home?”

   Derpy stepped inside Atrox’s house, which was empty and silent. Imagining that the Dark Conqueror would be already in the basement, the mare went to the elevator and pushed the button.

   However, the technological underground corridor was unusually dark. In fact, the visibility would have been absolutely zero, if it wasn’t for a small beacon of orange light at the end. Derpy approached, and she entered in the control room. All the computers were off, as well as the lights. The only illumination were four candles which Atrox had put on the table. The Dark Conqueror, with his arms folded, was looking at a gray metallic sphere, also on the table.

   Derpy wondered if that had been her fault. It would have been a new record, then. Objects tended to break down when she entered in the places, not before.

   “Is there something wrong?”, she asked.

   “Yes,” growled Atrox. “The core of the computers is broken.”

   The gray pegasus approached the table. The metallic sphere had also a robotic pink eye.

   “Derpy Hooves, meet the Fact Sphere, the brain of all my basement,” explained Atrox. “It started to fail this morning. I’ve been trying to fix it, but I cannot identify the problem. I guess it’s just defective.”

   “The Fact Sphere is not defective,” said the core, with a computer voice. “Its facts are wholly accurate, and very interesting. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve. Twelve...”

   “It has been like this for hours,” the Dark Conqueror sighed. “I don’t know what to do. My computers cannot operate without it.”

   “Can’t you create another?”, asked Derpy.

   “No, because then our problem would be solved right now, and the chapter would end too soon. We only have 288 words so far, counting the title, we need to surpass the thousand words, at least.”

   “Wha-huh?”

   “So, we need to find a way to fix the Fact Sphere.”

   “The plural of Surgeon General is Surgeons General. The past tense of Surgeon General is Surgeonsed General.”

   “And quick. Any ideas, Derpy?”

   “Well...” the mare scratched her head. “How about if we ask Twiligth? She’s very smart, and has lots of weird scientifical stuff in her basement. Maybe she could help us.”

   “Ah, a very good idea, my friend,” Atrox raised a finger. “To the Library!”

One spinning Batman logo later...

   The purple unicorn and her dragon helper spent several minutes looking at the metallic ball which Atrox and Derpy had brought. Although she felt flattered that they had think of her, honestly she had no idea of what to do.

   “Well...” she said. “It’s a very impressive machine, that’s for sure...”

   “89 per cent of magic tricks are not magic. Technically, they are sorcery.”

   “And talkative, too,” added Spike. “It hasn’t shut up since you guys came here!”

   “And you think that’s bad?” asked Atrox. “I have been hearing it since I woke up! So, Twilight, can you help us?”

   “Mmmh...” the unicorn shrugged. “I guess I could try the Fix-Everything spell.”

   “Good. Do it.”

   Twilight pointed at the core with her horn and closed her eyes. The Fact Sphere was surrounded by a purple light for a few seconds.

   “I think it’s done,” said Twilight, once she finished. “That should have solved any problem.”

   Atrox and Derpy approached the Fact Sphere, which was now silent, slowly looking around with its pink eye. The Dark Conqueror held his breath. Certainly, it seemed that...

   “The Schrodinger’s Cat paradox outlines a situation in which a cat in a box must be considered, for all intents and purposes, simultaneously alive and dead. Schrodinger created this paradox as a justification for killing cats.”

   “Well, you tried,” sighed Atrox.

   “Maybe I didn’t do it correctly,” said Twilight. “Step aside, I’ll try it again.”

   The young unicorn used her magic on the core one more time.

   “There,” she said, panting. “I think now I made...”

   “The square root of rope is string.”

   Twilight fell to the ground, and groaned, exasperated.

   “I don’t know why it doesn’t work...”

   “Thanks anyway,” said Atrox, picking the Fact Sphere.

   “Pens! Pens! Pens! Pens!”

   “What are we gonna do now?”, asked Derpy.

   “Plan B,” smiled Atrox. “When machines don’t want to work, you hit them until you fix them, or until they explode, what happens first. To Sweet Apple Acres!”

One spinning apple logo later...

   “Did you understand the plan, young boy?”

   “Eeyup,” said Big Mac.

   “Ok, but I’ll explain it again for no reason anyway: Derpy will put the Fact Sphere over that stump, and you’ll kick it as hard as you can. The Sphere will fly through the air and clash against the ground, and hopefully, that will fix it. You got it?”

   “Eeyup.”

   “Good! Derpy, put the core in the stump, please.”

   The pegasus left the Fact Sphere at the indicated point.

   “This is a bad plan. You will fail.”

   The red stallion approached the stump and turned his back on the metallic sphere. Then, he raised both of his hind legs, and bucked the Fact Sphere with all the strenght his muscles were able to pull out.

   Surprisingly, the core didn’t broke.

   However, it crossed the air at highspeed and clashed against a tree, which, just like pastries, apparently have cartoonish kinda-elastic properties in Equestria. So, the Fact Sphere bounced back and returned at even higher speed, impacting in Atrox’s stomach and launching him back a couple of meters.

   “Are you ok?” asked Derpy.

   The Dark Conqueror couldn’t answer. The metallic core was stuck in his stomach.

   “Why doesn’t your armor cover your belly?” asked Derpy. “Seriously, it’s wide open! Why does it have such big shoulders, but the stomach zone is unprotected? It doesn’t make sense!”

   “This situation is hopeless.”

One spinning rainbow logo later...

   “... and that’s why we need your help,” explained Derpy.

   Rainbow Dash looked at the spherical computer she was holding in her hooves, still not very sure.

   “Really do you want me to fly as high as I can, and then drop this thing?” she asked. “What if it breaks? Actually, it will most surely break.”

   “I don’t care,” mumbled Atrox, still embracing his belly. “Either it breaks, or the impact fixes it. We win in both cases.”

   “You could also sell it, you know? I’m sure there’s somepony out there who would like to have...”

   “Rainbow Dash is a blowhard, and a coward.”

   Silence. A terrible, uncomfortable silence surrounded the three of them. A tumbleweed came out of nowhere and rolled a bit through the scenario.

   “What did you say about me?” asked Dash, obviously not happy.

   “Rainbow Dash will never go to space.”

   “Are you teasing me, sack of bolts?”

   “Fact: Rainbow Dash does not exist.”

   “Ok, that’s it! Nopony questions my existence!”

   And she flew high, disappearing between the clouds.

   “Wow, she’s really fast,” said Atrox, looking up. Then, he smiled. “The sphere will fall from a quite terrifiyng height. Good, I think everything will be over soon.”

   The Dark Conqueror took off his helmet and passed his hand through the short black hair.

   “You shouldn’t take it off,” said Derpy.

   “Oh, come on... The sphere is not going to land right on my head!”

   Atrox looked up and, just in case, he stepped away a few centimetres. He waited, expecting a prank from Destiny, but nothing happened. Nothing fell over him.

   “See?” he said. “The sphere is not going to...”

   And the Fact Sphere fell right on his head.

   “Did it worked?” asked Rainbow Dash, landing. She looked at the Dark Conqueror, who was laying in the grass, with the metallic core as his new hat. “Oh, Atrox, what are you doing? That thing is not going to break if you catch it before it hits the ground!”

   “Mgmrnrbr...” mumbled the Dark Conqueror.

   “The likelihood of you dying violently within the next five minutes is 87.61%”

   “I’ll try again,” said Rainbow Dash, picking the Fact Sphere and taking off.

   “When all this is over, we’ll head to Sugarcube Corner. I need my ration of sugar...”

One spinning cupcake logo later...

   Derpy and Atrox were sitting in one of the tables of the Sugarcube Corner, with the Fact Sphere, still intact, defective and talking; in the middle of both. The head of Dark Conqueror was covered in bandages.

   “I can’t believe that Rainbow Dash tried thirty times, and the sphere landed in your head all of them!” said Derpy. “And why did you take off your helmet all the thirty times?”

   “Mgmrmbr...”

   “And I can’t believe that, when Rainbow Dash was about to do a Sonic Rainnuke to the Fact Sphere, you slipped on a banana peel which appeared out of nowhere, fell down the hill, pushed the sphere away from the landing spot, and received the Rainnuke instead!”

   Atrox stared at Derpy, frowning hard.

   “Thanks for telling me what just happened to me,” he growled.

   “You’re welcome, boss!” smiled the pegasus.

   “And the Fact Sphere is still defective...”

   “Fact: the author of this fanfic hasn’t played Portal 2.”

   Atrox facepalmed and sighed.

   “I don’t think I’ll be able to take this anymore...” he mumbled.

   “Why don’t you simply drop it somewhere?” suggested Derpy. “That way, you won’t have to hear it.”

   “It is programmed to return to my house if it’s abandoned or lost.”

   “Fact: the author of this fanfic hasn’t even played the first Portal.”

   “Why don’t you hit it by yourself?” suggested Derpy. “Can’t you punch it or something? Why do we have to ask the help of other ponies to do something you can perfectly do alone?”

   “I don’t like to damage my own things.”

   “Fact: the author of this fanfic spends his nights hugging his own pillow, imagining that it’s Pinkie Pie, and crying because his life sucks and he’s just a pathetic excuse for a human being.”

   “Did somepony say my name?” asked Pinkie Pie, appearing literally out of nowhere.

   Atrox pointed at the Fact Sphere.

   “Oh, look at this thingy!” said Pinkie, approaching. “What does it do? Oh, it has a pink eye! Pink is my colour!”

   “Apples. Oranges. Pears! Plums. Kumquats!”

   Immediately, the eyes of the young pink mare sparkled.

   “Did you say ‘kumquats’? That’s one of my favourite funny words! Oh, I would love to work in a kumquat orchard just so I could say 'kumquat' all day! Do you want to know my other favourite funny words, Mr. Robotic Eye? My other favourite funny words are ‘pickle barrel’, ‘silly’, ‘biscuit’, ‘ununennium’,  ‘nimdok’,  ‘cherrychanga’, ‘chimicherry’, ‘chimicherrychanga’... Have you ever had a chimicherrychanga? It’s something I invented one day we went to search for Applejack who hadn’t returned to Ponyville after the Equestria Rodeo Competition because she hadn’t won any blue ribbons and she had thought that we would be angry at her, but how could we be angry at her? she’s one of the most beloved ponies in all Ponyville! But anyway we were helping Applejack with her new job and...”

   Then, the Fact Sphere exploded.

   “Ups...” said Pinkie Pie, with her ears down. “Sorry...”

   “It’s ok,” said Atrox. “At least it has stopped talking.”

-----------------------------The next day...----------------------------------------

   “Hello? Is anypony home?”

   “Here, Derpy.”

   Atrox came out from behind some boxes, in one corner of his living room. He looked pretty happy.

   “Our computers will work again!” he announced. “I’ve found a good replacement for the Fact Sphere! Derpy Hooves, meet the new brain for our machines, the Curiosity Sphere!”

   “Who are you? What is that? Oh, what’s that? What’s that? What is that? Oooh... that thing has numbers on it! Where are we going? Hey, look at that thing! No, that other thing! Is that a gun?”

   Derpy facehoofed.

To be continued... maybe.

As soon as I saw this, I knew that I had to write a chapter about it.