Wario's Moneytastic Adventures in Equestria

by Dunsparce

Rating: everyone
Tags: Main 6, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, Crossover
Length: 6208

D'oh I missed!

Wario's not particularly an intelligent guy. In fact, he's pretty darn dumb. That being said, when he is offered a deal that promises fame and fortune, he ultimately agrees and gets sent to Equestria, and he has absolutely no idea how to get back. Oh, well, the only thing left for him to do is try to successfully make some money.

Published 2013-07-05 01:00:03 UTC
Last updated 2013-10-09 17:24:31 UTC

Prologue - Never Trust Advertisements

Sleep, money, and picking your nose. There wasn’t much more to life than that for Wario. Every day he would get up, eat, try to get some money, fail, fart a few times, and go back to bed. There wasn’t much else this greedy, overweight man did with his life, and he didn’t give one care in the world.

One day, Wario returned home after a failed attempt to make money by being the paperboy. He accidentally threw the paper through an open window and into a fire place, and the paper proceeded to roll out and catch the house on fire, giving third degree burns to the Goomba that lived in it. He also crushed the bike he was given to deliver papers with. Wario dismissed the events as “failed money attempts” and turned on his T.V. out of boredom. He caught a glimpse of his favorite show, but it immediately transferred into a commercial break.

“Arrrr. Stupid!” Wario complained as he tapped his finger on his chair’s arm rest. After four minutes passed, it seemed as though the commercials would never end. Wario was beginning to get impatient and angry until a very flashy bubble popped up on one of the commercials.

“Do you like money!?” a voice shouted from the TV. Wario waited for the commercial to pass impatiently.

“Hey, fat man, I’m talking to you!” It said after a pause. Wario jumped up spastically.

“Who? Wadio?” He asked as he pointed to himself.

“Yes, you! You like money, right?” The voice responded. Wario looked around and whispered into the TV.

“….Yes.” He answered.

“Then have I have a deal for YOU! By following these simple instructions, fame and fortune could be yours for FREE!”

“What Wadio have to do? Tell Wadio now!” Wario shouted as he dropped off his chair and shook his T.V.

“Woah there, big boy! No need to get so irrational! All you have to do is go to a website!” The T.V. voice said. Wario blinked twice with a blank expression before breaking out laughing.

“Wahahahaha! You make Wadio laugh! Good joke!” He said as he got up off of the floor and turned around to go sit back down in his chair

“This is no joke, sir. If you don’t go to our website, these twenty-thousand coins will have to go to someone else!” the voice said as a “cha-ching” sound followed the end of the sentence. Before he knew it, Wario was back on the floor and in front of the T.V.

“What website does Wadio have to a-go to? Tell Wadio before coins go!” he pleaded.

“All you have to do is go to ‘ and click the button that says ‘this button totally won’t send you to another world’! Well, What are you waiting for, fat man? Get on it!”

Wario’s eyes practically turned into money signs as he raced for his computer. With his heart racing incredibly fast, he spelled out the website and pressed enter. Now, all he had to do was let it load.

“Wahahaha! All da money will be mine! Wadio will finally be da weenah!” he said evilly as he rubbed his hands together. As soon as the page loaded, a colorful pony appeared with a button next to it. A speech bubble was next to the pony’s mouth saying “click the button”, so naturally, Wario’s mouse drifted over the button and he slowly and dramatically clicked it with his mouth gaping open. Wario soon noticed that nothing of any sort happened when he clicked the button and he grew a confused face.

“Wah?” He said. He clicked again, and then again, and soon enough he was rapid clicking the button.

“Stupid button! Make money!” he shouted as he pounded the side of his computer monitor. As soon as he hit it, the computer began to glow and make noise.

“Wah? Waaaah!” Wario shouted as he was engulfed by a flash of light. The last thing he saw was the head of the pony that was on the webpage he was on before completely blacking out.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

"Waaaah...."

As Wario began to gain consciousness, he was greeted with a massive headache. As he opened his eyes, he saw that he was enclosed inside of a cage with an angry, purple pony with wings glaring directly at him.

"You have interrupted Princess Celestia in the middle of her royal duties by appearing on the castle floor. Who and what are you, alien? SPEAK!" she ordered violently. Wario was picking his nose.

"... Oh! Me? I'm-a Wadio!" He said confidently.

"Wadio, huh?" the pony replied.

"Wah? Nononono! W-A-R-I-O! Wadio!" he corrected. "Do you have-a Wadio's money?"

"I don't know what world you live in where R's are D's and money is just given out, but I want you to explain what you're doing here right NOW! Either that, or I'm going to have to-"

"Twilight, that's enough!" A voice interrupted.

"Sorry, Princess." Twilight said as her head hung low. A rainbow-maned pony soon stepped in front of Wario's cage.

"I know you're a new princess and you want to keep everypony safe, but honestly, you musn't jump to conclusions. Let Wario out, please." the rainbow princess pony ordered.

"Yes, Princess Celestia, at once." Twilight responded as she used her horn to unlock the cage's door. Wario casually stepped out and pointed to Celestia.

"Do YOU have Wadio's money?" he asked.

"Wario, I must apologize, but that button you clicked on was just a plan to bring you here. It was quite ingenious if I do say so myself." Celestia explained.

"So... Wadio is going to get no money?" Wario asked.

"I'm afraid that is so." Celestia confirmed.

Wario turned his head to face straight forward and after a few seconds passed, he fell backwards onto the floor with a fart and a groan as he hit the floor. "Arrrrr..."

"Don't feel so terrible, Wario. You can make plenty of money here in Equestria!" Princess Celestia assured poor Wario. Wario got up off of the ground, after a failed attempt that is, and rubbed his chin.

"Why you bring Wadio here, though?" he asked.

"Mmm... well, it was getting rather boring around here..."

"YOU SUMMON WADIO TO STUPID PONY PALACE BECAUSE YOU BORED!? WAAAAH!" Wario fell face first into the ground, muffling aggravated sounds into the carpet and pounding the floor. He then suddenly stopped and lifted his head. "Wait. Do you have television?"

"What's a television?" Celestia asked.

"WAAAAH!" Wario cried as he slammed his head back into the floor.

"Don't be sad, Wario! Equestria needed some variety of visitors, and I saw it in you that you would make a fantastic citizen! I've even prepared you a house in a small town called Ponyville!" Celestia said, trying to cheer Wario up. He lifted his head again.

"Is it nice house? Wadio has standards." Wario asked.

"We tried to make it as welcome as possible. When we sucked you in here, we made sure to bring some things in your household items such as portraits and furniture. Unfortunately, we weren't able to suck in this big, black box sitting on your floor." Celestia explained.

"Arrrrgh!" Wario growled as he slowly got up. "Wadio would like to know who 'we' is."

"My sister and I. She should be arriving here any second to greet you. Princess Luna is her name."

As soon as Celestia finished her sentence, a door at the near end of the hallway opened and another pony, this time dark blue and sparkly, walked through the door.

"Forgive me, sister, for I am late to meet our new citiz- ... oh my word." Princess Luna stopped dead in her tracks as she set her eyes upon Wario and blushed. She looked as though she had become hypnotized, with Wario's reflection sparkling off of her eyes.

"Luna, might you be alright?" Celestia asked. Luna began to inch toward Wario.

"Dear sister, I doth believe my eyes have never seen a greater sight! This male creature is the true embodiment of a handsome prince of the heavens! My eyes liquidate just staring upon his handsomeness!"

Wario farted and picked his nose.

Luna sighed in pleasure.

"Umm... Luna?" Twilight asked, "are you... all there?"

"Tell me, oh great and deviously handsome creature, what be thy name?"

"I'ma Wadio! W-A-R-I-O! Waaaadio!" Wario introduced.

"Wario... so you are... ahh..." Luna nearly slumped to the floor, gone in her own little world.

"...Can Wadio go to his house now?" Wario asked Celestia.

"Yes, umm... of course, Mr. Wario, right away." Celestia said as she turned towards her sister. "Luna... why don't you take a break?"

"Sure, sister, whatever thou says."

"Good. You need it. Oh, and Wario..."

"Eh?"

"I would like you to send me a letter detailing of something useful you've learned or something you liked about the town every once and a while. I need to check in on my one alien citizen."

"Arrr! Fine!"

And then they were off and separated. Wario was now in a new world with new opportunities, and he had already befriended one of the Princesses of Equestria (not that he cared). Of course, no television meant no entertainment. Wario supposed that there was no other way to pass the time than to get some money, and there was only one way to do that, unfortunately.

That way was to apply for some jobs. Maybe this time he won't set houses on fire with newspapers, or maybe he will. Maybe, just maybe, he'll find someway to screw up everything.

Job Application One: Sugarcube Corner

Wario grew accustomed to his new house very quickly. It seemed a lot like his house back in the mushroom kingdom, except with less chocolate coin wrappers scattered all over the floor and no television. The first morning of being in his new town was the morning to look around for Wario. He didn't care that all the residents were all rainbow ponies, but he did care about money, so "help wanted" signs are mainly what he was looking for when he was wandering the streets. Ponies looked at him odd, but really didn't mind it, for they had odd visitors from time to time that weren't ponies, and they didn't really card Wario as a threat of any kind.

While Wario was walking about, he came across a small bakery named "Sugarcube Corner" that held a big "help wanted" sign. Wario stood in front of it for a few seconds and thought about what his decision would be. He suddenly stuck his finger high into the sky.

"Wahaha! I got it! Wadio can be super baker!" he shouted as he rushed in to the shop. He looked around and saw a blue pony at the cash register. She sure noticed fat ol' Wario chugging along toward the register desk with his hand held high. He crashed his hands on the registration desk.

"Wadio wants to be baker!" he said adamantly.

"Oh my, somepony's eager! Well, alrighty..." the pony said as she reached below the desk and pulled out a paper. "Here's what you have to do. All you have to do is bake a pie. Bring it here, and my husband and I will judge it to see if you're worthy of the job. Good luck!"

Wario began to run toward the door. "Wadio will make best pie ever! Wahahaha!"

"No, wait! That door is-"

Wario slammed into the framed door and dropped straight to the ground.

"...Pull."

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Wario rushed home as fast as he could to get started on making the pie. He slammed open the cabinet drawers in his kitchen and set a boxed pie down on the table.

"Open!" he yelled at it. He stared at the boxed pie for thirty seconds, but nothing happened.

"Arrr! Stupid box!" Wario yelled as he pounded the box. The side of the box opened and the pie scooted out on the table.

"Ah! Waha! I got it! Now. How does Wadio bake pie...?" He wondered. While he was wondering, his eyes caught a glimpse of a pie baking instruction list on the side of the pie box. He picked it up and began to read it.

"Step one: preheat oven temperature." He read.

Wario walked over to his oven and set it to the temperature to the listed degree. But then Wario thought of something; if he preheats the oven to a really high temperature first, the pie will bake faster! He preheated the oven to 700 degrees Fahrenheit.

"Wahaha! Wadio is genius!" He boasted loudly. He picked up the box again.

"Step two: Insert pie when ready."

Wario put the box down and went to open the oven door immediately with the pie in hand. He opened it up and chucked the pie, still somewhat wrapped with aluminum, inside.

"Step three: wait until pie is ready." He read. Wario sighed as he went to go sit down in the living room. As soon as he sat down, though, his stomach grumbled and he suddenly began to regret eating burritos for breakfast. They were named "Burritos of the Gods" for a reason, but Wario paid no mind when he ate them. He was now paying a deadly price.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAH!" He cried as he raced toward his bathroom. Earthquakes and battle roars erupted from the battlefield, but eventually, Wario won the battle against the evil king toilet and was crowned the hero of the bathroom. A few moments later, he emerged from the bathroom looking like he had just wrestled a bear that possessed the ability to wield swords.

"Mama mia..." He muttered, scratching his head. As he headed back into his kitchen, he stopped and stood emotionless as fire erupted from the inside of the oven. He turned around and walked into the living room taking deep breaths.

"Wadio saw nothing. It was all in Wadio's head. Yes! Wadio's head!" He told himself as he headed back into the kitchen. The fire was still there.

"WAAAAAAH! FIRE! FIRE!!" He panicked as he looked left and right for something to put the fire out. He soon spotted a bottle of liquid that said "oil" on it to his left on the counter. He grabbed it out of desperation.

"Water! Help Wadio!" he yelled as he chucked the bottle of oil into the open, flaming oven. Wario then began to hear cackles inside of the oven, and suddenly, it exploded, shattering Wario's windows and leaving his whole kitchen nearly black with soot and beat up from shrapnel. Wario stood in the throwing position with a surprised look glued to his face, still in disbelief that he just blew up his kitchen not even twenty four hours after receiving it. He suddenly dropped to his knees.

"WAAAAH! WHY YOU DO THEES TO WADIO?" He yelled. The oven in front of him suddenly dinged, grabbing his attention, and when he opened it, he saw exactly what he wanted to see for the past fifteen minutes: a pie.

"Maybe there is hope for Wadio! Maybe Wadio can finally get money!" He thought aloud. He then decided it was time to turn his pie in.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

A few hours later, scraping was heard outside of Sugarcube Corner, like something heavy and metal was being dragged. When the blue pony from earlier that day emerged from her office to see what it was, she saw Wario hauling a destroyed and melted oven into her bakery.

"What in the name of Celestia are you doing!?" she shouted angrily.

Wario came around to the front and creaked open the door to the inside of the oven, which was barely hanging on.

"Wadio... bake pie... it got little stuck to floor of oven." He said. On closer inspection, there was a melted puddle of black liquid and shiny aluminum creased to the bottom of the oven. The pony stood there in shock.

"So... does Wadio get money for job now?" He asked.

"No!" the pony roared.

"D'oh I missed!"

Author's Note

dear princess

today wario learn that ovens are dangerous and should not be trusted

from wario

Job Application Two: Equestrian Mail Service

Wario woke up the next day with a gargantuan headache. The “incident” of yesterday’s job application left him with a mark on his big, round head. However, this didn’t slow Wario down, not even a bit, because after breakfast, he was out once again looking for a job in Ponyville. He looked from building to building, and after about an hour, he came across a building named “Equestrian Mail Service” with a “help wanted” sign on the front. Wario had already tried to be a mailman before, but it failed miserably and he ended up causing a nasty amount of damage to a resident’s house, or at least what was left of it. Maybe half a brick and a few ashes still remains, who knows? It was then that the gears in Wario’s head began to churn as he thought of something brilliant: If he doesn’t do the same mistake again, he could do it right and get the job!

“Wahaha! I got it! Wadio will be mailman! … Again!” He shouted as he stuck his finger in the air and ran inside. The mare at the desk lifted her googly eyes up and watched Wario run in like a doofus.

“Hiya, mister!” she said. “My name Derpy! What’s yours!?”

“I’ma Wadio!” he introduced

“Hiya, mister Wario! What can I do for you today!?” Derpy asked with an innocent smile.

“Wadio wants to be mailman!” Wario adamantly said, lightly bumping the desk.

“Oh, you saw our help wanted sign! I needed some time off from being mailmare. My wings hurt like heck, you know!?”

“Uhhh… yes.” Wario answered, not sure how to respond.

“Yeah! I know, right!? I think that we should all replace wings with rocket jets and fly like that! Anyway, do you know how to be a mail…person!?” Derpy asked. She sure did have a loud voice compared to even the pony that yelled at Wario yesterday for baking her a molten pile of slag.

“Wadio has been mailman before. Made mistake. Wadio learn from mistake and do good!” Wario said as he gave a thumbs up.

“Well, that's just super-swell! Here’s a mailbag, and since you don’t have any wings, just toss the mail to the doorsteps of the houses for earth ponies here on the ground! It’s mail day today anyway, so get started! If you do good, I’ll pay you and you’ll get the job!”

Wario liked the sound of those words. This will be a lot easier than baking a stupid pie. He was convinced this was his time to shine! Wario immediately grabbed the mail bag and raced for the door.

“Wadio will be best mailman ever!” He shouted. Before he ran out the door, though, he stopped in front of it in recollection of what happened yesterday. He began to pull on the door, but it wouldn’t open. Derpy looked at him oddly as he tugged on the door over and over again.

“Hey, Mister Wario!?” She called. Wario turned toward her, seeing her odd gesture.

“Yes?” He asked.

“It’s push.”

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

Wario came up to the first street he was told to deliver to, fearing that nothing would go wrong. Yet, despite that feeling, he told himself to not toss newspapers through an open window and into the burning fireplace this time. Wario seemed confident in his abilities to deliver the paper this time, but when he approached the first house, the memories flooded back and he became a nervous wreck. He grabbed the paper from the bag and held it high in his hand.

“Just remember what Derpy say. Throw to doorstep. Throw. To. Doorstep.” Wario told himself as he aimed his shaking arm. The moment of truth was upon him now, and there was no turning back. He closed his eyes and tossed the paper forward. When he heard a little “thump” noise, he opened his eyes to see the paper sitting on the house’s front porch. A pony soon emerged and looked up at Wario.

“Hey, thanks, neighbor!” the stallion said as he grabbed the newspaper and headed back inside his home.

Wario looked at his hands in astonishment. He did it! He actually did it! The mail was delivered safely thanks to the one and only Wario! He began to build up a laugh until he was almost choking on his own laughs.

“WAHAHA! Wadio did it! Wadio is da weenah! No fires for Wadio today!” He yelled as he spun around. But then he realized something: he had another whole nine houses to deliver papers to, and with that, he depressingly sighed. “Why must money always be so hard to GET!? WAAAH!”

Wario soon approached the second house, which had barely any patio. This worried Wario, for if he missed, it would most likely be all over. His career would end before it started. Wario was going to have none of that, though. He aimed confidently and securely and launched the paper right in front of the door. The second pony proceeded to open the door, thank him, and walk back inside. Wario was finally getting into the swing of the mail business, and he was feelin’ good. No doorstep was even a match for Wario, as they all fell prey to his throwing skills of amazingness, awesomeness, and sexiness.

That is, until the last house. It was a little off the beaten path and a sign read “to Cranky Doodle Donkey’s house” not too far back. It wasn’t too intimidating, but the house was small and ominous. This was going to be Wario’s greatest challenge yet.

Wario steadied the paper in his hand and threw it. He knew by the force he threw it at that it was going hit the door hard, but then, something terrible happened: the door opened and a donkey emerged as the paper was flying at him. He ducked just in time with a gasp as the paper flew over his head and into the door, which lead straight to his living room. From there, it flew directly into a warm fireplace. A few seconds later, the paper rolled back out of the fireplace, catching the rug on fire and causing the donkey to begin screaming and running around within his house. The fire spread quickly, as well. Within thirty seconds, flames erupted from the whole living room, and they were soon going to spread into the kitchen.

Wario stared blankly at the scene he had just created: a near replica of what happened before. He was so angry that he couldn’t even yell in frustration. In fact, he could barely move! He did, however, say one thing:

“D’oh I missed!”

Author's Note

dear princess

newspapers are still as flammable as wario remembers.

from wario.

ps: your sister sent wario letter. she is very strange.

Job Application Four: Animal Caretaker

It was one week later, and Wario's butt had finally healed from the incredible fall from Canterlot Castle. He landed right on it, too, and every time he farted for the next week, it hurt like heck. His butt had finally gotten around to feeling better, and he was now ready to find, yet again, another job. He wobbled around the neighborhood, and he took notice that ponies no longer looked at him strangely. The townsfolk had finally accepted the fat man as one of their residents. Wario didn't care.

He looked around on the walls of buildings to see if any fliers were hanging from them, and what do ya know, there was one, sitting on the wall of a red building written very neatly.

"Hello," it began to read, "my name is Fluttershy, and I need to get out of the house and do some activities. However, my animals may get grumpy with nobody there and may do something naughty. I need someone to volunteer to take care of them in my absence. If I come back to see things in order, I'll give you a babysitting job and some money. Thank you."

Wario looked up from the piece of paper he had ripped off and smiled.

"WAHAHA! I GOT IT!" He cheered. "Wadio will be ultra-amazing animal caretaker!"

Wario then ran off in the direction of Fluttershy's cottage, money-seeking and full of excitement. After all, how difficult could taking care of animals be? It's not like there's fifty of them or anything.

The fat man huffed and puffed his way to Fluttershy's cottage, eager for the job. This job may not pay as much, but it sure is easier than the rest... or so Wario thought. The cottage was on the outskirts of town, alone and happy; a little too happy for Wario. There was a nice little bridge that ran over a creek and it smelled like animal poop. Flowers bloomed all over, but couldn't cancel out the smell. It's a good thing Wario's nose has been immune to horrible scents because of his constant flatulence.

Wario had never dealt with animals before, and he didn't know if he could. As long as he doesn't burn the house down, all will be good and he will get a rockin' sack of coins. It's an absolutely brilliant plan.

With a hard pound at the door, Fluttershy answered, nearly stunned by Wario's appearance.

"Oh, um... hello... may I help you...?" She asked quietly.

"Yeees! Wadio want job on paper!" He shouted, pointed a finger in the sky.

"O-Oh, you actually saw my paper. Nopony ever does. I-I guess I shouldn't judge you by your appearance. If you really want the, um, job, then your first job will be to, um, care to my animals while I go out to get some groceries. If I come back, and everything is good, then you'll get the job and, um, get paid." Fluttershy explained. Wario grinned like an idiot.

"Ohhh, Wadio understand. Wadio want money!" Wario shouted. "Go! On your way! Wadio take care of animals!"

Wario then rushed inside, closing the door on Fluttershy behind him, startling the poor pegasus. When he turned around, he saw at least five hundred tiny eyes looking at him with anxious eyes.

"Why you stare at Wadio? Go away." the fat man scoffed as he went to go sit down on the couch, completely forgetting the task he took on.

A mini horde of bunnies stared at him with anxious eyes, awaiting to be fed, for it was their dinner time. Wario did nothing but begin to fall asleep, enraging the bunnies. One of the bunnies, Angel to be specific, then threw a book at the dozed off Italian man, hitting him on the right cheek.
“Wah!” Wario roared as he pointed to Angel from the couch. “No! N. O. No. Wadio sleeps!”

Angel then grabbed the book and opened it, revealing a picture of a salad on one of the pages. He pointed to it.

“Bunny wants food?” Wario asked.

Angel nodded intimidatingly and with a crude face.

“Fine. Wadio make plant pile.”

Wario spent at least half a minute getting himself up and off of the couch. As he waddled his way toward the kitchen, the mob of animals followed him. When he arrived at the kitchen, he grabbed a wooden bowl and set it on the table.

“Hmmm…” Wario thought, “how does Wadio make salad?”

Then, like a shining coin, it caught his eye. There was a small plant in the window, growing in the sun. It reminded Wario of a growing boy awaking on a nice sunny Sunday morning. The sunlight twinkled like fairy dust onto the plant, making its wealth shine and glitter. He ripped it out and put it in the bowl.

Wario then thought of what seasoning he could put on the salad. He looked over, and saw a salt shaker. He picked it up, ripped off the top, and poured it all into the bowl.

“Sugar good for salad! Trust Wadio.” Wario explained to the group of animals, who stood there with concerned faces. Wario had now completed the amazing salad as seen in the cookbook.

Wario dropped the bowl on the ground, splashing salt all over the floor tiles and putting on a smug look like he had just won the lottery. Angel then went up and slammed the bowl with his foot, spraying salt in Wario’s eyes.

“WAAAAH!” He cried as he ran with hands over his face around looking for a towel or something to wipe his red eyes. He then ran himself into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cookbook angel had left in there into the burning fireplace. The book slammed a piece of firewood and it fell onto the rug, setting it ablaze.

The fire spread quickly throughout the house, and all the animals then escaped into the wild in fear, never to be seen again by Fluttershy’s eyes. Wario eventually stumbled out a window and rubbed his eyes against the grass. When they stopped hurting after maybe a minute or so, he opened them, and Fluttershy’s house was completely unseeable, for the fire was too thick. Wario stood there, with eyes completely open as a piece of Fluttershy’s house exploded out of the side of the inferno. As always, he could only think of one thing to say.

“D’oh, I missed!”

Job Application Three: Royal Guard

Wario was sitting at a table at a restaurant playing with a straw in a cup. He was bored again, and he had no money… again. He already tried two of the most common jobs that needed help in Ponyville, and both of them didn’t go very well. He was sitting, trying to think of any possible way he could make more money, when he overheard two mares talking at the table next to him.

“Hey, did you hear?” One asked the other. “One of the royal guards retired and they’re looking for a new one up in Canterlot Castle!”

“Yeah, I know! I hear it pays amazingly, too.” The other said. “I even hear that all you have to do is try out. I was told they were recruiting at the training facility.”

The gears in Wario’s head began to churn and whir, breaking all the cobwebs that were between them. He then thought of a brilliant idea: he would be a Canterlot guard.

“WAHAHA! I got it!” He cheered, sticking his finger up into the air. The whole restaurant went silent and everypony glared directly at the happy fat man, making him unnerved. Wario then slowly got out of his chair, laughed nervously, and made his way toward the exit. He ran into the “pull” door, which crunched his stomach and made him pass gas, and once outside, he made his way for the guard training facility. As for everypony in the restaurant, they passed out due to Wario’s flatulence.

Wario chugged along the road to the training facility, and once there, he ran inside the dark green building with not a care in the world, ready to register. At the registration desk, a white unicorn with a blue mane stood with a guard cap on.

“Hello, how may I help you at the guard training facility?” He asked the wobbling fat man heading toward him.

“Wadio wants to be guard!” He exclaimed to the unicorn, slamming his hands on the desk.

“Uhm… err… are… are you sure? It’s not an easy task to do!” The unicorn responded.

“No! Wadio wants to be guard! Wadio will be SUPA-GUARD!” He exclaimed as he arced his hands over his head, making a rainbow appear and sparkles fly on to the unicorn’s face. The unicorn wiped his face.

“Well… I suppose. Here, slip on this guard uniform and you will be transferred to Canterlot for your first test duty. My name’s Shining Armor if you need to seek me out.” Shining said as he handed Wario the guard outfit.

“Errrrr…” Wario groaned.

“Is there a problem?” Shining asked.

“Too small! Wadio need larger!” Wario complained.

“Oh, yes, quite, I can see that. Here, swap me.” Shining Armor said as he swapped the regular size for the “holy nuts who wears this” size. That’s what it said on the tag.

“Thank! Now how Wadio get to castle?” he asked.

“Just close your eyes real quick and I’ll get you there.” Shining assured.

Wario closed his eyes, and when he did, Shining’s horn began to glow. He then zapped Wario, teleporting him to Canterlot.

“This aughta be interesting…” Shining thought out loud.

Wario soon opened his eyes, and when he did, he was in front of three guards, all pegasi.

“Where Wadio? How Wadio get armor on? Why are armor so tight!?”

“So, you’re our next try out, huh? Well, it was better than the last one. You’re in Canterlot Castle, son! You’re either going home empty handed or with a big paycheck today. I’m the sergeant around here, and what I say goes! Got it?”

Wario was picking his nose.

“You hear me!?” The sergeant snapped.

“Oh! Yes, Wadio understands!”

“Now, the guard who retired’s position was right down the hall near the Princess of the Night’s chambers. All you have to do is stand there for an hour. Don’t. Move. A. Muscle. Got that? Do all that and you get paid. Somehow, no one’s been able to do it yet. Are you up to it?”

“Wadio will be da weenah!” He cheered as he began to run (rather, bounce) toward his designed corner and began to stand. The sergeant rubbed his head and looked toward another guard.

“I didn’t expect him to be that enthusiastic…” he said. “Oh well, let’s leave him to his duty and see how it goes.”

The sergeant and the other guards then exited the hallway, leaving Wario to his duties as royal guard. Wario didn’t even care that he was a royal guard, all he wanted was the money. He stood there, trying to concentrate on standing completely still for a full hour. It was only an hour. It was then that his stomach began to rumble.

“Rrrrrrr….” he mumbled. He was hungry. Wario doesn’t like it when he’s hungry. His stomach growled again, this time more loudly than before. Wario became angry and smacked his tummy lightly.

“Stupid! Shut up!” He angrily blurted. Suddenly, the gigantic door beside him slammed open violently, crashing into Wario.

“DOTH I HEAR HIM!?” Luna shouted as she emerged from the doorway. The door creaked back toward Luna, revealing a very aggravated Wario with a nose in very intense pain.

“Arrrr….” Wario groaned. But he remembered the sergeant’s orders and remained still. Luna then peeked behind the door and grew a grin that shot around the world.

“It doth be thou, oh glorious Wario!” Luna exclaimed as she fell upon the ground. Wario did not budge. “OH! But that suit of armor, can it be? Are thou… MY NEW GUARD!?”

Wario tried to speak without opening his mouth too wide. “Wadio… can’t… move… or he no gets money!”

Luna’s face went into a pondering position. “So, thou say that there can be absolutely no movement, no matter what?”

The Princess of the Night circled around the chubby Italian man a few times with a seductive look. Wario was quite unaffected, but she kept her act up.

“What horse doing…?” Wario asked.

“Well, since thou is not allowed to move…” Luna began as she swooped beside Wario and gave him a kiss on the cheek. “I can do whatever I desire with you… mmhmm hmm hmm.”

Wario began to sweat, only guessing what the crazy princess was about to pull.

“How about I…” Luna began as her face inched toward Wario’s. The poor fat man could not take it one second longer and roared in fear.

“WAAAAH!” He yelled as he ran blindly away. He looked back, but paid no attention to the window curtain in front of him. He hit it, and it engulfed his face, allowing him to not see his surroundings. He danced around for a little bit, and eventually tripped on the cloth, sending his massive weight out the window of the castle. Wario had no idea the castle rested on a cliff. He shouted a certain phrase as he fell all the way down to the ground.

“D’OOOOOH I MIIIIIIIIIISSED!”

Author's Note

dear princess,

wario learn that whoever put glass window on castle that lies on cliff is stupid.

from wario